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“Please.”
“Please, just tell me he’s okay?”
Ginger takes a breath speaking over the nurses trying to get Jack stable, “He will be. We’re doing our best, but you should get down here. A helicopter’s being sent over to get you.”
Her tone was strong, secure, and confident. It was everything you weren’t in this very moment and everything you wished to be.
Jack had left for his mission out to the Alps a few weeks ago and he constantly checked in. It was normal at this point, to see him off waving goodbye heading to do the usual overseas traveling and those dangerous on the field missions that always kept you up wondering.
After his night would end, he’d call and you’d sleep on his side of the bed taking in the smell hearing him speak to you over the phone. Sleeping on that side inhaling that woodsy cologne brought you so much comfort, a shield in a way which was strange how it managed to cement your surety that he’ll come back. He always did. He never broke his promise.
You sat up pushing up from his pillow clutching the material hard till your knuckles turned white. You tried to find yours words again to answer her, but they failed you. The best you could come up with was a mumbled noise confirming you heard what she said.
For a split second you were sure that your heart was going to give out, it wanted to stop beating if there was any chance that he could be gone. This was irrational yes, but to live on without him. To be able to live and walk this earth without the person that’s made life worth living? The thought scared you to death.
All the air in your lungs was exhausted as if it you were just punched in the chest. A punch that should’ve never happened in the first place, it made no sense how could Jack have been shot. This can’t be happening—shouldn’t be happening, he was just here days ago walking down the halls of the house going on about getting a new hat.
Reality was of where you were was starting to set in, it all felt too unreal and oh, how you begged for it to be a fucking dream.
As if the bones in your body heard your panic, it pulled to Jack’s voice from his last goodbye to the front of your mind.
“I’ll see you soon, don’t fret peaches.”
His sleepy southern drawl had whispered sweet devotions to your ear just the night before his departure. Your skin shivered recalling the sound, it was so close to you, right there that you could practically reach out and grab him. Instead of your hands reaching for him, your heart pulled you out of bed finding your footing.
Don’t fret.
If only it was that easy, the immeasurable amount of panic cursing through your veins was driving your body to lose focus as you attempted to stand. You felt an uneasy settlement of anxiety nestle at the base of your stomach, fluttering around. There was no use trying to find some sense of calm. And how could you? Your whole world was about to change in a matter of minutes.
You held the phone tightly to your chest trying to breathe through your nose and get a sense of some stability which was damn near impossible. Your chest was pounding at the possibly that when your other hand leaned on the nightstand, panic was erupting. You looked around the room searching for the bathroom’s door that in midst of the search your eyes caught Jack’s smile. The framed portrait of the both of you at graduation, it was the same night Jack had let you into his heart fully, ever since then his smile never left your side. His arms were wrapped around your waist leaning you back into a dip kissing you. That was one of your favorite memories.
Even though that was years ago there was not one single intention in your body to stop making memories. You both were destined to grow old together, create more moments like that day because this isn’t how your story ends. To hell with that possibility.
Yet your nerves were saying otherwise.
You felt the start of bile rise from the pits of your stomach urging your legs to find their way to the bathroom, everything you passed including the framed image was a blur as you entered dropping to your knees at the toilet. Jack’s voice, Ginger’s heart shattering news mingled with the framed image became burned into your brain taunting you as you threw up. The combination was a reminder that you could going to lose him. It fucking was deafening that you didn’t protect him enough—warned him to watch his back. Now he was going to leave you when you both barely started.
With the phone on the floor you clutched the rim of the toilet with eyes watered from heaving and nothing more. Nothing more, you kept remind yourself. This isn’t the time to cry not when he needs you to get up. The minute you let your sadness take over you fear that he’s gone and he isn’t. You weren’t going to give up hope no matter how much your brain told you otherwise,
Jack will be home with you again.
You reached up for the sink’s edge to rapidly wash your face and mouth. Throwing on the closest pair of shoes, jeans you skipped some steps heading down the stairs. While reaching for the keys, you were met by Jack’s black leather jacket on the hanger near the door. He wore it all the time, you could practically taste his cologne scented smell on your tongue, the taste of his skin was passed around to each of your tastebuds. It hit your nerves tingling the release of sadness, you foolishly tried to shake it off.
