Chapter Text
This story is not about me.
----
The catch of snares ring out as the wooden sticks strike them in a rolling crescendo, soft at first and louder with each second, the regulars all rolling into the Imperial Blue with a similar cadence. The tension ratchets up —I’m throwing in wild accents every which way, Shouto at the keys smirking and shaking his head, Hanta leaning back on the stool, rolling his eyes as his fingers itch at the strings of his bass. A crash, a bell, a ride, my breathing getting heavier with every new beat, before returning to the snare, rolling and rolling and rolling to a stop, before my eyes catch those of my bandmates.
A nod.
“One, two, three--”
-----
“Denki, for fuck’s sake.”
Mina eyes me from down the bar. Was I slumping? Staring off into space thinking?
“Yes, honey.” I reply, a certain snark seeping from my tongue.
“Oh, fuck off.” She doesn't even muster a laugh. “Last call was twenty minutes ago. Bar’s empty.”
I look around. She's right—not a soul left beyond Shouto and Hanta.
The gear’s all packed up and ready to go.
“So?” I ask, smiling. “You gonna kick me out?”
She scoffs and is about to rip into me when Shouto leans across the bar and plants a kiss on his loving wife.
‘He saves the day again.’
She's smiling lovingly at him, as she always does when he kisses her. Drawn into a joyous stupor that distracts her from whatever was on her mind.
Sero walks over and laughs in my ear. “Looks like you've stolen yourself another twenty minutes. I'm gonna go pack the van up. Be done when I get back, alright?”
“Mina, another double of the Nikka coffey.”
“Pour it yourself. Bar gate’s open.” She waves me off, eyes still locked on Shouto.
Any excuse to skim a little liquor is a good one. I pour out a little more than a double of the coffey whiskey into a plastic cup and walk away from the happy couple towards the door.
Sero’s outside, loading my kick drum into the back of the van. He turns his head to see me stumbling towards him. A small smile creeps back on his face as I motion towards him with the cup.
“Shou’s driving tonight and I've got your favorite here.” I wave the cup around, the golden liquid sloshing back and forth along the plastic.
He wafts it towards his nose and can't help but grin at the aroma. “Nikka coffey. Tempting.”
“I poured a double.” I say, drawing each syllable out well past its length.
“I'm fine. I had a couple of beers during the show tonight, so I'm good.”
“Coward.” A part of me believes that. “Suppose I'll just have to finish it myself.”
“You know I love you, Denki, but can I ask you a bluntly honest question?”
What does that mean?
“Sure, Hanta.”
He pauses for a moment. The look in his eyes is different now.
“When are you gonna fucking grow up?”
Ouch.
“The fuck does that mean.”
“You were so sauced during this show that I'm astonished you managed to stay in a groove.” He looks… grave, almost. “You've got work tomorrow at nine in the morning and here you are, still downing scotch like it's water.”
“It's not scotch, it's—”
“I don't care what it is, Denki.” He shakes his head and leans against the side of the vehicle. “You're twenty-eight years old and still acting like you're twenty-one. You've got to figure this shit out eventually.”
There's a stern silence as Hanta returns to packing the van to full. Eventually.
I speak up.
“I quit my job a few days ago.”
Hanta’s eyes go wide. “Denki, you what?”
“I had something else lined up, don't worry.” I can feel the haze starting to fade away, my head getting clearer. “I got a gig at this tech firm in Marunouchi.”
“Doing what?”
“Quality assurance.”
“Since when do you know anything about tech QA? You dropped out of university trying to get a degree in computer science.”
“Well, it’s just a junior position, so… You know, I’ve got some skill but I’m hoping to do some learning on the job.”
“You think that’ll work?”
“Gotta start somewhere. Didn't have any openings in the actual office.”
He smiles like he's proud. Like he's my father. I should be sick to my stomach that I've fallen to this level, but I can't help but feel a pang of happiness.
“Well, good for you, Denki. I'm glad you're trying at least.”
“And succeeding.”
“Well, pump the brakes.” He laughs. “The only thing I've ever seen you succeed at is the solo from Caravan.”
“You're just fucking full of jokes tonight, huh?”
Hanta smiles. “If I started being serious, you'd be scared.”
---
Hanta drops me off at my apartment building with a wave and a sad smile. It’s two in the morning, and my eyes are weary. The doorman laughs, but he doesn't say anything to me as I pass by. There's a woman in the elevator whose eyes are locked on me, even when I'm not looking back at her. I can feel them burning a hole in my skull. Eventually, I look back and she smiles, says “hello,” and “how are you?”
I can smell the liquor on her breath.
