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“Jeno-yah.”
Mark’s voice calling him makes Jeno tear his gaze away from the wall and look up at Mark. They’re at the McDonald’s at almost midnight to get some food after finishing a movie at Mark’s place. He’s standing by their table with Jaemin at his side, both holding a tray each. Jeno blinks at him a few times. “Huh?”
“You’re zoning out again.” Mark places the tray of food onto the table, taking his seat opposite of Jeno. “I called your name like four times.”
“Are you okay?” Jaemin asks, a worried look in his eyes as he passes Jeno his burger. “You’ve been out of it since we got here.”
“Sorry,” Jeno says, reaching for a fry and popping it into his mouth. “I was just thinking.”
“Of Donghyuck?”
Jeno stops chewing at the mention of his name. Jaemin scolds him with a light smack on his arm, making the older yelp. Mark has always been blunt, saying things without really considering the timing, like right now.
“Jeno, I didn’t mean to—“
Jeno shakes his head, swallowing his food and waving a hand dismissively at Mark. “It’s cool, hyung.”
They grow silent after that. Jeno’s not looking at them, but he can see Jaemin whispering at his boyfriend, a frown on his face. Jeno’s not mad at Mark for mentioning him, he’s just mad at himself for being so affected by it.
He’s gone almost two weeks without letting the thought of Donghyuck bother him, but he was searching for one of his jackets when he remembered that Donghyuck had taken it weeks ago to get to his class that one morning and never returned it.
It was hard to think of anything but Donghyuck after that. Of the time they’ve spent together falling into each others’ embrace while the darkness hides the way their bodies connect. Of the numerous not-dates they’ve gone on just to relieve the other’s loneliness. Of the rules they had just to make sure they could continue enjoying each others’ presence without any guilt.
Jeno knew it was never going to last, whatever arrangement they had going on, after they started to break the rules one by one.
First, it was the rule where they couldn’t stay over. Jeno didn’t have the heart to wake Donghyuck up when he had fallen asleep right after.
Then, it was the one where they can’t come knocking at the other’s door anytime without prior notice. Jeno had been so emotionally worked up that day and had mindlessly gone to Donghyuck’s place, but Donghyuck just opened his door and opened his arms for Jeno.
Next was the one where they can’t do anything in public. Donghyuck’s sinister smile paired with his teasing foot was all it took for Jeno to pull him to the library toilet, muffling his voice with a hand cupped over his mouth.
After that it was just rules broken one after another. It wasn’t long before none of them applied anymore, the two of them silently agreeing that it was best for them to just do whatever they wanted.
He just had to go and break an unspoken one—the deal-breaker.
Don’t fall in love.
“Have you… talked to him?” Jaemin suddenly asked, just as Jeno was unwrapping his burger. “Since then.”
Jeno shakes his head, going in for a bite without saying a word.
“Do you want to?” Jaemin offers. He’s probably thinking of asking Renjun if he could talk to Donghyuck into meeting Jeno
If Jeno’s being completely honest, he does want to accept that offer. But Jeno knows what Donghyuck wants, and he can’t be selfish.
“I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Jeno mutters under his breath. “It’s better this way.”
“It’s not, Jen. You know that,” Jaemin says slowly. “I know you don’t like talking to us about your feelings, but I can see how this is affecting you. Even Mark hyung can see it.”
“Do we have to talk about this right now?” Jeno spits out with a chuckle, wincing when he realised how snappy it had sounded.
“Jaemin’s not wrong. It’s been two weeks. That’s enough time for us to know what happened without you telling us,” Mark sighs. Jeno tries to avoid the pointed stare from the older boy. “Even Donghyuck—“
“Hyung,” Jaemin cuts him off with a warning tone.
Jeno can’t stop himself before his mouth starts running. “Donghyuck what?”
Mark’s lips press into a thin line, glancing at Jaemin. They exchange a look with each other, one Jeno can’t exactly decipher, like they’re having this silent conversation in their heads. It’s bearable most of the time, but it’s kind of annoying when Jeno knows their conversation involves him.
