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The flight attendant voice echoes in the cabin as she announces that they have finally reached their destination. Johnny takes a deep breath and looks outside the window, the wide flight line lays out in front of him. He stretches his body, releasing all the knots in his muscles after a long eleven hour flight and takes his time, waiting for all the passengers to leave the cabin before leaving himself. South Korea, finally.
Incheon International Airport is busy as always with all sorts of people trying to reach different destinations. Businessmen in suits catching flights to be in important meetings and families with smiles on their faces, happy to draw another memory of a sweet vacation. Johnny pulls his suitcase close beside him, careful not to spill his coffee that he bought from Starbucks as soon as he landed when his phone vibrates in his back pocket, a message from Jaehyun lighting up the screen.
Jaehyun
im already here
see u in five
Johnny gives him a quick reply, "coming", as he exits the airport through the front entrance, the warm air from the heater leaves him in contrast to the cold winter that hits his face as soon as he steps on the concrete pavement outside.
He misses this so much. South Korea used to be the place that he calls home, especially because of that one person, but after what had happened, he does not know if he still has the right to say that. Johnny spends some time lost in his thoughts until the loud beep of Jaehyun's hatchback wakes him from his daydream, Jaehyun smiling to him from the rolled down window.
Johnny smiles back.
_____
Johnny stares out the window of Jaehyun’s Audi, looking at the buildings and signs around Seoul. It hasn't changed much after 5 years, and he certainly misses seeing Hangul on billboards and signs.
"Excited for the reunion?" Jaehyun asks, eyes still on the road.
"Yeah, of course. It's been so long."
"Everybody's gonna be there too, it's gonna be fun!" Jaehyun says with a wide smile, dimples on his cheeks.
"Everybody?" Johnny turns to Jaehyun at the new info. He knew that Taeyong had planned this dinner for so long but he never imagined that Taeyong would be successful in gathering them all up.
"Tsked. You know Taeyong, he planned this for like, what? A year and a half, if I can remember correctly. He would never do things half-heartedly.”
Everybody. Everybody means there will be Johnny, Taeyong, Yuta, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Mark, Donghyuck and Ten. If all of them will be there, does that mean that Ten will be there? The person that Johnny thinks about since planning on being back here. Since he bought the flight ticket to South Korea. Since he received the invitation to Taeyong’s little reunion.
He's not sure if he still has the guts to meet Ten, or how to act in front of him. Should he act like how things were when they've been friends, bestfriends, before feelings were involved, or should he stay silent, acting like they were strangers? Johnny could not imagine seeing Ten and acting like they were strangers, not when there were so many memories made, smiles returned as much as tears shed. It's kind of hypocritical for Johnny to say that, when they've spent the last two years as strangers, but it's easy for Johnny to do so, when the distance between them is 10,503 km and not only a step away, sharing the same space.
"You're wondering if Ten will be there, huh?" Jaehyun wakes him up from his thoughts, takes a quick glance at Johnny before directing his attention back on the road.
Johnny does not know how to answer that. Not because he doesn't want Jaehyun to know, Jaehyun always knows, but because he's afraid. There's also not much words left to say, when Jaehyun knows so much.
"Don't worry too much Johnny, it will be okay."
Silence falls before Jaehyun begins again, "And yeah, he will be there."
_____
Johnny stares out the window of his hotel room that views the skyline of Seoul. It is pouring outside and the rain droplets stick to the window then flow to the left and down the glass, following the direction of the wind. Johnny thinks about how he relates to the droplets, of having such big dreams but in the end, he only follows the direction of his life, instead of directing it.
Such a contrast to Ten. Ten who always knows what he wants. Ten who always has future plans for himself.
Johnny also had plans once, five years ago, when everything was so promising and he felt so determined about his future. His plan consists of going back to Chicago, to be a freelance photographer and travels around the world, capturing memories and also gaining experiences. The plan sounded really solid at first, until the first 5 months, Johnny struggled finding jobs, and once he got what he wanted and traveled half the globe, everything felt so unsteady.
And he's back to feeling like a leaf that falls in the river, following the flow of the water until it reaches a final destination. Johnny wonders a lot about where his destination is. He searches half the globe, literally, when he comes across the thought that maybe, just maybe, he has already reached his destination, but he left.
It's strange, that all five years Johnny spent traveling, he has never once visited South Korea. During the first two years of their long distance relationship, Johnny had been so busy, trying to build his name in the photography industry and taking jobs left and right. It’s not that Johnny doesn’t try to meet Ten, he does, but it’s hard when he has to accept jobs that pay little to no amount of money in order to gain “exposure” in the industry, as said by his former agent, as if that made any sense.
It was during the third year that cracks started to appear in their relationship. Johnny has to travel to a new place every two to three months and Ten has new projects, new exhibitions to work on, and the time that they usually spent for each other is now used to achieve their dream. From hours of phone calls everyday turns into only once a week, from messages every other minute to only at night when they are in bed, tired from working all day. It doesn’t help that there is a big time difference between them with Johnny wherever he was, and Ten in Beijing, working on a major project that would promise his breakthrough in the fine art industry.
And Johnny can’t be mad at it too, not when both of them have reached their dreams that they could have only imagined five years back.
The night when the big fight happened, Johnny had already booked a one-way ticket to Beijing in order to show Ten that Johnny is still in love with him, that they could make this work, until his agent came knocking on his hotel door, screaming that he would have lost everything that he worked on for the last three years if he miss this meeting with Annie Leibovitz, a famous photographer that his agent has worked on for months to get him to work with, and Johnny hates that his agent was right. Meeting Annie Leibovitz was Johnny’s breakthrough, especially with how big her name is in the industry, and Johnny would have had to work his way back up if he ruins the meeting. Johnny coaxed himself that night, promising himself that he would fix everything once his job was done but it was too late.
Johnny finds that Ten has blocked him on everything, from social media to his phone number. He tries his best to contact Ten, but it's hard when he has become even busier now that his work has achieved acknowledgement and he is booked thanks to Leibovitz’s influence. Everything in his love life falls apart after that, in contrast to his dream. Johnny and Ten broke up, and they continued their own life chasing their own dreams.
Johnny thought that by achieving his dream, he would finally be happy but he has never thought that he would lose Ten in the way. He finds himself haunted with the same thought every single night, of how he had to pay for his success with love and how he hated God, if there is one, for how unfair his life is.
