Chapter Text
I can't believe this is happening.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
Why me? I mean, come on. Look at me. Look at him.
Listen to him...
Why me?
Just give me a reason
To keep my heart beating
Don't worry it's safe right here in my arms
My voice cracks ever-so-slightly as he opens his arms to me - to me , not to the crowd. Should I tell him? Like, hey, Noctis? The audience is over there.
Call me Noct , he said. You're a part of this.
He said I'm one of them now.
He also looked at me and said, Come on, chick. Sing with me.
This isn't in my contract. The other guys in his band all had that look on their faces when he asked me that. Rolling their eyes like there's no stopping him anyway so let's not bother trying . Shrugging like Oh, well, and brushing it off as if it was nothing. As if my lungs hadn't forgotten how to breathe all of a sudden.
As the world falls apart around us
All we can do is hold on, hold on
I'm just the supporting act. I'm not supposed to get back onstage after I'm done. I sing five songs to get the crowd warmed up for the band and then I'm out. I shouldn't be here.
But I couldn't say no. I can't ever. But now that I'm here, facing him and singing with him, I think I should have. This is too much.
He's too close. He'll burn me down like a moth flying into the flame. I feel like I might die every second. He's so powerful . I'm supposed to put on a show too, but it's hard to breathe. I force my eyes off and away from him and turn to the audience.
My lungs fill with oxygen and I sing.
Take my hand
And bring me back
I hold my hands out to them and I think they roar - it’s hard to tell with the music and the earplugs. Part of me wonders why they'd even look at me when Noctis fucking Lucis Caelum is standing on that same stage. But then, it's an audience, a very large one. I get to show them what I can do tonight - twice! I'd be stupid to let an opportunity like this pass me by so I push myself harder.
I'll risk everything if it's for you
A whisper into the night
Telling me it's not my time and don't give up
I've never stood up before
This time, I can't give up
I can't let go of the hand I hold
I shout the lyrics, loud and clear.
You know the song, right? Noctis said with a smile when he came to me backstage after the previous track was over. He was shirtless and standing so close to me and smiling at me, I think I would have said yes even if he asked if I wanted to get my nails pulled out with rusty pinchers. I can’t think straight whenever he’s this close. I need to get used to it, but it’s only been three days since the tour started and it’s still so fresh.
I fight it, but deep down - not even that deep, it’s actually very close to the surface - I’m just a fan. A huge, desperate case of a fanboy. He's plastered on every wall of my room, I know more things about him than any guy I’ve ever dated. I'm using his name as a password and his birthday as a pin code. I’m obsessed.
Do I know the lyrics? Did I or did I not spend hours playing that melody on my guitar, did I or did I not sing along to it, listening to my voice melting with his, dreaming that I was onstage with him? I never thought it would actually happen one day, yet here I am. His band is playing and he’s singing next to me, I feel his presence even if I don't look his way. He’s come closer.
I turn to him and sure enough, he’s there, looking at me. Our eyes meet and hook and I can’t look away this time.
So stand up, stand up
Just gotta keep it
I wanna wake up, wake up
Just tell me how I can
Never give up
It's painfully crazy
I wanted to walk in his shoes, I wanted to be him. I’ve always looked up to him, his songs gave me life, purpose. He doesn’t need to know that he’s the sole reason I’m here. That the very first time this little provincial singer picked up a guitar was because of him. I’m here, I’m with him. I exist in a way I’d never imagined I would ever.
He only needs to see me as I am now.
I can’t screw this up. I need to show him who I am. That I’m like him. A little. Kind of. Oh, please, please, let me be half the man he is. Let me try, let him see me for real.
Somehow I don’t feel that crushed by his presence anymore. He’s looking at me like he doesn’t care about anything else, like I’m all he wants to see, and this is it.
This is my dream. This is the one place and time where I’ve been headed all of my life. And he put me there. He’s the one who asked. It’s my chance, the one he’s giving me.
All I can think of is how I want to shine for him. I want to be the flame, and I sing with him, to him.
Just tell me why baby
They might call me crazy
For saying I'll fight until there is no more
There's a sad look in your eyes
It reflects our urgency right?
