Work Text:
Right after The Beauty of Darkness
Lia
Today was the day a thousand dreams will be reborn. The hunch of them, bundled up in my chest felt familiar. It gave me a glimpse of my old self again, a 17 year old girl that was fleeing her own wedding because she had bigger dreams of her own. Those dreams were very recognizable, yet again louder than they once were. Unlike that girl, my wishes now have a face, one I can see even when I close my eyes, forever scorched to the inside of my mind.
I have become accustomed to this new routine as a monarch, the busy days and quiet lonely nights. The endless meetings and sea of paperwork, many new faces and sparse free time. But now It all was pushed to the back of my head. The bustling routine that was on my mind even in my sleep couldn't be further this moment, as grassy hills opened at my feet. This scenery is something I am familiar with. Nothing like the view in Morrighan and Civica but home altogether. Trees rose around us and I could hear the river floating beneath our feet.
All those months ago when I returned to Venda I had ventured the same trails I rode together with Rafe and his four soldiers. All of us hurt and worried but then again it was the last time we were really together. In all the uncertainty we had one another and looking at it back, it seems enough.
I had wondered then if there will ever come a time I could travel through and not be reminded of the days we spent fleeing. If i could walk my own kingdom and it will be tainted by what i have earned, what i achieved. And not what I lost.
I find a sense of ease when I travel the land these days, compassed in the memories that once cut deep, but time had turned into a familiar twist in the stomach. Small moments of us still float in my mind, intertwine with the landscape and show me that he is in every corner. It's in the river, how he held my broken body and it’s when it snows and the wind roars and shakes the trees, and I am reminded of him mending to my wounds and whispering promises. Most of the memories were heart wrenching moments of grieving what we had lost, or the good times that I knew can't return.
"What are you thinking about?'' His words brought me back to where we are standing. Rafe was seated on his horse next to mine, now dressed in new riding clothes as he got some time to clean, which were still quite plain and modest for the king of Delbreck. He got off his horse and grabbed a small saddlebag swiftly.
Disbelieve still loomed over me. I was wonderstruck and couldn't realize that this is reality now. The pain of the past months is lifting slowly away, my wounds starting to stitch back together. But it is a vicious dance I am part of. Every step I get to make, move forwards, I find another gash I didn't know about before that is still bleeding.
"About you" I said and Rafe smiled in response.
My heart flattered in my chest. Small motion in his lower face that I longed to see again all these months we spent apart. A smile that I thought I would never get to see flung at me again.
Here right in front of me. The thought of it twisted something in my stomach, I was happy. Truly happy. All the missed opportunities and hurt that were caged in my mind could be set free. The past is exactly that, a lesson I got to learn and be stronger thanks to.
Rafe's stare lingered on me, the same soft smile I know so well marked his lips and danced in his eyes. An expression that was so recognizable to me, for he is the same as he was when we met all that time ago.
He then reached out his hand out for me to grab. I got used to getting things done on my own, ignoring Kaden or Griz when they wanted to assist me. The intention was always true, but to me it was another thing that is holding me back. I needed to prove myself more often than not, and I did not intend to give any sign of being incapable of tasks due to my maimed hand. But now it was just the two of us, and there was no need to refuse it. Rafe fussing around me, making sure I am taken care of with the smallest things was familiar and comforting. I can never hide next to him, or pretend I am always strong and never broken. It was a small second just for the two of us. We looked at each other and his eyes seemed pleading, curious. Unspoken conversations sparked in them, wishing for me to take a leap. Ensuring that next to him, I can let go of my guard, I can trust him, and let him trust me.
I placed my healthy hand on his, our fingers locking together instantly. Every touch we got to sneak in the few hours he’s here sent waves of warmness through me, lingering and intense. Every time he brushed my hand gently or cupped my face, there was a silent promise for more in it all. Even now, I indulged in the warm feeling of him. Rafe’s touch steadied me on the ground and we stayed there holding each other for what seems like an eternity. A blessed and beautiful eternity that I wished to escape to.
He let go, and my horse was whisked away to be tended to, tied to a tree next to Rafe’s. A small brigade of soldiers, most of them Vendan, were standing there armed. Having them around became my new reality, strange though an important one. When I'm walking the Jahendra, I order them to stand far in the distance. Still alert in the risk of danger, but not close enough to frighten the passing by.
Now, their proximity was also a hindrance.
