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"God, why are you like this."
Renjun reluctantly watches Mark as he pops the stick of gum he had just previously dropped onto the sidewalk pavement into his mouth.
"It's fine." Mark answers in between chews. "It was only for a second."
"Disgusting." Renjun grimaces.
In many ways, like this instance, Renjun can't stand Mark. From the ugly graphic tees that make up half his wardrobe choices, to the unfunny puns Renjun is forced to listen to on a daily basis. There are just so many ways Mark Lee is flawed, and Renjun could go on and on about it if he wanted to.
"Renjun."
Mark's right hand pulls at Renjun's waist to tug him towards the older. A car speeds by blowing Renjun's bangs; he's standing at the edge of the sidewalk.
"Oh."
Mark sighs, slipping his hand into Renjun's and giving it a squeeze. "Pay attention or you'll get hit."
He answers with a nod, squeezing the hand in his own back.
Renjun doesn't look, just peeks at Mark to study his face. The boy's eyes are trained on the traffic light that is currently red.
He remembers when Mark's face was so much rounder than sharp, when his teeth would glare in photos from the metal in his mouth, when he sported those thick rimmed glasses that he has now traded in for contacts. Renjun wonders when he even started noticing those changes in Mark or cared so much to think about them in the first place, even though for years he's had an ongoing list of Mark Lee's imperfections. No matter how many things he adds to it, Renjun can't seem to shake off that new feeling he gets now when he looks just a little too long at the older’s face.
"We can walk." Mark pulls at Renjun.
"Okay." He snaps out of his own thoughts.
They walk in sync, hand in hand towards school and the rest of the way Renjun just wonders how long it’s been.
“Fuck you, Mark Lee.”
“Jesus,” Renjun mutters under his breath as he witnesses Donghyuck, a little too aggressively, snatch one of the three red board game pieces before slamming it back to the corresponding starting place.
“What did I do!” Mark yells, to which Jeno has to shush him because they’re in public, and people are starting to stare.
The four boys sit in the small corner booth of their favorite local boba shop. Donghyuck always insists on the corner booth because he likes how the seats stretch out just a little further than the other seating areas. Renjun doesn’t think there’s a big difference, but he can’t stand how much Donghyuck complains if they don’t get there early enough to claim it for themselves. It’s become a routine for the four of them, every Friday after school, to head over, loiter for longer than they should, and drink slightly overpriced bubble tea.
“This is for switching your piece with mine earlier when I was so close to home!” Donghyuck points a finger at Mark’s face whilst yelling even after Jeno insisted they both calm down.
“That’s how you play the game dumbass, I’m not gonna let you win!” Mark weakly defends himself, and all Renjun can do is watch while shrinking further into the booth’s cushions next to the oldest as people continue to stare at them.
Jeno rubs his temples. “Why can’t we play one game of ‘Sorry’ without causing a scene?” He says more to himself than really anyone, but Renjun sympathises with Jeno as they’re both forced to associate with the embarrassingly loud pair.
Donghyuck is ready to retaliate at Mark once again, only to have Jeno place a hand on top of the youngest’s mouth.
“How about-’” Jeno simultaneously stops talking and retracts his arm back in disgust. Renjun assumes Donghyuck has licked his palm as Jeno wipes it against the other’s shirt.
Donghyuck sticks his tongue out, and Jeno just frowns deeper. “- we play something else.”
“Agreed.” Renjun is quick to answer along with a sigh and nod from Mark.
Donghyuck looks like he wants to argue, but one pointed look from Jeno stops him.
“Fine.” He grumbles, and Jeno smiles cleaning up the pieces.
Jeno slides out of the booth with the ‘Sorry’ box in hand and walks towards the front counter to trade it for a ‘less intense’ game to play.
Donghyuck climbs up the seat, and he turns around, peeking his head over the top to yell out, “Grab the Uno!”
Renjun is amazed that, despite how many times they have been coming here, they aren't bored of playing the same four games the store leaves out for customers to enjoy. You’d think they’d be tired of them, but sadly, Mark and Donghyuck will get heated over every game of ‘Sorry’ they play together.
When Jeno comes back, Donghyuck excitedly has his arm extended towards him, gesturing to hand him the small red box that contains the deck. Jeno only pushes his hand aside, sitting down to start shuffling the cards himself to Donghyuck’s annoyance.
Renjun scoffs to himself as he examines pouting Donghyuck tug at Jeno’s sleeve while the boy ignores the other to shuffle. Jeno pretends he’s not paying attention, but Renjun can see that smile threatening to creep its way onto Jeno’s lips because he’s obviously enjoying the other’s whining. Jeno doesn’t seem obvious to everyone else, but Renjun can tell how fond he is of Donghyuck. He’s seen the way Jeno looks at him, and Renjun can’t believe Jeno is so smitten for someone as reckless and carefree in comparison.
Jeno stops shuffling only to hand the deck over to Donghyuck, at which he beams. He takes it and shuffles them once again himself while Jeno smiles fondly at him. Renjun can only roll his eyes at the whole exchange.
“Do you really need to shuffle it twice?” Mark interjects, to which Donghyuck scowls.
“Yes and just ‘cause you said that, I’m gonna shuffle it a third time.”
Mark groans before picking up his drink and sucking at the straw. Mark’s cup lacks any liquid, but he’s still trying to suck up the tapioca pearls that linger at the bottom.
Renjun can hear the airy sucks in his right ear while Mark struggles in his peripheral vision. “Why are you even trying?”
Mark stops to look at the younger. “I’m gonna eat what I paid for.”
Renjun watches Mark for a second longer start sucking his straw again, only for him to choke on a pearl he probably inhaled too hard.
Donghyuck bursts out laughing, still shuffling the deck in his hands, and Renjun pats the older’s back as he chokes.
“Eat what you paid for, huh.”
“Shut-” Mark chokes out.
Renjun is about to answer again, maybe with some snarky response, but he can only frowns when he sees Mark reach out to grab Renjun’s passion fruit green tea.
“Hey-” But, Mark’s mouth is already on the straw, taking heavy gulps of the fruit flavored beverage.
His choking has subsided, and he hands Renjun back his drink. “Sorry.”
Mark can see the slightly peeved look on Renjun’s face as he takes it back in both hands.
“What?”
His eyes are trained on the end of the straw. “Nothing.”
“Do you want a new one?”
Renjun only shakes his head and murmurs an "It’s fine" before hesitantly placing his mouth onto the drink.
It bothers him just a little. Maybe it’s because the thought of using it after Mark is kinda gross. Yeah, that’s it.
“Uno!” Donghyuck cheers as Jeno deals the cards.
“Finally,” Mark says while he yet again is picking up his liquidless cup.
Renjun swipes it from his hands. “No more choking.”
For someone in the top ten percent of his class, Renjun finds Mark really stupid.
Renjun is looking at what seems to be a foreign and charred object smacked right in the middle of a paper plate on his kitchen table. It smells horrible, and he was only gone for 15 minutes.
“What did you fucking do?” He eyes the older who is wearing the fox themed apron Renjun’s mom made for him. It’s covered in flour and other unknown substances that just confuses Renjun to wonder what possible reason he needed those ingredients for, to equal the burnt lump residing before his eyes.
“Haha, you were taking a while, so I took the liberty of starting.” Mark smiles nervously under the deathly glare being sent his way.
“I’d rather you wait then for me to possibly come back to my house on fire.”
“Sorry-”
“Stop.” Renjun points at his face. “Please just go clean yourself up and I’ll make the food.”
Mark’s face glooms as he nods before scurrying out the kitchen.
Renjun sighs at the mess the older left behind. He spends a good amount of time scrubbing charred pans and dirtied utensils. Once he’s done, he doesn’t bother to go with his original dinner plan, but opts to boil two packs of ramen for the both of them.
“Mark!” he calls as he carries over identical bowls from the kitchen counter to dining table.
Renjun questions the lack of response he’s gotten, so he peeks his head into the adjacent room.
‘Nothing.’
Renjun can hear the upstairs bathroom sink running. When he goes up, he stands in the doorway to find Mark still cleaning himself in the bathroom, scrubbing at an unknown stain on the apron.
“Mark?”
“It won’t come out.” He doesn't look over at the younger when he replies.
Renjun can see the deep brown color in the lime green fabric. “It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not. I know your mom made this.” Mark shakes his head and continues to scrub. “I just wanted to do something right for once.”
Renjun smiles sadly, taking a step towards the other and pulling his hand away from the apron. “We can just throw it in the washer, Mark, and if the stain doesn’t go away, well.” He looks at the dejected expression of the other and shrugs. “It happens.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.” He takes the stained item and puts it aside.
Renjun notices Mark, after all this time, has failed to clean his own self up, from dusted flour along his eyebrows and bangs to the brown food-soiled spots on his shirt.
“You should have cleaned yourself first.” He sighs, grabbing a clean hand towel from the small storage box in his bathroom.
Renjun runs it under warm water before stepping in closely, taking the liberty to wipe the older’s forehead himself.
Mark’s expression hasn’t changed in the slightest.
“Stop being sad, it’s fine.” Renjun brushes the wet cloth over his furrowed brows.
