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"This is an affront to all Stoneborn!"
"Hush, my dear general," Theotar said. "You look delightful!"
Renathal covered his mouth before Draven could see him laugh. Theotar and the Maw Walker hung another flower chain over his drooping wings. Vrednic lay next to him, gnawing his own flowers and dribbling on the stones. Renathal crouched to scratch him under the chin.
"Surely you're wearing a shirt," the Countess said.
Theotar harrumphed. "I shall be wed in all my glory!"
"There are going to be pictures."
"All the more reason to forego such fripperies. My dearest?" Theotar turned to Renathal. "Will you be wearing a shirt?"
"I'd planned to, yes. It is Court, after all."
"You're no fun. Perhaps I ought to marry our mortal fri---"
"Touch her and die," Agohn said, crouching to wrap flowers around Draven's ankles. Theotar squeaked and hid behind Draven. Renathal had to turn away, laughing so hard he went silent.
"I think shirts should be optional for everyone," the Maw Walker said. "It's freeing."
"Thank you, my dear," Theotar said. "Though, erm, you'll forgive me if I look away. Manners, you know."
"You mean tits."
"Manners. Something you could do with!"
Agohn snorted. "Good luck. If my mother can't beat them into her, you don't stand a chance."
"Oh! Has nobody living got manners any more? In my day---"
"In your day, Sylvanas Windrunner was Sylvanas Breezetoddler."
Draven burst out laughing. Theotar scoffed. He took Renathal's elbow and looked up at him. "They're making fun of me. Surely you can defend my honour."
"They've got a point. You have been here for a while."
"I see, it's let's-tease-Theotar day. Perhaps I ought to run away to Ardenweald. Moonberry appreciates me."
"You are ridiculous." Grinning, Renathal leaned down and kissed him. Theotar returned it. "Better?"
"I suppose. You oughtn't even see me before the ceremony."
"I saw all of you this morning," Renathal murmured.
"We heard that!" the Maw Walker said as Draven said, "By the Maw, get a room!"
"Are they always like this?" Agohn said.
"Nah," the Maw Walker said. "They get worse."
"Why did you invite me, again?"
Renathal chuckled and took Theotar's hand. "Shall we go for a walk? Leave this lot to their squabbles?"
"A walk, or something else?"
Renathal sighed. "You will be the final death of me."
"Best to die happy."
"Incorrigible." Renathal kissed Theotar's hand and pulled him towards the stairs to the surface. In the night, the dredgers (he supposed) had festooned every wall with roses, swaths of fabric, and the most awkward, irregular paper chains he had ever seen. "At least everyone is getting in the spirit of things."
"Of course they are! How long has it been since we've had a royal wedding?"
"I don't think we've ever had one. Not an official one."
"Precisely!" Theotar settled closer as they walked up the stairs. Renathal put his arm around him. "This is the social event of the century! We'll have complete strangers hovering about on their sweet little pets, blocking out the light!"
"Erm."
"Picture it! All the lovely shadows, the chatter at inopportune moments, the Maw Walker shouting, 'Use your tongue!'"
"Are you sure you don't want to elope?"
"Of course I am! I wouldn't have it any other way."
"You're very lucky you're cute."
Theotar grinned, anima lighting his skin. "I'm cute?"
"Don't push it."
Theotar laughed. Renathal could hear him laugh forever. They gazed at each other. Theotar leaned up to---
"'Eads up!" Gubbins barrelled between them with half a dozen bolts of black silk. He ran into the mirror to the surface.
"You're certain about eloping," Renathal said.
"And disappoint everyone? My prince." Theotar kissed his cheek. "Besides, Mina's coming. Picture the look on her face when we toast her in front of everyone."
Which was a very good argument in favour of the ceremony.
#
"Oh, dear. This is not quite what I had in mind."
Renathal looked around at the nightmare of paper chains, roses wilting in the Ember heat, and an army of mismatched silk swags hung on any surface that held still long enough (including several Stoneborn). All the stone fiends wore party hats like Temel's, and the Lost Chalice Band--not his first choice--was doing sound checks loud enough to shake the crumbling tower. Theotar had gone to change his clothes, which left no-one to fix things.
