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The hike up to the Cloud Recesses grew more and more laborious each time Wei Wuxian attempted it on his own. Alone with his thoughts, he didn’t have to hide the way his breath hitched and mouth turned drier and drier by the second, struggling to achieve a normal breathing rhythm in the early autumn air.
Only a shichen longer and I’ll get to see your face, Wei Wuxian thought deliriously with a wry laugh, as the sun shone harshly on his face. And then it’ll all be worth it.
This new body of his didn’t have a golden core, as didn’t his last one — a fact well known by all those present at the events of Guanyin Temple. But what most people didn’t stop to consider was that the underlying potential of Mo Xuanyu’s cultivation, coupled up with Wei Wuxian’s previous experience, could very well end up with the formation of a new golden core, pure and unaltered by Wen Zhuliu’s influence.
People didn’t consider this because it was improbable. Wei Wuxian had a hard time these days with basically everything. Or else, if the sect leaders caught a whiff of this possibility he wouldn’t have been let off so easily after Jin GuangYao’s fall. He was still a nuisance to the cultivation world, but he was also believed to be an invalid who would die off again very soon, out of their hair for good.
After all, Mo Xuanyu had been a capable cultivator, although not formally trained, and Wei Wuxian’s current body had been built from his organic matter, and thus had the ability to form a golden core. That was simpler in theory than in actual execution. Mo Xuanyu was also a full adult, his body twenty-five years in age, and had missed the primal age for maximum core development… at least by any regular means available.
Not that it bothered Wei Wuxian immensely, his gratitude for the deceased man overpowered any lingering thoughts of what could have been, had he been brought back in his full power. For without Mo Xuanyu’s sacrifice, he wouldn’t even have this chance of making things right this time around.
It doesn’t matter if I’m a demigod or a beggar, Wei Wuxian decided as he approached the sentry at the gates of Cloud Recesses, and flashed him his jade entrance token, given to him by the Chief Cultivator himself. Not if I have legs to carry me to where you are. For as long as I’m able, Lan Zhan, I’ll drag myself through needles if I have to, if the path is leading to you.
He supposed he still had a few decades of this, if he kept his promise to be careful, to not overexert himself, to ‘not die stupidly where I can’t see you, Wei Ying’. He promised Lan Zhan he would take better care of himself before he left him at the cliff, nearly a year ago, but here he was… starved, practically thinner than he was during the Burial Mounds, with a coldness buried so deep inside him he felt like he would never feel warm again.
Dizzy, he realized. I’m feeling dizzy.
I’ve done my wandering, Lan Zhan. Now I just want to see you.
Somewhere far away, he heard a young voice calling out to him. Surprised at first, “Senior Wei?” and then in desperation. “Senior Wei! NO!”
With the last of his spiritual powers, he had the presence of mind to smile to his little radish, now all grown up and so serious — so much like you, Lan Zhan — before collapsing on the ground with a resounding thud.
*
When he woke up, unsure of how much time had passed, his first awareness was a gentle, featherlight touch directed to his dantian, and another — even impossibly softer — touch to his forehead, before it was suddenly swapped with a hard, wet cloth.
The back and forth of the fabric made him realize someone was trying to aid the symptoms of a well-established fever on his body. I have a fever, he tested.
I have a fever, therefore Shijie is here, he concluded.
He smiled to himself, but then a shiver took hold of his entire torso, jerking him awake. Not Shijie. Not anymore.
Then who?
He slowly blinked his eyes open, his vision fuzzy at first, then he focused on the source of such impossible kindness inflicted upon him. His gaze lazily unraveled a strong brow, a long rounded nose, those beautifully full lips… a face most beloved to Wei Wuxian.
“Hi, Lan Zhan,” he greeted sweetly, voice unexpectedly coarse.
The man stopped his ministrations with the cloth, but kept his hand where it was chastely covering his lower belly with yet unknown intent.
Hovering above him on the bed — Lan Zhan’s bed? — it was easier to read Lan Wangji’s microexpressions. He’s worried. So very worried. I gave him a hell of a scare, what have I done? Lan Zhan, please don’t —
“Hello, Wei Ying.”
Wincing, Wei Wuxian averted his eyes from Lan Wangji’s, not bearing to return that firm gaze any longer. His eyes then followed the trail of the other man’s arm, holding his dantian in a determined grip.
He’s feeding me spiritual energy. That’s why I woke up so soon.
“Ah, Lan Zhan… as you can see, I really cannot help it. I have to make a show-stopping entrance, otherwise how could I ever hope to get the Chief Cultivator’s attention…” Wei Wuxian attempted a joke, which fell flatly to Lan Wangji’s ears.
“Wei Ying,” he warned, completely serious. But then his semblance shifted with something that almost resembled a sigh. “As much as I’d prefer that you would… refrain from making a memorable entrance like that again, I won’t deny that I am still relieved to see you anyway. It’s been too long.”
“Miss me?” He tried to wiggle his eyebrows suggestively, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Mn.”
“Really?” Wei Wuxian’s eyes widened almost comically. He was still not used to this earnest, open version of his zhiji, hardened by age and… well, grief. He had himself to blame for that.
“Of course,” Lan Wangji answered simply. “And you must know… you always have my complete attention. Do not belittle your value in my affections so carelessly, even in jest.”
That really shut Wei Wuxian right up. His heart was suddenly beating too fast in his chest, but he knew not to dwell on those words in the way his heart desperately wanted them to mean. Lan Wangji was his zhiji, and they cared about each other. Deeply.
But not in a romantic way. After all, Lan Wangji never asked him to stay. Although the moves in their everlasting dance around each other have been swiftly changing since his return, they had never led them there.
Not when Lan Wangji first grabbed his hand at Dafan Mountain, ecstatic with his discovery. Not when they were both drunk, all kinds of confessions shooting out of Lan Wangji’s mouth like the most scorching liquor running through his veins. Not when they were alone at night during the search for Nie Mingjue’s body, sleeping together under a starry sky or a cozy inn. Not at the waterfall, not when Wei Wuxian said his goodbyes, foolishly hoping for…
Oh, how he had hoped. But it was never to be.
He knew Lan Wangji loved him. The way he did, though… it would just have to be enough.
“How are you feeling?” Lan Wangji’s words broke him out of his reveries.
“I think the fever’s gone. Really, Lan Zhan, you can stop sharing your spiritual energy now. I feel much stronger, and hungry, too! Like I could eat an entire feast on my own,” Wei Wuxian smiled, trying to sound reassuring. But then he probed quietly, “How long have you been doing that, anyway?”
“Just a little while,” Lan Wangji said. “It’s no bother, I have plenty. You need it more than I do and I am willing. Don’t think much of it.”
“If you say so.”
“Mn,” was the noncommittal noise he got in return. “I’ve arranged dinner. And a bath, for you. There’s a tub on the other side of the curtain and the water is warm. You may begin, as I fetch your plates from the kitchen.”
“Thank you,” Wei Wuxian said, overwhelmed with the sheer weight of Lan Wangji’s ‘full attention’, as the other man had put it.
“No need for thanks between us,” Lan Wangji reminded, as he elegantly left the room.
*
Wei Wuxian was still much weaker than he let on. And a whole lot more tired, as the rest of the night went by. Lan Wangji saw through him right away.
Not only had Lan Wangji fed him, helped him finish bathing, rinsed his hair and clothed him, now he was getting a comb and walking back to where Wei Wuxian was sitting by the table to… brush his hair? All without prompting?
What’s going on? Wei Wuxian thought. Am I really looking like I’m on the verge of death?
And worse: Does he feel somehow obligated to do this?
Was this the result of a misplaced sense of duty toward him, enhanced by a year of absence? Or just the reality of being on the other side of Hanguang-Jun’s unrelenting kindness and overall flawless character? Was this something he would do to just anyone in need?
Or a thousand times worse: Does he know about my feelings and is indulging me to the best of his ability, relinquishing to me the only kind of physical intimacy he’s willing to give us? So I’ll be happy?
Wei Wuxian wouldn’t think it under him. Lan Wangji was the man who took three hundred discipline whips for him, and he would do it again. But there must be a limit to this kind of man, a line he’s not willing to cross.
Until he found out, Wei Wuxian only relaxed further in his arms.
It was wicked, but Wei Wuxian never claimed not to be a wicked man.
After the entire length of his hair was dry, Lan Wangji stopped brushing.
Wei Wuxian had to suppress a small noise of discontentment at having his fingers removed from where they were helping brush the smaller knots near his scalp.
“You have three white hairs,” Lan Wangji said out of the blue.
“What?”
“Two at the front, one at the back.”
“I mean, sure? My body is aging normally, Lan Zhan. Most people my age already have a few specks of white, nothing shocking.”
It was hard to discern Lan Wangji’s expression when he was sitting behind him, but his voice sounded… upset?
Wei Wuxian looked around to face him over his shoulder and what he found was a lot more concerning… he was afraid.
“Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian said in a small voice. They were standing so close together now, he could poke the hard line between his brows, smooth it over with his thumb so Lan Wangji didn’t appear so worried any longer.
He didn’t.
