Work Text:
When Todd came to Welton he didn’t expect anything special. It was a school where he was a disappointment as soon as he walked through the door. Jeffery left a shoe that Todd couldn’t fill.
Instead of being met with the disappointed faces of his teachers. He was met with the sun himself, his roommate.
“You must be my roommate, I’m Neil Perry”
Neil Perry. God might as well have been standing in the room with him. Todd couldn’t find the words to say anything to him. He smiled at Neil instead.
“Not one for talking huh, that’s fine, I can do enough talking for the both of us”
Todd mumbled out his name, he hoped that Neil didn’t catch his last name.
“Todd Anderson, huh, it’s nice to meet you Todd”
Before Neil, Todd would have never done half of the things he did at Welton. He would have never found the passion in him to write poetry, he would have never spoken a word to anyone, and he wouldn’t have ever thought to join the Dead Poets Society.
“Please Todd, it’s just some other boys, from our class, Charlie and Knox to name a few, we’re gonna read and write poetry, carpe diem Todd”
Todd had never been much of a rule breaker, he had never been much of anything before Neil. Now he took the risky trip to the cave every night. The boys around him shared poetry and talked about girls and class and whatever else came to their minds. Charlie brought alcohol sometimes. Todd refused to drink any, most of the time.
“Come on Todd, it’ll loosen up your lips enough so that you can read some of that poetry of yours”
“I’m good Charlie, thank you”
Charlie just shrugged and took another sip from the bottle in his hand.
“He’s good y’know, Todd, I stole one of his poems one day and it’s the best thing I’ve ever read, better than anything Uncle Walt’s written”
Neil had put his bottle down a while ago. He looked at Todd with a smile on his face and mischief in his eyes. Todd wanted to hate that look. He found that he couldn’t.
“Is he now, not sure I believe it, he barely speaks a word”
Todd glared at Neil, he threw an apologetic smile Todd’s way before speaking.
“Better than anything I’ve ever read”
Todd was screwed after that. His heart would speed up when he looked at Neil, or when Neil spoke, or when he was sitting on his bed doing homework. Anything Neil did caused the words that already stuck in Todd’s throat, to turn into honey. Not in the sense that they were sweet, but that they couldn’t come out once you swallowed them down.
“Writing again Todd, you should probably do homework, it’ll be good for you in the long run”
Todd sat on his bed. His math textbook was open, Todd hadn’t looked at it since he opened it. His head was swirling with thoughts of Neil, Neil, Neil. It had been since that stupid meeting. Todd hated all the poetry he wrote about Neil, all of it too unoriginal, eyes like chocolate and a heart of gold. None of it was good enough to be about Neil Perry.
“No amount of studying is going to help me with the math quiz we have on Wednesday”
Neil let out a laugh and took off his shoes. He moved to Todd’s bed, he shoved the crumpled papers off to make room for himself. Neil picked up one of the papers from the floor and uncrumpled it. Todd pulled it from Neil’s grip before he could read it.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re your worst critic y’know, they’re not as bad as you think, you are so much better than you think you are Todd, best poet in the society”
“All of you say that to try and get me to read something”
Todd felt like his heart was going to pop out of his chest. He should be used to that feeling by now, he wasn’t.
“Yes, but you really are the best poet of our century, of all time, better than Uncle Walt, better than Jack Gilbert, I mean it Todd, it’s a shame your so scared to show your work”
“I-it really is the worst thing I’ve ever written Neil”
Todd looked at the words on the paper and laughed at them.
“Brown eyes like a birds nest, that’s horrible, seriously, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever written Neil, I can’t show you this”
Todd hated showing his writing to anyone regardless, but this was about Neil. Neil would figure out it was about him, and Todd couldn’t live with that.
“That’s not bad, connect it to, her being a bird and making you feel free, or something, I don’t know, you’re the poet here Todd, let me read it and I can help you figure it out”
“I already said no, Neil”
Neil shifted his position on Todd’s bed to look at Todd better.
“Fine, will you let me read it when it’s finished, I’d really love to read it Todd”
Todd sighed. Neil probably wasn’t going to let it go until he said yes. Neil had been stubborn since the day they met and hated being told no. It was just a fact everyone knew.
“I-I’ll think about it, alright, maybe, I think I’m gonna scrap this one anyways, the next one maybe”
Neil’s smile spread all the way across his face. It lit up their room and made Todd’s heart clench as soon as he saw it. If Neil smiled like that again when he asked to read Todd’s poem, he wouldn’t be able to tell him no.
————————————
“It’s kinda late to be in the library Todd, don’t you think”
Knox sat down next to Todd at a table in the back of the library. Todd had decided to compare Neil’s eyes to rocks for some reason. Poets were supposed to be romantic, they were supposed to talk about city lights and flowers and beating hearts. Todd had somehow decided to compare love and rocks. He was either bad at poetry or bad at love. He hoped it wasn’t both.
