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Las Vegas lost its appeal the second or third time you’d been there on a case, but Rossi always managed to convince the unit chief to stay an extra night so he could go waste money in the casinos.
(Hotch gave in to him way too quickly every single time, and Emily wasn’t much better at saying no. This afternoon she hadn’t cared enough to argue, especially after seeing Alvez’s and Tara’s hopeful expressions).
Tara had coaxed you into having one too many drinks at dinner, so even with the food, you were feeling a little tipsy. Not quite enough to join them when they all disappear to go out, but enough that you and Emily decide to remain at the table drinking wine and laughing for over an hour after everyone else has left.
It’s the waiters getting annoyed you were taking up such a large table that finally gets you to leave. Emily buys a bottle of wine on the way out, ignoring your protests about heading to the nearest shop instead to save money.
“It’s too far and I’m too lazy.” She said as she paid the bartender. She then finds your hand and drags you along with her to the elevator.
You end up in her room.
Half a bottle later, she’s stretched out across the floor, eyes closed but still awake, while you sit beside her, back resisting against the bed and taking swigs from the bottle.
“You’re going to fall asleep.” You comment, looking down at her and ignoring the way your heart clenches at the sight. It had been happening more and more frequently over the last couple of months and you didn’t understand why because you’d thought you’d gotten these feelings under control years ago.
Emily doesn’t open her eyes as she responds. “No, I won’t. This floor is uncomfortable as hell and I’m not nearly drunk enough to forget how badly my back will hurt if I pass out here.”
“Okay.” You chuckle, only half believing her. “Want more wine?”
She scrunches up her nose. “No, it’s gross.”
It was. “You spent $50 on it.”
She groans, rolling her head to the side. “Please don’t remind me.”
“I guess it’s better than that time you bought yourself a hot tub even though you don’t have a garden.” You snort. Drunk Emily was the queen of stupid purchases. She had ended up giving it to JJ because the store wouldn’t let her return it.
“Fuck off.”
You laugh, and Emily shoves your leg half-heartedly.
It falls silent again. She lays still while you take the occasional sip from the bottle, drawing patterns into the carpet with your finger.
You aren’t sure of the time (your phone had been abandoned somewhere in the room when you’d arrived and you didn’t care enough to search for it) but you know it’s late, and it’s because of that and the wine in your system that you ask the question you do.
“Are you happy?”
Emily’s brows furrow as she opens her eyes and stares up at you.
“With Mendoza.” You clarify, fingers digging deeper into the carpet. “Are you happy?”
“Of course,” She says, smiling in a way that doesn’t meet her eyes. “He loves me a lot.”
“Right.” You nod, “Good.”
Emily clears her throat, looking away. “He’s, uh, actually asked me to meet his daughter.”
“Oh, wow. That’s a big step.” You take a gulp of wine. Why did you do this to yourself? Why ask?
“Yeah. It is.” She sighs and pushes herself up. Grabbing the bottle from your hands, she sits beside you and takes a long swig.
The tension in her body is obvious but before you can reassure her that she’ll do amazingly, Emily’s trying to refocus the attention on you.
“Are you happy?”
“Yeah.” You shrug, snatching the bottle back.
And you were, practically. Maybe a little lonely, but it’s your own fault for being in love with your best friend.
“You’ve seemed down recently.” Emily comments, looking at you in question.
You take another sip of wine.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but I’m always here to listen.”
“I know.” You nod, smiling weakly at her. You push the wine bottle back into her hands and watch her tip her head back and take a sip. A bit of the red liquid spills and runs down from her lip.
Your thumb swipes out to catch it, brushing the edge of her mouth much too slowly.
Emily lowers the bottle, watching you closely, and you can’t decipher the emotions in her eyes but it stops you from pulling away.
Her gaze drops to your lips before slowly meeting your eyes again, and your heart beats so loudly it reaches your ears.
You drag her chin forward, and she follows without protest. Her eyes drop back to your lips before falling close and meeting your mouth in a kiss that’s soft and slow.
You release a shaky breath when she pulls away, scared to see what would surely be regret, but instead, she just places the wine bottle down, mutters a “don’t wanna spill that” before she leans back in, her hand caressing your cheek as she kisses you.
There’s no urgency to the kisses, both of you taking your time to explore each other’s mouths. Your hand falls to her thigh to steady yourself and Emily mews into your mouth, causing your thighs to clench together.
She grabs the fabric of your shirt and tugs you forward, signalling for you to get onto her lap which you do without protest, she releases a small whine when you detach your mouth from hers momentarily and it makes you chuckle.
Your hands find her hair, while hers start at your hips and slowly begin to slide under the back of your shirt.
“We should stop.” You say between kisses, because you should, but god you don’t want to.
“Yeah.” She sighs but grips at you tighter.
