Chapter Text
"Jaeger Pilot Duo Lee Hyunjae and Kim Younghoon successfully takes down Kaiju in the north—"
Juyeon takes one look at the headline of last month's newspapers — and immediately tosses them into the trash can.
Rainy days made him feel sick, the whole mood turning into some somber gray breeze that made him drowsy and nauseous. Not to mention, there were no good memories accompanying the weather at all. He would rather hide and forget his duties, run away into a dark crevice in his room.
But Juyeon believes in the responsibility of doing the bare minimum as a Jaeger Pilot, a famous one if he might add, as he tips the pen fiddling in his fingers, feet resting on his mahogany desk.
"That was the latest issue!"Chanhee complained, snatching the unusually fresh paper out, straightening it back up."Ungrateful bastard."
News usually arrived late to their base, especially written works. Jeju was secluded after all, closed off to the shores of any stray fishermen boats; Juyeon remembers when he was six when he saw on a printed magazine, the white sands of Jeju were still tourist spots in their prime.
Now, they were nothing but barren lands and jagged rocks, moss overgrown and craters in the earth.
Juyeon boredly swivels his chair, turning to look out the window instead. A new container of Kaiju samples transported under turbulent rain."I don't want to read."
"Just say you're illiterate and go."
"Huh."Juyeon pressed his hands against the glass. The view was quite high from his office; scratch that , immeasurably high, it made the army issued jeeps entering the base look like toy cars."Not really in the mood to entertain your argument."
"I don't even have to be in a mood to find you infuriating."
"You can go now, Chanhee."
" Commander Choi, you disrespectful runt." Chanhee did hold himself with high regard after all, despite them being in the same graduating class. Which was funny, because Juyeon always thought Chanhee was weak-willed for such a position."I'll excuse myself then."
The click of the knob, the hiss of the air tight door and it shutting, before Juyeon lets out a sigh, swivelling his office chair right back to face his table.
There's a photo frame on his desk facing downwards, alongside scattered files and a pen holder. Instead of fixing his mess, he ignores it. He'd like to think he deserved some form of leeway.
Lee Juyeon, 26. It's been ten years since he became a cadet. Ten years too long in service for the Korean Government, but it felt as if it was yesterday, he stepped into the shatterdome with bright eyes and a promising future.
Now, Juyeon's life consisted of a crafted routine, not honed down to the details;
- He would wake up at 4 in the morning sharp, a time where the sun hasn't risen yet and the base would be teeth shattering cold to the bones.
- Breakfast is served at 5:20 am, after a freezing shower. On Tuesdays, the menu would switch up to Juyeon's favorite, the cabbage fritters and fried tuna.
- Even as a well experienced and decorated pilot, Juyeon has training in the kwoon room, then to the fifth floor for neural handshakes with people he's trained with (or whatever was left of them), people he's never trained with, and people he's never met.
- By 4 pm in the afternoon, he returns to his office, reading through the interviews he's approved in the meantime, waiting for dinner.
"Aren't you sick of it?" Mechanical Engineer Eric has always been a chatterbox; always succeeding in annoying the higher ups with his faux blunt way of speaking. Yet Juyeon finds himself coming back for conversations in between his breaks.
"Sick of what?" Juyeon sipped onto the cafeteria- served coffee; in a paper cup and sour in his throat.
The echoing of metal and Eric grunting somewhere high in the Jaeger's core, fixing back pieces onto the newest testing robot.
Juyeon's heard of Chanhee requesting a sparring bot from China, hence this new piece of metal ending up here.
"You know,"Eric's head pops out into Juyeon's view."The whole fact that the higher ups are attempting to match you with another pilot. They've been looking under every rock."
"not really." he is. "I don't mind. Let the higher ups do what they want."
He is sick of it.
Sick of waking up in a cold sweat and tears streaming down his eyes, burning him alive every night. Sick of forcing down his painful memories that resurface at every corner of this Shatterdome like a wound reopening.
It bleeds — bleeds to remember, and it still bleeds to forget.
Eric stated."Well if ya asked me, you would definitely be a match for that spare pilot in China! Blondie with nice eyebrows. Haknyeon, right?"
Juyeon only hummed."Maybe."
"Or how about Yongbok from Australia? Fresh outta cadet program, they say!"
"Really."
"Some interns from LOCCENT placed their bets on the Canadian pilot to end up being your partner though."
"Eric,"Juyeon started.
"But come on, hyung!"Eric whined, totally caught up twisting his wrench onto a few loose bolts."It's either Haknyeon or the Kim dude from the Russian Base, I'm telling ya."