“I’m looking for rocks”
Knox barked out a laugh. The librarian shushed him. He began to laugh quieter.
“The library doesn’t seem like a good place to look for rocks Todd, is this a school assignment, what class are you in that requires you to be looking for rocks”
“Poetry”
It was a simple answer, one Todd knew Knox would understand. Or hoped he would understand. Knox’s eyebrows were scrunched together when Todd looked up from his book.
“I’m, a little lost Todd, I’m sure whatever you’re writing is gonna be good though, rocks”
“I-I, I’m looking for brown rocks, t-to uh, compare N-someone’s eyes to”
Todd could feel his face get warm. Knox smiled, only one side of his mouth curled up, but it was enough for Todd to duck his head into his book.
“You’ve never said anything about a girl Todd, I could have been helping you this whole time, why didn’t you say anything”
“I-I, Uh, you’re busy trying to get Chris, so”
Knox scoffed and flicked Todd lightly on his temple. He shook his head like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Maybe he couldn’t.
“That doesn’t stop me from wanting to help you, you’ve been helpful with me trying to get Chris and-“
“I have, really”
Todd found that hard to believe. Everyone on the planet knew that Knox had made no progress with Chris. She had a boyfriend, and she was out of Knox’s league. Todd wasn’t going to tell Knox that.
“Yes, Todd, you have, she invited me to a party remember, anyways, enough about me, more about this girl, who is she”
Todd froze up. He probably looked like a deer in headlights because Knox put his hands up defensively and started apologizing.
“Okay, okay, sorry, I get it, you don’t have to say anything, that’s my fault okay, now about your poetry, why are you in here”
Todd looked at Knox like it was the dumbest question anyone had ever asked. Knox knew why he was in there.
“You have two Harvard bounded nerds as friends, just ask Meeks and Pitts instead of sitting and looking at a book for hours”
—————————————
“A brown stone, there’s lots of them”
Meeks and Pitts had always been really close. It didn’t faze anyone to see them leaning on each other, or them touching randomly. It was just Meeks and Pitts, Pitts and Meeks. Todd wished he could have that.
When Knox burst into their room after dragging Todd all the way from the library, they were leaning on each other on Pitts bed reading a book with a word on it that Todd didn’t even want to try to pronounce. Their radio didn’t have the back on it, a few wires were hanging out of it. Knox gave them a second to look up before he spoke.
“A brown stone, there’s a lot of them, Agate, Jasper, Tigereye”
Meeks added on to Pitts’s list.
“Scapolite, Bronzite, Feldspar, Tourmaline, there’s a lot more, how many do you need”
“Uh, I-I just need one, it’s for a poem I’m working on, thank you guys that’s, really good t-thank you”
Todd scribbled down the stones on a piece of scrap paper he grabbed off of their desk. Knox patted him on the back and gestured to Meeks and Pitts.
“See, you don’t need a book when you know the smartest people at Welton Todd, they know everything, I mean it”
Pitts, who had returned to reading his book, looked up at Knox and shook his head.
“Neither of us is doing your homework Knox, I can help you with it, I’m not doing it though”
“Please, you have my handwriting down, you can do anything with that Pitts”
——————————
The rocks still weren’t helping him. He couldn’t rhyme them with anything. All of the dictionaries were checked out of the library (why anyone would check out a dictionary from the library was beyond Todd) so Todd went to the only person that he knew owned a dictionary.
“I’m just going to use it for a few minutes Cameron, just to look up words for my poem, please”
Charlie threw an eraser at the back of Cameron’s head, it bounced off and hit the floor of their room. Cameron glared at Charlie afterwards.
“Just let him use it for his love poem Dick, it’ll take Todd a few minutes and he’s one of the most responsible people to use your stupid book, he can use it in here if you want to keep a look out for your poor baby”
“I was gonna let Todd use it regardless, it’s doesn’t matter to me that much, I can always get a new one”
Cameron was quiet for a minute as he got up to get his dictionary. Before he handed it to Todd he seemed to fully grasp what Charlie said.
“H-how do you know about my poem Charlie, I didn’t tell you about it”
Charlie shrugged from his seat by the window. He took a long drag from his cigarette before snuffing it out on the small ledge. Todd grabbed the heavy book from Cameron’s hands.
“Knox said something, I kind of figured it was for someone special, you blush every time you work on it, you’ve always gotten flustered when we talk about girls, so I just assumed it was a love poem”
“A love poem, for who, I didn’t know you were in love Todd”
Charlie laughed right after Cameron said it. He gripped his stomach, he was laughing so hard. He started coughing due to his laughter. Todd blushed and stuttered, trying to look for an answer.