_____
Johnny finds himself staring into the bathroom walls. He takes a glance at his Ipad that is playing his current playlist on Spotify, the small clock on the taskbar shows that he has another two hours to prepare himself for the reunion. There’s still a lot of time. He sinks deeper into the tub and lets the cheap soap provided by the hotel soak into his skin. He would prefer bath bombs over soap but this will make do.
He used to prefer the shower, it's easier and faster but after meeting Ten, Johnny finds himself appreciating long baths and bath bombs. It’s comforting, as Ten said, and Johnny couldn’t agree more. When they were together, Johnny and Ten would spend hours in the tub, two glasses of red wine of Johnny’s choice on the small table that they put by the tub for easier access and the smell of honey and beeswax from a Trudon Cire candle that Ten loves surrounding the bathroom. Johnny loves those moments because it’s so tender, so pure, and he would feel very loved every time Ten would leave little kisses all over his body, starting from the top of his head, then his eyelids, the tip of his nose, his collarbone, his sternum, his navel and Ten would go on, working his way until he reaches the bottom of Johnny’s feet. And Johnny would do the same, and he would take his time, kissing longer than Ten does, a lot more than what Ten has left on his body because Ten deserves it, to feel loved like he did to Johnny, and Ten deserve so much more than what he did to Johnny, because Johnny is sure that he loves Ten substantially more than any other person on this planet could feel about a thing called love. They would only go out of the tub when the cats would meow from outside the bathroom, signaling that it’s been too long.
Johnny thought that the habits he had picked up during their relationship would change back to his old self once it was over, but Johnny had thought wrong. He finds himself sticking to the habits, even when five years have gone by. Some of the habits that he finds himself sticking to are like having cream pasta instead of bolognese, sleeping in pajamas instead of tees and bringing cat treats wherever he goes for the strays. He doesn’t think that the habits were bad, it changed him for the better in his opinion, but he also spends a lot of time thinking about Ten because of it.
Johnny wonders if he should come to the reunion, especially when a lot of things could ensue if he meets Ten. His feelings are all jumbled up into one big mess of anxiousness. He’s hopeful, for if there is any feeling of love that Ten could have kept for him but he’s also afraid, if Ten hates his guts and does not want to see him again after their break up.
Johnny knows that Taeyong has planned this reunion right after their break up. Taeyong has always carried the burden of being their leader, thanks to his motherly instinct; Ten said it’s because Taeyong is a Cancer; that he always feels the need to fix things if there were any fights between their friend group, and Johnny is always thankful for that. Johnny is a coward who can’t bring himself to confront his own feelings and fly to South Korea to chase his love but with the excuse of Taeyong’s reunion, he can finally bring himself back here, closer to the love of his life that he lost to two years ago.
Johnny drowns himself in the tub for a minute to clear his head, as he feels the water ripples on his skin, listens to the bubbles made by his breathing.
Everything is going to be okay.
_____
It's quarter to nine and Johnny is standing in front of the barbecue restaurant, Taeyong’s choice of place for their little reunion. The signboard of the restaurant shines bright in front of him, the green fluorescent light gives the building around it a soft glow. Johnny does not notice for how long he has been standing in front of the restaurant until someone taps on his shoulder. He turns his head to see Taeyong smiling widely at him, opening his arms for a hug. Johnny’s face immediately echoes Taeyong’s as he falls into his friend's arms.
“I miss you so much! How long have you been waiting?” Taeyong asks as he lets go of their hug, still holding onto Johnny’s arms.
“Not too long. I miss you too, Taeyong.”
“Come on, let's go inside. I’ve booked us a room so that we can be as loud as we want.” Taeyong replies as he drags Johnny into the restaurant, excitement clears on his face.
Johnny lets himself be pulled by Taeyong into the restaurant. The place that Taeyong booked for them is packed with people, most of them are office workers clad in their suits, clinking shot glasses in between conversations. The restaurant interior is a combination of traditional hanok and modern architecture. A waitress greets them with a smile on her face and Taeyong lets her know of his reservation. She then leads them to a room at the back of the restaurant, far from the commotion in the middle.
“Where’s Doyoung? I thought you were coming with him.” Johnny starts after they settle down.
“He’s working today so we had to come separately. He’s on his way though.”
Doyoung and Taeyong have been together for two years. They got together not long after Johnny and Ten broke up, which leads to an ongoing joke of Johnny and Ten passing their relationship to them. Though it takes a while for Taeyong to confess to Doyoung, everybody knows that they have had the hots for each other since they were seniors in university.
A knock on the door stops their conversation as Donghyuck barges into the room, “Now, who misses this cutie?”
Taeyong lets out a loud laugh as Donghyuck runs into Johnny’s arm, trying his best to litter Johnny’s face with kisses as Johnny pushes him away. Mark follows behind Donghyuck, greeting Johnny with their special handshake that they made when they were roommates in university.
It’s not long until Yuta, Doyoung and Jaehyun came. Johnny finds it fascinating how their friends just sit at their designated place as they used to back then. Doyoung and Taeyong would sit together obviously, and also Mark and Haechan, the youngest out of their friend group. Jaehyun would be sitting beside Yuta, always having the strongest bonds for being in the same frat house during university.
Johnny realizes the seat beside him is still empty. It’s Ten's place. Ten's designated seat.
Johnny puts the realization he just had safely to the back of his mind.
Laughter fills up the room thanks to everyone joking around and catching up. Johnny feels like he's back to being twenty, still chasing his dreams, thrilled to face adulthood. He thought that he would find all of this overwhelming but instead, it feels welcoming. Being with his friends feels like home. He definitely missed this so much.
It was when the table is filled with food and alcohol that another knock is heard on the door. The old korean-style sliding door screeches as the person behind it slides it open, revealing himself.
Ten.
Ten still looks the same as he did five years ago. He still has the same black hair, with tons of piercings adorning his ears. The same cat-like eyes that crinkle into the crescent moon as he smiles.
“Ten! Come on here!” Taeyong invites him in, followed by the screams of their friends, hyping Ten up. Johnny follows his friends' actions, trying his best to put aside his feelings.
"Sorry for being late guys, I had to finish up some work before coming here." Ten announce, cheeks tinted red from the coldness outside.
“It’s okay dude, come and take a seat.” Mark offers.