Perhaps letting the Maw Walker be their wedding planner had been a touch hasty.
"Hey," the agent of chaos herself said. "Bend down, Your Royal Da--Highness."
"I already know you call me that." Renathal bent, very much against his better judgement. The Maw Walker crammed a flower wreath atop his head. "What are you doing?"
"You look like you're going to battle. It's a wedding, not a desperate coup in a tenuous rebellion."
"This is my best armour!"
"And you wear it every week! Theotar has new trousers. You could bother to make an effort, Your Predictableness."
"I brushed my hair." Renathal looked around. "At least the guests haven't begun arriving. Oi! Careful with that! We had it brought from Orgrimmar!"
Agohn, Cudgelface, and Picky Stefan hauled cake tiers like siege engine wheels across the grounds. The Maw Walker waved to Agohn. "You're doing great, sweetie!"
"I did not sign up for this!"
"Oh, come on. I said I'd take you to the Maldraxxi fungal forest. You'll love it!"
"Oops," Cudgelface said.
"I heard that!" Renathal craned his neck to see how bad the destruction was. Cudgelface picked up his cake tier and ran.
Renathal sighed. They should have eloped. Even Mina's rage could not make up for the day so far, and it wasn't even noon.
#
"What do you mean, this is all you've got?"
Renathal shifted his weight and folded his arms. "I've got my armour."
The Maw Walker huffed and flicked through his wardrobe. "Two shirts. Two pairs of trousers. Absolutely no formal wear!"
"I was wearing it before you dragged me down here!" Renathal rubbed his ear where she had grabbed him. "I could bar you from my realm, you know."
"Mm-hmm." The Maw Walker pulled a T-shirt from the back of the wardrobe. "Erm. How drunk were you when you got this?"
"The Stonewright gave it to me."
"'I Started A Revolt Against My Dad And All I Got Was Psychological Trauma'?"
"I think it was revenge for revealing her and Lizzie."
"That's fair." She dropped the shirt on the floor and pulled herself onto the upper shelf.
"Please don't break my furniture."
"I know for a fact this thing can support Theotar."
Renathal stared. "How do you know that?"
"Tubbins."
"I see." It was time to have a little chat with the dredgers.
The Maw Walker dug through the boxes Renathal kept in strict order on the shelf, opened each one, and threw each pressed, folded item to the floor. Renathal gripped his face.
"How exactly did you convince your lovely wife to marry you?"
"I make a damn good Gilnean goulash."
"What in the Maw is goulash?"
Oh, dear. That grin. The one that promised an unforgettable experience (at least, unforgettable without help from Bastion).
"Can you get Worgen meat here?" the Maw Walker said.
"... No."
"Damn. It's not the same without the gaminess."
"Please don't gut and butcher me, Maw Walker."
"Why would I do that? You guys are stringier than violins."
"How do you--don't answer that."
"It's not my fault Denathrius has no culinary sense--ah-ha!"
Renathal barely caught the box that slammed into his chest. He peeked inside. "Oh, no. Not this."
"It's perfect!"
"It was for Hallow's End!"
"What were you?" The Maw Walker jumped down. "A butler?"
"A secret agent, if you must know."
"Like Jooms Bomb? The goblin super-spy?"
"... No."
The Maw Walker shrugged. "I prefer Blohard myself."
She would. Of course she would.
She took the box from his arms despite his best efforts to keep hold of it, and shook out the black suit folded inside. "There we go! This, pull your hair back---"
"You're not touching my hair."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pleeease?"
"No."
"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"
"I will fling you into the Maw."
"Ha. Those threats don't mean anything!"
Renathal rubbed his temples. Perhaps reality as they knew it wasn't so much to lose. After all, if only one lunatic stood between the world and destruction, was it really worth keeping?
The Maw Walker stuffed the suit into Renathal's arms. "You get dressed. I'll wait outside. Don't mess up your flower crown. It took me an hour to make the gorm goo stick."