Blinded I can't see the end
So where do I begin
He’s smiling. It’s an encouraging smile, but there’s something else, something more. I don’t quite dare to believe it - is he… impressed? I never see him when I’m on stage, does he listen? Does he watch my little show? It’s enough that he wanted me on this tour, but now I wonder…
Does he… like me?
He wouldn’t have me here if he didn’t think I’m good.
The idea drives me crazy. It sets my blood on fire and I tear my eyes off his, of his somewhat admirative gaze (I probably misread it) and his dorky smile. Where does that come from? I’ve never seen him smile that way…
I jump on a speaker and the beat pierces right through me. My body vibrates with the sound, my bones are shaking. I don’t even have my guitar, I’m still wearing the headset I had on. My hands are free and I move, I dance, I scream and shout until my voice covers even his. But for a second, for this second, this instant, I forget to care. I look at the crowd and I feel their looks raking me up and down, it’s so intense it’s almost like a touch.
I don’t hear Noctis anymore.
They’re mine.
Say not a word I can hear you
The silence between us
Just reflects like there was nothing
I'll take this chance and I'll make it mine
I can't hide it
Pretending to be decorated
I feel so empowered I don't even know what I'm doing. My body is moving on its own volition and I feel my eyes burning. This song, like many others, reaches down into me and touches my heart. So many times I've heard his words and thought, How does he know me so well?
I wish I wrote this, I wish this was mine. I feel it in my soul and I turn to him.
My God, my King, my idol.
My oblivious soul brother who approaches, singing. I still can't quite hear him, but his eyes are on me and only me. I feel coveted by this gaze, I can't believe he would look at me that way.
But then, it's a show. He's asked me to join him here, he's not gonna ignore me. He's including me, making me a part of this.
I’m so lucky.
So stand up, stand up
Just gotta keep it
I wanna wake up, wake up
Just tell me how I can
Never give up
Even through sorrow and pain
Even if I know it's an act, I can't hold his gaze. It's too warm. It feels like an embrace and I have to turn away or I might actually start crying. It means so much to me to be here, standing by him, but I can't give myself away. I can't jeopardise this, this opportunity by betraying how much of a lovesick fool I am.
Don't, don't. Don't look at me like that… it feels too good, it hurts. It scares me.
I focus on the crowd, on their hands reaching out like they're trying to grab. Some of that is directed at me, some of these eyes are trained on me. I go to the edge of the stage and kneel and I reach out to them too. A girl starts crying and I smile at her. I want to jump down and go to her, but I know better than to do that so I look her straight in the eye and wave. She smiles back and grabs the arm of the girl next to her, whose eyes aren’t on me, but who looks equally entranced. I know that gaze is trained on Noctis and when I see it move towards me, I know what it means. When the girl’s eyes stop right over my head, I know he’s there. Right behind me. It makes my heart squeeze hard. Somehow, I feel his touch before it even comes.
Just give me a reason
To keep my heart beating
Don't worry it's safe right here in my arms
I think this is crumbling and crying
It's blooming now
So blinded I can't see the end
At first it’s his hand on my shoulder and his voice suddenly rising higher, stronger and I can’t help it, I turn to him. His eyes take hold of me more efficiently than any chains or ropes could. I’m entrapped in that gaze, mesmerised. When he holds out his other hand to me, I don’t even think. I take it.
His fingers are like steel as he pulls me back on my feet. I stagger, barely managing to regain my balance before I stumble against him. We’re both shirtless. I can’t touch him. I’d lose my mind.
He doesn’t let go of me. I let go of his hand but he holds on to mine. He links our fingers together and my heart does a triple axel while my stomach launches into a combination spin as I meet his eyes.
Oh my God. Noctis, stop. Don’t look at me like that. What kind of act is that? The crowd seems to get wilder, but I can’t be sure. Not when he’s facing me, holding my hand, singing like every word is directed at me.
I can’t move. I can barely breathe. I’ve stopped singing at some point. As he stands so close to me, his gaze burning my skin, every ounce of professionalism leaves my body. I’m not a singer anymore, there’s nothing left of that little internet sensation with ten thousand followers that somehow caught the eye of a God.
