Chapter Text
The brain erases memories of pain to protect itself. After the agony finishes soaring through every synapse and muscle of your body, the brain buries it in its memory with empty promises and false hope. So then when the source of your pain comes back around, you think, it wasn't that bad. I can handle it again.
So, you let it happen again. And again. And again. Until finally, it kills you.
....
It wasn't enough to see her for an hour. An hour dedicated to just her own pleasure. You were more than happy to have the chance to hear her moans and graze her skin. But that was all you were allowed. Just an hour of pleasure. Sometimes less. When her hands released your hair and her back lifted from the comfort of the sofa you knew the hour was over. The rock that dropped in your chest was heavy and unliftable as she raised from her seat and handed you a bag of coins. The round pieces of silver that clanked against the table reminding you that she wasn't here just for your company.
Left in an empty room, your mind wanders. It tries to connect itself to your body, unable to fuse its emotions to your movements. In the silence of the room, your thoughts echo inside of your head. Asking yourself questions you didn't want to answer.
Your lungs thrash, your mind twists inside of itself. You say you'll do different next time. But then next time comes, and she leans against the door with that sweet smile. Walking into the room as if she's forgiven herself for you.
And you think back to the last time you saw her, always leaving you with false hope of next Thursday. Except her last visit, where you watched her wordlessly leave the room after she was done taking from you. She didn't show up the following Thursday, no explanation, no reassurance.
She's done that before, leaving you hanging on her memory until she shows up again; her soothing voice shovels the memory of the pain deep in your mind. And her hands caress your skin, convincing you that she was worth it. Her love was worth burying your mind with dirt, slugging your body across the room to reach her once more. And the cycle repeats; an endless cycle that you didn't even know you were stuck in.
It was Thursday. The day Sevika usually came. But that really meant nothing, as it became apparent to you that Sevika didn't rely on schedules the way you did. To be honest, you hadn't really relied on schedules either until you noticed Sevika particularly liked to visit on Thursdays. Now your thoughts revolve around Thursdays. Tuesdays became two days before Thursdays. And Saturdays were just known as five days away from the next Thursdays.
But today was Thursday, and any minute from now you would be able to run your hands down her chest and bathe in her gentle but lethal presence. As you laid languidly in the room, facing up towards the ceiling, your chest began to cave. Each minute that you laid in wait fell heavy on your hopes.
Your chest was still bruised from her last visit two weeks ago, so the pressure of the weight stung even more. The image of her walking out without even one glance back at you played in your head, mocking you all over again.
You closed your eyes for just a second, trying to flush out the painful memory with the silhouettes of the dim lights against the back of your eyelids. Moments passed until you heard the thud of what sounded like Sevika's boots down the hall, causing your eyes to spring open. Your heart started to beat loudly, suffocating your lungs each time it pressed up against the bruise.
With each visit she pressed on the bruise so deeply, never giving it time to heal. The pain so pleasant in the moment however, that you didn't mind. You almost feared the day when the bruise healed, and she wouldn't be able to sink her fingers into it.
You stayed still against the sofa when the steps stopped. Afraid you had once again convinced yourself that she was there when in reality, she wasn't. After a moment of silence, you closed your eyes, face fallen as you refused to acknowledge what you thought was an empty room.
"Is that anyway to welcome a paying customer?" Sevika's voice rang through the air, her light teasing tone filling your ears. You turned your head from the ceiling, registering Sevika standing against the doorway. In her lips hung a cigar, unlit as she flipped the lighter cap in her fingers. You pulled your body off the sofa, feet padding lightly across the floor. You took her lighter in your hands, bringing it up slowly to her face before catching the edge of the cigar in the flame.
"I wasn't sure if you were coming." You answered, voice absent of all pain that still lingered in the bottom of your chest. She blew a puff of smoke through her nostrils, the cloud evaporating against your face.
"I'll always come for you."
There she went. Worming her way back into your mind and heart. She took her lighter back from your hands, pocketing it into her cape. As she straightened herself from leaning against the doorway, she unpinned her shawl, throwing it haphazardly on the stone statue by the door.
In the low light of the room her glossy eyes shined. She was so pretty. How could someone so pretty cause such pain. It wasn't even like she knew she was doing it, so you couldn't blame her. You could never blame her.
As she walked you backwards towards the sofa you felt nothing but bliss. Convincing yourself you had imagined all the pain and grief in your head now that she was standing here next to you. Her hand tipped your chin, her thumb caressing just under your bottom lip. You gazed up at her in admiration. She gazed back down at you with need. And you were more than happy to give.