“Emily,” You try again when she pulls away, but then her mouth drops to your neck and your head tips back and her name becomes a sigh.
Your protests die out after that because you’ve wanted this since you met her all those years ago. And the wine fogging your brain allows you to ignore the part of you that knows this is only happening because she’s freaking out about Mendoza.
Because Emily always ran when things got too much.
She self-sabotaged and moved to whole different fucking countries.
But when her teeth nip at your throat and her hands begin unbuttoning your shirt, that’s the furthest thought from your mind.
You love her and fuck you’ll let her destroy you for one night of feeling like she loves you back.
“Let me make you feel good.” She whispers, hot breath tickling your ear.
Your breathing stutters and your eyes fall close. She kisses along your jaw as she pushes the shirt from your shoulders. “What do you say?” She hums
“Yes. God, yes. Please.” You beg.
And she does, again and again. She explores every inch of your body, whispering forbidden words along the way and you do the same in return. “I’ve wanted to do this for years.” She mummers at one point and it’s enough to bring tears to your eyes. You push them away, stopping the ‘I love you’ that threatens to burst from your lips by kissing her deeply.
It’s somehow more than you’ve ever let yourself dream about and yet not quite what you want. It’s her calling you stunning and explaining in detail what she wants to do to you. It’s moments of laughter and soft smiles and gentle kisses between the passion. It’s her eyes dark with desire and need, and it's her head tipped back in pleasure as you make her come undone again and again and again.
But all of that is tainted by the fact you know that it isn’t love that she’s feeling for you. It’s destruction masked by desire. Because deep down she must know that this will affect your friendship but it's easier for her to bury herself in you, and to harm her relationship with Mendoza than it is to accept the fact she loves him and meeting his daughter makes that relationship real, it gives her roots she can’t run from and that terrifies her.
You’re her escape for the night and you know it, but hours later when both of you are too exhausted to move, she holds you in her arms and presses a lazy kiss against your forehead and you begin to question if maybe it’s more for her. You look at her, taking in everything about the moment and the only thing stopping tears from forming in your eyes at her expression is sheer exhaustion because the look on her face is something you’d only ever seen in quick flashes, it’s affection, and if you were dumb enough, something you might have dared to call love. Instead, you let your eyes fall close and finally succumb to sleep.
You wake to sunlight peeking through the open blinds. Emily’s arms are still wrapped around you, holding you tightly to her side. Her soft snores tickle your hair and make you smile. Your body aches in amazing ways but it isn’t enough to dull out the thumping of your head and the heavy feeling in your heart.
Emily grumbles but doesn’t wake as you detach yourself from her arms. You dress in silence. It takes everything in you to not climb back into the bed, but you just remind yourself how she’ll freak out when she realises what she’s done, how she’ll apologise and regret it and you won’t be able to stop yourself from crying if you hear her say those words.
You grab your bag and shoes, not bothering to put the latter on as you quietly open the door and slip out of the room.
You blow out a deep breath as tears burn your eyes. This was properly the stupidest thing you’d ever done, and you weren’t even sure you regretted it.
A door opening down the corridor spurs you into action. You suck in your tears and turn and then freeze when you notice Reid slipping out of Alvez’s room.
He meets your eyes and stops. Panic and fear run through his face before he sighs and lowers his head. Everyone knew anyway, just no one spoke about it because Reid and Alvez were yet to say anything.
“It’s still new.” He whispers as he approaches and if you weren’t still freaking the fuck out about what he’s about to realise you would have formulated a response.
His eyes flick between you and the door behind you. His mouth falls open. “You and-”
“Don’t.” You warn.
“Y/N...” Reid says, his voice aching with sympathy.
And it’s too soon, too fresh. You hadn’t had time to break down and piece yourself back together yet so there’s no stopping the tears that fill your eyes.
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” You grit even as your hands shake. “Don’t breathe a word of this to anyone or I swear to god…”
Reid shakes his head and holds his hands up. “I won’t.” He promises.
You walk past him, keeping your head high and tears back. You wait until you are in your room to let your tears fall, and even then it’s only once you reach the shower and can hide them amongst the spray of water.
It was fine.
Everything would be fine.
It would be awkward for a few days, Emily would avoid you until she could throw herself at Mendoza and reassure herself what happened was a mistake. And then the two of you would pretend it never happened.
There would be no discussing it.
And somehow you will find a way to fall out of love with your best friend.
Reid is waiting in the lobby with two cups of coffee when you arrive. He holds one out for you, a placating smile on his face. “Here. I thought you could use it.”
“Thank you.” You murmur, accepting the cup with a small smile of your own. His shoulders relax and he lifts his own cup up to take a sip of the drink.
“Where is everyone?” You ask. The rest of the team was usually in the lobby by this time, yet no one was here.
