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Jaemin doesn't know how it got to this point, how it got this bad.
It shouldn't be happening in the first place. He shouldn’t feel like this. He had friends now, he had people to count on and people that could support him when his thoughts get this loud, but it seems like he can’t talk to anyone.
He remembers Jeno telling him that he’s not alone anymore, he remembers Donghyuck saying he’s there anytime he needs, he remembers Renjun’s comforting words and Mark’s warm hugs but he can’t reach them.
He has them, so why does he feel so lonely?
His small, cramped dorm room seems huge and Jaemin can’t help but feel heavy, old, feel like he's carrying all this weight on his shoulders and it's all bringing him down, and it keeps pressing and pressing and it’s heavier each second.
But how could that be? He has no major problems. He’s fine.
He is in university (not by choice), he’s passing his classes (despite having 0 to no motivation to even attend them), he has a nice group of friends (that he recently met), his parents (although are not the most loving) care for him, he’s not broke, or starving or being abused. He’s fine.
Everything in his life is more than okay, so why does it suddenly feel this heavy?
Jaemin lies down in his twin-sized bed, curling up to himself. Maybe if he makes himself smaller, maybe if he holds himself a little tighter then his feelings will keep in place, won’t jump around, maybe his head will stay still.
His phone buzzes, the light shines bright and illuminates the dark room and his dark thoughts. A text? Someone, to help him stay put together?
He reaches forward and sees Jeno’s picture along with a text message, asking him how his day went, saying he saw a cat on his way home and that it made his day.
These feelings are bittersweet, they’re selfish and they’re eating Jaemin from inside out. He feels guilty. It’s terrible.
Jeno’s happy and that makes him feel upset. Why is he upset?
Of course, Jeno should be happy, of course, he should have a good day and see as many cats as it's physically possible, he loves cats! He loves Jeno! So why is Jaemin feeling like this? Wicked, selfish, guilty.
He simply replies that his day was okay, no usual cute emoticons that he likes to send, no further explanation. It’s like his mind can’t even keep up with pretending he’s fine.
He’s so tired.
But it was okay, his day was okay, he barely did anything. Jaemin couldn’t get out of bed for the morning, he only managed to do so at 3 pm and only to have lunch because he knew he needed some nutrients in his body. Then we went back to bed, body limp and weak. Much later after forgetting he’s real for a few hours, he managed to go grab a snack from the vending machine downstairs and that’s it, that’s his day. Nothing bad happened, nothing happened at all. Jaemin has no reason to feel like this.
Minutes go by and he stares at his phone. His chest felt like he was expecting something, was expecting Jeno to notice he wasn’t texting like usual, to notice something was wrong, to reach out so Jaemin wouldn't have to be the one to do it. He doesn’t know how to do it .
But it never comes.
It’s bittersweet, it’s selfish, and it keeps eating him up.
Of course, Jeno doesn’t know he's feeling like this, how could he? Jeno can’t read his mind, can’t predict his feelings. Jeno is just a friend who is trying to talk to a friend, if he gets a dry response like Jaemin sent of course he’s going to assume Jaemin doesn't want to talk to him, not the opposite.
The blue-haired boy throws his phone away.
It’s too much and too little at the same time.
He’s overwhelmed and wants to disappear, but he wants to have someone and be there, be present.
It’s bittersweet , it’s selfish . The thoughts consume him and he can’t do anything to stop them.
Why isn’t Jeno here? Why doesn’t he get it? Is he really my friend? Does he even care? Was it all a lie? Is he like the rest of them?
It’s bittersweet. He knows Jeno cares but it feels like he doesn’t.
Jaemin thought that after he ditched his old friends, things would get better, he wouldn't feel like this again.
Alone, hopeless, selfish .
But here he is, it’s like time never went on. The clock stopped and he’s still the same boy with sad eyes and tired smiles he was all those months ago. Nothing changed. Those acts of kindness they showed him mean nothing, the sweet gestures, the laughter, the hugs, the defining of the word friendship, it’s all a lie, at least it seems like one to him.
Thought after thought after thought. They keep running and jumping around like they have a place to be but nothing makes sense to him, not even himself feels real anymore. Is he?
He isn't. This doesn’t feel real anymore.
His body is light and he feels like he’s floating. At least it doesn’t feel heavy anymore.
Though his chest is still tight, suffocating even.
He feels like crying and hates himself for it. Always the cry baby, crying every time something minimal happens, not being able to control his tears whenever someone upsets him. It was one of the things he hated the most about himself, the list was long, endless, but crying would make it to the top if he had to.
Jaemin is tired, he’s so tired. He wants to stop feeling like this; he wants it to be over.
Why is every day pointless? Why does it hurt more and more? How come things only get worse?
But he doesn’t have a bad life. He’s selfish, he’s wicked, he’s a bad person. Someone has bigger problems than him, why is he making a big deal out of feeling alone? Maybe there’s someone who really wishes to be alone right now but can’t. He should be happy, he should feel content and fulfilled with the life he has.