Biting your lip you reached out to feel the leather smooth under your finger tips as you gripped the sleeve, “It should be there in seconds, be ready!” Ginger’s warning over the speaker snapped you out your daze.
Locking the door of the house, you threw on his jacket looking up to see the helicopter coming down from the pitch black sky.
Impatiently waiting for it to land safely your knees trembled like they were about to snap with your nerves growing heavier in the pit of your stomach. You placed a hand over it attempting to hold yourself together just a bit longer as you hopped into the helicopter. This isn’t the end for him, as long as you’re here alive so is he.
On the way to the Statesmen facility you were informed that on the scene there was a man that Jack had been partnered up with from another agency who was able to save him granting him enough time to be flown closer to HQ. As much as you were thankful for this man, it didn’t stop you from thinking the imaginable. Your mind started to think of the harrowing what if’s.
What if he loses his sight or hearing?
Then you’d help him find his way no matter what.
What if he lost his memories?
Then you’d help him remember that too, however long it takes and if he wants it.
The most heart clenching one…What if he doesn’t survive after all efforts have been used to save him?
After that…you really don’t know.
You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth bouncing your leg with eagerness to see him, to visibly see your husband. That’s all you needed to focus on until then all the what if’s can wait for later.
The inside of the helicopter was suffocating to say the least. It was hot and thick, your skin was starting to feel hot and your temples were sweating, but strangely your hands they were stiff and cold. As if all the blood in your body was being drained the closer you saw the facility in sight. In failed attempts to restore some warmth you shut your eyes clenching and unclenching your fists. You need to get it together before seeing Jack you kept telling yourself.
The pilot announced that they’re touching down in a few and Jack was finally seconds away that your heart leaped out of your chest encouraging your legs to follow suit, barely waiting for the helicopter to touch down you hopped at a manageable height and ran. You ran as fast as you could to the elevator ignoring the pilots anger making your way to the elevator buttons, impatiently pressing for the medical floor.
At every ding your panic began to entice your tears, but you held on shifting your feet trying to breathe staring up at the monitor watching the floor numbers change.
It took incredibly long, but finally reaching the floor you noticed the nurses departing from Jack’s room along with Ginger behind that you started to jog coming in view of Jack’s arms followed by his messy dark brown hair resting on the pillow. You dashed inside slipping from their grasps at your arm trying to search for movement coming from Jack’s chest.
The rush of adrenaline stopped. As much as you wanted to touch him on the way over your heart couldn’t bare to do it. You froze covering your mouth stepping close to the end of the bed frame. Your eyes narrowed down to the way his chest was moving, he was breathing easily. Your Jack was okay.
Alive and stable.
The hold your body was struggling to contain was beginning to slip away too fast to get a catch. The constant sounds of the machines beeping at a steady and strong beat was enough to give you strength for the time being. You just needed to see it, hear it, and now feel it.
Through your glossy vision you kept your eyes glued to his chest, “That’s my man.”
Your hands hovered over his ankles, debating whether to touch him or not, maybe it would help...
Gingerly reaching for his ankles covered in the white blanket you grasped feeling his bones, you thought it was silly, but deep down you figured there could be a chance he might feel you holding on to wake him. You stared down at his legs and curves of his feet when your eyes caught the dazzling glint of your emerald wedding ring. The sting of tears began to cascade, not from sadness or grief, but from relief that he’s okay and he’s back again with you.
Your huffed a weak breath rubbing his ankles with timid sadness trying to speak, but a hushed laugh escaped your lips. You recalled trying to seek comfort in all this that whenever you felt sad how Jack would pull you into his arms, whether in bed or after a silly argument, he’d always sing his favorite song.
It was by Paul Simon, those catchy lyrics were engraved in the grooves of your brain. With a sob you smiled through finishing a line for him to hear you, “‘Hop on the bus, Gus.’ I’ll wait for you Jack.”
Ginger knocked gently stepping behind you, “I wanted to give you both some privacy and close the curtains.”
Before she left you reached back to pull her into a hug finally giving you enough strength to speak over your tears to thank her and whoever patched him up.
You pulled back wiping them away to get together, “Will he wake up?”
She looked at Jack sleeping before looking at you grabbing your hand, “He will, he just needs time to wake up. But we do not know if his memories will return and he might have a headache, so please prepare for that.”
