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Ciel woke up surrounded by blood and dead bodies.
Drifting in the middle of the ocean. I will drown, drown, drown.
He stopped the scream that threatened to escape his throat, and looked around with wide eyes. There was no blood or corpses. He was lying on his bed with soft sheets and warm pillows.
A nightmare. It was just a nightmare. We escaped the Campania.
He cursed and got up. It was the middle of the night, but he wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon. Not with the memories so fresh in his mind.
It was never too late for an appetizer, he decided.
The kitchen was empty at this hour. Normally, Sebastian would still be doing chores (he didn't sleep, as far as Ciel was concerned), but he had been resting after the gruesome wounds the Undertaker inflicted upon him.
Blood everywhere. Sebastian lying motionless on the floor. Ciel was alone again. Alone. Alone. Alone. And there was so much blood everywhere. Just like that time. They also stabbed him in the stomach and blood came out violently, the altar covered in red.
"My lord?"
Ciel was startled. Sebastian was at the door, looking at him in surprise. He carried a bundle of clothing in his arms, and he looked perfectly healthy, as if the events at the Campania had never taken place.
Sebastian sighed. "Eating sweets at this hour? That was supposed to be for breakfast. This is not healthy for you, my lord."
Ciel swallowed the piece of cake he had been chewing.
"Fuck off."
"My, my, such language. Not proper at all for a person of your social standing, I'm afraid."
Ciel just grunted. It was late, he was tired, hungry, and not in the mood for the mind games his butler liked to pull on him.
"What are you doing here anyway? You’re supposed to be resting," said Ciel.
"If I rest this mansion stops functioning properly. Do not worry, my lord, the wounds are almost healed."
"I wasn’t worried."
To his surprise, Sebastian put the clothes on one of the chairs and approached him to place his hand on his forehead. Ciel pulled away from the contact, annoyed.
"What are you doing?"
"I believe you have a fever."
There was a note of concern in his butler voice, but Ciel scoffed at him.
"I’m fine."
"You caught a cold in the shipwreck, you should be resting so it doesn’t get worse."
"I am fine, Sebastian."
Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood covering everything. The floor. His hands. His clothes. Sebastian's uniform had turned as red as the dresses his aunt loved so much.
What if Sebastian had died? What would Ciel have done? He had never considered it. He had always assumed that Sebastian would always be there.
His butler was saying something. Probably about how important it was to take care of his health, as if Ciel had much to live for. Ridiculous. Ciel raised a hand to cover his butler’s mouth. Sebastian immediately fell silent.
"I’ll go to bed if you answer a question."
Sebastian raised an eyebrow but said nothing, and Ciel took it as an acceptance, removing his hand from his mouth. When he spoke next, his voice was small and he blamed it on the fever.
"What would've happened to me, if I had rejected your offer and never made a deal with you?"
... That wasn’t what he was going to ask.
Dammit, focus on the present.
Sebastian seemed to think for a moment. If he was surprised by the cuestion or the suddenness of it, he didn't show it.
Maybe he's been waiting all this time for you to ask. Like a predator studying their prey before they attack.
"I imagine you would have died."
"And then?"
"You would go wherever humans go when the Death Gods collect them, if they go to any place at all."
Ciel blinked, astonished.
"You mean you don't know?"
Sebastian tilted his head in his direction, a curious gleam in his eyes.
"Why would I know where humans go when they die?"
"You're a demon!" Ciel spluttered.
Sebastian smiled a little, like he was sharing a private joke with himself. He did that often, and Ciel hated it.
"Indeed. I am a demon. Not a human, and not a Death God. So again, why would I know where humans go when they die?"
Ciel frowned. His head was hurting. Damn fever.
"But you said I would disappear after the contract. When you..."
… Eat my soul. The words were stuck in his throat, too sharp to get them out; like thorns that grew out too much because no one was taking care of the roses .
But Sebastian understood.
"I know what will happen to a human who made a contract with a demon, because I am a demon." He smiled again, this time showing a little bit of teeth. Almost threatening if not for his domestic appearance. He was the perfect picture of the butler performing his duties and enabling his young lord's whims.
But he is not, he's a monster. I can't forget that.
"And what about God? How do you fit in his plan? You must not be very important if you are this ignorant about his creation."
The word God burned in his tongue. He once read that those damned by Him were incapable of saying his name.
But I wasn't damned by Him. I rejected Him like Lucifer did. It was my choice, not his.
Sebastian looked deeply amused by his question, however.
"I've always found it quite amusing, really, the human capacity to imagine concepts and then convince themselves those concepts are real and live outside of their mind."
Ciel felt cold sweat running down his back. It must be the fever.
"What do you mean? Are you trying to say God doesn't exist?"
Sebastian shrugged his shoulders, still with an amused expression. He was looking less human by the minute.
"What God are you referring to? You people have so many different versions of Him, even in the same religion."
"Any version of Him. All of them. The one you deem more fitting."
"No. Not that I know of, at least. I've never met anything that resembles the God you humans love so deeply, and I've lived through many ages."