"Eric,"Juyeon exhaled.
"Yes hyung?"
"I think I'm going to retire."
"For the night?"Eric hummed, not minding."Sure, go ahead hyung. It's getting late."
"No, I mean," the pilot sighed, before repeating again."I think I'm going to retire ."
The wrench in Eric's hand loosens from his grip, taking a couple of seconds from the height before it clatters onto the floors below, clanking audibly in the developed silence.
"Hyung,"Eric paled, hands shaking."You don't mean that, right?"
And Juyeon wished he was joking, he could pull up a peace sign and brush it off as a prank. But deep inside, a part of him knows he's been wanting to do this for a long time, for quite such a time.
He shook his head slowly, Eric's expression growing even more panicked, grim of some sort. Sometimes Juyeon would want to take back his decision, but there was really no going back now.
"Hyung, you're Lee Juyeon!" Eric tried reasoning out."If you retire, who's going to save us when Korea's in danger again?!"
" Chanhee , I don't know. He'll figure something out when the cadets graduate—"
Eric cut off."—But hyung, you've got a lot of chances! You're still young, you're bound to meet another compatible pilot someday—"
"Changmin was young too."
That was enough to shut Eric up, and enough for Juyeon to feel the pain echoing back in his chest. It was enough for the atmosphere to become silent once more.
"...Hyung, I know it still hurts."And Eric wears this crestfallen, unsure look on how to venture on into this topic."It's been four years."
Four years felt like eternity to Juyeon, since Ji Changmin left.
Eric is blunt."And, you're a pilot. A hero. We can't mourn when the war's not over. We don't have time to be weak."
Juyeon laughs bitterly at that one.
The truth is, Juyeon was always weak. And after years of building up his walls, pretending to be the shining beam of hope for his own country, behind his Jaeger like an armor. His, and what used to be Changmin's Jaeger.
"Have you decided on a name?" Juyeon shoves his hands into his pocket. The doors have yet to open, the two of them both standing on the sideway guidelines of the entrance.
"For the Jaeger?"Changmin tilted his head, a grin on his lips."Been thinking about it all night. Might as well have something cool if we're gonna make the headlines, Juyo."
"If you suggest Sugar Bunny Sprinkle Rush one more time, I will personally kick you off the Jaeger."
"Aw come on!" Changmin whined, stomping his foot in protest."It's catchy!"
Juyeon shoots him an unimpressed look."It won't look good in the newspapers."
The large entrance doors interrupt their conversation, metal clanking and the hissing, revealing the very thing they've been waiting for. Juyeon's heartbeat is louder in his ears, the blood in his veins running at the thought of it finally being here.
It's large, not larger than veteran Jaegers, reasonably new and in the shade of green and black, less bulk and built to be more agile. She shines under the Shatterdome lights, the light gleaming on it's exterior. It's Juyeon's.
"She's beautiful," The breath in Juyeon's lungs had been knocked off at the sight, emotion rushing over."She's ours, all ours, Changmin."
And the warmth Juyeon felt in his chest spread to his hand, as Changmin pulled out his arm out of his pocket and interlocks their fingers together, weaving like a familiar thread once more.
Changmin smiles so fondly, it sears deep into Juyeon's mind, it burns and leaves a mark.
"We're gonna be heroes, Juyo."
In Juyeon's dreams, Changmin is alive. He's outside Juyeon's door at 4 am in the morning, and in another dream he was in Juyeon's arms, warmly and comfortably snuggled in before the Kaiju Alert Siren rings, snapping them back into the reality they live in.
The reality of a Jaeger Pilot; you always lose a loved one.
"Juyeon," Younghoon shakes his hand politely in the hallway of Jeju's shatterdome."Long time no see."
He returned it, eyes flickering to the other figure seated on one of the work benches."Likewise."
"Chanhee called, and we're being relocated for the time being here,"Younghoon explained, and it's a measly attempt at a conversation. Still, Juyeon knows how to reciprocate. He's not rude.
"Yeah, Jeju's understaffed at the moment."
"But hey, uhm…"Younghoon awkwardly looks away, shooting a look at the scowling figure on the workbench before turning back."I heard you were going to retire officially… Is that true?"
Oh boy. "Yeah, I am."
"Good for you, Lee."Hyunjae, seated on the workbench, slowly claps, his tone is condescending and poisonous."You get to live a normal life."
"Hyunjae,"Younghoon hissed at his partner.
Juyeon chose to ignore the remark. "Yeah, figured my body can't keep up with drifting anymore."
"You figured that out just now?" Hyunjae scoffed."Long overdue, Lee."