Jaemin turns to look at him, hesitance clear on his face. “Donghyuck… he’s not doing much better than you are.”
There was a flash of resentment in his mind, because why isn’t Donghyuck living his best life now that Jeno is out of it? But it goes away as quickly as it came, when worry starts to creep up his back and he has to hold himself back from asking what’s wrong with Donghyuck.
“I know I’m not in a position to tell you to do anything but—“ Jaemin pauses, cringing at himself before continuing. “But I can’t just stay quiet when I know my friends are hurting.”
“I know,” Jeno whispers.
“I think he gets what you’re trying to say, Jaem,” Mark suddenly speaks up, placing a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder.
Jeno’s grateful for Mark’s intervention, unable to withstand the weird air surrounding them anymore. He can’t even lift his head to look at the others in front of him, desperate to keep his gaze on the little speck of dirt on the floor.
“I’m gonna go,” Jeno stands up, dusting his hand of any remaining crumbs.
“Jeno—“
“To the toilet.” Jeno offers a small smile. “I just need to take a piss.”
Jaemin seems to brighten up at Jeno’s assurance, the corners of his lips twitching up. “Okay.”
Jeno leaves the table with a light pat on Jaemin’s back. He wasn’t lying, he did feel like using the toilet, but he wouldn’t deny using that as an excuse to get away and clear his head for a bit. Too many things are going through his mind, and he can’t guarantee that he won’t start crying.
Jeno often wonders when Donghyuck started occupying the space in his heart. It’s like one day he was laughing at the mere thought of falling in love, then the next day he found himself deep, so deep that he couldn’t pull himself out in time.
It was truly selfish of him, but at first he thought hooking up with Donghyuck was a bad idea because he thought Donghyuck, the boy who shares so much love to others, would eventually develop feelings and they would have to stop their arrangement.
Oh, how wrong Jeno was.
To be fair, it wasn’t like Jeno planned to confess. It was something that happened in the moment, a slip of his mouth in the dead of the night, a low ‘I love you’ whispered into Donghyuck’s ear just before Jeno let the fatigue take over.
The next morning, Jeno woke up to an empty space by his side and a single text message from Donghyuck.
let’s not do this anymore
Jeno knew better than to reply.
The longer he spends staring at the wall of the cubicle, the more he dreads going back out. Heaving a loud sigh, he zips his jeans up and resists slapping his cheeks in an attempt to get himself together.
In the middle of washing his hands, he physically pauses when he realises that he’s been humming the chorus of Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson while scrubbing his hands. It’s so dumb, because it was Donghyuck’s idea—that time they were washing hands next to each other after cleaning themselves up at a club’s toilet—who thought singing the birthday song was lame and told Jeno that Since U Been Gone was so much better. It’s one of the reasons why Jeno has the song ingrained into his brain, word by word.
Jeno laughs, because it’s hilarious how easily Donghyuck infiltrates his thoughts without even being mentioned. Is this how badly in love he is with his fuck buddy?
Shaking the excess water from his hands and reaching for a tissue paper, Jeno glances towards the door when he hears it swing open and is met with none other than the one who has been on his mind all day long.
“Donghyuck.”
Jeno suspects his brain is conjuring up an image of Donghyuck in that same jacket that he was searching for earlier today, some psychological or biological response to Jeno’s yearning (Jeno doesn’t know, he’s an architecture student) but it’s proven wrong when Donghyuck looks up, making eye contact with him and literally freezes in his steps.
What are the odds of meeting the person who ghosted you after you accidentally told them your feelings, especially in the toilet of a McDonald’s?
(Perhaps it wasn’t that low, considering it’s one of the only places close to campus that are open 24 hours.)
Jeno takes the moments of silence between them to really look at Donghyuck, at the dark circles heavy under his eyes, the way his bottom lip is red the way it usually is after he’s spent hours biting on it out of habit, the way his hands are balled into tight fists by his side and finally back up to his eyes, bloodshot and his emotions pouring out of them.