But something in the way Wei Wuxian called his name managed to coax a few of Lan Wangji’s thoughts out of his impenetrable skull.
“Your body is twenty-five. We still have time, Wei Ying. We can speed up the process. You already have the advantage of knowing how it works, you’ve read the ancient texts before. I will meditate with you, help you study. You can spar with the juniors, Sizhui and Jingyi can provide enough challenge.”
“Lan Zhan, what are you saying?”
“Don’t you want it?” Lan Wangji asked sharply.
I want… so much. A golden core doesn’t even make the top 100. But nothing terrified him more than a rambling Lan Wangji. And surely there was a reason behind this outburst, so Wei Wuxian readily complied.
“I do, but,” Wei Wuxian conceded, looking away. “Lan Zhan, it’s impossible.”
“Not impossible. I’ll transfer my qi to you everyday, for as long as you’re here, so it fills you up and eases your way through training. I’m at Nascent Soul stage, it should be enough to trigger your formation eventually.”
“How long are we talking about in here?”
“For as long as you’re willing to let me help you, of course.”
“For as long as I’m wil — Lan Zhan, what about you? When I woke up earlier, you were giving me your spiritual powers. It looked like you were doing it for a very long time. I could feel the steady pump through my meridians like they’ve been forced to work for… hours, Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian could barely admit it, it pained him so much. “Even if it doesn’t take a toll on you, then what about your time?”
“It is of no matter to me how long it takes.”
To illustrate his point, Lan Wangji lifted his finger until it was touching Wei Wuxian’s wrist. In a second, a steady flow of translucid energy started humming between them.
“And, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian continued in a haunted tone, feeling completely deranged, “Even though you were here for hours and hours on end, I still… Lan Zhan, I’m still so weak. You’re so amazing, you’re so good, but it didn’t even… Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Lan Wangji was silent at the sound of Wei Wuxian’s heartbreaking question, like he refused to listen to it. He focused on enhancing that tiny link connecting them, swallowing hard.
Wei Wuxian shook his head, unbelieving. The stubbornness of this man, I swear. How could I possibly not fall in love with you?
“You’re the Chief Cultivator,” Wei Wuxian nearly sobbed.
“And you’re Wei Ying.” The way he said his name, it was like the answer to all of their problems combined in two meager syllabes. “I’m not losing you again.”
Lan Wangji was doing something very dangerous right now: he was giving him hope.
Hope that they were going to find a way out of this, even though it was practically unheard of. He had to be a genius, and Lan Wangji had to be a freaking god. And while he believed in Lan Wangji, the same couldn’t be said for himself.
Hope... that his words meant a lot more in between the lines than they did on the surface.
And most importantly of all… hope that a person like him could not only atone for his sins with the borrowed time he had, but also achieve his own most private and secret happy ending. Because to be able to pursue immortality with Lan Wangji by his side… it was something he didn’t dare think about even in his wildest dreams.
Because once that box was open, anything else in the world would sour in comparison to the thought of him and Lan Wangji, together forever as immortals. Powerful. Ageless. Watching dynasties rise and fall… Eternally devoted to each other only.
But that’s not what Lan Wangji was offering, was he?
He didn’t actually know why Lan Wangji was offering to help him, other than an option to avoid a premature death due to his fragile body being torn apart a little more everyday by cultivating resentful energy without a golden core.
Due to Lan Wangji’s high cultivation level, he would remain young and beautiful at least for a few more decades, but Wei Wuxian didn’t actually know if he was cultivating towards immortality or if that was something of no consequence to him.
Wei Wuxian, on the other hand, now had a normal human lifespan, perhaps even shorter than most either due to his reckless ways or his demonic cultivation.
It felt like, no matter what they did, in this life or the next, their paths were bound to cross, but never to point in the same direction.
“Wei Ying… there might be a way. A quicker way.”
That caught Wei Wuxian’s attention instantly, and he finally looked up again to meet his zhiji’s gaze. There was so much yearning concealed in Lan Wangji’s face that it was hard to hear what he said next.
“Newer studies have shown how some activities can give unparalleled boost to the essence of qi, spreading through the vessel’s meridians like wildfire. If channeled correctly, this might mean I can direct my efforts in a much more efficient way and leave you filled for longer. You’ll be able to train with my borrowed energy and build up your core faster this way.”
“Oh.”
“We’re talking seconds here, a minute at most.”
“Can we try it?”
“Wei Ying. It’s a more… direct approach. Reaches deeper within the body. I would never impose, especially… if it’s something Wei Ying doesn’t feel comfortable doing. With me.”
“Lan Zhan, there is nothing I wouldn’t do with you.”
Lan Wangji looked at him suspiciously like he had grown a second head, so Wei Wuxian laughed. “What is it, do you have to cut my hand with a knife or something?”
“No.” Suddenly, Wei Wuxian was incredibly aware of all the points of contact they shared right now: the finger over his wrist, his back partially leaning to a strong chest, the ghost of a breath on his neck, making the hairs there stand out. “Wei Ying, do you trust me?”
“Always,” Wei Wuxian answered.
Lan Wangji’s lips touched his.
It lasted about two blissful seconds before he pulled back, checking in on Wei Wuxian immediately.
Wei Wuxian didn’t know what he had been expecting, but he adjusted to this new reality fairly quickly. He nodded once, though his head was a mess.
Lan Wangji seemed satisfied with this response, and when he approached his mouth again, he spoke, “For this to work, you’ll need to part your lips a little bit. And stand still.”
This time, when their lips collided, Wei Wuxian felt a surge of electric energy rushing through his body, much stronger than the timid pressure of Lan Wangji’s finger over his wrist.
Almost as if sensing this unfair change in power dynamics and no longer being needed, Lan Wangji’s hand left his wrist and moved to his chin, using both thumb and index finger to coax Wei Wuxian’s chin down and press his lips even more firmly onto his.
Lan Wangji was kissing him. Lan Wangji was kissing him and Wei Wuxian was dying because he was told he couldn’t kiss him back.
He could feel how much Lan Wangji was concentrating, pouring his everything into Wei Wuxian’s accepting body. The wisps of Wei Wuxian’s hair were floating with the sheer might of Lan Wangji’s attempt and the air around them was heavy with spiritual power, making everything around them seem hazy as if being looked through by a veil.
A minute later, Lan Wangji broke the kiss, mouth leaving his with an obscenely wet sound. He didn’t seem exactly unaffected, but then again he had just poured half of his spiritual energy down Wei Wuxian’s throat all at once.
Of course his chest was heaving, his breathing was funny. It has nothing to do with you.
His touch was medical, so prim and proper even while doing this that Wei Wuxian for once envied his aloofness and his talent for distancing himself from social awkwardness. A selfless deed, done out of necessity to save a close friend.
Not like him. Not like him at all.
Wei Wuxian felt good on so many levels he was afraid of uttering a word. He was filled to the brim with spiritual powers, he could probably fly up to the roof right now without breaking a sweat. His lips were deliciously swollen; anyone who saw him right now would know what he had been up to. With whom.
Lan Wangji started speaking and it took him a second to realize what those lips were saying.
“Today was about healing you. Tomorrow we’ll start your training. Okay?”
Wei Wuxian could only nod stupidly again.
He really didn’t know what he was agreeing to. But that seemed like a problem for the Wei Wuxian of tomorrow.
*
When Wei Wuxian woke up the other day, he was alone. Lan Wangji hadn’t slept on the bed with him, in fact he had pretty much disappeared the moment after he checked Wei Wuxian’s vitals, not before materializing a glass of water out of thin air for Wei Wuxian’s tired throat first.
He had relinquished his bed — the Jingshi — for the night, in favor of meditating and regathering his strength at the Cold Springs, so he definitely hadn’t slept at all. Wei Wuxian would solve this tonight by moving his things to the Jingshi’s guest room, so Lan Wangji would get his space back at last.
While Wei Wuxian understood his reasoning, he also thought it was rather silly. Sleeping would really help him regain power a lot easier than meditating while freezing to death.
Wei Wuxian, on the other hand, felt incredible. He had forgotten what it was like to be in the path of the sword, the magnitude of his every move amplified by a thousand.
When he met Lan Sizhui for their first training session, the boy almost didn’t recognize the same man he carried on his back yesterday, hurriedly taking him (but not running) to Hanguang Jun’s care.
He had lunch with the other juniors, pointedly noting his meal was different to what the other disciples had in their plates.
Wei Wuxian tried not to feel guilty by Lan Wangji’s obvious spoiling of him.
During the afternoon, he visited Zewu-Jun in seclusion, who allowed him access to the secret library, so he could study the ancient texts he had never touched before, to heighten his cultivation abilities. What Lan Qiren didn’t know, didn’t hurt him.
He tried meditating there too, in quiet isolation, but all the while he had intense sensorial memories flashing through his head. Lan Zhan’s plump bottom lip enveloping his own, Lan Zhan’s thumb pushing his chin down, Lan Zhan leaving his mouth with a plop, Lan Zhan breathing erratically, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…
He hadn’t seen him all day, but he hadn’t left his mind for a single second.
Burning up like this, ignoring the rejection of a reciprocated kiss was almost easy.