“I can’t help it.” Mark mumbles.
Renjun stares at the sorrowful boy’s face and pinches his cheek fat.
“Renjun.” Mark struggles to say as he squeezes harder at the skin. “It hurts.”
“Smile.”
“Stop hurting me then I will.”
He lets go only to be greeted with a fake but toothy grin.
“Thank you.” He pokes the older’s nose before scrubbing again.
Although he's practically done getting the grime off, Renjun can't help but linger; maybe it's an excuse to stare at the features of the older's.
He eyes the small mole below Mark’s left cheekbone before pressing a finger on it.
"Hm?"
"Your mole." Renjun answers.
"Something wrong with it?"
Renjun only grazes his thumb over the skin. He leans in closer.
"Renjun?"
Renjun pulls his face back, shoving the cloth onto his cheek.
Mark instinctively mutters out an 'oof' at the sudden wet towel.
"There's," Renjun bites nervously at the inside of his cheek, "um, something on it."
"Oh, did you get it?"
"Yep." Renjun steps back from Mark, grabbing the soiled apron and towel. "Go change while I throw these in the laundry, so we can eat, you know where the spare clothes are."
"Okay." Mark sighs while leaving the small bathroom first.
Renjun is about to walk out after, but stands alone thinking about how close he was earlier.
'What a bad lie.'
It’s 1:42 am when Renjun hears tapping on his window.
Anyone else would probably be terrified to hear the sound at that time of night, but this is normal for him when he sees his cell phone screen light up on the bedside table.
“Mark Lee.” He mouths, reading the caller ID from where he is laying.
He watches it ring and lets the tapping on his window go on for a couple seconds longer. He feels like he needs to mentally prepare himself for this.
Renjun reluctantly sits up to lean against his bed frame, reaching out for his phone and swiping the green circle to the left.
“Can I come in?” Renjun doesn’t even get the chance to speak first.
“Yeah.”
He can see his window slide up and a leg stick its way in followed by an arm, a body and then a face.
Although it’s dark, he can still make out almost everything about the boy standing there in the middle of his bedroom, the familiar oversized light wash denim jacket that both he and Renjun have worn on several occasions. He’s wearing a hoodie underneath, probably that dark green zip up he has four or five of because whenever he loses them, he drags Renjun with him to buy a new one from Target. His bottoms are a pair of pale blue skinny jeans, along with the same Old Skool black vans he’s been running around in for the past two years. This sight is too typical for the younger.
“Hey.” Mark breathes out softly.
“Hi.” Renjun is now sitting up, looking at him.
“Can I have-”
“Clothes are where they always are.” Renjun knows the routine, leaning over to his bedside lamp to switch it on.
The lights flicker, and Renjun has to squint until his eyes adjust. Once they do, he can finally see the older looking disheveled, face puffy and just an overall mess. He doesn’t ask. He has a feeling he’ll be finding out soon.
Mark’s eyes blink several times before he starts to walk over to the closet, pulling out some sweatpants and a t-shirt from the top shelf.
Renjun turns away when he sees the older take off his outerwear and lift up his shirt. He’s seen Mark undress before. It’s so stupid how embarrassed he gets now.
Renjun doesn’t look, but can tell when he’s done from the shadow that extends onto his bedroom wall of Mark’s dressed figure.
When Mark walks over, he’s about to lift up Renjun’s comforter until Renjun extends his hand over to stop him.
“What?”
Renjun points at the facial towelettes and wet wipes on his desk.
“Seriously?”
“Yes, you were just outside, I’m not laying next to you unless you do so.”
Mark sighs walking over to the desk, opening the facial wipes to start wiping his face and then the other ones for his hand and arms.
“You’re lucky I don’t force you to take a whole shower.”
“Yeah, yeah I know.”
Renjun used to make him shower, but he can’t lie and say he hasn’t softened up lately.
When Mark walks back over, Renjun squints. He now notices the red-ish purple spots around his lower neck and frowns. He really wishes he couldn’t see them.
Mark, this time around, gets under Renjun’s comforter, laying his head on the spare pillow to the right side of Renjun’s bed. Renjun is still sitting up crossed legged, and they stay silent.
Only the sound of soft breaths fill the room. Although it’s been several times over the course of several years, it's become harder for Renjun to deal with these types of nights when Mark shows up like this. Renjun’s hands get clammy, and his heart doesn’t feel like it can be at peace.
Mark finally lets out a heavy sigh. “We fought again.”
“Again?” He’s not surprised.
“Yep.” Mark lets out a breathy laugh.
“You didn’t want to go home after?”
“My parents were fighting too.”
“Oh.”
That one Renjun didn’t expect.
“I went over there in the first place because of my parents...” He trails off.
Why didn’t you just come here first?
He wants to say so badly, but he waits instead.
“... I went, and it was fine at first. I don’t even remember why I was so mad?” Mark pauses. “It was just really bad.”
“Huh, more than usual?” Renjun bites his tongue after he says it. It doesn’t come out sympathetic like it should be. It sounds like how he would say it to himself in his head.
Renjun can feel the bed move as Mark sits up to look at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You guys fight a lot, didn't think it could get any worse.” It’s blunt, and Renjun doesn’t return Mark’s gaze.
“What the hell?”
“What?” Renjun finally looks at Mark, and his expression scares him. He looks angry, but mostly confused.
Mark doesn’t get the chance to speak because Renjun’s mouth moves faster than his brain. “I’m just saying, how can I tell when you fight twice a week and not to mention coming back with hickeys on your neck like you probably had a swell ass time?”
Mark is silent, and Renjun doesn't know why he keeps going.
"Everytime after, you ask me what you're doing wrong, but whatever I tell you, you'll never listen." Renjun closes his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. "Why do you even bother to come back here anymore?"
Mark doesn't respond, so Renjun opens his eyes to look.
Mark’s bitter expression falls, and Renjun watches the hurt in his face appear. He can see the older’s eyes well up until there are tears that start spilling onto his cheeks.
Shit.
“Mark, no, please.” Renjun softly whispers, holding up his hands that are covered by oversized long sleeves to cup his cheeks.
Mark closes his eyes, and Renjun continues to wipe tears.
“I’m sorry…” Renjun continues to barely whisper. “I’m really sorry.”
Renjun presses his forehead to Mark’s. “I’m just tired, I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
Mark continues to cry quietly, and Renjun doesn’t bother to continue explaining himself.
Minutes pass, and the crying finally stops, but Renjun still rubs at his cheeks.
“Can we sleep?” Mark murmurs.
“We can.”
Mark lifts his face from Renjun’s forehead to lay down, and Renjun follows shortly after, turning off the lights first. They lay on their sides, facing each other. It’s dark, but Renjun can see Mark’s face just enough from the moonlight shining into his room. He offers Mark a weak smile, and he mirrors one back.
Mark rustles in his spot, and Renjun thinks he might turn on his side to face the wall, but he scoots closer, lifting up his right arm. It’s not like it’s new, but it’s still a recent thing that Mark offers this invitation. Renjun remembers it; never questioned the first time, but hates how he can feel the flooding anxiety beneath all that warmth. His raging heart is bound to be loud enough for Mark to hear. Despite all this, Renjun won’t ever say no, never to Mark when he’s like this.
Renjun scoots underneath the older’s right arm. He always forgets how warm Mark is, or how thin the fabric of the shirts he saves for Mark are. It smells like his own detergent, but with a mix of Mark's smell. He can’t put into words what that scent is, but it’s always been familiar.
Mark lowers his arms, snaking it around the smaller boy’s body and burying his face in Renjun’s neck.
He sighs into the younger’s skin which causes him to shiver despite how warm the breath is.
Mark rubs circles into his back before he mutters, “I’m sorry too.”
“It’s okay.” Renjun says softly. “We’re okay.”
“You guys are what?”
“We’re dating.” Jeno says as he bites onto his honey mustard dipped fry.
“Since when?” Renjun can’t even sip at his chocolate milkshake. He’s honestly baffled.
“Last week.” Jeno picks up a chicken tender; this time dipping it in the yellow sauce. “I confessed.”
“And?”
“We made out.”
“Gross.” Renjun mutters before leaning down to sip his straw.
“Thanks.” Jeno says, biting the tender before any sauce drips off and onto the table. “I’m pretty happy.”
“I would assume.” Renjun says, stirring the thick liquid. “You’ve liked Hyuck for a while.”
“Not as long as you’ve liked someone.” Jeno looks away inconspicuously.
Renjun frowns. “We came here to get away from those two.”
Jeno shakes his head, finishing the tender in his right hand and drinking his Coca-Cola. “You mean, you came here to get away from Mark and forced me to come along, so we can talk about how ‘feelings suck and fuck relationships’.”
“I don’t sound like that.”
Jeno continues to sip his drink, and Renjun waits with arms crossed.
“Okay, whatever you say.”
“Fuck you Jeno, what happened to being on my side.”
Jeno looks like he wants to pick up another piece of chicken, but he sighs instead. “Renjun, do you know why it took me so long.”
“What?”
“Why it took me so long to tell Hyuck.”
Renjun’s eyes narrow. “What was it...”