“Fuck,” Jeno barely hears Donghyuck whispering under his breath, pointedly avoiding Jeno’s gaze.
Jeno’s brain feels like it’s overloading, like all the little emotions in his head are going crazy and he can’t think of what to say, until his mouth moves on its own and Jeno’s muttering lowly. “Why?”
“What?”
“Why.” Jeno exhales shakily, trying his best to keep his voice from quivering.
“Jeno, what do you mean?”
“Why are you sad?” Jeno’s voice cracks at the end, but he decides that fuck it, he’s doing this. “I don’t get it. Why are you sad?”
Donghyuck stares at him, mouth opening and closing as if not knowing how to reply. “Jeno, I—“
“You made it very clear to me what you wanted when you left that night so why are you sad?” Jeno knows he’s just repeating his words over and over, but his heart’s beating out of his chest and his head is pounding and his palms are sweating and he can feel himself shaking and—
The door Donghyuck went through opens again, Mark stepping inside before stopping in his tracks when he notices the two.
“Oh,” Mark says, blinking his eyes at Jeno. “Uh. Sorry.”
Donghyuck sighs loudly, turning on his heels.
“Donghyuck—“
“I’ll be in my car. Let’s talk there,” Donghyuck says as he leaves.
Jeno spends a few seconds just staring at the spot Donghyuck was in before he releases a breath he never realised he was holding in.
“Sorry, dude. We didn’t realise he was here.”
“It’s okay, hyung,” Jeno throws the crumpled up tissue paper he’s been holding on to into the bin, shooting him a weak smile. “I’m gonna go.”
Mark returns the smile. “Just call me or Jaemin if you need anything, okay?”
On the way outside, he glances at Jaemin’s back. He has half a thought to go over and tell Jaemin about what’s happening but he doesn’t know if Donghyuck will wait for him that long, so he hurries out of the McDonald’s and scans the parking lot for Donghyuck’s car.
He finds Donghyuck in no time, leaning against his car. Jeno just watches him for a moment, the way he’s playing with the hem of the jacket between his fingers as he stares up at the starless sky. Jeno thought he looked beautiful—he’s always been beautiful.
“Are you done staring?”
“Huh?”
Donghyuck straightens up, suddenly tossing something in Jeno’s direction. Jeno almost doesn’t catch it, scrambling to hold it in his hands. When he looks down, it’s Donghyuck’s car keys.
“You drive. I’m tired,” Donghyuck says nonchalantly, going to sit in the passenger seat.
Jeno can’t deny how confused he is. This is not how Jeno thought it would be when he eventually gets to talk to Donghyuck again. Two weeks of radio silence, and here Donghyuck is, waiting for Jeno to drive him to God knows where.
Jeno knew he had a choice. He knew that if he decided that he didn’t want to follow through with Donghyuck, he could just say so and go back to Jaemin and Mark, who would say nothing if Jeno asked to go back.
But there’s no telling when they’ll get to talk ever again, so Jeno goes to the driver’s side and starts the engine. Donghyuck changes the radio until he hears something he likes—something that sounds like Olivia Rodrigo, Jeno only recognises it because Donghyuck texted him one day and asked Jeno to break up with him so he can listen to the album with a broken heart—before leaning back in his seat and staring out of the window.
“Where to ?”
Donghyuck doesn’t turn to look at Jeno. “Anywhere.”
Jeno doesn’t know what compels him to do it, but he silently pulls out of the parking lot and drives to Donghyuck’s place.
It took them less than 10 minutes to get there, the whole ride being silent other than the radio that Donghyuck put on. When he parks the car in Donghyuck’s usual parking spot and kills the engine, he stays seated until Donghyuck moves to get out with a plastic bag in hand before following right behind him.
