Work Text:
The end of Tadano’s world starts inconspicuously.
Just seven words on a leaf of lined paper:
“I’ve finally gotten myself a cell phone.”
(Eh? Now she has a phone?)
“So that means, you didn’t have one before now,” he pauses, “a phone, I mean.”
Komi-san stares at him for a second before nodding softly. Her chest deflates with a sighing hum and her back bows as she scribbles out a new message.
“I didn’t have any use for one,”
A pang runs through his chest.
(I’m so sorry…)
The notebook flips back up under her chin.
“but now I have use for one.”
“Thanks to you, now I have a lot of friends.”
Komi-san averts her eyes, shy at her boldness.
He could cry from how she’s grown comfortable enough to write even that.
He wants to cry, given how much Komi-san matters to him.
How much Komi-san makes him feel like he matters.
Komi-san flips the page and he snaps back to focus, shoving his thoughts down for later.
“So, this…”
Komi-san places the notebook down gently, her pencil already skating across the page. He watches as her thoughts take form; the script is elegant and precise, yet she writes them in the center of the page.
He wants to smile.
Komi-san is so careful in her schoolwork—the strokes of her kanji are flawless and not a single character can be found out of line; although her handwriting remains largely the same, it’s only when she’s communicating with others that her writing expands this large. It’s a wonderful thing, seeing her so unrestrained. He hopes she can show this side of herself to her friends more ofte—
Komi-san’s writing stops.
He freezes.
A delicate pause. A hesitant glance. A scribble.
Komi-san holds up her notebook.
Just more bashful shyness.
(false alarm)
He breathes out slowly.
(But why the pause…?)
“Now I want to know my friends’ phone numbers…”
“I see.”
(I wonder why...)
He makes to stand up.
(...she’s looking at me like that.)
(did i forget something?)
“If that’s the case, let’s ask Najimi and Agari-san together then.”
Komi-san gasps. She stares at him, only to rotate stiffly in her chair and look down; midnight fringe sinking to cover chocolate eyes. A shadow is cast across her face and her eyes linger downwards.
He can feel his shoulders begin to tighten. He forces them to halt.
(was it something i did?)
Komi-san starts writing again, her pencil etching away on paper.
(Today, she’s been writing more than usual…)
Komi-san’s pencil clicks as she deposits it on the desk.
(was it something i said?)
He stares at her. He can’t move his lungs.
She scoops up the book and her head swivels towards him with her usual grace. Komi-san gazes over at him; her message obscuring half of her face.
Just the same as before.
He holds his sigh of relief to himself.
He reads her message.
“I already depended a lot on you. Tadano-kun.”
“This time, I will do my best.”
(Komi-san…!)
His stomach churns violently. He’s so proud of her.
At what point—
at what point did she depend on him today?
(Look at you now…!)
He’s confused, what did he do to earn her praise?
and how can he do it again?
His eyes well up as he looks on. Soon enough, Komi-san won’t need Tadano Hitohito anymore.
No, no, nonono, it’s only been five days
Soon enough, she’ll be able to make friends on her own.
he’s finally useful, he finally matters to someone
He scrubs his face, pressing hard against his eyes. He pushes his face into a fond smile.
(doesn’t that mean anything? why would you take this from me?)
He needs to help Komi-san prepare.
he needs to have more time, just a little more
There are so many emotions bubbling up inside of him. He almost feels like barfing.
he’s never wanted anything else so badly
He’s so worried for her. What would happen if she failed?
(please pleasepleasepleasepleaseohgodsplease —)
But this is fine, right?
(i’m begging you)
He should let her attempt this by herself.
(please, just let me help you—)
It would be fine, right?
(PLEASE—)
(can’t i have this? just this once?)
(it wouldn’t be fair to Komi-san, taking this away from her.)
All of his thoughts die as he watches her get up from her seat. He follows her absentmindedly.
(Ah)
He’s standing. His feet won’t move. Komi-san turns towards Najimi and he watches.
(So this is what grief feels like.)
Komi-san turns her back to him.
It feels like something in him has died.
He shuffles behind his chair and observes from a distance as Najimi yells for him, slowly scooting away from a wobbling Komi-san. Najimi may be shuffling over their desk to avoid her, but Komi-san marches on—bumbling her way towards friendship on shaking legs.
(she has so many things to gain and so little to lose)
(She's so brave.)
(it's not like he amounts to much anyways)
He's fighting to hold back his tears.
(it's just a simple game of math, even a child would know the answer)
He thinks of how lonely Komi-san has been. He thinks of how happy Komi-san will be.
He knows of how agonizing it is when people cannot or will not acknowledge you.
He knows this with clarity—
He's so stupid.
There's only one option he would could ever take.
How could he even consider that? What is wrong with him?
He smiles sadly softly and doesn’t move an inch.
(Sorry Najimi, I can’t do anything.)
(i’m so sorry, but i can’t do it. i can’t hurt her like that)
(how could i want this? why do i need this?)
(i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i hate you ihateyouihateyou—)
(All I can do is watch over her.)