Ten then stares around the table, searching for an empty seat. Johnny’s heart beats louder as he realizes that the only vacant seat is the one beside him and Ten is eyeing it like he is hesitating to either sit there or not. Jaehyun then stands up and exchanges his seat from beside Yuta to the one next to Johnny smoothly. Ten gladly fills up the empty space, hugging Yuta tightly.
Johnny’s heart breaks into pieces.
Ten refuses to sit beside him, in his designated place. Johnny does not know what to expect. Of course Ten would avoid sitting next to him after what had happened. Johnny tries his best to ignore his feelings. He must not show sadness today, not when Taeyong has put so much effort in this. He cannot ruin this.
To Johnny’s surprise, the reunion went well even with Ten in it. When Johnny thinks about it back, it’s funny that he even ponders on the idea that it will be awkward or the reunion will go wrong. His friends will never let that happen.
Once they finished their food, they started a round of drinking games like they usually did. It starts with short games like forehead flick to longer ones like Never Have I Ever which resulted in half of them getting drunk. Taeyong, their group’s lightweight drinker, starts to tap out halfway into the night and Doyoung says their goodbye in order to take his boyfriend home. Donghyuck follows suit, not wanting to take the subway home too late.
And it is just the five of them left, the closest ones to Johnny in their friend group. Back in the days, they would call themselves the “ Foreign Swagger ” due to the fact that all of them are international students in their group. Johnny thinks about how silly and cringey the name is now, but he does not hate it, for it leaves one of the best memories he has ever had.
“How do you guys feel about a round of Truth or Drink before we end the night?” Yuta suggests.
“Oh hell yeah! I wanna hear all the tea tonight.” Mark retorts, wiggling his eyebrows.
Johnny can’t help but laugh at that. Mark has always been funny when he is drunk. One time, he made all of them weigh his head because it’s “heavy when he drinks” as Mark said. It's still one of the funniest things Mark has ever done in the 9 years Johnny has known him.
Johnny thought about pulling out of the game, afraid of getting questioned about things he does not want to answer, particularly because Ten is there and he’s afraid that he will overspill his feelings, but he does not want to miss the fun, especially when all of his best friends are here and they always, always do stupid things that will turn into a core memory for Johnny. And so, he pours them all another round of drink, to let the game start. Jaehyun then takes an empty bottle and places it in the middle of the table. He spins it around and the whole table's attention is on the bottle now, as they wait for it to stop. After a few rounds, the bottle stops and the tip is pointing at Ten. Johnny takes a gulp. He thought about asking a question, as there are a lot of questions that Johnny needs the answer to, before Yuta beats him to it.
“Who’s Kun?" Yuta pauses as he pours another drink and places it in front of Ten. An invitation to skip the question. "The guy you posted on your Instagram.” He continues, mischief and curiosity on his face.
Johnny’s heart beats louder from the question. He heard from Mark that Ten hooks up with a guy named Kun a year after their breakup. He has also seen all of the pictures Ten posts on his public instagram through his private account that he made to follow his favorite artists and close friends. The private account is actually made for fun after his main account was turned into a business one by his agent, and it became very helpful after Ten has blocked him on his main account, though Johnny still has no access to see Ten’s private instagram. The pictures that Ten posted of Kun looks like they are just friends, of them working on the same exhibition or enjoying a night out with others but Ten always sits the closest to Kun, either a hand on his waist or just standing beside him. Johnny guesses from the way Yuta looks when he asks Ten the question and the others reaction on the table just now, that it seems like Ten’s private profile also has pictures of Kun, maybe more intimate than the one that he lets the world see.
Johnny spends many nights thinking about how Ten had moved on and he didn’t, on how there will be another person who could love Ten better than he could, like Kun. He always has this recurring dream where there’s a person knocking on Ten’s door, and Ten would invite him in and they would do the same routine that Johnny and Ten once did, have a nice dinner, watch some movies, exchange jokes and they would end the night by cuddling in bed, their hearts full of love. In every dream that Johnny has, the faces of the people knocking on Ten’s door would be different, wearing different fits and bringing different gifts to make Ten smile, and Ten would invite them all with smiles on his face, happy to be with someone who could love him right while Ten’s memories of Johnny would fade, into nothing but an old story, a mistake that he made when he was young.
Johnny has no right to feel jealous as Ten has made it clear that he is just another stranger now, he’s not Johnny’s Ten and he’s free to do whatever he wants. Hence, Johnny would suppress his feelings by watching Ten from afar and hopes that when Ten has achieved his happiness, he won’t forget Johnny.
“Hooked up once and that’s it. We’re not really a thing though, he has a boyfriend.” He is brought back to reality as Ten looks directly at his face while he answers the question before quickly turning his head over to Yuta, raising one of his eyebrows as if asking if the answer satisfies him. With the look that Yuta just gave Ten, it seems that he is.
Johnny is caught dumbfounded at that. Why does Ten stare right into his face? Is Ten trying to tell him something? Is he trying to make Johnny jealous, by telling all of them that he hooked up after their breakup? Obviously, Ten doesn't know that Johnny knows about it, or is Ten trying to tell Johnny that he is single right now, and he is signaling Johnny to try and acquire his heart once again for the second time? He is trying hard to absorb what just happened, when his phone vibrates in his jeans pocket. He takes it out to see a message from Jaehyun pops up on the notification bar, then turns to Jaehyun to see that he’s currently smiling widely, cheeks red resembling a peach.
Jaehyun
go get it dude!
just dont fuck up this time :-*
Johnny can’t believe Jaehyun still has the chance to tease him while he is having a whole existential crisis. He slaps Jaehyun’s arms under the table lightly to get back at him but deep in his heart, he’s thankful for the younger’s effort to make him comfortable. Johnny is not going to lie, Jaehyun’s text really does give him a big amount of hope.
Ten then takes the bottle and spins it, scowling at Yuta who's now laughing out loud, clearly happy with whatever his plan is. Mark joins him too, slapping Yuta’s back like there is no tomorrow. It might be that Mark is ganging up with Yuta to bother Ten or he is just intoxicated, lost in the thrill of the alcohol that makes everything looks thousand times funnier than it seems. From the looks of it, it seems like the latter. In the second round, the bottle stops and points in Jaehyun’s direction, which influences the group’s loud cheer. Johnny isn’t sure which deity is on his side today but he is more than thankful to be given a chance to get back at Jaehyun for the silly act that he pulled up just now. He gives Jaehyun a wide smile as a sign of incoming terror as Jaehyun lifts an eyebrow at him, daring Johnny.