Rafe ordered for his soldiers to wait for us near the horses. I gave a similar order to the Rahatan, who seemed just as displeased. “Your Majesty we-” one of the Delberck soldiers protested.
“The compromise we settled on was 100 yards. The place is just below us so no one is displeased." Rafe called out. After another exchange of words they insisted on inspecting the area first before letting us go freely.
The grass stretched beneath our feet as he led me, away from the horses that were tied to a nearby tree and away from the kingdom. This moment we were together and safe at last, not fighting and running scared for our lives. It was the ease of it all that sparked alarm inside me. It felt like a dangerous haze. No way to foresee the next blow that will be thrown at us. All cloaked in mystery. But one thing about our future was certain, we were no longer putting our responsibilities before us . I glanced at his profile, sharp edges and eyes focused ahead but soft. His face was calm and hair softly blowing in the wind. Something inside me screamed that it's too easy. I am going to be whisked away and I couldn't return before it is too late.
Past dreams and false hope marked today as an illusion. I would find myself often searching for Rafe next to me, or expecting him to walk through the door any second now. My dreams have prepared me well. I am a fast learner. I would lay at night wondering if Rafe would ever get to fulfill his promises to me, if we were destined for a second chance at the life we had both wanted. Sometimes he would come to me, and in some dreams I would run to him. The scenarios were endless. He was present in my worst dreams too. My nightmares ended in him getting hurt and far away from my reach.
A few weeks ago i was sitting in my study room with Rhys. We all had a rough few weeks but I insisted I will spend some time with him so Pauline and Kaden can have few hours free to themselves. I looked into his bright eyes and pale hair, held him close to my chest. He was smiling and mumbling wirelessly. I hung up on him as if his toddler innocence could catch down to me and erase my deepest worries. That night I awoke from a dream about Rafe holding a baby in his arms. When he sees me walking to him, he lifts up his head and smiles to me. His eyes glistened with fatigue but an exploding happiness. It left heaviness in my chest, pressing on my buttons and hitting in waves. It was still dark outside, and i let my covers to swallow me whole as I cried. This dream would appear often, against my better judgment since i came to Venda. And ruthlessly circle through my head hours after i am already awake.
My head was spiraling heavily, my emotions crushing in waves and not easy to tame. I realized I had stopped walking. My legs grew weak and my vision blurred.
Rafe turned to me, noticing the shift in me.
"Lia?" He placed his hands firmly on both my arms and the sudden touch of them made me stare up at him, a crease on his forehead.
A dam that was fortified, well built inside of me broke in a single moment, and i couldn’t hold back the tears. Both of his arms wrapped tightly against me, holding firmly all the brokenness i felt. “Lia” he whispered to my hair and felt his warm breath on my scalp. I was whimpering, feeling the fabric of his shirt on my cheek. I didn’t know how long we were standing there, me falling apart and him, offering his arms to stitch me back together.
“Talk to me" Rafe pleaded once my breath settled. He tilted my head up at me, and I shook my head. “I am so terrified of waking up” I said in a voice muffled with an ache, one rooted in my throat. “You, walking in today… This is all a dream. I never gave up thinking you'll come back to me even when I knew I should. I am the happiest I have been in months, having you here. But it woke terrifying dreams, ones I won't be able to escape from. Of the future you promised me, dreams of us. I won't be able to stand it again. Having those dreams broken and taken away. Of having you, you being finally by my side... I am afraid of you slipping through my fingers and then I'd be losing you again.”
His gaze was sharp and focused into mine, lips slightly parted. I could see it all written there, things he was telling me without words, It was laid out for me to know. How heart wrenching these past months were on him just the same, exposing the hurt we both share. I shook my head, letting out a soft sigh.
“And at night. I would wake from dreams, that you would come back to me, but it never lasted, you would always disappear when I woke up."