Jeno picks up a single fry to point at Renjun.
“You can’t be serious.”
Jeno eats the fry and thinks about it before answering. “Yes and no.”
Renjun is about to open his mouth, but Jeno puts up his finger and speaks before him. “It was both of us honestly.”
Jeno picks at his plate and thinks. “When we started coming here together and talking about things like they’re never bound to happen and joking about the ‘what if’s. It made me feel like it was okay not to try because we both weren't gonna take that risk, or that we shouldn't hope for it anyway."
Jeno looks to see if Renjun wants to speak, but he just stares at his milkshake.
“Why were we so hard on ourselves, why are you so hard on yourself? Aren’t you tired of getting upset about this, now that you’ve figured it out, don’t you want to do something?”
Renjun thinks over his words before sighing deeply. He doesn't have anything. “I don’t know, Jeno.”
“Yeah, well no one’s gonna waltz up to you one day and tell you want to do.”
“I can’t believe you’re lecturing me because you got into a relationship.” Renjun scowls.
“I’m lecturing you ‘cause I’m your friend who cares about your emotional wellbeing, I’m not here to tell you to get into a relationship and that it’s gonna solve all your problems.” Jeno stares at Renjun and then at his half empty plate. “I just know what we were doing, feeding off of each other’s insecurities, it's like we've been convincing ourselves we're not good enough.”
Renjun looks at Jeno and exhales. “Where are you going with this?”
“I’m saying we needed to both get out of our asses and not be so hard on ourselves, but you especially need to give yourself more credit.”
Renjun squirms in his seat, uncomfortable.
“Geez, don’t make that face, I’m trying to help you.” Jeno glares.
“Okay, I know.” Renjun drinks his melted milkshake.
“So just, be a little more optimistic and do things for you. Stop putting yourself in that position where you get hurt for the sake of him or think your wellbeing is worth less in the situation. Mark can handle it.”
“But-”
“There’s nothing you could tell me that will convince me otherwise.”
Renjun goes silent and stares at the broken mini jukebox on their table.
"And maybe think about telling him, too. You've known him for years, and sure, say he might not feel the same…" Jeno smiles softly at his friend across the table, "but he is still going to care about you, whether you like it or not.”
Renjun’s mouth goes into a thin line as he thinks about it. “Okay.”
Jeno smiles, and his eyes form into crescents. “Good.”
The waitress comes over with their check right at that moment, and they pile together cash for their separate orders before getting up and walking out the diner front doors.
As they’re walking towards Jeno’s car, Renjun stands in front of the passenger side, and he stops. “Hey, Jeno.”
“Yeah?” He has his hand on the car roof.
Renjun opens his own door. “Fuck feelings still.”
When Renjun brings his hoodie’s sleeve to his nose, he grimaces at the smell.
It reeks of burning ash from the fire pit that is currently dwindling down. He should probably take off the sweatshirt since it’s not cold enough outside to be wearing it comfortably, but at the same time it feels wrong, almost exposing.
He stares at his white converse as they rest on the cemented stone built around the metal pit. His shoelaces are untied, but he doesn’t bother to deal with them.
He’s currently the only person outside; after the barbecuing was done, and food was moved indoors. There’s no reason he should be out here, in front of the dying fire, but his thoughts are too scattered to talk to anyone or be surrounded by people.
It was fine when he first got there, but Jeno announcing he and Donghyuck are dating in front of all their friends threw him off. It’s not the cute little speech Jeno gives about being whipped for two years to finally put on his big boy pants and confess.
No, the part that bothers him is the aftermath of Mark nudging Renjun to lean over and whisper, “It’s funny to think that we’re all known each other for years and they ended up together.”
Renjun doesn’t like the sound of that sentence out of Mark’s mouth.
It’s hours later, and he’s still thinking about it, about what Mark said, what Jeno said to him the other day, just too many things. He’s definitely overthinking.
He’s so out of it that he jumps a little in his seat when the glass sliding door to the house opens from afar.
Speak of the devil.
Mark steps out with a Sprite in one hand and a Coke in the other, using his elbow to close the door behind him before walking over.
“Can I sit here?” He nods at the seat beside Renjun.
Renjun examines him: his black baseball cap is on backwards, he’s wearing a long sleeve black shirt along with denim straight fitted jeans that are rolled up at the bottom. His vans are carelessly shoved on, so his heels are sticking out, Renjun assumes he didn’t bother to put them on properly when he came out here. He doesn’t know why the sight of him is so annoying right now.
“I’m sorry sir, do I know you?”
Mark rolls his eyes. “Haha, very funny.”
Renjun smirks until Mark walks closer to bring the green soda to his face.
The younger shrieks when the cold can is pressed against his skin. He swats the hand away and rubs at his left cheek, wet from the condensation.
Renjun mutters an, “I hate you,” pulling out the chair next to him, and Mark smiles.
“Sure you do.”
Once Mark sits down, he cracks open the Coke and holds it out for Renjun, which he takes in his sleeve covered hands. He’s about to open the Sprite for himself until he notices Renjun’s laces.
He gets up and starts tying the left shoe.
“You don’t have to do that.” Renjun says, bringing the Coke to his lips.
Mark is already on his right foot. “What if you trip?”
Renjun scoffs. “The house is like ten feet from here, I think I can make the journey back alive.”
Mark shrugs, having already done it, before sitting back down and opening his respective can.
They don’t talk. They just quietly and drink their sodas. Renjun is a little bothered to hear the sipping sound from Mark’s lips on his own can, but not enough to say anything.
The silence is broken when Mark places his drink on the flat stone next to Renjun’s shoes and sighs.
“My parents are getting a divorce.”
Renjun spits some of his Coke out, choking on the rest that was already making its way down his throat.
“Oh shit.” Mark breathes out before scooting over and patting Renjun’s back until he stops coughing.
Renjun stares at the Sprite can he was pretty close to kicking as he choked, thinking about what to say. “Shit, I’m so sorry that’s happening.”
Mark doesn’t respond, but he’s still patting Renjun’s back.
“When did you find out?” Renjun puts his can down beside the green one and moves his feet off the stone onto the gravel.
“Last week.”
Renjun looks at Mark’s face. “You didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t want to explain the situation more than once...” He trails off.
Ah, that’s it.
Renjun should have figured. He never comes to him first anymore. He expects it, but he still feels the twinge of pain in his chest when Mark answers.
“I’m always second to find out, huh?”
Guilt is probably the expression on Mark’s face right now. “You know I don’t mean to, it just happens.”
“Are you sure, because I’m starting to feel like I’m always your second option.”
Mark opens his mouth to respond, but closes it causing his lips to form a line.
Renjun, in disbelief, stares at the older. “Holy shit, I really am that to you.”
Mark looks panicked before pulling off his cap to run his hands through his hair. “Look I’m sorry, I know I don’t come to you for things.” He holds his hat in his hands, playing with the adjustable strap. “It’s hard for me to talk to you.”
“We’ve been best friends for six years, are you serious?”
Mark looks away. “I’ll come to you first from now on.”
“That’s not what I’m asking you to do Mark.” Renjun sighs. “I want you to talk to me, I don’t want to force you.”
“It’s fine, you’re not forcing me.”
“Mark, seriously,” Renjun tugs at the other’s sleeve. “I know you feel more comfortable telling-”
“We broke up.” Mark cuts him off, finally looking at Renjun again.
Mark dropping all this information at once onto Renjun makes it feel like his head is spinning. “Wait, what?”
Renjun has one hand on his forehead, pushing his bangs out his eyes, while the other is up towards Mark. “When does all this happen!?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot!” Mark frantically tries to explain. “I just couldn’t deal with all the stress anymore so that happened last night, and then I realized I needed to tell you all this, but I didn’t know when, so I thought tonight would be okay-”
“Slow down.” Renjun grabs both of Mark’s wrists. He has been nervously waving and gesturing his hands as he speaks. “Breathe, it’s fine.”
Mark looks at Renjun, and he closes his eyes shut before exhaling. “It’s a lot for me to handle.”
“I can tell.” Renjun releases his grip on both wrists, but he lets his left hand hold Mark’s right. “Just tell me everything, I won’t interrupt this time, I promise.”
Mark smiles softly and nods. “Okay.”
They talk, but Renjun doesn’t know for how long or how much he and Mark cry. Although, he does realize it’s long enough for someone to notice their missing presence when Chenle yells out the back window of the house. “Come inside nerds!”
He and Mark scatter to wipe their faces and grab their empty cans to bring indoors.
When they both get up to walk towards the glass door, Renjun notices Mark’s grip still on his fingers.
“You can let go.” Renjun gestures, looking at their hands.
“What-" But, Mark is cut off from a yelling Donghyuck.
“Children, it’s like 12 am!”
“Shut up, you’re literally a year younger than me!” Mark yells back, still holding the other’s hand in one as he opens the door with the other.
Renjun doesn’t bother to pester Mark about it again when they continue doing so inside as well.
He’s not sure if he hates it or likes it because although Mark’s hold is gentle and his hands are soft with the occasional rubbing of his thumb on Renjun’s fingers, he can’t stand Jeno’s smug and knowing look.
“Can I draw a dick on his face?”