It was Wei Wuxian’s first kiss, and he had barely done anything.
And sure, the angle had been awkward, the pressure all over the place, his face a statue in front of Lan Wangji’s advances, but none of that mattered in the slightest when it hit him again and again that his first kiss would always be Lan Wangji’s.
No one would ever be able to take that from him, and so it was perfect.
Imagining the possibility of receiving another kiss like that tonight left him breathless, wanting. Horribly bereft.
*
Wei Wuxian slipped into the Jingshi at nightfall, to the rustle of pottery and the faint scent of sandalwood from Lan Wangji’s favorite incense.
Lan Wangji had his back to him, sitting down on the table and pouring a second cup of tea to the vacant seat beside him.
“Wei Ying,” he greeted. “Sit.”
Wei Wuxian let out a relieved smile and followed his friend. He talked to him about his day, about his change in vigor, his improvements in controlling his qi while holding Suibian, about a funny anecdote A-Yuan had told him about Wen Ning and the rabbits… he could talk to Lan Wangji about anything, and the man never once chided him about talking while eating.
Oh, Lan Zhan. Just how much did I miss while I was gone. You’re truly a proper gentleman now, befitting of your title.
Lan Wangji let out encouraging noises to let him know he was listening, and occasionally provided him with some monosyllabic responses that never failed to make him chuckle.
“And what about you?” Wei Wuxian turned the conversation eventually. “How was your day?”
“Papers,” Lan Wangji answered, scrunching up his nose adorably. “A meeting with the Yao sect. Boring.”
Wei Wuxian hummed in agreement, serving him a vegetable from his bowl he didn’t want anymore. They spent a few more minutes in silence, finishing up their meals.
A while later, Lan Wangji inquired, “Where are your things?”
Wei Wuxian stared at him with confusion. “Huh?”
“Your bag. Have you... decided to leave again so soon after all?”
“No, no, nothing like that! I… I still don’t know when I’m going this time. I just moved them to your guest room for the time being. You know, to give you your space back. I know you didn’t sleep last night because of me.”
“Nonsense,” Lan Wangji said. “I chose to meditate.”
“Either way, you’ll get your bed back tonight! I’ll be out of your hair after dinner and you’ll get to sleep at nine o’clock like you know you love to,” Wei Wuxian smiled.
Lan Wangji had a complicated expression on his face.
“I was actually hoping we could play together tonight,” he said, gravely. “Wouldn’t you like to?”
Wei Wuxian answered without hesitation. “Yes.”
It took them a few minutes to summon a servant to clean out their plates and to get their instruments ready. This time, when Wei Wuxian played his dizi, they were sitting directly across from each other, not half a room away. Lan Wangji took the lead, starting the first few notes with his guqin and Wei Wuxian could only follow in quiet delight.
And what song but that song, the one Lan Wangji still hadn’t told him the name of. He promised he would when they saw each other again, and this was it, but still he hadn’t… Maybe he had just forgotten. Wei Wuxian knew he was busy and that was such a small thing for him to keep track of.
Before Wei Wuxian left again, he would remind him to tell him about it.
Once the final notes were still hanging in the air, Lan Wangji surprised him when he started the same song again, this time playing it with a few different flourishes that told Wei Wuxian he was happy they were both here, doing this.
Wei Wuxian laughed as he shook his head, but answered his duet with a few different changes of his own, making the song a little less mellow and a bit more assertive especially in the way the final chorus went. When he played it, late at night after a successful night hunt, he couldn’t help but notice how he always lingered too heavily on the final chords, as if he never wanted that music to end. It made him sad afterwards, so tonight he made sure he played it for Lan Wangji a little more cheerfully.
After an hour of silent companionship, their instruments and the language of music speaking for themselves, they decided to finally retreat for the night.
Lan Wangji walked him to his room, and Wei Wuxian stopped before opening the door, turning to face him expectantly.
Wei Wuxian didn’t know what the protocol was, what set of rules they had set for themselves regarding this act, but yesterday they did mention this was going to be a daily thing? Or had Lan Wangji realized the frequency was a bit too high since Wei Wuxian was feeling more than fine today?
In the end, it was Lan Wangji who voiced his concerns first.
“Are you still amenable with continuing our… arrangement?”
“Aiya, Lan Zhan, what a thing to ask. My understanding was that this was gonna be an everyday thing. But if you changed your mind, then of course…”
“I haven’t,” Lan Wangji was quick to answer. “Changed my mind, that is.”
“Then of course we can continue. How… how do you want me? For this? Standing up is fine?”
“You’re fine,” Lan Wangji swallowed audibly. “If you don’t mind, I’ll just—”
You see, the thing was, Lan Wangji never started a phrase he didn’t mean to finish. That told Wei Wuxian everything he needed to know about this: he was nervous.
Not wanting to make things worse for him, Wei Wuxian just nodded a few times, earnestly, and closed his eyes, slightly parting his lips… then thinking a bit further and deciding to coat his lips with a bit of saliva, running his tongue over once, to make the glide easier for Lan Wangji.
If they were both nervous, then it was best they didn’t see each other.
Wei Wuxian made sure to make his head as still as possible, then waited patiently for Lan Wangji’s approach.
When Lan Wangji kissed him this time, he knew what to expect. The flow of spiritual energy was immediate, flooding its way through Wei Wuxian’s body with unbearable warmth and light. He wondered if they were gleaming gold as they did it, just like the sparks of light dancing around them—
Lan Wangji pulled back.
Wei Wuxian opened his eyes in complete bewilderment.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji said his name in a devastating tone. “If you truly hate this, doing this, then you don’t need to force yourself. I understand.”
“What?” Wei Wuxian might have shouted. “Hate this? Why would you think I hate this?”
“You’re as still as a statue. You look as if you’re resigned, incapable of denying my advances, and I don’t wish this to be a painful experience for you.”
Wei Wuxian stared at him quizzically like he had started to speak in a foreign language. “But you were the one who told me not to move!”
Lan Wangji said nothing, processing this like it was a brand new piece of information.
Wei Wuxian soldiered on, “Yesterday, you said, ‘stand still’ , and I—”
“Because I didn’t want to scare you. I was invading your personal space. It was something we’d never done before and if I overwhelmed you then, you wouldn’t allow me to help you.”
“So you didn’t mean for me not to respond to your… advances?”
“No.”
Wei Wuxian’s mouth stood agape, like his world had turned upside down from the inside out.
“Wei Ying… if you wish for this to be a pleasurable thing for you, then it can be,” Lan Wangji said with an intensity that matched his serious gaze.
“So I really can move?” Wei Wuxian was still stuck on that. “I can— I can kiss you back?”
It was the first time either of them called this for what it was, and that seemed to put Lang Wangji at ease after appearing so let down when he pulled back from the kiss earlier.
“Of course. As long as you don’t break the link, it should be fine.”
“Should we try it again?”
Lan Wangji nodded, the left corner of his mouth turning slightly upwards. This time, just as their lips met, Lan Wangji brought his hand up to hold Wei Wuxian’s jaw and tilt his head somewhat sideways, so his angle was much more precise as he pressed their lips together.
This was… much better. Much improved.
Wei Wuxian was like a child who’d been locked up in a warehouse with infinite amounts of candy. He didn’t really know exactly what to do, just that he wanted it, a lot, so he tried to match Lan Wangji’s movements as enthusiastically as he could.
The surge of spiritual power flowing through him was an afterthought, when an intrusive thought suddenly took hold of his brain. I’m taking advantage. I’m taking advantage of him.
I’ve never been a good man anyway.
He covered Lan Wangji’s hand over his jaw to press his own lips more firmly onto his zhiji’s and take control of the kiss. The action made Lan Wangji falter, and his weight tumbled forward, pressing Wei Wuxian against the door.
Wei Wuxian kissed him through it, loving the feeling of being trapped under the solid weight of the man he couldn’t help but desire so indecently, until a small voice in his head who sounded so much like Shijie told him to stop.
Wei Wuxian slowed it down, as he removed his hand from over Lan Wangji’s and transferred it to his friend’s waist, in a way so as to ground his feet so he could stand straight once again. To ground himself, so as not to forget himself.
This man is your best friend and you’re nothing without him, so you will not fuck this up, Wei Wuxian.
But there was no ground for them to stand on.
They were standing a few inches up in the air, floating lightly while brimming with power.
Both of them were startled by this and they broke the kiss abruptly, falling to their feet at once and knocking their heads together.
For a terrifying second there was only silence, but the situation was so absurd that Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but to start laughing hysterically, now with both his hands wrapped around Lan Wangji’s waist in a secure hug. He laughed and laughed over the man’s shoulder, until he felt a strange rumbling coming from Lan Wangji’s stomach and suddenly they both broke into laughter together, all while still holding each other.
Wei Wuxian had never seen Lan Wangji laugh so openly before, so maybe what he did hadn’t been so unforgivable after all.
“As I said,” Lan Wangji finally said, his voice wrecked in a way Wei Wuxian never heard before, “You don’t have to start all over when you have me. Use me, Wei Ying.”
