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A lighten up theatre at 6:30 am in a dark empty school could be a strange phenomenon to most people but Luke has seen it so many times he knows nothing weird is happening in there.
He stands behind the crystal doors and squeezes his lids shut when the intense lights coming from the facility hit his face. For Christ’s sake, 30 minutes ago he was sleeping, his eyes are still not ready for such luminosity.
Luke pushes the doors open and gets in. The gentle sound of piano keys being played guides his eyes to the exact spot where it’s what he knew he’d find in there.
Ashton is sitting behind the piano, papers of what surely is sheet music strewn on top of it, a cup of coffee that Luke is certain is empty on one of the papers. Once again, Ashton and the melody are merged into one single entity, so noticing Luke’s presence isn’t something he’ll do until he finishes playing the piece or Luke makes himself perceptible.
So the piano is the location for today. This month the workspace hasn’t been the same a single time. It’s been the stage, or a table with papers and pencils on, or a chair in a dark corner with a guitar on his legs, or behind the drum kit…
The melody ends when Luke is halfway to where the piano is. Ashton takes his eyes off the keyboard and focuses them on Luke. Luke smiles as soon as he feels Ashton’s gaze over him.
When he’s right next to the piano he leaves his guitar case on the floor, grabs the cup of coffee and confirms that it’s empty. “I’ll refill this,” are Luke’s first words to Ashton.
“Thank you.”
Right now, what gets most of Luke’s attention are the dark bags below Ashton’s eyes. His whole face is screaming ‘I’m exhausted’.
Luke isn’t going to ask him what time he got to school. Luke’s come to the same scene enough times to know Ashton didn’t leave in the first place.
Without saying any other word, Luke goes to the coffee machine and comes back with half a cup of black coffee. Ashton is still sitting behind the piano but he isn’t playing, he’s reading one of the papers.
“You know you could’ve asked me to help you, right?” Luke says as he hands him the coffee cup. “I don’t teach any senior year class this semester but that doesn’t mean I can’t collaborate with this year’s winter musical.” Ashton opens his mouth but Luke won’t give him a chance to object so he continues, “I could transcribe music while you play, or you could indicate me what to play while you take notes, or if you want to try a certain sound on piano and guitar simultaneously we could play it together, or I could just hand you anything you need, bring you coffee, or even shake you awake.” Luke lets out a short laugh. “Really Ash, I would’ve helped you in any possible way needed. You might’ve ended sooner and could’ve gone home to sleep.”
“Oh, c’mon!” Ashton waves his hand down. “Staying past your working hours is not fun. Besides, it’s not your job to deal with the musical. You already have to handle the freshmen, we all know how draining that is. This,” Ashton points to the papers on the piano, “is not your job.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ve been having a blast staying past your working hours at least twice a week this past month. Oh, and staying here at school after your classes to help me organise my lessons must’ve been super fun for you. If I recall right, that wasn’t your job, was it?”
It wasn’t Ashton’s job.
When Luke was accepted into the vacant music teacher position at Pacific High last year he was told he’d be three months on trail before being given a permanent position. It seemed fair. Luke had recently gotten his music degree, he had no working experience and Pacific High had a reputation of having excellent teachers. They were taking a risky shot with him. Someone would be evaluating his work during the following weeks to help the school board decide if he should have that permanent position.
That would be Ashton’s job.
That was how Luke was introduced to him. Luke soon found out Ashton was only two years older than him and just as he was aspiring to do, Ashton had started working there right after graduating. It turns out that, in his very first semester at the school, Ashton had turned the winter musical from the boring school play that, according to teachers and students, had been being for years, into a Broadway production. Such success earned him the respect, admiration and love of students, teachers and the rest of the school’s staff.
Ashton informed Luke about the school expectations towards him and told him he’d have the freedom to structure lessons the way he considered most productive and to use the teaching methods he’d reckon appropriate as long as the students reached the course’s goals by the end of the semester.
Ashton visited one of Luke’s lessons in his second week at the school. Luke knew that sooner or later his performance in the classroom would be evaluated. That was the day Luke confirmed he was born to be a teacher. Despite knowing he was being observed, his work being scanned, there wasn’t any space in his body for any trace of tension. Luke’s stored information in his brain over the years, he possesses some knowledge about certain subjects, he masters a few abilities. The idea of keeping all that to himself is, to some extent, distressing. He needs to share it with people. That was exactly what he was doing in that classroom and he was having a blast.
When the class was over Ashton asked Luke to show him the lessons’ chronogram for the next two weeks and to tell him if any review was included in said chronogram. That was the moment when Luke felt evaluated.
His planning skills sucked by that time. There’s a certain logical order in which things should be taught, but sometimes it’s convenient to teach a certain theme depending on how well the students absorb the content, sometimes it’s worth it to go back to other themes, the duration of the subjects and the frequency of the reviews depend on the students’ needs, and those needs might change within hours. He had no teaching experience back then, he didn’t see himself capable of predicting the progress of the lessons, two weeks in the future seemed like a very long time to have planned ahead.
He spread out over his table an array of papers that composed his vague attempt of a lessons’ chronogram. He tried to put them in order but, for some reason, he couldn’t find the page that had the information about what he’d planned for the next lesson, the one with a big number ‘one’ written on a corner with red ink. He realised his hands were shaking over the pile of papers and, even when the arrival of fall had brought fresh temperatures, a few drops of sweat fell over the table.
“Hey, man,” hearing Ashton’s voice was the last thing Luke was expecting. “Don’t worry if some papers are missing or if you haven’t prepared many classes ahead of you. Having a chronogram written down on a piece of paper isn’t something you have to do. Or even if you want to, I don’t have to see it. I asked you to show it to me because I know how messy that kind of stuff can be for a newbie teacher and I thought you could use some orientation.”
“Really?” Luke sighed. “That’s a relief if I’m being honest. I’m not the best at planning, although I admit a little bit of structure could do no wrong to my life.”
“Do you need help with that?”
“Mapping lessons out and stuff?”
“Yeah, that. Mapping anything out, actually.”
“Oh my goodness, yes,” Luke had said in a tone that might’ve made him sound a little bit more desperate than he was.
“Of course. Today I finish my last class at 3:00 pm, we can meet then and I’ll help you with that.”
So they did.
Luke was expecting Ashton would kick things off by recommending him some time-managing apps and virtual calendars or showing his own class schedule. But the first thing he did was to tell Luke “you’re doing it pretty well.” At first, Luke didn’t know exactly what Ashton was talking about but then he continued, “staying past your working hours to learn how to improve your planning skills because that might be beneficial to your job is a sign that you care about what you do. You’re good at it. You answered all of the students’ questions patiently and not because you wanted to move on and keep going with the class. Oh, and your face when they played that melody by the end of the lesson! You looked so proud, you enjoy teaching. Plus, you seemed so confident, in control of the class.”
“Thank you. For all that. It means a lot.” That was the moment when Luke truly felt capable of getting that permanent position.
“You should’ve seen my first lessons.” Ashton huffed out a brief laugh. “It seemed like I’d forgotten to talk. Since when 15 year-olds kids are intimidating as hell? For fuck’s sake, I was just ten years older than them, I could be their big brother.”
While Ashton talked, Luke didn’t feel like he was listening to the person who was in charge of evaluating his work. It was like they were two friends who’d reached a level of intimacy high enough to tell each other secrets. He appreciated the fact that Ashton felt comfortable enough to show some vulnerability. It was then when Luke knew he could trust Ashton, when Luke felt safe to be just as vulnerable in front of him.
Right now Ashton is trying not to look vulnerable, as if at this point he could fool Luke.
“No, it wasn’t my job to stay past my work time and help you,” Ashton reluctantly concedes.
“So, please, next time, tell me if you need me. It won’t be a burden.”
It'll be a delight. Luke would spend the whole night up just to see Ashton assembling notes and turning them into heartfelt and impactful melodies, taking misplaced sounds and putting them in the right part of the song, or just playing any random piece. He’d be happy being instructed what to play on guitar or piano just so Ashton could appreciate and evaluate his own creations as an external observer. Luke would gladly take trips to the coffee machine so Ashton could have his cup filled up without interrupting what he was doing.
Luke would eagerly do it because as long as he’s around Ashton there’s no chance he won’t be learning. Ashton knows about everything. Luke has always felt drawn to people who gather big amounts of knowledge. That’s his instinct to constantly make himself better.
