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Accordingly, the rain started pelting down as soon as Jake tried to step out of the foyer. He hadn’t wanted to come in the first place, and it certainly wasn’t his fault he’d been left here last, but he knew Jay well enough to know he’d make sure Jake didn’t walk home in the rain.
“Stay the night,” he said, his heavy eye makeup and blood red lips smudged from the heavy socialising, but the intricately painted veins on his neck still intact. Remnants of the party lay everywhere, plastic cups with a Pepsi logo on them in 240p scattered across every surface along with pizza crusts and picked off olives. The pumpkin buntings had half fallen and the fake cobwebs were peeling off the walls. The party had been a blast, Jay’s events always were, but Jake hadn’t enjoyed it at all.
“I can’t, thanks though Jay.” Jake should have fought harder when his friends had brought him along, but while the greater part of him resisted, a smaller but stronger part wanted to see how Jay was doing… for selfish reasons. It had backfired. Every corner of the house was etched with memories, and Jake had spent half the evening sitting on a beanbag sipping some red drink and wishing he’d never come.
“Don’t be silly, it’s hailing now. Take the couch.” There wasn’t much Jake could say to turn the offer down. His apartment was twenty minutes away and hail hurt. He’d much rather let it hurt but Jay would never hear it; he’d always been a little too caring.
“I… okay.” Jay smiled, and while he’d been smiling at Jake all evening, forged amicity evident, he finally looked a little happy.
He also looked tired.
“Need a hand with the mess?” Jay sighed and looked at Jake sheepishly.
“That would be great, thanks.”
•••
Two pairs of hands made quick work of it all, and while Jake was glad he could be of help, he also hated the way he knew where everything needed to be. Jay was nitpicky, and Jake knew which bin each item had to go in, and where to fold away the table runners. He knew the glass bottles were rinsed and put outside and the cardboard pizza boxes were flattened, folded in half and then discarded. It was all too familiar, but without the warmth. The last time he remembered doing this he’d been Jay’s happy little assistant in all his planning, and he’d had permission to kiss the host whenever he wanted.
He still wanted to kiss Jay. How could he not? He’d rubbed off the lipstick but the tint remained and made his tired, one am pout all the rosier. Jake really wanted to grab him and press him against the door. The spark had never died but life had taken them to different places, and Jake would never forgive it for taking away that permission.
But Jay said that whatever happened happened for a reason. Always a little too optimistic.
“Sleep?” he said, folding up the last of the buntings meticulously. He’d made them with his own hard work last year while Jake had watched, not allowed to touch lest his clumsy hands cut something wrong.
God, Jake missed that.
“Yeah,” he smiled.
•••
Jay let Jake use the bathroom first, and Jake immediately beelined for the sink to see how dishevelled he looked. Whatever cobwebs Sunghoon had painted on his temples with his unsteady hands had melted in the heat of all the people, leaving black smudges. His lips were tinged blue, as was his neck, even though he’d had no blue face paint left in that cracked old case.
He’d spent the other half of the night making out with Heeseung, and he’d had blue lips, merman something. It had been hot and heavy and Heeseung was tall and lanky and crowded him into the corner in the hallway just perfectly, but it had felt wrong. It had felt wrong because they’d kissed in the same corner he used to kiss Jay after every date, sick and tired of being sweet to each other and just wanting to get their clothes off. Sometimes when they were desperate enough, Jake would lift Jay’s legs up and fuck him right there.
He’d pushed Heeseung off before it could become anything more, and Heeseung had been pretty chill about it. Jake was grateful.
Jake also didn’t have any makeup remover, so he fumbled around in Jay’s cabinet for some. All the bottles and tubs were in the same places, but the little corner Jake used to use for his things had been filled with that new lotion Jay had been wanting to try for a while. They’d broken up before Jay could tell Jake if it was any good.
Jake found the remover and wiped his face clean. And his neck. He wished he could wipe away the red marks underneath the blue.
Then he pulled his clothes off and slid on the hoodie and sweats Jay had leant him. It was the hoodie he’d gotten Jay for a birthday once, but if the boy had remembered that he wouldn’t have given it to him. He’d spent so many nights thinking about what it would be like to meet Jay again properly, and now that he was he was slowly drowning in misery. It would have been better if he’d just pretended that Jay hadn’t moved on and gotten on with his own life.
He picked up the toothbrush Jay had given him and grabbed the cup he kept his own brush in. There was some medical toothpaste in it, a new addition, and Jake uncapped it, squeezing some on his toothbrush. It was salty instead of sweet, and the tube promised some gum healing remedy, which seemed appropriate. Jay’s gums were weak and every time he knocked them with his toothbrush they’d become a sore which Jake would make sure to press into with his tongue whenever they would kiss because Jay’s wince of pain was lovely to behold.
Jake brushed his teeth, and then spat into the sink, rinsing the dirt of the day down. He took a deep breath, hoping to evade Jay and make himself inconspicuous on the sofa till morning. Then he patted his face dry and moved to the door.