It's no secret to Juyeon; Lee Hyunjae, a superstar pilot from Japan, 27, hated his guts deep down. And if anyone asked why, the reason was simple enough.
Because Ji Changmin was Lee Hyunjae's loved one too.
And Juyeon has always known that for a fact, Hyunjae loved Changmin for the longest time. In fact, everyone thought they'd end up being drift partners due to their long past.
But he believed Hyunjae's deep rooted hatred stemmed from the beginning; where Juyeon stole Changmin away from him. Where Juyeon was Changmin's, and Changmin's was Juyeon's.
He could remember as bright as day, that afternoon in the hospital wing. Wrapped in bandages and a vision hazy, but the memory of Hyunjae throwing a fist into his jaw with no mercy, angry and screaming. Yelling and crying, Juyeon could feel his pain that he forgot his own.
"IT'S YOUR FUCKING FAULT!" Hyunjae seethed, struggling as Sangyeon hyung held him back with all his might."YOU COULD'VE DONE SOMETHING!"
"STOP IT!" Chanhee screamed, blocking Juyeon's view as he shielded him away. He felt vulnerable, tired. Blank."THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE DONE, HYUNJAE!"
And the rest was history.
So Juyeon's life in these four years without Changmin consisted of:
- Waking up to an alarm instead of obnoxious knocking or a warm presence pressed against his chest. Just an alarm, every 4 am.
- The constant call for self hatred, for doubt. What could he have done more? What could he have changed in the past? Why is everything his fault? Everything is Juyeon's fault. His actions, his mistakes, his deeds. He should've done more. What exactly was more?
- In every corridor, in every room, there is a memory of Changmin. In those memories, Changmin was happy, and he was sad too. But nevertheless, he was there. That was all that mattered. He was supposed to be there.
- And at night, Juyeon glances at the ceiling, nothing. He imagines, no, recalls of holding Changmin in his arms, and they slowly danced in the dark, forgetting the world existed again.
"You're late."
Ji Changmin stuck his tongue out teasingly."and I don't give a shit."
Juyeon doesn't know how he agreed to doing this, but it all happened so fast; Changmin storming into his room, ordering them both to hike up Hallasan Mountain (or whatever seemed to be left of it), and him ending up giving a dumb nod because Changmin had a smile brighter than expected on.
It's in the mid november, snow falling down at such a slow pace. Sounds of winter boots crushing the ice beneath, two figures climbing up a white frosty hill. The wind barely howled, as he felt some sort of nostalgia in such a barren place.
He was instantly reminded of their earlier days; and although he spent most of his life inside, he could still remember trekking down deep into the forest, slow hushed whispers shared between cadets as they tried not to get caught by patrol. Lee Juyeon shook his head, the thoughts falling off in the process as he turned to watch the boy in front of him, struggling to get through a clearing of dead trees.
Maybe because Juyeon noticed the boy's fingers trembling as they clutched onto the bark, or Changmin's lips losing a bit of the color of the lip balm, which is quite a shame because Juyeon liked that shade of lip — no he doesn't.
"You're shivering," Juyeon pointed out. Both of them are standing in the middle of a clearing, stopping for a minute to catch their breaths. He wasn't worried about anything, but he did care for the wellbeing of his copilot ; he wanted them to at least perform properly at the drift test next week.``Let's go back. We're done here."
"We haven't reached Hallasan yet!" Changmin scowled, headstrong and firm."It's not that far off. Maybe about…"
Changmin pondered off, looking at the distance with his eyebrows arched into a v shape on his forehead."Two kilometers?"
"Five... actually."
There was a shared silence, not one awkward like the ones when they started off; neither the comforting type that both Choi Chanhee and Kim Sunwoo had. It was just… words that didn't need to be exchanged for a quick second. Thoughts that were chosen carefully before replying.
It's the ghost drift, Juyeon thought. He felt Changmin's deflated happiness, the boy feeling down after realizing it was impossible to reach Mt. Hallasan under such conditions.
"... Fine."
Of course, the disappointment was evident in the latter's tone. It was impossible to hide for Changmin, someone who had his emotions set out so easily, and with the fact the ghost drift picked it up. Juyeon sighed, heartstrings tugging slightly at how Changmin easily got bummed over something.
Juyeon slaps Changmin's shoulder out of his knowledge of comfort."We'll go if we aren't dead by next week."
"We?" Changmin has this shit eating grin on his face, as they both turn back and follow their trail to the shatterdome. He scoffed."And it's different when it's winter. I wanted to see Mt. Hallasan covered in snow, not dead and dry grass."
