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Carlos sighs. He rolls over, presses his face into the pillow next to him, and takes a breath.
God, this isn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want TK to be…
Maybe it was his fault. Maybe it was inevitable and he’d been too star-struck to see it. Maybe TK had been telling him for a while-- subtle signs that they weren’t all right. Maybe he’d made a mistake, maybe he’d chosen the wrong person, maybe, maybe, maybe.
If he takes a deep enough breath he can still smell TK’s shampoo on the pillowcase. If he closes his eyes tight enough he can see TK’s blinding smile. If he hides himself away enough, if he pulls the covers up far enough, if he thinks about it hard enough, he can feel TK’s arms around his waist. His lips on his collarbone. His hands in his hair.
If he’d been smarter, he could have that now.
He could have everything.
He shakes his head and rolls onto his back again.
It was so stupid. It was something that they could have worked through. He sees that now. With hindsight. He should have told TK to stay. He tried-- he gave it everything he had.
When TK slammed the door, he left Carlos’ heart in pieces on the floor. But Carlos wasn’t going to let that stop him, not really. So he gave it a few days, he gave him space.
He reached out over text. No response-- which Carlos thought was fair. He waited a few more days and tried to call but got no answer.
That was three days ago and he’d be lying if he said he hasn’t been absolutely wrecked.
All he wants is a conversation. All he wants is… He needs an explanation.
He needs--
There’s a knock at his door and his heart jumps a little. But the person waiting on the other side makes it sink again. He opens it and frowns.
“Judd? It’s after midnight.”
“I know,” Judd nods. “I know, it’s late, and I’m sorry.” He makes a face. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t important.”
Carlos raises his eyebrows and steps back to let Judd pass. Judd wrings his hands and looks around the room while Carlos closes the door.
“What’s wrong?” Carlos asks, crossing his arms in front of him.
Judd hesitates. “I know you and TK were having your… problems. I don’t know what it was but something was wrong.” Carlos looks down.
“Judd…”
He takes a breath and shakes his head. “When was the last time you talked to him?”
“I don’t need your relationship advice.”
“No one’s seen him in three days.”
A cold hand wraps around him. “What?”
“When was the last time you talked to him?”
Carlos fishes his phone out of his pocket. “I-I saw him last on Friday. I tried to call him yesterday but he didn’t answer.”
He doesn’t know why but he’s hoping he’ll have some kind of notification from TK. He sighs.
“How did you go three days without seeing him?”
Judd scoffs. “Well, he had a couple of days off, and we all assumed he was with you. Then he didn’t show up for his shift yesterday and we asked Owen if he’d seen him. Turns out, he stayed at his parents’ over the weekend, left on Monday afternoon. No one’s seen or heard from him since.”
Carlos nods slowly. “Today’s Wednesday, that’s…” He runs his hand through his hair. He can’t breathe. “We’ll go to the station. I-- I can find some things out.”
He grabs his keys, slips his shoes on, and starts out the door-- almost forgetting that Judd was there until he grabs his arm.
“Carlos, breathe.”
But he shakes his head. “Don’t.”
“You freaking out won’t help--”
“What if it was Grace?” Judd doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “You would be doing the same thing.”
“You’re right,” Judd says softly. “But I’d appreciate a friend helping me keep my head.”
Carlos softens but nods. “I need to find him.”
“I know.”
I lean my head back and try to catch my breath. It doesn’t work. Instead, with every inhale, a sharp pain spreads through my chest. This is not what I wanted to do with my Monday. (It’s not Monday anymore. I don’t think, anyway.)
I was on my way to Carlos’.
Carlos…
I just needed time. I wanted to apologize. I miss him.
What is Carlos going to do when he finds out I died protecting him?
“Mijo, slow down.”
Carlos sighs. He’s sitting at his desk, his phone held tightly in his hand, his leg bouncy anxiously.
Neither he or Judd had been able to get ahold of anyone that early in the morning and Judd had to get back to Grace and the baby. He promised to call if anything came to light. Then he made Carlos make the same promise.
So far, nothing.
“I need to find him.”
He doesn’t know anything, that’s what he hates. He doesn’t know when exactly TK was last seen, or where, or what he was wearing, what he was doing.
Carlos knows nothing useful.
He told his father everything he knew. And had to explain why he hadn’t seen TK.
Gabriel’s eyeing him like he’s trying to solve the case that is his son; his father’s oldest unsolved case.