Jay’s fist was raised ready to rap when Jake swung it open. Jake gave a small start, not expecting to see him so up close, and Jay chuckled, dry but not cold.
“Good timing,” he said, an easy smile on his face. Jake blinked but smiled back, and immediately tried to slip between Jay and the doorframe. Having him so near brought up feelings Jake had strained to bury, and that was hard work he didn’t have the energy to do again.
Jay brought his hand up and grabbed Jake’s shoulder, stopping him from leaving. Jake’s breath hitched at the contact, but he didn’t try to push away.
“Slipping away like that? You know you looked awfully miserable all evening.” Jake laughed, this time only dry. Of course Jay saw right through him.
“Just… tired.” Jay wasn’t buying it. “…Nostalgic?” Jay sighed and stepped forward, and Jake gulped because Jay looked so good today clad in all black and neon and it was hard to resist what wasn’t his. He both wanted to hug him till dawn and fuck him till dawn, but thinking about it was pulling those feelings up too fast. “I see you got that lotion,” he said, trying to change the subject. If he didn’t, Jay would try to get to the bottom of things and Jake was feeling a little exposed around him already. Jay smiled.
“Yeah. It’s not that great,” he said, stepping into the bathroom properly and grabbing the tub. He stared at it for a few moments, his smile slowly fading into a concentrated pout, before looking up. “Not worth it,” he concluded.
Jay loved calculating the worth of things. He’d average it out and convert it all to one form in his head so that if he wanted to compare people to inanimate things to hypothetical situations he could. Jake had admired that part of Jay at first, but that had backfired too. Right at his own face.
Jake nodded, and slipped out of the bathroom. But before he could leave properly, he couldn’t help the urge to turn around and ask Jay one small thing.
“Hey Jay,” he said. Jay raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Do you remember this hoodie.” Jake watched Jay’s calm face blush slightly at the question.
“I do, you gave it to me,” he said, before his cheeks turned completely pink. “And then you fucked me in it so hard.” Jake put his hands in the pockets, looking down at the zip up as if looking for remnants of that night.
“Yeah,” he said, tone more satisfied than he wanted it to sound. “I did.” He turned around again, ready to sleep, when he heard a patter and Jay grabbed his shoulder again, this time swinging him around.
They were inches apart now, not like before because Jake could feel Jay’s breath on his lips. It was dizzying, and it was going to make Jake cave if he wasn’t careful. It seemed that Jay already had because his cheeks were still warm and his eyes were glinting with something Jake hadn’t seen in so long.
Jake’s hand twitched, so used to touching Jay without a worry. Jay sensed that, and he grabbed it and placed it on his chest, right above his heart. It was thundering.
“Do you feel that?” he asked, voice low but sure. “I’m sorry if this is sudden but Jesus, you’re here and I thought I was done with it all but I’m not.”
Jake didn’t move his palm. It was like the swirl of the last year was all gathering into this moment, destructive and potent.
“I made a mistake and I’m sorry Jake but I’m selfish too and I missed you, more than I thought I did.” Jake swallowed, and he was sure his own heart was thundering back.
“Don’t- don’t apologise. It was me too,” he said, not wanting to see Jay beat himself up for something he didn’t do wrong. He’d rather die than watch Jay hurt.
“We both… we should have made more effort, we could have made it work.” Jay said, and he looked at Jake with a begging gaze. Like he was asking Jake to say something so that he’d know where to go from here.
Jake had always been bad with words, and having a moment he’d dreamed about both in his daydreams and nightmares coming true wasn’t going to change that. Could they have made it work? He had no idea. Nor did he know if they still could. All he knew for sure was that the last year had been so lonely he needed to be next to Jay. Now or later, he needed him.
He felt his resolution crumble, and decided that if this was a mistake he’d sort it out tomorrow. He was being given permission to kiss him again and that was too good an offer to turn down. So he didn’t say anything, and leaned forward to do exactly that.
Jay hadn’t expected it, but it was like muscle memory because they melted into each other like butter right away. Jay tangled his hands in Jake’s hair, pulling him as close in as possible, and Jake let his hands rest on Jay’s waist, placated again. He walked them to the bed until Jay’s legs hit the frame, and then lowered him down carefully.
The sight made his heart skip a beat, because it was so familiar yet so new. It was like coming home after a long holiday to see that everything was eerily similar, but also slightly different because some drains weren’t working and the stray cat had had kittens and everything was still living without him. Living, but vacant. That was how Jake had felt at least.
Jay’s hands had moved away from his hair and had already unzipped the hoodie. Jake’s bare skin was underneath and Jay seemed more than happy to just touch and stare, fingers running over his chest and nipples like he couldn’t believe this was real.
Jake also couldn’t believe this was real, but he didn’t want to voice it in case it broke the spell. Instead he took off Jay’s outfit, just like he’d wanted to, and silently dropped the items on the other side of the bed so he could have his turn to take in every part of Jay he could.
