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"No one said this would be easy, Ash. They just said it would be worth it."
Ash sighs. "Nothing's ever been easy. Not for me. That's not what I'm asking for. I just want it to be ... possible."
"And it is," Holly insists. She smiles. God, does everyone with a PsyD know how to smile through everything? Most people who have heard the things that Ash has told Holly would have stopped smiling by now. Especially smiling at Ash.
But Eiji ... there's Eiji, too.
And Max, and Jessica. The list of people who care about Ash is expanding.
"So what else is important for us to talk about today?" Holly asks.
"I—I feel like I'm getting worse. Sometimes."
"You're not," Holly assures. "But what makes you feel that way?"
"Like, I guess, yesterday Eiji just mentioned the idea of drinking champagne to celebrate our anniversary this year, and I just ... recoiled. After all this time, why does it still bother me? How does anything bother me, after everything else that's happened to me?"
"That's just it, isn't it?" Holly leans in, but it's not threatening. "After everything else, you deserve some time where nothing is wrong. It's easy to get frustrated with little things, after so many big things."
"I guess," Ash allows. Stupid therapists. They always manage to be right, somehow.
"What did Eiji say about it?"
Ash hesitates. "I didn't mention it to him. I think he noticed anyway, of course, but he didn't ask."
"Do you feel that you should have said something, or are you content with your decision to stay silent?"
Ash pouts.
Holly smiles gently.
"It's too late now, anyway," Ash says, waving a hand. "It's been, like, days. There's no point in bringing it up now."
"Do you think Eiji would agree with that?"
And—man, that argument always brings Ash's mind skidding to a halt. He's been working with Holly on accepting that people really do care about him, or at least would give some semblance a shit if he dropped off the face of the planet for the rest of eternity. It's ... hard. For so much of his life, people didn't care.
You think someone cares, like Blanca, and then they fuck off to the Caribbean and only return to drag you back to hell.
You think someone cares, like Shorter, and then you kill him with your own hands.
But anyway.
"Eiji cares about you. He wants what's best for you, right?"
"Yeah," Ash whispers.
"And I do, too."
"It's your job to say that."
"Ash."
"I know; I know." But it's easier to tell himself that people are only pretending to care. And it is her job, anyway.
But she didn't have to give him her cell phone number to call after hours if he needs help. She didn't have to share her packed lunch with Ash the time he mentioned he'd been having trouble eating. I will always share my apples with you, Ash, she said. Like it's simple.
People like Holly or Eiji or Max—people who are good, they have a way of making things simple like that.
Ash wishes he were good.
Ash brings a hand up to his mouth. Looks down, sniffling. Why is everything so hard? Why does his mind have to fight him at every goddamn step he takes? It's like—it's not just the trauma; it's Ash himself who's messed up. He's fucked up.
"I want to be good," Ash mumbles.
"You're thinking in black and white again," Holly corrects softly.
"But like—you're good. And Eiji is good. Eiji is so, so good. And I know that there's more to it than just good and evil, but ... I have a lot more in common with Dino and Kippard than I ever have with you and Eiji."
Holly threads her fingers together. "I've done some things I regret, too, Ash. And I'm sure Eiji has as well. It's hard to make it to adulthood without making a few mistakes along the way."
"Yeah?" Ash scoffs. "What could you have possibly done that's so bad? I've killed ... so many people ..."
"I nearly killed myself in high school," Holly says.
Ash's head snaps up.
"And that hurt a lot of people," she continues. "You're familiar, I know."
A snowy day and a stab wound. A boy who doesn't want to get better. Who's convinced that this is destiny. That everything happens for a reason.
"Is that why you're—this?" Ash asks, gesturing to the office around them. Holly always lets Ash sit closest to the door. "Is that why you went into psychology?"
"For myself, yes. And to help people like me."
"I'm not like you," Ash murmurs.
"We're all more similar to each other than we realize. No one lives in a one room house." She taps her temple, one finger against the side of her head.
Ash does, though. And recently it seems like that single room is just filled with trauma, trauma, trauma.