“What? No!” Renjun harshly whispers at Donghyuck before slapping his right hand holding an uncapped marker.
“My marker!” Donghyuck yelps as he watches it roll under the couch.
Renjun looks behind him to see Jeno holding a cookie and casually watching. “Control him.”
Jeno blinks, biting his cookie and slowly chewing just before he answers. “Hey Hyuck, stop.”
The youngest is on the floor with his arm shoved under the couch, aimlessly looking for his marker. “No.”
Renjun frowns looking at Jeno for a response.
He only shrugs. “I tried.”
Renjun walks over and takes Jeno’s half eaten cookie. “You don’t deserve my baked goods.”
He doesn’t try to snatch the cookie back. He knows when to not pick a fight he can’t win. “If I stop him can I have it back?”
Renjun nods while holding up the cookie.
Jeno sighs while looking between the chocolate chip treat and his boyfriend on the ground. “Hyuck do you wanna go and get some ice cream?”
“Ice cream?” Donghyuck springs up from the ground.
“Mhm.” Jeno nods, holding his hand out towards Renjun. “I’ll drive.”
Renjun scoffs, but hands Jeno the cookie.
“Okay!” Donghyuck says a little too loudly, and Renjun shushes him.
He rolls his eyes at Renjun. “Mark wouldn’t wake up to the sound of police sirens, it’s fine.”
He’s right, but Renjun is trying to be considerate.
At that moment, Mark lets out a snore, and they all look at him. He’s passed out on Renjun’s couch and has been for the past 20 minutes. Renjun assumes he got bored while the three of them were baking cookies. He wouldn’t let Mark come into the kitchen to watch. He can’t take the chance of a house fire, not again.
“You gonna stay with him?” Jeno half chews his cookie and half speaks.
“Yeah you guys can go.” Renjun shoos them away.
“Suit yourself.” Donghyuck says, linking arms with Jeno. “Let’s go.”
Jeno smiles at the younger, pressing a kiss on his nose. “Okay.”
Renjun pretends to gag, and Donghyuck throws him the middle finger.
Jeno eats the last of his cookie and tugs Donghyuck towards the door to leave, but also so he and Renjun don’t end up bickering even more. “We’ll be back, don’t let Mark die while we’re gone.”
“I can’t promise that but okay.”
Jeno lets out a laugh as he’s slipping on his shoes. Donghyuck finishes first, running out the door, and Jeno closes it behind him, leaving Renjun standing in his living room to look at Mark’s limp body.
He doesn’t look comfortable. The length of the couch is too short for his height, so his legs scrunch at their ends. He’s teetering on the edge, so 3/4 of his back is probably supported while the rest hangs off along with his left arm slouching onto the carpeted floor.
Renjun walks over to the side where the older’s head is laying and squats down to poke his cheek softly.
“Mark.” He whispers.
Mark mutters in response, but nothing coherent enough for Renjun to understand.
Renjun presses his finger deeper. “Mark.”
“Hm?” He shudders a little with his eyes half lidded.
“Go sleep in my room, you don’t look comfortable.”
Mark turns on his side to stare at Renjun, poking his face back. “Too far.”
The younger grabs Mark’s hand, standing up and waving it along with his arm. “Get. Up.”
Mark lets out a long groan before reluctantly throwing his legs off the couch and sitting up. “Lead me up the stairs.”
“What are you, a baby?”
The older whines. “I’m sleepy, what if I trip and fall.”
“I’m totally okay with that.” Renjun says while helping the other get up and on his feet.
“Mean.”
Mark is pouting, and Renjun wants to slap the expression off his face. It’s a little gross, the sight of it alongside messy hair, groggy features and wrinkled clothes, but Renjun admittedly still finds him cute.
“Let’s go idiot.” Renjun holds his arm to guide him to and up the stairs.
Mark may stumble on the first step, but Renjun has no problem dragging him up the rest.
Once they get to his room, Mark immediately walks into the bed, face planting into the covers.
“Lay on the bed right.” Renjun smacks Mark’s back.
Mark shifts his body lazily, so he’s no longer laying where his feet stick off the sides.
Renjun is satisfied and about to exit the room until Mark whines once again, but it’s muffled into the sheets. “Don’t leave.”
“Why, what do you need me for?”
Mark lifts his head to look sadly at Renjun. “I don’t want to be alone.”
The younger shakes his head in disbelief, but nevertheless walks over to sit at the edge of the bed anyway.
Mark looks delighted before he plants his face back into the pillow with a faint, “Yay.”
It’s quiet, and Renjun isn’t too sure when Mark will fall asleep, so he pulls out his phone to occupy him. While he’s trying to focus on his phone, he stares at the back of Mark’s head, reaching his free hand to card his fingers through the black locks.
Mark sighs into the pillow, and Renjun chuckles.
He can barely hear it, but he can make out the muttered, “Thank you” from the older.
“No problem.”
Renjun continues doing this till Mark turns away from the pillow to breathe and is softly snoring. Once he does, Renjun drags his fingers through his hair one last time, before petting the top of Mark’s head to flatten any loose strands.
He puts his phone down to admire the older’s sleeping face. It’s not the most flattering, but he’s used to seeing it. He’s become too fond of it, way too fond of Mark in general. He wonders if this is okay and if he’s doing too much for Mark. Is he going easy on him when Mark has hurt him to this extent recently? Renjun felt like Mark was living at the expense of his suffering, but he couldn't help it. He cares too much about Mark.
Renjun sighs while closing his eyes. “I’m too in love with you.”
Renjun wakes up thinking it'll just be another one of those nights. He gets a call and expects to rub his sleepy eyes open to the sight of Mark Lee coming through his window, except tonight's different.
Renjun is outside Jeno's house at 2 am, restless. He's waiting for Jeno to come out because he's the only person he knows who owns a car and would drive him across town at this time.
When Jeno steps out, he closes the front door slowly. He looks cautious, probably because his parents don't know he's out doing this.
He jogs over with a look of confusion, but he doesn't ask questions. He could hear Renjun's urgency over the phone ten or so minutes ago when he called to wake him up.
Jeno motions for the both of them to get in. He quickly starts his car and begins driving.
Renjun is quiet, and the atmosphere is tense for Jeno. He doesn't know what he should ask or what's going on. He just knows that Mark is the only thing on Renjun's mind right now.
"Will you be okay?" Jeno glimpses at his passenger seat.
"Yes." Renjun looks dazed. "Don't wait for me, drop me off and go home."
Jeno's grip tightens on the wheel, but he doesn't tear his eyes off the road. "You sure?"
"Positive."
They arrive a little over 15 minutes later.
Jeno stares at the oversized house he's parked in front of, with flashing lights and loud music filling the street.
"Call me if you need something, I'll be up. I won't go to bed until you text me you're okay."
Renjun nods while getting out of the car.
When he closes the door behind him, before he can be out of earshot, Jeno yells from his rolled down window. "Don't do anything stupid!"
Renjun shoots him an 'okay' with his hand before pulling out his phone to call Yukhei.
"Are you here?"
"Yeah."
"We're in the second floor bathroom."
Renjun says "okay" as he pushes his way into the house, ignoring all passing bodies to run up the stairs. He's taking quick glances into rooms to find anything that resembles a bathroom. Yukhei catches his eyes first before the bathroom fixtures do, and he frantically looks for Mark next.
"He's over there." Yukhei points to Mark who's sitting on the floor, face in his arms and legs to his chest.
Renjun mouths a 'thank you' while the other nods in response. "I'll leave you two alone."
Renjun's glad someone like Yukhei exists in Mark's life because no one would save his ass at things like this. You wouldn't catch Jeno, Donghyuck or himself around these places, so he's relieved someone he trusts will be.
"Mark?"
He doesn't verbally respond, just shakes his head.
"Mark? Can I see your face?" Renjun tugs at the fabric of the older's shirt sleeve.
Mark lifts his head slightly, eyes peeking out.
Renjun forces his arms away to get a good look at his face.
Mark doesn't bother to fight it, but he doesn't meet Renjun's eyes when he stares in disbelief at the bruising color spreading on the older's face.
"What were you thinking?" He brings a hand to touch Mark's face.
Mark winces at the sudden touch, but still doesn't answer.
"Mark talk to me?"
He finally looks at him, voice scratchy and strained. "Can we go home first, please?"
Renjun wants to be angry, yell at Mark for being an absolute idiot and ask him what the fuck is going on, but he doesn't. Renjun only nods his head.
He helps the older get up. His steps are slightly staggered, so Renjun can assume he's not completely sober.
They head outside, thanking Yukhei on the way out before heading over to Mark's car.
Renjun pats Mark's pants to retrieve the keys, successfully pulling them out his back pocket, but Mark grips Renjun's wrist with the keys in hand.
"I'm driving." Mark scowls.
"Hell no." Renjun tugs his wrist away, but Mark's hold doesn't unlatch.
Renjun backs into Mark's passenger door, pinned up against the cold glass and metal of the rover. His shirt is awfully thin since he didn't consider dressing warm when rushing out of his house earlier that night. He can feel the ice cold surface against his spine. He shivers not only at the touch, but also at the glare Mark gives him.