“Are you that stupid Cameron”
Charlie said after his fit.
“It’s pretty obvious who the poem is for Dick, a blind person could figure it out, just open your eyes a bit more”
Todd ran out of the room as fast as he could. The thick dictionary was tucked under his arm, he could still hear Charlie laughing softly as the door shut behind him.
“You look as if you’ve seen a ghost Todd”
Todd pressed his back to the door as soon as he got to Neil and his room. The book was now clutched to his chest. Todd could feel his heartbeat thumping against the dictionary’s hardcover. It skipped a beat when Neil spoke.
“I-no, it was just Charlie”
Neil busted out laughing, his eyes crinkled at the corners. Neil Perry was the center of Todd’s entire world and he didn’t even know it. God, Todd wished that Neil knew.
——————————
“Eyes brown like tourmaline, without him I go unseen, ugh fuck”
Putting the words on paper was hard sometimes. Todd loved it when the words just came to him. He loved when they flew like water down a clif. It was easy and took almost no thought, some days he could write poetry in his sleep. Today was not one of those days.
Neil walked through the door as Todd threw his pen down and crumpled yet another piece of paper. He hated wasting paper, he had gone through so much paper with this stupid poem.
“Another one huh”
Neil took off his scarf and coat, he went to the paper that was tossed on the floor. Todd went to tell Neil to not read it, before he could get anything out, Neil had already thrown the paper in the trash.
“I’m sure you’ll get it soon, you’re in a bit of a rough patch I bet, does this happen with every poem”
“No, it’s just one that really matters I guess, it needs to be perfect, i-it just has to be perfect”
Neil shook his head and laughed. It filled the air with the most beautiful tune Todd had ever heard. God, he had it bad. It was probably getting worse because of this stupid poem. Maybe he should take a break from it for a while.
“Nothing is perfect Todd, it’s just impossible to be perfect, no matter what other people think”
“That’s not true, not when there’s a world with, them in it”
Todd wanted to say, a world with you in it, this poem was going to make him do something stupid. He really needed a break from it, or he needed to finish it soon, he hoped he finished it soon.
Neil hummed and smiled. It almost looked sad.
“It’s going to make your brain explode if you keep thinking about it, it’ll come to you, it always does, and when you finished it’ll be the best thing anyone’s ever written, you should stop thinking so hard about it Todd”
“Easy for you to say, you're not the one writing it, you haven’t even seen it, so how do you know it’s good”
Neil shrugged and looked at Todd.
“Because you wrote it, of course it’s gonna be good”
——————————————
Keating had always picked on Todd a little bit. Todd didn’t mind it, that was a lie, Todd actually did mind it. He didn’t mind it as much anymore. It was just something that happened, Todd would get embarrassed and they would go on with class.
It was this stupid poems fault for him not paying attention in the only class that was worth anything at Welton. Keating was talking about some poem by Basil Bunting. It wasn’t that Todd didn’t care, this was Keatings class he was in, he also liked some of Basil Bunting’s works, he was just preoccupied.
“Todd, do you have any insight on the poem”
Todd didn’t even hear Keating say anything. He reread the sentence he just wrote. Something didn’t flow and it was annoying him to no end. This entire poem was starting to annoy him. He never thought poetry could irritate him, but here he was.
“Todd, earth to Todd”
Todd felt something hit the top of his head. It bounced off his head, he heard Knox say, “good shot”, it pulled him away from his own little world. Todd looked up and realized everyone was staring at him. Todd ducked down slightly, he was trying to get smaller, he knew it wasn’t working.
“Did you hear my question Mr.Anderson”
“I-I, no Captain, I-I was, working on my poem, I-I’m sorry”
Keating laughed and shook his head. Todd could feel himself get redder by the second.
“Of course it’s a poem, I think that’s the only thing I’ve seen you write this year”
“Todd’s been working on it nonstop, I’m pretty sure it’s the only thing he can think about, he’s been staying up late and everything”
Todd could hear the smile in Neil’s voice. That wasn’t true, it was close to the truth, the only things he could think about were the poem, and Neil.
“It’s a love poem, Todd told me it was, I can’t figure out who it’s for though, he won’t tell either”
Keating smiled at him and shook his head. He was cursing Charlie in his head. Charlie could never keep his mouth shut.
“Is that so Mr.Anderson, poetry is certainly a good way to woo women, men have been doing it for centuries, I’d say it works pretty well”
Keating winked at Todd.
“Let’s forget about Bunting for a minute, some say affection is best shown through actions, I have to disagree, words, most importantly a poem, has to be the easiest way to put down your words of affection, I’ve wrote plenty over the years”
Charlie whistled from the back of the classroom. Keating laughed and shook his head.