“Spill about that rumor of you with that famous model,” Johnny snickers at Jaehyun as he points a clenched hand just below his mouth, mimicking a microphone. “I’m sure the audience would like to know.”
“Aw man,” Jaehyun laughs, clearly pleased with Johnny’s question. “I’ve been wanting to tell you guys about her, thanks for the opportunity Johnny.” Jaehyun winks at Johnny before he starts again, “Yes, Irene and I have been together for three months, and before you guys ask again, no, she’s certainly not pregnant with my kids.”
"Wow, congrats Jaehyun! I'm really happy for you. And you really snatched Irene? The Irene? Impressive." Ten says as he pours another drink for all of them. Jaehyun titters at Ten’s praise as he scratches the back of his head shyly.
"Yeah dude, good for you. The rumors were crazy, by the way. I've heard one that says you have eight kids. Not one, but eight! Can you believe that?!" Mark adds animatedly, his eyes big and he swings his arms all over the place.
Jaehyun busts a gut at the news. "That's crazy. How do the netizens even think of all this?"
"I don't know bro, their imaginations are wild." Johnny replies as he takes the shot that Ten pours earlier.
"Good thing it didn't bother your career though." Yuta comments, "Gotta thank your manager for that."
Jaehyun grins as he hits his chest with his fist, proudly. "For real, he's better than Johnny's agent, that's for sure."
"Hey!" Johnny hits Jaehyun's arms jokingly. "That's true, but still!" He puts his arms on his hips, feigning hurt before laughing out loud himself. Johnny's agent isn't perfect, there are things he's done that Johnny doesn't agree with, but he's still thankful for him since he's one of the people behind Johnny's success.
Jaehyun and Johnny's journey to success is on different ends of a spectrum in an industry that is interdependent on each other. While Johnny has to search for an agent that sees his talent enough to promote him, Jaehyun was signed by a famous modeling agency once he graduated. Jaehyun has the privilege of knowing the industry better thanks to his company's guidance which results in him giving Johnny great advice on steps to take in the industry. Thanks to Jaehyun, Johnny has a second opinion on his career decisions beside his agent. Jaehyun was also the one who advised Johnny to change his old agent to a new one, after he had heard that Johnny's agent keeps on taking big portions out of Johnny's profit. Thanks to that, Johnny now has more freedom on his projects and a flexible work schedule, and he's certainly not overworked and stressed like he was before with his old agent. This has also led Johnny to finally search for his own belonging in this world, his happiness, his own home .
Jaehyun takes the bottle and spins it around again, and another round of Truth or Drink starts. It spins for a couple of rounds before it stops in Johnny’s direction. Oh god. He knows that the probability of him being chosen is high but after Jaehyun’s turn? Most likely it's Jaehyun’s plan. He sends a stink eye to Jaehyun which Jaehyun replies back by wiggling his eyebrows.
“Are you in a relationship right now?” Yuta asks as he directs his fist to Johnny’s mouth, following Johnny’s antics earlier.
“Nope.” Johnny says as he pops the p, hoping his answer satisfies everyone at the table.
“Boo! Boring! Everyone knows that Johnny can’t mov— Oww!” Mark winces as Yuta stomps on his foot under the table. Mark is definitely really drunk right now. Johnny takes a glance in Ten’s direction to see his reaction. He can’t help it, especially when he knows his friends are doing this because of them. Ten has his face hidden behind his hair, looking down under the table probably on his phone. Johnny doesn’t know what he expects. Of course, this would be awkward for Ten. Ten must have moved on, and hearing that his ex doesn't? Awkward as hell. Johnny tries to act natural, like all of this didn’t bother him.
“Okay, since that was boring, let me ask another one. Have you ever thought about reposing somewhere? Traveling all year long must have been tiring.” Jaehyun pries, taking the whole table's attention back to Johnny.
“That’s unfair, I’ve already answered Yuta’s. One question per round.” Johnny declares. It's not that he doesn't want to answer Jaehyun’s question, he just wants to skip it to play with Jaehyun like he always does. Besides, that’s the basic rule of Truth or Drink.
“But I answered two questions last round, so I get to ask you another one.” Jaehyun counters.
“Nuh-uh. One question per round.” Johnny wags a disapproving finger, still on his standpoint.
“Aw, but that's boring though! Yuta wastes a question and it’s true that Jaehyun answers two.” Mark slumps into his seat in defeat.
“It’s true, Jaehyun answers two so you must answer two. It’s only the rule.” Ten interrupts, grinning like a cheshire cat at Johnny.
What?
Johnny’s not going to lie, it caught him off guard. Earlier, Ten won’t even look up when they’re talking about Johnny and now he’s sitting there, smiling wide with crescent eyes at him? At Johnny? What is he trying to say? Is Ten mad at him or not? Isn't the situation awkward for him?
But oh god, does Ten know Johnny’s weakness. Johnny can’t say no, if Ten is looking at him, beaming, eyes full of attention to Johnny, his vision stuck on Johnny. And Johnny is addicted to it, he will do anything and everything just to get Ten’s attention on him, for Ten to realize that he’s here, and he made a mistake in the past but he’s here to fix it, and Johnny is still in love, so in love with Ten.
And so, all that Johnny replies is, “Yeah, I guess that’s fine. I’ll answer the question.” Because Johnny is weak, and if Ten asks him something, he can never refuse. “What was it again?”
“I asked if you were going to finally settle down, buy an apartment somewhere? Instead of traveling all year long because we all know how tiring it is.” Jaehyun demands.
Jaehyun definitely knew about Johnny’s existential crisis of finding his own belonging in this world. After he and Ten broke up, Jaehyun was the one who Johnny goes to, to talk about his feelings and most of it are about Johnny being tired of traveling around the world, chasing his dreams that he thought would make his life complete but instead is making him feel more empty as the days goes by and all that Johnny do is sitting alone, in a hotel with similar kind of interior in different countries. Jaehyun has told him many times, to maybe settle down, buy an apartment somewhere, adopt a dog or maybe a cat, find someone to love or maybe a one night stand, but Johnny can’t do it when his heart still belongs to someone else.
“I’m definitely tired of all this and want to settle down, but I don’t know how or where. I don’t really have a home. And I don’t mean a house, I mean a sense of belonging you know?” Johnny answers as he plays with the edge of his nails, anxious.