He’s making that face, the one that always bothered Carlos. It made him feel like he was wasting his father’s time with something ridiculous.
“You two were arguing?”
“Can we not—“
Gabriel raises his hand and sits forward. “TK has a history with opiods—“
“Oh my god.”
He doesn’t stop. “If he felt overwhelmed—“ Carlos knows where this is going and he shakes his head— “or attacked, or hurt, it could have pushed him over the edge.”
“That’s not this,” Carlos insists.
“Why not?”
“Call it a gut feeling,” he snaps. “I know TK. He didn’t want to start over.”
“No one wants to start over, Carlitos. But-”
Carlos’ phone buzzes and he doesn’t finish the thought.
“Hello?”
“Hi… um, is this Carlos Reyes?” The voice is familiar but he can’t place it.
“This is. Who is this?” Gabriel whispers to put it on speaker and he does.
“Oh, good,” the girl says. “I’m Courtney; I live a few doors down, just on the corner? ”
Carlos nods. He remembers. Dark brown hair cut short, light brown eyes, just shorter than TK. He leans back in his chair. “Yes, yeah, we met at the block party a few months ago.”
“Yes,” she says, laughing a little. “I’m just calling cause I… Well, I was getting my mail the other day—“ Carlos hangs his head in frustration— “and there was a cell phone on the sidewalk? And there’s no number I can call but… Well, you’re on the lockscreen. I just kept forgetting to call.”
He sits up straighter. “What?”
“Yeah, and now I know it’s not your phone but it could be your boyfriend’s? I thought I saw him on the block the other day.”
Gabriel puts a steady hand on Carlos’ arm but he shakes him off, already grabbing his keys. “Courtney, can I stop by your place in a few minutes? I just— to pick up the phone?”
Carlos takes the phone and has to remind himself to breathe after a moment. The screen is cracked and dirty. It wasn’t like that before TK left.
“It would make sense that it’s his,” Courtney is saying. “I thought I saw him the other day.”
“Do you know when?” He asks. “What time of day, what he was wearing, did he get into a vehicle? Did he-”
Gabriel puts his hand on Carlos’s arm again. Courtney looks between them, raising an eyebrow.
“He was wearing a hoodie,” she says slowly. “Yellow, I think. I remember cause I thought it was weird. With how warm it’s been lately.”
Carlos nods. “Yeah, they make him… He would wear hoodies all year round if we let him,” he says with a smile.
Safe, he thinks to himself. Hoodies make him feel safe.
“You didn’t see him get into a car or anything?”
She shakes her head. “No, sorry. Is something wrong?”
“It’s alright,” Carlos says softly. It’s not; the pressure in his chest is tight, getting tighter by the moment. “Let me know if you see him again, yeah?”
She nods and he and Gabriel start back to the car.
“Hey, Carlos?” He stops and looks up at her. “I hope you find him.”
He smiles a little. “Is it that obvious?” He asks jokingly.
“Well, you look like a kicked puppy and so did he,” she says with a small smirk. “But if anyone can find him, it’s you.”
This never ends, does it? Just when I think I’m done for.
“Where. Is. He.”
I shake my head. That’s not what he wants. A searing pain runs through my arm and I cry out. And I cry. But I don't tell the truth.
I’d lie for eternity if it meant Carlos was safe.
“He was in the neighborhood-- Our neighborhood. He was on his way and then he disappeared .”
“One of your neighbors said they saw a van stop next to him and then he wasn’t there.”
Carlos frowns, and he knows what that means. Gabriel nods.
“One they recognized?”
“It was a company vehicle but the company tanked about a year ago.”
Carlos shifts anxiously. “So no leads?”
“None yet.”
His phone rings and he puts it to his ear. “Hello?”
“He keeps saying he doesn’t know you.”
Carlos frowns and puts the phone on speaker once again. “I’m sorry?”
“But I’m sure you know him.”
“I don’t--”
“Carlos?”
He can’t breathe. He can’t move.
“That’s-- That’s your name, right? ”
The voice is broken. It’s raspy and thick and not what he’s used to. But it’s his, it’s him.
Gabriel knows it too and his eyes widen but he shakes his head. Carlos has to play along. TK knows it’s him too, he can feel it. But whoever it is, whoever has him might hurt TK more than he-- probably-- already has.
“Sir, are you okay?” Carlos asks, praying he doesn’t sound too desperate.
He needs to get to TK. He needs TK to tell him that everything will be okay, with soft hands in his hair, listening to a steady heartbeat, soft kisses pressing against his forehead.