“Yes, I have written many a love poem, some were received better than others”
Keating turned to Todd, he hoped Keating wasn’t going to ask what his poem was about. Deep down he knew Keating was going to.
“What is your poem about Todd, how are you letting her know you love her”
“Uh, i-it’s stupid, it’s not a good thing to compare anyone to, and-and as I reread it, it all just sounds stupid, I might quit working on it completely”
He heard Neil laugh, Todd’s heart clenched at the sound. It was his favorite sound, better than any record he had ever heard.
“Nonsense Todd, you’ve been working on it forever, you can’t just give it up now, Carpe Diem, come on, just, finish it and give it to her”
Neil threw his arms up and laughed.
“If she doesn’t like you, or or your poem, that’s her loss Todd, and she didn’t deserve it anyway”
Everyone agreed with what Neil said, small nods and yeps filled the room around him. Todd could feel his face heat up even more. He knew that Neil would like his poem, Neil loved everything that Todd wrote, he wouldn’t love Todd though, that’s why it mattered so much.
“I-I, but what if-“
“Todd”
Keating cut him off before he could even start. It was probably for the best, Todd wasn’t sure what he was about to say.
“You will never know how she feels if you never tell her, you’ll miss your opportunity, even though time seems like it stretches forever now, all of our clocks will eventually stop ticking, that’s what carpe diem is about, using what little time we have here on earth, and making the most of it”
Everyone around the room was nodding their heads. They ate up every word that Keating said.
“If you die tomorrow, would you regret not giving her that poem Todd, those are the things that you should think about, or not think about, those are the things you should just do, that’s easier said than done”
Keating paused to let the boys process his words before he began speaking again.
“Your assignment is to write a love poem like Todd, you won’t have to read them aloud, I don’t have to read it if you really don’t want me to, I just want you all to think about something”
He looked over at Todd.
“Or someone that you love, Mr.Anderson already has a head start, I’ll give you until next Friday to write them, enjoy your weekend boys”
—————————————
Todd did not want to go to the cave. It’s not that he hated the cave, quite the opposite actually, it felt like home there, everything fit into place like it was supposed to. It was perfect every minute they were there.
The problem was the poets were going to ask about his poem. The poem he still barely had any progress on. Poetry was supposed to be the one thing he was good at, he was failing miserably with his poem.
“I might write mine about Chris, maybe, I don’t know”
“What else would you write it about, you never shut up about her”
Charlie paused before he continued.
“I’m not sure what I’m going to write mine about yet”
Pitts leaned back on his elbows. One shoulder rose in a shrug.
“I’ve already finished my poem, it was one of the easiest things I’ve ever written, I didn’t have to think at all, I just had to write”
“Really”
Everyone questioned Pitts at the same time. Pitts didn’t do much else than spend time with Meeks and work on their radio. Todd could only guess it was about their radio, it didn’t even work. Todd hated the radio honestly, all it did was make static.
“Yeah, I just, thought about h-it, and wrote what came to mind, it’s not the best but, I enjoyed writing it”
Pitts glanced down at his fingers and picked at the skin on his nails. Meeks nudged him with his elbow.
“Well, are you gonna read it to us, or just leave us hanging, we read poetry here, remember Pitts”
“Y-yeah, I mean, I brought it with me, I didn’t really plan on reading it though”
Pitts pulled the paper from his pocket and smoothed at the creases. One the bottom of the page was some math equation, most of the page was filled with words. The rest of the poets waited for a second before Knox spoke.
“Well Pitts, are you gonna share your poem or not, we don’t have all night man”
Pitts rolled his eyes before he cleared his throat and began speaking.
“Light shines from her eyes as she stares into mine. A lighthouse to lead the way when we lose the path that heads back home, a dull twinkle like a star that will lend me a wish. Brown, like stepping stones that will help me find home once I stray from the path. Somewhere I can look when I am lost and confused, a trunk to ground me, and to keep me sane. A key to her soul, a key to every secret that she holds. She would hand them to me if obtainable, though I know they are not. For now the light in her eyes will be enough for us to keep our love”
The poets clapped and hollered once Pitts was finished. He folded the paper back up, before he put it in his pocket he lightly kissed the piece of paper and blushed when Charlie laughed.
“Everyone seems to have a girl recently, Knox, Todd, and now Pitts, I need to get my shit together or something, you’ve never mentioned her before Pitts”
Meeks flicked Charlie before turning to Pitts, he had a soft smile on his face. Todd looked at Neil like that. Todd had never noticed Meeks looking at Pitts like that before.
“Ignore him Pitts, it was beautiful, I really liked it”
Pitts had the same look as Meeks did on his face.