He started with his chest, kissing the soft skin and inhaling the musty smell of the day as he went. They were both a bit grubby, choosing to shower in the morning, but Jake preferred it when Jay didn’t smell of sickly sweet shampoos and instead of himself.
He worked his way down his stomach, relishing in the way Jay’s breathing became heavier with each inch he moved, before he arrived at his underwear. Every small tremor of Jay’s body was a giveaway, and Jake knew it meant how much he wanted this but he still looked up, asking for permission with his eyes.
Jay nodded and Jake rubbed his lips over the bulge before pulling Jay’s underwear off too. He mouthed over his length but didn’t touch it, greedy and wanting to get to the goods right away. He leaned back up, fumbling under the pillow for the lube he knew Jay kept there, kissing and licking his jaw all the while. There was a small rough patch he’d missed when shaving and Jake couldn’t help but smile against it as he found the bottle and pulled it out.
Without waiting, he uncapped it and squeezed some on his hand. Jay was watching him all the while, as breathless with anticipation as he was, and his eyes fluttered when Jake prodded at his hole and slipped a finger in.
“Did you ever think about me?” Jake asked. For someone who’d been trying to avoid this until an hour ago, it was a poisonous question but being above Jay was making him feel a little too invincible.
“Yea- yeah,” breathed Jay as Jake added a second finger. “It was hard to not.” Jake felt a spark bloom in his heart, different to all the lust he was feeling.
“And I thought I was bad at trying to forget,” he chuckled, pumping and thrusting and beginning to edge another finger in.
“How could I forget you?” muttered Jay, and Jake’s heart almost cracked.
He pulled his fingers out and wiped them on the sheet, opening Jay’s bedside drawer and grabbing a condom. He tugged it on, Jay’s eyes never leaving him, but before he could do anything Jay spoke again.
“When you said you stopped loving me, did you mean it?” he asked. Jake stilled, lowering his head slightly.
“Fuck. No. We both know I didn’t mean it. I just thought it would hurt less for us to both try to believe that when you left.”
“Idiot,” huffed Jay, and he slicked Jake’s dick up and aligned it with his hole. He hooked his legs around Jake’s torso and pushed him in all the way.
Jake had spent his last year not moping per say, but definitely searching for some highlight. As the months passed, it was like he’d forgotten that to him that was Jay, and being close to him again, bodies merging into one, he remembered. Jay’s warm, cupcake laced breath on his lips was like fresh air, and his gasps and moans as Jake thrusted were an untouchable melody. It was akin to the feeling of hearing an old song after a long time, the sudden jolt and fond memories rushing in.
“Fuck, I missed you,” said Jake, voice heavy already.
“Missed me? Or missed this?” said Jay lightheartedly. His chuckle melded into a gasp when Jake hit his sweet spot, and Jake felt his hands grasp his shoulders.
“All of it,” Jake replied, and he wrapped his hand around Jay’s leaking length.
“Shit- Jake…” he cried, words fading away as Jake picked up the pace. Jay was a collected person, or at least tried to make himself seem so, and Jake’s highlight of the highlights was this; watching his other side break through in a sweet cacophony of pleas and moans. It had been his favourite thing before and apparently it still was now.
“Hmm?” Jake hummed, even though he knew Jay didn’t have anything to say. He just wanted to feel Jake’s name on his tongue. Jake leaned down for his own taste of Jay again, biting and sucking on the side of his neck without the veins. He was sure his own purples and blues would look better in the morning and those thoughts spurred him on until black, mascara laced tears started leaving a trail connecting the pillow to Jay’s blown eyes.
“Jake I’m- I’m gonna…” he said between his choppy breaths, and Jake took his length in his hand, urging him on silently and making sure to thrust in where he knew it felt best. He thumbed once over the tip and Jay tightened around him in a silent gasp, one which Jake wanted to hide away from anyone else in the world. He came, and his semen coated Jake’s hand, warm and sticky and splattering on the hoodie slightly. Amongst his hazy mind and surging orgasm, Jake hoped that it would stain properly this time so that Jay would always think of him when he saw it.
After a few more thrusts and the sight of Jay’s colourful neck, Jake also felt a familiar knot in his gut. Every night he’d jerk off was akin to it but without the warmth. He came, filling up the condom, and all he could think of was that maybe tonight it wouldn’t leave him feeling lonelier than ever.
He took a few breaths and wiped his hand clean on the hoodie, and the dejavu knocked some reality into him. He pulled out and threw the condom away before taking the hoodie off and using it to wipe Jay’s stomach clean. Jay looked tired but all his focus was on watching Jake move about the room.
“The place looks right with you in it,” he said, drawing the sheet over his body but leaving some space on the side in case Jake wanted to come back.
“And I feel right in it,” he said. The way Jay grinned back at him when he dropped back on the bed would stay etched in his memory forever.