Work Text:
The day had been the hottest day of summer yet. The sun was blazing and heated up the whole house. Every window was open and all the fans were on but the heat still powered through and made the boys drip with sweat. It didn’t help that they were trying to pack up most of Kenma's room.
It was the summer before Kenma was off to university and he needed to pack the things he was going to take with him. Coincidentally, Kenma got accepted into a college near Kuroo's apartment. Both boys, including their parents, discussed details and ultimately decided to let Kenma move in with Kuroo for their time in college. Kuroo lived in a 3 bedroom apartment with his roommate, Akito. Kuroo and Akito had been looking for a third roommate shortly before Kenma got accepted into his university. When Kuroo found this out, he immediately prompted the idea of kenma living with them. Kenma worked at an animal shelter near the apartment so he would be able to help pay for rent and necessities, plus Kuroo found comfort in the idea of Kenma being so close to him. The last year, with kuroo not being able to see kenma as much as he liked, was not ideal for him, or Kenma. Neither of them would openly say it but they both depend on each other more than they let on.
Kenma’s parents were gone for the weekend and the two decided it would be the best time to pack up his room. The weather didn’t benefit this activity, leaving both the boys uncomfortably hot. They were currently packing up Kenma's smaller knicknacks, books and various other items from the shelves in his room. Because of this, they were also throwing away unnecessary items and trash. Killing two birds with one stone.
“Jesus fUck, it’s so hot. Hey kuroo, I'm going to make some ice tea ok? It’s too hot for this,”Kenma announced as he was leaving his room and heading to the kitchen.
Kuroo nodded and turned back to the current shelf he was working on. His head bounced to the music softly coming from the computer on kenma’s desk, nirvana. He was currently putting some of Kenma's manga in the box that stood on a stool next to his hip. He put the last manga from this shelf into the box, it mainly consisted of random things from that shelf and moved onto a black box hidden at the back, pressed against the wall. He absentmindedly grabbed the box and opened it to see if anything was worth keeping. Kuroo was about to just dump the whole box in the trash until his eyes caught an envelope with his name on it. Curious, he pulled the envelope out and set the box back on the shelf. He walked over to Kenma's bed and sat down on the edge, turning the letter over in his hands. I’m not invading his privacy if the letter is addressed to me kuroo reasoned with himself before ripping open the envelope. Kuroo pulled out a letter with smudged words written in faded red colored pencil.
Hey kuroo, (sorry it’s red, this was the only pencil i could find)
I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. I tried, please believe me when i say i tried. I tried to stay as long as I could. I really did. It was just… so h a r d. Everyday felt like a chore. Every night felt like a nightmare. Getting out of bed took more energy than I had. The thoughts were just getting too loud. I felt like I was suffocating. I tried to hold on to when you would call, text, visit but it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough yet everything was too much. I can’t do this anymore, I couldn't do that anymore. It’s kinda weird to think about, that when you’re going to read this i’m going to be dead. There was this one memory from when we were kids that i love. We were in middle school and it was lunch. I had forgotten my lunch at home that day and I had planned to just not eat lunch. However when you saw i didn’t have lunch, you casually gave me half of your sandwich like it was nothing. You didn’t even address it, you just did it. I think that was when I decided you were my favourite person. I know i didn’t show it a lot but i loved you so much. You made my days so much better, you made my life so much better. The only reason I was here this long was because of you. I wish i could’ve made it until university. I’m sorry. You know when i found out your apartment was close to the university i wanted to go to i got really excited? The thought of living with you was euphoric. That thought alone kept me going for at least a month. I wish i could’ve held onto it a little longer. I wonder how my parents would react. Do you think they would be surprised? I don't think they will. Oh well. Kuroo can you do me a favour? Can you be the one to tell people? I don’t trust my parents to not say something unnecessary but I trust you. I know it’s a big thing to ask but I trust you the most. I’m sorry. Please, don’t grieve too long for me ok? I don’t want to stop your life. I want you to finish university ok? I know you’re so smart and I want you to finish university and make me proud. You gotta continue living cause there’s so much you could do. You’re gonna get an amazing job and do amazing things with amazing people. I already know shouyou is gonna be a professional volleyball player so you gotta cheer him on for me ok? No matter what team he is on, you gotta support him for me. Remember when we talked about going to Greece together after we watched Mama mia? You still gotta go ok? You know, after the movie i did some research and came up with a plan for us to go. I’m sure you can find it on my laptop somewhere. Anyways, what i’m trying to say is continue life, achieve your dreams, see the things you’ve always wanted to do, do all the things you’ve wanted to do, please don’t let this stop you. I would feel too bad if this stopped you so you gotta do these things ok? For me. Sometimes i like to think about what happens when you die, i guess i’m about to find out. I know you like the theory that you turn into stars. I think it’s beautiful actually but it’s not my favourite. I like to think that we get to live another life. It brings me some comfort that maybe, just maybe, I would get to be truly happy forever. Sometimes I think of another life I would want. It varies but the basic concept is that I get to stay with you forever, living life as peaceful, happy and free as we possibly could. It seems kinda childish, i know, but it’s one of my favourite things to think about. Omg this is getting longer than i planned for it to be. I don’t really have anything else to say. Goodbye kuroo, i’ll miss you. I love you.
