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Today, Younghyun woke up tired.
Existing felt heavy, like a chore, and he was so very tired - physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even basic things like eating and getting up from bed felt too difficult to do on days like this; it was as if he had the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. He felt lost and alone, as if everything he knew had changed around him overnight - or was it him who changed overnight?
The almost aggressive sound of the thunderstorm outside echoed in the shared bedroom, making him want to burrow into the sheets more than what was humanly possible. He could only guess what time it was with how dreary everything seemed - late morning? early afternoon? He knew, almost distantly, that he had responsibilities to take care of, schedules to attend, songs to finish, Dekira sessions to record - and that was just in terms of work. Work he loved doing and was passionate about on a normal day, but he's just so, so tired.
He also knew he had to update his parents on his well-being ( which he can't, not now; he can't show himself to them like this and cause them to worry ). He knew he had to check up on his bandmates, his friends, his manager.
Is Jae hyung okay? Has he been eating well now that he lives away from them? Has Wonpil been resting well now that his musical is over? Has Dowoon been taking care of himself lately between shooting for schedules and practicing to make his already impressive drumming even better? And Sungjin hyung, who's in the military - how has he been? How have My Days been? Have they been worried about the five of them? Younghyun sincerely hopes they've been alright, all of them.
God. There's so much to think about, and there’s always so much to do, and he just feels so, so tired. Younghyun thinks perhaps this has been a long time coming; that constantly pushing back on thinking about these things and simply going through the motions has finally backfired. The taut strings holding him upright have snapped at long last, and he's collapsed like a broken puppet.
He curls up tighter into himself, pulling the blanket up to his chin, trying to just breathe through his worries. But as much as he tries to stop his racing mind, the more new thoughts enter - what time is it? He should have gotten up by now. Does he have a schedule today? Should he call a sick day? (he can't, he can't). How are his parents back in Canada? Where are his dongsaengs? Have they eaten?
As if summoned by his thoughts, the door to their shared room creaks open, and Dowoon enters quietly with his gym bag, smelling like soap, a towel hanging around his neck. Younghyun watches with half-open eyes from his blanket as the younger one towel dries his hair, not wanting to let the other know he was awake.
Well, that's one worry off my list, at least , he thinks and sighs quietly.
Perhaps not as quietly as he thought, since Dowoon turned to look at him, lips parted slightly.
"Hyung, you're awake! Sorry, I didn't notice; I hope I didn't accidentally wake you," he says, smiling apologetically as he proceeded to blow dry his hair. “I know you have today off; you deserve to rest more than anyone else I know.”
Younghyun blinks, having forgotten that he actually had the right to take a break that day - his rest day - before simply shaking his head at the maknae, not having enough energy to talk. His uncharacteristic silence causes the other to pause, slightly frowning as he makes his way to the bottom bunk of their shared bed, sitting by him.
He couldn't help but close his eyes as Dowoon tugged his blanket down. “Hyung,” the younger boy begins, pressing the back of his hand on Younghyun’s forehead and neck, before finally resting it lightly on his hair. It felt only right to nuzzle closer to the hand, like a cat basking in the warmth of the sun. Opening his eyes slightly, he sees the other frowning deeper than before. “Are you okay? Does your head hurt?”
Talking... talking and thinking is too much effort , Younghyun thinks, and he only has so much energy to spend right now. So he closes his eyes again and curls up tighter, moving to rest his head on Dowoon's thigh. He sighs deeply as the other hums and runs his fingers through Younghyun’s hair again and again, as if soothing an ache.
It seems as though Dowoon knows not to push right now, to just accept him like this and let him be. How does he know that this is exactly what I need? It seems like he knows me better than I know myself sometimes, he thought, feeling his heart ache a little.
It's nothing, really, what they're doing. The two of them are just sitting together in silence, just existing, but for some reason, he feels his eyes well up with tears. He takes a deep breath, trying to stay quiet, but of course Dowoon knows. The hand stops petting his head, so he blinks his eyes open, his eyelashes wet with unshed tears. And Dowoon, sweet Dowoon gently brushes his thumb over his cheekbone as if saying, It's okay. It's okay to cry, hyung. It's okay to be tired; it’s okay to rest. It's okay. There’s nothing wrong with this, with being human .
