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Junkyu quietly sipped his tea as he looked at the window outside. His eyes followed the buzzing crowd as cars and buses beeped their way in the morning traffic. He enjoyed the tranquility of that morning.
Not until Choi Hyunsuk came and ruined everything.
One tap on his shoulder and a pleading face was all it took for Junkyu to agree to this silly segment of a famous youtube channel. Hyunsuk said it was his first segment at that channel and being the supportive friend that he was, Junkyu succumbed to his friend’s wishes.
To be exact, this was how it went.
Junkyu felt a tap on his shoulder. With a glimpse of his blonde hair and non-existent eyebrows, Junkyu automatically rolled his eyes.
“What?” He said with mock annoyance.
“It’s 9:00 am in a cold winter morning and here you are fuming.” Hyunsuk chuckled and took the seat beside him.
“You don’t contact me unless you need something. So, spill it.”
“You know that channel who reunites people who are either exes or make teenagers confess their sexual experiences to their parents through a drinking game?”
“Uh huh. The one who recently hired you?” Junkyu raised his eyebrow. “And?”
“Well, I pitched in this new segment wherein people who had fuck buddies would give video messages to them. You know, to give closure. But we won’t invite said fuck buddy, though. Just a video message. The pitch got accepted.”
Junkyu shook his head. “My answer is no.”
“I haven’t even asked you yet!”
“I won’t participate, Choi Hyunsuk. Besides, what would be the point of that?”
“Well, you would be able to say the words you didn’t manage to say when you were you know,” Hyunsuk leaned in and whispered, “ doing it.”
“Just say the words, Hyuns. We’re in our 20s already.”
“Anyway, please. I thought of you when I pitched this! You always wanted to have a closure with him right? This is your chance!”
“Well, aren’t you a good friend.” Junkyu took another sip of his tea. “Still. My answer’s no. He probably forgot about me. That was just one cold winter night.”
“ Multiple cold winter nights.”
Junkyu rolled his eyes again. “Nope. Still no.”
“This would be my first project though. It’d be really great if you’d be there.”
“Don’t use the friend card on me.”
Hyunsuk took Junkyu’s cup and sipped. “But it works, doesn’t it?” He flashed one of his smiles that shows when he does aegyo to the latter. “Please?” He took Junkyu’s hands in between his.
Junkyu yanked his hand away and sighed. “Fine.”
So here he is, inside a studio, squinting his eyes in an attempt to block the bright lights. “Can you tone these things down, Hyuns? They’re hurting my eyes.”
“We need those so you’ll look good.” Hyunsuk handed out his mic. “Here. This box goes in your backpocket. The wire should be worn under your shirt. Clip the mic on the collar of your polo.” Junkyu nodded and quietly did what Hyunsuk told him to. “You read the questions, right?” Hyunsuk looked at him with concerned eyes. “Are there any questions that you’d like to remove?”
Junkyu looked at the script again. His eyes glazed through each question, pondering upon which offended him.
“None, I think. Thank you.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Very.”
“So to repeat, you will first introduce yourself. Just do it freely. Whatever you like to mention. Then from there, we’ll ask you the questions. We’ll take a short break if you feel uncomfortable, okay?”
“I’ve never seen you this serious.” Junkyu smiled. “I’m proud of you.”
Hyunsuk mirrored his smile. “Save the compliments for later. We’ll start in about 15 minutes. Do you need anything?”
“A refill of this?” Junkyu handed out his empty water bottle.
Hyunsuk look at it curiously. “Are you that nervous?”
“Yeah. You know I never did these things.”
“You did audition once for a commercial.”
“That doesn’t count.”
Hyunsuk let out a snicker. “Whatever you say.”
Junkyu rested for the next 15 minutes. He fiddled with his ice cold fingers, fixed the microphone on his collar, and chugged down almost half of the new water bottle Hyunsuk brought him. Nervous is an understatement. He was terrified. Of how he would react. Or if he would ever watch it. Or if he even remembered him.
“Kyu. We’ll begin in a minute. Are you ready?” Hyunsuk called out. Junkyu nodded and sighed heavily. He took a deep breath and lightly tapped his chest, something he did whenever he was nervous.
“Okay. In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!” Hyunsuk shouted and gave Junkyu his motherly smile. Junkyu put on the nicest smile he could muster despite his trembling knees. “Hi. Uhm. I’m Kim Junkyu. 21. I’m a senior majoring in Chemical Engineering.” Junkyu nodded as a cue that he was finished. Hyunsuk gave an ‘okay’ sign.