“And you’re gonna keep on traveling all by yourself? When I—” Ten pauses, “I mean, all of us are here for you?” He chokes up on his words, his eyes on the brim of tears.
Johnny is left with no words as he heard what Ten just said. He opens his mouth to answer them, but all that leaves him is just silence, tongue-tied. He closes it as he realizes that he’s still the same coward, who can’t bring himself to speak what he feels. He senses a tear choking him from the back of his throat as his mind pictures himself being left alone again, with no home to go back to. He couldn’t even blame anyone else as the one who did this to him is himself, thanks to his self-sabotaging tendencies.
“Let’s play another round! Let me spin the bottle this time.” Yuta pleads, breaking the thick wall of silence in the room.
Thus the night went on again and what just happened between Ten and Johnny is swept under the table, like it didn’t even occur. Johnny is just a mere human, as much as he would like to act as if everything is okay, he couldn’t, especially not when Ten keeps on drinking, shot after shot, and by the end of the night, Ten has his head on the table, half asleep.
They were all ready to go back home by then and Johnny watches as Jaehyun tries to wake Ten up. Ten refuses as Johnny assumes he would; Ten is always drowsy after he drinks ; and Jaehyun pleads with his eyes to Johnny, begging him for help.
“I will help you carry him to the car, you’ve booked an Uber right?” Johnny says as he picks up Ten’s outer coat and tries his best to put it on Ten. Once he finishes, he realizes that he got no answers from Jaehyun so he looks up, and he’s met with Jaehyun’s face grinning at him weirdly.
Oh no.
“Well actually, I’m going back to Irene’s tonight so I can’t help him,” Jaehyun pauses as he plays with the end of his puffer jacket, putting on his best puppy eyes, “Can you help him?”
Jaehyun has got to be kidding. Johnny can’t do it. He’s not ready to be left alone with Ten, not now. He turns to Yuta and Mark who's already wearing their outerwear, ready to leave as he asks, “Can you guys help him? Mark? Your house is the closest to Ten’s.”
“Uhm— Sorry Johnny but I’m actually going back to Yuta’s.” Mark replies, scratching the back of his head.
“Johnny, you know that my house is on a different route than Ten’s right? The driver is going to be pissed if he has to go from one end to another to get us home.” Yuta says and he looks really sorry for Johnny.
“Besides, you know Ten’s house the best.” Jaehyun adds, and he is already in front of the door, ready to leave.
Oh god.
_____
That’s how Johnny finds himself waiting for an Uber with Ten by his side, leaning against the concrete wall of the Korean barbecue restaurant. Johnny can’t help himself from stealing glances at Ten, especially when they are now alone together and Ten is standing right next to him, eyes closed and his back to the wall. He watches the same green fluorescent light from the signboard light up half of Ten’s face, highlighting his side profile. He’s so pretty, under the green light like this.
Johnny is reminded of a conversation he had once with Ten. It was a Saturday night, and every Saturday, Johnny would come by Ten’s house to have a movie night because it’s when Yangyang, Ten’s roommate, was out at his boyfriend’s. They were watching The Great Gatsby that night, Johnny’s left hand occupied with playing Ten’s hair on his lap while his right was petting Louis who’s sleeping on Ten’s stomach, purring. When the end credit rolled up, Ten had moved up from lying with his head on Johnny’s lap to sitting on it, hands on the back of Johnny’s head, fingers intertwined with Johnny’s hair. Louis grunted when Ten had moved, annoyed that his sleep was disturbed.
“What’s your green light, baby?” Ten had asked after he kissed Johnny on the mouth. Johnny answered that it was his hope of becoming an established photographer back then, when he still thought that his life would be complete by achieving his dream. Ten just laughs on his lap, gleaming with happiness in Johnny’s arms in response.
At that time he didn’t give it much thought, for all that both of them want in their life is to achieve their dream, but now, seeing Ten like this, now that Ten is no longer his, he realizes that he relates so much to Gatsby, whose hope was to reunite with Daisy. Ten is his green light all along.
Johnny needs a smoke to clear his head. He shoves his hand in his jeans back pocket and takes out a pack of dunhill with a lighter. He takes out a cigarette and places it on his lips, his right hand flicking the lighter while his left covers it up from the cold wind. He takes a long inhale of the nicotine, lets it rest in his lungs before he exhales it all out.
He is in the middle of taking his second draw when Ten suddenly says, “I want a cig too.” He is now staring at Johnny, eyes half lidded staring at the cigarette on his lips.
“I don’t have any vanilla cigarettes with me.” Johnny replies. Ten only smokes herbal cigarettes, his favorite is the vanilla flavored ones. Back when they were still together, Johnny always buys a pack of Honeyrose vanilla cigarettes and brings it with him anywhere he goes for Ten.
“I smoke normal cigarettes too now,” Ten declares, “People change, Hyung.”
Johnny watches as Ten stares right back at him, too stunned to speak. Ten’s right. Two years is a long time, changes are bound to happen. Johnny wonders what else about Ten has changed.
He takes out a cigarette, lights it up and waits for Ten to take it from his hand. What happens next makes his heart jump, all of his blood went to his face. Instead of taking it using his fingers, Ten leans down and puts his mouth on the cigarette’s end. He bites the filter, his lips brushing against Johnny’s finger as he takes it away. Johnny's skin burns with electricity where Ten's lips touched.
He stares as Ten takes a drag from the cigarette, watching how it fills up Ten’s lungs as his chest expands then relaxes when the smoke leaves his body. He observes how Ten's soft black hair gently sways when the wind blows, how Ten stuffs his hand into his jacket's pocket to ward off from the cold wind. Ten still looks the same as he did nine years ago when Johnny first saw him in his art theory class, the same soft black hair and cat-like eyes doodling on his Ipad instead of taking notes. He noticed Ten because Ten always sneaks glances at him, thinking that maybe Ten wants to borrow his notes, Johnny then offers to send him some by giving his number to Ten. Little did he know that Ten actually has a crush on him. Ten falls in love with him first, but Johnny falls harder.