“Already outside. Apart from JJ who's gone to find Emily because she’s yet to appear.”
You tense, nodding your head stiffly. “Right.”
Reid studies you, picking up on your rigidness. “I won’t say anything to anyone, not even Luke. I promise.”
“I know.” You respond, looking at him with a tired smile. He wouldn’t push for more information but you can see his curiosity as he tries to piece it all together.
“It was just a one-time thing.” You say quietly, dropping your head to hide the tears that pool in your eyes. You clear your throat and blink them away. “It won’t happen again.”
He sighs, “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but she’ll come to her senses eventually.”
You frown and lift your head to meet his eyes. “And realise what? It only happened because she was freaking out and I was there.”
A deep frown spreads across his face. “You don’t honestly believe that, do you?”
“It’s what happened.”
“Y/N,” He sighs. “She loves you.”
“Reid, don’t.” You warn. Your heart flutters forbiddingly at the thought.
"She is with Mendoza because she thinks she should be, not because she loves him. You weren’t the mistake. He is.” He urges.
You shake your head, blinking away tears. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but please stop. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
His voice softens as his brows furrow. “But you two are meant to be together.”
You smile sadly, “We were only ever meant to be friends, and I came to terms with that a long time ago.” You tilt your head, sighing. “Last night was a slip up on my part, I knew better.”
“You’re already detaching yourself from what happened. Have you even spoken to her about it?”
“What’s there to say?” You shrug helplessly.
“Y/N,” Reid tries to protest but he’s interrupted by the dinging of the elevator and Emily and JJ stepping out into the lobby. You turn around and your heart pounds at the sight of her.
She doesn’t look in your direction, just walks past with a death grip on her bag. “Five minutes and we leave.” She announces as she passes.
It’s dumb, but your heart sinks. There had been a tiny part of you that had hoped she’d show you some kind of emotion that proved last night meant something to her, but instead she practically ignored you, proving what you already knew. She regretted it.
You turn back to Reid and sigh, “Come on. The sooner I get out of Las Vegas, the better.”
He looks like he wants to say more, but he deflates. “Fine.”
…….
You’d just finished drying the last of your dishes when the phone started to ring. You drop the tea towel on the counter before pulling your mobile from your pocket.
It’s Emily. Your stomach twists.
You’d avoided looking at her the whole day and had deliberately gotten into the other SUV to her and sat as far away as possible on the jet. Occasionally you’d feel her eyes stray to you, but you always kept your head in your phone and refused to meet her gaze.
You hadn’t expected her to call.
You blow out a breath before answering. “Hey.”
The phone crackles for a moment. “Hi.” She responds, tiredness clear in her voice.
You clutch the phone tighter, fiddling with a pen that had been laying on the counter as you wait for her to lead the call.
After a long moment, she speaks. “Y/N…” Her voice cracks “I’m sorry.”
Your eyes fall close, tears threatening to burst free as you grip the pen tightly. “I know.”
“Last night...”
You sniff. “It was a mistake. We were drunk.”
“Drunk. Right.” She agrees.
It’s silent for another long moment. Long enough that you’re half concerned the phone’s disconnected until her hesitant voice travels down the line.
“Are we okay?”
And you hate that this is your life now. You really weren’t sure what she’d have to do for you to leave her side. She didn’t just have your heart, she had your entire body and she wasn’t even aware.
“Yeah, Em.” Silent tears drip down your cheeks. “We’re okay.”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t. I promise.”
And she doesn’t. It’s not the same, but it becomes the new normal.
The first month is difficult. Emily can’t be near you without looking riddled with guilt, and it hurts so much it feels like you’re getting stabbed in the chest any time you see her.
But eventually, it begins to settle. The heartache fades to a bearable level. Emily starts properly smiling around you again and sometimes it feels like it never happened.
But then you’ll accidentally touch her hand or she’ll brush past you and you’ll both flinch. It’s probably the worst consequence of the whole thing because Emily shows her love through touch and on so many occasions she goes to reach out, only to stop herself.
Occasionally you catch her watching you. It’s only for a flash before she looks away, but the expression on her face looks like longing and it makes your heart ache all over again.
You aren’t sure what the team thinks, they definitely noticed the slight tension at the beginning, but as the two of you get better at pretending, it seems they think everything is fine. Well, apart from Reid, who watches your interactions closely, and looks at you with probing eyes that you had no idea how to deal with so choose to ignore.
But it’s okay.
It’s good, really, all things considered.
“Prentiss, what the hell!” You yell, storming over to the ambulance where she was currently sitting, holding an ice pack to her head.
She’d separated herself from the team, and the unsub had gotten the jump on her. Apart from being a little bruised up, she really was okay, but that knowledge was not calming the pounding of your heart and the bile rising in your throat at the thought of losing her.