“Mostly. I could use a little Dalmore though.”
Carlos grins and has to keep from laughing. “Just hold on, alright? We’ll find you.”
The call ends before he can finish. Gabriel is frowning while Carlos is still grinning. He starts rummaging through the papers on his desk.
“You want to let me in on the secret?”
Carlos laughs and shakes his head. If TK were here, Carlos would kiss him. “God, I love him.” Gabriel rolls his eyes. “I was telling him about a-- a call I was on a few months ago. A house was broken into and the only thing stolen was a $60,000 bottle of whiskey.”
“The Dalmore 50, I remember.”
Carlos nods. “Right, I went on that call. And was one of the people on the arrest team. It wasn’t one person, it was two. We arrested one, Richards. The other one…” Carlos shakes his head. “Shots were fired; he didn’t make it.”
Gabriel furrows his brows. “What does that have to do--”
“The day before TK left,” Carlos continues, “I was reading an article talking about how Richards escaped.”
“What does that have to do with you? Why target you?” Gabriel asks. “Why is he going after you instead of the detective, or anyone else on that team?”
Carlos shifts. “I…was the one who fired the shot that killed his partner.”
Understanding dawns on his father’s face. “It’s not about TK.”
“They’re using TK to get to me.” Carlos shakes his head, “I’m gonna kill them for that.”
TK plopped down next to Carlos, leaning his head on his shoulder. “What are you looking at?”
“A potential headache,” Carlos mumbled, tilting the tablet screen so he could see.
“That does seem like a problem,” TK nodded. “But one for later?”
“Oh?”
TK smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He pushed Carlos’ hand out of the way and forced his way into his lap.
If he was honest, he always thought this phase would pass. That he and TK were still in their honeymoon phase. But it’s mostly Carlos. He has a constant need to hold or be held by TK. If he goes too long without it, he gets jumpy and tense.
TK snuggled up against Carlos’ chest, pressing a quick kiss to his lips as he settled. Carlos smiled and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, wanting to stay like this forever.
And now, he’s gone long enough that he can barely sit still. Now, he’s stressed and anxious about innumerable things.
That they’re too late.
That they’re in the wrong place.
That TK was referencing the alcohol, not the case itself.
That TK is…
That even after all of this, after he gets TK home… That TK will still walk away. That this-- That he won’t be enough.
Someone yells something. Does that mean there’s more than one? Please, Carlos, please understand.
This isn’t what I meant.
I tried.
Someone yells again. Closer. Familiar.
Familiar.
A hand is on my leg, my arm, my cheek. I open my eyes as best as I can.
Oh my god.
TK looks terrible. Carlos can’t breathe. He tugs at the duct tape around his wrist.
“Carlos…” It’s a weak whisper but it brings a smile to his face and air to his lungs.
“Yeah, baby, it’s me,” he smiles but TK shakes his head.
“Go, go, you can’t be here--”
“TK--”
He starts struggling against the tape. “Carlos, please , he knows what you did, and he’s… His partner… Carlos, please, go.”
Carlos is the one shaking his head now. “TK, we’re okay, I promise. Everything’s okay.”
TK looks out at him with his one good eye. Then he nods, slowly, carefully. And he leans into Carlos’ hands.
Maybe they will be okay.
Carlos has been keeping his distance. TK’s jumpy and paranoid-- which is fair; Carlos will give him all the time he needs and more.
But he’s itching to sit pressed against him. His constant need to hold or be held has only gotten worse since they found him.
And he’s terrified.
If he presses, if he tries too hard, if he doesn’t try hard enough…
He can wait.
TK’s been cleared to work by his doctor. On the ride home from the hospital, Carlos holds his hand out to him, hoping for some kind of contact that isn’t too much.
TK keeps his hands folded in his lap
He can feel himself slipping. Away from TK, from how they were before, from himself.
And then.
TK sits next to him. Resting his head on Carlos’ shoulder. Carlos doesn’t move.
“Is this okay?” TK asks in a whisper and Carlos nods.
“Can I--” He shakes his head and sighs, settling on wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
TK looks up at him with a frown. Something sets in and he shifts, tugging at Carlos until he’s laying on TK’s chest.
Carlos doesn’t want to move at first, but then he does. He curls in further, snaking his arms around TK’s waist, and pressing his face into his neck.
“I’m--”
“Don’t you dare apologize, TK,” Carlos mumbles.
TK lets out a breath and holds him tighter.