"Doesn't that mean that I'm similar to Dino, too, then?" Ash counters.
"In some ways, maybe. And I am, too. But ..." Holly sighs. "I can't say that I understand what possesses people to do things like that, Ash. To hurt people in a way that is so intentional, so unforgivable. And I don't think that you have any obligation to forgive him, or anyone else who hurt you. In fact—I think that giving up on forgiveness might be good for you."
They've talked about that, a little. That Ash forgives those who hurt him, and that it's easy to forgive something that you believe was meant to be.
"But you, Ash, you were doing the best with what you were given. Right?"
"I guess. It's just—like—what right do I have, to be upset by something like wine? After everything I've done, why should I get to be triggered?"
"It's not something you get to be. It's just something that happens, because of what you've been through."
"I want to be happy," Ash mumbles. He presses his hands together in his lap. "I know I don't deserve to, but I want to be happy."
"Happiness isn't a state of being, unfortunately. It's something that comes and goes. But it's happening more for you than it used to be, and I'm so proud of you for that."
That's funny. That's—Ash wants to laugh. That's funny. There was a time when all he ever wanted was for an adult to be proud of him. And now he gets ... a fucking therapist to say it, because she has to, but it still feels ...
Ash shakes his head, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He doubles over.
"How are you feeling, Ash?"
"... Alive," Ash replies, voice a little choked. "I'm alive."
"All good things in life start with being alive."
Yeah, like death, Ash almost retorts. Maybe he shouldn't say that to someone who just confessed to trying to kill herself.
Ash sits up suddenly, clearing his throat. "How does it feel?" he asks.
"Hm?"
"Being on—this side of things." He gestures at her. "I mean, after ... what you just told me. After doing that to yourself, back then, how does it feel to be on the other side of it? To be—helping people like me? Does it ... Is it triggering at all?"
"It feels nice, actually," Holly says brightly. She smiles, tilting her head to the side slightly. "It feels like recovery."
— — —
Ash pushes the door open and collapses onto the couch.
Therapy appointments always take a lot out of him.
"Oh, sweetheart," Eiji murmurs, already appearing in the living room entrance. "How did it go?"
"It was fine," Ash mumbles, rubbing at his eyes with a hand. He's tired. "Can I talk to you about something?"
"Of course," Eiji says, but he sounds a little nervous. He sits on the opposite side of the couch. He's always careful to avoid touching Ash without asking first, especially after Ash's therapy appointments. "Anything."
"The—when you mentioned—champagne," he stutters out. "It made me ... anxious."
"Oh!" Eiji says. Ash glances over at him, and his eyes are wide. "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, Ash. You drank at Alex's birthday party, so I wasn't sure ..."
Ash sighs. He's not sure either, honestly. "I don't know what I want," he admits. "I mean—I'd like to drink again, but I want to be able to ... enjoy it. I want to feel intoxicated without feeling vulnerable. I want to taste wine without thinking about every fucking ingredient that went into it and identifying the goddamn year."
Eiji hesitates.
"What is it?" Ash says, carefully keeping his voice calm. He doesn't want to show how anxious he is. "You can say it."
"Can I try something real quick?"
Ash blinks. "Uh—yeah, anything." He bites down on his tongue, not sure what to expect.
Eiji stands up and disappears into the kitchen.
"Eiji?" Ash calls, turning over the back of the couch to try to get a glimpse at what's going on. "What are you doing?"
"You'll see!" Eiji responds, a laugh in his voice. After some shuffling around, he comes back with a Big Yellow Cup from Dicky's Barbeque Pit and hands it to Ash. "Can you taste this for me? Ah—wait, hang on." Eiji takes the cup back from Ash and gulps down a few mouthfuls, then returns it to Ash's hands.
"Thanks," Ash mumbles, knowing exactly why Eiji drank it first.
Ash peers into the drink skeptically. Eiji is probably the only person in the world that Ash would accept a drink from without watching it be made first, even after watching him drink it, but—what is this? The smell is ... some sort of wine, clearly alcoholic, but that's about as far as Ash can tell, despite his experience on the topic.