The steps leading to Donghyuck’s place are familiar. Donghyuck hands a bottle of coffee to the security guard, who accepts it with a comforting smile. Donghyuck stops to pet the stray cat, pulls out a pack of cat food from the bag and pours it in the little metal bowl. Donghyuck greets the old guy who likes to sit outside in the middle of the night, nagging at him playfully when he notices him smoking a cigarette.
“Just don’t tell aunty I gave you this, or she’ll scold me when she sees me,” Donghyuck says, handing him a can of beer. He earns a hearty laugh and Jeno can’t help the way the corners of his lips quirk upwards.
(Jeno’s convinced Donghyuck has a literal heart of gold, and that’s why it’s not surprising that he fell in love with him.)
When they finally get to Donghyuck’s place, Jeno doesn’t react quickly enough when Donghyuck pulls him by his collar the moment he slams the door shut. He lets out a surprised yelp at the feeling of Donghyuck’s lips on him, of the way the plastic is squeezed between them and the way Donghyuck is crowding against him.
Jeno pries him off, wide eyes staring at the boy in front of him. “Donghyuck, what—“
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left without saying anything, and I’m sorry for ending things when you told me you loved me,” Donghyuck says in a single breath. He’s holding onto Jeno’s shoulders, head down as if he’s refusing to look at Jeno. “I’m sad because I fucking miss you. I fucking miss your stupid face, your stupid voice and your stupid smile and it was horrible having to avoid you just because I was afraid of admitting my own feelings.”
Jeno presses his lips into a thin line, eyebrows pinched together into a frown. “I- I don’t follow.”
Donghyuck sighs, looking up. “I love you too, Jeno. I was so in denial even when Renjun yelled in my face that what I’m feeling for you is not just the desire to fuck but actual romantic feelings that I just ran away when you told me you loved me. I only realised it when you were gone from my life.”
It’s so overwhelming. Jeno’s heart is beating out of his chest again, but this time it’s for another completely different reason.
Donghyuck loves him.
“You love me.”
Donghyuck stays silent, but Jeno can feel him squeezing his shoulders.
“You love me,” Jeno chokes out, his vision growing blurry. He can’t help the sob that he lets out, which has Donghyuck looking up at him in worry.
“Jeno?” Donghyuck lets go of the bag, tossing it aside. He reaches up, thumbs swiping over Jeno’s cheek to wipe the tear that has fallen. “Why are you crying? I’m sorry, baby, please don’t cry.”
“Happy tears,” Jeno hiccups. He lets Donghyuck pepper his face with fluttering kisses. “These are happy tears.”
“I’m really sorry, Jen.”
“It’s okay,” Jeno whispers with a small giggle, hands going up to cup Donghyuck’s face. “God, I missed you.”
“It’s only been two weeks.”
“I fucking miss your stupid face, your stupid voice and your stupid smile—“
“Oh, shut up you,” Donghyuck squishes Jeno’s cheeks between his palms and pulls him in for a kiss. Jeno hums happily, welcoming the hand that goes around to hold the back of Jeno’s hand.
Kissing Donghyuck was familiar to Jeno, the way Donghyuck physically melts when Jeno sneaks his hands around his waist and pulls his body closer, making sure there was no space separating them. Jeno feels a sense of pride when he pulls away and Donghyuck is left breathless, a sated look on his face and his mouth open as he pants softly.
It’s cheesy, like a scene out of an overhyped romantic movie. They’re still standing in Donghyuck’s doorway, the bag containing Donghyuck’s food somewhere forgotten, the still midnight air surrounding them, Donghyuck’s cheeks tinted pink and Jeno? Jeno is just so in love.
“I love you,” Jeno whispers, and he’s not afraid anymore. “I really love you.”
Donghyuck chuckles, knocking their foreheads together. “I know.”
(That night, Jeno tells Donghyuck how much he loves him, as he presses Donghyuck into bed, as they lay next to each other with their limbs tangled and as Donghyuck is falling asleep, knowing that he can say it again the next morning.)