“Thanks, I’m glad you liked it”
That’s how it always was, Meeks and Pitts, Pitts and Meeks. Todd wouldn’t want it to be any other way.
“I always like everything you read Pitts, it doesn’t matter if you write it or not, anyways, have you finished your poem Todd, I know you asked for help a few days ago”
Both Meeks and Pitts were red in the face. Everyone pretended not to notice. It didn’t bug them anyway, why would it.
“I- no, I don’t know, now it’s an assignment with a deadline and I’ve been stuck on it for like a week, maybe more, I’ve lost track at this point”
“You need a motivation boost or something, tell us a bit about it and we can help you, please Todd”
Charlie gave Todd his best encouraging smile and nudge him with his foot from across their circle.
“I have told all of about it, well, almost all of you”
He hadn’t really talked to Neil about it. What would he even say to him about it? Hey Neil, this poem that I’ve been worked up about for a while now, is actually about you, and the more that I write the poem the more you can tell who it’s about. Sorry that I’ve caught feelings for you. Anyways, you can go back to reading lines now?
“Right, you haven’t told me anything about it”
Neil was leaning back on his elbows. Todd watched as Neil looked at him. He looked away after a second.
“As your roommate Todd, I think I’m entitled to know at least a little bit of what you’re writing, I usually do by now”
“I-I don’t know, you do know stuff about it, you’ve heard about it pretty much all day today”
Neil scoffed. Todd tried to ignore how his arm flexed as he moved to sit up more. Stupid Neil and his perfectness.
“Do I know stuff about it though”
“Hey”
Charlie, wonderful Charlie, butt into the conversation. It’s like he already knew everything, maybe he did.
“If Todd wants to share his poem with you, he will, you shouldn’t pressure him into anything Neil, you know that better than anyone”
“You’re right Charlie, I’m sorry Todd, take your time okay, I never have to hear it if you don’t want me to, it would be nice if you’d let me read it though”
The conversation had already moved on, Neil had started to read a poem, Todd didn’t catch the name or who it was by. He was looking at the ground. He felt a shoe push against him and looked up. Charlie was looking at him, one eyebrow raised. He mouthed, ‘are you good’. Todd just shrugged.
The rest of the meeting was pretty uneventful. Knox went on his rant about Chris, Cameron read his poem. It was just like any other meeting. Until the end. They had all put back on their cloaks and were out the door when Charlie grabbed him by the sleeve and let the others walk out of earshot.
“Are you sure you’re okay Todd”
“This stupid poem is gonna make me loose my mind Charlie”
Charlie laughed at that. It was soft and so unlike Charlie.
“Why’s that Anderson, it’s just a poem, it’s something you’re good at, you should worry about it at all”
“You know don’t you, you know who it’s about, please Charlie, I know you know”
Charlie’s face fell a bit. He nodded after a second. Todd felt like he was going to puke any second.
“It’s okay Todd, I have nothing against it, you know Pitts’s poem was about Meeks, if your poem is about Neil then there’s no difference, I’m fine with it Todd, really”
“The difference between Pitts and Meeks and me and Neil, is that Pitts and Meeks love each other, I’m just some queer that’s in love with his roommate and I’m writing love poetry about it”
Tears spring to Todd’s eyes, he wiped them away with the back of his hands and looked at the ground.
“I- Todd, you’re not just some queer, you’re Todd Anderson okay, I know you don’t think that’s a big deal, but I think it is”
Charlie grabbed his shoulders and made Todd look at him. The look on Charlie’s face made Todd want to look away.
“He’s not gonna hate you for this, he could never hate you, you hear how much he talks about you, yeah”
Todd nodded his head.
“Good, it’s okay, Todd, it’s really okay, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, poets honor”
“I-I-I love him Charlie, at least I-I think I love him, I feel so lost, I don’t know what to do, I-I’ve never felt like this towards anyone before”
Charlie rubbed his back and stayed quiet for a second. Todd took that as he needed to say more. Saying everything out loud was gonna kill him.
“I would do anything for him Charlie, I would reach up and give him every star in the sky, every planet, just to make sure he was happy, I would really do anything”
“Wow, okay, you’re starting to sound a little like Knox, let’s stop right there alright, he’s gonna love your poem, no matter how bad you think it is Todd”
Charlie let out a breath and rubbed his temples, he looked like he needed a cigarette.
“He doesn’t treat us like he does you Todd, he’s so much more gentle with you, he, he cares a lot about you Todd, he’s never said anything to me about it”
Charlie shrugged.
“But he looks at you like you hung the moon, and if you would give him every star, I think it could work out”
Todd was speechless for a second. Charlie couldn’t be saying what he thought he was. If he was, there was no way it was right.