"You don't have enough practice to be driving."
It's true, Renjun's only driven the occasional time his dad lets him: to and from the grocery store, school or his grandparents house; it's always been during the day too. Despite this, he would rather take the risk than let Mark drive in his current state.
"Well you're not sober."
"I am." Mark growls.
"Don't lie to me and say you didn't drink."
Mark only sighs, nodding his head down. "It wasn't much, okay."
"It was still enough to get you punched and almost fall on the walk here." Renjun shakes his wrist pinned against the window. "Stop being stubborn. You're pissing me off."
"I'm pissing you off?" Mark's voice almost scares Renjun. The unfamiliar hostility shakes him, but he refuses to let this go so easily. He's not gonna fall with a timid 'sorry, I shouldn't have' and let Mark have this so easily like he always does.
"Yes, for almost giving me a heart attack in the middle of the night! Do you know what was going through my head when Yukhei called telling me you were hurt and got into a fight? I know your dumb ass isn't sober, but for one second, use your head and consider how I feel!" Renjun nearly screams the last words.
Mark stares, dejected, loosening his grip on the other's wrist.
"I'm sorry," is all he mumbles, lowering his head onto the smaller's shoulder.
Renjun pulls his wrist from Mark's grip, tucking the keys from his palm into his own pocket before embracing the older. One hand coming to pat his head while the other coming to hold the hand he was previously pinned with.
"I was worried, okay."
Mark nods against the thin material of Renjun's white tee.
"I care about you so much, Mark."
Mark lifts his head to meet Renjun's eyes. Renjun doesn't shy away from his gaze or the close distance this time. He adjusts his hand from the back of the older's head to touch his face for the second time tonight.
Mark's breaths aren't nearly as steady as earlier, and he doesn't seem as focused. His glance flickers down just momentarily, but Renjun catches it nonetheless.
"What are you thinking about?" Renjun asks softly.
The older doesn't seem caught off guard, just distracted. He looks again, longer, not bothering to hide it this time.
"Deciding."
Renjun looks at Mark's lips now, slightly parted and bruised red.
"What might that be?" Renjun's fingers come up to Mark's sideburns.
"If I deserve you."
Renjun knows what’s happening next when Mark's nose grazes his own and his own hands are coming up to grip at Mark's hair. But there was still no way he'd be prepared for the reality of it.
Mark kisses him.
Through all the confusion and anger, Renjun kisses him back.
Renjun didn't ever imagine their first kiss to be like this, or for something like a kiss between them to exist at all, let alone pinned up against Mark's beat up car breathless and confused.
When Renjun breaks away from the kiss, Mark quickly presses his lips beneath the younger's collarbones.
He grips Mark's shirt tightly as he trails up his neck, holding his breath, scared as if he'll break under the touch.
"Renjun."
He's surprised by his own name, letting air back in his lungs.
Mark brings his lips to meet Renjun's once again, continuing to mutter his name through rough motions.
Renjun stops kissing, letting his lips linger on the other's. "You're going to regret this by tomorrow."
Mark presses against his mouth again, and Renjun whines.
"I doubt I'd regret you." Mark whispers.
Everything feels fuzzy next. Like when Mark opens the doors to his back seat settling Renjun inside, kissing him feverishly. There's warm touches of skin against his. There's whispers of words and exchanges Renjun finds too good to be true.
He remembers the last thing he did that night though. When he goes to text Jeno.
"I'm home, and I didn't listen. I think I did something stupid."
Renjun wishes that when he’d closed his eyes, the image of Mark from eight nights ago looking at him breathless with puffed lips wasn't permanently burned into his eyelids at this point. It’s not a sight he dislikes, more like it severely inconveniences his everyday functioning.
He has come to the conclusion that he just won’t close his eyes anymore, or maybe he’ll blink fast, and it’ll be okay.
It’s not okay.
“Renjun, isn’t that burning?”
He doesn’t realize his dad is standing next to him. He probably has been for a while, watching him stare off as his sunny side eggs burn.
He lets out a yelp before removing the pan from the heat and turning off the stove.
Embarrassing, how does someone burn eggs?
Scratch that, he’s seen Mark burn eggs, and now he’s thinking about him again, fuck.
“Are you okay Jun?”
Renjun snaps out of his thoughts and weakly smiles at his dad. “I’m okay, I just didn’t sleep well last night.”
His dad goes to grab a clean pan and eggs. Renjun assumes that he’ll be using it to make a new batch that they can actually eat. “Seems like it’s been more than just last night.”
Renjun sighs, untying his apron and throwing it onto the back of a kitchen chair. “Is it obvious?”
Renjun’s dad nods while keeping his eyes trained on the egg he cracks on the kitchen counter and opens onto the pan. “What’s keeping you up?”
Renjun chews on his lip, contemplating. “Uh. School?”
“You say that like you’re unsure?” His dad turns around this time with a frown. “Does this have to do with your friends? I haven’t seen Mark around here lately.”
Renjun’s lips flatten into a line at the mention of his name.
Watching his reaction, his dad goes, “Ah,” picking up the frying pan to slide the eggs onto a plate. “Did you guys fight?”
He reddens at the thought of the other night again, but decides answering with a “yes” should suffice.
His dad puts out plates for Renjun and himself, settling in a chair at their dining table. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Renjun grabs a bottle of orange juice and apple juice from their fridge along with two cups before walking over to the table to take a seat himself.
“It’s a little hard to explain...” he trails off.
His dad only nods his head while grabbing the orange juice to pour for himself. “It’s a shame, you guys are very close though.”
“Yeah...” Renjun answers weakly while pouring apple juice into his own cup.
“I thought it was strange. I haven’t heard him come in during the past couple of nights.”
Renjun only blinks at his dad while processing what he just said.
“Wait dad, you knew about that?”
Renjun’s dad shrugs while taking a sip from his drink. “I may be a heavy sleeper, but I’ve been awake long enough on some nights to see Mark trip outside my window once or twice on his way in.”
Renjun snorts at the thought. “He’s not very graceful.”
“I can tell.” His dad smiles before taking a bite of his breakfast.
“You're okay with it though? Mark coming all those nights?” Renjun nervously taps his spoon's handle.
“You guys have known each other for quite a while, and Mark’s a good kid. I know you're looking out for him, and I trust you to pick good people as your friends.” His dad nods his head in thought. “You’ve always been a good kid, Renjun.”
Renjun feels embarrassed. Like a broken record player, his dad always tells him that. He thinks it might be due to the lackluster coming of age he’s experienced so far, considering he’s never been caught skipping school, out at parties, or disobeying curfews. Renjun doesn’t mind though, he’s never felt like he’s missed out. Growing up the way he did will always be enough when he knows staying out of trouble keeps his dad happy.
“Thank you for always trusting me.” He mumbles a bit into his apple juice. He’s bad at saying these things to his dad.
“No reason I shouldn’t.” His dad smiles before staring off. “Make sure you don’t take too long to talk to Mark.”
Renjun shifts the food on his plate. “I know, I know.”
“It’s probably hard for him too right now, I heard about his parents.” Renjun’s dad gets up, taking his finished plate to the sink. “Fight or not, try to be there for him.”
Renjun’s heart sinks in realization that his house had been Mark’s safe haven while things were bad at home. Now it’s been days, and they haven't spoken ‘cause of this stupid thing they did off of complicated feelings and impluses the other night. His chest hurts a little at the thought. “Okay, dad...”
His dad dries his hands and walks over to pat his son’s head. “Will you be okay?”
Renjun nods. “I will. I’m gonna talk to him.“
“Good.” His dad ruffles his hair. “If you need anything, let me know.”
Renjun fumbles, “Thanks dad,” wishing he could say more and express his gratitude better. He’s hoping it sounds sincere enough.
“You’re welcome.” He says whilst exiting the kitchen.
Renjun hums in response.
Now, he’s left alone to stare at his half eaten eggs in deep thought.
How do I do this?
Going to school isn’t as bad as Renjun thought it would be. Considering Mark’s an upperclassman, this gives Renjun a very different schedule than him. It works in his favor.
The part that doesn’t is Donghyuck and Jeno, who do practically have identical schedules to him. The first time he uses “I don’t feel so good to hang out much,” it works, but after a little over a week, it starts leaving people suspicious. Specifically, the one crumbling Renjun’s solution of ‘avoiding your problems and things will eventually sort themselves out’ kinda thing is a curly brown haired nuisance. It’s the ninth day of ‘avoiding his problems,’ and he finds himself cornered on his way to his locker in the afternoon.
“Hyuck, please move, I need my things.”
“Hm, maybe tell me what’s been wrong the past week, and I’ll move.”
Renjun frowns, looking around the corridor of other students getting their things to go home. “Is Jeno here, can he make you move?”
“Nope, he's walking Mark home. I told them to go first.” Hyuck leans back onto the metal surface of the locker, arms crossed. “Now spill, Huang.”
Renjun rolls his eyes. He doesn’t like the thought of sharing the details of said problem, but he doesn’t like being in school any longer than he needs to be. “Me and Mark aren’t talking, so there. Now move.”