“I’m fine.” She dismisses, wincing at your loud voice.
You deflate slightly. “I can’t believe you.” You grumble. “You could have gotten seriously hurt.”
“I know,” She sighs, tiredness shining in her eyes “and I’m sorry.”
“What?” You respond in surprise. Emily never gave in that easily. It was usually an uphill battle to even get her to sit in the ambulance.
“What?” She defends.
“How hard did you hit your head?”
She rolls her eyes, smirking. “Funny.”
“No, I’m being serious. You’ve never apologised for anything this quickly in your life."
“People change.” She shrugs. “Growth or whatever.”
You stare at her, brows creased in amusement. “Yeah, people change. You don’t.”
“Hey!” She protests and then immediately winces at the loud sound of her voice. Her voice lowers to a murmur. “I’ve changed.”
“Alright, so how about we go to the hospital to get you a proper checkup?”
“I don’t need to-” She starts to protest, but at your knowing look, she stops and rolls her eyes. “That’s different! I am fine.”
“Emily,” You sigh.
“Y/N,” She mimics back. “If you’re that worried, you can give me a lift home. I don’t have a concussion, just a headache that I would like to take painkillers for. So, please.”
You weigh your options for all of three seconds before sighing. “Fine. Get in the car.”
Emily grins, entirely too proud of herself as she hops off the back of the ambulance. You roll your eyes and try to squash the small smirk threatening to break free as you follow after her.
“Oh, can we stop by the office too? I need to grab my bags.” She asks.
“Was planning on it anyway.” You smirk. “Garcia demanded it.”
She winces. “Oh god.”
The journey back to Quantico is quick. Emily spends 20 minutes trying to convince Garcia she’s okay while you wait in Emily’s office with the bags.
When she returns you have to stop her from taking painkillers with coffee. You steal the coffee cup from her desk and replace it with a glass of water, completely ignoring her grumbles.
It’s another hour before you get to hers with a fresh bag of takeout food that Emily had demanded you stop for on the way.
“Will you please sit down?” You huff, as you move around her and pull plates from her cupboards.
“Are you bossing me around my own home?” She smirks, eyebrows raised in amusement.
“Yes. Now sit.” You order, placing the plates on the table before turning and grabbing glasses.
She snorts and slides into a chair. She opens the bag of food and begins to dish it out.
You return with two glasses of water. Emily looks at them, unimpressed.
“You are not having wine after taking painkillers.”
She rolls her eyes and mumbles something under her breath you don’t catch.
“What was that?”
“I called you a killjoy.”
You laugh. “Fine by me.”
She rolls her eyes again, an affectionate smile on her lips as she lowers her head and digs into the food.
Emily occasionally winces and shifts in her chair, trying to find a comfortable position, but you don’t comment on it, happy to instead focus on the easy conversation and making her laugh. It’s nice watching the stress of the day leave her body, her smile gets more real as the time goes on, and her laughter has butterflies swarming in your stomach.
You’re just clearing the table, moving the plates to the sink to deal with later when Emily’s phone starts blaring. Mendoza’s caller ID lights up the screen, and your happiness instantly melts away. Emily’s smile dims, and she picks her phone up with an apologetic look.
“Sorry. I’ll only be a few minutes.” She says, rising from her chair with a wince.
“It’s fine.” You urge, but you know your strained smile betrays you. “I should probably get going anyway.”
“No, stay. Please.” She pleads. “I’ll be quick, I promise.”
You stare at her for a moment, figuring out if she was being genuine or not and when you decide she is, you relent. “Okay.”
She smiles softly, nodding her head before she retreats outside to her balcony. You drop your head into your hands and blow out a long breath.
It’s been five months since Las Vegas and you hadn’t seen Mendoza in person once which you were incredibly grateful for, but it also meant it was easy to forget he existed, especially when Emily had started smiling at you again. It has allowed you to lull yourself into a false reality so now every time someone mentions him or Emily’s phone lights up with a text or call from him it’s like getting hit with a brick.
“I’m okay, really Andrew. You don’t need to come over.” You hear Emily say, her tone soft but sure. There’s a pause as Mendoza responds but then she sighs.
“It’s late and I'm tired. I’m just going to go to bed, there’s no need. Okay?” It’s impossible not to notice the way she’s avoided even mentioning the fact you’re here. It makes you feel gross and you push yourself up from the table, seeking somewhere where you can’t hear their conversation.
You end up in her study, browsing her large collection of books, most of which are in piles on the floor instead of the perfectly good bookcase which is filled with trinkets, photos, and awards. You smile at the sight of her overfilled desk, paperwork and books fill the table in a way that reminds you of Reid. It’s ridiculous really, you have no idea how she even functions in this room. Every time you come over it gets increasingly messier, which really shouldn’t be possible, but you love her for it. It’s weirdly endearing, especially when compared to the rest of her home which is always tidy.