She walked slightly past you to sit down, lap wide open as she leaned back and draped her arm across the back of the sofa. You followed her, caging her thighs with your legs. Your uniform left little to the imagination as Sevika's eyes trailed down your body. Oblivious, you watched her face. Admiring the small gap between her front teeth when she opened her mouth to blow a ring of smoke. While her hand wrapped slowly around your waist with sinful intentions, you gazed at the blue cracks in her cheek with wonder. The soft shimmer of the blue so captivating against her dark skin.
Her fingertips grazed the dip in your lower back; your fingertips brushed the short strands of her hair behind her ear. As she brought her hand back up to the cigar wedged in between her lips you deflated without her touch. She brought the cigar to your lips, watching closely as you inhaled and exhaled a cloud of smoke. A slight smile graced her face. You'd smoke a hundred cigars just to see her smile like that.
She withdrew the cigar, leaning forwards to stub it into the ashtray on the table behind you. As she leaned back into the sofa her hand rested on your lower back again.
"Can I do anything for you?" You asked, fingering a lock of her hair. You twirled it aimless around your index finger.
"Just sit there and look pretty." Sevika answered, her hand reached around the back of your neck. Her fingers quickly found the knotted ties that were holding your uniform up. With one swift movement she undid the knot, letting the small dress fall off your body. Her eyes trailed across your chest; breasts sitting softly against your skin.
Your hand released her strands of hair, understanding what Sevika was needing. You brought your hands down to the bottom of her shirt toying with the hem and just barely brushing your fingers against her toned muscles that peeked out. Her hand wandered down your neck, grazing your collarbones before stopping at your breast. You kept your eyes trained on her face, afraid that when she left you wouldn't remember what she looked like in this moment.
Her eyes concentrated on your chest, the difference in the nature of your gazes not even registering with you. You wanted to kiss her, her plump lips so inviting. But you knew better, she had a strict boundary with kissing.
The first time you met her you tried to kiss her, causing her to pull back and still her hand against your chest. When her face twisted, and she hardened her voice you paid close attention to every word she spoke.
"I have some rules."
You never tried it again.
You gasped as her fingers teased over your breast, squeezing and massaging the sensitive buds. She smiled at the way your chest rose as you moaned. As her hand continued to squeeze your breast, she dipped her head down to your other one. Enveloping her soft wet lips around the nipple and swirling her tongue delicately. She somehow always managed to move delicately, even her quick and rushed movements seemed graceful and soft.
Moans left your lips as you pretended just for a moment that you were hers. She certainly made you feel like hers. It was hard to separate the pretending in your head from the real life. Especially when she kept you teetering on the edge of satisfaction and longing.
Her hand left your chest, instead quickly unbuckling her belt and pants. As her lips separated from your breast for just a moment as she caught her breath, you sank to the floor. Your knees dug into the layered carpets. Your dress still pooled around your waist. She pushed her pants down, giving you a view between her legs. You could tell she was wet, the idea of you causing that reaction made your heart swell. Spreading her legs open was the only way you were allowed in. The only way you were able to get to know her. And you felt so lucky for that. Finding your way to her through her body was better than nothing.
You wrapped your hands around her thick thighs, fingers tracing small scars absentmindedly. She raised her hips to readjust her position, giving you more room to work. You closed your eyes, leaning forwards to lick at her swollen clit. As your tongue made its first movement, Sevika's head tilted back against the sofa.
She tangled her fingers in your hair, pulling at the roots. You let her push your head closer to her cunt, savoring the way she moaned loudly. You sucked lightly around her clit, trying your best to please her. That's all you ever wanted to do was please her.
You trailed one hand up the inside of her thigh, cautiously circling her hole with the pad of your fingertip. You were so aware of her movements, the straining of her abs, the deathlike grip on your hair. The way she tilted her hips up against your mouth. Noticing no negative reaction from Sevika, you edged one finger in, slowly moving it further inside of her. She was warm, and wet. And the sounds she made; they were sinful. You kept the steady pressure of your tongue at her clit, softly curling your finger upwards inside of her. Slowly, you added one more finger, sliding it in easily against the other one.
Sevika's stomach hardened, her chest filled with air as she gasped from the pleasure.