Donghyuck’s eyes narrow. “I figured that much already, but you're not telling me why?”
“Hyuck, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, are you just gonna continue being mopey for who knows how long?” Hyuck shakes his head. “I’m genuinely concerned. Jeno said to leave you be, but I’m tired of seeing you like this.”
Renjun notices that in the short time he’s been blocked from accessing his locker, the hallway has emptied out of students. He’s not sure if he’s more or less nervous to talk now. There is the lack of people around him that puts him at ease, but he’s still not exactly into the idea of being vulnerable in front of Hyuck alone.
“Things are awkward between me and him, something happened but...”
“But?”
“It’s just hard for me to face him, okay.” Renjun grits his teeth a bit because his body is making it hard on him as the anxiety bubbles up in his gut.
“You don’t have to tell me exactly what happened, but just enough for me to help?”
Renjun doesn’t answer as he tears his gaze away from his persistent friend onto the shiny metal of his locker, thinking about what to say, but an answer never comes.
Donghyuck sighs before chewing on his lip, looking hesitant to ask something. “Look, do you like Mark?”
Renjun shivers at the question. “What?”
His friend scratches the back of his neck, puzzled on how to continue. “I kinda knew, Jeno’s not good at keeping secrets, but don’t think I didn’t figure it out too, I’m not blind.”
Renjun feels like shrinking in his place. Although he’s shaking at the thought of being so exposed, he responds with a scoff. “I really don’t want to talk about this with you.”
“Why do you say it like that?” Donghyuck looks taken back.
“You just wouldn’t understand.” Renjun shifts his weight from his right foot to his left. He feels uncomfortable in his own skin right now. “Like with you and Jeno, he’s always liked you. You weren’t the one looking at him all this time, you aren’t on my side of the situation.”
“Renjun, seriously? You say that like I wouldn't ever understand how you feel? I still get it, the feeling of being in that position really sucks, but how are you so sure he doesn’t like you?” Donghyuck ruffles his own hair in frustration. “I think you’re jumping the gun here because Mark-” He abruptly pauses before frowning even more.
“Mark what?” Renjun squints.
“Look just, I think you should talk to him.” Donghyuck finally steps away from Renjun’s locker. “Trust me on this.”
Renjun doesn’t like the sound of that, but he won’t complain. He doesn’t want this conversation to go on any longer. “I guess.”
“That doesn’t sound very genuine.”
“I just don’t know when I’ll do it yet.”
Donghyuck puffs his cheeks only for a second. Suddenly his face is clear of any emotion. It is as if a lightbulb goes off in his head. “So you’re willing to talk to him, right? No more avoiding?”
Renjun doesn’t like that look he has. “Yes?”
“Okay, this is good.” Donghyuck places a hand on Renjun’s shoulder. “It should be fine if Mark goes to you first then.”
“Wait, what?”
Donghyuck takes off in a sudden sprint down the school corridor, pulling out his phone.
Renjun’s brain clicks in that moment, slamming his locker shut and taking off after him. “Wait! What the fuck are you doing!”
Donghyuck is holding his phone in one hand while pushing open the school’s doors to exit outside. Once Renjun makes it out past the double doors as well, he swears he hears Donghyuck go: “This is what you have to do Mark-”
“Donghyuck, I swear, if you say anything!” Renjun is making his way towards the younger one as he runs.
He can’t hear much of their conversation past that, but he finally catches up to Donghyuck after traveling two blocks.
Donghyuck, out of breath, replies with the last sentence of ,“You better not fuck this up,” before hanging up and smiling at the older who is equally as out of breath as him.
“What-” Renjun pants. “-did you just do?”
“I’m helping you out.” Donghyuck slaps Renjun’s back and offers a smug grin. “You’ll be thanking me later, trust me.”
Renjun, still out of breath and now sweaty in his hoodie, slaps Donghyuck back on his arm. “I really hate you.”
Luck has not been on Renjun’s side today.
He’s already started his morning with a record breaking three hours of sleep since the incident. Not to add that he has also ripped his favorite pair of jeans while tripping on the way to school. Donghyuck suggests "it's pretty fashionable if you think about it," but not really if it's a big gaping hole, on only one side of his knee. Also, he’s pretty sure his biology teacher said their lab is on Monday, but that’s not what Jeno suggests when he asks Renjun if he has everything ready for today because, indeed, he does not. The F he receives stings his A average, but it’s okay, Renjun tells himself, the day can’t possibly get any worse.
“Oh, Renjun.” His dad taps his shoulder.
“Hm?” Renjun asks while reaching for the family size cereal box of frosted flakes on the top shelf.
“Isn’t that Mark?”
Ah, it can get worse.
He looks over to the right where his dad is pointing to see Mark staring right at him.
Renjun drops the box as he trips back from the shelf, causing it to fall right onto his face.
“Renjun!” His dad goes over to examine him as Renjun clutches his nose.
Renjun can see Mark flinch between the moments the box hits his face and now when he’s rubbing at his sore spot.
Of course, he can’t enjoy even a trip to the supermarket with his dad after everything he’s been through without life throwing one last ‘fuck you’ to his day.
He’s hoping Mark pretends he didn’t just see that happen and walks away, but it’s a shame that Mark is too nice for that.
He sees the older look over at his mom pushing their respective shopping cart, point over, and say something to her before starting a small jog over to the aisle they’re in.
Renjun’s brain goes into panic mode as he quickly gets over the sting on his face, pulling at their cart. “Hey dad, juice, we need more juice.”
“Wait, but your face!”
“It’s fine! Really!” Renjun’s eyes quickly shift back and forth from his dad to Mark closing in distance.
“Are you sure?”
Renjun is aggressively nodding his head, hoping for his dad to brush off the topic and start walking again, but it’s a little bit too late when his dad notices Mark himself and turns around.
“Mr. Huang, Renjun-”
“I’ll go get the juice myself!” Renjun exclaims at a volume that is definitely not appropriate for most public places, cutting Mark off in the process to then bolt out of the aisle.
Mark probably chases after him. Well, he assumes so after hearing a “Wait!” when he turns the corner into the produce section. Renjun doesn’t bother to check if Mark follows; he’s just looking for a place where he won’t come off as suspicious while avoiding Mark.
When he crosses the baked goods, he crouches down and hides behind the wall of bread. He pretends to look at the sourdough like he didn’t just run across the store a minute ago in a panicked frenzy. When he peeks his head out slightly to the right and over the bread, he witnesses Mark stop briefly in the aisle before shaking his head and continuing to the next.
He sighs while standing to his feet. He’s safe for now but he can’t hide in this aisle forever. He should really get back to his dad.
Renjun texts his dad to ask him where he is while looking back over at the bread and grabbing a loaf of whole wheat for their shopping list.
Renjun doesn’t expect his dad to answer fast, so he heads off with some bread now in his hands to the juice aisle. He's thinking it would probably be weird to show up without the said thing he claimed he would go looking for.
While he skims the shelves, Renjun can’t help but feel nervous, as if a wild Mark Lee will mysteriously materialize right before him. He knows he told Donghyuck he’d stop avoiding Mark purposefully, but saying it compared to actually doing it is not that easy. As much as he wants to face Mark, his brain and body keep telling him no. And although the thought of confronting Mark scares him to pieces, he can’t help but miss the other boy too. His normal everyday isn’t the same without his best friend, but after that night, things would have never been the same anyway.
Renjun is too scared for what comes next after this, after the day Mark finally catches up to him, and they have to resolve this. What’s going to happen to their friendship? What’s going to happen to them? He doesn’t think he’s ready for those answers, but he doesn’t know how long he’ll have ‘til then to prepare.
He’s too deep in thought to realize he’s already in the ‘cold foods’ aisle. It’s only until he spots the bright color of his dad's favorite brand of orange juice that he notices.
Renjun opens the clear refrigerated door to reach for the carton behind the first one on display, and at a perfect time too, as his phone vibrates the second he closes it.
Pulling out his phone and skimming the message, he frowns to read his dad already bought everything on their list and he’s waiting outside.
Renjun groans while he puts the orange beverage back. He lightly jogs to the front of the store while also slipping the bread onto a random shelf he passes on the way out. Once he’s outside, he takes the walk through the parking lot to his dad’s van, only to tense up at the sight of Mark helping his dad load their groceries.
His dad smiles and waves while Mark awkwardly does the same with bags in their other hands.
“You came back right as we finished,” his dad says while he and Mark simultaneously place their bags in the trunk of his car. “Mark offered to help after you ran off, and he couldn’t find you.”
“Oh, wow.” Renjun lets out a nervous ‘haha’ in between his sentences. “Thanks, for helping my dad.”
“It was no problem Mr. Huang.” Mark says while looking between Renjun and his dad.
His dad pats Mark’s back as Mark looks anxiously at Renjun. He seems like he wants to say something, but Renjun looks away from Mark, hoping he won’t.
“It’s been a while since you had dinner with us, Mark! Why don’t you maybe join us later tonight?” his father suggests.
Renjun thinks his dad has truly betrayed him in his worst hours.
“Uh,” Mark hesitates before shaking his head ‘no’. “My mom is home tonight, so I’ll be eating with her, thank you for the offer though Mr. Huang.”