And Ashton not only happens to know about everything, he’s also always happy to share that knowledge, to work patiently to make emerge the best in everybody. His desire to teach can only be compared to his desire to be taught. That’s probably why he knows about everything.
The night Luke was celebrating he’d gotten the permanent position as music teacher he had one of those moments of deep reflection where one appreciates all the good things in life. He’d just been given a permanent position at a job he loved, he’d made incredible new friends that were celebrating with him right there, and he felt like a real adult, like he’d grown so much in just three months.
Sitting on a table, as his eyes went to Ashton who was at the bar grabbing drinks for everyone, it hit Luke how much of that he owed to Ashton.
Ashton had met Luke’s gaze and had smiled at him. That moment something hit Luke even harder: the realisation that Ashton had a beautiful smile. It stretched the muscles in Ashton’s face in a way that drew irregular lines on his skin and made dimples appear on his cheeks. The desire of stroking his thumb over Ashton’s cheek and confirm his suspicions that those dimples got deeper than his own invaded Luke’s body. That smile looked so genuine, so true. It carried a powerful energy with it, a force that compelled those who saw it to smile as well. At least Luke hoped that was the reason why he was smiling like dumb for no reason.
It had started with a smile and escalated from there. To the point that Luke is right now wondering how is it possible that, despite having spent all night up, Ashton’s cheeks look fresh as if he’d just gotten a warm bath, the tonality of the skin a pastel shade of red as if the heat of the water had made the little blood vessels boil.
Luke can’t help to think that his hand would perfectly cover Ashton’s chubby face. If he placed his palms on its sides would Ashton relax under his touch? Would Ashton close his eyes and allow himself to look tired, to be tired? Would he let Luke be his comfort?
Luke replaces those questions in his brain with one that he does dare to ask.
“What is what you’re doing exactly?”
Ashton sighs, the air that comes out falls heavy on the floor. “You know about the art scholarship the local university will grant to one of our seniors, right?” Luke nods. “Well, they’re sending a scout to the winter musical to see the seniors in action in order to have more elements to decide to whom grant the scholarship.”
“It makes sense.”
“The thing is that the moment those scouts confirmed they were coming Mrs. Andrews had the idea of doing four original songs this year instead of two. As the principal, she wants the best for our school and our students, and a school musical with four original songs might attract the attention of other scouts from other universities which means more scholarships for the kids. Two of the songs are being written by that particularly enthusiastic group of students from my second-period class. They got very excited when they heard they’d get to write two songs instead of one. I already had written one of the other two songs and I’m writing-, well.” Ashton takes his gaze down to the papers on the piano. “I wrote the other one tonight.”
“You could’ve worked on the song for a couple of hours, go home to sleep and finish it today.”
“Not if I wanna have the arrangements of the non-original songs by Friday. Not if I wanna start with auditions tomorrow. Not if I wanna take a look at the songs the students are composing and help them if they need it. I gotta have all that done by the end of the week if I pretend to spend this weekend with Lauren and Harry, my mom says she misses having her three kids at home. I’ll have to start working on the rehearsals next week so if don’t visit them this weekend I won’t be able to do it until the holiday season.”
Having that succession of tasks being enumerated in front of Luke has him feeling a little bit dizzy. He doesn’t want to imagine how tormenting it’s to keep track of that many responsibilities. How does Ashton do it and stay sane? How isn’t it taking its toll on him? Maybe it is. Suddenly, Luke feels the need to ask Ashton if he wants to sit and rest his head on Luke’s shoulder. Even if it’s for just 5 minutes, Luke would make those 5 minutes the most soothing Ashton’s ever had. Luke would stroke the sides of Ashton’s head, right there where Ashton always presses his fingers when he’s thinking too hard about something. Luke would tell him he’s doing amazing, that he’s so strong and wonderful, words that maybe haven’t been said to him often enough.
“But, Ash, you can’t do everything yourself. I get that you want to keep an eye on the composition, but the arrangements…” Luke snorts, “c’mon Ash!”
“I know, I know. Look, I did tell Mrs. Andrews that composition would be a lot by itself, that I’d be too busy to do the arrangements. But she said my arrangements are amazing, that this is probably the most important musical we’ve ever done because the scout is coming. The goal is for them to love the musical, to see how good of a job the school’s staff does so they decide to grant more scholarships in the upcoming years. That would be amazing news for the students. Mrs. Andrews said having me in charge and doing all that stuff is practically a guarantee that the musical would be a success. I’ll have to spend extra time and energy on that but it’ll be worth it. I couldn’t say no.”
The only thing that keeping this argument on is going to do is to waste more of Luke’s energy and, most important, Ashton’s. Luke gives up. His sigh is a white flag he’s sure Ashton notices.
“There is something you can help me with,” Ashton says. “Cal left his stopwatch at home last night when he came over. You’ve heard him saying it feels like his powers as PE teacher have been taken from him when he doesn’t have it.” Ashton and Luke both roll their eyes and chuckle at the mention of their friend’s peculiar way of thinking. “He’s got a class on the first period but he also mentioned he wanted to do his workout routine first thing in the morning. You know how strict he is about that stuff. So I told him I’d give the stopwatch to him so he won’t have to stop his exercises and still have it on time for his class. Could you do that for me so I don’t have to go all the way to the track and then come back here to pick up my stuff? Cal must be there already.”
That’s the only thing Ashton needs? Handing a stopwatch? There’s no point in remarking that, so that’s why the only thing Luke does is asking “where’s the stopwatch?”
…
As soon as Luke gets to the track he sees Calum a few metres away from where he’s standing. Of course, Crystal is there too. They’re both in their sportswear, running next to each other. Well, ‘running next to each other’ might not be an accurate way to put it. What they’re actually doing is nudging each other’s forearms, not too hard to make the other fall but hard enough to lose balance.
Luke rolls his eyes at a scene he’s seen so many times. Is this something PE teachers do? Be so competitive with each other?
Luke bets Crystal was also doing her workout and she and Calum met on the track and ended up turning their routines into a ‘who gives more laps to the track in a certain amount of time’ type of thing.
Luke waves at them and holds out the hand where the stopwatch is. They wave back at him, cross the finish line and start to slow down until they’re both walking towards Luke.
When they walk nearby a hurdle, Calum speeds up a little bit and jumps over it.
They’re still a few metres away but the quietness and emptiness of the stadium allow Luke to hear Crystal say: “Don’t hurt yourself! The nurse isn’t here yet.”
“Oh, so that’s why you’re hooking up with him,” Calum replies. “So you can have him close all the time in case you hurt yourself trying to run faster than me, jump higher than me, swimmin-”
“Hey!” Crystal cuts him off with an indignated tone of voice. “First of all, having him close all the time?” she snorts. “You’re the one who lives with him. Second, who says I don’t run faster than you, jump higher than you, and whatever it’s you were gonna say about swimming better than you? And third, my intentions with Michael are nothing but pure-hearted. He’s way more than a hookup.” The mocking tone that had accompanied her words is gone. “Aren’t you supposed to know that? Don’t you guys like, tell each other everything?”
“I know, I know. I wouldn’t allow my best friend to give his heart to anyone.” He nudges Crystal forearm but now it’s not like when they were running, this time it carries friendly energy.
“Good morning,” Crystal and Calum say almost in unison.
“Hi, guys.” Luke shows Calum the stopwatch. “I believe this is yours.”
“Yes!” Calum sighs. “The natural order of things has been restored. I’m not naked anymore.” Calum says after having hung the gadget on his neck. Crystal rolls her eyes. “Why didn’t Ash bring it to me himself?”
“He’s at the theatre finishing organising his stuff before the first period starts.”
“He spent the night there, didn’t he?” Luke nods. “He should’ve told me. I wouldn’t have asked him to bring me the stopwatch here. And I bet he hasn’t had breakfast yet. I’ll go grab it for him.”
“Don’t worry, Cal. We still got over 30 minutes ‘till first period, I’ll grab breakfast for him. You go take a shower. You need it. Both of you,” Luke says while his eyes go over his friends’ sweaty clothes.
“Hey,” Calum objects. “I don’t look that disgusting after working out.”
“Every human being does, Cal,” Crystal says, a little bit of exasperation in her voice.
“Well, I don’t.”
“Ask Ash’s opinion when you see him at lunch today,” Luke chimes in. “It’ll be fun to hear him say the phrase ‘Cal you look disgusting after working out’ in a million different ways.”
Luke and Crystal laugh.
“In a million different ways,” Calum utters in a purposefully horrible impression of Luke’s voice. “That sounds amusing but Ash won’t be having lunch with us today.”