“So, Junkyu. Do you have any experience with having a sex partner?” Hyunsuk asked, his tone too professional for Junkyu’s liking.
“I mean, that’s the profile you were looking for right?” Junkyu laughed in an attempt to wring the nerves out of his body. “I did. Stuck with only one though.”
“Why is that?”
Junkyu was shocked by the sudden question. Hyunsuk did say that they would not go by the blueprint (script) all the time and there would be instances that they would ask impromptu questions based on his answers. Junkyu took a long time to think. He racked his brain for answers, but all he could say was, and with a hint of uncertainty to his voice, “I didn’t want to get STDs?”
Hyunsuk laughed and proceeded with the script. “Where did you meet this partner?”
“Uhm. At the senior’s party.”
Hyunsuk motioned that he should give more details.
“It was the start of a new year. The usual gathering of the seniors. He was popular, drawing in every crowd that he would pass through. And I was one of them. He wasn’t even the host but he had this incredible social skills that no one could resist him. So yeah, I guess that was where it started.” Junkyu smiled, hiding the loud beating against his chest.
Of course, that was the gist of it. Junkyu was not ready to share the whole story to the world. Not especially when he could be watching this.
It was true. They met at the senior’s party. He was the typical popular jock, kind of cocky but everyone loved him. He charmed everyone he passed by. It was as if they were all moths attracted to his light. Junkyu was beguiled, though he did not bother to approach him. He could not care less about parties. Again, being the good friend that he is, he got dragged by Hyunsuk. This would be our last year! Enjoy it! was what Hyunsuk said. And enjoy Junkyu did. He marveled at the small corner, watching drunk people make out in an attempt to sober themselves.
Jihoon approached him first. Junkyu was startled. He tried to hide himself as much as he could. He slumped his shoulders to the smallest possible width, held the stale beer as close to his lips, yet this jock managed to see him.
“Hey. Enjoying the party so far?” Jihoon smiled at him, his brown orbs scanning Junkyu’s.
“I guess.” Junkyu answered shortly, flustered by the sudden approach. He averted his gaze to the beer. “Good beer by the way.” No, it wasn’t. It tasted like it has been kept in the refrigerator for months.
Jihoon laughed at the remark. “Thanks. I’m not the host though.”
Junkyu’s eyes widened and tried to further hide half of his face behind his glass. In a small voice he said, “Sorry.”
“I sense that you’re not the party type.”
“Yeah, obviously.” Junkyu gulped the leftover beer in his cup. Jihoon watched with amusement.
“Can I get you another one?”
Junkyu politely handed his glass over. “Please.”
And after a few drinks, Junkyu found out that he is a lightweight. He wrapped his arms around Jihoon’s neck and the next morning, he woke up naked beside him.
Hyunsuk then proceeded with the next question.
“How did it lead to a contract?”
Junkyu laughed at the question. “Contract? There wasn’t any contract. It just happened. Like a routine.”
“Then, was it eventual? Or did it happen right after the first time you did it?”
“It was eventual. After maybe,” Junkyu tapped his chin, “three nights?”
Jihoon contacted him after the first night.
Junkyu liked being in the latter’s arms - it was warm and comforting. He felt that was where he was supposed to be. Despite this, he left in a hurry. Not because he was shocked, but because he was terrified.
He was terrified of this familiar feeling he was not supposed to feel. Junkyu falls in love easily, so easily that a one night stand could throw him into a pit of overthinking. And so, he threw his clothes on and left the building to block the intruding thoughts in his head.
Yet, this efforts were thrown to waste as he saw an unfamiliar number ringing his phone at 12 in the midnight.
“Hello?” Junkyu picked up, his eyebrows knitted into a frown. “Who’s this?”
“Hi.” That deep voice was all it took for Junkyu to sit up, not minding the momentary blackness of his vision. “It’s Jihoon. From the party. I just wanted to ask if you’re alright? You left early.”
Junkyu’s face further distorted. “Uhm. Yes, I’m alright.” Was he supposed to stay? “Uhm. Is your head throbbing?”
“From?” Junkyu could almost hear Jihoon’s smirk at the other end of the line. He hid his face in embarrassment.
“Alcohol?” He answered, or rather asked.
“No, fortunately.”
“That’s good then.”
Junkyu could almost cut through the silence. It was reified further by the heavy breaths that he had been holding since Jihoon called.
“So, do you want to come here next Friday?”