My stop is first, and I can't help but be happy that I don't have to try to make conversation. I'm already too sober to try and make something up.
The lights are off when I walk in, and I don’t intend to change that. There's mail on the kitchen table that reads ‘Kurokawa Technologies’ that I still haven't opened. That job starts in a few days. I still don't think I'm totally ready for it yet, but I'm going to have to figure it out. How hard can working in QA actually be? I’m qualified enough to be an entry programmer at most firms—I can handle software testing.
“Good to see you didn’t die on the way home.” Tenya slinks out of his room down the hall, holding an empty glass. He glides past me with a certain calm and turns on the tap, filling his cup to the brim. “Though you certainly smell of death.”
“I may have had a bit too much to drink tonight.” I groan, thankful he hasn’t turned a light on yet.
“You have a bit much to drink most nights.” He says, sipping from the glass. “You really should have yourself a few of these before you crash for the night.”
“You’re not wrong about that. I’ll have some, and an aspirin, before I go to bed.” I lay my bag on the floor next to the door and slump down on the couch. “Sorry, I didn’t think we’d be out so late.”
“It’s okay.” He sidles over and sits down next to me. “I’m used to you coming home in the early hours. Usually I sleep through it, but I was quite thirsty tonight.”
“Happens to the best of us. Sometimes you just want a nice glass of water in the middle of the night. Can’t say I haven’t been there myself.”
Tenya is quiet, eyes looking me over once and then a second time. “Denki, are you okay?”
I laugh. “Not really.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“You’re so fucking nice, Tenya.” He’s too nice for his own good. I can never tell why he’s so nice to me, or anyone else for that matter.
There’s a shared quiet as he takes in my tone, and I regret speaking to him so harshly. But the quiet prevents me from having to share anything. I’d like to stall him out, but after a prolonged silence, I finally have to give up the ghost.
“Tonight, Hanta asked me when I was going to grow up.”
There’s a hesitance I can sense from Iida in how he should approach this. I can feel it, it’s fucking palpable. Because he agrees. Because they all agree, that I’m some fuck-up that can’t figure it out yet. But he doesn’t know how to tell me without making me feel like some kind of loser.
“What did he mean by that?” He asks, trying to find neutral ground.
“I don’t know. Something about still acting like I’m twenty-one when I’m damn near thirty at this rate.”
“The alcohol?”
“Yeah. Mostly.” My chest feels tight. “Am I a burnout, Tenya?”
He pauses. Then he laughs softly. “Well, not entirely. But maybe a little.”
Am I supposed to laugh along with him? Am I supposed to act like I'm okay with what he just said? Like it's a funny joke that I'm just some fucking failure, stuck in the same rut I've been in for as long as I can remember?
If not, then why am I crying screaming laughing along with him?
“You're such an asshole.”
“If you can't laugh, we'll be up all night crying. And we both need to sleep too badly for that to make any sense.” Tenya puts an arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. “It'll all be okay. You've got that new job coming up and that's going to be a treat.”
“Fuck, that's going to be rough.”
“Do you think so?”
“Yeah, it'll--I don't know if I'm prepared for it, honestly. I haven't done anything related to programming and software in like, half a decade.” I rub my eyes, trying to shake the haze off fully. “I'm liable to get fired within a couple of weeks.”
“Awfully pessimistic.” He stands, walking over to the sink to refill. “Tell you what, let's make a deal.”
That's curious. “Go on.”
“You go out there, give it your best, think positive thoughts and create positive energy—and we'll go out and get a bite to eat the night of your first day, on me.” He leans against the counter, smiling wearily. I'm starting to lose him.
“Sure, Tenya.” I smile back, sliding down the couch. “It's a deal.”
“As long as you don't mind if I bring Shin.” He says, walking back down towards his room. “Goodnight, Denki. Try to get some rest, alright?”
I don't even have the chance to respond before he disappears back into the darkness. I can't help but smile. He's right though —I need some water. As I grab a cup and turn on the tap, there's a tug in my head. The letter on the table is screaming out to be read.
Kurokawa Technologies.
I rip the side off and pull the letter out.
‘Mr. Denki Kaminari,
We're looking forward to seeing you on Thursday the 7th. All of the paperwork you completed during your introductory session with the quality assurance team last month has been successfully filed and properly sorted. You'll be receiving a company computer and office space on the 7th--please make sure to check in with the receptionist who will direct you properly. Your superior, Mr. Aizawa, will help you from there.
Thank you again,
Eisuke Ito
Human Relations
Kurokawa Technologies’
I pause, setting the letter back down.
They wasted paper on that? Fucking hell.