This was the worst possible moment in the world for Lan Wangji to decide to be cheeky. But Lan Wangji’s dry humor was one of the reasons he fell in love with him, so he could only laugh again and nod in amusement.
“Hanguang-Jun is too great. The Yiling Patriarch accepts his defeat.”
Looking at Lan Wangji’s face right now was also a mistake. His lips were ruined, red and thoroughly kissed, curled up in a private smile just for him. Wei Wuxian’s heart twitched.
But there was a bigger problem at hand. Somewhere during their make out session, Wei Wuxian’s cock had gotten half hard. Needing to be six feet apart from Lan Wangji right now, Wei Wuxian did the best he could to disentangle himself from his person as graciously as he could without drawing attention to the hard line tenting over his robes.
“Everyday, you say?” He joked, but still needing the reassurance.
“Everyday. For as long as you’re here with me.”
That sounded like a sound enough promise. “Okay. Okay, Lan Zhan. I just have… one suggestion to make.”
Lan Wangji raised his eyebrow.
“We do it in the mornings from now on. So I—”
— have a lower chance of jumping you and taking you to bed.
“—can train with your qi fresh in my body and therefore maximize the chances of making this work.”
Lan Wangji couldn’t see a flaw in his reasoning and readily agreed.
Wei Wuxian went to bed that night feeling entirely too guilty and refused to touch himself, waning his erection down by thinking of Lan Qiren in a single red layer, a peony in his hair.
*
After that, they started each morning with a kissing session, before they were both ready to start their day.
Lan Wangji would wake up at five like he usually did, spend an hour meditating, then another hour reading and answering his first pile of pressing letters from the day before. By then it was around seven, and he would have breakfast brought up to the Jingshi, when he would wake a sleep-addled Wei Wuxian so they could eat together.
After that, they’d spend a minute ‘charging’, as Wei Wuxian started to refer to it in his head, even if calling it a ‘exchange of power’ was a generous enough idea when he was the only one being benefited from it.
Lan Wangji then would leave for his meetings and his other duties as both Chief Cultivator and acting sect leader.
Wei Wuxian would go to the training grounds, to the library, even occasionally was asked to give short lessons to the newest generation of little Lans on the confection of talismans and other useful gadgets for cultivators.
At night, they would meet up at the Jingshi and talk about everything and nothing — Wei Wuxian did most of the talking, but Lan Wangji had insightful observations here and there that told Wei Wuxian he was always paying attention.
One night, Lan Wangji talked about Zewu-Jun’s self-inflicted seclusion, how Lan Wangji was worried for his brother... how much of himself he saw reflected in what he was going through. Wei Wuxian let him talk. It was the most words he had listened coming from Lan Wangji’s lips, but he encouraged him through it, and by the end of it they realized they shared the same feeling that the seclusion would be coming to an end soon.
Wei Wuxian often worried about how much was on Lan Wangji’s shoulders right now, but he tried to help him as best as he could, giving him lightness at the end of the day, teasing him to show him he was still human, serving him tea and offering to play with him every night to unwind together.
It was a routine, and it tugged on Wei Wuxian’s heartstrings how he came to depend on it.
How can you ever leave this behind?, he often asked himself when he contemplated a near future where he left the Cloud Recesses, back to the same aimless wandering he had been doing for eleven months before he collapsed on that first night in Lan Sizhui’s arms.
Two of his favorite people lived on the Cloud Recesses, so he couldn’t possibly leave it for long. Would Lan Wangji still want to do this with him, after he left and came back god knows how many months later?
‘For as long as you’re here with me,’ he said.
That didn’t sound like a precise expiration date. How long would this go on for? At this rate, it would take a few more years for him to develop his golden core, a couple if they really kept this up everyday, but would Lan Wangji help him this far into the future?
A while from now, his formation would be steady enough for a golden core to become an expected result. Perhaps he could let Lan Wangji go then.
Because what if Lan Wangji fell in love with someone? He wouldn’t want to be stuck in an arrangement in which he had to share his spiritual energy with someone else, much less kiss them on the regular.
Lan Wangji might be expected to marry to fulfill his duties to the Lan clan, even without being in love with someone, which would also be a nuisance and Wei Wuxian wouldn’t want to be around for that.
So he repressed those thoughts as best as he could and tried to only concentrate on the feel of Lan Wangji’s lips, sweeter than they had any right to be, and cherish every kiss they shared as the miracle they were.
One particular morning, he woke up before the sun was up with a hand running up and down his arm in a gentle caress, still abruptly bringing him into consciousness with a startle.
“Lan Zhan?” He mumbled, completely disoriented. Lan Wangji was sitting on his bed close to where his head was standing on the pillow. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve been summoned to Cayi Town and have to leave shortly. There’s an emergency there, but nothing that shouldn’t be solved until evening time. I’ll be back then.”
Wei Wuxian sleepily sat up on the bed as Lan Wangji explained what was going on. “Okay,” he said, then proceeded to cup his head with both hands and kiss him goodbye, to speed up the process.
It was long after Lan Wangji was gone that Wei Wuxian realized with a groan that his hands held the sides of his forehead ribbon, but Lan Wangji was too polite to tell him off so early in the morning.
Another day, Lan Wangji kissed him and Wei Wuxian felt nothing change. Lan Wangji had such a busy day ahead he’d forgotten to channelize his qi into the kiss. His ears had turned so red afterwards Wei Wuxian had to assure him it was an honest mistake, and even kissed him again for a few more seconds to show him he welcomed his touch, even without the pretense of exchanging spiritual powers.
That’s what he intended with his kiss, anyway. Lan Wangji only thought he was teasing him, but they both ended up chuckling a bit in the end.
Perhaps they were getting a bit too comfortable with this.
And although morning encounters were less conductive to improper behavior, they had the slight disadvantage of being less hidden by the elements.
They had been found once by a flustered Lan Sizhui, who had burst into the Jingshi at eight in the morning, a perfectly acceptable time for a Lan, with an important request for his Hanguang-Jun.
But surprisingly, Lan Wangji didn’t pull back immediately with shame, instead he finished his business with Wei Wuxian before turning to attend to his ward. The boy never mentioned it ever again, bless his soul, but there was a knowing look in his eyes every time he watched the two interact in public after that.
Wei Wuxian didn’t know why Lan Wangji acted so nonchalant about being discovered while being intimate with him.
He had a theory: Lan Wangji had the thickest face because he knew in his heart the act was dutiful, nothing more. If he’s performing his duty, then there was no need to be ashamed.
Now, Wei Wuxian himself had mixed feelings about people finding them in that position: shame, yes, but also selfish, unadulterated joy. A possessive streak took over him everytime he thought about letting people see what they did in private, what only he got to do with Hanguang-Jun...
But the worst timing had in fact happened earlier today. The morning had already started differently when Wei Wuxian woke up naturally by himself at nine in the morning, and Lan Wangji was nowhere in sight.
He looked for him everywhere in the house, but it was only when he gave up and went back into his bedroom to get dressed that he found a note laying on the floor. It landed right next to the bed, which probably meant Wei Wuxian moved too energetically in his sleep and knocked the paper down.
It read,
Come find me when you wake up.
I’m in my office.
Yours,
Lan Zhan
Wei Wuxian had to restrain himself from running to Lan Wangji’s office and making a fool of himself with his eagerness. He controlled this impulse by first tracing the beloved words with his fingers and straightening the paper, saving the note somewhere safe among his things next to the other letters Lan Wangji had ever sent him.
He got dressed, forgoing breakfast completely, and went to find Lan Wangji in his office.
In not a single moment had Wei Wuxian considered Lan Wangji might have company, and so he slammed the doors open with a brilliant smile, a teasing quip ready to fall from his lips.
Five heads turned around to watch the invader.
Wei Wuxian’s smile disappeared immediately.
Lan Wangji was sitting in the middle of the room, and with him were four other austere men, Cloud Recesses’ accountants by the looks of it, in the middle of an important meeting about sect finances.
Lan Wangji took one assessing look at him, turned to his staff and said, “Meeting adjourned.”
What?
“We meet again in twenty,” he finished, and that was all the warning the men had to basically scram and leave the Chief Cultivator alone as fast as humanly possible.
The four men walked past Wei Wuxian in a perfect formation, leaving him astonished. Wei Wuxian was frozen in place, until Lan Wangji spoke.
“Good morning, Wei Ying.”
It was like a dam broke and suddenly Wei Wuxian couldn’t stop speaking, “Lan Zhan, now, that was really unnecessary, you really didn’t have to stop working on my account, I would be fine until lunchtime, you should have just told me to go away and I would—”
“Ridiculous,” Lan Wangji berated. Then, in a softer tone, he added, “Come here.”
Wei Wuxian obeyed without blinking, crossing the room to kneel next to Lan Wangji’s seat, so they could stand at eye-level to each other.
These were strange surroundings indeed, light pouring through every window and the incessant buzzle of people working in other rooms. Were they really going to do it here?
“Did you sleep well?” Lan Wangji asked, like the answer really mattered to him.
Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but give him his most radiant smile, suddenly feeling at ease. “You know I always do these days. I was actually thinking of going to visit the rabbits today and drawing you a new picture for your collection! Wouldn’t you like that, Lan Zhan? A-Yuan told me he wanted some art lessons, but you know how the boy is already so talented…”
Wei Wuxian ran his mouth for a little while, Lan Wangji indulging him with a corner of a smile and a completely relaxed expression, which only made Wei Wuxian want to keep talking to him, but—
“Oh, I’ve already kept you for too long. It’s almost time for them to get back.”
Wei Wuxian gingerly tilted his spine forward, touching Lan Wangi’s shoulder with his hand in a silent question. “Mn,” Lan Wangji said, and it was all the permission Wei Wuxian needed to crush their lips together in a kiss.
Feeling a bit unbalanced, he brought his hands to Lan Wangji’s face for leverage and deepened the kiss even further. They were both good at this now, and though Wei Wuxian always made sure to pour all his love and gratitude into his movements, it was hard to know Lan Wan noticed these intentions, focused as he was into coaxing as much of his qi into Wei Wuxian as he could in a short window of time.
Their positions were askew, with Wei Wuxian kneeling sideways and Lan Wangji sitting forward, so Lan Wangji guided Wei Wuxian by the waist more comfortably into his lap, so he was still kneeling but with either leg standing in between Lan Wangji’s body. Wei Wuxian was taller than him now and Lan Wangji had to arch upwards to meet his lips, and that was so hot Wei Wuxian’s legs gave up and he ended up sitting at the Chief Cultivator’s lap right in the middle of his office.
It would be the most perfect moment of Wei Wuxian’s two lives, if not for the sound of Lan Wangji’s private door opening right behind them, revealing a non-suspecting Lan Xichen, freshly out of seclusion, saying, “Brother, I have come to inform you that— Ah.”
Wei Wuxian was the first to see him, standing directly in view of Lan Xichen’s shocked reaction to find them like this in broad daylight, what with him sitting on his brother’s lap, one hand tangled in his hair and the other cupping his jaw in a fervent kiss.
Wei Wuxian retreated his hands in a flash, breaking the kiss with the most humiliating sound he had ever heard, and he would have retreated from Lan Wangji’s lap as well, had the man not released his grip from his waist.
“Zewu-Jun!” Wei Wuxian yelled, “It’s so good to see you!”
Lan Xichen schooled his features into a normal expression, but his voice was abashed when he said, “Wangji. Master Wei. I’m sorry to interrupt. I only came to inform you that, after long reflection in the past few months, I have decided my seclusion period is over and that I shall be returning to my duties as sect leader tomorrow.”
“That’s wonderful news, Zewu-Jun!” Why was Wei Wuxian shouting? “I’m sure Lan Zhan is delighted to hear this! You know what, I was already actually leaving, so if you don’t mind…”
Wei Wuxian disentangled himself from Lan Wangji’s lap, looking entirely too calm for his own good. He even looked… smug? The expression was so horrifying Wei Wuxian ended up pressing a peck to Lan Wangi’s cheek just so he could look away, while saying dementedly, “And you, you have a good meeting! I’ll see you later!”
Wei Wuxian stormed out of the room, but was still in time to hear Lan Xichen’s quiet words to his brother, “Congratulations, Wangji.” Then, in a teasing manner, “The way I see it, you truly need all the help you can get.”
*
Wei Wuxian spent the remainder of the day with a face so red he preferred people suspected he was suffering a heatstroke. In late autumn. He was also breathless and flighty, unable to keep a normal conversation with anyone for longer than twenty seconds.
It wasn’t fair. The one time he counted the most on his shameless reputation to save him and he had the thinnest face of a blushing maiden in front of Lan Xichen, which only made the situation worse.
He should've been more like Lan Wangji. Now there’s a thought… Lan Wangji, thickest face of all of China. Who would have bet their money on it?
But wait, Wei Wuxian’s mind supplied. Why should he feel ashamed?
That’s just… something we do, isn’t it?
Or rather, something he does for me. For health reasons. Because Lan Zhan is a good friend and wants to see me well. As best as he knows how.
And the manner in which he heals me, the nature of that care… that’s nobody’s business but our own.
And if Wei Wuxian enjoyed it a bit more than he was probably allowed… well, then it was nobody’s business but his own.
He felt horrible, deceiving Lan Wangji this way.
Taking up his space, his time, his qi, his kisses. Sacred things that Lan Wangji deserved to be saving for his beloved, his cultivation partner, no matter if that was still a far away thing.
Because they would come. Wei Wuxian knew it was inevitable, wondered how devastating the inescapability of Lan Wangji’s love would feel like. When he found that someone, channeled all of that fierce devotion into his conquest… how could anyone possibly say no?
Wei Wuxian’s back hit a column and he winced, but nonetheless he stayed there, welcoming the pain. The library was the quietest place he could think of to spend his afternoon, and he wasted his time not reading a single book, his mind spiraling.
I should go, he thought. I don’t know when, but soon. Before it gets too complicated for us. Before I fuck up and lose him for good.
The voice of another human being caught him completely unprepared.
“Master Wei?”
It was Lan Xichen.
Great. How low you’ve fallen, Zewu-Jun, to end up first in the list of People I Definitely Don’t Want To See Right Now.
“Hello, Zewu-Jun,” he somehow managed. “I… I would like to apologize for earlier. You weren’t supposed to see that. If I told you it wasn’t what it looked like, would you believe me?” Wei Wuxian said with a dry laugh. “I mean, me and Lan Zhan? You should check us for ghostly possession before that ever happened.”
A sharp edge flashed for a second behind Lan Xichen’s eyes, but very much like his brother, his face was impossible to read when you didn’t know what to look for.
“You don’t need to apologize, Master Wei. I understand you and Wangji have… an arrangement. He confessed to me after you left.”
“He did?” Wei Wuxian blinked.
“I must say… at first, when I saw you two, I was very happy. I thought you had found solace in each other at last, after all the tragedy you’d gone through. As you well know, I too know what it’s like to lose a zhiji. Even two of them. But even for me, it’s nearly impossible to fathom the depths of your relationship, how much you’re willing to sacrifice for one another.”
Wei Wuxian nodded sadly when Lan Xichen mentioned losing his zhijis. It seemed like that was the Lan curse… being fated to lose the people they cared most about. It had already befallen the Two Jades, their mother and father. Wei Wuxian prayed for Lan Sizhui’s future harder whenever he thought about it.
“You see, Master Wei, I was happy for you, but then my brother assured me I was mistaken in this regard. He said to me your feelings weren’t the same and that you were both well aware of it.”
Not the same. Our feelings are not the same.
Lan Xichen was probably waiting for a response, for Wei Wuxian to defend himself, either confirm or deny this truth, anything.
But Wei Wuxian was frozen.
Lan Wangji knew. All this time, he knew. He indulged him, which made Wei Wuxian want to scream.
“Forgive me the bluntness, Master Wei, but it’s my brother’s happiness at stake here, my closest of kin, so I must make sure. Being in such close proximity with him, knowing the person he is, how intensely he feels, I need to ask… do you truly think you have his best intentions in mind?”
Lan Xichen’s words weren’t unkind, asking him a genuine question, but Wei Wuxian took each one as a blow to his stomach.
No… I do not.
‘Knowing the person he is’, indeed, and Wei Wuxian was well-aware he’d been taking advantage of his kindness. His integrity. His self-sacrificing heart. His utter inability to say no to him, ever since he was brought back to life.
Because of course Lan Wangji would be so perfect as to do something like this entirely for Wei Wuxian’s benefit.
Hanguang-Jun, the paragon of virtue, would stop at nothing to protect him. And Wei Wuxian couldn’t ask that of him any longer. Wouldn’t watch as his friend ripped himself open and presented him with the pieces.
Lan Wangji needed stability. He needed his routine back, so he could focus on his work… and Wei Wuxian was a distraction. He never knew how much parting with his qi so recklessly affected Lan Wangji’s cultivation. He robbed him of so many things, and it was time to face the consequences and take responsibility for his actions.
Lan Zhan, it has been a dream.
I’ll be a better man and let you go now.
“Please do not worry yourself, Zewu-Jun. I will make things right very soon.”
He would remove himself out of the equation.
*
When Wei Wuxian announced he was leaving to help Jin Ling with sect management related business, Lan Wangji’s posture turned very still.
“You’ve been summoned?” he inquired, distantly.
“Yes,” Wei Wuxian lied.
Wei Wuxian knew it was too late for pleasantries anymore. Lan Wangji had caught him red handed trying to smuggle his bag out of the Jingshi before he could see it. It was early evening, about the time they would ask for dinner, but as Lan Wangji arrived in his home, he found a fully-dressed Wei Wuxian already waiting for him with all his belongings packed.
“Will you return?” Lan Wangji asked, voice betraying nothing.
Wei Wuxian tried not to wince and give himself away, but his silence already told Lan Wangji everything he needed to know.
“We’ve been very close to the next milestone in your core formation,” Lan Wangji observed, but something in his voice sounded almost like a plea.