I’m back to square one - the hopeless fanboy desperately in love with his idol. And as his hand lets go of mine, I don’t even have time to regret it or be relieved as he reaches out for my shoulder.
Look how far we've made it
The pain I can't escape it
There's no way for me to end this myself
Even if I nearly die, even if I nearly decay
There is still no ending in sight
So where do I begin
Heavens above, he’s touching me.
He’s still singing, strong and powerful even as his voice does break a little when he pulls me closer.
This can’t be happening. I’m dreaming.
But if it’s a dream… Why do I feel everything?
His eyes release mine as he lowers his head, yet I’m still paralysed when it comes resting against my shoulder.
I feel his damp hair against my skin.
I feel his fingers pressed against the back of my neck.
I hear the crowd exploding.
It feels impossibly intimate, as if he was literally making love to me here, in front of twenty thousand people. I can’t suppress a moan, but his voice covers it. He’s still singing but he sounds different. The passion has subsided and he presses closer, as if he’s hiding.
He feels fragile. Vulnerable.
Without thinking, I reach out and put my arm around him, sheltering his face from the audience’s gaze.
I’m lost. Holding on to him, I let my head fall back as I try to breathe and then his hair is all over the sensitive skin of my throat.
I moan again, my fingers clutching his neck. I can’t help it, even if I know his arm is resting on my chest, right over my heart and there’s no way he doesn’t feel it thundering.
I need to let go. I need so much more. This has to stop right now.
I want to stay like this forever.
He keeps singing. I’m just gone.
I grasped hold of it tightly so I won't lose it
Because if I open my hands, it'll escape
There was nothing to make me lose you
Even as you change for me
There’s a pause and even as he stops singing and catches his breath, he doesn’t let go. I feel that he’s gasping, breathing as hard as I do. It’s overwhelming.
We stay like that while the band plays on, unleashed guitars and drums surging around us and taking over the raging crowd and right before the very last moment, Noctis’s hand leaves my neck.
It comes down my chest and I could swear it runs purposefully over my heart, briefly pausing there as if to feel its furious beating before dropping even lower. I forget how to breathe again when it slides around my waist and he fucking hugs me. Both his arms are suddenly involved and before I can realise what he’s doing, I’m pressed against him, chest to chest, our naked skins flush against each other.
I can't hear anymore. I'm blind and deaf to anything that isn't him. My ears feel like they're filled with cotton balls.
His face comes nestling in my neck, I feel it all - his eyelashes tickling me, his nose, his rough, unshaven cheek chafing my skin.
And his mouth.
His lips are pressed there, right at the junction of my neck and shoulder and if I didn’t know better, I could almost believe that he kisses me.
I’m going to take this sensation to my grave. This is the closest to Heaven I’ll ever get.
When he lets go of me, stepping back and starting to sing again, I want to hold him back. The distance between us feels like miles, even if he only stands at arms length from me.
Just tell me why baby
They might call me crazy
For saying I'll fight until there is no more
There's a sad look in your eyes
It reflects our urgency right?
Blinded I can't see the end
He's straightening up slowly, his eyes now avoiding mine. His voice sounds softer than it did before as he goes through these lines, and the urge to kiss him here and now is the most powerful compulsion I've ever felt.
I don't even know how I manage to resist it, but I do. There's so much at stake.
It was all play, for the sake of the show and it worked. I hear the crowd and they're going nuts . That's everything he wanted and I just made up that kissing sensation I felt.
Why would he ever look at me that way? I think again as he finally lets go and walks away from me. I watch him, still elated but also sad. It's true - why would he?
He's a God and I'm just a kid. I can't tie his laces.
As he sings the last lines of the song, I remember why I'm here and I join in. He remains turned to the audience and there's something awkward about his stance that I don't think I've ever seen before.
Look how far we've made it
The pain I can't escape it
There's no way for me to end this myself
Even if I nearly die, even if I nearly decay
There is still no ending in sight
It finally begins
As the song ends, I wave to the crowd and they answer by screaming at the top of their lungs. I cross Noctis’s eyes and he smiles at me and waves too.
Their show isn't over but mine is. And there is a part of me that feels relieved by that as I return backstage.
It's better to stop it now.
If this had lasted more than a song… I'm pretty sure I would have ended up doing something stupid.