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Shuichi stumbled into the flower shop. “Hi- uh…” Clearing his throat, he walked slowly up to the counter. “Can I - can I get a ah… A bouquet of roses, please?”
The woman behind the counter nodded and walked into the back, leaving Shuichi time to overthink things. This is going to be fine. He told himself. I’m going to confess, he’s going to accept, and we’ll both be happy. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach. We’ll be so happy. I can - I can do everything I’ve ever wanted to do with him. We can hold hands, and cuddle… I can fluster him and hug him super tightly just to show him I love him… We’re going to be so, so happy.
The woman returned with his bouquet. “Thank you ma’am…” His throat felt extremely dry all of a sudden.
“Good luck.” She said softly, before walking away to the back room. Shuichi took this as his cue to leave and exited the shop.
Alright, I told him to meet me at the playground where we met, so he should be getting there soon… Shuichi reminded himself to take deep breaths and to not freak out. In through your nose, out through your mouth…
Shuichi ran his thumb along his deep blue colored jacket cuff and sighed. This is going to go great. He affirmed. I’m going to do great.
As he approached the park, Shuichi was hit with a wave of nostalgia. God, how long had it been since he’d come here? A while, definitely. Sitting down on the slide, he sighed. This is going to go great.
Kokichi approached a couple minutes later, and Shuichi immediately got up. He hid his roses behind his back. “Ah - hi Kokichi…! How are you?” Smooth opening, Shuichi frowned internally. It’s fine, it’s still going to go great.
“Uhh, I’m fine? Why are you sweating?” Kokichi stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Are you alright? You look super anxious. Did something happen?”
He’s so gentle… Shuichi thought flusteredly. He shook that thought away. I’ll think about that when we’re together. Now isn’t the time to be flustered.
“Ah - no, I’m fine, I just um… have something to a-ask - tell you?” Shuichi’s voice cracked and he progressively became more red. It’s fine. He’ll understand. It’s going to be fine, I’m going to do great and we’ll get together. It’s going to be fine.
Kokichi took one hand out of his hoodie and gently placed it on his shoulder. “Promise? You’re sweating.” He commented.
“I promise.” Shuichi cleared his throat again. “So -... So I wanted to tell you something…” His eyes darted to the floor. “I… I um…”
“Did you kill someone, or…? Did you finally invest in a sex dungeon?!” Kokichi’s eyes lit up. “That’s so cool! And kinky!”
“N-No. Um… ah…” A thorn from the roses pricked him and he hissed in pain. He brought the pricked finger to his front and shook it.
“Hey! Whaddya got? You’re not supposed to get hurt, silly!” Kokichi whined, grabbing his hand. “That’s my super secret organization’s job!!”
“That’s - kinda what I want to tell you.” Shuichi slowly brought the roses to his front and sort of wanted to crawl into a hole. “So -... I…” Crap, this was more difficult than he thought it would be…
“I’m not gonna… get mad at you or something. What’re the roses for?” Kokichi frowned, gently stroked the top of Shuichi’s hand and he almost had a stroke.
“... they’re - … they’re for you. I -...” Shuichi sighed and shook his head. “I’ve liked you since we were kids. And I just… figured I’d confess before we went to college, you know? I um -... yeah. I really like you. A-A lot. W-Will you be my boyfriend?”
…
“What?”
Shuichi gulped. That wasn’t supposed to happen… It was supposed to be instantaneous. Shuichi was supposed to convince him, Kokichi would say yes, and they’d live happily together in a nice little cottage by a river. Simple. Straight to the point.
He snuck a look up. “I-I really just -... want to kiss you right now.”
And Shuichi leaned in slowly, as if it was some sort of romcom moment. He found himself smiling softly and cupped Kokichi’s cheek, but -
Kokichi shoved him. Shuichi was sent to the ground. He grunted and looked up at Kokichi like he’d stabbed him.“Hey! Don’t touch me, you freak!”
...so this was... rejection?
Kokichi didn’t love him, then.
Oh… I’m alone. I’m… I’m alone, he doesn’tlikemelikethatI’mafreakIjustruinedourfriendshipandhe’snevergoingtotalktomeagainhe’snevergoingtotalktomeagainIfuckeditupIfuckedituphehatesmenow. Trying to keep his breathing steady, Shuichi looked back down. Oh, he’d scraped his knees when he fell. They were bleeding, but he couldn’t find it in him to care much.
“Sorry!” Shuichi cried. “I-I’m sorry! I-I-I’m sorry…”
“Look, Shuichi, you’re a good guy. I just… I don’t feel the same way. You’re more like a brother to me than anything.” Kokichi sighed. “You’re just not my type, never have been. I’m sorry, man.”
Shuichi tried to blink away his tears and dug his nails into his thighs. Don’tupsethimdon’tupsethimhedoesn’tdeservetobeupset… He reminded himself, staring at the ground and bit his tongue. “It’s fine, it’s fine, I-I...it’s fine.” Except that was an awful lie, and Shuichi himself could tell how ingenuine it was. “I’m sorry, I-I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t m-mean to upset you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to m-make you - I didn’t mean - to - to screw things up, I didn’t - I thought…” Shuichi babbled, his voice becoming more incomprehensible with each word.
