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no we've got nothing to lose except everything we have // and I've got nothing to prove but it's just who I am
Don’t Mind Me – Walking on Cars
After the fifth in as many nights, it was clear that the dreams were becoming a problem. This time, there was no question who the subject was. It wasn’t phantom sensations and soft sheets, it was his hands and his body, and the cold, wooden desk in his dark office. Not only was Kit having sex dreams about a friend and colleague, they had developed into full-blown fantasies about being bent over his desk.
It was so crystal clear that even the cold shower couldn’t wash away the memory.
Randolph passed her one of the cups of coffee, just as he always did when their afternoon breaks lined up. She almost refused it in favor of trying to get more sleep, but decided that maybe if she was wired, the dreams tonight would be different. Maybe they would not include the man currently walking beside her, talking about sports as he opened the door to his office.
“… I mean, if they had only used the transfer window better – ah, yeah, that figures. You’re not listening.” Randolph stepped aside and she blindly walked through his door, trying desperately to tamp down the subconscious memory of this room that made her skin run hot.
Randolph slumped into the couch and put his feet on the coffee table, clearly making the most of his coffee break, but Kit was still standing in the middle of the room and staring aimlessly at the wall. She could not look at him nor at the desk, and was still not sure what he was talking about in the hallway because everything unrelated to surgical cases was out of focus whenever he was within a certain radius. The tension was beginning to really spiral out of control, so Kit entertained the two options to resolve this situation once and for all. The first was to ignore everything and hope that the dreams dissipated on their own, and the second was to address it and move on.
There were only two options, and the first had already been unsuccessful.
Without further thinking, Kit closed the door and looked back to where he was lounging on the couch. “It happened again,” she said flatly.
Randolph took a sip of coffee and searched for a clue in her eyes, but there was nothing there. He knotted his brow at the sudden privacy and asked, “What happened again?”
“The dream.”
Their exchange in the scrub room earlier this week was not far from his mind, and his eyes widened. “The one where…”
“Yes.”
“Oh. I see,” he muttered, adjusting himself on the couch to sit upright. Kit was still pacing in his office and his flippant offer was meant to be a joke, but now that the door was closed, it seemed as though she was actually considering making her dream a reality.
“I can’t keep losing sleep over this. I’ve given it some thought, and there’s only one way to get over it.” Her voice had more conviction to it than she expected it would, and it made her stand a bit taller as she continued. “I think we should sleep together.”
Randolph cleared his throat, thankful he was not actively drinking the coffee in his hand. He clenched his jaw and swallowed the nervous surprise, blinking back to her in silent disbelief. “Excuse me?” He managed.
“You heard me. If we have sex, then I’ll stop dreaming about having sex with you. My questions will be answered, the need will be quenched, and I can move on.”
He cleared his throat and tried not to laugh at how certain she sounded. The authority in her voice was a direct contrast to the suggestion itself, and he recentered himself in the conversation. “Uh huh. Okay. And what about me?”
“I… hadn’t thought about you,” she took a sip of coffee and trailed off. “You offered. And frankly, I think I might be insulted if you turned down a sexual advance with no strings attached.”
He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I haven’t declined. I just – this is a hell of a proposition to drop on someone.”
Kit took a few steps around his office, letting the silence hang so that they could both regain their bearings. He had a point; sex did require two participants. Even though this was about her inability to sleep and focus, Randolph was entitled to not want a part of it, and she could not force him to want it even if he was single.
Randolph craned his neck and considered the offer. He was interested, but if they crossed this line now there was no telling where they would end up afterward. Would it become something more, would it become another thing to chase after and screw up, would it become a recurring friends-with-benefits scenario, would they truly be able to go back to working together as though nothing happened… there were so many unanswerable questions. Randolph was desperately trying to think with his brain and not the rest of his body, but Kit was making it really difficult.
After a long rumination, he took a deep breath. “You’ve thought this through?”
“I have,” she lied.
“You think that having sex with me will help you get over the fantasies.”
“Yes.”
“Have you thought of anything else? A time, a location…”
“Um. No, not really.” Kit stepped away from the desk and closer to him. “Only that I can’t get any relief from the dream and every time I look at you I see the figment of you that my subconscious has created and not the real you, and it’s killing me. I really think that this is the only way to move forward.”
Randolph shifted against the cushions and hid his physical responses to her honesty. “And where is forward?”
“I don’t know yet! Obviously this takes two, but we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves.”
