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You fucked up.
“It wasn’t like he meant to do any of that, it was out of his control.” Pause. “Tony, I’ll be fine.” Sigh. “Yes, tell the others I am ok. I can handle him. Look he’s stopped screaming, I’m gonna try and..No Tony we can’t do that.”
You really fucked up Barnes.
Steve’s upset with you, again.
Not so much as upset, more like disappointed.
Which is way worse.
“Bucky, hey can I come in?”
Steve’s voice outside Bucky’s door snap him from his thoughts. He didn’t even hear Steve’s conversation with Tony end, let alone hear him walking down the hallway. Damnit.
“Buck?”
Answer or he’ll think your crazy.
“No.” His voice is raspy and heavy, like he just spent the last two hours screaming. Which he did.
“Oh..” Well, damn now Steve really did sound disappointed.
“Maybe.. in a bit.” He answers back quickly, hoping to at least try and make Steve happier. It does, because he can hear the faint smile in Steve’s voice.
“Okay, I’ll make some soup then I’ll come back.”
Damnit. Things are bad. Bucky really messed up this time. He didn’t mean to, swear to god, he didn’t mean to. But now Steve’s hurt and they all saw him like that. He didn’t want anyone to see him like that. Ever.
Totally and completely broken.
What a fuck up.
They probably all think you’re some screw up.
And they’re not wrong.
Things got a bit out of hand. He woke up in a mood, so it was going to be a bad day anyway. But he’s handled bad days before. Steve always helps him when he has a bad day. He’ll wake up screaming or crying or scratching at his skin until it bleeds. Steve will come in with a glass of water and his favorite hoodie. Bucky will make room for Steve on the bed. The two will sit there in silence while Bucky slowly drinks the water and Steve slowly moves his arm so its pressed up against Bucky’s back. Bucky likes when he does that because Steve rubs his hand on Bucky’s back and it makes him feel better. Safer. Then Bucky puts on Steve’s favorite hoodie and they just lay there.
Then the sun comes up and they do their normal routine, just a bit slower of pace and both more cautious of the things around them. All in all, things always go great and the two end up pressed together later at night watching a movie with the others.
Everything was supposed to go smoothly. Everything was going smoothly.
Until the movie.
He fell asleep.
You’re a fucking idiot. You know you are not supposed to fall asleep.
It was cold and he was sitting in the chair and that man, Alexander Pierce, was there.
“Wipe him. Now. Get rid of Rogers and get rid of the others. Break him until there’s nothing left. Then do it again.”
Bucky fought back. He kicked and he screamed because he there was no way in fucking hell he was losing Steve.
Not again.
So he fought and punched and kicked and heard Steve yelling his name and his eyes snapped open and Clint’s neck was bleeding and everyone was staring at him like he was some wild animal.
Because you are.
And Steve, oh my fucking god, Steve was bleeding. He was clutching his side and he was behind Bucky and Bucky was still pointing a knife at Clint and
“Oh no.” Was the only thing heard before the clattering of the knife hitting to the ground.
You hurt Clint too ya know.
You could of sliced an artery!
A light knock at his door made him jump.
“Bucky, I made soup and a ham and cheese sandwich. Can I come in?”
Steve.
“I’m not safe.” Was all he said, looking down at his hands, still stained with Clint and Steve’s blood.
“Bucky don’t say that.”
“It’s true.”
“No, Buck, it’s not.”
Oh, he was mad.
He opens the door, and there’s Steve, trying to smile, holding a tray of food in his hands.
“Yes it fucking is.” Bucky takes the tray from Steve’s hands and puts it on the dresser next to the door.
“You’re living proof!” He yells, grabbing the hem of Steve’s shirt and lifting it up past his stomach to reveal and large bandage over his side, with blood still spotting through.
“This’ll heal in a week, Bucky!”
You’re making Steve yell. You know how Steve hates yelling at you.
Look what you’re making him do.
“Clint is not a fucking super soldier, Rogers! I could have fucking sliced his throat open!” Bucky pushes past him and walks into the living room, running his hands roughly through his hair.
“But you didn’t!” Steve follows after him, arms folded over his chest like he proved some kind of point.
“In my mind Steve, I was trying to slice Pierce’s throat, there was no way in hell I was going to be stopped if I didn’t wake up.” His voice gets smaller as he talks, his right hand now shaking slightly.
“I was going to kill Clint.” He practically whispers.
Murder one of the first people to accept you.
Nice.
“It’s just, I can’t keep pretending I’m some hero! I'm not!”
“You don’t have to pretend Bucky, and you don’t have to be a hero. You don’t have to do or be anything you don't want to.” Steve slowly makes his way closer to Bucky, his arms open.
“Just, stay with me, that’s all I want from you. Nothing else.” Steve says, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s shoulders and pulling him in.
Instantly, Bucky comfortably shifts himself so he can rest his head on Steve’s shoulder.
“I hurt you.” Bucky shuffles back slightly, face wet and red, and runs his metal hand across Steve’s right side.
“And I’m okay.” Steve smiles.
“I’m so sorry.” His voice cracks and he leans back into Steve, shuttering while more tears run down his face and dampen Steve’s shirt.
“I’m okay, Bucky. I promise.” Steve runs circles across Bucky’s back and sighs.
“And you still love me?” Bucky asks, voice quiet and not confident at all.
Steve pulls him back with wide eyes. “James Barnes,” He cups Bucky’s jaw with his hand and turns his face they’re making eye contact, “there isn’t a thing in this world that you could do, that could make me not love you anymore.” He says, matter of factly.
And Bucky can’t help but smile because, christ, does he love Steve Rogers more than anything in the entire universe.
“How did I ever get so lucky?” Bucky shakes his head and leans back into Steve while sighing.
“You stopped Rob Brenton from kickin’ my ass. That’s not that lucky.”
Bucky wraps his arms around Steve’s waist and gives the smallest hint of a smile, “I’m lucky in the long run.”
And the two just stand there, comfortably like that for minutes, maybe even an hour, who knows.
“I love you, Buck, never think I wont.”
Steve Rogers, the one person that keeps him there.
***
“So, uh, I’m really sorry.. about last night.” Bucky currently standing in front of the rest of the Avengers and he is also currently holding in his breath until someone responds.
“I wasn’t attacked, so I’m all good.” Tony laughs, leaning up against the back counter with a beer in his hands.
Bucky glares at Tony then looks back at the couch, where Clint and Natasha are sitting, the only two people he actually gives a fuck about right now.
“Man, it’s fine.” Clint smiles at him then so does Natasha, a small smile like she knows something about you.
She probably knows everything about him.
“We are?” He bits his lip and fidgets around more before holding out his right hand for Clint.
“Yes, you weren’t trying to kill me, specifically so it’s okay dude.” He takes Bucky’s arm and shakes it.
Finally he lets out that breath he’d been holding in.
“Yea and now he has a cool scar to tell all his little buddies about back at his building.” Nat smiles again and gives Bucky a quick hug.
God did she have a way of making you feel a little more at ease with yourself.
And god did he really love this group of people.