You gave Ginger your best face nodding in acknowledgement trying to ignore the way you felt your chest tremble hearing those words, could there be really a chance he didn’t remember you?
You looked back at Jack returning to your previous position wondering what he was dreaming about. Was it you? Was it someone else from his past before you? His face was expressionless, for the first time ever it felt unreadable to you. It scared you. When your up at night he was the one that occupied your dreams and those sleepless nights he always wrapped his arm around you, he had to remember you. Your hands went numb with fear setting in your heart. Again there was that nestle of anxiety finding it’s home in your stomach rising up that you launched next to Ginger’s side reaching for the trash can to puke once more, she quickly helped pulling back your hair calling for a nurse to come in.
Helping you up to sit on the chair Ginger placed a hand on your forehead, “You’re really warm, how have you felt lately?”
The nurse quickly poured some water for you to drink along with a damp towel for your neck allowing you a moment to think back. It’s all been normal until a couple of weeks ago, you could say it’s right up to the point when you started to get a bad unnerving feeling that something was wrong or going to be. You couldn’t quite place your finger on it, but it was out of normal for your body to react like this.
“I have been tired and nauseous these past few days, but I think it’s from working under the sun since he’s been away. And now this just…”
Your eyes lingered to your right to his body sleeping, setting aside the circumstance, watching him sleep radiated peace in you. Ginger inquired again searching for something in your expression, “Do you mind if we get some blood samples?”
“Ging, please. I’m fine. I’m tired is all,” you sighed waving her off getting up to stand and setting aside the water.
“It doesn’t hurt to be sure and you are at our lab already you know…”
Fiddling with Jack’s jacket, you frowned feeling sickly. It was hard to deny that you weren’t feeling great. She’s annoyingly good at noticing things from you.
“Fine. You know you can be very persuasive.”
Ginger smiled softly watching you step closer to Jack’s bed with your fingers itching to touch him again. Taking this as her cue she called the nurse to quickly gather a sample from you, before leaving again to give you both privacy, “Let me know if you need anything and please rest.”
You nodded biting the skin of your lips looking to his right side, he looks calm and content—almost. His snore was soft, wasn’t too loud, which made you smile remembering how his sudden attack of snoring would randomly wake you and him at night.
Your hand hovered over his arm feeling the faint touch of his arm hairs, but with gentleness not to suddenly wake him. Your eyes continued to trail his arm down to his hands, the thickness of fingers that had red blotches on the prominent bones of his knuckles which had to be from punching. There was always some kind of bruising on him. His hand was curled in a soft fist that had to be spread wide open or else he’d wake up with cramped joints. Just like you did every night he came home or felt his hands curl on your abdomen in bed, you grasped his hand smoothing out each of his fingers on your palm.
The warmth and weight of his hand was heaven.
He was perfect in your eyes, yet you weren’t ready to see his left side where the bullet had struck him. Instead you focused right now on flattening his hand on your palm remembering those small moments he needed to stretch his hands or pout for a massage. Sometimes he’d be working too hard that you’d catch him doing it on his own. However, he praised it never compared to the sweet pressure of your fingers massaging his tensed muscle, giving each section of his hand all your attention and love.
In the end these would be the same fingers that would work wonders to show you how much he loved you, sending shockwaves through each muscle in your body the best way he knew how.
Jack never let you once forget just how much he loved to hold you, the same way you’re doing right now. Your thumbs moved in a circular motion holding his hand in yours as you desperately tried to let him know that you’re here, to please wake up.
But he remained the same, still sleeping.
Setting his hand back down, you wiped the tears pooling in the corners of your eyes walking to the other side of his bed to the same to his left hand.
Your heart pounded coming to terms that you were about to see the bruises and swelling on his bandaged temple.
His once olive colored skin was now a threatening image of all your what if’s. All rushing back to you, reminding you that he could’ve died in seconds. Your hands shook hesitating with shock cursing through your veins. Your knees shook as you settled with bringing Jack’s right hand up to your lips to kiss each his knuckles. Your quiet sobs were in full effect blurring everything in your view creating multiple bubbles of colors. The mass blotched sight was deep reds and purples that pooled under his skin—swelling and ultimately shattering your heart.
Any closer to the left, the bullet could’ve snatched him away from you.