“He’s not?” Luke asks.
“He told me last night he’ll cover KayKay’s last class of the day because she wants to visit her mom at the hospital. That class is during most of our lunchtime so he won’t be able to be there with us.”
“Yeah, but after our lunchtime he’s got a class,” Luke notes.
“He knows that, Luke,” Calum replies sounding defeated as if he’d reminded Ashton exactly that last night.
So, Ashton spent the whole night working, he’ll start with his classes in a few minutes without having had any rest, and he’ll skip lunch to help a friend knowing he won’t have time to eat until at least 4:00 pm. He’s the most selfless person Luke knows. Luke should be proud of his friend. Why is he mad then?
…
Luke’s lying on the couch. Finally, after a long day of work he can stretch his legs and relax them. Well, he could relax them if it wasn’t because his gigantic princess is resting on his thighs. Apparently, Petunia finds it more comfortable to have her head on Luke’s bony knees than being on her very fluffy bed. Luke could take her off but he likes to have her on him as much as she likes to be on him.
“Spoiled princess,” he whispers to himself and scratches the sides of her head. He swears it’s a snore what he hears coming out of that pretty snout of her that’s too big for a dog her size. Her eyelids look heavy and start to fall narrowing her eyes. It seems like, once again, she’s ready to fall asleep on Luke and later, when he wants to stand up, he’ll have to carry her to her bed because he doesn’t have the heart to wake her up and make her walk.
But, suddenly, Petunia lifts her head off of Luke’s knees and looks to the door. She stands on the couch and Luke takes her and puts her on the floor. “Go say hi,” he tells her and pats her back. She runs to the door and sits in front of it.
When Sierra comes in she’s greeted by Petunia’s ‘hello’ barks.
“Hi, beautiful,” She says after leaving on the coffee table a cardboard box she was carrying. She leans down, puts Petunia’s head in between her hands and kisses her forehead. Then, she drops her bag next to Luke on the couch, sits on the floor with her legs crossed and Petunia jumps to her lap.
Sometimes Luke wonders if he should be jealous. Jealous of Petunia or jealous of Sierra? Because his dog and one of his best friends seem to love each other more than they love him. But Luke is happily ok with that.
In fact, Sierra lives with Luke because Petunia loves her. Well, that and because Luke needed a roommate after his brother Jack moved out to live with his girlfriend.
Sierra is the school’s psychologist, her job is not only to give counselling to students but to teachers as well and she was introduced to Luke on his very first day at Pacific High.
She offered to have lunch with him which sounded fantastic because he didn’t know anyone there yet. While eating, she told him that beginnings at a new job could be very stressful, especially if it’s the first big job after college. She remarked that he didn’t hesitate to go to talk to her whenever he needed it. She’d sounded like she truly cared and not like she was just doing her job. Luke had gone to her on a couple of occasions when things were a little too overwhelming. He’d gone seeking to talk to a psychologist, he’d ended up talking to a friend.
That’s why after Jack moved out when Luke heard Sierra saying she was looking for a place closer to school he offered her to move in with him.
He took her to see the place and to meet Petunia. After a couple of sniffs to her pants, and after Sierra scratched her ears and called her ‘princess’ like a hundred times Petunia followed her everywhere. She’d decided she wanted to keep Sierra. Sierra would’ve never moved in if Petunia hadn’t given the go-ahead. The final word in that apartment it’s always said by Petunia.
“Hi, Si. Got caught up at school?”
“Hi, love.” She kisses Luke forehead. “No, no, I didn’t. I went to Roy’s right after school. He showed me how to prepare those pancakes he brags about all the time.” She grabs the box she left on the coffee table and puts it on Luke’s lap. “Taste one. I swear, Luke, they’re ridiculously good.”
Luke sits up and opens the box. A fantastic aroma hits him instantly. He grabs one and takes a bite. “Oh, fuck,” he says while still chewing.
“I know, right? Everyone will celebrate new year’s eve here this time. We’ll prepare those pancakes for the party.” Luke gives her a thumb up.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” Sierra announces. “I’ve got like three layers of dust on me. We’re so gonna beat Calum’s and Michael’s pancakes from last year’s party,” Luke hears her say before she closes the bathroom door.
Last year’s party.
For the following minutes, Luke’s eyes stay still on the pancake, his hand with no intention of moving it to his mouth. Every part of his body is motionless except for his mind. His mind is travelling at full speed about ten months back, exactly to December 31st, 2019, almost midnight, Michael’s and Calum’s place.
Just like now, Luke was holding a pancake. He was having a very nice time. The only place in which he’d eaten that many delicious dishes before was at his grandma’s house, the decoration was beautiful, the music that was playing was great, he’d even brought his guitar and sang a couple of songs, and he’d been having the most pleasant of conversations with fantastic people that had made him feel like he’d been part of that group of friends for years. Everything was perfect.
Except that it wasn’t.
Ashton wasn’t there. Technically, he was there, but he wasn’t at the party. He was sleeping in Calum’s bedroom.
Ashton had spent the whole day working at a charity kitchen. He’d waken up at 5:00 am to be there on time to receive the food shipment and have everything ready to start with the preparation of the meals. He then proceeded to serve tables when people started coming and remained there until 7:00 pm.
“Some of the other volunteers insisted on me going home earlier,” Ashton had explained once he’d arrived at the party. “They said they were expecting more volunteers to keep coming, that they got everything covered. But I couldn’t leave that early. Most of the people that go to that kind of place this time of the year are looking for company more than the food itself. So I kept serving tables while listening to anyone who wanted to share their stories.”
So, Ashton had spent about 12 hours working. It made sense that his lids were falling over his eyes by 10:00 pm. Calum had offered Ashton to go lie down on his bed for a while. Ashton had accepted and promised to be up on time to receive the new year with everyone.
But the countdown had started and Ashton was nowhere to be seen.
In 30 seconds that were left of the last minute of the year Luke glanced at the door of Calum’s bedroom like 5 times. Right now it seems naive to think Ashton would come out of there before everyone screamed ‘happy new year’, but at that moment there was a part of Luke that truly believed it would happen.
It didn’t.
After having received so many heartfelt hugs from all the people that cared about him Luke felt like the most ungrateful human on the planet for not being completely happy. But he longed for a hug from that particular person. He craved the comfort of those arms around his back and the softness of that chest against his torse. He ached to put his hand on that head and tangle his fingers in those messy curls. But Ashton’s need for sleep had been stronger than Luke’s need for him.
All those good wishes for the upcoming year, all those eulogiums about the wonderful person Ashton was never had a sound of their own, they remained as unsaid words in Luke’s brain.
That midnight kiss those two glasses of punch had made Luke think he’d be brave enough to ask for stays now as the question of what could’ve been.
Was Luke being selfish for wanting Ashton by his side during that special moment of the night?
Is he crazy for thinking none of that was fair to Ashton? Luke remembers hearing Ashton say how bad he needed the hours of leisure, how much he was looking forward to spending the night dancing and chatting.
But he didn’t do any of that during the minutes he spent at the party. His words were short and the bare minimum to keep a conversation alive. Ashton was so far away from the communicative person he is. And he remained sitting on a chair with no energy to at least tap a foot at the beat of the music.
At the end of the day it was Ashton’s decision to volunteer at the charity kitchen. Just like it was his decision to spend all those nights at school working, and to cover KayKay’s class, and all the other times he sacrificed his time, his hours of rest, his well-being to help others.
Luke has an altruist friend. He should be proud. Why is he a little bit angry? Why is he worried?
…
It’s Saturday, 10 something pm and Luke is trying to put his room in order. Yes, on a Saturday night. This is one of those weekends when everybody is busy dealing with their businesses or are too tired to go out.
Staying at home is not a bad plan. Luke was thinking of catching up with the last season of The Bachelorette with Sierra but she’d decided to spend the night at her boyfriend’s. And there’s no way Luke’s watching The Bachelorette without Sierra.
So, as Luke was scrolling through Pinterest checking out ideas to redecorate the living room he came across with the pic of a room that looked very neat. He’d lifted his eyes off the screen and made them go around his bedroom. It wasn’t a disaster but it wasn’t… well, neat. So he moved his ass off the bed and went straight to fold the clothes that had been thrown on a chair yesterday.
One thing led to the other and Luke’s now tidying up the mess that was his drawers. He already organised everything in the bottom one, the one where he keeps his rings, chains and all those tiny ornaments he likes to wear on special occasions. The rest of the drawers shouldn’t be that messy.