“Aiya, Lan Zhan, you’ve been too good to me. This Wei Ying can take care of the next part on his own, okay?” Wei Wuxian cooed softly, trying to placate him. “You’ve been wonderful. So, so amazing. I’ll definitely get my golden core back in no time. All thanks to Lan Zhan.”
“Then, this Wei Ying should know his Lan Zhan wouldn’t want him to walk the single-plank bridge alone anymore.”
“He does,” Wei Wuxian smiled sadly. “I do.”
“Then why do you insist on pushing me away?” Lan Wangji pried even further, his hand clenching into a tight ball. “Is it something I’ve done? Have I... made you uncomfortable?
“No, no, no! Lan Zhan, you’re perfect. It’s just…” Wei Wuxian gulped, then murmured, “I think this will be good for us. Things have gotten a little confusing, haven’t they? This thing that we don’t talk about because it might ruin us… ruin what we have. Lan Zhan, I don’t want that.”
Lan Wangji walked two steps in his direction, shaking his head insistently, “I won’t let it ruin us. I won’t. Tell me what I can do differently, Wei Ying, and you’ll have it.”
“What? And then you’ll be unhappy, Lan Zhan! I can’t do that to you. You offer and I just take and take and take… Where will it end?”
“Wei Ying could never make me unhappy.”
“I already have!” Wei Wuxian cried. “Look at you. Look at what I turned you into. Please don’t lie to me, because Zewu-Jun opened my eyes. He could never be needlessly cruel to me, but I know, Lan Zhan… I know… I’m a parasite. And you… don’t deserve to feel this way. On my behalf.”
“My brother spoke to you? What did he…”
“He told me enough.”
It was like Lan Wangji’s nervous energy dissipated in a single breath.
“I see,” he said, coldness seeping into his stare. “And so, you’ve decided to leave.”
Wei Wuxian nodded sharply. He felt horrible, but he still tried to reason, “Things can’t go on this way. When I’m back, whenever that will be, I promise you things will be like they were before. I’ll try my hardest…” then, in a single whisper, “will you do the same?”
Will we be okay?
Lan Wangji all but crumbled then, hurrying to catch Wei Wuxian in the circle of his arms. Wei Wuxian hadn’t realized he started crying. Lan Wangji’s hand had landed on his hip, the other gathered tears falling on his cheek and cleaned them with his thumb.
“Wei Ying, I promise you. I’m sorry I failed you yet again,” Lan Wangji said, his voice filled with such heavy emotion Wei Wuxian’s tears only fell harder and he let out a sob.
“Never failed me. Saved me. Over and over again, you hear?” Wei Wuxian’s hands trailed up his waist, his neck, ending up cupping both sides of his face in an unrelenting grip. With everything he couldn’t say, he pressed the most delicate kiss to his temple, just under his silk and metal filigree. Close… but not touching. “I’m so grateful. I truly have the most devoted friend.”
Lan Wangji’s arms tightened around his waist when Wei Wuxian started to let go.
“Will you at least let me… one final time?” Lan Wangji said to his ear. “Who knows if you’ll be able to train at the level you are right now, and I want to make sure…”
“Of course, Lan Zhan. Of course you can. I’m not gone yet, am I?”
Lan Wangji’s lips descended upon his, hungry and demanding. He circulated his qi like an art form, as though he could make a single system of meridians out of the two of them, flowing freely between them from head to toe.
Wei Wuxian was amazed to discover how little difference he felt to the hot press of their mouths, now that they were both on the same terms. Lan Wangji had offered to indulge him for the last time, so Wei Wuxian was going to make the most of it. As soon as tomorrow, he wouldn’t have this anymore, so when Lan Wangji pressed him to the wall, Wei Wuxian whined, his twitching cock ignored between his legs, and slipped his tongue inside Lan Wangji’s mouth for the first time.
Lan Wangji all but groaned, responding immediately with a caress from his own tongue, and so their kisses turned heated in a way even the deepest ones they shared had never done before. Wei Wuxian’s hands went to his hair, pulling him closer with it, until they were panting in need for breath.
They were flushed, hazy eyed, Lan Wangji’s hair ornament was hopelessly crooked, but as Lan Wangji started to move away, Wei Wuxian surged back in.
“More,” he asked, deliriously, to the skin next to his cheek, and Lan Wangji complied.
His desperate mouth moved even more sloppily this time, leaving a trail of saliva on his wake. Wei Wuxian could feel the taste of it, along with the salt of their tears on his tongue. He pushed their bodies even closer together, “Just a little more.”
The powerful sparks dancing around them and the feeling of fullness all over made him dizzy with want, Lan Wangji upping his game and coaxing even more energy into Wei Wuxian’s body. “Take everything I have. It’s yours.”
Wei Wuxian moaned, his mind impossibly blurred with desire, as they kissed and kissed for what seemed like eternity until he thought he could burst from all the power making its home inside him.
Lan Zhan stopped meeting his every move, both of them exhausted to follow any particular rhythm, but Wei Wuxian held his face securely and guided him to where he needed him the most, applying pressure and closeness where the other man was starting to go slack.
Wei Wuxian tilted his head back, unable to keep the unending stream of qi up any longer, and started to lay kisses on Lan Wangji’s neck, on the hollow of his throat, the underside of his jaw, “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…”
Lan Wangji, depleted of all energy, collapsed on his shoulder.
Wei Wuxian watched with horror as his beloved passed out in front of him, holding him up uselessly in his arms.
“Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan, my love… What have I done?” Wei Wuxian whispered to the shell of the man who was prepared to give his all so Wei Wuxian wasn’t left with nothing.
Lan Xichen was right.
It would be better for Lan Wangji if Wei Wuxian simply disappeared.
*
As much as Wei Wuxian wanted to run away and flee the Cloud Recesses without looking back, he simply couldn’t leave Lan Wangji in that state without making sure he would wake up in the next morning in a better position.
He took him to bed, removing his shoes and his hair ornament, not daring to touch him in any dangerous places. He called for a distraught Sizhui, who didn’t ask many questions but assured him he would check up on Hanguang-Jun in the next few hours and feed him qi in case his sleep was too troubled. He also left him a message for when he woke up:
My Lan Zhan,
I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.
I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to pay you back for everything you’ve done for me, but I promise you things will be different when I see you again.
For now, please rest and keep your energy, okay? Knowing you’re safe will make my journey lighter.
Your Wei Ying has an unruly heart, but I vow that for you it shall be tamed.
*
It never got any easier, saying goodbye to Lan Wangji. A part of his thought his wandering days were over, but now he had set out again without a home to come back to.
Too destroyed to consider the magnitude of his loss, Wei Wuxian walked day and night with Lil Apple on tow, blocking every thought of Lan Wangji’s lips, his laughter, the way he said his name as they kissed and how, in a display of devastating bargaining, he had called himself his.
It was only on the third day, on the road to Lanling, that Wei Wuxian stopped to consider Lan Wangji’s actions that fateful day.
It had started out so sweetly… They kissed in the Chief Cultivator’s office, so playful and without inhibitions… They were happy then, weren’t they?
And Lan Wangji had looked so happy when he entered the Jingshi at dinnertime, before realizing Wei Wuxian had decided to choose that night to make his grand escape.
How they kissed later, so full of intent, of longing and whatever the hell it was that flavored their torrid, absurd affair.
Wei Wuxian stopped on his tracks.
When did it stop being about Wei Wuxian’s golden core and started to become something else? Exchanging pleasure, instead of power? The change was gradual, but unmistakable.
They really just enjoyed kissing each other, that much was clear. Every encounter turned into lifelong fodder for Wei Wuxian’s sleepless nights, alone with his hand, still unable to find real satisfaction on his own.
But why do you do it, Lan Zhan? Does it just feel good, being intimate with someone like that? I know it does, but is that the reason why?
Are you lonely? Is it convenient?
Or could it be…
Wei Wuxian’s attention turned to the two voices that called him incessantly from a distance. No one knew him in this town, not that he was aware of, so who could possibly be calling the Yiling Patriarch on the top of their lungs?
“Master Wei! Master Wei!”
It was Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi, desperately waving their way in his direction.
Wei Wuxian didn’t understand what was going on, but he smiled at the sight of them.
“What brings the two of you here?” He asked.
Both of them stared at each other for a moment, like they were ushering the other to speak. In the end, it was Lan Sizhui who blurted out: “You left the Cloud Recesses in such a hurry the other day. Hanguang-Jun told me you were heading to the Jin Sect, to meet Jing Ling, so… he allowed us to follow you.”
Something definitely sounded fishy here, but Wei Wuxian didn’t know the boy enough (and whose fault is that) to make any predicaments.
Instead, he smiled even broader, gesturing to the establishment on the other side of the street. “Then come, let us eat and catch up.”
He and the boys ended up having a very pleasant meal, once the two of them realized they could speak their minds (even while eating!) and no thunderous voice bellowing down the heavens would sow their lips together and smack their heads for spurning a rule.
Lan Jingyi was the one to break first.
“Master Wei, Hanguang-Jun doesn’t actually know we’re here,” the junior confessed, alleviated by finally being able to say the truth. “We ran away.”
“You what?!”
“Well, we didn’t exactly run away, we just kind of left unannounced!” He tried to correct himself, but it was too late.