Your legs finally gave out sitting on the edge of his bed pressing the top of his fingers to your lips. Each tear drop that ran down your cheeks down to the curves of your lips reached his knuckles. You couldn’t find the push needed to touch his face, you feared it’d just cause more unnecessary pain. No matter how much you needed to touch every part of his body your body was not going to cooperate.
You struggled to breathe intertwining your fingers with his hand placing it on your chest. Looking up at the ceiling you sniffled all you could, that was pointless feeling your nose completely stuffed. Slowly placing his hand flat on your thigh you pulled on the ends of his jackets sleeves. Wiping your tears with leather wasn’t the best idea, but you didn’t care. Patting your face you scooted closer placing a hand flat beside his head.
With your other hand hovering over his face, it felt like his presence was begging you to touch him pulling you like a magnet. Pressing your lips together you squeezed your eyes once more sending down the final waves of tears and settled with brushing his messy curled hair away from his forehead.
Once more you tried to speak swallowing thickly, “Jack baby. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Okay? I’m right here.”
His arm on your thigh still made no movement and neither did his left hand.
All you could do was wait for him, just as you waited for his love, you’d wait for him to wake up. With one final soothing caress of his arm you cleared your throat and carefully got off the bed while lifting his arm to place it to his side again.
You pulled the chair next to you closer to his side instead of the cot, the mere thought of laying down on your back made you unbearably nauseous.
Taking off the jacket to use as a blanket shielded by his cologne, you leaned your head back on the chair extending your arm out to hold his hand.
The woodsy leather smell of his jacket with the warmth of his hand in yours, and the steady beeping of the machines placed you into a deep sleep.
The position you were in wasn’t the most comfortable, but you couldn’t move away from his side in case he moved in any way. The light from outside through the blinds of the windows was still dark so you’re not sure how long you napped for. What’s another sleepless night to you? Nothing.
Not when you don’t have your one true riding partner by your side, awake and safe. You yawned stretching your neck’s stiff muscles checking up at the machines above him still beeping steady.
With his hand still in your hand you shrugged off his jacket to sit on the edge of his bed again. This time you turned over his palm, tracing each of the fine lines, the small scars, and those blasted lasso burns. You roll your eyes thinking of his weapon of choice, a fucking electric lasso.
Although he’s an expert, Jack had his slip ups where he’d burn himself sometimes. He was human after all. And at every slip up you were there. Ready to patch him up whenever he needed it and he needed it most of the time.
During those times, Jack ignored coming to the medical clinic if it was something as “silly” as he would say such as cuts, bruises, and burns because he knew you’d be there to ice his skin, sew his wounds back together, and rub cream on his burns.
Again, nothing compared to the feel of your hands on his body. This was a bond stronger than anything you’ve ever experienced and he knew it too. He had to, just like he had to remember you. You’ve both known each other for more than decade now, the mind can’t just forget all those years spent together filled with love and happiness.
You bring his hand to your cheek feeling a wave of grief take over by the painful thought of being forgotten by the person you’ve given you’re all to is too much to hold in. You know what it’s like to be forgotten, your mother’s memories over the end of her years had slowly started to fade leaving you behind. You were use to the loneliness of it. Yet, you weren’t ready to feel that again and by the love of your life. It wasn’t fair.
As if you didn’t cry enough earlier, those tears found their way trickling down your cheeks, but this time it was a silent cry.
No sobs were made or sniffles, you closed your eyes loving the skin of his palm cupping your cheek whispering, “Please remember me Jack.”
Your cries were silent, yet strong enough to block everything around you that all you felt were two strong swipes on your cheek brushing away your tears.
Two strong swipes that started to move to your chin lifting it up, “How could I forget my girl?”
Your reddened eyes snapped open to see the most beautiful equally red glistening set of chocolate brown eyes. Your heart lifted along with all the tension in your shoulders finally giving out vocalized sobs.
“No sweets, my darling please don’t cry now…” Jack spoke as he continued to wipe away each new stream staining your cheeks. He sat up this time joking, “These tears are reserved for laughing and when you scream my name.”
All you could manage for him was a blissful smile of happiness hearing his voice and how he still, under the circumstances, managed to make a dirty joke. Jack pulled you onto his chest kissing the top of your head while rubbing your back reminding you that he’s okay and to breathe as you tightly clutched his shoulders.