When Ten takes the second drag from his cigarette, he turns around to face Johnny and raises his eyebrows, wondering why Johnny keeps on looking at him. Johnny feels all the blood in his body go to his face and he blinks his eyes rapidly, caught red handed like a deer in the headlights but the moment he wants to turn away, Ten turns his body facing him, now looking at him directly in the face. Their bodies are only inches apart, sharing the same space. Johnny can almost feel Ten's body heat, and his heart beats louder. Ten stares into his eyes, and Johnny does the same, lost in Ten's beautiful dark irises that resembles the black hole, sucking all of Johnny's existence. He founds it hard to turn away, so he keeps on staring, and Ten lets him, so he stares
and stares,
and stares,
but it's not enough. It's never enough. He wants to hold Ten in his hands, he wants to feel Ten's warmth as he pulls Ten in for a hug, he wants to feel Ten tremble as he kisses Ten breathless, he wants to feel Ten's skin, right under his skin.
The heavy feeling under his throat comes up again, so he tries to swallow it but it becomes harder, the load much heavier. He can feel the weight now behind his eyes, just a few seconds from leaking when a loud beep from a car breaks the heavy tension between the both of them. Their Uber ride. Ten turns away first and walks to the car like the last minute of them staring into each other never happened, leaving Johnny staring into the empty space, confused out of his mind. He collects himself for a second then follows Ten into the car, blinking the tears in his eyes away.
_____
The car ride to Ten's apartment is silent, Johnny and Ten sitting away from each other in the backseat. Johnny watches as the driver navigates through the street of Seoul, the road to Ten's apartment makes him feel nostalgic. It's almost amusing, the road that he used to drive through everyday five years ago now feels so familiar, but also a little foreign at the same time.
He takes out his phone and opens the messaging app to thank Taeyong for the reunion and that he had a good time when the driver went through a speed bump and he hears a thump coming from Ten's direction. Ten is sleeping with his head against the window, his neck curved at an uncomfortable angle. The driver drives through another speed bump and Ten's head thud against the window for a second time, this time harder than the first one. Ten winces in his sleep, clearly hurt and uncomfortable sleeping in that position.
Without thinking much, Johnny moves closer to sit beside Ten. He slips his hands in between Ten's head and the window, then gently, to not bother Ten's sleep, brings him over to his shoulder. To his shock, Ten snuggles into the crook of his neck and shifts his body to Johnny's side to get comfortable. Ten looks at peace and calm like this, so he lets him be. He watches Ten sleep against his neck, his lips so close to Johnny's collarbone, his breath fanning against Johnny's skin. Johnny can't help but smile, happy that he gets the chance to be in close proximity to Ten. He doesn't know whether he will get a chance to be this close to Ten again after this, so he let himself be selfish that night, watching Ten sleep, tranquil.
The driver takes a few minutes to get to Ten's apartment. The driver stops in front of Ten’s apartment and unlocks the door while Johnny gently taps Ten's shoulder, waking him up. "Hey Ten, we're here already. Do you think you can get to your apartment safely?"
Ten still has his eyes closed, dozing off on Johnny's neck as he says, "Accompany me, please."
Johnny lets out a small chuckle, finding Ten cute. He tips the driver and helps Ten get out of the car, careful not to knock Ten's head on the low headliner. Johnny slings his arm over Ten's shoulder, steadying him from tipping over as Ten refuses to wake up. He looks up to see the familiar building, the same cream colored fifteen floor apartment that he used to frequent in his early twenties. To be honest, Johnny never sees himself stepping on the same apartment block as he did 5 years ago. This feels a lot like a fever dream, and if it really is a dream, Johnny would never want to wake up from it.
When they reach Ten's front door, Johnny gently nudges Ten's side as he asks, "Hey, do you think you can key in your passcode?"
Instead of waking up, Ten groans into his neck, "You know it, right? The passcode."
Huh? Ten must be drunk out of his mind. He pushes the doorbell a few times and waits for Yangyang to open the door, but he never does. He checks the time on his wrist, 2:45 a.m, it's very unlikely for Yangyang to sleep so early. The only answer next will be to call out Yangyang’s name from behind the door but Johnny doesn't want to disturb the poor neighbors, especially this late at night. Yangyang must have been wearing headphones while playing games. Johnny is left with the last option which is to key in the passcode himself. It's not that Johnny refuses to attempt to open up Ten's apartment door, it's that the last time he keys in the passcode to this door was five years ago. It can't be that during those five years, either Ten or Yangyang has never changed the passcode once, right? It can't be.
But if he doesn't try, they will be standing here all night long. Ten is stubborn, and if he's drunk, his stubbornness is amplified by two times. And so, Johnny keys in the passcode that he remembers five years ago, the date they adopted Leon. He is greeted with a beep sound and a green light from the door, a sign that the passcode is correct. Huh.
When they were still together, Johnny was the one who always changes Ten and Yangyang's apartment door passcode every five months, for safety reasons he would say and Ten would roll his eyes at him. He can’t believe that both Ten and Yangyang has never change their passcode once Johnny left South Korea. He made a mental note to tell Yangyang to change the code before he leaves the apartment.
Once he opens the door, he sees two chubby cats in the hallway meowing loudly, one a siamese and the other an abyssinian, happy that their owner is back. Louis and Leon. Johnny melts at the view, he misses the cats so much. He bends down to help Ten take off his shoes when Leon comes near him, sniffs him for a few seconds before rubbing his head on Johnny’s body, meowing at him as if to say that he also misses him. Johnny’s heart breaks at that, he scratches Leon’s chin, promises the cat to give him some snacks once he has safely tuck Ten in bed. He calls out for Louis; who is watching the interaction from afar; to give him some pets but the cat just stares at him silently, his tail swinging from left to right before leaving them to go and resumes his nap on one of the cat towers. Johnny can’t help but smile at that, at least Louis is not scared of him. He still remembers when he first met Louis, the cat won’t even get out from under the sofa, hiding away from Johnny. Louis has always been scared of strangers, it takes a lot of bribes in the form of snacks for Johnny to finally lay his hand on him.
Johnny helps Ten get to his room and changes him into a clean shirt. He tucks him in bed, makes sure that Ten is comfortable before he leaves to get a drink for Ten and informs Yangyang of Ten's whereabouts. He also wants to see Yangyang, it’s been so long since he last saw him. He knocks on Yangyang’s door and waits, but Yangyang doesn’t reply. He calls out Yangyang’s name a few times but is met with silence. He checks the doorknob and finds that it’s unlocked so he twists it open, expecting to see Yangyang in front of his computer desk, playing games late at night like he always does in his room that is full of aquariums, the sounds of water accompanying him, but all that he sees is a room with no occupant, full of cats tower and boxes.