“Shuichi, hey…” Kokichi reached his hand out with a soft expression.
Shuichi scooched away from him quickly and looked at him as if he was holding a bloody knife..
“I shouldn’t have said anything, I-I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t - I thought - I didn’t… I messed it up, I-I’m sorry - I thought that I -...Thought that… that you… “
He gave up and just clenched his teeth together. He doesn’t love me. I’m a freak, I’m a freak and why would he love a freak? I shouldn’t have even tried, I should’ve known that he wouldn’t love me. It’s so obvious. I’m going to be alone forever.
“Shuichi… it’s okay, I’m glad you told me.” Kokichi pursed his lips, and it really didn’t add to his ‘genuine’ approach. “I’d rather know than not.”
So you can ignore me for the rest of your life? Shuichi thought guiltily. You’ll be happier. I’ll be alone, but you’ll be happier. I’m nothing but a burden to you.
Shuichi wanted to go home. Everything hurt, he was exhausted, and he didn’t want to see this park ever again. Somehow, in less than twenty words, he’d ruined his relationship with his best friend.
Shaking his head, Shuichi dug his nails into his thighs. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry… You know he won’t like it if you start crying.
“The kiss was gross, though. Eugh, if you’re going to confess to someone, at least use a chapstick first.” Joked Kokichi, except Shuichi wasn’t laughing at all. “Just a tip for next time. Y’know?”
There won’t be a next time. I’m never doing anything like this again. Shuichi decided.
“OkayI’msorry…” Shuichi sniffled and continued trying to ward off his tears. Which was no easy task, not when the person who just rejected you was making fun of you.
“Yuck, and you should have definitely washed your hair better.” Kokichi snorted. Upon ruffling Shuichi’s hair, he giggled. Shuichi just tried desperately not to start hyperventilating.
“I’msorryI’msorry…” He hiccuped. “I’m sorry.”
Kokichi frowned and gently tapped Shuichi’s nose. “Aw, come on, don’t be like that. It’s fine, I’m not mad or anything. Weirded out, obviously, but not mad. Just don’t try kissing me, ‘kay? Cause that was weird.”
“OkayIwon’tI’msorryI’msorryIwon’t…” Now he just wanted to throw up. His stomach hurt. Everything was screwed up.
“Shuichi…” Kokichi seemed to somber. Probably from seeing how pathetic Shuichi looked, all curled up and trembling. “It’s okay.” In an attempt to calm Shuichi, Kokichi knelt down and moved closer to him.
“I’msorryI’lldobetterIwon’tmentionitI’msorry…” Shuichi shook like a leaf. Kokichi gently grabbed his hand. It took everything in Shuichi’s power to not rip it away.
“Look, I just… trying to kiss me was weird. I don’t like you like that. But I’m not… mad at you or something. Can I hug you?”
Please just leave me alone. I don’t want you to touch me, please just let me go home. I hate this, please let me leave.
Shuichi nodded weakly.
Kokichi wrapped his arms around Shuichi’s shaking form. “Shu…” His warm breath tickled Shuichi’s ear. “It’s okay. I’m not mad, see? It’s okay.”
Shuichi was shivering now. Probably the mix of grief and flusteredness over something that was relatively intimate. “I’m sorry.”
“I know, I know you are. Just calm down for me, okay? Deep breaths. It’s okay, it’s okay…”
Desperate to not cry now, Shuichi started hiccupping. Kokichi rubbed his back. “I’m - sorry…” Shuichi heaved.
“Shh, hey, you don’t have to apologize.” Why did this have to be so difficult? Where did he go wrong with this? “I know you want to cry, I’m not judging you, go ahead.”
That was all it took for Shuichi to break down. His hiccups turned into full sobs. Kokichi just sat there and continued to try and comfort him.
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve him. I don’tdeservethisIdon’tdeservehimIdon’tdeservethisIdon’tdeservehim -
“Hey… Shui…”
“‘Msorry’msorrysorrysorry…” WheredidIgowronghowdoImakeyoulovemehowdoIdobetter?
“Shu… it’s okay, it’s okay, buddy… Shu…”
Shuichi hiccupped and tried to stop crying. I have to be strong, right? He likes strong guys… right? Right??
I’ll fix myself for him. I’ll become what he wants. If he’s happy, I’m happy.
Shuichi forced himself to stop crying. He blinked away his tears and swallowed. You want someone strong, right? I… I’ll make myself strong…
“Sorry.” Shuichi said again and pulled away. He tried to fix his posture and forced a blank face. “I… I don’t know what came over me, I’ll just… I’ll go.”
“Shuichi, what is -”
Shuichi stood up and ignored him. Stumbling slightly, Shuichi dumped his flowers into the trash and he left the park.