You run your fingers along the edge of the desk, smiling at the mess. You reach for one of the books, carefully flicking through the pages, tracing the lines of a language you can’t read.
A small box sits on her desk, hidden behind a pen pot. You reach out for it curiously and your stomach lurches when your fingers touch the blue velvet and you’re faced with what could not be anything other than a ring box. You open it with a shaking hand.
Oh.
No, no, no, no.
It was an engagement ring. She was marrying him.
“Fuck.” You cry, tears dripping down your cheeks as you stare at the ring. It was beautiful, perfectly suited for her but god you hated it. Hated him.
You wondered if he even knew about Las Vegas?
“Sorry about that.” Emily sighs, stepping into the room. Your back is to her so she can’t see the tears rolling down your cheeks or the box you’re holding. “It’s gross in here, come on.” She urges as she approaches. You try to wipe the evidence of your tears away but you already know your face is going to be puffy.
“I was thinking we could watch-” Her voice cuts off when she sees what you’re holding. “Oh.” She croaks.
“You got engaged.” You say, turning your head to look at her. You try to smile but it’s weak and flimsy and is easily outshone by the pain in your eyes.
She clears her throat, “Andrew proposed.” She says carefully, eyes flicking to the side. “I, uh, I haven’t given him an answer yet.”
“Are you going to say yes?” You ask, voice hoarse as your eyes drift back to the ring in your hands.
“I don’t know.” She responds helplessly, eyes burning into the side of your head.
The words don’t fill you with relief like you thought they would, instead they fill you with a sense of dread because this was another moment where you could predict Emily doing something similar to Las Vegas, and you honestly weren’t sure you could survive that again.
You close the ring box and return it to the desk, forcing a smile to your lips before you meet her gaze. You need to get out of here and fast. “I’m happy for you, whatever you decide.”
She frowns, looking at you closely. “Are you?”
“Of course.”
“But you were crying.”
You sigh, stepping back and turning away. “It’s been a long day.” You say at a loss for a better excuse. You know it won’t satisfy her. “I should get going anyway.”
“Wait, no.” She protests, reaching out for your arm. You freeze at the touch, and Emily sighs and removes her hand. Her voice lowers to a raspy whisper. “Please. I’m sorry.”
You turn and look back at her, surprised to find her eyes brewing with tears. “I don’t know what you want from me, Emily.” You shrug helplessly.
“I want you to stop looking at me like it physically hurts you to be near me.”
You gulp, blinking away the tears that rush to your eyes.
She steps closer, her hand twitches but she doesn’t reach out. “I want to know if what happened in Las Vegas meant something to you.” She says, voice hoarse with emotion.
“Let’s not do this tonight.” You say, “It’s late and you need to rest.”
“Y/N,” She begs. “I need to know.”
You bite your lip, shaking your head in frustration as your emotions swirl. “No, Emily.” You grit. “We agreed it was a mistake, let’s leave it at that.”
“You said it was a mistake, I never did.”
Your eyes narrow and your lip curls. “Don’t be cruel.”
“I’m not-”
“Yes, you are!” You shout. “So, quit it. Let it go.”
“Can you stop running from this for two seconds and just talk to me!” She yells and clutches her side, pain flickering across her face but you don’t notice.
You laugh, bitter and broken and she takes a step back in surprise. Months of conflicting feelings that you’d kept buried and tried to ignore were bursting out because you were angry. Angry at her for using you as her escape and angry at yourself for being stupid enough to slip.
“You are the one who’s running! You always are.”
“I’m not.” She says seriously, “Not this time.”
“Then why now, Emily?” You snap. “Why now after five months of nothing do you feel the need to talk about it?”
She shakes her head, searching for words she can’t find.
“It’s because he proposed and you’re scared.” You say, voice cruel and broken. “I understand marriage is a big thing, but I won’t be your escape again, I won’t do it. We both know in a week you will accept his proposal because you love him, and if you push this…” You shake your head, tears pooling in your eyes “I’m going to end up breaking the one thing I promised you.”
“What if I don’t want to marry him?” She asks quietly.
It’s a plea for something, and if you were just her friend this is where you’d deflate and soften and be there for her, but it’s too late and you’re too tired and you don’t believe her.
So you shrug, “Then don’t.”
“It’s not that simple.” She defends, shaking her head.
“Yes, it is!” You laugh.
“No, it’s not!” She booms. The frames on the walls rattle, and your eyes widen in surprise. A heavy silence descends on the room as you both stare at each other.
She takes deep breaths, looking at you with helpless eyes that are full of tears. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she finally speaks. “I’m so tired of hurting the people I love.”