"The what?"
But she was already out the door.
Renathal considered screaming into his Hallow's End costume. He could burn the thing and claim it was an accident. At the thought of getting married in a bloody T-shirt, however, he set to unbuckling his armour.
Fifteen minutes later, he made a face at himself in the mirror. All he needed was a dry martini and a goblin mask, and he would be right back at Hallow's End. He brushed his hair, and was just putting his shoes on when the Maw Walker opened the door at the same time that she knocked.
"Dressing!" Renathal said.
"You have trousers on--whoa." She stopped, staring, her eyes so wide one threatened to pop out. She stuffed it back in its socket. "Hot damn. You, er, you, er...."
"You're married."
"Details." The Maw Walker walked a circle around him. "Yeah, this should work just fine."
"Can't I please wear my armour? You never know when there's going to be a fight."
The Maw Walker waved her enormous staff. "That's what the wedding planner's for."
"To start a fight?"
"Oh, wow, look at the time. You need to get up there!"
Why, oh, why was Theotar so set against eloping?
The Maw Walker stuffed the gorm-y wreath back onto his head. "Ready to get hitched? First thousand years are the hardest."
"Have you got the rings?"
"I think Gubbins does. I gave them to a dredger, anyway."
Renathal closed his eyes. The Maw Walker tugged his lapel.
"Hey. Look at me."
Against his better judgement, he did.
"Gubbins has them. Or Tubbins. Or maybe Bubbins. Can ghosts hold things? Anyway, they're safe, and everything is going to be fine. All right? Give us a smile, Your Royal Handsomeness."
Renathal did. The Maw Walker squealed and hugged him. "I'm making goulash for your first anniversary!"
"Please don't."
"Nope. You'll love it." She grabbed his hand and dragged him from the room, and through his private mirror to Sinfall proper.
Princeguards stood around talking on the stairs, covered in flowers. The jerked to attention when they saw him. One peered.
"Your Royal Darkness? Are you dressed as Jooms Bomb?"
"... No."
The guards looked at each other. "Is this a costume wedding? Is that why we're all dressed like rose bushes?
"Please direct any and all questions regarding your attire to the Maw Walker. Who is dressed like she always is." Renathal stared. "You're not seriously wearing that. You look like an enormous bat."
"This armour is one hundred percent made in Sinfall."
"You wouldn't let me wear armour!"
"I'm already married!"
"I'll be married in an hour!"
"Not my problem!"
Renathal rubbed his eyes. "I need a martini."
"Told you it's a costume wedding," a Princeguard said.
"Enough!"
The Princeguards went still in the echo of Renathal's shout. Renathal paced, his hands behind his back.
"This is my bloody wedding day. I would like a say in one thing. One bloody thing! And that is, this is not a costume wedding! If you have any sort of issue, the bloody irresponsible wedding planner, the idiot who's supposed to save all our arses from certain destruction, is standing right here! Take it up with her! I am going to find the bar, and I am getting ready for my own bloody fucking wedding my own way!"
He stormed up the steps. "Touchy," a Princeguard said.
"He's right," the Maw Walker said. "I am an idiot. Sorry, Your Royal Darkness."
Renathal stopped. He sighed and turned to face her.
"Do you want a drink? I really want a bloody drink."
The Maw Walker nodded.
Five minutes later, the Maw Walker handed him something called a margarita. It had a kick.
#
"Wow, I didn't think anyone could put margaritas away better than me," the Maw Walker said, right before Renathal stood up and his head turned inside-out.
"You all right, guv?" Cudgelface said.
"This was a very bad idea."
"You'll be fine." The Maw Walker steadied Renathal. Despite being even smaller than Theotar, she showed no sign of inebriation. "Do you need a bucket?"
"Be right back." Cudgelface shambled off. Renathal sat with a groan and gripped his head.
"I'm getting married in twenty minutes. The guests are already arriving!"
"You're relaxed now."
He looked up at the Maw Walker. "You are the worst thing that's ever happened to me."