“No, sure, by all means let me just jump in the sack with my best friend without any boundaries because she’s wound up!”
The harsh sarcasm in his response allowed her to hear the proposition from his perspective, and Kit shook her head. “I knew this would be a mistake. Forget I sa–”
“Whoa, Kit, wait. Look, I’m sorry, I get that this is an issue for you… I’m just trying to make sense of it.”
“Maybe it doesn’t make sense. Everything started as a dream anyway. Maybe this can just be one night, purely physical, just to satisfy the curiosity and get it out of our systems so we can go back to being friends. Or, on the off chance it does become more, we’ll take it from there.”
He leaned his elbows on his knees and took a deep breath. This, by far, was the last thing he expected to happen when Kit closed the door of his office. He only had a few minutes left of the break and then thankfully would be able to focus on surgery for the rest of the day, but he had to respond to her soon.
Kit’s arms were still crossed when he looked back to her across the office. “If you’re trying not to lose any more sleep, then I’m assuming you want this to happen soon. Tonight.”
She nodded. “Ideally.”
“Right.” He exhaled heavily, stood up, and tried to buy himself some time before responding. Randolph returned to his desk and checked his calendar for any unforeseen events that might have been added. There were none, so he looked to the ceiling and shrugged one final time. “You’re buying the drinks.”
The agreement was still tentative, but it was more than nothing. Remarkably, Kit was only focused on moving past it and not the sex itself, but it was all out in the open now. “I can bring a bottle to your place?” She offered, trying to keep the event as private and focused as possible.
“It’s not because I’ll need to be drunk, but I will need the –”
“Courage,” she finished. “Me, too.”
Finally, they were able to resolve the conversation, and Kit agreed to be at his apartment for a few hours that night. She offered the gentlemanly cliché of buying him dinner, too, but Randolph declined. Dinner would make everything too real, and as soon as he says it she agreed and promised just to bring the drinks. She left his office with his address in his phone and with the persistent heat in her core stronger than ever.
Randolph cleaned what he could of his apartment to distract himself from what was looming later in the evening. Truthfully, he had been curious, too. There had been a few dreams over the course of the past few years, but he never thought much of them. Often he dreamed of people, and Kit was gorgeous and demanding and tall, just his type, so it was no surprise she was among the subjects. But now, she was on her way to his apartment with pretense, bringing alcohol and promising sex. He wanted to be relaxed and allow the evening to run its course, but there was a nagging thought in the back of his mind that he could not escape. Once they did this, everything could change and nothing could change, and he wasn’t sure which scared him more.
There was enough time for a quick shower before Kit was set to arrive and when the doorbell rang, she was carrying a bottle of amber liquor. He opened the door wider and let her inside, struck by how she could make a sweater and slacks look good, and took the bottle into the kitchen. Kit wandered through the unfamiliar apartment and made small talk about what was scattered about; the art, the guitar, the view of the city from the balcony, and finally joined him in the kitchen.
Randolph handed her a glass and took a long swig from his own, leaning against the counter and taking her in. Already the physical response was beginning to set in and Kit could tell. Behind the feigned confidence and self-satisfied smile he shifted on his feet and couldn’t meet her eyes.
“Are you still up for this?” She asked.
“I am,” he nodded. “Are you?”
“Yes.”
He put the glass down and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Any requests?”
Kit huffed a laugh and he shrugged defensively. This whole thing had been ridiculous from the beginning, but his responses have been endearing nonetheless. The fire in his eyes was certainly there, just below a thin layer of trepidation, and she knew just how to release it.
“Randolph…” She took a sip of liquor and paused to hold his attention. Her voice dropped to a low, husky timbre for the full effect, and she said, “I have been dreaming about having you, naked, in my bed, for a week, without any relief. I can’t focus when I’m around you because just looking at you turns me on, and I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have the real thing.” Kit met his eyes when she made her only request, also a challenge. “Do something about it.”
All the blood rushed from his head and Randolph rose to the invitation. It was only three large steps to where she was standing and he took the glass from her hand, trapping her with his body and staying just inches away. Kit raised her hands to his face and left no more room for doubt when she covered his mouth with her own, keeping him close and sweeping her tongue across his bottom lip until he sighed and returned the passion.
His hands roamed over her hips as Randolph pushed her back against the counter, applying a gentle pressure that intensified with the roughness of her kiss. When her arms wrapped around his neck, Randolph seized the opportunity to surprise her and lifted her onto the counter in a single motion. The gasp that escaped broke the contact and Randolph smirked, pleased that the show of strength was well-received, until Kit pressed her body against the length of his torso and wiped the smirk off his face.