"There, don't move." She grunted above you. Upon her demand, you stilled your tongue, letting her grind against it as she came undone. Your fingers stilled, but they continued to curl forwards against her walls. Pressing them deep against her, in the same way she pressed her fingers into your bruised heart.
With each push of your fingers, she breathed heavier and heavier. As you felt a wave of wetness against your tongue, her hips fell back against the sofa. Her chest deflated and her fingers released the tension on your hair. You uncurled your fingers, bringing them slowly out of her. As you raised your face from between her legs you noticed she was staring heavy lidded down at you. Raising your fingers to your lips, you kept eye contact as you licked your own fingers clean.
Sevika closed her eyes and sighed heavily, the sight too much to handle. The strand of hair that you were playing with earlier flopped over her eyes. She puckered her lips, blowing a puff of air to move the hair out of her face.
You raised yourself up off your knees, reaching up to brush her hair behind her ear. This domestic like touch didn't go unnoticed by Sevika. Although deep down she yearned for it; surface level it annoyed her. She has told you before she can't do that; she can't tenderly lay with you in such a vulnerable state. She can't sincerely kiss your lips, no matter how much she ached for it.
The rules were there for a reason, she wanted to remind you.
But she didn't; she couldn't.
As your hand cradled her cheek, she furrowed her eyes. Frustration rising above her guilt as you continued to caress her skin, unaware of how far you were pushing her boundaries.
Your eyes wordlessly communicated to hers, the desire to be intimate with her pooling in your irises. Sevika took a deep breath, face softening just for a moment as she looked into your eyes. You glanced at her lips, wondering if you tried to kiss her again if she would have the same reaction. But before you could even attempt, Sevika pulled her face away from your grasp. Shaking your hand away and training her eyes anywhere but your face.
"You want something I can't give you." Sevika stated, eyes cold and unwelcome as she stared down at her lap. Her hands pulled her pants back up, swiftly buttoning them as the transaction was over.
You didn't want to accept that this was all you could ever be, just an appointment every Thursday. It was so close in your grasp, there was a way you could make it work. It was so vivid in your eyes, the two of you sharing a life together. Sevika seemed unable to understand your thoughts as she lifted herself up from the couch, shrugging your grasp off her thighs. She was slipping away faster than you could gather your thoughts to convince her to stay.
You watched in shock, unable to find the right words to make her stay. Deep down knowing there weren't any words strong enough to make her stay.
You shrunk to the floor, body twisting as your chest caved in. As Sevika dropped a bag of coins on the table your eyes burned with tears. The bitter taste of rejection forced itself down your throat. With a quivering lip, you contorted your face as you struggled to keep back your tears. Sevika walked over to grab her cloak, calmly wrapping it around her body and pinning it in place.
"Wait, your hour isn't over yet." Your voice slightly cracking with your attempt to make her stay.
With her body facing the doorway, she glanced back at you, watching the way your hands dug into the carpet and the way your stomach hollowed as you held back your tears.
"I'll be back next Thursday." Sevika stated, unable to give you much more solace as she knew that would break her. Choosing her own fragile walls over you instead.
As her footsteps receded down the hall you jumped up from the floor, eyes swelling with tears causing your vision to blur. You stopped at the doorway, watching her turn around the corner and out of the brothel. Your hands gripped the chiffon privacy curtain. Pulling the fabric taught in a ball. Just as a single tear slipped down your cheek, the woman who hired you walked past. Eyes falling in disappointment as she watched you silently cry.
She didn't stop. This wasn't something she could fix. You remembered what she said to you the very first day you started working.
"Don't get attached, they aren't here to fall in love."
When she said that you thought it was obvious. No one goes looking for love in a brothel. But now you knew what she meant. And you felt like an idiot. An idiot addicted to pain. Addicted to her pain.
With choked sob you pulled the curtain closed, the force of your push causing it swing in the air and screech against the metal bar holding it up. As you walked towards the sofa your eyes focused on the bag of coins waiting idle for you. Frustration filled your chest, causing you to swipe your hand against the table, sending the bag of coins sailing across the room.
The weight on your body pulled you down to the ground. You curled your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around your legs tightly. streams of tears soaked your skin as you stared numbly at the coins scattered across the floor. Salty tears ran down into your mouth as you sobbed in the empty room.
You replayed the last twenty minutes in your head, from start to finish trying to find out where you went wrong. As you watched Sevika walk out the doorway one more time in your head, you remembered what she had said before exiting the room.
"I'll be back next Thursday."
Next Thursday.
She'll be back next Thursday.