"There is still dead grass on Mt. Hallasan," Juyeon ignored the first comment Changmin made, feeling his cheeks giddy. He looked away, scanning the surroundings instead to ensure their safety."Whether you like it or not. It's still there."
"Well you're here, whether you like me or not."
Juyeon was about to say something, but realizes what it was, then shuts his mouth. Changmin doesn't quite catch it because he's busy pondering about the piles of snow and rock in the pathway. The outline of the shatterdome visible, Juyeon is both happy and somehow… deflated too.
"It's different," Juyeon scowled finally. Changmin snickered at him, watching him continue."It's now my job to ensure you aren't dead, or else I'll fail my duties as a responsible ranger."
'I just don't want you dead, idiot.'
And Changmin smiled, the bright dazzling one. The one he showed when he was gulfing in happiness at the smallest of things.
'Oh god.' Juyeon realizes what that feeling in his chest was.
Juyeon wakes up once again, chilly sweat trickling down his spine, his heart beating out of his chest with his breath erratic, and Changmin's figure in the distance of a snowy afternoon burns into his eyes.
The tears well up in his eyes, but he has no choice but to let it go, the feeling of fear and grief creeping right back in.
Even in his own room, he can't hide from the world. So he hides behind his hands, covering his eyes in an attempt to cower, the tears running down his cheeks as a sob escapes his throat.
Because Changmin was 22, and he'll forever be 22 in Juyeon's memories. He'll forever be 22 in the pictures, the memorials and the newspapers. All because of Juyeon.
And it always felt like this in the mornings. It's not warm. It's too warm. Burning forever, never dying. The scars left behind will never fade.
All Juyeon could do was cry, ask for another chance, ask for another reality. But nothing changes. There were no such things as miracles, but only facing tomorrow once more.
"The compatibility is 85%,"The LOCCENT Engineer announced."That's the highest one today."
Juyeon slumped in his seat, not really caring. He doesn't care if the higher ups start getting giddy and excited at the chance, because Juyeon's going to retire anyways. What was the point? A mere 85% wasn't going to convince him otherwise.
"You were thinking about him again,"Sunwoo commented offhandedly, removing the straps without sparing a glance.
"I always do." Juyeon tilted his head to lean against the chair support, tired."He's been in my mind since we were sixteen. It feels strange knowing he's not there anymore."
"I know, it was overpowering."Sunwoo sighed."It does feel strange having someone else in your mind, no?"
Juyeon snorted."Yeah sure. It's annoying when Changmin argues with the cafeteria lady everyday. Could feel his anger in the ghost drift during rush hour."
"Please,"Sunwoo laughed."Chanhee tried to initiate a neural handshake with me after a quarrel we had, didn't go exactly well."
The only other person who could understand Juyeon's situation was Sunwoo; Chanhee's former partner. Or rather, Chanhee was Sunwoo's former partner.
Juyeon was sure that Chanhee and Sunwoo would become the unstoppable duo Younghoon and Hyunjae are now, because they were indestructible — brilliant and talented. Geniuses, as the higher ups called them.
But it was indeed a Kaiju that put a halt to their legacy, resulting in Chanhee's mental burnout after a horrible incident with a CAT III in the South China Sea. And now, Chanhee's piloting days were way behind him, leaving Sunwoo alone to cope and find another.
So here they are, countless drifts, neural handshakes with other cadets and pilots, but Juyeon doesn't easily let someone in again.
"What was the name of your jaeger again?" Sunwoo asked out of the blue."Sorry if I forgot, my mind's a bit fuzzy."
"It's fine."Juyeon picked at his coleslaw."The name's ironic, to be honest."
"Really? What's she called?"
"Eternal Salvation,"Juyeon laughs, and it's a bad attempt at joking about his own trauma."Which is shitty, because it's not very eternal, is it?"
Sunwoo doesn't know how to respond to that, so he tries to respond to that."Who gave the name?"
"Who else?"Juyeon shrugged, focusing on his platter.
Sunwoo realizes he would never ask that question again.
“Get him on a stretcher!’
There are voices distorted, yelling in his left ear. There's a distressed ringing in Lee Juyeon’s right canal. His vision is murky, like the waters of the East China Sea. there is nothing but bleary streaks of white and unclear figures moving around in his eyes. He’s forgetting… Where was he…
We were in the ocean… a CAT IV heading for Taiwan… the hull got scratched off… Changmin.
Changmin.
The paramedics had transferred Lee Juyeon onto a stretcher, facing the wreck in front of him that shattered Juyeon’s heart. It's painful, wretched. He doesn’t want to look but he can’t turn himself away.
