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It was strange, waking up on Christmas eve alone, but not unwelcome. He wasn’t sad about it, it was just not something he had experienced before. Usually he was with his family, waking up to a house filled with noise. But today, the apartment was quiet, save for Felix’s own shuffling in the bed.
He had bid goodbye to his roommates a few days prior when Hyunjin and Minho had left to stay with Minho’s family for Christmas. Felix envied his friends a little, on top of being able to spend Christmas together, they also could see both of their families, since Minho’s lived in Gimpo and Hyunjin’s in Seoul. Felix hadn’t been able to travel to Australia to his family for Christmas this year since he had opted to spend the holidays with his boyfriend.
He wasn’t fretting over it too much, though. He had tickets booked for the 27th and would be spending the New Year in Australia with his family. But for Christmas, he had plans with his boyfriend. Today, they were going on a date and then spending the night at Junseo’s parents’, where they would open presents and eat dinner on Christmas day. Felix was excited to spend the holidays with his significant other, they hadn’t been able to be together on Christmas in the past. And it felt really meaningful to be invited to their family Christmas as well. Felix was full of energy as he got up.
It was a lovely, bright day outside. Snow was falling and coating the streets, the temperature was in minus degrees. Felix could’ve not been happier as he was getting ready, dressing warmly in a cute jumper to not freeze outside. Humming happily, he packed a few more things in his backpack before zipping it. He was taking everything he needed for the night with him already, since it would be easier if he didn’t need to come back home again after their date.
-
Felix closed the door behind him and frowned at his phone, Junseo’s messages had been really curt and unenthusiastic the whole morning. Felix had informed him that he was just leaving and all he got back was a “k”, no hearts, no nothing. It wasn’t like Junseo to text like that, especially since Felix had attached a kissy face and hearts on his message, usually Junseo at least sent a heart or another emoji back.
Felix just shrugged it off and pocketed his phone, he’d see his boyfriend soon enough and could ask if something really was bothering him. He skipped down the stairs and felt a spark of annoyance as he eyed the elevator, it was out of order, once again. They lived on the seventh floor, so a working elevator was more than helpful.
Travelling to the café they had agreed to meet at took him about half an hour. At first, he was supposed to go to Junseo’s and then they’d go out, but a few days ago Junseo had suggested that they meet in a café, something about Felix not having to travel so much when they would be going out straight away anyway. Felix wasn’t too keen on the idea, he’d have to carry all his stuff with him the whole day then, but he had agreed when Junseo had insisted it would be easier. His boyfriend really had been acting strange lately and Felix didn’t know what to make of it.
But now, Felix was just excited to see Junseo and get to spend Christmas with him. His spirits were up as he walked towards the café, he felt festive in the snowfall and Christmas lights. He could imagine getting a takeaway cup of hot chocolate and walking around with Junseo, holding hands and enjoying each other’s presence.
Entering the café, he scanned the place for Junseo, who he spotted in a corner table. Grinning widely, he made his way towards him, Junseo lifted his gaze from his phone just as Felix reached him.
“Hi, Lix,” Junseo said, giving him a smile that looked almost pained.
“Hi,” Felix breathed out and bent down for a kiss, which Junseo dodged and Felix ended up kissing him awkwardly on the cheek. He snorted, feeling a little pang of hurt in his chest, but didn’t comment on it.
“You haven’t ordered yet? I was thinking of hot chocolate to go, it’s the perfect weather for a hot drink and a stroll,” Felix started rambling and patted his pockets for his wallet.
“Yeah, uh, we should talk first,” Junseo said and Felix’s hand froze. He slowly sat on the seat opposite of Junseo.
“About?”
“Well, us,” Junseo said, his gaze not meeting Felix’s. Felix was starting to feel ill, Junseo’s weird behavior added to this could not mean anything good. Felix didn’t say anything, he just nodded, urging Junseo to continue. A long silence followed as Junseo seemed to think of what to say next. Felix only felt dread and anxiety fill his whole body.
“I’ve been thinking lately and, well, I think we should break up,” he finally said, eyes locking with Felix’s.
Felix felt like throwing up, Junseo’s words were like a slap to the face.
“Wh-what? No? Why? What?” he didn’t know what to say. He loved Junseo, Junseo loved him. Why would he say that?
“It just doesn’t feel the same anymore… And I think we should just move on, both of us.” Felix couldn’t believe this was happening.
“But… But I love you!” Felix said, desperation in his voice. Junseo looked away. “But… You don’t love me anymore…” Felix said, drifting off. The words were painful to say, and it hurt even more when Junseo looked back at him and Felix knew he was right.
“The feelings just are not there anymore, I’m sorry. I guess we weren’t meant to be,” he said. Felix couldn’t see well anymore, tears blurring his vision. He was losing his first love, his other half, his soulmate.