And it's the gentleness of his hand, his warm and steady presence, and the soft look in his eyes that fully breaks the dam. Younghyun feels his face contort as the tears finally fall, and he can't help but think of how he must look like the animated characters he watches, with their big fat watery tears running down their cheeks and noses. He buries his face further onto the maknae's lap and takes hiccuping breaths in an attempt to calm himself down.
He feels Dowoon freeze for a second before carefully moving Younghyun’s head back to the bed as he pulls away, and the older boy feels his heart clench. Ah, of course, I scared him off , he thinks.
To his surprise, though, the younger boy just pushes Younghyun a bit farther away from where he’s laying on the bed before laying down in front of him and opening his arms. Younghyun blinks, a little lost, tears still falling and breath still quick as Dowoon pats his own shoulder, smiling a little.
"It'll be more comfortable this way, hyung. So don’t worry, it's okay, just let it out. I’ll be here."
And so he does just that, latching onto the younger one. He cries and cries his anxieties away, trying not to think about how this will add another thing to his list of worries - I should be taking care of Dowoon, not the other way around, right?
But the other just tangles their legs together and wraps an arm around his waist, using the other hand to rub his back comfortingly. Younghyun doesn't know how long he lets himself go, how long he lets himself be held and taken care of before he eventually runs out of tears and falls asleep in Dowoon’s warm embrace.
-
Younghyun wakes up in a haze, surrounded by heat. Not uncomfortably so, he thought sluggishly; just the right amount of warmth. It’s a huge contrast to how he woke up earlier that day, cold seeping into his bones. He yawns widely and snuggles closer to the heat source, eyes still closed, while his body and mind catch up to the waking world. It takes a few moments before he senses a heartbeat right by his face, slow and steady, and recognizes the feeling of a hand combing through his hair. It takes him a few more moments before he realizes who this is ( and who else could it be? of course it's his Dowoon ) and what happened before he fell asleep.
He blinks slowly, eyes feeling tired and slightly swollen from his breakdown. His heart, though, feels lighter already. The hand on his hair stops, causing him to pout before Dowoon wipes the sleep from Younghyun’s eyes with his thumb, still as gentle as ever. Then, finally, he musters up the courage to meet the younger man’s eyes and is met with - as expected - a concerned gaze.
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," comes the low rumble of his voice, slightly hoarse with disuse. Oh no. How long did they nap? "But I hope you know I’m here for you, hyung." Dowoon finishes, meeting his eyes earnestly, and Younghyun feels a surge of affection for the other.
The messy-haired, bright-eyed boy had always occupied a special place in his heart, ever since their manager introduced the drummer to round out their team many years ago. Younghyun had always been the one to fuss over the other, making sure he had opportunities to come out of his shell during interviews and variety shows, helping him become comfortable with the team’s dynamics. Taking care of Dowoon throughout the years had never felt burdensome, and the more he saw the younger boy gain confidence in his personality and talents, the prouder and happier Younghyun became.
How quickly time passes, and how suddenly the tables turn. Or perhaps not suddenly; perhaps this has been happening subtly over the years as well. Perhaps he simply didn’t notice what was right under his nose, where the care and love he poured onto the other had been slowly reciprocated, turning into a back and forth, like the ocean’s waves pushing and pulling against the shore.
Now it’s Dowoon taking care of Younghyun, and as much as he wanted to not be a burden on the other boy, he knew he owed him the truth about how he was feeling. And what was he supposed to do, say no to those puppy eyes? Instead, he sighs deeply once more and breaks eye contact, composing his thoughts.
"I’m just tired, Dowoon-ah," he admits softly, afraid that voicing his thoughts aloud would make them more real somehow. Afraid that if he admitted how exhausted he was in all aspects, the world - their world - would crumble. It sounds like an exaggeration, but if he couldn't stay strong anymore, who would be there to keep the band together? His hyungs weren't in the best state emotionally, and the younger ones...
It wasn't like he didn't trust them, but he always felt like he had to show a strong face now more than ever. Now, though, after everything that’s happened these past few weeks with their neverending schedule, work on top of work on top of work with little to no rest in between, Younghyun’s starting to think that the cracks in his facade have always been there; that all this time they've been growing rapidly in size, and it was only a matter of time before he shattered completely.