"That's what Agohn says, too. You get used to it."
"By the dark." Renathal put his head on his folded arms to make it stop swimming. "Theotar's going to kill me."
"Hey. No. No. Bad prince."
"I am not a dog."
"You look like a hound in that suit."
"... I don't want to know. Oh, thank you," he said, taking a bucket from Cudgelface. He put it over his head. "This is terrible. This is the worst thing that could ever happen."
"I think that would be Denathrius crashing your wedding."
"As soon as I'm married, you are going into the Maw."
"How about I make you some tea? That sound good? It'll clear your head."
Renathal nodded, face in his arms and the bucket shifting against the back of his neck. The Maw Walker patted his shoulder. He closed his eyes and---
"There you are!" the Accuser said. "We've been looking for you for forty minutes! We were about to organize a raid!"
"Wha?"
"Oh, for the sire's sake. You're drunk."
"Maw Walker."
The Accuser sighed and lifted the bucket. Renathal cringed from the light. She stuck a parasol over his head and tutted. "Get up, have some anima, and walk about for a moment. You'll be fine. Poor Theotar is a wreck!"
"What?" Renathal sat up, squinting. "Where is he?"
"Downstairs, petrified you've run off."
"Bloody fuck." Renathal stood. His head kept rising without him, but he got his senses well enough and set for the stairs.
Any number of guests sat or strolled around the Ember Court. "Jooms Bomb!" Valad said, hugging his stupid stamp collection to his chest. "Was this fancy dress?"
Renathal ran down the steps as well as he could and through the mirror. Just inside, Theotar slouched on the wall over the great pit that was Sinfall, next to Lizzie and the Stonewright. The twin flower wreaths on his hair sat at crooked angles, and his white trousers bunched around his thighs. He looked up, and took a sharp breath.
"My prince."
Renathal hugged him. "I'm sorry. The Maw Walker made something called a margarita. I think I fell asleep."
"You drank something she gave you?" Lizzie said.
"First and last time." Renathal kissed Theotar's head. "I'm sorry. This entire day has been a madhouse."
"You're here now. That's all that matters." Theotar cupped Renathal's cheek. "I'm starting to wish we had eloped."
Renathal slumped. "You couldn't have said that yesterday?"
Theotar huffed and kissed him. "It's too late now. And we're being very rude, keeping our guests waiting."
"We're not fashionably late?"
"Fashionably late was twenty minutes ago."
Renathal chuckled and nuzzled Theotar's head. "Come on---"
Gubbins stuck his head through the mirror. "Er, guv? We got a little problem upstairs."
#
"Little problem" might have been an understatement.
"My son!" Denathrius threw his arms wide. "Oh, if I'd known this was fancy dress, I'd have worn something different!"
Renathal rubbed his eyes. It had to be the margaritas. It had to.
Theotar clutched his arm. "You, get out of here!" He waved Denathrius off. "You are not allowed to do this, not today! Not ever!"
Not the margaritas.
What a day to be without armour.
"Leave, Denathrius." Renathal stepped closer. "You have no right to be here."
"Come now. What would I be if I missed my firstborn's wedding? And to the one he's loved for so very long."
"You knew?"
"I'm not stupid, no matter what you think of me."
Renathal looked at Theotar, then at the assembled guests. Any number nodded or shrugged. Valad gave him a thumbs up.
Hunh.
So much for subtlety.
"Sorry, sorry. I couldn't find the tea things." The Maw Walker came running with a teapot in her hand. She jerked to a stop. "You!"
"Ah, Maw Walker." Denathrius bowed. "You were there when I was thrust into my sword."
"I'll give you a thrusting." She set down the teapot and took up her massive staff. "En garde!"
Denathrius chuckled and flicked the staff from her hands. "Do you really think such a pitiful creature could best me?"
The Maw Walker squeaked. Fred, her demon, hovered behind her, as unimpressed as ever.
"My dear, let me." Theotar untangled himself from Renathal's grip. Renathal reached for him, but Theotar stepped aside. "Sire Denathrius! Forgive my rudeness. This is an unexpected pleasure."