You shake your head sadly, eyes softening as you look at her. “Emily…”
“But this time maybe I can fix that.” She says frustratedly “If I could just make him happy then maybe it makes up for everything else.”
You look away as your stomach lurches. “Makes up for sleeping with me.” You murmur.
“No-”
“Did you ever tell him?” You interrupt, meeting her eyes again.
“No.”
It’s what you expected but it still hurts. You force a wobbly smile to your lips. “But what happened wasn’t a mistake, huh?”
She shakes her head, looking to the side instead of at you as she bites her lip. When she meets your eyes again her eyes are full of anguish. “He doesn’t know because I knew if he found out he’d ask me to choose between him and you.”
You nod your head, tears dripping down your cheeks. “And you’d choose him.”
“No.” She laughs, “I’d choose you, and that’s the problem.”
Your mouth falls open as you stare at her in surprise. Emily chuckles brokenly.
“See, I can’t stop, even when I’m trying not to break things I do it anyway. My whole life all I’ve done is hurt people, over and over again. Matthew, You, Spencer, Morgan, JJ, Garcia, Andrew. All of you. It never ends.”
You frown, trying and failing to clear the emotion from your throat as you slowly shake your head. “Emily, no.”
“I just thought with Andrew it would be different. I could prove to myself that I could love someone without hurting them, but I can’t.” She looks away, slapping her lips together. “Maybe I’m not meant to love.”
You step forward, reaching for her hand and tugging her towards you without a second thought. Emily looks at you in surprise.
“You’re wrong.” You say seriously. “Your love is extraordinary. It’s made me bolder, stronger, and better. It’s made me feel safe. Anyone who is a recipient of your love will tell you the same thing, they are so grateful that they are the one you chose to love. Your love isn’t bad Emily, it’s beautiful.”
Heavy tears drip down her cheeks, “You think so?”
“I know so.” You smile, squeezing her hand. With your spare hand, you reach out and wipe away some of her tears. She leans into the touch, holding your gaze. She smiles weakly, the pain fading from her eyes and being replaced by pure love.
It takes your breath away. You recognise the look, it’s the one you’d seen in quick flashes for years, the one you’d been pretending wasn’t what you hoped it was, but seeing it now there was no mistaking it. It wasn’t just affection, it was love. She loved you.
Your heart stutters, and you pull away. Stepping back and allowing your hand to drop from hers.
It’s too much. Too real.
“Y/N?” She questions, brows drawing together in confusion.
“What does all this mean?” You ask sadly, wrapping your arms around yourself.
“I told you my reason for moving to London, right?”
You frown at the abrupt change in conversation but nod your head. “Yeah. You couldn’t grasp onto your old life. You needed a fresh start.”
She blows out a shaky breath and nods, a sad smile gracing her lips. “What I didn’t tell you was for those seven months, when everything felt wrong and I felt like an imposter in my own life...you-” her voice cracks and she quickly blinks away tears. She clears her throat, “You felt like home.”
Tears pool in your eyes as you stare at her.
“You were the only thing that felt right, and it’s what made me realise that I was, am, so very deeply in love with you because nothing has ever made more sense to me than me with you.”
“Emily,” You cry.
“I love Andrew but I’m not in love with him. I wanted to be for all the wrong reasons. To prove things to myself and also because I was too scared of going after what I really wanted. I didn’t want to risk our friendship, but then you kissed me and I thought maybe this was my chance, but you were gone when I woke up.”
“You really don’t regret that night?”
“How could I?”
Your mouth opens and closes as tears trickle down your cheeks. Eventually, you release a noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh. “You love me?”
“So much. I’m going to end things with Andrew. Don’t worry, that doesn’t mean I expect us to be together. I understand-”
You cut her off with a kiss, grabbing her hand and dragging her into your arms. Emily makes a small noise of surprise before melting into you. When you pull back, you’re smiling. “I love you too.”
“But you left.” She responds in confusion, still holding you in her arms.
“I thought you were using me to sabotage your relationship with Mendoza. I thought you were scared of setting down roots with him and lashed out. I thought,” Your voice cracks and you clear your throat, “I thought you’d wake up and start saying it was a mistake and you regretted it and I couldn’t stand to hear that. I didn’t want you to know that that night meant everything to me, and I never regretted it for a moment because I got a night where I could pretend you loved me as much as I love you.”
Emily’s face drops. She cups your cheek, gently caressing it. “It was never about him.”
You chew your lip, looking away before meeting her gaze again. “I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything.”
Your fingers grip at her shirt. “I need you to promise me this isn’t something you’re going to regret in a week, or a month, or a year. You’re not going to wake up one day and realise Mendoza is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’ll ruin me.”