The phrase that Ten utters earlier at the restaurant rings into his ears, on how people change. He wonders how long it has been since Ten lives alone. He takes out his phone from his back pocket and texts Mark, asking him if Yangyang has moved out. He expects Mark to answer him the next morning since it’s late but he receives a reply a few seconds later, his phone lighting up from the notification.
Mark
yeah, he moves in with renjun 6 months ago
u didn’t know?
He sends three skull emoji and a “thanks for the info” to Mark as a reply. Well, that explains why there's a lack of cat content on Yangyang’s instagram. Good for him. He plans on leaving a hangover pill with water on Ten’s side table for him when he wakes up later. He’s pretty sure Ten has his medicine stacks in the fridge. “My mom said it's safer to keep them in a cold place,” is what Ten said when Johnny had asked him about it. He walks to the living room and meets Leon and Louis again, this time Louis joins Leon rubbing his legs to get some snacks. He went to their snack drawer, happy to see that it’s still in the same place and filled to the brim with cat snacks. He takes out a bag of Greenies and requires two pieces out of it to give it to the cats. Louis immediately takes his snack away, eating by himself on top of a cat tower near the window, afraid of getting his snack taken by Leon, while Leon just enjoys the snack right where Johnny gave him earlier. He’s fascinated with the cats behavior, they are definitely very charming. He bends down to give Leon a pat, praising him with some Good Boy before continuing his trip to the kitchen.
Once he’s in the kitchen, he goes straight to the top drawer located beside the stove and takes out a mug, the one with a picture of a cat because it’s Ten’s favorite, and puts it on the table to grab a mineral water from the fridge, because Ten doesn’t drink tap water. He walks over to the fridge and is met with a heap of pictures, stuck to the fridge with the help of fridge magnets. He remembers this fridge before, Ten and Yangyang used to have a competition on who’s able to fill up the fridge’s door with pictures the most, with Yangyang taking the top part of the fridge and Ten on the bottom. The competition went on for a month and obviously, Ten had won. He bends down to take a closer look at the pictures, feeling very nostalgic. The top part of the fridge which used to be filled with pictures of Yangyang’s life is now replaced with Ten’s, most of the pictures there are the ones that he took in China. There are photos that Johnny has seen before, the ones that Ten has sent to him via messages or on social media, like the picture of Ten at the Great Wall of China, a mirror selfie of Ten and Winwin with Winwin poking Ten’s cheek, a picture of Ten, Yangyang and Hendery eating hotpot when they were working together in Beijing, a picture of Ten at a park with Xiaojun and his dog, Bella. He stares longer at the pictures that are new to him, such as the picture of Ten at an exhibition, surrounded by people that Johnny assumes are important with the way they are clad in suits and dresses. He wishes that he could be there, supporting Ten on his side. There is also a selfie of Ten with Kun, Kun having his arm around Ten’s waist, a wide smile on both of their faces. He swallows back a feeling of dread at the back of his throat, then moves on to see the bottom part of the fridge.
The pictures stuck here are the ones that are more familiar to Johnny than the ones on top. Johnny can’t help but smile at the picture of Ten with his family, his mother sitting beside his father and Ten and his sister at the back, a birthday cake in front of his mom with frosting that spells “Happy 55th Birthday Mom!” on it. He has seen this picture many times before and it will always remind him of his trip to Thailand with Ten, visiting his family. He misses them so much. During his visit, he has bonded the most with Ten’s dad and Ten had argued that his dad now loves Johnny more than him. Johnny had laughed at that and kissed Ten’s temple out of adoration. He wonders what Ten’s family thinks of him now, the guy who broke Ten’s heart.
The memories from the last picture brings Johnny to peer over at another picture that he treasures. It’s a picture of him, Mark and Ten in front of Niagara Falls, taken during their trip to North America during a semester break. To be honest, Johnny doesn’t think that there would be pictures of him here, still stuck to the fridge. After his last visit to Thailand, Ten had whined that he wanted to visit Johnny’s hometown, and so, on the next semester break he found himself on an airplane ride to Chicago with Ten by his side. Ten had enjoyed his trip there, they went all over North America, from visiting The Bean to spending a week at Mark’s and visiting Niagara Falls together. Johnny’s mother had absolutely fallen head over heels for Ten, calling him My Love like he would to Johnny and saying that Ten is her long lost son. When Johnny had first told the news of their breakup to his mom, she was sad and had begged Johnny to go and chase Ten, but Johnny was and is still a coward, scared of his own feelings and rejection, which brings him to his position now.
He takes a second smoke that night over the kitchen’s window.
_____
Johnny doesn’t realize how long he’s standing in front of Ten’s door, a glass of water and a hangover pill in his hands. When he went into Ten’s bedroom earlier, he didn't really have much time to think, only the thought of wanting to get Ten comfortable and safe in his bed is his top priority, but now that he’s alone, separated from Ten between the thin walls that he starts to overthink again. He thinks about how this might be the last time he will see Ten, Ten would probably hate him for entering his house, his life again. He thinks about how he must gather all of his strength, to not leave a kiss on Ten’s forehead before leaving. He thinks about how this might be the last time he would get a chance to see the cats, to pet them and feed them snacks.
He gathers himself for a few seconds then twists the doorknob to enter Ten’s room. He expects to see Ten tucks in his bed but instead Ten is sitting on the edge of his bed, hands on his face crying. Johnny rushes over to Ten’s side, he puts the glass of water and the hangover pill on the bedside table then falls to his knees in front of Ten so that his face is on the same level as his.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He takes Ten’s hands away from his face so that he can see him clearly. Ten’s eyes are bloodshot red. Johnny’s heart breaks at the sight.
“I thought you already left.” Ten answers.
Oh.
Of course.
“I’m already leaving, no worries. I just want to leave the pill for when you wake up. I will get going now, sorry.” Johnny quickly stands up from his position. Of course Ten wants him gone. He turns to walk over to the door when Ten stops him by clutching his hand.
“Please don’t go. Stay here with me, please.” Ten begs.
Johnny has never felt such a feeling. He feels like there's a thunder rumbling inside of him, his heart pounding out of his chest while his brain runs at a thousand speed, full of questions. Why does Ten say that? Why does Ten want him to stay? Is this just a drunken conversation?
"Okay, I'm going to be in the living room. You can call me if you need anything." Johnny blurts out the mostly plausible thing he can think of at the moment.
"You can sleep here, beside me. Please, Johnny." Ten requests as he looks at Johnny with his red eyes, begging.