Randolph kissed her neck and Kit tilted her head back on a sigh. “As fun as this is…” she breathed.
“Alright, alright, I get it,” he muttered, helping her back down from the counter. “Bedroom is down the hall.”
The sweater and slacks fell easily to the floor, and it happened so fast that by the time Randolph looked back up, he was momentarily frozen. His hands were still undoing the third button of his shirt when all of the sudden Kit stood before him in nothing but matching black satin, so much skin on display and looking right at him. He stared at the length of her legs when she walked towards him and began to undo the rest of the buttons on his shirt, finally opening it to reveal the image from her dreams. When she pushed it off his shoulders she could feel the intentional flex of his muscles and fought the sigh that would give her arousal away.
“Just like you dreamed it?” he winked, and Kit finally looked back to where the smile was playing out on his face. Her hands roamed over the breadth of his chest and she returned a sly smile of her own.
“Almost.” She raised her eyebrow and unbuttoned his jeans, pushing them over his hips without losing eye contact. Her hand dipped below the waistband of his boxers and nimble fingers slowly followed the length of him, ensuring that he knew she was mentally calculating dimensions as she moved. “This is more like it.”
Randolph groaned, now definitely done keeping his hands to himself. He spread his palms across her back and removed the bra in a single motion before pressing her into the bed below him. When he looked up, Kit’s eyes were closed, and he knew that he had a golden opportunity to lead and respond to her demand to do something about it.
His right hand pushed the lace at her hips aside and Kit gasped once he made contact where she was most sensitive. He drew small circles over her clit and drew out a ragged moan, so Randolph maintained the contact, the slow tease enough to keep her hips moving and pushing for more without verbally begging.
Finally, he removed the damp fabric and opened her legs, positioning himself between them and kissing the inside of her thigh. Every nerve in her body screamed for release and Kit knew that his stupid mouth was likely very good at what he was about to do, but she didn’t want only his mouth. There was too much pressure built up inside that only one thing would be truly satisfying to relieve it.
Kit pushed his head away and pulled him up by the shoulders. “Not now… not this. I want – I need you.”
He kissed her to suppress the moan in his chest and granted the request. The boxers joined the rest of the clothing on the floor and Randolph guided himself between her legs. Her head fell back on a sigh when he slid deeper and the sight of her giving up control like this was one he committed to memory. If he only had a limited window of time, only one night to have her this way, he would do the most he could to maintain the state of blissful tension. Randolph moved slowly above her, setting a pace that brought out all sorts of needy noises from her.
“God, Randolph, can’t you do better than this?” She whined. Her eyes were still closed but the frustrated arousal in her question was unmistakable, especially when combined with the way she rocked her hips against his.
He grinned and repositioned her legs to so that he could maximize the angles. Randolph nipped at her jaw and whispered, “I thought you’d never ask.”
The new position allowed him to move faster, and Randolph used his left hand to keep steady pressure on her clit as his hips thrust deeper. Kit’s arms wrapped around his back and her eyes closed again, and when she did not respond to his arrogant teasing, he knew he had her exactly where he wanted her. Her nails scraped his shoulders, and her breathing became shallow, a few weak pleas falling from her lips.
“Oh… yes,” Kit breathed, “yes, right there.”
His left hand began to move in tandem with his hips and the pleas became indecipherable, caught between moans as Kit fought the release. It was useless, the combination of controlled pressure and tension and the way Randolph was breathing heavily above her were more than her subconscious could have ever imagined. She dug her nails deep into his shoulders and arched her back, his name caught in her throat when everything went tight.
Kit clenched around him and his movement continued, making it harder to breathe as the pleasure reached a maximum. Randolph only stilled when her back returned to the mattress, the steady pressure from his palm maintaining the high. He could feel everything, every twitch of her stomach and ragged breath as the aftershocks continued, warm and wet and tight around him, his eyes wide open as he watched her come undone beneath him.
Several seconds later her breathing began to return and her eyes only opened once he withdrew from being inside her. Randolph rested on his elbow next to her, his left hand still spread over her stomach and teasing the sensitive area between her legs, bringing a few lingering twitches of pleasure when his fingertips made contact.
“So… dream come true?” He asked quietly.
Kit rolled her eyes and the back of her hand collided with his chest. “Shut up,” she smiled, still trying to catch her breath. “You know it was.”
