Work Text:
My dearest Dorian,
You must certainly be wondering why I have penned a letter and not simply picked up the sending crystal you gave me. I appreciate this must not bode well in your eyes. I am almost positive you must also be wondering why I have not spoken to you using the crystal at all as of late. However, I question if you realise how much time has passed since we last spoke. Ever since your departure, your life has been unimaginably busy. I believe you rarely have the opportunity to think of such trivial matters.
If you have sent me letters recently, I am afraid they have not reached me. If Varric is still sending you letters, maybe he explained that I have been out of everyone's reach for many months. Maybe he told you how everyone is worried for me, and maybe he even told you how my life truly changed after you left for Tevinter and I disbanded the Inquisition.
I lied to you, Dorian. I did not enjoy my early retirement, I did not relish the feeling of free time and all that it would give me access to, I was not healthy or happy, I was enduring burnout and heartache. I was miserable; a drunk who relied on the bottle instead of a fresh meal, a leech on Kirkwall's high society. I shut myself in and cut myself off from my friends, family and from the rest of the world. Many times, I woke up in a pool of my own vomit and piss, and I continued. I did not stop because it numbed the way I felt.
You do not need to worry. I am safe now and have been for a while, I am healing. I am with people I consider my new family, the trust between us is mutual. I decided some time ago to devote myself to their way of life and I have not looked back, next to disbanding it was the best decision I have made for myself in a long time.
About a month ago I had an extraordinary breakthrough. I can say with confidence that the majority of my actions were guided by what people needed of me, what I believed would be best for everyone. You said it yourself all those years ago, I rarely did anything for me. I was praised for my selflessness. With that quality and with the help from a lot of people, I defeated one of the greatest evils Thedas has ever seen.
During my time as Inquisitor, you were the ray of sunshine in my life, my rock, and my soulmate. You comforted me, accompanied me everywhere, rubbed my sore feet, and carried me to bed when I fell asleep at my desk. You healed me when I was sick and made love to me like we had no tomorrow.
Looking back on our relationship I see that my position in the world, my personality, the way I lived, the thousand and one things that went to make my life so fascinating, and so wonderfully improbable was, were, each and all of them, elements that fascinated you and made you stick to me. Still, there was something more, some unfamiliar attraction for you: you loved me far better than you loved anybody else. But you, like myself, have survived terrible tragedies in your life, though ones of an entirely different experience to mine. You, above all else, crave so much to change your countrymen. I feel that in you, the desire to save your country is stronger than your love for me.
I am sure that you must be cursing me and protesting by now. Know this: after my breakthrough, it is with a clear conscience and no regret that I write my true and current feelings. You broke my heart, Dorian. You left me to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul. You abandoned me to save your homeland. You did everything to prevent me from coming to Tevinter with you. I felt so alienated, so ashamed of myself. I believed that, after everything we had gone through, I was not good enough for you. Was I just a southern dalliance, a beneficial connection that would aid you in your Politics?
Before leaving you and putting an end to what we are, I need to get my current thoughts onto this paper, and then I will not speak or write to you anymore. I owe this to myself.
Truthfully, I hope so much, I want and need so much to see you again, someday, in person, because you really are my soul mate. I can say with confidence that I will never love again, not like I love you, and I am okay with that. Despite aching for you, I will never wish or ask to see you again. If our paths do cross in the future, I shall not assume that you love me anew, not even that you want to lay with me again. But know that I will always long for your tender touch, your warm smile, and sensuous laughter.
When news of your exploits reaches me, I will feel immensely proud of you, I will remind myself that it was because of your faith in the Inquisition that you were able to achieve what you set out to achieve.
I wish you all the luck in the world in all your endeavours.
Yours forever,
Gabriel x