"I’m tired, Dowoon. And knowing that I’ve pushed my exhaustion back for so long and kept myself doing everything that I knew I had to do... I’m scared I won't be able to put myself back together anymore," he whispers his confession into the crook of Dowoon's neck. He feels the younger boy's arms tighten around him, his way of letting Younghyun know he's listening.
"I’m tired, so tired of the pressure to keep everything together, to live up to peoples’ expectations. I’m tired of this pandemic robbing us of the right to see our fans, to recharge and gain back energy and motivation from them."
"I’m tired of feeling like the efforts I’m putting out into the world are going nowhere, and I’m tired of feeling tired because I want to be okay. I want to be strong for you and Wonpil and the hyungs and My Days. I need to be strong, but I’m just... I’m not. I’m not strong enough to carry all of this alone."
When the final confession leaves his mouth, he takes a deep breath and exhales. He feels lighter now that he's told Dowoon, knowing the younger man will take every word seriously.
He's kept them inside for so long, the fears and anxieties burning his insides like a smoldering flame. The words are free from his chest, and whether they burn brighter or die down, at least they're out in the open now. It's somewhat terrifying. For so long, he refused to voice his anxieties and insecurities out loud, as if speaking them aloud made them more real. At least he can breathe a little easier now, though, for what it’s worth.
He's still mulling over his thoughts when he feels warm lips press tenderly onto his forehead. Younghyun breathes in a quiet, trembling breath as he feels himself flushing, heart beating faster as the blood rushes to his face and neck. He hopes, despite their close proximity, that Dowoon wouldn’t be able to hear his hummingbird heart, whispering more, more, more with every beat.
Younghyun berates himself internally at his body’s reactions - you've been vulnerable this entire time in Dowoon's arms, what makes this any different - and dares to look up. The other seems deep in thought, brushing back Younghyun’s hair with his fingers again, but his ears are flaming red - a clear tell that he’s just as - surprised? embarrassed? - as Younghyun was at the sudden, almost impulsive gesture.
"I’m glad you were finally able to let your thoughts out, hyung," the younger man began slowly, and Younghyun could only listen with rapt attention. "You’ve been strong and have held on for so long, and I’m so proud of you for that. I hope you know, though, that it also takes strength to admit to feeling weak, as you did now. It takes a different kind of strength to let yourself be vulnerable and open up to others. So I think, even now - no, especially now - that you’re still the strongest person I know.”
Younghyun wants to protest, but nods anyway; it seemed as though Dowoon had a lot more to say. “I hope you also know that it’s okay not to be perfect all the time. I hope you know that it’s okay to lean on others for support, and that you don’t have to do everything on your own, even if you say you’re used to it after being independent for so long.” Dowoon says, smiling slightly and brushing his knuckles ever so lightly over Younghyun’s cheek. “It’s not a crime to rely on other people, you know?”
“The world is a heavy thing to carry alone; it’s a good thing you aren’t. You can share the weight with us, your friends. Please remember that you can share the weight with me, especially, just as I know I can share my troubles with you.” With every word Dowoon says, Younghyun feels his soul getting lighter and lighter, as if shedding layers of darkness.
Being entirely surrounded by the other - hearing his comforting words, looking into the other’s earnest brown eyes, feeling the warmth of his embrace, being enveloped in the scent of fresh soap and baby powder - how could his heart possibly stay heavy?
“If you’re tired, you can rest. Rest easy knowing you have people with you who love and care about you, who want you to be happy. I know with us being who we are, we have so many responsibilities to so many people. But I believe your health and happiness are the most important things, things you should put above everything else,” Dowoon continues, keeping his eyes on Younghyun’s even as his neck flushes, as if to make sure he’s taking in what the other was saying.
“You know the saying ‘ You can’t pour from an empty cup ’, right hyung? I think it applies to us; to you. It’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to breathe for a moment. You won’t disappoint anyone if you do, I promise,” the younger boy says, smiling gently before taking a breath. Younghyun bites his lip, feeling his emotions build up at Dowoon’s words.
