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“Gillian?“ Caroline’s voice drew Gillian’s attention and the sheep farmer quickly stumped out her cigarette on the wall. She wasn’t a smoker, not really, but today she felt like she needed it. It had been one hell of a day. One hell of a month actually.
“Hi Caz…“ She gave Caroline a weak smile as the headteacher climbed onto the wall next to her. The sun was setting and the view of the valley was as magnificent as ever. Only to the two of them, the golden sunshine and mild breeze did nothing to warm them. Grief surrounded them like a shadow. It engulfed the entire farm and Gillian had found it so suffocating, that she had excused herself from the guests. Caroline kicked off her black heels and dropped them next to Gillian’s flatter pair that lay abandoned by the wall.
“How are you doing?“ The headteacher asked after a while.
“Similar to you, I’d expect…“ Gillian hummed thoughtfully. Now that she had given up on her cigarette, she started fumbling with the skirt of her black dress.
“Never thought it would be this way around…“ Caroline mused, looking out into the valley.
“Nah, me neither…“ Gillian mumbled, as her thoughts, too, turned to their parents. As if she hadn’t been thinking about her dad all day anyway. It had been his funeral today. The wake was carrying on inside but she wasn’t able to face the pitiful looks and well-wishers right about now. She wanted to be left alone with her grief instead of being pestered by people who didn’t understand. Caroline, however, was the exception, Caroline understood exactly what she was going through. “You know you can die of a broken heart… happens a lot with elderly couples, once one of them is gone, other doesn’t hang round and…“ Gillian’s voice trailed off as tears fell from her eyes again.
“I’m so sorry, Gillian…“ Caroline was quick to pull her into a tight hug as the sheep farmer shook with sobs. Gillian wrapped her arms around her and rested her head against her shoulders. She didn’t like people seeing her weak or upset but for this Caroline was the exception too. She knew she wouldn’t judge her and she always gave her comfort she so dearly needed. The headteacher stroked her back and whispered reassuring words to her as they sat for a while, lost to their grief.
“At least they’re together again I guess…“ Gillian pulled herself together at last, taking a deep breath. She sat up and wiped her damp cheeks awkwardly.
“Yeah…“ Caroline nodded in agreement and looked back into the valley thoughtfully. “And they had a long time together, considering, didn’t they?“ She gave a soft smile and looked at Gillian again who was still trying to sort out her tearful face.
“Yeah… it was a really wonderful thing for them…“ Gillian agreed, mirroring her expression.
“For us too,“ Caroline carried on, she reached out and took the sheep farmer’s hand to stop her fidgeting. “I mean, we would never have got to know each other if it hadn’t been for their late-in-life romance.“
“True… we would have had absolutely no reasons to ever cross paths in our lives,“ Gillian chuckled as she regarded their intertwined fingers.
“And I’m really grateful for that. I can’t imagine my life without you in it now,“ Caroline gave her hand a squeeze and Gillian took a deep breath, trying her best to keep a tight grip on her emotions.
“Same,“ she nodded as a single-syllable word was all she dared saying for fear of getting choked up again. They stayed like that for a while, holding hands and taking comfort in each other’s presence as they looked out into the valley, thinking about their parents and the funny twists and turns their lives had taken to bring them here.
“Do you want to go back inside?“ Caroline asked after a while when the sun had nearly set.
“No.“ Gillian shook her head, then looked over to her. “Do you?“
“No.“ Caroline shook her head as well, then carried on: “Do you want me to leave you to it?“
“No.“ Tears returned to the sheep farmer’s eyes and she hung her head as her emotions overwhelmed her once more. She didn’t want her to leave as she didn’t feel up to facing her emotional turmoil alone. Rationally, she knew their parents had been very old indeed, they had lived well, loved a lot and been happy, but it didn’t take away from the gap they left in their lives.
“Oh Gillian…“ Caroline’s heart broke for her, she reached out, cupped her face and kissed her cheek, in hope of soothing her.