"What ... ?" he starts, but Eiji just grins.
Raising an eyebrow, Ash takes a sip. The taste is ... an experience.
He makes a face, and Eiji laughs. "Can you tell what it is?" he asks. And—wow. Eiji really is the only one who could get away with something like this. Ash loves him.
"No clue," Ash admits, looking back into the cup and trying to discern the color. The yellow of the cheap plastic makes it impossible to tell.
Eiji puts a hand over the lip of the cup. "Don't think about it. Does it taste good?"
Ash hesitates, then takes another sip. "It's not bad," he says.
"It is alcoholic," Eiji warns. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah, I mean—you're the only one here, so it's fine. Thank you, though."
Ash takes another drink. Eiji makes grabby hands at the cup, and Ash hands it to him. Eiji drinks a smaller sip this time, and makes a face after. "It really is weird, isn't it?" he says, then laughs.
"What is it?" Ash asks again. "Seriously, Eiji, you've got me so curious."
Grinning, Eiji responds, "I threw together that cheap white wine we got from Max with the nicer red wine our neighbors gave as a housewarming gift, and put some nonalcoholic grape juice in there too." He giggles, and Ash's heart glows.
"It's ... not bad," Ash says again. "But—why?"
"Because there's no way you can be thinking about the year and type of wine you're drinking when it's this monstrosity. Right?"
Eyes widening, Ash grins. "Yeah," he says softly. "Yeah, you're right." Placing the cup on the coffee table, he launches himself at Eiji. Eiji yelps, but opens his arms and holds Ash close. "Thank you," Ash whispers.
"Of course, love," Eiji replies. He smiles, and Ash loves him.
"I'm going to kiss you now, if that's okay."
"More than okay," Eiji replies. Ash leans in and licks the wine off of Eiji's lips. "Hey!" Eiji whines, but he's laughing. "That was not a kiss."
"Oh, my bad." Ash grins. His whole body weight is on Eiji, but Eiji doesn't seem to mind in the slightest. "I guess I have to try again."
"I guess you do," Eiji replies, smirking. Then, "I mean—only if you want to—"
"Eiji," Ash interrupts softly.
"Yes, love?"
"I want to."
Eiji's face is a little pink. "Good, because—I want you to."
Ash kisses him. He feels drunk already, though he knows it's a different sort of intoxication. Part of it is just—being around Eiji. He hasn't had enough to actually be drunk yet. Although Eiji swallowed quite a bit of the alcoholic abomination too, and Ash can taste it on him.
Ash pulls away and licks his lips.
Both of them dissolve into a fit of giggles.
"Board game night?" Eiji asks as Ash picks up the cup again.
Ash swallows down a few more mouthfuls, looking forward to the feeling of being tipsy with his husband. "Sure, as long as you're okay with me crushing you again."
"Not Trivial Pursuit this time," Eiji warns. "I'm never playing that with you again. Yahtzee?"
Ash rolls his eyes. "Of course you'd pick a luck based game." He grins.
"Well yeah, that's the only way I have a chance!" Eiji leans in, and Ash can't help but peck him on the lips again.
"Love you," Ash murmurs softly, lips brushing against Eiji's. Wine on their breath and love in their hearts.
"Love you too," Eiji replies, and his eyes say it as much as his words. "Drunk already?" he teases.
"Love drunk, maybe," Ash replies with a wink.
Eiji giggles, and—flirting was made for this. This is what words were built for. To ... to share love.
"I love you," Ash says again. He pulls away from Eiji. "I love you so much." He wants to say it in a thousand other ways, a million other phrases to say the word love, love, love. But maybe this is enough. Maybe this is all he needs. "I love you."
"I love you too, Ash. Sweetheart. I love you, and I always will."
Love is a different sort of drug, isn't it? Ash thinks, and his inner voice is being gentle to him for once. And fuck, is it a new sort of high. One I never want to come down from.
And he never does. There are good days and bad, but Ash Lynx stays in love.