Luke opens the second one from top to bottom. That’s where he keeps that quilt he brought from his parents’ house when he moved in. It’s been in that drawer for over a year. Winter is just around the corner, he could use a quilt to sleep. It must have dust on from all of the time it’s been stored. He’ll wash it tomorrow, so he grabs it to throw it into the laundry basket but he sees something when he lifts it off the drawer.
“My drumsticks,” he exclaims to himself. Luke didn’t even remember he’d taken them with him when he moved in.
He grabs them and can’t resist the urge to tap them on the nightstand. He laughs at the random sound he’s just made.
Having drum lessons in college was so fun. But even more fun would Ashton have seeing what Luke can do behind a drumkit. He’d laugh his ass out for sure.
Now that he thinks about it, Luke realises he’s never told Ashton he learnt, or tried to learn the rudiments of drumming. He wants to call Ashton and tell him immediately. But Ashton must be with his siblings right now and Luke won’t interrupt whatever they must be doing. Ashton doesn’t spend enough time with his family as it is, Luke won’t get in the middle when he does.
Luke is going to take the drumsticks to school this Monday and he’ll show them to Ashton. He might even be bold enough to play a couple of beats on the drumkit that’s in the theatre.
He grabs the bag he usually takes to school to put them in just in case he forgets them on Monday. When he’s about to unzip it his phone rings.
Luke can’t believe who’s calling. If he wasn’t the sceptical man he is, he’d say he was thinking very hard about Ashton, so hard that Ashton felt it and called him. Video called him to be precise.
“Hey, Ash, what’s up?” Luke says after picking up.
“Nothing special. Just felt like chatting to you a little bit before going to sleep. It’s what we usually do when we don’t hang out on weekends, calling each other, right?”
“Yeah, but I figured you’d be hanging out with your siblings or your mom and I didn’t wanna interrupt.”
“Oh, everyone’s in bed. We’re going on a hike tomorrow morning and we have to be up at 6:00 am so we thought it was a good idea to go to sleep early.”
So that’s why Ashton’s already in bed, covers up to his chin, hands barely peaking out to hold the phone.
It’s not a very flattering angle the one from which the phone is pointed at Ashton’s face. Luke can see the insides of Ashton’s nose, and Ashton’s chin takes almost half of the screen’s space. It really isn’t a flattering angle, but it’s what Luke would see if he and Ashton were lying on the same bed together and he’d have his chin resting on Ashton’s chest, so he kind of likes it.
“How’s being back in your old room after three months without spending the night there.”
“Like if I slept here yesterday.” Ashton lets out a melodic sigh. “I swear to you, the bed remembers my shape!” Luke snorts. “It does!” Ashton protests. “I threw myself to it and my body dug into the mattress the perfect deepness.”
Luke laughs at such an exaggerated statement.
Ashton laughs as well and with the hand that’s not holding the phone he pulls the covers up to his nose.
“It’s nice talking to half your face,” Luke notes sarcastically.
“Oh, sorry,” Ashton says after a giggle and then pushes the cover just a couple of centimetres down to make his mouth visible but it still covers his chin. “It’s the only downside of this room, being a bit colder than where I live right now. But also, isn’t it like November? Why is it so cold already?”
Luke snorts out a laugh and rolls his eyes. “You’ve always been so chilly,” he teases.
“You’re so right, I am. I’ll warm up soon, these covers are pretty nice, but nothing can compare to the heat of the human body. If I slide to the side there’s more than enough space to fit someone next to me. Is 11:00 pm too late of an hour to ask you to take the two-hour drive there’s from your apartment to here and come to spend the night snuggled with me?”
Luke knows Ashton is joking but he has to resist the urge to blurt out ‘of course it’s not late’ as an answer.
Despite Ashton saying that if he slid to the side there would be enough space for someone else, Luke knows Ashton’s bed is not big enough to comfortably fit two men their sizes. He doesn’t care, in fact, it makes it even harder to resist the urge to jump out of bed, grab the car keys and speed up to Ashton’s childhood home.
They’d have to find a way to squeeze themselves together. Luke could spoon Ashton, bring Ashton’s back close to his chest, let Ashton’s head rest under his chin; getting to feel Ashton’s soft curls on his skin would be a bonus. Or Luke could lie with his belly on the bed, put his head on Ashton’s chest and maybe slide his fingertips over Ashton’s shoulder, drawing invisible scribbles until Ashton fell asleep, warm and tight against him.
Would Luke be able to fall asleep as well? Or the temptation of hearing Ashton’s soothing breathing and feeling Ashton’s heartbeat pounding close to his cheek would be stronger than the tiredness of the day? Would his desire of staying conscious and checking that Ashton is relaxed, resting, not carrying the weight of everybody’s responsibilities on his shoulders for at least a few hours let Luke put his eyelids together?
“Haven’t you said you’re not the snuggling kind of guy?” Luke says before Ashton realises how deep in his fantasies Luke had submerged.
“I can be with the right person.”
Luke has to suppress a squeaky noise that was in the back of his throat. Ashton thinks Luke is the right person! He allows himself to display a light smile, a carbon copy of the one Ashton has.
“Ok, Ash, we can snuggle,” Luke says as if he’s just made a very hard concession. “Maybe next time you stay here?”
“It’s a deal.”
“Sounds awesome,” Luke hopes Ashton’s the kind of person to honour his deals.
“Alright, gonna sleep now. Gotta wake up early tomorrow, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah. Good night, Ash.”
“Good night, my snuggling friend,” Luke hears Ashton saying under his breath and a giggle coming after.
Then, the phone screen goes dark. Luke’s left empty, that cheery sound faded away, there’s silence filling up his room again, a reminder of the distance between him and Ashton.
There’s a feeling in his gut that tells him Ashton wasn’t asking for a cuddle just because he was cold. Luke hates how right his gut usually is. And he hates even more that he couldn’t provide the comfort Ashton was seeking.
Maybe, if Luke didn’t suck at recognising his emotions, at reading his own thoughts, at interpreting them; if he wasn’t always waiting for the perfect moment to say or do things, a perfect moment that usually never came, Ashton might be next to him right now, and Luke could hug him tight, and a tap on a screen wouldn’t get in the way of Luke and that smile.
Ashton was introduced to him as the person who would evaluate his professional performance, so the only thing Luke had in mind whenever Ashton was with him was to do the best job possible and to make a good impression to earn the permanent position. There wasn’t space in Luke’s mind to dwell on Ashton’s traits. Plus, seeing with a romantic interest the person that was making unbiased reports about your job would be a little inappropriate.
The stress relief of knowing that he’d gotten the permanent position took the blindfold off of Luke’s eyes. During the following weeks thoughts like ‘the colour of his eyes is now my favourite colour in the world’, ‘I’d spend the whole day watching him talk’ and ‘god, he’s gorgeous’ kept invading Luke’s mind.
So what? Luke had a crush on Ashton. Ashton was a hot guy. Luke’s lost count of the number of hot guys he’d had crushes on. And one pattern kept repeating: the crushes ceased to exist within a few days, as soon as Luke’s brain got bored of appreciating nothing but physical features.
It would be the same with Ashton.
But months kept passing and observing Ashton wouldn’t stop being fascinating. Luke continued discovering more of his attributes, like the beautiful round shape his thighs have when he’s sitting, or the capacity his voice has to go from a chirpy high tone to a sexy low register. Those were things that made Ashton attractive, and they made him attractive because they were his, because they made him Ashton.
But the day Luke saw Ashton drumming for the first time changed Luke’s perception of him forever.
Luke had gone to the school’s theatre to play the piano for a while. There was Ashton, playing the drums. Sweat was pouring down his forehead and dripping from his recently dyed black hair that looked even darker because it was wet. His damped shirt sticked to his skin made it so easy to contemplate the silhouette of his heaving chest.
If someone had asked Luke what his definition of ‘hot’ was he would’ve described exactly how Ashton looked at that moment. But despite Ashton being the impersonation of Luke’s ideal of beauty, the thoughts that filled Luke’s mind had very little to do with Ashton’s appearance.
‘Gosh, he’s so talented. Maybe he’s the drummer of a famous band and just teaches at a high school as a hobby.’ That was the first thought Luke had.
‘He looks so happy, so free.’ That was the second thought that came to Luke’s mind.
‘I’d do anything to see him like that all the time.’ It was then, when Luke’s mind formulated that sentence, that he realised he liked liked Ashton.
