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The problem with girly things is that they made her seem more like a girl. They made her seem more feminine and more like all the stupid girls in her classes, and as a kid she never understood why she hated that so much. If she were a girl, then she should be fine with being seen as one. So, why did she hate the thought of that so much?
You can start right down to when Louise was in kindergarten. As soon as she could even have an opinion on things, she’d already had one set for girly things. She didn’t like them. But that was the problem. Because she was a girl. And all the girls on TV shows, and the girls in her class loved girly things. Tina loved dresses, and skirts, and dolls, and princesses. And so did all the girls in her school. And as she saw them playing house, and pretending to care for baby dolls, and doing each other's makeup, and painting each other's nails bright pink, the thought of being associated with any of that repulsed her.
But the thing is, she still wore a dress, because she didn’t dislike dresses. She still wore a bright pink hat, because she didn’t dislike the color pink.
And that's where it all gets confusing.
As she got older she’d come to realize she doesn’t inherently hate these things. She doesn’t hate her dress, she likes her dress. She doesn’t hate her hat because it's pink, she loves her hat. But she hated the way people made them seem. She didn’t associate her dress and her bright pink bunny ear hat with being a girly girl, but a lot of the time dresses and the color pink were. And she hated that so much. Because if she didn’t want to be seen that way then she shouldn’t be, but before she was even born all of these views were already set in stone, and she can’t change them.
So to make up for that fact, she hated everything else associated with being girly. And that wasn’t a lie, she did genuinely dislike some of those things. But there were some things associated with girliness that she liked, and that's why this was all so confusing. Because how can she hate all these things but also not actually hate them all that much at the same time. It made no sense. It was all too much for a nine year old to understand anyway.
She hated girliness, but there were some cases where she didn’t hate everything associated with it.
Like Boys 4 Now.
Boy bands were... Ew. They were and she knew that, now as a 15 year old she can fully admit that boy bands are gross. But she liked Boys 4 Now when she was younger, in fact she loved it. But she had to pretend like she didn’t. Because liking a boy band was girly. And having a crush on a boy? Girly as hell. At least that's how it was seen when she was a kid. Thinking about it now it’s weird that crushes are seen that way. Her crush on Boo Boo was comphet, she knows that now, but even if it weren’t and she were straight, she would have hated the idea of having a crush on a boy because of the way it made her seem. Like a girl. Because that's how crushes on boys were seen. As something girls did. But that's a whole different topic she didn’t want to get into at the moment.
There was another time she’d liked something she’d hated. Which was that doll she’d found at the weird restaurant/doll store that Gretchen used to work at. Going into that place was like hell at the time, probably still would be now if she were being honest. There were dolls, makeup, girly dresses, skirts, and really anything you can think of that is associated with a little girl. And so she already knew she hated this place, because a running theme with Louise as a kid is that she hated being associated with being a little girl.
So when she’d found herself actually liking that weird whacky spy doll, she was embarrassed. Because she didn’t like girly things. But man, was that doll cool. It was the least girly doll in the store, and she had a cool ass job, and she was different. So of course naturally Louise wanted her. And she got her. She still had her to this day.
She hated girly things, but some of them were okay.
She never hated girly things themselves, she hated the way they made her look. And yeah maybe that was a little bit of a lie, she did hate some girly things, girliness in general was never her forte. But as she got older she’s come to realize she likes some things she would’ve absolutely hated when she were younger.
For instance, painting your nails. She didn’t like nail polish back then, because it was girly. But she regularly painted her nails black now because she liked it and she always kind of had. But when you grow up having certain things associated with something you don’t want associated with yourself, you make yourself completely reject all of those things so there's not even the slightest chance someone could associate you with them. So painting her nails was a definite no back then, but now? It was pretty alright.
There was a lot she had come to realize wasn’t all that bad. But in her nine year old mind everything girly was the enemy, and she can’t blame herself.
And when you grow up to find out you're not actually a girl, a lot of things start to make sense. The reason you felt different, the reason you rejected femininity so much to the point you would pretend to hate things just to get as far away from being a girl as possible, it all starts to come together and you realize why things were that way. Figuring that stuff out is never easy, not in a society like this. But there were always some people who never forced those views onto her. And they were her family.
Like c’mon, Gene was the epitome of gender fluidity. Always enjoying everything to do with femininity but also being okay with masculinity at times as well. Even when they were little, he’d take their mothers makeup and put it on, take Tina’s princess dresses and uncomfortable plastic heels and put them all on, flaunting around the house like that. And all their parents ever did was cheer him on. Even now they still do, as a 17 year old he’s still that way, he still likes feminine clothes, and he does do his makeup sometimes now, and all their parents ever do is smile and compliment him.
And when Louise from a young age acted the exact opposite of Gene, rejecting everything to do with femininity, their parents never minded. In fact they were more than okay with it, and didn’t force any of that onto her. If she wanted toys that were ‘meant for boys’ they’d get them for her. If she wanted the ‘boy version’ of anything in general, they’d get it for her. They were always supportive in that way, and though it didn’t stop her from coping with being different in all the wrong ways, it still helped. Knowing neither of her siblings fit the exact gender binary, and knowing that her parents were fully supportive of that really helped. And though it would take her a lot to say it outloud, she was thankful.
Because the problem with liking girly things was just that, they were girly. And girly things are associated with being a girl, and well, she wasn’t a girl. She knew that now, and she was fine with that. As a kid she probably would've never been able to comprehend why she felt so different, and why she hated girly things the way she did. But she understood it now, and she was thankful. Because man gender crises were not fun. But at least she’d always had her family in her corner, supportive of her everytime she changed her pronouns or her identity as she struggled to figure it all out because man was figuring out your non binary really hard. She was incredibly thankful of her family for being there, and maybe one day in some weird moment of vulnerability she’d tell them that outloud.