“No, I can do better. I promise, I’ll be better. I’ll be enough,” he said, the tears rolling freely down his face. He reached for Junseo’s hand on the table, but he pulled it away. Felix choked out a sob.
“It’s not that, Felix. You are enough the way you are, I mean it, but I just don’t want this anymore.”
“You… You don’t want me.” He tried to wipe away the tears, but they kept coming, and so did the sobs he desperately wanted to keep down.
“No, please. I don’t mean it like that. My feelings for you have changed and I just think it would make us both unhappy to keep trying.”
They sat there for what felt like hours, neither said anything anymore and Felix was just sobbing, trying to calm down. Junseo was avoiding his gaze and it hurt. It hurt so much.
“Do you have someone else?” Felix asked, the thought not leaving him alone. Junseo’s gaze snapped to him.
“No…” he said, but Felix could tell there was something more to it.
“You do.” He didn’t know how he could handle it if Junseo really had been seeing someone behind his back.
“It’s not like that. I have feelings for someone but I have not acted on them, I would never cheat on you.”
“So, you’re giving up on us just to shoot your shot? What if they don’t feel the same!”
“Felix, I don’t love you anymore, haven’t for a while. Even if my crush doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, I don’t want us to keep going, I would be happier single.” Every word Junseo said felt like a new stab to his heart. Junseo sighed and spared Felix one last look before getting up to leave.
“Please, can we remain friends, at least. Hang out sometimes?” Felix choked out, not wanting to let go.
“We don’t have to separate on bad terms, but I don’t think it’s wise we see each other,” Junseo said. “It’s just easier that way,” he continued and with that, he left.
Felix remained frozen in his seat. At some point he became aware of his surroundings again and realized the people in the café had seen everything. He was embarrassed but didn’t find it in himself to leave. The backpack on his feet felt mocking, reminding him how today was supposed to be a day full of happiness and love. Instead, here he sat, his heart broken and ripped out of his chest.
He had never been in a serious relationship before Junseo, and Junseo was his first everything, his first heartbreak now, too. They had been together for three years and it had always been wonderful, he had felt so loved and so full of love for his boyfriend, as well. But it was all gone now, in a matter of minutes Felix was alone. The thought of having no one by his side anymore sent another wave of tears down his cheeks.
“Hey, are you okay?” someone suddenly asked next to him, Felix flinched and looked up. It seemed to be one of the café employees, judging by the apron they were wearing.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I… I was just leaving. Yeah,” he rambled, his voice shaking. He didn’t give the employee time to speak again, speeding out of the café with backpack.
-
He didn’t know how, but he made it back home. The whole journey was just a blur of tears and hurt, and trekking up the seven floors of stairs felt like forever. He was now glad Minho and Hyunjin were not home, he wouldn’t want them to see him like this.
Like on autopilot Felix went to his room and stripped out of his clothes. As he pulled out the pajamas from his backpack, a present wrapped in a red paper fell out. His heart ached and his eyes were prickling with tears again. It was the gift he had for Junseo. He had bought him new Bluetooth earphones since his old ones were broken and he had been using some old, wired headphones for some time. In a burst of emotion, he grabbed the present the threw it out of his open door, he didn’t want to see it just to be reminded of Junseo.
He pulled on the pajamas and closed the curtains before climbing in the bed, under the blankets. He didn’t want to see the bright, beautiful day. He was miserable and heartbroken, but other than that, numb. It was weird, like he couldn’t feel anything but sadness and pain. Being alone, with no audience, under the blankets he finally let himself cry freely, not trying to hold back any of the tears or ugly noises.
He sobbed and sobbed, so much that he developed a throbbing headache. But he didn’t have the energy to even think about getting up and finding painkillers and water. He just wanted to lay in bed and never get up.
After the worst sobs were over, he pulled out his phone. He tapped on his and Junseo’s chat and started to scroll. Maybe he knew better than that, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stop going through their texts. The last few conversations were dry, and now Felix knew why. Junseo had most likely known they were going to break up. But once he got past the most recent ones, he got to the ones that hurt even more. The ones that were still full of love.
He burst into tears, once again, when he scrolled past a photo Junseo had sent.
This reminded me of us <3
It was a photo of two cats curled up together.
Hours later his eyes were so swollen from crying he could barely keep them open anymore, his head hurt, yet he couldn’t stop the tears. He finally put his phone away, turning it on silent since he really didn’t want anyone to contact him. He couldn’t pretend to be fine.
-
Felix didn’t know how much time passed, he slept, woke up, stared at the ceiling, cried a little. Then slept some more. He only got up when he had to desperately use the bathroom, which wasn’t often since he didn’t remember to eat or drink. He had lost his appetite and the thought of food just didn’t cross his mind. At some point though, he had to crawl out of bed to his backpack and search for the bottle of water he had there. The dry feeling in his mouth and throat was becoming unbearable and he just needed to drink. After that he climbed back to bed and drifted off to sleep. Secretly hoping he wouldn’t have to wake up anymore to face the bleak world, again.
