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“And… here they are!” Lisa pulled the cookie sheet out of the oven. “Wow. I can’t say for sure until I taste them, but I think these are our best batch yet!”
Sayo smiled weakly. Lisa tried not to let her own smile slip. It had been like this all afternoon. It wasn’t that Sayo was quiet, exactly. Lisa was more than familiar with the way Sayo got when she wanted to master something, gaze intense and lip chewed and mind far too preoccupied to bother with something as frivolous as conversation.
Lisa didn’t mind. It was nice to tell her stories to someone who hadn’t been there for most of them, and Sayo was very expressive when she wasn’t trying so hard to be stern. The lack of response just meant she had to try twice as hard to get a reaction from her.
It was less fun when Sayo was holding herself in the same stiff way she had at their earliest rehearsals. Today, when Lisa turned up her enthusiasm, Sayo almost seemed sad. That made Lisa want to cheer her up even more, so she couldn’t help acting even bubblier than normal, which of course made Sayo more distant. It was an awful vicious cycle, made all the worse by the fact that Lisa had no idea what had caused it. Had she done something wrong? And if she had, why had Sayo come over like everything was normal?
She realized she’d been staring into space long enough for it to be awkward. Not that Sayo seemed to care, but still, she was being a terrible host.
She wracked her brain for something light-hearted and neutral to talk about, but just as she was opening her mouth, Sayo emerged from her reverie. “Imai-san,” she said.
“That’s me!” Lisa said brightly, hoping this was a sign Sayo was getting past her strange melancholy.
Sayo laughed softly. “Yes, it is. Now, I want you to understand that I don’t expect anything of you, but you deserve to know the truth. What you do after that is up to you.”
“Is everything okay?”
Sayo ignored her. “I like you, Imai-san.”
Lisa’s jaw dropped. Did she really mean—? True, she was bright red, but Sayo blushed if you commented on her enjoyment of french fries. Maybe Lisa was on the same level as french fries.
....It didn’t sound convincing to her, either. She wanted to say something thoughtful, to let Sayo know she was important to her even if it wasn’t in the same way, but the only word she could find was Sayo’s name.
Sayo hugged herself. “It’s okay. I know you don’t feel the same way, and I won’t mention it again. I just thought you should know.”
“You—I’m glad you told me,” Lisa managed. “And. Um. Thank you? That’s really nice of you. We don’t have to change anything, either. Unless you want to, I guess, but you’re a really important friend to me and I don’t want to lose you.”
Sayo shook her head, the sad smile back on her lips. “You really are kind, Imai-san. I hope you enjoy the cookies.”
“What? Wait!” Lisa reached out to Sayo, but she didn’t slow her pace. Lisa was left standing alone in her own kitchen, a room that had never seemed this cavernous before.
She turned to the dirty dishes and began cleaning up mechanically. If she went through the same steps as always, maybe she could rewrite this into another ordinary afternoon.
Lisa made it through dinner not thinking about it, mostly by not thinking at all. Her silence clearly worried her parents, but trying to perk herself up for them only reminded her of trying to cheer up Sayo, which reminded her of why Sayo had been acting weird, which sent her spiraling back into her own thoughts.
It was a relief when the meal was over and she could escape into her own room for at least as long as it took her parents to finish their baths. She collapsed into her desk chair with a sigh.
Out of habit, she reached for a cookie, only to freeze with her hand halfway to the bag. Sayo’s cookies were special because of the care for Roselia that she put into them, but. She’d been thinking about Lisa today. And they really had looked particularly good, that hadn’t just been trying to cheer Sayo up.
Lisa covered her face with her hands. Sayo was so sweet, and Lisa was only going to hurt her, no matter how little either of them wanted it.
It wasn’t Lisa’s fault that she was in love with Yukina. Calling it anyone’s fault was ridiculous. It was just one of those facts of life, something she’d known for as long as she could remember. The sky was blue, and cats were cute, and Minato Yukina was the most important person in Imai Lisa’s life.