“Y/N, I promise you, you are the person I want to be with. You are the person I’ve always wanted to be with. I love you, and I know this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve damaged your trust in me-” You try to protest but Emily cuts you off, “No, I have. There’s a lot we need to discuss and a lot we need to repair but I’m one hundred per cent in if you are.”
“Mendoza’s going to be mad and the gossip is going to be horrible.”
“I know, but we can handle it.”
You stare at her, biting your lip. “I’m scared.”
She smiles slightly, “Me too.”
“You’re really willing to try?”
“Yes.”
“Then yes. I’m in.”
A wide grin spreads across her mouth. “Yes?”
“Yes.” You laugh.
She kisses you again, deep and hard. Your hands grasp at her sides but quickly snap away when she gasps.
“Shit. Sorry! I forgot.”
“It’s okay.” She assures.
You step away anyway. “You should get some sleep. It’s been an emotional day.”
“Stay.” She pleads, grabbing your hand and rubbing patterns into your palm with her thumb.
“That’s not a good idea.”
“Just sleep, I promise.”
“Emily, “ You sigh. “I want to, I do, but we both know we shouldn’t, not until you’ve had your conversation with Mendoza. He’ll likely turn up in the morning anyway, and this is going to be hard enough on him as it is without me being there.”
“I don’t want you to go.” She complains, pulling you back into your arms. She rests her forehead against yours and takes a deep breath. “Even if I know you’re right.”
“I’ll come back tomorrow.” You whisper, eyes closed as you run a hand through her hair.
“Okay.” She sighs but she doesn’t make a move to step away and neither do you. You both stand holding each other close for a while. The outside world was a distant thought when she was in your arms.
Eventually, you sigh and pull away. “I should get going.”
She leans in and pecks your cheek, squeezing your hand one last time before dropping it and stepping away. “I love you.”
A dopey smile spreads across your lips. “I love you too.”
She follows you out of the study, watching you with a tired smile as you collect your bag and coat.
“Tomorrow.” You promise, turning back to her as she leans against the open door.
“Tomorrow.” She agrees.
You place one last kiss on her cheek and step back, blowing out a breath you make your way down the steps from her house, waving a goodbye. She watches you all the way to your car, and it’s not until you’ve driven out of her sight that she closes the door.
When you wake up the next morning, you erupt into happy laughter. Your heart felt warm and full for the first time in forever. She loved you. She loved you. She loved you. All the heartache was over. You didn’t have to live in a state of wanting but not having anymore, you didn’t have to watch your best friend, the love of your life, marry someone else.
You make yourself breakfast in a dream-like happiness. Dancing around the kitchen and singing loudly to your favourite music. Your eyes drift to your phone every so often, waiting eagerly for the message to tell you to come over. It’s still early though, barely 9 am, and you know you need to wait for her to talk to Mendoza.
The day drifts on, 9 becoming 12 becoming 4 and Emily never messages. You keep your phone on loud so there’s no chance of you missing it and try to ignore your growing unease over the possibility of her changing her mind.
“They’re having a difficult conversation of course it’s going to take time.” You tell yourself as you pace back and forth in your living room. It’s approaching 7 pm and you still haven’t heard anything. You’d spent the whole day deep cleaning your house and running errands to try and distract yourself but there was now nothing left to do but fall into your anxieties.
What if she realised he was the one she wanted? What if she accepts his proposal? She’d just been hurt, she probably was high on adrenaline and not thinking clearly. You should have waited to have the conversation. You’re an idiot. She’s going to change her mind. She’s probably trying to figure out a way to let you down easily. She never loved you like that in the first place. You were in the wrong. You shouldn’t have kissed her again. You being there confused her. She loves him.
The doorbell rings and you freeze. You slowly lower your thumb from your mouth as you stare at the door.
It was probably her.
You blow out a breath, preparing yourself for the worst as you make your way to the door. You open it and find Emily on the other side.
“Hi.” You say cautiously.
“It’s done.” She chokes, tears welling in her eyes. “I ended it.”
You grab her hand and pull her into your arms. She buries her head into your neck, muffling her sniffles as you hold her tightly.
“I’ve got you.” You promise, holding back your own tears.
You both stand like that until her sniffles have died down, she pulls away with an embarrassed smile, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Sorry.” She mumbles.
“Don’t be.” You urge. “Come on, let’s get inside.” You tangle your fingers with hers and drag her inside. You close the door, making sure not to let go of her. She flicks her shoes off and drops her bag to the floor and then you slowly walk her to your bedroom.
She frowns. “Y/N-”
“Ssh.” You order, dragging her with you. You let go of her hand to lie down in the bed and pat the space beside you. “Come.”
She rolls her eyes, smiling, and does as ordered. She snuggles close into your side, resting her head on your shoulder. You gently run your hands through her hair and you both release deep sighs, tensions leaving your body.