After that came weeks of internal debates. Should Luke make a move? How risky would that be? Did Ashton feel some kind of romantic attraction towards him?
There were things Ashton did that could be taken as signs. Like his hand staying for too many seconds on Luke’s wrist whenever Luke needed reassurance. Or the random compliments Ashton made about tiny little details, like a new choker Luke was wearing, or his curls falling over his forehead in a specific way.
Some moments made Luke believe there was a unique connexion between them. Like all those times they were having lunch all together and Ashton’s and Luke’s gazes ended up meeting one another and they both remained looking at each other, without saying a word, with light smiles on their faces that popped out without any particular reason while the rest of the people at the table engaged in an enthusiastic conversation.
There was a moment this year in July, when Luke went home to Australia for the semester end vacation, that he swore to himself he was going to ask Ashton out. He’d just left his things in his old bedroom and he and Ashton were speaking on the phone. Luke had mentioned he’d only spent two hours in Sidney and he already was having a blast. To what Ashton had responded “you better come back before the school year starts. I need you, and I’m not only talking about school stuff. We make a great team.” They did make a great team. They do make a great team. Luke told himself that if Ashton also saw it that way then he might want to try for a little more than a friendship. It was worth it to take the risk and ask him out. That was the first thing Luke would do when he went back to the states.
But on his return, Luke had found a more stressed, loaded with work than ever Ashton. An Ashton that said more than once that if he added one more concern to his brain his thoughts would overflow his brain and pour down his ears.
Figuring out if adding a romantic component to his relationship with Luke would be very distressing. So that’s why it’s been over two months since Luke got to the states and asking Ashton out is something that keeps waiting for the perfect moment.
…
Luke feels a bit cold. It’s true that it’s already December but he’s on his seat in the school theatre where the heat of the bunch of people that had been crowded in that tiny space should keep the place warmer. Maybe nobody turned the heat on. The students are dancing and moving on stage, it’s easy for them to get hot quickly and putting the heat on would make them a sweaty mess.
The curtain rolls down after the last note of the final act sounds and people stand on their feet and eagerly applaud. Luke had heard many times that sitting through a school musical could be a painful experience for the body senses, that parents went to watch them just to support their kids. But judging by everybody’s faces and the fact that it sounded like if ten thousand people were clapping, everyone had a great time. And everyone had a great time because the ones on stage had a great time as well.
The curtain rolls up and there they are, standing on stage, all the students that took part in the musical, the senior year dance teacher who was the one who did the choreographies, and Ashton.
He keeps humbly bending his head down for as long as the applause goes on and when the sound of the claps start to fade he receives around his arms all the students that go to hug him. Luke hopes that one day his students love him as much as they love mister Irwin.
After the curtain rolls down again Luke leaves his seat and goes backstage.
He sees Ashton by one of the corners, hugging the dance teacher. When they break apart, Luke waves at Ashton and he walks towards where Luke is.
As Ashton gets closer Luke realises that this is probably the most handsome Ashton’s ever been in front of him. It seems like Ashton’s about to go to the Tony Awards. He’s wearing a very elegant pair of black shoes, a black shirt buttoned up to the neck and, the star of the look: black incredibly tight pants.
Luke’s glad he’s only seeing Ashton’s front. Ashton’s rear silhouette is a trace that his eyes have outlined a few times already, but it’s always been covered by those baggy pants Ashton likes to wear. But right now the way the fabric’s clenching to Ashton’s thighs is enough for Luke to know how Ashton’s ass is going to be beautifully framed by that devilish piece of clothing, and his reaction to witnessing that isn’t something he wants to experience in front of a bunch of people.
Ashton is holding his arms spread out as he’s approaching Luke, like announcing to him that he’s about to be embraced. Luke indicates he’s more than ready for it by spreading his arms out as well.
They hug.
“Congrats,” Luke says to Ashton’s ear, “you did an amazing job.”
As soon as Luke speaks the last word Ashton sighs, almost leans his body weight completely on Luke and rests his head on Luke’s shoulder. Luke’s instinct makes him tighten one arm around Ashton’s back and put the palm of his hand on Ashton’s head.
“Thank you,” Ashton says, face practically hidden against Luke’s shoulder but Luke hears him just fine. As long as Ashton’s head remains in that position Luke tangles his fingers over Ashton’s too combed hair. He’s making it a little messy but he knows Ashton likes it better that way.
Luke lets go of his grip when Ashton lifts his head. They both take a step back.
“So,” Luke voices, “ready to hit the bar and grab the karaoke mic?” Ashton purses his lips together, almost like he was biting them, and wrinkles his nose. “What? Are you afraid Sierra and I are going to make you and Cal look bad? Just accept it, Ash, we’re the best duo the Annandale ever seen.”
“No, it’s not that.” There might’ve been a laugh that was meant to accompany the huff Ashton lets out but Luke isn’t sure that’s what he hears. “I can’t go. You guys have fun.”
“What?!” Luke thinks his voice’s never sounded that high-pitched. “You’re not going? You’re suggesting we celebrate the success of your musical without you?”
“I’m sorry. Tell Cal to drag Michael away from Crystal’s lap for a second and make him sing our song.”
Luke opens his mouth. He’s not sure if he wants to ask Ashton why he can’t go or try to convince him to go. Luke doesn’t even know if he wants to speak at all.
“Believe me,” Ashton talks before Luke has to come up with words of his own. “I want to go, more than anyone. This is the first night of my winter holiday after all. I don’t even remember when was the last time I went out and sang just for fun or the last time I hung out with you guys without keeping an eye on the time. I need it but I can’t.”
“Why the hell not?” The first word of that question would’ve been enough for Luke to get the information he’s looking for but, for some reason, he added the rest.
“In the middle of the play Mrs. Andrews came to me and told me the scout was loving it, especially the original songs, that they were coming back next year and that they might even grant two scholarships instead of one. They saw potential in a few students so they wanted to chat with one of the senior year teachers to help them make a fair choice when it comes to grant the scholarship. So the principal asked me to be the one to talk to the scout. You know, it’s for the kids.” Ashton sticks his hands in his pockets and plants his eyes on the floor as if he knew the effect his words would have on Luke and couldn’t stand to look at him. “I couldn’t-“
“Say ‘no’,” Luke cuts him off. “You couldn’t say ‘no’.” Ashton nods. Luke huffs, shakes his head and rolls his eyes all the same time. “Not this shit again, Ashton. Not this shit again.”
Ashton seems confused but he smiles as if he hadn’t understood a joke he was just told. “What do you mean?”
Luke spreads the fingers of both his hands and then closes them into tight fists on each side of his hips. “For fuck’s sake Ashton. Will you stop doing tasks that are not your responsibility? Will you stop doing stuff that are debilitating you, that are taking a toll on you? Will you just stop?”
Ashton frowns deeply and it seems like his lips are frozen into a perfectly straight line. “I don’t put myself through anything I don’t wanna do,” he defends himself.
Luke’s suddenly filled with anger. Not anger at Ashton but anger at his inability to make Ashton see his self-destructive patterns.
“Oh, really? So you’re saying that spending nights and nights working at school, without getting any sleep, and then getting on with your actual work first thing in the morning as if you weren’t exhausted was something you were looking forward to do? You’re saying that you didn’t need to have lunch that day you covered KayKay’s class? You’re saying you’d rather spend the first night of your winter holiday talking to a scout about a job that drains almost every drop of your energy instead of going out with us?”
Luke’s thankful for the murmurs that are filling the place because he’s aware of the raising volume of his voice and he doesn’t think he can control it. “You’re telling me last year’s new year’s eve party was so boring that you prefered to sleep through it instead of spending time with your friends?”
Luke’s not sure which road he’s taking but he’s speeding too much to stop now. “Instead of spending time with me?”
Ashton frowns deeply. “Last year’s new year’s eve party? What are you talking about? What does it have to do with me staying here to talk to the scout?”
That wasn’t the place nor the moment for that conversation, to question Ashton’s actions, to ask him to ignore his selfless convictions. But Luke had to take advantage of the rush of boldness that was buzzing through his body or he might not talk to Ashton with that harsh sincerity again. He has to. If he doesn’t, those dark bags under Ashton’s eyes will become a permanent feature of his face, and he’ll keep helping others to live their lives at the cost of not living his own.
Luke, clenches his fingers, squeezes his eyelids shut, purses his lips tight and repeatedly taps his forehead with the back of his fist at a fast pace. Maybe that way he’ll shake the words that are jumbled in his brain and make them go out assembled in a coherent sentence.