He knows the boy means each and every word leaving his mouth, which makes his heart swell even more. He doesn’t feel like he deserves this unwavering attention, this bright and golden kindness in the form of words being poured into the cracks in his facade, but he accepts it nonetheless. “You’ve taken care of everyone for so long, so let me do the same for you; not because I feel obligated to, but because I want to. Because I love you , Younghyun hyung, and I want you to always be happy and healthy.”
“I can't solve your problems, but I can be here right beside you to help you glue yourself back together. I'll be right here through the pandemic, through our enlistments, and all the years after when we'll be able to see My Days again, I promise.” Dowoon pauses here, blinking rapidly as if to hold back tears of his own. He always misses the hyungs terribly, and soon enough I’ll be part of the ones he’ll be missing, Younghyun thinks, feeling a sharp pang in his chest. “So you don't have to be strong alone anymore, and I'm sorry it took me this long to reassure you that you're not - that you were never alone.”
“You don't have to face these things alone, hyung. I'm right here. We’re right here - your family, your friends. But I admit, I want to be a little selfish and say that I want to be one of the first ones you turn to when you’re having a hard time.” Dowoon ends, hugging his hyung by the shoulders before burying his face in Younghyun’s hair. “I really do care about you a lot, you know.”
Younghyun wraps his arms around the other boy’s waist and breathes in, humming, taking in everything he heard. Hearing all the words of comfort helps - they help so much more than he thought they would, actually, and he kind of wants to cry again, wants to tuck this memory into a safe corner of his brain for really bad days, but also -
“Yoon Dowoon. Did you just confess to me in the middle of all that?” he asks, pinching the younger one’s waist. It’s not like he didn’t appreciate ( or want! ) the confession, it just surprised him after mentally going through everything the other had said.
“Hyung!” Dowoon huffs, pouting as he moves back to his line of sight before flicking Younghyun’s forehead lightly. “That’s what you take from all of that?”
“You idiot. My idiot now, I guess. I can’t believe this, I was ready to cry again before I actually processed what you said. Thank you, though, baby,” Younghyun says, wiping his misty eyes with the back of his hand before cupping the younger boy’s cheeks. He feels Dowoon jolt slightly in surprise, whether it be because of the pet name or because of his hands on the other’s warm cheeks.
“Thank you for everything, Dowoon-ah - for being here, for listening, for letting me cry on you, for giving me your kind words. It means so much to me, more than you know. And I know that just one conversation won’t fix everything, and that tomorrow will be hard too, and the day after that, but I think I know where to go from here. Or at least, where to begin.”
This was the truth. While being comforted by words of assurance and cuddles from his favorite person after a breakdown certainly helped, his anxieties still lingered in the back of his mind. Having someone listen to him and talk him through it helped, though, which made Younghyun think about possibly finding a counselor or a therapist… he’ll just have to ask Jaehyung about it some time. He shakes his head to bring him back to the present moment, sure that Dowoon had just witnessed him space out for a minute or two.
“And you’re right, of course. It’s okay to rest a little bit, and to ask for help - I might look into that soon. When did you grow up and get so smart?” he chuckles quietly, pressing his thumbs slightly into the younger man’s cheeks. Younghyun feels the heat pooling on Dowoon’s cheeks at the praise and the proximity of their faces as he tries to avoid eye contact, apparently back to his shy self after seeing Younghyun closer to his normal self.
He finds himself smiling tenderly, internally basking in the warmth of how it feels to love someone after feeling so down. “I’m glad to have you by my side. I want you by my side, and I hope you know that I have your back just as you have mine.”
“Wait, so does that mean you like me back, hyung? Like, like like?” Dowoon asks, looking at him with stars in his eyes before smiling giddily. If Younghyun squinted a little, he’s sure he would be able to see the other’s tail wagging.
“ Aish . You idiot, really, after everything I said. Do I have to prove it to you?” Younghyun asks, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. Before he’s even done with the sentence, he notices Dowoon’s eyes drifting down to his lips before quickly going back to meet his own. His lips quirk upwards of their own accord at this before he rests his forehead on the other’s. I guess he does want proof. Cute.
“Well, can I kiss you, baby?”
He holds back a laugh as he feels, rather than hears, Dowoon inhale sharply before closing his eyes. He’ll take that as a yes, then. Younghyun can’t stop himself from smiling as he bridges the gap between them, and as their lips meet, he can’t help but feel like he’s come home.