“Y-you think he loves me back”
“I-I don’t know Todd, he just treats you differently and looks at you differently, it’s the same look that Knox gets when talking about Chris, so, what else could it be, y’know”
It was silent for a minute before Charlie patted him on the back and started walking. He took a few steps before he turned back to Todd.
“Pull your hood up, I’d say just do it, y’know, carpe diem Todd, what have you got to loose”
Todd pulled his hood up and walked to be side by inside with Charlie.
“Everything Charlie, I could loose everything that matters to me anyways”
Charlie chuckled and shoved Todd lightly. Todd stumbled a bit before regaining his balance. He glared at Charlie.
“Knox and I are supposed to be the dramatic ones in the group Todd, we don’t have anymore room for another dramatic teenager okay”
“You’re telling me Neil isn’t dramatic, that would be the biggest lie Charlie”
They both laughed at that.
“Just tell him Todd”
Charlie said after he had quit laughing.
“I know you won’t regret it, you deserve him y’know, give him your poem Todd, he’ll love it, I know he will”
“I-it’s just nerve wrecking, I’ll think about it, it’s not even finished yet”
They continued walking. It was silent until Todd said something.
“How’d you know about Pitts and Meeks”
Charlie shoved him again before speaking.
“Everyone knows about Pitts and Meeks Todd, literally everyone, and if people have a problem with it, I’ll tell them off, I’ll do the same thing with you and Neil”
“I’ve never thought much about it I guess”
The rest of the poets were already inside. They watched as Neil and Cameron walked in together, they were the last pair to walk in that were by the door. It was usually Cameron and Charlie and Todd and Neil. Tonight was just different.
They had to be quiet going inside. It was too dangerous to talk inside the school. The teachers always freaked out about even a small creak from the old floorboards, they would get in trouble if they were found walking around. It was easier to lie with just two people. If all seven of them went at the same time, there was no doubt they would be caught.
Charlie walked with his cloak thrown over his shoulder and his one hand in his pocket. This was the quietest Todd had ever seen Charlie. It was peaceful and surprising. So unlike Charlie it almost felt fake. They stopped in front of Cameron and Charlie’s room.
“Thank you for being so supportive Charlie, I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t”
“Of course Todd, you don’t have to thank me for that, you can always come to me, with anything okay, I’ll be here for you”
Charlie clapped him on the back before they said their good nights and headed to their rooms. When Todd walked in, Neil was sitting on his bed, he was already wearing his pajamas and laying on his bed. He had left the lights on and was reading a book.
“What took you two so long, I thought you got lost”
“Charlie had to talk to me about something, it wasn’t really that important, I think we figured it out”
Neil adjusted his glasses and raised his eyebrows. He sat his book down and sat up slightly.
“Charlie needed help, glad he’s asking for it, he usually just lets his problems sit until he can’t hold them anymore, it’s good he talked to you”
Neil looked at him for a second with this soft look on his face. Todd couldn’t help but look away from it. Charlie’s words, ‘just tell him Todd’, rang through his head. He could, he could say something right now, he could let the words, I love you Neil, roll off of his tongue like words usually didn’t.
Todd looked back up and met Neil’s eyes. The beautiful brown eyes that he decided to compare to tourmaline stones instead of chocolate, the eyes that Todd loved almost as much as he loved the boy that was connected to them. He needed to say something before he lost the moment he had.
“Neil, I-I have some-“
“I was worried y’know, just a little bit, when you weren’t behind me when walking into the school, I thought about going to look for you and Charlie, then I saw you guys over the hill and I quit worrying”
His moment was gone along with the small amount of courage he had then. Todd cursed Neil’s talkativeness, if he was quiet for just a few minutes more.
“It’s kind of stupid to worry about it you know, I don’t know, I just, wanted to say I care I guess, about what happens to you, I care about you Todd”
“I care about you too Neil”
Todd could have said he loved him then. He blew his chance. He hoped he would get another one.
After their conversation they both crawled into their beds. Neil always slept facing away from Todd. This gave Todd the opportunity to look at Neil’s back. Todd always felt weird about it, but something about watching Neil’s breath slow and seeing him fall asleep helped him sometimes.
Todd drifted to sleep. He fell to thoughts about his poem, and to thoughts about Neil.
———————————————
“There’s not a meeting tonight Neil, and I still have to finished my poem, it’s due in a few days”
Neil was dragging Todd to the cave. Todd loved spending time with Neil, but he really had to finish this stupid poem and being with Neil was not going to help him with that.
“I know, I’ve already finished mine, I just wanted to spend time with you, is that a crime Todd Anderson”
Todd rolled his eyes at Neil. His heart skipped a beat when Neil said he wanted to spend time with him. He would never understand why Neil always wanted to spend time with him.