Lan Sizhui came to the rescue, “Hanguang-Jun doesn’t know we’re here, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, as we’re not that far away from home. We… came to see you, Xian-gege.”
Wei Wuxian was aghast, but also privately delighted with the juniors’ daring behavior, so he let them speak.
“When Hanguang-Jun woke up that day, he was asking for you. I reminded him you had left on the night prior and I saw his face shatter when he remembered you were gone. Why did you leave so suddenly? Without… saying goodbye?”
Wei Wuxian’s face fell when he realized what this was about. He felt stupid not to consider other people might have feelings about his departure, especially Lan Sizhui who had come to depend on him on the two months in which he had stayed in the Cloud Recesses.
“Aiya, my little radish, please do not concern yourself with this senior’s poor manners. It was an emergency, so I ran. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I’m so sorry if I did.”
“Did you and Hanguang-Jun break up?” Lan Jingyi asked before he could help himself, then covered his mouth with his hand.
Wei Wuxian could do little but scream “What?!” at their faces again. “Such nosy juniors, now, where have you two been…”
“We know you’re together! Everyone does, it’s okay, it’s really okay, Master Wei,” Lan Jingyi was quick to interrupt. “We all see the way you look at each other, how you live together in the same house… we’ve seen you kissing at the meadow with the rabbits in the early mornings. I’m just saying, no one cares! So why did you leave, what happened ?”
“I’ve never seen Hanguang-Jun like this, not since I was a little kid,” Lan Sizhui added. “He hasn’t left the Jingshi in two days, even though by morning his qi had fully recovered! Zewu-Jun is now covering both positions for him, he won’t see anyone but him. We were so afraid, we— we took our swords yesterday and set off trying to find you!”
Wei Wuxian had been completely shocked out of words.
“Your Hanguang-Jun and I… We… We…We are not together, A-Yuan.”
It was the juniors turn to scream “What?!” right in his face.
“I know, I know it sounds ridiculous… but it’s a grown up thing. Lan Zhan has been helping me regain my qi, as have you! Haven’t we sparred and studied a lot together the past few weeks? That was the same,” Wei Wuxian finished lamely.
“That was totally not the same,” Lan Jingyi disagreed instantly.
“Xian-gege, do you not return Hanguang-Jun’s feelings for you?” Lan Sizhui asked carefully.
“His feelings?” Wei Wuxian probed, desperate to get an insight into his beloved’s head.
“His romantic feelings,” Lan Sizhui clarified. “Did you not… know?”
“A-Yuan, please tell me what’s going on…” Wei Wuxian pleaded.
Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi looked at each other in fear, realizing the situation was more dire than they had previously realized.
“Ever since I was a child, when I asked Hanguang-Jun why he wasn’t married, why he wore white every single day… he told me he already considered himself a widower. Hanguang-Jun stopped wearing white… ever since you came back, Xian-gege.”
A widower? Lan Zhan considered himself married… to me?
“I’d never seen him smile before the day we first found you at Dafan Mountain. The year in which you were travelling, Hanguang-Jun retreated to himself again, but I could tell he felt calmer because he knew you were alive in the world once more. But the past few months have been… I’ve never seen Hanguang-Jun so transcendent with joy. He smiled during lectures, he got distracted, he let us get away with little things… it was all because of you.”
“Me?” Wei Wuxian echoed, hollow.
“You,” Lan Jingyi confirmed. “He loves you, Master Wei.”
Wei Wuxian stood up abruptly, turning heads in the restaurant. “I must.... I must tell him right away.”
If there was a sliver of a chance those boys might be right, then he would do it. He would go back and fight for it, fight for his place in Lan Wangji’s life.
But not for his love… because it seemed like he had had that all along.
What a great, enormous mess we found ourselves in, Lan Zhan.
Luckily, the next generation had them covered. Lan Sizhui threw some silver on the table and in a few moments, the three of them were off, back to the Cloud Recesses.
*
Wei Wuxian barely had time to dust himself off, when he dismounted Lan Sizhui’s sword and made way for the Jingshi. It was already nightfall, which meant Lan Wangji would be at home. Well, according to the juniors’ words, he hadn’t left the Jingshi either way for the past couple days.
Wei Wuxian had a hard time believing any of his actions could have such an impactful influence on Lan Wangji’s moods, to the point they disrupted his routine and left him practically bedridden. But he hadn’t been here for the sixteen years, had he?
Apparently, there was a lot he didn’t know about Lan Wangji.
But he knew what he was going to do now. He was going to barge into the room, run up to Lan Wangji, and he would tell him…
“Lan Zhan?”
He didn’t expect him to be asleep.
Wei Wuxian had never seen his beloved look so vulnerable. He was lying on his back, in typical Lan fashion, but his hands weren’t dutifully placed over his chest. Instead, one of them was splayed across the bed and the other crushed the pillow next to his head, as if he was having fits in his sleep.
He was only wearing his white under robe, forehead ribbon set aside on the nightstand in a less than perfect manner. His beautiful black hair spilled all over the sheets, wild like they hadn’t been brushed in a while. Wei Wuxian desperately wanted to touch the frown marring his beautiful features… but there were things he needed to do first.
“Lan Zhan?” He called again, delicately placing his hand over the palm resting by the pillow.
Lan Wangji stirred, mumbling something incomprehensible, but didn’t wake up.
“Lan Zhan, it’s only seven. What are you doing asleep?” Wei Wuxian asked, his voice barely above a whisper. “It’s me, Wei Ying. Sweetheart, please wake up.”
This time, he got an answer. Lan Wangji said, “No.”
“No?”
“Go away.”
Wei Wuxian retreated his hand immediately. The words burned him, he could feel the sting on the back of his eyes and he… Had he been wrong? Wei Wuxian couldn’t bear to be wrong about this, not now, not after everything.
“You’re not here,” Lan Wangji finished, adamant.
Oh, Lan Zhan.
“I’m here, Lan Zhan, I’m right here. Open your eyes for me. See? It’s me, your Wei Ying,” he tried to smile for him, but he was too raw and vulnerable for it to work.
Lan Wangji was finally awake, but this was not the reunion Wei Wuxian had been imagining. This Lan Wangji was distant, and didn’t meet his eyes after he blinked himself out of sleep and sat on the bed in lotus position.
“You’re back,” he observed, coldly.
“Yes? I figured you’d be… never mind what I thought. I came back, Lan Zhan.”
“Why?”
Wei Wuxian sighed. “I thought… I thought I would be strong enough. I was wrong.”
Lan Wangji nodded once, then finally looked up at him like he was psyching himself to do something. In a single swift movement, Lan Wangji’s lips, softened by sleep, captured his.
Wei Wuxian’s eyes widened in surprise, but he returned the kiss by instinct. He… understood? That’s all it took?
Nevermind. Lan Wangji’s lips were so full, so kissable, and Wei Wuxian just wanted to gnaw on them until they bled. He started to nibble on the man’s bottom lip softly when suddenly he felt the wave of spiritual powers being shoved down his throat without warning.
Unnerved, finding for the first time that surge entirely unwelcome, he moved to worship other parts of Lan Wangji’s face, pressing tiny kisses over his cheek, his jaw, his chin… Lan Wangji stopped him, groaning, “That won’t help you,” before redirecting his efforts towards his mouth.
Wei Wuxian allowed it for five seconds, until confusion finally took over. “Why are you trying to give me spiritual energy?’
“You just said you weren’t strong enough, that’s why you came back.”
No.
No, no, no no no no.
“Lan Zhan,” he whispered coarsely, “Please listen to me. We’re doing the same thing over and over again. I thought we were supposed to be smart. We’re not, clearly we’re stupid.”
Wei Wuxian stood up at once, Lan Wangji trying to follow him but Wei Wuxian’s arms kept him still, sitting up on the bed. “Stupid?” He parroted his words, his deep voice still addled by sleep.
“Yes! Lan Zhan, my dearest Lan Zhan… in order for this to work, this needs to be an exchange.”
“What are you talking about?”
“No more feeding me your qi until you pass out. No more doing things for me to your detriment. No more of that long-suffering, self-sacrificing mindset, I don’t want any of that! I want you to kiss me because you want to, without feeling like you need a reason to do it or because you can be useful to me somehow.”
Lan Wangji’s lips parted in that adorable way of his, meaning he was caught off guard, and his mask was finally able to slip away.
“I mean, assuming you want to do it. I want us to mingle our energies to make us both stronger, not having them fed to me, okay?”
“Wei Ying wants to?” Lan Wangji asked, managing to stand up, but he clung to Wei Wuxian’s waist like his life depended on it.
“Wei Ying wants to. Very, very much.”
Lan Wangji sucked in a harsh breath, then his hands were in Wei Wuxian’s hair, and he proceeded to kiss the life out of him. Wei Wuxian returned the kiss with equal fervor, his mind going — Yes yes yes... Finally.
Their tongues came out to play and they were occupied for a very long time, until Lan Wangji realized he could kiss other parts of Wei Wuxian as well, without fear of breaking the energy link that often kept them in check. And he didn’t disappoint, immediately beginning to bite the line where his jaw met his throat, then pressing forgiving licks to soothe the marks, nibbling on his face until saliva dripped out of the corners of his mouth.