“Yes, Ashton, last year, at Mike’s and Cal’s. You ended up on Calum’s bed two hours before midnight. Before that, you were practically falling asleep on your feet ‘cause you worked at that charity kitchen for like 12 hours.”
Even when Ashton’s silence could mean he’s overwhelmed by all that’s been said to him and he needs some time to be able to respond before he can take any more words, Luke takes it as an invitation to keep talking.
“And I suppose you were already exhausted when you woke up that day because you hadn’t had a single day off since you offered to tutor those students that were failing your class.”
Ashton opens his mouth but nothing more than silence comes out of it. He closes it and opens it again, still no words.
“You missed the countdown, Ashton. You missed the confetti and the champagne. You missed everybody’s good wishes and hugs. I wanted to hug you, so bad.” Luke knows that the last part is not relevant to the point he’s trying to make but he chose to mention it anyway, he’s already said many things that he’d been meaning to tell for a while, why not let that one out as well?
“Have you seen yourself lately?” Luke’s tone of voice goes back to an increasing tendency. “Have you? Have you?” It’s not until Luke says the question a second time that he hears himself well enough to know he should dial the intensity down. “You seem like a fucking ghost, Ashton. You’re destroying yourself. And that’s only your body I’m talking about. I can’t take a look at your mind. You tell me how that one is doing.”
Luke’s done. He has to calm down. It’s time for Ashton to speak. It’s time to have an actual conversation.
“I gotta go,” are the only words Ashton says before turning his back to Luke and leaving the place.
...
Talking to Petunia’s always been easy. Luke finds it helpful and relieving. He goes to her whenever he has to organise his thoughts and say things out loud to comprehend what he did wrong and the magnitude of his mistakes. She lets Luke talk, allows him to listen to himself so he can realise how bad he fucked up.
That’s why he’s lying on the couch with Petunia on top of him, her nose just a few centimetres away from his chin. There’s a reality show on tv that Luke doesn’t know its name and he isn’t even watching. He has it with the volume down, just serving as background noise because he doesn’t want to listen to himself very clearly, just in case his own words are too harsh to handle.
Luke has enough with Petunia’s judgy eyes. She throws him some hard looks but he knows that no matter how bad he fucked up she’ll keep loving him the same. He doesn’t know if he can say the same about Ashton.
Because Luke monumentally fucked up with him.
“He doesn’t wanna see me, girl,” Luke softly states. He’s sure Ashton doesn’t. It’s not that Ashton’s been rejecting Luke’s calls, he can’t do that when Luke hasn’t called him a single time. That’s what Ashton wants, isn’t it? To be given some time alone, right?
The day after the musical was the first day of the winter holidays so work wouldn’t force Luke and Ashton to cross paths.
School or not school, Luke would eventually have to face Ashton, apologise for the rude way he expressed himself. He was planning to do it on movie night at Michael’s and Calum’s. He’d have a moment alone with Ashton and try to solve things as quick as possible without ruining everybody’s night.
But once he’d gotten to Calum’s and Michael’s, Cal told Luke Ashton had texted saying he was at his mom’s house, that the last month at school had been exhausting and he needed to be as far away as possible from anything and anyone school-related for a while. He said he’d spend the next couple of weeks with his siblings and he’d be back on time to attend Luke’s and Sierra’s new year’s eve party.
Luke can’t help to wonder if by ‘being as far away as possible from anyone school related' Ashton had meant ‘staying as far away from Luke as possible’.
At least Luke knows exactly when he’ll see Ashton again: on new year’s eve. He’ll have time to prepare what he’s going to say.
Maybe he should take some sort of oratory crash course. Are those a thing? Because he sure as fuck needs to work on his talking abilities. Why are his words that easy to be misunderstood? Why is that hard to deliver a message precisely? Luke’s always believed his thoughts are long threads that lead to main ideas. But the threads are often tangled. Untighting the knots is what challenges him the most. Maybe his ideas are too complex and he’s yet to find words that are just as complex. Or, maybe he needs to find simple words and learn to put them together to create a structure robust enough to carry a heavy message.
Luke had let the immediate scenario push the wrong words out of him. That’s one of his most defining characteristics as a person: he acts consequently with the moment, he lives the moment too hard. And that time the moment told Luke it was enough for Ashton.
He’d sounded so angry. He was angry. He was angry at everyone who’d taken advantage of Ashton’s generosity. And he was angry at himself, at his lack of action, at his delay to talk.
But the way he’d blurted everything out made it sound like he was angry at Ashton. Like if he was admonishing Ashton, like he was calling Ashton dumb for doing everything he does, or calling him weak for not saying ‘no’ when he got asked to do certain favours.
Luke must’ve looked like a selfish egocentric asshole. For fuck’s sake, he’s not above the noble act of feeding those who don’t even have a plate of soup to eat. And yet he had the nerve to feel entitled to Ashton’s company.
“He must be so mad at me,” Luke voices and Petunia instantly licks his chin as if she could detect Luke is distressed. She’s the best at comforting. “What if Ashton stays mad forever?” Luke asks her. “What if he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore?”
A succession of awkward encounters at work would await them. And having two people who are not on good terms in the same group would make it very uncomfortable when they hung out all together so Luke would spare them the suffering and spend time apart from the rest of his friends. That would be the fair thing to do. He was the last one to arrive, Ashton had met them first.
Luke’s being over pessimistic, isn’t he? This is Ashton, one of the kindest people Luke’s ever met. He’ll give Luke the chance to apologise, to explain himself, to rephrase all he said.
If things go wrong at the party and it turns out Ashton doesn’t want to be as close to Luke as he was before, Luke could tell Sierra to talk to him. They’re friends, and Sierra is a psychologist, she’ll help him see how his over-altruist behaviour is affecting his life in such a negative way. She’ll do it without a tone that sends aggressive or controlling vibes.
Because Luke fears that’s the impression he made: being an aggressive and dominat person. That’s something he needs to control about himself: the fact that when he sees someone he loves in distress his rawest emotions make him act like someone that’s far away from who he is.
“I love him, girl,” Luke says to Petunia after a long sigh. She seems to like his chest even more than her own bed because she hasn’t moved her head off of it since she climbed on Luke. But no matter how comfy she is, she hasn’t fallen slept, she hasn’t even closed her eyes. She won’t do it as long as Luke is talking. She won’t do it especially today, she’s too smart, she knows Luke better than he knows himself, she knew important words would come out of his mouth tonight.
It’s not like Luke had just had a big revelation. He knew he loved Ashton, he’s known it for a while, even when he can’t pinpoint the exact moment he said it to himself for the first time, but it’s real.
As real as it is, Luke needs time to figure out the reach of his love for Ashton. He knows it’s different from the love he feels for his mom and dad, for his brothers, for his other friends.
“Do you think he feels the same way about me, girl? Do you think he’ll want to discover how far our feelings for each other go together? How do I stay calm enough to apologise to him and tell him about this?”
Petunia snores and Luke throws his arms around her back and squeezes her against his chest. “I’m sure you’ve got all the answers in that big head of yours.”
…
Music and small talk with Sierra are what keep Luke from a nervous breakdown. The anticipation of a heavily mentally demanding endeavour’s always been more challenging to him than the endeavour itself. Luckily, Sierra won’t leave his side until Ashton gets there
It’s 8:00 pm, still relatively early. But the house is ready to host the party.
Crystal and Michael already arrived, so did KayKay, Roy, Jack and Ben. Calum will be there a little bit later because he’s going to the airport to pick up his sister Mali that’s flying from London to spend a few days with him; they will join the party as soon as they leave the bags at Calum’s place.
A few minutes later Jack’s joined Luke and Sierra on the couch. Luke is, half-joking, half-serious, commenting Jack that Sierra is an upgrade from him when it comes to roommates. The volume of the music had been turned up a bit, but it’s still low enough to hear their laughs and the knocks that sound on the door a few seconds later.
Michael’s the one who’s closer so he opens it. “Long time no see, mate,” he says and Luke doesn’t need the person who’s on the other side of the door to come in to know who that is.
Ashton’s barely taken a step in and he’s giving Michael a quick yet visibly tight hug. “I promise I’ll make up for all these days I’ve been MIA,” Ashton states.
He walks into the room and Luke can’t help to wonder if his own mind is playing tricks on him or if Ashton is actually floating his way to the living room. Of course, he’s not floating but for the first time maybe since Luke met him, Ashton isn’t walking as if his feet weighed a hundred pounds each, his shoulders aren’t positioned as if they were pushing against his body, his fingers are stretched hanging free from his hand and not making a rigid fist.
