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It all started very innocent. Just two boys being boys.
If asked who and why started it, they don't know. For as long as they remember it was always the two of them. Roommates turned into friends, to brothers even. They were truly inseparable.
Best friends would be an understatement.
They were joined at the hip since the day they've met. Always paired up during training, sitting next to each other on the bus, rooming together during away games. They've spend every minute together as they can. They knew each other, learned every little thing about the other one. The years passed and nothing changed. They grew up together and it was still the same. One run to the other immediately after something happened, or called at least. They had their fun with other people, but nothing too serious. They were too young to start a relationship, too good looking to be exclusive, as Manuel liked to say.
Then with one haste, filled with adrenaline kiss after a win they turned to lovers.
They took it one night after another. It was a natural process, to take their friendship one step further. Sharing a bed was inevitable. They’ve never discussed what was between them. That was the mistake. They thought they knew one another like the back of a hand, but they were wrong. That did not stop them.
For Manuel it was pure fun. He didn't want to settle down, he wanted to try new things, to be free, to taste everything.
But for Patrick it was always more than just a way to kill the time, more than just celebrating a win or forgetting about a bad game. He wanted more than sex, he wanted love.
He wanted everything.
---
"Really, you don't have to. It's fine, don't worry-"
"I want to." Manuel interrupted. He licked his full lips and looked at Patrick from between his legs. "Let me try if it's okay?"
Seeing Loca in this position, with already sweaty curls framing his face and eyes looking straight into his own, just begging to put his lips around Patrick's dick, it was almost too much for him to take.
"Please?" Manuel kissed the inside of his thigh. "I'll be a good boy and will make you feel amazing."
Patrick's heart skipped a beat when Manuel's nose nudged on the front of his underwear before he kissed his other thigh.
He only nodded. He couldn't find the words, afraid to sound too desperate. Of course he wanted him to do it. He'd lie if said that he never thought about how Manuel's lips would feel. His mind was screaming, it's finally happening, and he was sure he won't last long.
He was right, it felt amazing. It was better than he could ever expect it to be. By all means it wasn’t perfect – too much teeth and pace was all over the place, but it was Manuel. It was enough for him.
“You’re so beautiful, I love you so much”
Manuel only smiled at the confession. He wanted that, he needed the validation. If he wasn’t good enough to stay in Milan, he would at least be good enough to make Patrick come with his mouth.
---
Patrick is not sure how he's feeling. He should be happy, relaxed. But watching Manuel sleeping calmly next to him made him feel uneasy.
After so many years of doing this he started to be tired. He wanted to stop this before it gets too far to be bearable, but he would never give up on whatever they have.
His head was full of emotions, but not the ones that was expected to feel after mind blowing sex. He was overthinking again. Analysing every little gesture, every thing that Manuel ever told him. He was hoping to find something sincere there.
In that moment he knew they'll never be together. That he'll never be enough.
Deep down he realised that Manuel's every love confession was never real. He loved having sex with him, being bossed around, being called a good boy, being on his knees, but he did not love Patrick. Not in the way he would want to, not in the same way he loved him. They would never be anything more that just friends.
He felt it for a long time, years even, but he shut down that voice inside his head. He finally realised it, but wasn't sure if he is strong enough to stop whatever it is between them. Manuel was his addiction that always came crawling back to his bed. Patrick knew that they should stop. It always ended with a broken heart and weeks of thinking, hoping, praying for it to become more real.
Patrick couldn't stop himself and ran hand through Manuel's hair, his soft locks. Just one last time, to remember how it feels to have him that close.
He wanted to be loved, to be the only one that Manuel loves.
It wasn't possible. Right there he decided, they should stop. He should stop letting Manuel break his heart over and over again. He was delusional, but maybe it was worth trying? Maybe it was finally time to get a grip on his life and stop hoping that he and Manuel can ever become a real couple.
He also knew that it was all just another lie and he would always come back to him, because he was that kind of fucked up.
Because Patrick loved Manuel and nothing could change it.
