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Tommy and Wilbur don’t talk about sex.
They’ve been dating for almost two years now, ever since Tommy turned sixteen, and the only time the topic has ever come up was when they’d just gotten together.
Tommy had asked if Wilbur had ever had sex with anyone.
“Yes,” Wilbur said and didn’t elaborate.
“Guy or girl?” Tommy asked.
“Both,” Wilbur told him.
“Oh.”
“Have you?”
“Of course. I get all the girls,” Tommy boasted, though he hadn’t ever had anything that so much as resembled sex in his life.
And he still hasn’t. Because he’s in a relationship with Wilbur, who doesn’t seem interested in starting anything.
Tommy’s staying over at Wilbur’s flat for the weekend.
Wilbur is flying out to LA next week, and Tommy wants to spend as much time as he can with his boyfriend before he doesn’t see him for a while.
They’re snuggled up on the sofa, watching a movie, and Tommy is trying to decide whether he should broach the subject again after over a year of never bringing it up.
Tommy kind of wants to have sex. He’s ready. Especially if the person he’s going to be having sex with is Wilbur.
He loves Wilbur and he wants to be even closer to the man than he already is.
But he’s nervous, too.
What if he’s no good at it? Tommy is extremely inexperienced and Wilbur apparently isn’t. What’s more: Tommy lied to Wilbur, making him think Tommy isn’t a virgin when in reality, he is.
What if Wilbur isn’t careful?
“You’re not paying attention,” Wilbur says.
Tommy blinks. The movie is paused. Wilbur’s holding the remote, giving Tommy a worried look.
“I know that stare. What’s up?”
“There’s no stare,” Tommy defends weakly.
“Uh, there is,” Wilbur says, a hint of a smile appearing around his lips. “It’s the patented ‘Tommy is thinking very hard and is going to give himself a migraine if Wilbur doesn’t distract him’ stare. Seriously. You okay?”
“Yeah,” Tommy says. Then, as he usually does, he blurts out his thoughts: “Do you want to have sex?”
Wilbur sputters. It devolves into a coughing fit (he’s been a bit ill, but thankfully it isn’t covid), and Tommy slaps Wilbur’s back as Wilbur tries to catch his breath.
“Tommy, what the fuck?!” Wilbur exclaims.
“I’m just asking!” Tommy says. “I mean. We’ve been together a while. And we haven’t yet. So.”
“Well, I dunno, Tommy, there was a bit of a lockdown going on,” Wilbur says, sarcasm lacing his voice. “We weren’t exactly around each other a lot.”
“Why are you getting angry?” Tommy asks, fidgeting with his hands.
Wilbur takes a deep breath.
“I’m not,” he promises. “You caught me off guard. As for your question… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“We have a good thing going, right?” Wilbur says. He leans back against the couch’s armrest, and Tommy wonders if it’s an invitation for him to lie down against his boyfriend’s chest again but ultimately decides against it. “Sex is complicated, Toms. I’ve been in relationships where opening up that can of worms just ruined everything. I don’t want that with you.”
“So we’re just never going to do it?”
“Maybe we’ll ‘do it’ when you stop referring to sex as ‘doing it’,” Wilbur says. “You’re young.”
“You’re patronising me.”
“I wouldn’t dare.”
Wilbur’s smiling, which is how Tommy knows he’s definitely being patronised.
“Dickhead.”
“Look, Tommy-”
“You just don’t want to have sex with me because you still think I’m a kid, but I-”
“Tommy-”
“-am perfectly capable of deciding what I am or am not ready for. And I love you, so obviously I’m ready to have sex with you. Are you just not attracted to me? Am I-”
“Tommy!”
Tommy stops talking.
They stare at each other. Wilbur’s eyes are wide and a little panicked.
Tommy probably isn’t much better off.
“What?” Tommy finally asks.
“Okay, first of all, I am very attracted to you,” Wilbur says. “Come here.”
He opens his arms, and Tommy crawls into them, leaning his head against Wilbur’s shoulder. He feels his body relax a little.
“Second, even if I wanted to do anything right now, I’m all stuffed up and gross. It wouldn’t be enjoyable for either of us.”
“But-”
“Third, and this is an important one, I just don’t feel comfortable having sex with you right now.”
“Why not?” Tommy whines.
“We’ve been dating for two years, yes, but we’ve only really been consistently around each other for half a year max. I don’t want to rush into sex carelessly and have it blow up in our faces. That’s happened to me way too much, and I love you too much to let that happen. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex with someone who thinks that being in love with me means he’s ‘obviously’ ready.”
“Wil. I’m into you,” Tommy says. “Are you into me?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t that enough of a reason to have sex?”
Wilbur doesn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you want to fuck me?” Tommy asks. “You’ve had sex before.”
“But you haven’t.”
“What?! I told you-”
“Yeah, I know what you told me. You’re a terrible liar,” Wilbur says.
“I’m not, though!” Tommy shouts.
Wilbur laughs.
Tommy starts to laugh, too. He can’t help it.
“Look,” Wilbur says when his giggles die down. “I love you. I just want our first time to be right. Not a quick fuck on the couch after you ask me to have sex while I’m sick. I wanna, like, make it romantic. I want you to feel loved. And I want you to be sure.”
“I am-” Tommy starts, then pauses. Wilbur doesn’t seem like he’s going to be convinced. “You really wanna make it romantic?” He asks instead. “Like, candles and shit?”
“Yes,” Wilbur says. “Is that okay?”
“I suppose,” Tommy says, making sure to sound annoyed even though he kind of feels like his heart is going to flutter out of his chest. “I hate that you’re such a cheeseball.”
“No, you don’t. You love it, actually.”
“Prick. Unpause the movie. We’re getting to the good part.”
Wilbur chuckles. Rolls his eyes. Calls him an asshole.
Tommy burrows further into Wilbur’s arms.
He feels special. Somehow, getting rejected made him feel more loved.
(And when the time comes, Wilbur’s going to make sure he feels loved even more.)