And even so, there was a part of her that wanted to try things with Sayo. She’d accepted years ago that Yukina was never going to see Lisa the way that Lisa saw her. It was okay. She knew that Yukina loved her, differently but just as much, and she’d made herself be okay with that.
She had to move on eventually, and this seemed like a golden opportunity. She already liked and trusted Sayo. It was easy to picture them going for crepes together, Lisa pulling Sayo by the hand, laughing, not caring about anything but the moment…
But this wasn’t about how Lisa felt. What was important was Sayo, and whether Lisa would only be hurting her more by raising her hopes. She didn’t know if she’d be able to break the habit of loving Yukina so easily. Even if she did, she’d still be her closest friend. Lisa hated the idea that Sayo might feel like the lesser option.
But wasn’t that kind of what she’d be? If the idea of doing something could make Sayo miserable, that seemed like a pretty good argument against actually doing it.
Argh, Lisa didn’t know! Quietly pining for someone seemed tragic and romantic and all, but it didn’t give her any experience with actual dating. She could keep going in circles forever if she let herself get caught up in her own head. What she needed was a second opinion.
That raised its own exciting issues, of course. Normally, when Lisa’s thoughts refused to settle down, she’d go to Yukina. Yukina’s straightforward nature had a way of cutting to the heart of a dilemma, and years of acting as Lisa’s sounding board meant she knew Lisa’s feelings as well as Lisa herself did. Most of those feelings, anyway. There was a chance she’d noticed Lisa’s major crush on her, though Lisa liked to think she’d done a better job of hiding it than that. But even if she did know, Lisa wasn’t going to shove it in her face and then demand her help. That would be so many levels of rude.
So what were her options? She could give up on the whole thing and just reject Sayo. She’d hate to crush her like that, and she’d miss her easy friendship, but it was an option.
She could try talking it through with someone else. There was no guarantee it would work as well, and she’d have to admit her feelings for Yukina to someone else, which would be all kinds of embarrassing. It was probably the best way to avoid hurting anyone, though.
Or, she supposed, she could try to talk it through with Yukina without giving any of the specifics. Just assume that her oldest friend would hear that Lisa liked someone and not ask who it was, then count on her to have useful advice despite not knowing the specifics of the situation. There was nothing about that one that was a good idea. She was only including it to be thorough.
Okay. She could do this. She was Imai Lisa, bassist for Roselia and generally a pretty cool person. She could find a way to get through this without hurting anyone. It would come to her any second now.
Lisa slid a shirt down the rack without really seeing it. Yukina was turned away, looking at a display of accessories, and Lisa figured this was the best chance she was going to get. “Hey,” she said, trying to sound light and airy and not like she’d been worrying about this all day. “Have you ever been in love?”
There was a clatter as Yukina dropped the bracelet she’d been looking at. Lisa winced. So much for not making this a big deal.
She risked glancing at Yukina’s face. It almost looked like her eyes were… sparkling? Lisa would swear she was excited about something.
Her confusion cost her the chance to downplay the question. Yukina gave a small but genuine smile. “Oh, good. Are you thinking of confessing to Sayo? Personally, I think it’s about time.”
Lisa gaped at her. “What? Why would I—what are you talking about?”
Yukina blinked. “Did I read the situation incorrectly? I’m sorry. I’ve just seen the way you gravitate to her after a show. You look happy.”
“Of course you’re thinking about the band.” Lisa laughed a little helplessly. She hadn’t thought she was treating Sayo differently than anyone else, but with the way Sayo was prone to retreating from conversations, she might have been reaching out to her without noticing.
...If so, that made it even more important that Lisa figure out what to do here. She’d hate to think she’d accidentally given Sayo false hope.
Yukina was still staring at her, though, and right, they were in the middle of a conversation, and a deeply weird one at that. “Um. It’s kind of the opposite? She confessed to me, actually.”