Junkyu stood up, a momentary head ache woke him up. He walked back and forth before asking, “What for?”
“Oh. Uhm…” Junkyu tapped his lips while waiting for an answer. “Help me with calculus?” Jihoon said. Junkyu held back a laugh, “I’m bad with calculus.”
“With English literature then.”
“How’d you get my number?”
Quietness ensued once again. “From Hyunsuk.”
“You’re close with him?”
“I’m close with everyone.”
Junkyu smiled, “That must be nice, to be close with everyone.”
“Not really. It gets draining from time to time. People would use you with every chance they could get. Sometimes, it could get lonely. Like you’re out with this supposed ‘friends’ but you’re just there, still feeling alone.”
“Hm.” was all Junkyu could say. Because really, what could anyone say to that?
“Anyway, next Friday?”
Junkyu spoke before he could even think, “Sure.” And with a final ‘bye’, Junkyu heard the beep of the phone along with his racing heart. What the hell was that?
And so, Junkyu came at Jihoon’s house every Friday for ‘literature classes’. Eventually, it almost became a routine, an unspoken agreement between the two of them. They were two lonely souls in the middle of a cold city, desperate to find warmth in each other’s arms.
“How long did it last?” Hyunsuk continued the interview.
Junkyu smiled bitterly. His heart clenched and his stomach churned. His breathing became erratic and his eyes were watery. Hyunsuk worriedly looked at him. “Do you want to take a break?” Junkyu shook his head and waved his hand. “No, it’s fine. Can I get another bottle of water though?”
Hyunsuk wordlessly fetched him his water. Junkyu muttered ‘thanks’ before proceeding to answer. “We didn’t last long. There wasn’t anything to preserve so, yeah. Shit happens.”
It was a Friday night. Rain poured heavily and the streets were drenched in mud puddles. Wearing his boots, Junkyu skipped through each of them. He knew he shouldn’t be there, happily skipping towards Jihoon’s apartment. Junkyu knew the costs of this momentary bliss yet his heart was pounding against his chest and his lips were slowly quirking up to a smile. He knocked on Jihoon’s door three times. No answer. Only the breeze of the cold air along with Junkyu’s clogged breathing was heard. Another three knocks, still none. A ding from his phone startled him.
hey. i’m at the hospital rn. sorry can’t meet you today, something came up.
Junkyu felt chills run down his spine. Must be the cold, he convinced himself despite his subsconscious telling him that it wasn’t. That it was his intoxication of Jihoon - his mannerism of resting his arms on Junkyu’s hips as they sleep, his sighs that Junkyu interpreted as i love you’s, his slow, quiet breaths as he nestled his face against Junkyu’s neck - that sent him into his own doom.
Several Fridays have passed and still, there was no sign of Jihoon. Junkyu grew impatient and frustrated. His repeated texts of ‘are you okay’ were still left on read. He stomped down Jihoon’s neighborhood and knocked three times on his apartment.
The door opened and a woman about the same age as they were greeted him. She looked frail and pale. Her long black hair was tied up in a messy bun. Jihoon peeked from behind the woman’s shoulder and rushed to Junkyu. His hair was disheveled, as if he just got up from his slumber.
“Oh. Hey.” Jihoon’s raspy voice caught Junkyu off guard.
“Hi.” Junkyu said, a fake smile lie heavily on his lips.
“This is Junkyu, my friend from college.” Jihoon turned to the woman. She gave him a tight-lipped smile. A wail cut their meeting and the woman rushed inside to comfort the baby. “Love! I’m going outside for a smoke. Do you need anything?” Jihoon called out. Junkyu felt a pang on his chest as he watched the scene unfold in front of him. He was an outsider, a mere viewer of an old soap as Jihoon and the woman talked in hushed voices. They pecked each other’s lips and Jihoon turned to him. “Let’s go to a nearby café.” Junkyu nodded and politely smiled at the woman to which she returned, the baby drooling in her arms.
Their walk towards the café was quiet. Their hands would brush against each other from time to time, but Jihoon seemed to pay it no mind. It was a big deal to Junkyu. He felt the urge to grab his hand and pull him into a hug. Yet, the voices in his head told him no, that it was wrong and that what they were doing now is just out of Jihoon’s politeness. It was as if it was the latter’s subtle way of saying that they should end things.
Junkyu was right. As soon as they sat down and had a sip of their bitter espresso, Jihoon did a quick run through of what had happened.