Eternal Salvation’s gaping hole had broken down on the shore. Its right arm ripped off, the legs in shambles. Wires hung loose out of the side of it’s head, the dark armor cracked. It was his jaeger. Their jaeger, the memory of seeing it high and prideful for the same time coming back to hurt him.
But nothing compared… to the sight of inside the head of the jaeger.
The medics are huddled, engineers trying their best to disconnect the gear off the boy’s suit. The whole world seemed to grow dark, a gap shot right through Juyeon. Gut wrenching. He can’t… he can’t look…
Ji Changmin leaning out of the Conn Pad, the helmet with blood running down. Eyes are blank and wide open, looking off somewhere with no focus, limbs gangly and loose. Limp. He's quiet. Skin pale as the snow, red running. He's facing the other side, the left side.
A twisted realization hits Juyeon. Changmin was looking at him this whole time in the pod, until his last breath.
He doesn't see it. He doesn't see the eyes filled with curiosity and joy anymore. Instead they are empty, like a mirror reflecting back. The smile of warm summer days came like a winter dagger, straight through Juyeon's chest. Something was ripped out of him.
Juyeon wanted to scream, but nothing came out. Changmin— can you hear me? Please… Changmin… a tear runs down his face, words choking in his throat. Sunlit smiles under Mt. Hallasan's harsh winter, the corridors. He remembers it all. He never forgets.
He weakly moves his hand, reaching out but strained. Juyeon doesn't want to go to sleep yet. He wants to see Changmin.
He wants to see that darn bastard again. The one that steals his food. The one that slowly kisses him filled with adoration. The one who reassures Juyeon everytime that everything was alright, everything was going to be okay. They were going to live till they were 100 until 100 wasn't enough. They were supposed to.
He wants to see Ji Changmin under the sunshine again, smiling and laughing.
I'm sorry Changmin… I'm so sorry…
Juyeon opens his eyes. He isn't asleep, nor was he ever.
Instead he's holding a flower bouquet, standing under a tree with no leaves. And under that tree, was a tombstone, marked with a name he's all too familiar with.
It has been about a year since his retirement, and the day he left Jeju Shatterdome made him realize how most of his youth was spent there. It was hard surely, but slowly he was going to accept the new unknown future he was destined for.
"I said I would visit," Juyeon said, placing down the flowers."I finally got around, now that I live a bit closer to Seoul now."
The wind blows, carding through Juyeon's dark locks, so he tugs on his coat a bit tighter, gloves covering his hands, rubbing them for warmth.
"I'm doing fine, by the way. I applied for an office job. You hated those."
Juyeon looked off into the distance, a fond smile growing."I think I'm going to get over you now. So don't get too sulky about it, okay? You always wanted to be number one."
"Changmin ah," Juyeon said for the last time, his heart used to be heavy, now it felt a bit lighter."I'll see you around."
“See… see you…” Changmin’s voice faded in Juyeon’s mind. He wanted to stay awake, god he needed to, but he felt himself slowly slipping off, eyes blind. He could feel the blood pooling in the helmet, his cheek pressed against the cracked glass. Red stained his eyes, smeared liquid running down his nape. The words don’t come out anymore, even the ghost drift was too weak to even reach Juyeon.
Juyeon… Juyeon… it's like a replay, endlessly on a loop. Ji Changmin grew scared, the awful pain of Juyeon’s rib injury felt. He felt his pain, his fear.
In Eternal Salvation they bled and loved, grew scared for each other even when they barely held onto their last breaths. They were connected, but slowly wilting in the conn pad.
There are memories. Ones of his mother, of his friends fading off. Sunwoo’s snarky remarks and Chanhee’s introduction at recruit day. Hyunjae’s “are you coming?”, as he sees himself in the corridors of Jeju Shatterdome once again. The showers, the elevator.
But there was Mt. Hallasan. The snowy hills, the kwoon room. A dimly lit room where that song was playing again. In all of those, there was Lee Juyeon. And he’s somehow bitter about the time they spent together being so short. But everything was like a dream; shared kisses in the elevator, hands grazing, hands holding.
Juyeon… he called out again, nothing more than a whisper exiting his lips barely. It's you. It's you all over again, no one but you.
There’s a blinding light, it felt warm as it grazed Changmin’s forehead. He couldn’t be bothered to keep himself awake anymore, letting him wander off into letting go. He smiled, hearing the faint noise of a chopper. Help is here.
There’s relief blooming in him, knowing that Juyeon can make it. But before those feelings could reach through the ghost drift, only the words after came alone.
“See you in the drift, Juyo..”
The waves are crashing, there is no sound at the other end of Juyeon.