“Hm.” Yukina thought for a moment. “That should make things simple, then.”
“Huh? How is that simple?”
“You don’t have to worry about being rejected.” Yukina crossed her arms. “Honestly, I’m not sure why you’re even asking me about this.”
“Because you’re my best friend and I don’t know what to do!” Lisa hoped she wasn’t pouting. She was probably pouting. This was a stupid thing to be worried about right now. Focus on your other crisis.
She took a deep breath. “The thing is that I don’t like her back, and I don’t want to get her hopes up over nothing. Sayo deserves better than a maybe.”
Yukina’s brow furrowed. “I… you know I don’t have any experience with this kind of thing. I can’t tell you what will happen next. But I do know you, and I know the way you smile at her is different from how you smile at anyone else. As far as I can tell, that’s a good place to start.”
...There was something bittersweet in hearing that Yukina had paid that much attention to her only to come to the conclusion that she should date someone else. She’d known it was a lost cause, but even then it stung to hear it confirmed.
Even so, it was a different sort of pain than she would have expected. The inevitable end of a chapter of her life, but not the crushing loss of a dreamt-of future. Maybe Yukina had a point.
“Thanks,” Lisa said. “You’re right. There’s no way to know until we try, right?”
“Exactly.” Yukina looked like she was struggling with something, only to visibly steel herself. “And… you know you’re both important to me. Not just as members of the band, but as my friends. I wouldn’t say this if I thought either of you would get hurt.”
Yukina looked so earnest even as her face turned red that Lisa couldn’t help but laugh. She put up a hand before Yukina could say anything else. “I know, I’m sorry. That was really sweet of you.” Her smile softened into something more nostalgic. “I’m so glad you’re able to say that sort of thing now.”
“I wasn’t that bad,” Yukina muttered, but the smile she gave Lisa in return was unmistakably real.
Sayo had been skeptical when Lisa invited her to a cafe after practice, but Lisa pointed out that they were going to end up the first two people there at some point or another, and anyway she didn’t want to miss out on her friendship entirely over something this small.
She kept up a breezy conversation for the entire walk. It was easier than she’d feared, honestly, nothing like the awkward chatter of right before Sayo confessed. They fell back into the rhythm of conversation like they’d rehearsed that too.
It wasn’t until they’d sat down and placed their orders that Lisa froze. Sayo was looking at her, concerned, and all she had to do was tell her what she’d been thinking—
“I’ve been in love with Yukina for years,” she blurted. “At least since middle school.”
Sayo nodded. “I understand.”
Lisa had been gearing up for a longer explanation, but Sayo’s calm acceptance knocked the wind out of her sails. “You don’t sound surprised.”
“You joined a band for her after not touching an instrument for years,” Sayo said. “You weren’t exactly being subtle about it.”
“Hey!” Lisa puffed out her cheeks in mock annoyance. “I felt the way our music came together too, you know. I didn’t just follow Yukina.”
“Of course,” Sayo said. “You’re just as important to Roselia’s sound as she is, now, and I know how hard you’ve worked to achieve that. It’s one of the things that… that I admire about you.”
“Oh. Thank you.” Okay, Lisa had this. She just had to pull the conversation back around to herself. “And, you know, it’s not like you’re wrong. I did try out in the first place because I wanted to see her smile, really smile, the way she used to.”
Sayo didn’t meet Lisa’s eyes. “She’s very lucky to have you.”
Without thinking, Lisa put a hand on Sayo’s. Sayo stiffened but didn’t pull away. Emboldened, Lisa said, “I don’t know if she wants to, though. I mean, if she hasn’t said anything in all this time, she’s probably not interested, right?”
“Maybe,” Sayo said. “Though she may simply never have thought of it. As much as I respect Minato-san, she does have certain blind spots with regards to her own emotions.”