“I didn’t, actually, but I do now.” Randolph leaned over to kiss the grin away, long and slow and intentional, just like he had in the kitchen. As much as he wanted to keep showing how much it meant to him that she was naked and sated in his bed, he was still unsure of their status. He brought his arm around his head and settled on his back, staring at the ceiling when he asked, “Feel better?”
“Bloody fantastic,” Kit laughed, resting her arm over his chest. “More than a few questions answered.”
“Good. Glad I could help.”
Despite having satisfied the need that had built up, there was still a tension in her chest when she leaned over him. Randolph was breathing heavily, joking, and smiling, and even though this was one time with no strings, Kit was reminded that there was a reason he was her closest friend. They drove each other crazy and there were years of evolution to their relationship, and even when she asked him for a bizarre request like a night in his bed, he was there for her and laughing with her.
A silence fell over the bedroom, but Kit was still resting on his shoulder, and it made him bold. “Do you want to finish that drink?” He asked, his hand coming to rest over her back. “Maybe stay a while?”
“We said one time.”
“We said one night,” he corrected. “I don’t know what exactly you’ve dreamed about, but there are a few things I can do that I'm sure will answer questions you never knew you had.”
Kit pushed her thighs together to ward off the response to his tone and his offer. The promise of even more pleasure and his hand over her shoulder were pulling her to stay, but it was the way that she could feel the vibration of his hum that made the decision near impossible. Kit knew she should leave, and she wanted to, but there was at least one thing that needed to be done before she did.
The decision could wait until after he was taken care of.
She leaned onto her elbow and Randolph was still asking the silent question with his smile. It was cocky and smug and annoyingly attractive, having already demonstrated his ability to satisfy, but Kit knew exactly how to win back the poker chips and throw him off his game. His breath hitched as she slid down the bed and watched the muscles contract with her slow descent over his stomach.
Kit looked up to him and teased him on purpose. “You know, I never asked…” she whispered, finally taking him in her hand. He was still hard and covered with a slick reminder of her, and Randolph shifted against the mattress as she started to move slowly. “Have you ever dreamed about me?”
It was obvious that Kit was using the tortuous contact to draw out the uninhibited truth, but Randolph could not fight the groan that escaped with the admission. “Yes,” he rasped.
“Interesting…” She smiled, stroking him a few more times until his eyes closed.
When she took him in her mouth, everything went white and he put his hands over his head. Kit moved gradually at first, an echo of his earlier teasing, agonizing until her tongue curled around him, then it became insane.
Kit released him and knew he was dangerously near the edge, so she used her hand to finish what she started. His breathing had gotten shorter and the moans louder, and it only took a few long, controlled strokes and her lips on his thigh to draw out a low, rough groan and bring him apart. His hands were still clasped above his head and suddenly Kit wanted to be closer, to taste the rest of the strangled moans for herself, and kept her fingers light against him as she did just that.
His hands bracketed her face when she finally did kiss him, and Randolph lost himself in the feeling of her hair on his knuckles until the rest of the sensations returned. He was already out of breath and now Kit was kissing him breathless, and he tried desperately to suppress the sounds as the last of the climax started to fade. Finally, she pulled back, only as much as she could with his hands still tangled in her hair, and pressed one final kiss to his lips.
“Have you really fantasized about me, or were you just saying that because my hand was around your stiff cock?”
Randolph’s eyes closed with a groan and he twisted beneath her. “Fuck, Kit, you can’t say things like that.”
The response was so physical and genuine, and she grinned. As fun as it was to make him squirm, she allowed him to catch his breath and returned to rest against the pillow. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Randolph sighed and turned on to his side to face her. At this point in the evening they were on level terms and everything was fair game, so he was honest. “A few times, here and there. But I always… resolved the tension.”
She did him the honor of not reacting to how he had not only dreamt about it but consciously masturbated while picturing her, and sat up taller in the bed. The night was still young and Randolph was relaxed and loose on his back, which made her want to stay even more. Rather than fight the decision, she gave in to the warmth of his eyes and picked up his shirt from the floor.
“I think I will finish that drink,” Kit whispered. “Shall I bring you a glass?”
He was barely listening, the sight of her standing in his bedroom wearing only his shirt, her hair astray and chest still lightly pink still holding his full attention, so he nodded silently. They would talk about this eventually, but as long as she was still in his apartment tonight, Randolph focused on the dimension of their lives in which they are both the subjects of the other’s fantasies and keep them there as long as he could.
Starting with a few tumblers of whiskey and his shirt back on the floor.