He soothed the back of your spine mumbling words that rhymed with bus and a man’s name, but you couldn’t make it out all you heard was your voice crying.
In a muffled attempt to speak you looked up at his eyes, “No more combat missions, please. I can’t bear to lose you.”
“I promise you’ll never have to go through that. Come here.”
You sniffled brushing away your hair letting his hand, this time, cup your cheek as you rested against his palm basking in the warmth and softness of his touch. His thumbs finished cleaning and replacing your stained cheeks with his love.
Jack spoke firmly locking eyes with you, “I’m never leaving you. If you want, I’ll let you go first before me.”
You rolled your eyes barely hitting his bicep, “That’s not funny!”
Jack grins seeing the light in your eyes shine again with happiness, he urges you closer to kiss your forehead mumbling into your skin, “I love you. We’re goin’ to build a family, babe. I’ve got big plans with you.”
Any signs of worry you’ve had today and these past weeks seemingly vanished in an instant hearing his charming voice again.
“I love you too. And what “big” plans did you have in mind?”
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” he says proudly as his hand finds its way from your back down to your ass grabbing a hold of the weight giving you an idea of what he meant.
“Come here,” he says deeply to kiss you, but you resisted pulling back. During that sleep his skin had rapidly healed from the technology of the bandage that you didn’t notice at first, but you were still terrified to cause any more pain to the bruising still left over.
You frowned seeing the hurt in his eyes, so you leaned in closer to kiss the tip of his nose to reassure Jack that you did want to touch him, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
The corner of his mustache curled and shook his head, “You could never cause me any hurt, now come on. Lay down and sleep, you look like shit.”
You bursted out laughing adjusting your position kicking off your shoes to lay down next to him under the blankets, “You’re one to talk.”
“I think I look mighty intimidating, if you ask me. Scars and all y’know,” he joked pressing his cheek to the top of your head. “Scars are sexy. All of your scars are.”
You reassured looking up from his shoulder placing a hand on his cheek, he closed his eyes for a minute thanking whoever placed this beauty in his life because he was the luckiest son of a bitch to ever walk this green earth. He turned slightly to kiss the palm of your hand giving you a full view of the bruised part of his skin. Your eyes searched in the scattered assortment of colors to see in fact, he was healing. It wasn’t a mass anymore, it was diminishing it’s size.
Reaching up you lightly pressed a feathered kiss near his bandaged temple, feeling his arms tighten around your waist.
“See? You could never hurt me, I already feel better. Now sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“You better Jack Daniels,” you threatened draping your arm around his stomach holding him close finally dozing off and no longer relying on objects to remind of him.
He was back in your arms, safe and sound.
A few hours later there was a knock on the door, it was Ginger announcing herself to check on Jack accompanied by Champ, who greeted you with the biggest bear hug. The man was tall in his late 60’s with a head full of grey hairs, and stern as hell—not much could make him smile except for you. And maybe Jack sometimes when he didn’t get on his nerves.
Champ let you go displaying the goofiest grin on his face, “Precious girl.”
You smiled up at him when he tipped your chin up heading to greet Jack as he finished eating his food. Spotting Ginger you stepped beside her and she turned her head slightly over her shoulder whispering that she needed to talk to you, it was urgent. You nodded worried about to step out the door and let Jack catch up with Champ, but he kept a watchful eye at you both.
“Hold on now. Uh-sorry Champ, whats going on with you two?”
Jack directs accusingly towards you both with the spiked end of his fork. You both turned smiling letting go of your hold to Ginger’s hand trying to contain your excitement. The news would explain the random uneasy feeling you’ve had for weeks now.
Your heart hammered stepping by his side not sure how to break the news to him. As if Jack could tell you didn’t know how to bring it up whatever you needed to, he grasped your hand reassuringly giving you enough confidence.
“You know how you said, you had plans for us?”
Jack nodded bewildered and raising his brows waiting for you to continue.
“Well…” You pointed to your stomach holding in your excitement waiting to see what his would be like and it didn’t disappoint. The same goofy grin Champ had when he walked in couldn’t match Jack’s, his was double that. The deep dimple on his cheek made its presence known followed by a glimmering shimmer of happiness in his eyes.
He squeezed your hand smiling from ear to ear like a complete fool, “We’re parents?”
You matched his energy and expression returning the squeeze confirming, “We’re parents.”