-
“Felix, wake up.” Felix groaned, someone was calling his name and shaking him violently, pulling him out of his slumber.
“There you go. Can you hear me, Bokkie?” they asked, and Felix blinked his eyes open, squinting at the bright room. Someone had opened the curtains and turned on the light, as well.
His eyes landed on the person sitting on the edge of his bed, frowning. It was Minho. Hyunjin was standing next to the bed, a deep frown on his face, too.
“What happened?” Minho asked.
“What are you doing here? You weren’t supposed to come home yet?” Felix rasped, his mouth was dry, and he was confused. He could faintly remember that his roommates were supposed to be away until the New Year.
“It’s the 27th, and we came back early. Well, we were in Seoul, anyway, at Hyunjin’s-“ Minho said and Hyunjin cut him off.
“Everyone’s freaking out. You haven’t been answering any calls or texts in days. And you know, at first we thought you were with Junseo and didn’t have the time. But then your flight to Australia landed without you in it and everyone really freaked out, especially your family. And we came as quickly as we could. You look awful and wouldn’t wake up so, what the hell’s going on?!” Hyunjin rambled on, his voice becoming more hysterical by the second. The mention of Junseo’s name caused a flash of pain in Felix’s chest. But wait-
“It’s the 27th?! H-how?!” he was suddenly shaken out of the haze he’d been living in, it had been days since that dreadful meeting in the café. How?! He was supposed to be in Australia and, apparently, had completely missed his flight. Tears gathered in his eyes, his world really was collapsing. He couldn’t believe he had let himself miss the chance of seeing his family. Thus, only making his holidays even worse.
“Felix?” Minho said gently, moving the blankets away to be able to pull Felix up. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”
“J-Junseo and I… W-we broke up,” Felix managed to say before sobs tore out of his throat once more. His friends looked at each other in shock before Hyunjin sat down on the bed as well and they squeezed Felix between them.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. We’re here to listen if you want to talk,” Minho said.
The three of them just sat there as Felix cried. At this point, he thought he’d run out of tears, but no. Minho and Hyunjin were holding his hands, stroking his back, gently rocking them back and forth. Felix loved the touches, they were so comforting and, for the first time in days, he felt a spark of hope. Maybe it would be okay.
After a while, he finally opened his mouth. He told them what had happened, how Junseo didn’t love him anymore and wanted to move on. Pitifully adding how he already had someone else in sight. Minho and Hyunjin were mad, which Felix couldn’t relate to. He had only felt hurt and sad, and now he was too tired to feel any anger. What was there to be angry about, anyway? Maybe his timing and methods could’ve been better, but logically, Felix knew Junseo had done the right thing and his reasons were valid. It didn’t help lessen the pain, though.
“But it was a completely asshole thing to dump you on Christmas Eve,” Hyunjin said, seething with anger. “After he knew what you had to give up to be with him then.” Felix shrugged, Hyunjin was kind of right. He could’ve gone to Australia way earlier, could’ve spent longer time with his family. Could’ve been with is family on Christmas. Could’ve had a good Christmas.
They all jumped when a phone started ringing suddenly. Hyunjin quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and said “Chan” before answering. Felix leaned on Minho, who hugged him tightly as Hyunjin was seemingly trying to calm Chan down over the phone.
“Things have happened, but he’s fine.” Hyunjin glanced at Felix and added: “I mean, he’ll be fine… He’s not physically hurt.” Felix could hear Chan freaking out on the other end of the phone, barely giving Hyunjin space to talk.
“Just tell him,” Felix sighed and Hyunjin looked at him, unsure.
“Junseo dumped him, he’s a mess.”
In the end, Felix had to speak with Chan himself. The other was worried and ready to take the next plane back to Korea, Felix was definitely not allowing that. Once Chan was convinced that Felix would be fine with Minho and Hyunjin, he suggested that Felix called his mom. She was freaking out bad not having heard from Felix in days. So, Felix did call her.
It was painful to keep telling the same thing over and over again, having to relive their breakup. But he needed to tell them, he couldn’t lie, after all. It took a long while to reassure his mom that he was okay, that she did not need to come to Korea herself. Felix apologized for not coming to Australia this time, sobbing as he explained how he really wanted but it would be better not to. Finding a new flight would be hard and expensive, and since he had already wasted the money on his missed flights, he didn’t really have extra to spare. She understood, wanted to offer money too but Felix couldn’t accept it, he’d just feel guilty.
“Take care of yourself, let your friends take care of you too. I love you.”
“I will, and I love you too, mom,” he said, sniffling quietly.