This serene state suits Ashton so well.
The clothes he’s wearing are just as serene and they suit him just as well. He’s got a wide T-shirt, one he’s worn in Luke’s presence dozens of times, one that already looked worn out the first time Luke saw it; only overuse can give fabric that beautiful wavy aspect. He’s wearing those arctic blue denim pants with a hole in one knee that he opened himself because ‘industrial perfection’ wasn’t what he was going for. Ashton’s looking comfortable, he’s looking himself, he’s looking untroubled, he’s looking liberated.
He waves Crystal and Ben from the distance before walking towards the couch.
“Hey, guys,” he says once he’s right in front of Sierra, Jack and Luke.
Sierra and Jack echo Ashton’s word but the only greet that comes naturally to Luke is a smile. A smile he knows is weak but once he sees Ashton smiling back his own smile gains a little bit of force.
“How are you?” The question is supposed to be addressed to all of them but the only person Ashton’s looking at is Luke. And it’s not the question itself, it’s the soft tone that shapes it what hints Ashton is not angry at Luke anymore, that he’ll give Luke the chance to rephrase everything he said that day. Of course Ashton will, now Luke feels a little bad for doubting the kindness of Ashton’s heart.
“So,” Sierra says before any of them reply, “we’re gonna get some punch, right Jack?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he answers after feeling the nudge Sierra’s just given to him.
Without any further words, they stand up and head to the kitchen.
“So,” Ashton speaks and then sits next to Luke, “how are you?”
“Honestly, I’m fine now that you’re here, now that I’ve got you right in front of me,” Luke admits. “I’ve been losing my mind these weeks.”
“Yeah, I’m so sorry. You must’ve been so pissed at me.”
“What?! No. Why would I be pissed at you?
Ashton frowns. “ ‘Cause of the way I reacted last time we talked, ‘cause I left without explaining why.” Luke wants to stop whatever apology Ashton inexplicably feels the need to offer because an apology is necessary but not from Ashton’s side. “Luke, there are so many things I wanna tell you. But first, I’m so sor-“
“But I was so rude,” Luke cuts him off, “I made it sound like I was reprimanding you.”
“You made it sound like you care about me. A lot.”
“I do, Ash, I do. So much.” That’s a truth they can both agree on.
“Look, can we go to your room and talk where there’s a little bit more quietness?”
“Yeah, sure. C’mon.” Luke tilts his head to the left, where his bedroom is.
Once inside, Luke slides a chair in front of the bed for Ashton to sit on.
“I went home after leaving you alone that day,” Ashton says as soon as Luke sits on the edge of the bed in front of him. That’s the last thing Luke was expecting to hear.
“You didn’t stay?!”
“No. I went to see Mrs. Andrews and told her I wouldn’t stay. I didn’t ask her if it was ok for me to go. I told her I wouldn’t stay, that my holidays had started the second the play ended and that I needed to take them right away. I told her I’d be happy to talk to the scout in January or that, since she’s been so involved in the play, she could talk to them herself and everything would go great. She told me that it was ok, that there wasn’t a number of holidays big enough to compensate me for everything I’ve done for the school.”
“That’s great, Ash!” Luke’s not precisely talking about Mrs. Andrews’ more than deserved words towards Ashton, he’s referring to the fact that Ashton didn’t stay.
“It felt great!” Ashton exclaims with a smile that carves on his cheeks dimples as deep as the ones Luke’s only seen on pictures of Ashton and his siblings together. “I know I’m good at my job, I do, but there’s always that feeling of not being doing enough. It doesn’t hurt to be reminded from time to time that you’re doing good.”
It sounds like an apology as if Ashton thought he’s being too demanding because he wants some of the recognition he deserves. Luke promises himself to tell Ashton from now on how great of a job he does. If Luke says it a quarter of the time he thinks it then it would be very often.
“Seeing you so pissed by the fact that I was overworking made me question why I wasn’t that pissed. I was tired, I knew it, but it took me to hear you talk that way to allow myself to feel tired.”
It isn’t until now, three weeks after the musical that Luke stops beating himself up. “That was all I wanted, Ash, to help you see you needed a break.”
“Oh, Luke, you helped me see so many things.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Hearing your perspective on the things I was doing made me realise how destructive my patterns were. When you’ve been sailing on convulsive tides for years the waves become imperceptible, you still get dizzy but you don’t know why. You get what I mean?” Luke nods. “Well, hearing what you said was like going down from the boat and seeing from the shore the storm in which it was floating.” Ashton huffs and shakes his head. “Shit, I’m getting all poetic now.”
“It’s ok. I like it when you talk that way.”
“Yeah? My point is that I kept spending all that time focused on everybody else and at some point, I stopped having projects of my own or looking forward to doing things for myself. You helped me see I can’t continue living like that. Taking a break would be a momentary relief, not the solution. I need to do bigger changes. I have to take care of myself, think about myself, put myself first sometimes.”
Ashton says it with such seriousness and conviction that right now Luke knows Ashton is going to be ok, he won’t lose himself to work and over selflessness.
“But I have to do all that without forgetting who I am,” Ashton adds. “Keeping the equilibrium between caring about my wellbeing and not becoming an egotistical dick won’t be easy.”
“I can let you know when the balance starts going to one side,” Luke offers.
“You already did, that’s why we’re having this conversation right now. But I wouldn’t mind if you kept doing it.”
“Any time you need.”
Luke doesn’t even know when was that his hand ended up on Ashton’s wrist, but he sees it there when Ashton finishes that last sentence. Ashton’s eyes go to it for a second, he doesn’t say a thing but when he glances back at Luke’s face the corners of his lips elevate on his cheeks so Luke keeps his hand right where it is for a few seconds.
“I think I’m taking the right steps, you know?” Ashton says.
“You are?”
“I think so, yeah. This morning I went to the charity kitchen like I do every new year’s eve but this time I took Lauren and Harry with me.”
“That sounds awesome, Ash.”
“Yeah, they really wanted to go and two extra pairs of hands are always needed over there so I was happy to take them. It was such a great morning.” Ashton sighs. “I did my part on helping those who need it while spending time with my siblings. I think I found a middle ground.”
“You have to take me to the kitchen some time. I really wanna help.” Taking his part on charity work is something that Luke’s looking forward to, but when he said ‘help’ the thing he had the most in his mind was helping Ashton stay in that middle ground.
“Yeah, about taking you to places.” Ashton shifts on the chair and his fingers go to fiddle with one of those long curls that fall over his cheeks.
“What is it? You don’t want me to go?”
“No, no, it’s not that.” Ashton laughs but it doesn’t seem like he finds anything funny. “So… let me explain something. I didn’t call you in like three weeks, right?”
“Yeah, I thought it was because you were mad at me.”
“No, of course not,” Ashton says hurriedly as if he didn’t want to leave space for that thought in Luke’s mind. “Why would I be mad at you?.
“Well, because of the way I said everything. I was afraid I’d sounded aggressive, like I was trying to control your life, tell you what to do; or that I was being a bratty friend who wouldn’t understand you couldn’t hang out with me. And then I didn’t get any news from you for three weeks, so…”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m so sorry you felt bad. I was definitely not mad at you. I was so grate-, I am so grateful you spoke to me that way. It takes a lot of courage to talk so honestly, to say the truth so harshly. I guess you said it because you care about me.”
“I do, Ash. I do. A lot” This time, when Luke tightens his fingers around Ashton’s wrist he’s completely aware of the movement of his hand and does it deliberately.
“I know you do. I’ve always known but it wasn’t until I got to my mom’s house and found myself completely in peace kilometres away from the world that was tormenting me that I had the mental energy to dwell on that thought. I did it for days, actually. That’s why I didn’t call. I needed to have everything figured out before I talk to you, I needed to be sure of where I wanted to take our relationship.”
“Where you wanted to take our relationship?” Luke asks puzzled.
“Yes.” This time Ashton’s the one who puts his hand on Luke’s wrist. He doesn’t curl his fingers on it, he just keeps his palm barely touching Luke’s skin. “I didn’t have any contact with you ‘till now ‘cause I needed time to work on the courage to ask you what I’m about to ask you and prepare myself mentally to deal with whatever your answer is gonna be.”
Luke is about to cut Ashton off and tell him to stop rambling because his getting nervous with such an amount of mystery but as soon as he opens his mouth to speak Ashton says, “so here I am, asking you. Would you go out with me? On a date?”