"I wanted to reach to you so many times in the last months. Not with letters, like this” I said, crossing his left hand into mine, and placing it on my wet cheek. His thumb moved, whipping my tears away. Comforting me, letting me know he is there, letting his body speak as my words flooded around us. Every tear escaping my eyes was met with his soft touch, tender and dominant. “You’re all I could think about Lia.” His voice came out as a whisper. His eyes glistened, never leaving mine. “I missed you. Part of me was there at home, doing my job. Meetings over meetings, all these decisions that needed to be made. All the duties I need to fill. But whenever a letter came from Venda, I just couldn’t ignore you. I wanted you to have everything you need, without a question.” A soft smile decorated his lips now, intersecting with the pain we both felt. “The other part of me was here with you. Wondering about your days, if you’re happy. It tore me apart being away from you, and the miles stretched between us felt like they were only growing. Each day passed, i was was more afraid we’re drifting apart”
“Not long ago, I met a maid. I promised her numerous tomorrows. I will spend every breath I take making this promise come true. Maid, a princess or a queen, I love the person I feel for just as much as I love the one who is standing in front of me. I want to grow old with you, I want to be so involved in your life that it would infuriate you” A laugh, followed by a soft sob escaped my lips. My hands caressing his lower back, hugging his waist.
Rafe placed his second hand on my cheek, cupped my head between his palms to lift my face closer to his. "Use this pain you felt, the pain I feel is my fuel now. It's my drive forward" He leaned to kiss me and the moment his lips touched mine everything grew quiet. All I could feel was his mouth pressed against mine and his hands that were lowering from my face to scour my body, as if to make sure I am still there at every passing second. Before I could resist, his head drew back and he placed his forehead close to mine. "I'm not leaving Lia '' I closed my eyes again. "You couldn't, even if you tried. My Rahatan will hunt you down" He laughed now, taking in a deep breath as my arms wrapped tighter around his body, storking the fabric of his shirt.
Rafe shifted his weight and lowered his head to whisper in my ear “We are giving them a show”. I laughed. This can't be what our chaperons thought escorting the rulers of two of the most powerful kingdoms would be like. Rafe looked behind me at the squad that were waiting for us when we returned. "Wrong idea about how diplomacy works".
We continued walking, his hand laced with mine. Rafe led us to a diversion in the road that was leading us closer to the water. We continued to ascend down, the greenery growing thicker and the hem of my dress intertwining with vines and wild thorns. When we got to a stop I understood why Rafe brought me here. We reached the shore, where a soft piece of land was shaded underneath a natural edge of a rock, sticking out of the hill. "We found this place by mistake on our way here." Rafe explained.
The water was clear, warmed by lucky strands of sunlight that were able to escape. It was all hidden, not visible from above thanks to the trees that gave complete privacy. Rafe found a way to twist his captain's shouts before we left. We were to be 100 yards away from armed guards at all times away from the sanctum. Griz was standing behind him, arms crossed. As he spoke something sparked behind his eyes. "Perhaps it's safer if we locked them here, the only way to be sure of their royal highness' whereabouts". Griz knew well that once Rafe or I decided something, such as crossing the entire continent, not even the skilled Delbreck army could stop any of us. Pauline was standing close to me, whispering so only Rafe and I could hear "this is what they will be doing anyway". I shot her an annoyed look and she shrugged, smiling.
"It's beautiful Rafe. Thank you" He kissed me, and took out a blanket from his saddlebag. Stretched on the soft sand, it was our own small getaway. For a blessed afternoon, we were lying next to each other, filling the other with everything we missed. My duties not being heavy on my chest for the first time in a long while I was encapsulated in this alternate reality we created. One where the two of us never parted, and never had to put our roles as a divider. One we had experienced one before, one night in Terravin. We wanted to know everything, I told him about Regan and how I fear for his health and he told me about Jeb's family that decided to invite themselves for occasional dinners with him. Our talks kept being interrupted. Sometimes, when one was in the middle of a sentence. I told him about Rhys when suddenly he leaned and kissed me. It wasn't like the kiss in the dining hall, nor was it like the kiss we shared when we got off our horses. It was pressing, as if trying to erase the time we spent apart. Making up for all the lost moments.
It must have been a while later when I opened my eyes. My head was placed under Rafe's chin and my back pressed to him. I could feel his chest heaving with every breath he took. I said a silent prayer. One that the ancestors used back then, before the world changed. There was so much power and strength in the words, I felt my own heart grow with each word I recited. A sacred prayer to the gods, and to Morrighan and Venda. A secret vow in hopes for the promise of waking up next to him the rest of my days. The light was dimmer now and the sun was starting to set. I turned to face him, his head was laid on one arm while his other was placed on my waist.
"Hey" I said.
"Hey" Rafe whispered back.
"You're still here"
"I'm here Lia. I'm not leaving you ever again".