Kenma
Kuroo’s tears fell onto his wrist as his hands shook slightly, the letter firmly grasped in his hands. His heart was beating concerningly and unnaturally loud.
“Ok so i ordered take out from that restaurant you like and here’s your t- why are you crying?” Kenma walked in, 2 glasses in his hands before he froze at the sight of Kuroo crying on his bed.
Before Kuroo could answer, Kenma’s eyes darted from the letter in his hands to the envelope on his thigh to the opened box on his shelf. Kenma let out a soft ‘oh’ before placing the glasses on his desk and walking over to sit next to kuroo. They sat in silence for a few seconds before Kenma decided to speak up, “kuroo look-” kenma was cut off by kuroo pulling him into a hug. They stayed like that for a while before Kenma moved to sit on Kuroo's lap, facing him. “Why- why didn’t you tell me?” Kuroo asked softly, absentmindedly playing with the hem of Kenma's tank top. Kenma let out a little sigh, as if preparing himself for the conversation ahead of him.
“It was January and everyone was pretty busy with everything. I’m not gonna go into much detail about my mental state but it was rough.” They shifted so Kenma's arms rested on Kuroo's shoulders, hands playing with the hair at the base of his neck and Kuroo's hands rested at the base of Kenma's waist, his thumbs drawing circles on his thighs. “It felt like everything was going wrong all at once and I didn't know what to do. When I was writing the letter, I was fully prepared to die. I had planned it from the day before. I was about to do it, I had the pills in my hand, and then you called.” Kenma's voice lightened a little at the last sentence and he had a ghost of a smile on his lips, as if recalling a fond memory. “I ignored it the first time you called but then you called again and i couldn’t just ignore you. When I answered, you asked me why I was crying. I said it was because I finished banana fish, which wasn’t a lie, I just finished it a week before.” kenma smiled a little, pausing to look into Kuroo's eyes. Kuroo was staring right back at Kenma, memorizing the face he already knew by heart. Kenma let out another sigh and dropped his smile. “I never told you because I didn’t want to worry you I guess. No one knows besides my therapist actually. It took a lot of begging for her to not tell my parents.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes longer, just staring at each other. Eventually, Kuroo moved his face forward to touch his forehead against Kenma's. Kuroo took a deep breath before speaking, “you know i love you right?” Kenma nodded, still playing with the hair at the base of Kuroo's neck. “Good,” Kuroo hummed before closing the distance between them and planting a soft kiss on Kenma's lips. Kenma melted into the kiss and neither of them dared to pull away. They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing, signaling their lunch was here.
When Kuroo walked into the apartment, it was uncharacteristically quiet. Usually you would hear the soft hum of whatever game kenma was playing. Nervously, Kuroo walked through the apartment trying to find any sign of kenma. The living room looked normal, with their fluffy blue blanket draped over the back of the couch. The kitchen looked normal, the dishes washed not too long before and dinner still on the stove. What was strange was that their bedroom door was opened ajar yet kuroo could hear nothing. Kenma didn’t have work today so usually he would be listening to music while doing homework or playing whatever video game had his interest at the time. Kuroo quietly approached the bedroom and pushed the door open.
Kuroo wanted to scream, to cry, to move, to do something but he couldn’t. After what felt like eternity, Kuroo stepped forward towards him. He looked too pale, too quiet, too still, too peaceful. The white pills made a horrible contrast against his black hoodie. Kuroo reached his hand forward to brush the strands of the bleach blonde hair out of his face. His face was still warm, oh god he was always warm. It always surprised kuroo how warm his body was when his hands were always freezing. Kuroo would've stayed there forever, looking at him, not wanting life to go on past this, if a piece of paper clenched in his hand didn’t catch his eye. His shaky hand reached over, grabbed it and Kuroo used his other hand to wipe his eyes so he could see properly. The paper had smudged words written in red colored pencil.
Hey kuroo,