“And in exchange,” Wei Wuxian said, resurfacing for a second. Lan Wangji chased after him like a man drowned in search of breath, but Wei Wuxian’s finger landed in front of his mouth. “In exchange, you let me make you feel good.”
He dropped to his knees.
Wei Wuxian never got to see the look of surprise on his face, because all of a sudden all of his attention converged to Lan Wangji’s hardness poking out of his thin under robe. He mouthed the line with dry, thirsty lips, unable to resist it now that he was in such close proximity with Lan Wangji’s manhood. At last, he looked up at him through lowered eyelashes and asked, “You’ll let me?”
“I will. Anything,” Lan Wangji managed between ragged breaths.
Wei Wuxian hummed, appeased with his obedience, and rubbed his nose against Lan Wangji’s clothed cock. “You smell so good here, er-gege… Bet you taste even better.”
Wei Wuxian opened his sash, making the entire robe fall on the ground and leaving Lan Wangji completely naked. “Beautiful,” he remarked, “But you already know that, right? Know how crazy you make me everytime you walk into a room?”
Wei Wuxian drew his cock in, making his tongue flat and hot along the underside. He took the head with his mouth, gave it tiny little cat licks around it to stimulate the precum already starting to form there. “I missed you,” he found himself saying, gazing up on those hazy eyes, “I missed you oh so much…”
Wei Wuxian started to suck in earnest, bobbing his head up and down without much finesse. Lan Wangji didn’t seem to mind, though, because he let out a groan and put a hand on his hair — not pulling, just touching —, as if to ground himself.
Wei Wuxian sped up the pace, trying to make this as enjoyable as possible for Lan Wangji, considering this was possibly both of their first times giving and receiving oral. When Wei Wuxian tried to take him too deep and started to gag, he pulled back before he could embarrass himself, compensating for the lack of his hot mouth around him with both of his hands enveloping his heat.
“Lan Zhan, I’m sorry it took me so long,” he nearly cried, staring directly at Lan Wangji’s eyes. “I like you too much, er-gege. Please tell me you love me too.”
With that, Lan Wangji pulled him up by the armpits, landing chest to chest with him. Wei Wuxian mourned the loss of his cock around his tongue and hands, but that was entirely okay as Lan Wangji’s lips descended upon his, saying against his mouth, “Love you. Love you, Wei Ying.’
They backtracked until Wei Wuxian’s knees touched the corner of the bed, and Lan Wangji pulled him under, towering over him like a predator surveying his prey. Their kissing turned more passionate once lying down, stopping only for a few seconds each time so Lan Wangji could remove another item of Wei Wuxian’s clothing. He was stripped to his black under robe when Lan Wangji attacked his neck, leaving a trail of bites over the sensitive skin, before moving to the smooth planes of his chest.
“You know what would help me more with my golden core, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian smiled a little coquettish. “You, inside me. You’re too good, Hanguang-Jun, you never considered dual cultivation to help with this lowly disciple’s training regimen…”
“Never suggested it,” Lan Wangji said sharply, taking a nipple into his mouth. “Considered it alright.”
Wei Wuxian nearly squealed at hearing that response. “Lan Zhan, you fiend! You would fuck a golden core into my body?”
“If I have to, yes.”
“Then do it. Please, please, do it, Hanguang-Jun. I’m at your mercy. Do it and I’ll never ever leave you. Let anyone come and try to peel me away from… A-Ah!”
Lan Wangji’s finger found his entrance and pushed the first knuckle inside. “I’ll never deny you anything, Wei Ying. Not anymore. Ask and you shall receive.”
“Fuck me.”
“As Wei Ying commands.”
Dual cultivation wasn’t like anything Wei Wuxian had been expecting. First, there wasn’t the persistent flow of qi flooding down his body like it happened during their previous kisses. The changes were felt from within. It was truly a mingling of both of their essences, yin and yang, finding and saluting each other, patching up the empty slots as they made their way through their meridians. The subproduct of that mixture was something entirely new, something composed of the two of them, and it was powerful.
When Lan Wangji entered him, Wei Wuxian screamed, not because he was in pain, but because he couldn’t bear to be without him for a moment longer. Inside of him, trapped between his thighs, he felt complete. Like coming home after two decades of pain, tragedy and loneliness.
Every thrust provided delicious friction, punctuating his answers to a call Wei Wuxian wasn’t aware he was asking.
“Er-gege, you feel so so good, I need more…”
Lan Wangji gave him more, and wasn’t weaker for it. For once, they were both stronger, practically glowing in the night with the sheer might of their powers.
Wei Wuxian came with a shout, Lan Wangji thrusting mercilessly until achieving his own release a few seconds later. The man collapsed on his chest, and Wei Wuxian could do nothing but to wrap both arms around him and keep him ever closer, tucking his seed more firmly inside him while holding his lower body with his legs.
Lan Wangji was the first to speak, voice rumbling on his neck, providing interesting vibrations to a lot of oversensitized parts of Wei Wuxian’s spent body. “You have a core yet?”
Wei Wuxian for a moment seriously considered this. But not even Lan Wangji’s extraordinary, magical cock would be able to spring an entire golden core into existence after one go. “No, I… I don’t think so.”
“We have to keep trying then.”
*
Wei Wuxian never really forgot the Jiang motto, for he and Lan Wangji did attempt the impossible a few more times after that. Late at night, long after good little Lans should already be asleep, he and Lan Wangji conversed softly in their bed, wrapped around each other from head to toe.
They’ve fallen prey to so many misunderstandings, it was hard to know where to begin. Wei Wuxian knew he also owed an apology to Lan Xichen, for twisting his words so awfully in his head, but that would have to come tomorrow. He was busy now. Either way, without Lan Xichen’s candid words to him, it was difficult to tell when they would both stop playing at this game and with each other’s hearts.
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, my dearest love… you wouldn’t believe the sheer amount of garbage this old man was thinking when he left you, three days ago,” Wei Wuxian confessed, tightening his hold on Lan Wangji’s hand over his heart.
It was easier to admit to his foolishness when he could not see him. Easier to regard all the insecurities and doubts that ate away at his heart for the past year as false, here in the safety of Lan Wangji’s embrace.
“I thought you knew of my feelings and just didn’t know what to do with them, didn’t want to disturb the status quo because you hate confrontation. At first, your kisses were so proper and chaste… It’s how I imagined you would kiss, in the privacy of my mind. Especially considering the situation. But once our encounters turned heated and you went along… Lan Zhan, I thought you decided to indulge me. To give me something of what I wanted, because you couldn’t give me everything.”
Resting his chin on his shoulder, Lan Wangji spoke quietly into his ear, “Does Wei Ying really believe I would do something I wouldn’t want, even for his sake?”
“I don’t know. Would you?” Wei Wuxian countered the question right back at him.
Lan Wangji let out a bit of air with his nose. “I... wouldn’t know either. I have been in love with Wei Ying ever since I met him.”
Wei Wuxian struggled on his hold, screeching. “Lan Zhan! Warn a man before you say that kind of stuff, okay? My heart is too fragile and I don’t even have a golden core to protect me! But, see… this is what I was saying. I don’t want you to acquiesce and answer to my every whim, just because you feel like you have to.”
“I like spoiling Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji pointed out.
“Right, but not that kind of fun spoiling, though. The I-Will-Present-My-Head-To-You-On-A-Silver-Platter kind of thing that I see you do. Anything that hurts you is not allowed anymore after today. Are we clear?”
“Crystal.”
Wei Wuxian would have to try and see how many days that would last before he had to remind him again. This impossible man, he thought. I hope we are bickering about this to the end of our days. I know that’s unlikely to never happen again, because for me, it is the same. If it’s for you, Lan Zhan, I don’t care what becomes of me.
I hope we never, ever change.
But there was one insecurity left that had yet to be addressed. One that was eating at his soul and was the reason they started with this whole thing in the first place.
“Lan Zhan… what if I get old?” Wei Wuxian asked, his voice not above a whisper. “What if I leave before you again?”
“If Wei Ying is old, I will love him. If he leaves before me, I will follow.”
“Just like that?’
“Mn.” Lan Wangji was resolute. Suddenly, Wei Wuxian felt his voice very close to his ear, and arms encircling his waist even closer to his chest. “But if I have anything to say about that… then I promise you it’s going to be you and I, forever and beyond.”
“Does that mean I can stay here with you?”
Lan Wangji almost laughed now at his utter absurdity. “Yes, Wei Ying. Stay here. Marry me.”
“What?”
Lan Wangji didn’t falter. “Marry me,” he repeated, pressing a kiss to his earlobe. His voice didn’t waver, nor did his grip around him loosen.
“Yes,” Wei Wuxian answered with a smile. He got a little more cozy, snuggling back into his chest. “Any more secrets I need to know before we do?”
“Wangxian,” Lan Wangji whispered in his ear.
“Oh, you did not,” Wei Wuxian squirmed, then laughed until he was hoarse for the first time in three long, long days.