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Jealousy.
A terrible and all encompassing feeling that swept over Hanako like an unwelcome, humid summer breeze.
It wasn't a feeling the apparition was unused to.
Every time Nene said she had different plans for the day, that she'd be tending to the garden with Aoi or hanging out with Kou, Hanako was struck with an overwhelming and intense jealousy. And he could only deny her requests to leave so many times before she'd begin to resent him. Hanako didn't want that.
Today, Kou had stolen Nene away from him. She had mentioned something about there being a festival in town. And Hanako wanted to tell her not to have so much fun without him, that she had work to take care of in the bathroom. But he couldn't bring himself to deny those shining magenta eyes, glimmering with pure innocent excitement.
He remembered festivals. And as he draped himself over the porcelain sink counters, the boy pondered what exactly Nene and Kou could be doing at that little festival tonight, so far from his supervision. Would they eat nice treats and laugh and sing? Would she eat donuts without him? Would they grow wilder as the sun made its descent across the pink and orange sky? Would Nene drag Kou along by his hand to witness the fireworks together? Would she lean against his shoulder as they sat against the grass?
Hanako shook his head and clapped his hands against his cheeks to try and calm himself down. He shouldn't mistrust his friend in such a way, how distasteful of him. Still, it was an image that shook him to his core. He should think about something else in order to calm down, shouldn't he?
The sun would be setting soon. Hanako looked out the window as he noticed the sky had begun fading.
He had never cared much for the sunset before, you know. He was far more fond of the night sky. Especially on new moon nights, where in pitch darkness you could count every single star that claimed the inky black canvas as its stage.
But he'd recently adopted a gentle fondness for the setting sun.
It looked like Nene's eyes.
The beautiful shade of fuchsia stretching across the sky, accompanied by the slight dab of a cream sort of orange, when the sun had just dipped below the mountains and only left a hint of light behind it.
It reminded him of when Nene would look at him, just look at him. And for a split second their eyes would meet- hers soft and round with wonder and curiosity. She often looked at him like that, a child finding something new. He wished she would look at him some other way. He wanted those sunset eyes on him at all times. He wanted to see her look at him in the same way she did with Teru, or any other upperclassman she had deemed the princely type. He wished she would look at him like she was taking in the whole world at once- the way he looked at her.
He was far past the point of denying his love for Yashiro Nene, for that's all it was. Pure and complete adoration, longing, desperation, puppy love. Whatever you would like to call it, he loved her. He loved her in a way that no apparition should ever be capable of loving a human, and yet he loved her nonetheless.
Her company made him feel alive again. Like he was, maybe just for a moment, less than the monster death had carved him into. He wanted to keep her around him forever like that, selfishly.
That's all this was, wasn't it? Selfishness? He couldn't have her, no matter how much he wanted to.
He tried, to no apparent avail, to make the girl fall in love with him. He wished he could be the princely type she so desired, strong enough to sweep her off her feet and pull her away from the painful truths of reality and heartbreak.
But it was a gift he would never be capable of giving his darling Yashiro. For death is the most painful truth and heartbreak there is, isn't there?
He was undead. No amount of princely behavior could change that.
He could never give Yashiro the lavish life he knew she deserved to live, with a husband who treated her like a precious princess to be treasured and adored. Oh, how he wanted to be that one for her. But he would never grow enough to become that. Forever, Hanako would be in this girl's bathroom, While Yashiro grew into a beautiful and strong young woman.
His love for her was destroying him. He didn't care. It pulled him apart, tore him to bits, knowing that if he held her, she would feel nothing but cold in her bones. He didn't care.
He could never tell her all of this, of course, Nene would remain blissfully unaware to exactly how much he cherished her, until the day she graduated from school and left him alone with his memory once more. She would never hear of how desperately he wanted to run his fingers through her ivory and seafoam colored hair, and trace hearts into her back while she slept beside him. Or how badly he ached to count every beauty mark and scar that dotted her soft skin, and memorize the placement of every single one. No, she'd never know how much it killed him to watch her fall in love with new boys every week, boys that weren't him- while he watched with a resentful and forceful smile.
He could never be so selfish as to force her to indulge in something leading to a painful dead end for the two of them.
And so, some things are better off left unsaid.
Across town, in the middle of a bustling crowd, Nene stopped walking with Kou as her eyes landed on a donut stand. In the corner, untouched, was a pile of plain donuts.
With a gentle, endearing smile, Nene made her way over, and asked the vendor to bag them for her.
She had a delivery to make for her dear friend now, from the festival she desperately wished he could have attended with her.