"Theotar. He's still robbing the cradle, I see."
"I am not!" Renathal said, but Theotar shushed him.
"Can't we be civilised?" Theotar picked up the Maw Walker's teapot. "Would you care for some tea?"
Denathrius narrowed his eyes. "You do have excellent tea."
"Wonderful!" Theotar looked around and snatched a cup from a table. He filled it and offered it to Denathrius. "A wedding day truce, so to speak."
"Well. All right." Denathrius took the cup. "Cheers."
"Cheers!"
"L'chaim?" the Maw Walker said.
Denathrius smirked and sipped his tea. "Oh. Spicy. I like it." He necked back the full cup. "Oh, that's very good."
Theotar refilled the cup. As he did, Denathrius turned ashen.
"Hang on. What's going on?" Denathrius looked at his hands. His stiffening hands. Theotar snatched the cup just before Denathrius's fingers could turn to stone. Denathrius looked around. "What have you done to me?"
"Oh, no," the Maw Walker said. "What did I put in there?"
A terrible crunching filled the air as Denathrius tried to run. He froze in mid-step, every bit of him turning to grey rock. Theotar stepped back, smirking.
"She makes really good goulash," Agohn said in the silence.
Someone coughed.
Denathrius tipped and shattered.
#
"... And I promise never to feed you anything the Maw Walker has made," Theotar said.
"It's all right, sweetie." Agohn patted the Maw Walker's back. "I know you didn't mean to brutally murder anyone."
The Maw Walker whimpered and hid her face in her hands.
Renathal grinned. He had grinned ever since Denathrius got swept up and thrown off the side. From a box on Vrednic's collar, he took the smaller of the two rings and slid it onto Theotar's finger. Theotar's anima rose, and he kissed Renathal. Very well.
"Use your tongue!" the Accuser called.
Renathal flipped her a rude gesture and bent Theotar back to kiss him properly. Theotar whimpered and held on with all his limbs. Temel cleared his throat.
"The Officiant Herald would like to finish the wedding before we get to the wedding night!"
Renathal laughed, as did Theotar. Theotar unwound himself--Tubbins and Gubbins adjusted their parasol to keep him shaded--and took the second ring. Renathal quivered all over as Theotar slid it onto his finger. His grin widened.
"Anyone got a problem?" Temel said.
Everyone looked at Lady Mina, who sank in her chair.
"Well, I guess that's official. Stoneborn, fleshies, mucks, and fangs, I present to you His Royal Darkness, Prince Renathal, and His Royal Teaness, Prince Consort Theotar."
Amidst applause and whoops and the Accuser's, "Took them long enough," Renathal picked Theotar up and spun him around. And kissed him. And kept kissing him.
And kept kissing him a little longer, to which Theotar most enthusiastically complied.
#
There was music, which nearly toppled the tower; and there was cake, complete with a print of Cudgelface's cudgel face; and there was tea, though not from the pot the Maw Walker made. Bubbins and some of the stone fiends made a game of throwing stray bits of Denathrius at the decorations. Vrednic fell asleep on the dance floor, which led to a few people tripping, though Vrednic snored on. Waking him, after all, was like waking a stone.
"How are you, my prince?" Theotar pressed his forehead to Renathal's as they danced metres above the ground. "Happy?"
"Very."
"No regrets?"
"Apart from the wedding planner?" Renathal glanced at the Maw Walker, who danced on the ground with Agohn, their foreheads pressed together, Agohn's sparkly red dress a strange contrast to the Maw Walker's bat-like armour. "I don't think I even regret that terrible decision."
"She's not planning our anniversary."
"Ah, no. No, she is not."
"Though I would like to try her goulash. Agohn says it's Gilnean!"
"I wouldn't if I were you."
"It's not as though she's cooking peo--she's cooking people."
"Don't think about it."
"Then what should I think about?" Theotar kissed Renathal's ear. "The wedding night, perhaps?"
"Mmm." Renathal dipped him. "I'd say the day is definitely looking up."