“Yes, it is, because you’re keeping me from from my homework, that is due soon and I have like no progress on it”
“Liar, you work on it all the time”
Neil was lent back on his arms, the little spot of moon light that showed through the cave was shining down directly on him, even the universe put Neil where he belonged. In the spotlight. Todd hated how beautiful Neil was.
“I know, it’s no where close to done, I can’t put I feel into words, no combination of words could describe how I feel”
“You get really cheesy when you talk about whoever it is, I never took you for a hopeless romantic”
Todd could feel his face light up. He just shrugged and thought, how could you not know that everything I write is about you. He wished he was brave enough to say that out loud.
“Do-do you-”
Did he really want Neil to read it? He would probably figure out that the poem was about him, and it was still messy, but something about how Neil was looking at him and the lighting and everything else about Neil was making him want to tell Neil. He wanted Neil to know.
“My poem, it’s not finished yet but-“
Todd fished the wrinkled paper out of his pocket and tried to flatten it the best that he could. He read it over a few times before continuing in a whisper that he wasn’t sure Neil could hear.
“Do you wanna read it, i-it’s not as good as some of my other poems, I-I think it’s kind of boring honestly”
Neil looked at him with that look again, the one that made all of his worries go away, the one that made him confident, the one that made him feel so in love.
“Are you serious, of course I would love to read it Todd, are you really letting me read it”
Todd held the paper out to Neil, who just stared at it in Todd’s hands. Todd shook the paper when Neil didn’t take it.
“Y-you should take it before I change my mind”
Neil carefully read the paper, when he finished Todd could see his eyes go back to the top. His fingertips ran across the words as he read them. Todd felt like he could suffocate at any moment. Neil eventually sat down the paper and smiled at Todd.
“It was beautiful Todd, I really liked it, it feels pretty finished to me”
Todd’s heart thumped against his rib cage. He shrugged, this felt like the worst time to have no words, but he really didn’t have anything to say. They sat in silence for a second before Neil spoke again.
“You don’t have to answer this but, who’s your poem about, I think I’ve asked before but”
“You already know who it’s for, don’t you”
Neil gave a small smile and shrugged. Todd could have sworn that Neil was closer than he was before. It could just be Todd’s lovesick brain playing tricks.
“I know who I hope it’s for”
Todd could feel Neil’s breath against his face, Todd couldn’t look at him any longer. He didn’t know what Neil meant by that, but like Charlie said, just tell him, carpe diem.
“I-it’s for you, everything I write is about you, for you, every poem I swear”
He watched as Neil smiled and before Todd could process what was happening, Neil was kissing him. Neil’s hand was cupping his cheek and his soft lips were gently pressed against Todd’s. Todd could feel the stubble on Neil’s face and could smell his shampoo. It felt like a dream.
Neil pulled back after what felt like an eternity and laughed. He pressed his forehead to Todd’s and smiled wider than Todd had ever seen him smile.
“Woah, I never thought I’d get to do that”
Another laugh bubbled from his throat, Todd joined him and soon the cave was filled with their laughter.
“I-it doesn’t feel real, I can’t believe you kissed me”
“Of course I kissed you, I’ve wanted to do that for ages, maybe since we met, god”
Neil laughed with so much joy written on his face. Todd didn’t know what he had to do to see Neil like this for the rest of his life, but he would do it in a heartbeat.
“Ha, I just kissed Todd Anderson”
Todd couldn’t help but shove Neil, he couldn’t help but to kiss him again either.
——————————————
Of course Todd’s happiness couldn’t last forever. He was gullible to think that he could have anything as good as Neil. He was so good in the play. Todd kissed Neil again before he left for the play and he planned to kiss Neil afterwards. Neil deserved it, he was so good, so, so good.
Neil’s dad was there. Todd liked to forget about Mr.Perry and all the things he put Neil through. Todd didn’t even get to tell Neil how good he was, how he was made to be on the stage. He was so good as Puck.
Todd went to sleep without thinking much about it. He would get to see Neil in the morning and he would kiss away whatever his father told him. He would fix Neil however he could.
Things never went Todd’s way.
He would have never guessed that he would be woken up to the poets in his room. It kind of pissed Todd off at first because he had all of their Christmas gifts, but none of them were wrapped, so all of them could see what they got. He sat up and that all changed.
The poets all had tears in their eyes. Todd looked around the room at all of them and felt his heart sink.
Neil wasn’t with them.
“H-he’s, he’s gone Todd, Neil he’s-”
Meeks broke out in tears as soon as Neil’s name came out of Charlie’s mouth, and Todd didn’t want to hear anymore of it. He sprung out of his bed and ran.