“I love you.” She says softly.
“I love you too.”
The two of you lie in silence for a while, wrapped in each other’s arms. No words are needed as you hold each other close. You’re beginning to drift off to sleep, completely at peace, when she finally talks.
“Does this make me a terrible person?” She asks, voice barely above a whisper. Her fingers fiddle with the collar of your shirt. “Being this happy after breaking his heart.”
“It doesn’t make you a terrible person.” You promise, placing a kiss against her forehead. “Was he angry?”
“No. Not really. Upset mostly. He asked me if there was someone else and I told him, yes, you and he didn’t look surprised. He just smiled sadly, as if he expected it. I think that makes it worse.”
“He knew even if you didn’t tell him.”
She blows out a breath, “Yeah.”
“You miss him.”
She stiffens slightly, before sighing and relaxing. “I lost a friend.”
“Give it time. He’s hurting now, but I’m sure he feels the same way. Eventually, you will be able to rebuild that.”
Emily looks up at you, smirking. “When did you get so wise?”
You huff, “I’ll have you know I’ve always been wise.”
She giggles, leaning up and kissing the pout off your lips. “You know you can be kind of adorable.” She grins as she pulls away.
“Yeah?” You smirk, arching an eyebrow.
She hums, and you kiss her again, this time deeper and more passionately.
Your phone beeps signalling a text and she grumbles as you pull away. You roll over and grab it from the nightstand and immediately groan when you see it’s a text from Garcia saying there’s a case.
Emily pouts, “A case?”
“Yeah,” You sigh, sending a quick response to Garcia that you’d be in soon before turning back to Emily with an apologetic smile. “LA.”
“Great.” She huffs and moves to sit up, trying and failing to hide the way she winces at the shift in pressure.
“I’m sorry. Hopefully, it won’t be a long one and I’ll see you when I get back.” You sigh, rising from the bed.
She frowns, “I’m coming in too.”
“What happened to little miss I've changed? You’re injured, you need to heal. If you were meant to be in, Pen would have messaged you too.”
“I’m fine.” She huffs, rolling her eyes. “And I'm the unit chief. I need to be there.”
“Baby, I promise you we can handle one case without you.” You say, thinking nothing of the pet name that falls from your lips as you make your way around the bed to her. “You know JJ’s good at handling the cops and press, and I’ll contact you if we need you.”
“What?” You frown when you realise Emily’s smirking at you.
“Baby?” She questions, brow arching as she pulls you in closer. “I like you calling me that.”
“Good because you’re gonna have to get used to it.” You giggle, lips hovering dangerously close to hers.
“Hmm, I think I can manage that.” She whispers before catching your lips with hers. You fall into the kiss with ease, the rest of the world melting away.
You eventually pull back. “I have to go to work, and you need to rest.”
“If I just don’t go out into the field-“
“Em, rest. Please. Take care of yourself and then when I come home I’ll take care of you.”
She arches a brow, her flirty smirk reappearing. “Promise?”
You roll your eyes and smile. “Promise.”
“We have a deal then.”
You give her one last peck before pulling away. Emily heads to the kitchen while you change into work-appropriate clothing. It’s already late, but Garcia had said to meet on the tarmac meaning the case was likely a bad one.
“Here you go,” Emily says, handing you a thermos full of coffee when you appear from the bedroom.
“And this is why I love you.” You grin, pecking her lips before taking the mug.
“Oh, I see.” She laughs, rolling her eyes.
You collect the rest of your stuff while Emily does the same before you lock up your apartment and head down to your cars.
“Rest up and I’ll see you soon.” You say, swinging her hand in yours.
“You’ll let me know if I’m needed.”
“Of course.”
She gives you one last slow kiss. “I love you.”
You grin and push her away because otherwise there’s no way you’re leaving. “Love you too, now go home and rest.”
“So bossy.” She mocks as she begins to walk in the direction of her car. You watch her for a moment before shaking your head and sliding into your own car.
You wave at her one last time, sending her an air kiss before you drive away.
You’re still grinning like a maniac when you arrive on the tarmac. Reid sees you approaching and his expression morphs into delight. He mumbles something to Alvez before stepping away and meeting you before you can join everyone.
“You’re glowing.”
You shrug, trying to calm your smile. “Am I?”
He watches you, smirking. “Something you want to tell me?”
“Nope, I don’t think so.” You laugh.
He hums, and the two of you begin walking across the tarmac to the jet. “I’m really happy for you.” He says quietly.
The others all begin to make their way in, apart from Alvez who hangs back to wait for Reid.
You look up at Reid and smile. “I’m happy for us.”
He turns to look at his boyfriend and his eyes turn soft. “Yeah,” He sighs. “I’m happy for us too.”