Yes! Why does the answer only sound in Luke’s mind? Why isn’t Luke speaking? Ashton asked you what you’ve been meaning to ask him for months and now being happy makes you unable to speak? What the fuck Hemmings?
“Would you?” Ashton clears his throat, his eyes go to the floor for a second but they quickly jump back to Luke face. “Would you give me, us, a chance? We make such a great team. I’ve learnt so much from you, Luke. I wanna keep doing it and I wanna put my mind at your will. My mind. My time. Me.”
Luke wants to smile, he needs to, but the shock of everything he’s hearing takes over his lips and keeps them parted in the shape of an O.
“I realised,” Ashton continues because no, he won’t give Luke a chance to try to articulate a damn word, “I’m the best version of me when I’m with you, that I’ve never felt like I need to work to earn your affection. You’ve always been there for me, to remind me I’m good enough, that I’m doing a good job, that I’m a good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good teacher. I want that for the rest of my life. But most importantly, I wanna be that for you for the rest of your life. Of course,” a serious expression takes over Ashton’s face, “I’m not entitled to anything from you. I’m just asking you, would you consider giving me a chance? Do you think there could be something more than a friendship between us?”
“Oh my god, Ash!” Luke uninhibitedly grabs Ashton’s hands between his. This time he finally is able to smile. “Yes. Yes!”
Luke’s sudden answer seems to be unexpected by Ashton because his eyebrows jump to the top of his forehead and even when he’s smiling he asks “really?”
“Oh, Ash.” Luke shakes his head and lets out an airy laugh. “I’ve been wishing this could be more than a friendship for a year now.”
“What?” Ashton squeaks.
“Since the day I was told I’d gotten the permanent position.”
“What?” Ashton’s tone of voice gets higher.
“I was gonna ask you out after the summer vacation but things were very chaotic by the time I came back from Sidney, so…” Luke shrugs.
“No way!” Ashton laughs and Luke does the same.
“Since we’re admitting things,” Ashton says, a giggle intertwined with his words, “I had eyes on you since the very first day we met.”
“You did?!”
“Yeah, I gotta say, as someone with curly hair myself, I’d never seen curls as perfectly set up as yours. What do you do to get them that beautifully distributed over your head?”
Luke had received compliments from Ashton before, the ‘nice shirt’ or ‘those pants look good on you’ kind of compliment. But hearing Ashton praising a specific feature of Luke’s body is a celestially sounding novelty. Luke hopes the heat he’s feeling taking over his face is not manifesting in flush over his cheeks.
“Like right now, for example,” Ashton says and then reaches out and screws his index finger around that curl that’s falling over Luke’s right eyebrow. “Perfect.”
Yes, Luke’s cheeks are definitely red now. Fuck it, his whole body could turn crimson and he wouldn’t mind. Ashton just called his hair ‘perfect’, Ashton touched it, that’s all that matters. Besides, Luke’s got stored in his mind months and months of untold compliments to Ashton, there’s time to say them all and see how Ashton’s cheeks taint red.
“And since I was appreciating your hair,” Ashton continued, “one thing let to the other and I ended up glancing at your eyes. I didn’t hear the first half of what Mrs. Andrews told us because I was too distracted by them. By the way, you had to go for a blue suit today, didn’t you?”
Luke takes a look at his outfit and then looks back at Ashton with a questioning eyebrow quirked up.
“And you had to put that stain of blue shade on the inner corner of your eyes, didn’t you?” Ashton says. “You had to make them stand out like that. I was already nervous to come and talk to you and say everything I just said. You had to make me more nervous with your eyes being the star of this party.”
Ashton being that good with words has always been convenient but it might’ve turned into an issue because a jittery laugh is the first reply that comes out of Luke.
“What about you with your-“ Luke realises he wasn’t thinking of anything specific, he was just thinking of Ashton. He’s done with keeping that kind of thing to himself so he goes for it and says “all of you, actually.”
Luke might’ve not gotten red cheeks from Ashton right now but he decides those deep dimples are just as good.
“I kind of wanted to make a move on you but I’d be in charge of evaluating you. Asking you out wouldn’t be the most professional thing to do and I didn’t want that to make me have a biased opinion of your work. And then, during the time you were being evaluated, you didn’t give me any sign that you might be into me so I let the idea back down.”
“Yeah, in all honesty, as long as you were in charge of evaluating me I was never gonna look at you that way. Plus, I was under so much stress that it wasn’t until the day we were celebrating I’d gotten the permanent position that I saw you, somehow carrying six drinks all by yourself, and I thought ‘damn’.”
“Damn?” Ashton asks with a laugh.
“Damn,” Luke confirms.
“So, can I take you on a date?”
“Yes, please.” Luke thinks he’s never nodded this eagerly in his life. “What do you have in mind?”
“Well, I know I said ‘take you on a date’ but I was thinking of cooking dinner for you at my place. Sounds good?”
“Wow, after over a year I’ll have the chance to finally try Ashton Irwin’s famous cooking? I’ll consider it my honour.”
“My cooking is awesome so it is your honour.” They both laugh at such a confident comment.
They go back to the living room and it feels like it’s now that the party has properly started.
Luke realises it’s been like a month since he and his brothers were in the same room the three of them together so he spends most of the next hour talking to them. From time to time his eyes search the room for Ashton. Luke first sees him chatting with Sierra, then laughing at something Roy said, then giving Mali a tight welcome hug and then tousling Michael’s recently dyed hair for Crystal’s amusement.
Everyone’s dancing now. By the time it’s 10 minutes to midnight arms are resting over shoulders and they’re forming a circle that moves to the beat of the music. Ashton is in front of Luke, his chubby cheeks looking even fuller because of that smile that hasn’t left his face.
Everything is perfect.
They keep hitting each other’s shoulders while doing that fun chaotic dance until someone starts shouting 10, 9, 8, and everyone joins in for the countdown to the new year.
The number 1 comes and everyone chants ‘happy new year’ in unison. Michael and Calum make confetti pop out right next to Luke and while it’s still falling over them Luke joins the hug Michael and Calum had initiated. Then he goes to hug his brothers, Crystal, Mali, Roy. He sees Sierra and Ashton doing the same thing by the couch so he also joins them.
Sierra goes to where Michael and Calum are so Luke and Ashton are left alone to fall into each other’s arms.
Luke’s hugged Ashton before but there’s something different about this time. It’s not the duration of it. Yes, it goes for longer than it has ever before but what’s really different is that for the first time Ashton’s not squeezing Luke, he’s just leaning on Luke’s body, head resting on Luke’s shoulder. It hits Luke that so far Ashton had felt like the responsibility of leading a hug, if there’s such thing, was his. Luke feels flattered that Ashton is comfortable enough to let go like that with him.
“Happy new year, Luke,” Ashton says to his ear.
“Happy new year,” Luke replies once Ashton lifts his head off of Luke’s shoulders. His arms stay around Ashton, bringing their chests tight together.
There, face to face, Luke delights himself in the wild natural beauty of Ashton’s hair. It looks like freedom, all messy, long enough for the curls to be the protagonist of the look, the honey-coloured roots visible again, creating a gorgeous subtle transition to the black dyed part of the hair.
The corners of Ashton’s lips stay stretched out. Luke thinks that smile couldn’t be any wider but Ashton stretches his lips a bit more when Luke twirls his finger around the thick curl that rests on top of Ashton’s forehead.
“Would you allow me the honour of being your first kiss of the year?” Luke asks. “Unless you think it’s too soon for that, which I totally understand. Or, maybe you’re waiting for Calum?” Luke says after moving his head to the side and seeing that, just like last year, Calum is pecking Michael’s lips and Crystal is laughing her ass out.
“No, I’m not waiting for Calum,” is Ashton’s chuckly response.
As soon as Luke turns his head back to that beautiful man in front of him, his lips are softly touched by Ashton’s. It has all the awkwardness expected from a first kiss: mouths barely opened yet a slight touch of teeth, noses getting in the way, hands that don’t know where to go. But it also has all the magic of a kiss that’s just as eagerly given as it’s eagerly received: curious lips slotted together, a muffled moan after the initial contact, and it lasts for long enough to be sure what’s happening isn’t a dream and to announce a promising future.
After separating their lips Luke realises nobody noticed they just kissed since they’re all giving their own first kisses of the year, or giving more hugs, or going back to dancing.
Luke brings his gaze back to Ashton, sees that smile again and says “happy new year indeed.”