He didn’t know where he was running to or where he was, he was just running and running. Trying to run away from this nightmare. How could he do anything without the sun by him, without his anchor to hold him down? How could he do anything without Neil?
He fell in the snow and felt the poets around him. That’s the most he remembered from that day, the rest passed in a blur. Every day after that was just the same. Charlie didn’t know if he was going to be expelled, Todd hoped he wouldn’t.
Charlie had been staying with Todd in his room.
“I-I don’t want you getting lonely”
Todd didn’t think that was the reason Charlie was staying with him. Charlie looked just as sad as Todd probably did. He didn’t really care though. He enjoyed the company. He felt so lost.
It started off with Charlie sleeping on the floor. Neither of them acknowledged Neil’s side of the room. They didn’t touch anything or move anything, Charlie slept on a makeshift bed that they made and Todd would sleep in his bed.
After a few days Charlie complained about pains in his back and Todd made room for him on his bed. Neither of them had slept in a few days. They usually didn’t talk, Charlie had been avoiding so many conversations he needed to have.
“I’m probably going to get expelled Todd, I’m surprised I haven’t already”
“I know, I hope you don’t”
They never talked about Neil. Todd didn’t know what to say and just the thought of him made Todd tear up. He hadn’t touched a pen since Neil’s death, he wasn’t sure he would ever write poetry again after this.
Meeks and Pitts always spent time in his room too. Meeks would let Todd copy off of his work so he didn’t fail, Pitts would try his best to comfort Todd, Todd thought it was nice of them. Knox always tried to lighten the mood, but it never worked. Cameron didn’t talk to any of them anymore. Todd still had his dictionary.
Todd stopped sleeping at night and skipped class to sleep during the day. He would sneak out at night and go to the cave. He didn’t care how dangerous it was, he could only stand being inside of Welton’s walls for so long. He would think of Neil and his kiss and cry until he couldn’t anymore.
Of course Charlie noticed this. Todd would try to sneak out of Charlie’s arm at night, but Charlie was a light sleeper and could be woken up by the wind. He never said anything or made any indication that he was awake.
He knew Todd probably wanted to be by himself.
That’s why he wasn’t surprised to wake up and find that Todd had vanished. Charlie was so worried about Todd, he talked even less than before, he didn’t pay attention in any class, Charlie had to practically force feed him at mealtimes. So the times that Todd left worried him.
Tears came to Charlie’s eyes. He just randomly cried now. He liked when Todd was next to him because they could cry together, he could be next to someone who understood how he felt. Todd was probably sitting out in the snow somewhere, and when Charlie was able to see again, he could tell that Todd had left his coat.
Charlie stood from the bed. It was harder to get up than he ever thought possible. He put on shoes and grabbed his coat and Todd’s. Before he walked out the door, Charlie noticed a paper sitting on Todd’s desk. It was his poem.
Todd hadn’t taken it off his person since Charlie could remember. It was kind of shocking to find it on Todd’s desk, just out in plain sight. Charlie walked over to the desk and picked up the paper, it was already unfolded, almost like Todd had been reading it before he left.
Charlie’s eyes scanned over the paper quickly as he read it. He shouldn’t be reading it at all, but since he was, he knew he had to hurry. He didn’t know how long Todd had been out there, he didn't want Todd to get sick. If Todd wasn’t going to look after himself, Charlie was going to look after him. Charlie felt kind of bad for reading it, but he felt like he had to for some, weird reason.
His eyes meet mine, eyes as brown as tourmaline. To read them would be impossible, his thoughts go unseen. Though he speaks the truth more than me. To say I didn’t love him would be a lie, I would hate to say goodbye. A love this forbidden was so unseen, but for me nothing can come between. Oh this boy, with eyes of scapolite, please just stay with me tonight.
The poem left a sad smile on Charlie’s face. He folded it again and stuffed it into the pocket of Todd’s coat. It was perfect for Neil. Charlie wished Todd and Neil had had more time together, he wished Neil and him had more time together.
Charlie pulled a scarf off of the coat hanger and wrapped it around his neck. He walked as silently as he could outside and headed towards where he thought Todd might be. He was right. Todd always went to this small lake that sat on Welton property. He sat on the dock with his legs crossed, he stared into the frozen water.
Charlie threw Todd’s coat around his shoulders and took off the scarf to wrap around Todd’s neck. Todd leaned into him as he sat down. They sat in silence and just stared at the unmoving water.
“It’s gonna be okay Todd, you’re gonna be okay”
While Todd cried into Charlie’s shoulder, one star in the sky was brighter than the rest. The two of them would never notice this, their eyes transfixed on the water, but that star and the two boys were going to be okay. Everything happens for a reason, so this must have been for a reason. The star knew this.
And the universe knew they were all going to be fine.