Mark checks his phone before looking back at the store. “Speaking of my mom, she’s still shopping inside, so I should go.”
His dad nods with an “okay” before patting Mark’s back for the last time.
Mark smiles at the both of them as he starts walking away from the car. Just when Renjun thinks Mark’s going to completely walk past him, he feels a sudden tug at his arm.
Mark leans over to Renjun's left and with a light squeeze of on the younger’s wrist he whispers, “Call you tonight, okay.”
Renjun brings his hands up to his ear and turns back to look at Mark who has already let go waving goodbye at both him and his dad.
Mark has already gone back into the store, but Renjun only now realizes what he said. “Okay...”
It's 1:56am when Renjun’s eyes shoot open at the sound of the ringtone he specifically set for Mark.
He forgets for a second that this hasn’t been a thing for several days. That Mark calling him right now is no longer normal for them. He really doesn’t want to pick it up.
Renjun lays still, eyes trained on the ceiling. Maybe he’s imagining it, but he’s too anxious to let it go on any longer than past five rings. He sits up to grab his phone.
“Hello.”
“Hi, can I come in?”
Renjun is silent as he stares at the shadow cast through his curtains; he’s thinking about saying no.
“Please, it's cold out here.”
He sighs, massaging his forehead. “Fine, you can come in.”
As expected, the window opens and Mark steps in. It almost feels like any other night, seeing the older boy dressed in his green hoodie and ripped jeans.
“Hi.” Mark has already taken off his shoes, holding his vans in one hand while he stands in the middle of his room with a clumsy grin on his face.
Renjun wishes he could pull his covers back over his head and sleep, maybe pretend this Mark Lee is a dream.
“Hey.”
Renjun looks between Mark and the closet with the clothes he normally leaves out for the other, but Mark just shakes his head. “It’s okay, I don’t want to stay if you don’t want me to after we talk.”
The younger of the two frowns. Of course he’d still let him stay, he’s not gonna make Mark leave despite how badly he does not want to see him right now, but he only nods before he pats the edge of the bed.
“Oh but-”
“Take the offer Lee, this is the one time I’ll let you sit on my bed without nagging you.”
Mark quickly nods his head a bit too much before he drops his shoes and makes his way over. He settles at the edge, and Renjun can finally see his face. It’s been days since the incident, but he remembers the purplish bruising and didn’t realize earlier in the day that it has now been replaced with a yellow like color instead, darker than his natural skin tone. Renjun surprises Mark and even himself when he reaches out to hold the older’s cheek.
He thinks he sees a new color bloom on Mark’s face. Maybe it’s blushed with pink when his thumb grazes the other’s cheek, but he’s gonna pretend he didn’t see that. “Hm, it’s gotten better.”
“Yeah, it has.” Mark hesitantly lifts a hand up, hovering it over Renjun’s own.
He wants to snort when he sees the boy in front of him take quite a while to decide if he should place his hand on top of Renjun’s or not. Eventually Mark does so, touching delicately over top and brushing his thumb against the spot of the younger’s mole.
Renjun thinks it's cliche for feeling like time at this moment has stopped for the both of them. He’s not as scared as he thought he'd be, having Mark in front of him after everything that’s happened. In a way, it’s almost healing to see Mark this close. He feels warm.
Mark closes his eyes and sighs. “I wanna be honest with you. Completely and totally honest.”
Renjun nods silently, afraid if he opens his mouth he might start stumbling over his words because his beating heart feels agonizingly trapped in his chest.
Mark opens his eyes, tilting his head slightly into Renjun’s palm even more. He stares at Renjun as if he’s tracing his face in his head to remember all the little details. The younger squirms in his spot because he doesn’t like the longing look or staring that's pointed very closely to what might be his lips.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?” Mark snaps out of his trance-like stare.
Renjun shoves Mark’s face away, pulling his hand from his cheek and pushing his index finger against the older’s forehead. “That look.”
“Huh?” Mark looks offended now, rubbing at the spot he was just jabbed at.
Renjun squints, scooting away from the older. “You’re doing that thing with your eyes. Like you’re going to kiss me or something.”
Although it’s dark, Renjun can clearly see Mark blush under the dim light of the moon shining in from his window.
“Was it really that bad?” Mark mutters.
“That’s-” Now Renjun is the one blushing. “That’s not the point! I meant, why are you looking at me like that now. You didn’t do that before.”
Renjun can see Mark’s brows furrow. “I’ve always looked at you like that.”
His chest tightens at the implications of those words. “Don’t mess around.”
“I’m not.” Mark frowns. “I told you tonight I’m gonna be honest, and I’m honest when I say I’ve always felt that.”
"I don't understand." Renjun mumbles, looking away from Mark and down at his sheets.
"Renjun…" Mark shifts on Renjun’s bed nervously. He closes his eyes, fisting the fabric of his hoodie where his chest is. “This- god this is hard.” He pauses, sucking in his breath. "I've been wanting to tell you this. I wish I realized sooner." He pauses once more to release a heavy sigh. "I really like you. It took me a while to figure this out myself, but I really really like you.”
Renjun’s voice trembles a little with his question as he looks up. “You’re serious?”
“Absolutely.” Mark turns away shyly.
Renjun’s voice comes to a whisper. “How long have you?”
“Six years.” Mark doesn’t hesitate.
The smaller of the two can start to feel his eyes sting. He brings the blanket to cover his face; he’s too flustered right now. “Mark we’ve only known each other for six years.”
Mark at first blinks confused when Renjun hides under the covers, but panics when he hears a quiet sniffle. “Wait, are you crying, oh my god.”
“No-” Renjun hiccups.
Mark tugs at the comforter which is the only thing protecting Renjun’s pride right now.
“Hey, will you look at me, what’s wrong?”
Renjun whines, inching down the duvet. “Heart, it-” He pauses before mumbling, “feels funny.”
Mark is silent to his response, and Renjun is scared as to why, but he doesn't want to peek past the safety of his bed sheets just yet.
“You’re, so cute.” Mark says in awe.
That there is Renjun’s limit because of those words. He lifts the blanket up entirely, hiding away and completely engulfing himself in his comforter. After, he proceeds to lay down and roll to the other side of his bed. He’s thinking maybe it’s not too late to pretend he’s dreaming.
“Hey! Wait, don’t do that.” Mark’s voice sounds like he’s pouting, and he doesn’t doubt that he is. Renjun can only imagine it, and he’s not in the state of mind to be able to handle the real thing right now.
“No.” The response is drowned out in the bedding on top of Renjun’s head.
Mark is persistent though. He pulls around the covers, and Renjun yelps when the blanket is tugged up, creating an opening. He’s about to slap the older’s hand away, but he’s surprised when he sees Mark stick his leg and himself inside, closing them both in.
Renjun can no longer see Mark. It’s even fainter than before, but he can make out the shape of his face, and hair that falls onto his eyes.
“What are you doing?” Renjun wished the question would have come out more irritated than timid.
“I wanted to see you.”
“Can you even see me right now?”
Mark slightly laughs. “More than out there, yeah.”
Renjun feels his face heat up at the proximity. He’s not supposed to avoid Mark anymore, but he's scared.
“You know.” Mark sounds nervous with his pause. “I’m positive it's been 6 years. It has to be because this feeling I get has been here since that day you invited me for dinner that one night in elementary when I told you I wasn’t eating because my parents were both out.” Mark laughs at the thought of old memories. “You made that meal all by yourself ‘cause your dad just got home from work, and you didn’t want to bother him. That's the same day you found out I couldn’t cook to save my life because I started a fire after two minutes of being handed the pan.”
Mark scoots closer to Renjun. “You teased me for months about that, but I remember right after it happened, you only came running into the kitchen to ask me if I was okay, you look so worried, like you would cry, and I felt so terrible about it.” Mark places his hands, that were previously at his side, to lay limp on the bed in front of his face. “Even after all that, you still kept inviting me over. It meant everything to me, those times, because being with you felt more like home than my actual one ever did.”
Mark smiles sadly at the younger. “You know, it’s always been there, the feeling. I always wondered if it would eventually go away. I kept thinking, ‘maybe this was the same as how I felt about Jeno or Hyuck?’ but it wasn’t. I thought I’d get over it. I didn’t want to chase it because it couldn’t have been right? You’re supposed to be my best friend.” Renjun can see Mark’s eyes look puzzled. “I tried relationships because people came to me first. I thought they’d help me figure out what I really wanted, but it only kept leading me back to you.”
Renjun’s heart feels like it’s swelling up at the words. He doesn’t answer, but moves his own palm to silently slip into Mark’s.
"There was something I kept telling myself.” Mark pauses, glancing at their hands before intertwining his fingers with Renjun’s. “I kept thinking ‘I don’t need to act on this’, even though I so badly wanted you-" Mark looks into Renjun's eyes, biting his lip. "I don’t absolutely need you, I don't think I deserve you. I feel like all I've done is hurt you when it's the last thing I want to do. I wanted to be good at this, be good as a friend, but I messed up that night.” Mark sighs and closes his eyes. “That night, I meant what I said. I wouldn’t regret you Renjun, but what I was really scared of is if you’d regret me.”