"But in that case, who created everything? Who created you and me, who designed the universe? How can we exist if no one decided we could in the first place?"
"My, aren't you philosophical this evening."
"Maybe I wouldn't have to be if you had some answers!"
"I did promise not to lie to you, my lord. I know what I know, and I can't answer what I don't. Maybe a Death God would have a better answer for you, maybe they don't know it either. Maybe no one has ever seen God and that means He doesn't exist. Or maybe no one has ever seen him and He still exists. Maybe there's a plan, maybe there isn't. Does it matter?"
"Of course it matters! Why do we act as we do, if not to follow or escape his plan?"
If I am not a sheep who rejected his pastor, who rejected the divine plan, then who am I?
"To be honest, I've always found the concept of God a bit presumptuous. Why would such a powerful entity care so much about an insignificant species such as yours?"
"Because he created us! He created everything! If you don't believe in Him, how do you explain your existence?"
"I don't. I just exist."
"And you don't want answers? About how you came to be? Why are you the way you are? Why are you a demon and not something else? You could have been an angel! You could be human!"
"Now, there's no need for insults, my lord."
Ciel scoffed.
"You aren't taking this seriously."
"I'm afraid I fail to see the gravity of the situation, my lord. I exist. Why would I care how I came to be? All those questions seem to go nowhere."
"I suppose life it's different if you're a malignant entity like yourself. We humans need to reassure ourselves about our place in the world. I should have known you wouldn't understand."
This conversation was pointless.
"Mmm, in my understanding, a lot of the human questioning comes from their fear of death. Or, more accurately, because they don't know what happens after it. That's why humans create stories and lie to themselves until they believe them. But that's not your case, my lord. You know exactly how you will die and what will happen after that. So why would you worry about any of this? If God exists, you are far out of his reach. In that sense, I suppose I am your God."
Ciel tried to say something else, some biting retort in response to that arrogance, but a violent coughing fit cut off his tirade. Sebastian was immediately by his side, rubbing his back.
"You are impossible," said Ciel between coughs. "You are the worst."
"I think this is enough for tonight, my lord, you should go rest."
Sebastian carried him in his arms with ease. Ciel was too tired to resist. He didn't feel like going to sleep, but he let his butler carry him up to his room and tuck him into bed. Before he could leave, however, Ciel grabbed his jacket.
"Wait."
Sebastian sighed, like he was terribly tired.
"We should really leave the existential questions for tonight, my lord, they don't seem to do you any good."
"It's not existencial. I have a question about your other contracts."
Sebastian seemed surprised this time.
"What about them?"
"At the Campania, the Undertaker insinuated it was rare for a demon to act like you do, is it true?"
I always wondered, the Undertaker had said, why a vicious beast like you would dress up and play butler?
"I suppose it is."
"Why? What would you normally do?"
"Me or the other demons?"
The concept of other demons was weird for Ciel.
"Do you act differently from other demons?"
"We are not a hive mind. Most demons don't really enjoy interacting with humans, they see you as nothing but food."
Ciel snorted and that turned into another coughing fit. Sebastian waited patiently for it to pass.
"And you see us in a different light?" Asked Ciel when the coughs stopped.
"I also consider your kind deeply entertaining."
"So you are the only demon who plays butler with his contractors?"
"Not really. I don't usually do this. Most contractors aren't as interested as you are in keeping me close."
"I wonder why."
Sebastian smiled.
"Most humans just ask for what they want and then I leave back to my world until it is time to collect the soul. It's easier that way, but also boring."
Ciel thought about it, and Sebastian did not stop smiling as he fixed the sheets unnecessarily.
"This is the first time I've been in human form this long, actually. Normally I don't even take human form to perform the contract."
This attracted Ciel's attention, pulling him out of his musings.
"What do you mean? You didn't take human form to make the contract with them like you did with me?"
"No, I like to stay monstrous. It's very amusing how scared they get."
"Why did you adopt the human form with me, then? Did you already know you were going to stay long in this world?"
Sebastian looked down at him and smiled, and this time, it was all teeth.
"I just assumed a man would be the scariest thing for you at that moment."
Ciel's guts turned into ice, and not even the fever could make the sensation of cold disappear from his veins. Back to his butler persona, Sebastian bowed respectably.
"I hope I answered your questions appropriately, my lord."
Ciel said nothing in response. He could feel Sebastian satisfaction for leaving him speechless coming out of him in waves, but he still refused to answer.
He was too tired.
Perhaps this conversation was a mistake.
But still...
Ciel hated losing.
Sebastian was already at the door when he found his voice. It came out raspy and awful, but loud enough to be heard.
"... What about you?"
"My lord?" Sebastian stopped.
"Do you know what happens to you when you die?"
There was a moment of silence.
"No."
Ciel was still laughing when Sebastian left the room. It was a weak and throaty laugh, but a victorious one nonetheless.
In that sense, I suppose I am your God.
No, thought Ciel, fierce and half delirious. I am yours.
He dreamed of fallen angels and cruel gods. They all had Sebastian’s face.