“Trust me, I know.” Lisa shook her head. “And maybe I was kind of counting on it? Subconsciously, I mean.” She bit her lip. “Like, as long as Yukina didn’t think about it, nothing was going to change, which meant I didn’t have to think about it either. So it was easy to keep telling myself that I was in love with her without making sure that was still true.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” Sayo said. “Are you in love with her, or not?”
Lisa shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know. And I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I didn’t want to lead you on.”
“I think I’m supposed to expect something from you for you to be leading me on,” Sayo said, her voice strained.
“Well. About that.” Lisa took a deep breath. “It’s not just Yukina, though? She had to be the one to point it out to me, which is kind of embarrassing.” She scratched her cheek. “But one of the things I wasn’t thinking about while I was taking everything for granted was how much happier I am when you’re around. My day is so much brighter when I can make you laugh, and I love to hear what you have to say, and that’s not even counting the fact that you’re basically the whole reason I didn’t burn myself out before admitting that I can’t hold Roselia together on my own.”
Sayo’s lips parted, but she didn’t say anything. She looked fragile in a way Lisa had never seen her. Lisa was struck by the sudden thought that she would give her the night sky if it would keep her looking at Lisa like that, awed and hopeful and overwhelmingly warm.
But that was exactly why she had to keep talking, had to make sure Sayo understood that she didn’t deserve that look. “I don’t know if that means I love you, either. It might not be enough. I just… thought you deserved to know.” She pasted on a smile, hoping it would cut through the too-heavy atmosphere. “I mean, you were brave enough to tell me about your feelings, right? I owe you at least that much!”
Lisa found her gaze had strayed to the window somewhere in the rush of words. She dragged it back to Sayo’s face before she could freak herself out further.
Sayo didn’t look angry, at least. Lisa felt a little silly for being relieved about that; she knew Sayo too well to believe she wouldn’t offer her any understanding. Still, if this mess proved anything, it was that Lisa’s feelings weren’t the height of rationality to begin with. She could handle something this minor.
The way Sayo’s eyebrows twitched, on the other hand? That was generally a sign that she was trying not to admit to some emotion she didn’t think she should be having. Lisa tried to think of ways to be reassuring that didn’t kind of sound like she was pushing Sayo away. She was allowed to need space, obviously, but that didn’t mean Lisa liked the idea of even more of this enforced distance between them.
And then a tiny sound escaped Sayo’s mouth, and Lisa realized she was laughing. Whatever face Lisa made at this epiphany had Sayo bringing her hand to her face just too slowly to hide her smile. Lisa couldn’t even pretend to take offense.
“I’m sorry,” Sayo said anyway, as if Lisa could ever hold her joy against her. “It’s just... our roles seem to be reversed. For once, I’m the one telling you not to take things so seriously.”
“Huh?”
“...I’ve never been in a relationship,” Sayo admitted, her cheeks pink. “But even I know there are steps between a confession and a lifetime commitment. I’m not asking you to agree to stay by my side for decades.”
“I mean, I was going to do that anyway,” Lisa pointed out. “There’s no way I’m letting Roselia come to an end that quickly.”
“Neither am I,” Sayo agreed. “But if anything, that’s another reason we don’t have to rush. We’ll still see each other at rehearsals and make cookies for the others and eat at that terrible family restaurant. It’s just that, if you’re okay with it, maybe we’ll also be dating.”
“Oh.” Lisa knew that nodding wasn’t the correct response to that sort of statement, but it was too late, she was doing it. “Wow. That’s—that sounds amazing!”
“Good,” Sayo said, fully red by now.
If a silence could have a flavor, this one was pure sugar, all sweetness and potential for even greater rewards to come. Then, because Lisa couldn’t stop pushing her luck, she grinned at Sayo. “Hey. We’re dating, right?”
“I hope so,” Sayo agreed.
“Then would it be alright if I held your hand?”
Lisa held her hand out by the table, and after a moment, Sayo took it. There was no triumphant fanfare, no overwhelming rush of elation. It was just… nice.
Lisa thought nice was more than enough for her.