“That woman is my girlfriend. We met way before I met you.” Jihoon started. Junkyu gaped at him for a while, his breathing became heavy with each exhale.
“You have a girlfriend?” Junkyu said, his shaky voice failing to hide his attempt at being stoic.
“Yes.”
It was quiet for a while. They both stared at their cups, playing with its handle. Junkyu spoke, “Why didn’t you tell me this?”
“I…” Jihoon exhaled as if he was holding his breath for a long time. He took a sip of his coffee before speaking. “I don’t know.”
Junkyu clenched his fist. His bloodshot eyes gazed upon Jihoon’s calm ones. “What do you mean you don’t know? You dragged me into this mess!”
“I know.” Jihoon’s eyes suddenly welled with tears. “I know it was my fault. For not telling you. But I didn’t how to stop. I liked you, Junkyu.”
Junkyu laughed bitterly. He gulped the remaining shot of his espresso. Its bitter taste sat on his tongue and his throat was burning. “You liked me? If you liked me so much, then you would’ve stopped whatever it is that you have going on with that girl, right?” He held the handle of his cup tightly in an attempt to suppress the surge of anger bubbling in his chest. “Or if you loved her so much, then you wouldn’t contact me the night after we did it. But here we are, plenty fucks later.”
Jihoon kept quiet, staring down at his now stale coffee.
“That baby, is it yours too?”
Jihoon nodded quietly. Junkyu sighed and stood up from his chair. He grabbed his things and said, “Congratulations then.” He left the café without looking back. His tears fell along with the sudden downpour. He did not bother to bring out his umbrella as he mindlessly walked through the puddles messing his shoes.
“How would you describe him?” Hyunsuk continued the interview after Junkyu has calmed down.
He was Junkyu’s rainbow, all pretty but temporary. He was his escape from reality, yet he was also that reality . He tugged Junkyu away from the chaos of the outside world, yet he brought him back in. “He was fun.” was all Junkyu said.
Hyunsuk motioned for him to elaborate. “And sweet. Charming. So charming that he could deceive you. He could turn your world upside down and steal everything you have kept. Yet, he was lovely to be with. He made every night special, and for that I am grateful.” Junkyu smiled.
“Do you have anything to say to him?” Hyunsuk continued, not minding the heavy atmosphere surrounding the studio.
“Uhm.” Junkyu opened his third water bottle and downed it. He wiped his mouth and stared straight at the camera’s lens, “Hi.”
He took a deep breath. “I hope you’re well and healthy. You need to be healthy so you could live longer. Stop smoking. And drinking lots of alcohol. And…” He took another deep breath, “I miss you. I really do. And I wish I hugged you before I left. It must’ve been hard for you as much as it was for me. I wish I told you comforting things, and said that it’s all going to be alright. But now, all I could say is good luck. And whatever it is that you’re doing right now, you will be great. You always are.” Junkyu finished with a smile, his tears already rolling down his cheeks. “Oh no. I’m sorry.” He laughed and tapped his face with the tissue handed to him.
“Okay. Let’s wrap up!” Hyunsuk announced, and everyone around him heaved a deep sigh as if they were all engaged in his story. Junkyu clapped and thanked everyone for their hard work.
He went home with Hyunsuk that night. The latter offered to take him to a local bar but he refused. “I want to be alone for now.” He said to which Hyunsuk nodded. The drive home was quiet, the stereo filling in for the both of them. Hyunsuk dropped him off and thanked him for participating.
“Hey.” Hyunsuk called. Junkyu peered at his window. “I’m sorry.” He continued.
Junkyu tilted his head. “What for?”
“For making you participate into this project of mine.”
Junkyu raised his eyebrow. “I don’t get it.”
“For making you reminisce those memories. I know it was painful for you.”
Junkyu opened the car’s door and smacked Hyunsuk’s arm. The latter muttered an ‘ouch’. “It’s okay, idiot.” Junkyu closed the door and waved. “I hope your project gets 0 likes!” He shouted to which Hyunsuk rolled his eyes to.
“Don’t jinx it!” Hyunsuk said and beeped as he drove away. Junkyu waved and went inside his home.
Junkyu laid atop his bed as he stared at his star-filled ceiling. Each star sticker was close to falling, yet Junkyu thought they were still pretty. They reminded him of Jihoon, flawed and lovely.
He continued to stare at the ceiling for a while until he felt his eyes getting heavy. He could almost hear Jihoon lulling him to sleep. He slept with his heart lighter than ever.