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That crack in the ceiling seems to have grown by several inches. Perhaps this is a natural consequence of repeated expansion and contraction after full seasons of winter and spring. Come to think of it, the last time I was on this hard and uncomfortable sofa was around… nine months ago now. At least the living room is not bitterly cold over the summer, and since the significant other is still fuming —— so much so that she threw out my pillow and blanket from the bedroom —— I will just have to make do.
No one listens in a conversation between two angry adults. I guess I will just have to ride this out, and hope that after a good night’s rest, we will both calm down and I will eventually have the chance to explain myself.
As for now, I can only resort to hugging my beloved baby tuna stuffed toy —— this very same toy that used to accompany me every night before the significant other moved in. Despite so, I cannot seem to find any comfort nor peace. Instead, I am just plagued by an unrelenting uneasiness… Baby Tuna has been “abandoned” for about a year now, and its fur is coated with a thin layer of dust that…
“Ah choo!”
Having grown used to caressing her warm body every night, hugging Baby Tuna no longer cuts it. The joy it used to bring me is instead today replaced by an irrepressible anxiety. Ever since Hiromi moved in, Baby Tuna has been heartlessly relegated to the top of the headboard, where it occasionally would mysteriously fall between us, looking forlorn and somewhat jealous.
But, she really is more important than you, Baby Tuna.
“Michiko, you got banished to the sofa again?”
Akira can be brutally honest sometimes.
“I already tried my best to stay as long as I could at the bar. No luck on your end?”
“What do you think? When she gets angry, even you would avoid her. How do you expect me to find a chance to explain?” It is impossible to not feel disgruntled.
“Hiromi doesn’t get angry easily, and you are well aware of all of her triggers. If it is not because of a patient, then it only can be something involving Mai. What did you do? Did you pause to reflect?”
Akira is only trying to mediate. But dang, it still stings.
“Stop rubbing salt into my wound! I’m going to bed!” I pulled the thin blanket over my head petulantly. While it sufficiently blocks out the bright glare of the Tokyo street lights, it is inadequate to help me get to sleep.
Looks like it is going to be a sleepless night in Tokyo.
***
“I’m home!”
The chilly atmosphere that emanated from the referral agency sent shivers down my spine.
I quickly shut the wooden sliding door, hoping it was merely a draft from outside.
It was not. Something was clearly amiss.
Where was the usual heartwarming “welcome home”? Or the rattling of mahjong tiles by my fellow fanatics? Or the sound of Akira’s specially cultured soup bubbling over the large stainless steel pot on the stove?
Or, for that matter, where was everyone?
The usual hustle and bustle in the referral agency was nowhere to be seen. Instead, an unmistakable unnerving silence had taken its place. My heart started pounding so hard I was afraid I would fracture a rib.
“Michiko! You’re back! What happened this time? What did you both quarrel about?” Akira frantically whispered as he hurried downstairs.
“I have absolutely no idea. Dr Jounouchi seemed exceptionally cold towards me today.”
If she did not even try to put a front for Akira, that meant serious business. After all, she intentionally averted my gaze in the operating theatre earlier today, avoiding me like the plague in front of all our colleagues. It is very unlike her to pull such a juvenile stunt like this. Besides, I am, as she claims, the kid in the relationship.
“You’re back.”
Akira quickly packed his things to leave and avoid the impending thunderstorm. Her face was as black as charcoal.
“Looks like we need to talk?” I was still completely clueless.
“Why are you so stubborn and unreasonable, not caring about the feelings of others?”
“What the heck are you on about? What made you so furious? If you don’t state things clearly, how am I supposed to explain? Ridiculous!”
“I got woken up by Mai’s long distance call this morning. She was completely flustered by what you told her, and she wanted to hear my explanation!”
Oh gosh. I was just having a heart-to-heart chat with Mai, and she seemed completely fine, not showing any sign of distress. What did she tell Hiromi?! While we did chat about some pretty intense stuff, she is matured enough to handle it, right? Or was I being too optimistic, irrationally misreading the situation?!
“What exactly is the issue?!”
“I always give in to you in the operating theatre, putting up with your reckless ways. Even in our relationship, I would choose to yield and pamper you. But how can you discuss about our relationship status with Mai without first consulting me? I am her mother after all! Did you even consider my feelings?!”
I have seen Dr Jounouchi angry several times, but to this extent… This could be the first. I inadvertently held my breath.
“Excuse me? What happens at surgery has nothing to do with our relationship. Don’t make such illogical conclusions! Besides, Mai does not treat me like an outsider! Don’t I have the right to talk to her about my feelings? She’s old enough to understand these things! Stop being so strict!”
“So now you’re criticising how I raise my child?”