Johnny is weak. He is so weak. He can't help himself but to grant every wish that Ten has ever asked him of. He will do anything to take those tears away, but taking advantage of Ten when he is vulnerable is not it.
"I can't be on the same bed as you if you're drunk," He kneels down to look at Ten's face again. "I will be sleeping on the couch, yeah?" Johnny reassures Ten, trying his best to console him.
"But— Actually—" Ten pauses, "This is embarrassing."
"What is? You can always tell me anything, Tennie."
"I'm actually not drunk. I faked it. So that you will accompany me home." Ten looks down on his hand in his lap. Johnny can see his cheeks blooming red.
Johnny is confused. He is not sure if Ten is saying all of this just to get what he wants. If he follows what Ten's drunken confession wants, Ten might regret it the next morning. Johnny takes his hand and puts it on Ten's chin. He lifts up Ten's face to see him clearly, wanting to understand what makes Ten so sad.
"What do you mean, Tennie?" Johnny asks, voice soft to not scare Ten off.
"Uhm— It's Yuta's plan. To get us to talk. About what happened."
Oh.
So that's what all of this is. Everything clicks in Johnny's brain. He can't help but to let out a little laugh, finding all of this silly.
"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, Johnny. You can go home if you want. I will—"
"Let's go to bed, yeah?" Johnny cuts Ten off, smiling widely at him.
Ten looks at him with wide eyes then a smile appears on his face. He nods his head happily with a grin on his face. Johnny's heart melts at the sight. He watches as Ten gets in bed while Johnny takes his sweater off, leaving only his t-shirt to get cozy. Ten slides over and lifts up the blanket for Johnny to get in. Once he settles down, he pulls Ten into his arms and laces his fingers in between Ten's hair, Ten's head on his chest. He's sure Ten can hear his heart beating loudly but he doesn't care, he has Ten in his arms, finally.
"I miss you." Ten starts.
"I miss you too, so much." Johnny replies. He kisses the top of Ten's head.
"I'm sorry," Ten's says as his eyes pool with tears, "I'm sorry I blocked you out, I'm sorry I walked away so fast."
"It's okay Ten, it's not your fault." He wipes away the tears on Ten's cheeks then leaves a kiss on the tear tracks. "I have my mistakes too. I'm sorry I gave up too early and I'm sorry I didn't chase after you."
"It's not entirely your fault too, John. I'm selfish for wanting you to chase me when I could do the same thing."
Johnny wants to argue that it is his fault. That Ten deserves better, Ten deserves to be chased after, but he knows that Ten will stand still on his point so he puts the thought to the back of his mind.
“You know, I think about this a lot.” Ten declares, running a point finger on Johnny’s chest.
“Think about what?” Johnny suppress a shiver, tickled by Ten’s caress.
"About why we fall apart. Though I miss you like crazy, we can't deny that we really do need a break at that time to focus on our dream. Look at how much we have achieved, we couldn't even imagine that we would grow this big back then." He raises his head to look up at Johnny. From here, Johnny can see that Ten’s face is red from crying so much. He takes a tissue from the bedside table and wipes the snot off of Ten’s nose which he receives Ten’s laughter in return.
Ten is always so wise. Johnny figures that it’s true, they really do need time to chase their own dream. It reminds Johnny of La La Land, a movie about two lovers that had fallen apart to chase their own dream but instead of the cliche ending where they ended up together at the end of the movie, they both had moved on with their own lives, living different stories and creating new memories. Johnny decides that he likes being cliche, and instead of falling apart like the two lovers, he wants to change his fate, as he is given the chance right now to make things right.
“Well, I kinda wish that I was there to see your achievements though,” Johnny pauses as he runs his hands through Ten’s hair, moving it from covering Ten’s face so he can see him clearer. “But I really hope that I can be there for you from now on, if you would like.”
Ten sends a wide smile at him, his eyes turning into crescent. Johnny can feel the muscles on his face mirroring Ten’s, happiness filling up his heart.
“Of course, silly.” Ten lifts himself up using his arm so that he can reach Johnny’s face. He plants a kiss on Johnny’s lips, soft and tender. He pulls away to ask Johnny a question, “Do you promise to stay with me forever, from now on?” He asks Johnny, eyes full of hope.
“Why would I run away now, when I have found my home?”
When Ten falls asleep on Johnny’s arm, his chest rising up and down from breathing, Johnny spends a little more time staring at Ten, feeling like his heart could burst from all of the love that Ten has filled inside him. He whispers into Ten’s ear “I love you,” and falls to sleep with butterflies fluttering in his chest.
_____
Johnny wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes to see Louis' cute face in front of him, purring softly. He chuckles at the sight then lifts his arm to scratch the cat’s chin. He then turns to his side to greet Ten but instead he is met with the blanket, Ten’s missing from his side of the bed. Johnny’s heart starts palpitating, panicking from the thought that Ten had left him alone. He rubs his eyes, trying his best to get rid of the sleep, then turns around to search the room. The feeling of relief surges him, once he sees that Ten is leaning over the windowsill, smoking. The scent of Ten’s smoke fills up the room and Johnny realizes that he is au fait with the scent, having to smell the woody and sweet yet bitter scent so many times before.
Vanilla cigarettes.
Ten turns around and greets him with a smile as he puts out the cigarette on the ashtray beside him. He walks over to the bed then crawls on all four to sit on top of Johnny. It reminds Johnny so much of a cat. He puts his hands on Ten’s waist, tracing his thumb on Ten’s hip.
“Good morning, babe.” Johnny says as Ten leans down to place a kiss on his lips. Johnny can taste the cigarette that Ten smokes earlier on his tongue, the smokey vanilla with a hint of honey jolts his tongue. He kisses Ten until all that he can feel on his tongue is the dizzying taste of Ten himself. Ten pulls away from Johnny’s kiss to catch a breath, leaving Johnny lightheaded from the kiss. “I love you,” Johnny whispers as he takes Ten’s hand to his mouth, kissing the top of Ten’s hand, “So much.”
Ten falls to Johnny’s chest and laughs, his laughter filling up the room. Johnny runs his hands on Ten’s back, feeling the vibration of Ten’s laugh on both his chest and the palm of his hand.
Ten then kisses the tip of Johnny’s ear and whispers back, “I love you, darling.”
Johnny realizes that he can finally stop searching, for Johnny has finally reached home.