“How are you always so calm and collected?“ Gillian sniffed, almost embarrassed.
“I’m not, not always,“ Caroline gave her a gentle smile, the sheep farmer had witnessed her losing herself too.
“Most of the time then,“ Gillian gave a shrug.
“Practice. Lots and lots of practice,“ the headteacher sighed.
“Well, yeah you would have had a lot of that with your mum, she knew how to push your buttons,“ Gillian found herself chuckling, despite the sad situation.
“Yes,“ Caroline could only agree, laughing a little herself. “While you… your dad, he was always so supportive, he accepted you for who you were, you never had to learn to control yourself the way I did, I guess… I envy you for that…“ she confessed. There had been a lot of pressure in her life. Expectations and disapproval. She had had to learn to moderate herself.
“I miss him so much already,“ Gillian sobbed.
“Me too. He was a wonderful man, your dad, I was really lucky to have known him,“ Caroline agreed, tears welling up in her eyes as well now.
“Your mum wasn’t half bad either, she had her heart in the right place and she made my dad so happy,“ Gillian carried on and Caroline smiled:
“They made each other happy.“
“They did,“ the sheep farmer nodded in agreement.
“And you make me happy,“ Caroline added before she could stop herself or think better of it.
“I do?“ Gillian’s voice was small and unsure and not without surprise. It always hurt Caroline to witness how little she seemed to think of herself.
“More than you know,“ the headteacher took a deep breath and forced a smile, trying not to get carried away. She reached out again and tucked a strand of Gillian’s hair behind her ear. Gillian took hold of her hand and brought it to her lips, kissing her knuckles. The gesture made Caroline’s heart flutter and her breath catch. When Gillian looked up from her hand to meet her eyes, they didn’t need words to understand each other. It was the sheep farmer that took the plunge, she dropped her hand and cupped her cheek instead as she leaned forward and kissed her. Caroline acted on instinct. She wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close, returning her kiss with eagerness that surprised both of them.
“Your mum would turn in her grave if she knew…“ Gillian mumbled, resting her forehead against Caroline’s.
“While I imagine your dad might be quite pleased for us?“ The headteacher hummed, a little breathless.
“Not sure his tolerance level would have stretched to me shagging my step sister,“ Gillian gave an apologetic smile but it didn’t stop her from pressing another kiss to her lips.
“Technically… we’re not step sisters now…“ Caroline pointed out, unsure whether to laugh or cry about it right now. She couldn’t deny how light her heart felt all of a sudden for having Gillian so close and a willing participant to what she had wished for for a long time.
“You make a good point Dr. McKenzie-Dawson,“ Gillian chuckled.
“I just… I guess part of me was always scared that once our parents are gone, we would have no reason to see each other anymore…“ Caroline confessed, stroking her fingertips down Gillian’s cheek, warm to her touch.
“Caroline, that’s silly…“ the sheep farmer retorted but the headteacher interrupted her, as she hadn’t finished.
“When what I really want, Gillian, and I have wanted for a long time, is to spend even more time with you. And yes, maybe it was our parents' inevitable disapproval that stopped me from saying something sooner but…“
“Caroline, stop…“ Gillian tried to interrupt softly but Caroline carried on:
“No, I need to say this, I want to -“
“You don’t have to, I already know and I feel the same way,“ Gillian cut her off.
“You do?“ Caroline’s eyes widened. Maybe it shouldn’t have been all that surprising as they had just kissed but hearing her say it was something else entirely.
“I mean, we’re both emotional, we’ve both… lost something, the people that were… closest to us but… maybe we’ve found something too?“ She gave her a hopeful look and Caroline found herself nodding, trying her best not to get overcome with emotions again.
“I couldn’t stand losing you too…“ Caroline lowered her gaze, as her vision blurred with tears. She had been terrified that with their parents gone, their families would pull apart again. Not in her wildest dreams would she have expected Gillian to accept her feelings for her, never mind return them, yet here they were.
“I’m not going anywhere,“ Gillian promised, pulling her into a tight embrace.