But he can't. He can’t force these thoughts out and he can’t control them.
Jaemin tugs at his own hair, maybe that will pull the thoughts away? He doesn’t know anymore, he just wants it to stop.
He’s close to hitting his own head when he hears a knock on the door. It shrieks and it's loud and it makes him want to scream because it's too much, but it's not enough at the same time. It doesn't feel real .
So he decides it isn't and ignores it.
But the knock continues, despite Jaemin’s frustrations.
He needs to see someone, he doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to see anyone, he wants to be left on his own. It's confusing and it’s selfish and Jaemin wants to cry even more.
The knocking doesn't stop and the boy forces himself to get up and open the damn door so he can shoo whatever person decides to show up on his doorstep.
Except he doesn’t get to do it, because as he opens the door he’s met with a tall figure, cafe apron and fluffy blonde hair. Jeno .
But how? Why?
“H-”
“Nana? What’s wrong?” the boy surges into the apartment, quickly pulling Jaemin into a hug.
Normally Jaemin would love hugs, especially from Jeno, but today his skin feels like it's on fire and he wants him away .
"Let go… please,” his voice is small but Jeno seems to hear it, as he immediately lets him go as if he was burning.
“Shit sorry. I should’ve asked-” Jeno starts to freak out. It’s nothing new, he does it a lot, Jaemin is used to it, he usually even tries to help, but he can’t and he feels so fucking guilty because of it. What kind of friend is he if he can’t put his own feelings aside for Jeno? “You just looked so gone and I wanted you to know I’m here! I should’ve asked first.”
“What?”
“What’s wrong, Nana?” Jeno gets closer again, but this time he doesn't touch him. “Why are you sad?”
“I-I’m not,” it’s true, he’s not sad. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling and he wishes he could have an easy and simple answer for Jeno. Why is he feeling like this anyway? What triggered it?
“Then what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know what's wrong! That’s what!” he yells out.
He didn’t mean to, he seriously didn’t, yelling is something he rarely does and to have done it to Jeno, someone who is here and just trying to help him? Selfish . Jaemin is just selfish.
“I’m sorry,” he tries again, in a lower voice. “I didn’t mean to yell- Please don't be-”
“It’s okay.”
“Huh?” he blinks. He just yelled at him when all Jeno did was try to help, why isn’t he mad? Why isn’t he yelling back?
“It’s okay,” Jeno smiles sweetly at him and that light prying away all the dark thoughts is back again. Jaemin almost sighs out of relief, Jeno is not mad. “I don't mind. Just do whatever would help you feel better. Do you want to scream? Do you want to cry? Do you want to hit something?”
“I don’t know?”
“What would you like to do?”
“I want to stop thinking.”
“Let’s do that then.”
“How?”
Jeno claps his hands together. “Distractions of course. If you’re doing something else the thoughts will go away for a while. Not forever, but for now.”
“Now is good.”
“Then let’s focus on the present, right?” the blonde boy brings his hand up but quickly stops. “Sorry. Can I touch you?”
“Not right now,” Jaemin bites his lip nervously. He can’t help but feel guilty, Jeno is here trying to help him but all Jaemin does is push him away.
“That’s okay, thank you for telling me,” Jeno smiles sweetly and looks down at a paper bag on the floor. Was he holding a bag when he came in? Jaemin didn’t even notice. “I got a few leftovers from the cafe, including those chocolates mini cakes that you like, so I thought I’d bring them to you?”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Only if you want of course. If you want to be alone I can just drop these and leave-”
“No, please. Don’t leave,” he reaches a hand forward and grabs Jeno’s arm.
Jeno shakes his head. “It’s okay, Nana. I won’t leave if you don’t want me to.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. It’s okay. I know your brain is telling you all sorts of bad things but none of it is true okay?”
Jaemin nods, he can’t do much else. Everything still feels like it’s too much and not enough at the same time.
It’s bittersweet to have his brain calling him all sorts of names, but Jeno saying the complete opposite. He doesn’t know who to believe. Himself? Jeno?
“We all feel bad sometimes. We don’t even need a reason, sometimes that’s just how it works. I know how it is, and I need you to know that it’s okay.”
“But how? I don’t have it bad, I shouldn’t feel like this!”
Jeno sighs. “Nana… Nana, look at me,” Jaemin does as he is told. “Just because people have it worse, or because other people are suffering, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be hurting too. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else’s and you have the right to be upset. Okay?”
“I’m so tired.”
“I know Nana, I know,” Jeno gently closes the door behind them so it doesn’t make a lot of noise.
“I want it to stop.”
“And it will, alright? We’ll find a way to make it stop.”
It’s bittersweet, Jaemin thinks. He’s not alone anymore, but it still feels lonely. How will he fix this? How can he even begin to try and fix this? Even with Jeno right there next to him, it seems impossible.
He’s so tired.