---
"God you're so much better than others, I missed you fucking me"
Patrick stops for a second. Maybe he misunderstood him. He bends down to where other man's face is pressed into pillows.
"Others? So the rumours are true after all? You really are whoring yourself to anyone that's willing?"
He straightens up and grips Manuel's hips stronger. Strong enough to leave a bruise there. Good, he thinks, he'll leave a mark so everyone can see that Locatelli is his boy to fuck. He can go to others, fine, but in the end he'll always come back begging for Patrick to fuck him.
Of course he missed it too. He missed having Manuel this close, this vulnerable under him. He just came back to Italy, again, after yet another disappointing episode in England. He missed Manuel, not only as a friend, but also as a lover. But this is not what he expected and ha hates himself for falling to their old ways again.
He speeds up.
Patrick's angry, he's jealous, he wants to make sure that Manuel won't forget this. He can also feel his heart break, again, he’s used to this by now.
“So Pessina isn’t enough? You’re such a slut, Locatelli.”
At that moment he wanted to hurt him. Because he was hurt himself. He didn’t really want it, but the urge was so much stronger.
"No one is as good as you. God, I love you, I missed you."
Manuel is a mess. He's moaning, he's rambling stuff he won't normally tell Patrick. He is enjoying the new rougher pace. He can definitely feel bruises already forming on his hips. He doesn't mind, he wants those. He wants to be marked by him, to feel that he belongs to someone.
Patrick doesn’t believe it. He thinks that this is just Manuel’s sex brain short circuiting and talking nonsense. It wouldn’t be the first time he heard it and then was left all alone. But he’ll take it anyway, he’ll feed his broken heart these breadcrumbs until the next time.
---
He lays with a head on Patrick’s naked chest. He’s sure the other one is sleeping now. Manuel is drawing small circles on his chest, his stomach.
“I love you so much it hurts, you know?”
He’s talking to the darkness in the room. If he’d try, he could probably see the mess of their clothes on the floor.
“I wish we could stay like that forever.”
That night it was different.
Manuel knocked on his door, clearly tired and not in the best headspace. He was tired of running, of looking for a moment of rush with another one night stand. He didn’t want just another fuck like before. He wanted something more. Something that he was too scared to say out loud. And of course Patrick sensed it.
Their relationship might have changed over the years. They weren’t as close as they once were. They grew apart, tried to move on, tried to live without each other. But deep down they were still best friends who found each other on Milan training grounds.
They were still just two boys foolishly and hopelessly in love with each other.
They were gentle, for once in such a long time they took it slow. He remembers his heart stopping for a moment when he straddled Patrick, slowly lowering himself on him and looking him in the eyes. He hoped that this small gesture will tell Patrick how he really feels. It was his version of opening up. This time they were actually kissing. Patrick couldn’t stop himself, he was repeating that Manuel is his and his only.
All Manuel could do was moan Patrick’s name over and over again.
It was all new to him. All the feelings overpowering him. He was sure now. Sure that this is what he really wants.
His brain was melting because of the praises and love confessions. He never felt like that with anyone, ever.
He whispered “I’m yours. Only yours” when he reached his climax.
He remembers the bliss when few seconds later Patrick pressed face to his shoulder when he was coming himself and whispering that he loves him and he always will.
Manuel kisses gently Patrick’s chest. He’s trying not to move much, but he can’t stop himself.
“I was an idiot. All those years I was such an idiot. I shouldn’t be afraid of this. We could have so many good years together already. I am so sorry”
Manuel can feel tears already gathering in the corners of his eyes. But nod a sad ones, no. He’s happy that he finally came at peace with what he feels.
“You are the most amazing part of my whole life. I am so glad you still put up with my bullshit.”
Safe, that’s how he feels now. Safe and loved. Not that he’s ever going to admit it out loud. Manuel is not ready yet. One day. One day he’ll tell him everything.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’m never leaving you again. I’m finally ready.”
He will tell him, he will look in his eyes and he will tell how much he loves him.
But Patrick is not sleeping.