-
“Here’s what we’re gonna do. First, you will eat something, then you’re taking a shower. And then, we’re going out, you need to get out of this stuffy apartment,” Hyunjin said. He and Minho had been appalled when Felix told them he really hadn’t moved from his bed the past few days. Thus, not having eaten and barely drunk anything. Minho had immediately gone to get him a bottle of water and some cookies from the kitchen.
“Out?” Felix asked, maybe going out was good. He had been staring at the same four walls for too long.
“Yeah, we’re gonna go… We’re gonna go ice-skating!” Hyunjin said, clapping his hands. Minho raised an eyebrow.
“None of us know how to skate.”
“Well, it’ll be a good learning experience then!”
He felt much better after eating and showering, like he had finally escaped some kind of depressing hole. He hadn’t even realized how gross he had been feeling until after showering and brushing his teeth. Now he felt refreshed in clean clothes and food in his stomach.
He also checked his phone for the first time in days, shocked at the number of texts and calls from his family and friends. He deleted the notifications and opened the chats without reading anything, there was just simply too many messages and they weren’t important anymore, anyway. It came to his mind that he should probably text his other friends he was okay, but it would only result in more questions and him having to explain everything all over again. He wasn’t ready for that, so he opted for just texting their groupchat he was alive and breathing and Minho, Hyunjin or Chan could explain further.
The chat was immediately flooded with texts and the love and support he got from Jisung, Seungmin, Changbin and Jeongin, without them even knowing what had happened, was overwhelming. He really had the best friends in the world. Hyunjin and Minho came to explain the situation and Felix ignored their messages, not wanting to read any of it, and only replied to the others sending him even more love. He had been so feeling so alone the past few days, like he had completely forgotten he had other people surrounding him who were there to support him.
“You ready to leave?” Hyunjin asked, emerging from his and Minho’s bedroom. Minho and Felix were sitting in the living room couch waiting for him to get ready.
“I swear this is a bad idea,” Minho mumbled as they got up.
-
Like Minho, Felix hadn’t been expecting much from their skating outing. None of them, indeed, knew how to skate and Felix’s mood was still so down he had thought the whole trip would be awful.
But it wasn’t.
Getting out of the apartment really did wonders, the air was crisp and fresh, lifting his mood and making him feel good. He was happy, really happy, for the first time in what felt like ages. Sure, it had only been a few days, but he had been so down, thinking he wouldn’t be happy ever again. But it was like his friends came and saved him. They cared for him so much, helping him forget even just for a little while. And truly, he did not think of Junseo once when they were out. He just laughed as Hyunjin busted his ass on the ice for the nth time and giggled with Minho as they took shaky steps on the ice, taking support from the walls of the rink.
In the end, none of them knew how to skate, still, but at least they had tried. Everyone’s asses and egos bruised they made their way out of the rink. They found a nearby restaurant and enjoyed a good meal together. Minho was already planning to go skating again, wanting to learn how to actually skate so he wouldn’t have to embarrass himself again when Hyunjin dragged him to a rink.
Later in the evening, Felix found himself wrapped in a blanket on their couch. The living room was dim, light coming from the TV and the candles Minho had lit around the space. They were planning on watching a movie, Hyunjin was making popcorn and Minho preparing some other snacks. Felix had wanted to help, but he had been put on couch duty because “someone needs to be in the room with the candles.”
Felix’s mind started drifting as he waited for his friends. The pain and hurt were still there, but it wasn’t as bad anymore. The pain wouldn’t go away right away, he was sure, but at least he knew he could manage with his friends by his side. He was dreading going to sleep, though. He didn’t want to be reminded of those awful days he spent crying curled up in his bed. He would surely not be able to get Junseo out of his mind and just end up crying again.
“Whatcha thinking?” Hyunjin asked, placing the popcorn bowl on the coffee table and popping a popcorn in his mouth. He sat on Felix’s left and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.
“Just… Everything. H-he was my first love, you know. First everything, and now I’m all alone. I just feel like I wasn’t good enough and I’m just unlovable,” he said, voice shaking. Hyunjin tightened his grip around him.
“No, Felix. You’re plenty enough and we all love you so much, you’re not unlovable. You’ll find someone who’ll love you more than he ever did, I’m sure. You deserve it,” Hyunjin said. Felix shrugged, he was afraid. How could he get in another relationship again when it would probably just end up like this one had?
“But also, it’s okay if you don’t want a relationship. It’s not a must, you know. Your friends and family love you so much and you’ll always have us,” Hyunjin said, as if reading Felix’s mind.
“Thank you, for being there for me,” Felix said, not knowing what else he could say. He was tearing up, feeling like he didn’t deserve all this.
-
After the movie, Felix only had to whisper how he was afraid of sleeping alone for his friends to pull him into their bed. Felix felt a little guilty clinging onto them like this, but he felt so safe and warm between them he didn’t have time to dwell on it.
He’d be okay.