“That’s not what I mean! Stop being so ridiculous!”
“There’s no way I can talk to you right now. Forget it!”
While the slam of the bedroom door was still reverberating in my ears, out flew my pillow, a small blanket, and dusty Baby Tuna.
Then, silence.
Sigh.
***
“Michiko?”
Her sweet and tender voice jolted me out of my introspection. This very same voice that used to be the first and last that I hear each day, was out of reach for all of today, until now. I cautiously peeled the blanket off my head and slowly sat up, still somewhat uneasy.
I guess, it is time to talk.
Instinctively I desperately wanted to reach out to give her a hug: this has always been my go-to strategy for handling stressful situations. On the surface, it appears as if I am the one comforting Hiromi, but the reality is I am making use of the physical contact with her to calm my nerves.
It is in these moments when she is in my arms that I am most aware of my relationship with her: she is mine. And just this reminder is enough to suppress all pangs of jealousy and uneasiness. Although as a surgeon I may come across as someone deserving of respect, and I appear full of confidence when in the operating theatre, with regards to matters of the heart… I only feel inadequate. Always. Despite how hard I try, no matter how many strategy notebooks labelled “Jounouchi Hiromi” are stacked on my shelf, I simply never feel good enough, never qualified enough.
The truth is, I am definitely inexperienced when it comes to love. Sure, I have had my fair share of crushes, have had my own suitors, but those juvenile infatuations are nothing like tackling a long-term relationship with the goal of growing old together. For our relationship to work out, it needs to be founded on trust, respect and patience, as well as support from those who matter around us. I trust Hiromi fully, and I know she would always stay by me.
Perhaps the one I do not trust is… myself.
Will I be able to love her fully? To provide for her needs? To make her happy?
“Hiromi, I…”
“Michiko, it must be really uncomfortable sleeping here.” Her gentle tone is indicative of an attempt to reconcile, “What you told Mai… You should have discussed with me first.”
“Mai has lived overseas for so long, and she should be much more open-minded than a typical Japanese teenager. Besides, we never intentionally hid our relationship status from her.”
“Even then… I am her mum after all, and when it comes to discussing how things have changed between us, it really should come from me. Not an outsider…”
“I’m not an outsider. And even if I was, I no longer want to be one.”
“Eh?”
Even though no one can foretell the future, if it is within my means, I will do my utmost to love her. And I… I will not fail. There is only way I know to declare this: make our relationship public, and to this end, I only know of one method.
A marriage certificate as a declaration of love.
“I told Mai about us, because I wanted to receive her blessing.”
“Daimon-san…”
In the deepest of deepest, I am sure about my decision; I have even already purchased the ring online. However, a marriage proposal still requires the blessing from family members.
“I didn’t discuss this with you earlier because I wanted to give you a surprise. I didn’t expect Mai to get so excited that she would ask you for more details.”
“I understand.”
Hiromi is, after all, a very reasonable person once she has calmed down.
“Perhaps you have underestimated Mai’s ability to understand relationships? Are you simply afraid, or are you unwilling to settle down…”
She placed her index finger on my lip, preventing me from saying any more.
“Daimon Michiko…”
Wait, is she…
“… are you willing to be my lifetime partner, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part?”
Without waiting for me to respond, she gingerly caressed my face and tilted my chin, placing her lips invitingly on mine. This is exactly the deep, intense and intimate kiss that I had been craving for. The struggles of the whole day was worth it.
As I indulged in her tongue delicately intertwined with mine, together with the familiar taste of her lip balm, I recalled Mai’s text to me just half hour ago: 「未知子、がんばってよ！💪🏼 」（”Michiko, all the best!”)
Success, Mai, success. But wait…
Unable to suppress the tinge of disappointment in my heart, I gently pushed Hiromi away.
“Why, what’s wrong?” A small frown appeared on her face.
“That’s it? Is it just this simple? Don’t you have to go down on one knee, and present an expensive diamond ring to me?” As I spoke while deep in thought, my finger instinctively settled beneath my lower lip.
Then, overtaken by a brief wave of impulse, I seductively waved my ringless left hand in front of her face.
“I splurged to purchase an engagement ring, and this is how you propose? That’s not fair!”
“Huh? As a surgeon you can’t wear a ring to work anyway!” She grabbed my hand and gave it a soft squeeze, “Fine. As your reward, you don’t have to sleep on the sofa tonight.”
She cheekily patted the tip of my nose.
“Eh? Hiro… Wifey…”
The lovely, mesmerising smile that she was wearing on her face at that moment… is one that I will treasure for the rest of my life.
“… I wasn’t intending to sleep on the sofa. In fact, I wasn’t planning to sleep at all!”