“Mark…” Renjun barely whispers.
Mark opens his eyes, and he hums in response.
While shuffling over to close the distance between him and Mark, he lets go of his hand. Mark is surprised, but lifts his arm in front of him to place it over Renjun’s waist instead.
Renjun then presses his face into Mark’s neck, working up the courage to ask. “Will you kiss me again Mark?”
He thinks maybe it’s quiet enough that he won’t hear. A part of him hopes he won’t, but he knows Mark has when he feels him shift his head down to mutter into his hair. “Yes.”
Renjun reluctantly looks up. He can’t see Mark very well at all, but he fidgets when he feels skin press against his lips. It’s warm, it’s soft, everything feels cozy.
It’s so different from their first kiss. Mark’s a lot more gentle and slow, pressing delicately against Renjun’s lips. He tugs at his waist, and Renjun slides even closer into Mark’s embrace.
Although it tickles where the hairs of Mark’s bangs brush against his eyelids and the rough denim of Mark’s ripped jeans tangled between his own bare legs isn’t a feeling he so much enjoys, everything still feels perfect.
Mark pulls away slightly, resting parted lips between Renjun’s own and breathing softly. “Is this okay? Do you want me to stop?”
“It’s okay.” Renjun presses them back onto Mark’s once again. “Please don’t.” He mumbles into it.
When Mark hears those words, he kisses Renjun again, but with a little more force and urgency.
During the kiss, Renjun’s right hand finds its way to the back of Mark’s neck, dragging his hand up his scalp to which he can feel Mark smile against his lips once he does so.
When Renjun parts briefly for air, Mark nods his head down, and to the younger's surprise, he bites at Renjun’s lower lip.
He nervously lets out a noise which causes Mark to laugh before lightly biting at Renjun’s lip again.
Mark lightly sucks at the bottom lip, and Renjun, flushed and embarrassed, tugs the hair clutched in his palm.
Once he stops, Renjun moves for Mark to kiss his lips once again instead, so Mark does, sighing happily into the kiss.
"You're perfect." Mark mutters.
Renjun can't help but stop kissing and laugh into the other’s lips. "I highly doubt that."
He can feel Mark pout with a "no" against his mouth, and Renjun is so satisfied he can now kiss that pout away.
"I have millions of flaws, I could probably go on forever."
Renjun hears a 'hmph' from Mark before the grip on his waist is tightened, and he's forcibly rolled onto Mark's chest.
Renjun yelps in the process of being handled roughly. Mark yanks the blanket off both their heads, so what previously was a vague Mark-like silhouette is now his face, fully bathed in moonlight.
"Let's hear it then." He smiles, lifting his right brow and propping up his elbows to slightly sit them both up. "This list?"
Renjun places both his hands on Mark's chest to sit himself up on his lap. His face heats up at the sudden smugness of the older, but he doesn't want to show it. "You're annoying."
"Hey, I thought this was about you." Mark frowns.
Renjun chuckles. "It'd probably be way easier for me to do a list about you."
"Ouch, that's mean." Mark pouts for the third time of the night, and Renjun doesn't hesitate to kiss this one away as well.
"They're not always a bad thing." Renjun smiles, moving away from Mark's lips to kiss the mole on his cheek. He's always wanted to do that.
"Like?" Mark says questioningly while bringing his hand up to hold Renjun's waist, drawing circles with his thumb against the peeking skin.
"Your graphic shirts are really dumb."
"Wow, I feel better about myself already."
Renjun does his best to stifle a laugh. "But they're always funny, they make me smile, you make me smile. Like your jokes, too, they’re pretty horrible." Renjun looks at Mark lovingly. "But you try so hard, and when no one laughs I think it's so cute because you get so embarrassed."
Mark's face is beet red as he listens to Renjun. "Okay, I wish I didn't ask now."
"Well too bad." Renjun smirks as he continues. "You laugh so much, sometimes is a bit excessive but it's really cute, like when your nose scrunches-"
"Okay-" Mark, embarrassed, draws out the 'y' in his word. "No more of that!" Mark flips Renjun once more, and he's now on his side.
Renjun wants to argue, but Mark kisses him again in order to stop him.
He tries to deny Mark, but Mark only frowns, deciding instead to make his way to Renjun's neck to leave kisses there.
Flustered, Renjun hits Mark's shoulder when he feels him nibble above his collarbone. "What are you doing?" He mumbles.
"Do you want me to stop?" Mark mouths against the skin.
Renjun doesn't reply, only tugs at the back of Mark's hair. "I don't care." He mutters.
Mark snickers a bit before continuing. "If you say so."
Renjun closes his eyes while Mark does this. He leaves soft kisses and light marks on his neck. He especially gets nervous when Mark lingers in places too long, nudging him to move because he gets embarrassed.
"Hey Mark." Renjun tenses when Mark kisses his adam's apple.
"Hm?" His skin vibrates against the sound.
"I didn't get to say it. You probably figured it out but," He's trying not to whisper and be clear with his words. "I really, really like you too."
Renjun didn’t think this was what it'd be like to now be dating Mark.
Renjun covers his face with his free hand, trying his best not to make eye contact with anyone.
"Ah, and you call me and Jeno gross." Donghyuck snorts.
"I told him to let go." Renjun mumbles.
"Yeah. No, I'm not letting go." Mark smiles, holding his phone in his free hand.
"Whipped." Jeno mouths towards Mark at which he then attempts to hit Jeno with his phone in hand.
Renjun thinks it's cute that Mark insists on holding his hand all day, but he finds it really distracting that Mark only grips Renjun by his pinkie or his two fingers. He feels like he's walking a child around rather than his boyfriend, but it is admittedly very cute, very annoying as well.
"Can we just go get some bubble tea? I'm already embarrassed as is.”
"Do you hate it that much?" Mark asks sadly.
Renjun hisses curses under his breath before answering. "It's whatever."
"I think that means he likes it." Donghyuck points.
Renjun swats the youngest away, and Jeno sighs, stopping Donghyuck from retaliating back.
"No more." Jeno hooks his arm through Donghyuck's own. "Lets go."
Donghyuck frowns, reluctantly following Jeno while Mark and Renjun follow behind.
Mark glimpses between the two in front of him and his boyfriend before quickly pecking a kiss on Renjun's cheek. The younger giggles in response.
"Gross, I saw that." Donghyuck eyes them.
Renjun throws him the middle finger, and Donghyuck overdramatically makes an 'O' with his mouth.
"If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have a boyfriend!" He tries to point at Renjun’s face, but Jeno pushes his hand back.
"Hm, yeah, he's kinda right." Mark shrugs.
"Huh, what did you even say to him?" Renjun lifts his brow, questioning, at Donghyuck.
"I just threatened that I'd show you his really bad baby photos of us when we were young if you guys still weren’t talking by the end of the week."
"Wait, so I don't get to see them?" Renjun frowns.
"No-"
"Ten bucks." Donghyuck cuts Mark off.
"Deal." Renjun shakes Donghyuck's hand.
"Hey!" Mark looks frantically between them. "Jeno stop them!"
Jeno only shrugs at Mark. "Can I see them too?" He raises his hand.
"Yeah sure, they’re free for you because you're cute." Donghyuck nods.
Jeno smiles. "Nice."
"What the fuck? Guys!" Mark yells. "You can't do that!"
Their walk to the boba shop continues with more bickering, but mostly between Mark and Donghyuck.
Renjun can't help but smile when Mark finally gives up, sighing before looking at his boyfriend.
Mark looks like he wants to say something to Renjun out of annoyance, but Renjun’s thought is faster. "Hey, you're cute."
Mark blinks at the sudden compliment probably abandoning his previous thought because Mark decides to look forward instead of speak. He has an obvious red creeping up to his ears and face. He's silent for quite a bit.
"You're the cute one." He mumbles in response.
Renjun holds back a laugh while giving Mark’s hand a squeeze. He probably put a lot of thought into that.
Renjun can't help but eventually let out the laugh he's held in while Mark is blushing profusely next to him.
"Stupid and cute." Renjun gets out through his chuckles. That's just the way Renjun loves Mark.
Mark whines out a "Hey!" but Renjun just continues to walk not minding any of Mark’s words.
Renjun tunes out the embarrassed complaints from his boyfriend. He can only think of one thing.
He looks at Mark still stringing together a protest before he blurts out the random thought. "You make me happy."
Mark shuts his mouth hearing the words. He has a stunned look on his face. He shifts his gaze to the pair in front of them to make sure they can't see or hear. After a nervous peek Mark leans over to Renjun to peck him quick on his lips.
Renjun blinks at the sudden touch and brings a hand to his mouth.
"I want to keep making you happy." Mark mutters. "I haven't always done it well in the past, but I promise-"
Mark stops mid sentence to look at Renjun in the eyes. He squeezes the small hand in his own and breathes out. "I'll keep you happy."
Renjun feels warmth fill his chest. He's never expected this for them, never in a million years but he's glad this is their reality. This is now going to be the normal for them.
Renjun nods his head at the older’s words. "Okay Mark-" He swallows down the bubbly feeling in his throat and smiles. "I'll hold you to that."