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Surprisingly, Yoshizawa was the one to point him in the direction of the ring. Everything that happened after that was Goro’s fault also her fault because of it.
If not for the fact they’d spent two days in vain walking all over Tokyo, Goro doubted he’d take a suggestion from the woman who had once been – still was? – in love with his boyfriend. But Ann had looked tired, taking any chance she could to sit down while Yusuke grew more and more distracted by the shiny jewelry.
Goro had thanked them as they separated at the train station, and planned to go straight home for one more round of internet scavenging when Yoshizawa spotted him at the platform.
She had annoyingly-cheerfully greeted him with the usual platitudes and questions about his life, of course inquiring about Senpai, to which he just as annoyingly-cheerfully replied that life was great and her dear Senpai was still his and his alone. If that elicited any feelings on her, she didn’t allow for them to show as she promised to call soon so they could all meet up for coffee.
Perhaps he’d been more exasperated than usual after two consecutive days of failures, but he revealed his search for the ring – perhaps even to drive home the seriousness of their status as a couple. Yoshizawa had been shocked, either by the information itself or by Goro’s rare disclosure of personal information, but she soon congratulated him and wished them all the best.
Goro could have corrected her at this point simply by saying the ring was just a birthday gift, a display of commitment but not a marriage proposal on his part. Akira loved jewelry; had worn it constantly in the Metaverse, although more sparsely day-to-day.
He didn’t correct her. He hadn’t bothered thinking things through, allowing her to keep this misconception.
It felt good to have someone think that. That Goro was capable of such a pledge, that Akira would ever actually accept tying himself to him for life.
She’d then proceeded to recommend a jewelry store in Omotesando, which Goro promptly dismissed in his head although he thanked her for the suggestion. A ring from Omotesando was bound to cost more than he could possibly afford, even though he’d been saving money for Akira’s birthday for some time now.
In the end, the store’s website indicated they closed at eight, so he decided there couldn’t be any harm in looking.
The store was nice and, just as predicted, everything was double the amount he’d seen so far, but any price concerns flew out the window when he saw it.
The ring.
It was all black with a wavy gold stripe. Beautiful, elegant, unique.
A bit simple, though, so he turned his attention towards pieces from the same black collection.
His eyes strayed back to that first ring despite his efforts.
It was just so fucking beautiful. It was Joker, somehow, and Akira, and Goro; in its sturdiness, the brilliance of the gold, the depth of the black, in the waveform of the stripe around the ring.
When he finally noticed a second ring with the opposite color scheme, this one gold with a black stripe, Goro knew these pair of rings were made for him and Akira to have.
This notion was further cemented in his mind as the price tag showed a suspiciously affordable price, explained away by the jeweler as their black gold collection not being very popular despite eye-catching – which just confirmed Goro’s longstanding theory that most people had no taste.
Something perfect for them but no one else had.
He took a photo and sent it to the group ‘FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING’ Ann created for them, giddy to devour their approval.
Goro
[photo]
Ann
What??
That’s amazing!
Yusuke
Indeed. What a sublime composition.
It matches both of your aesthetics quite well.
Ann
Where are you?
Goro
A place in Omotesando.
I feel strongly about this one.
Ann:
Akechi-kun, it’s really amazing. Akira will love it for sure!
Yusuke
I must concur.
Goro
Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all your help.
Yusuke
The pleasure was mine to accompany you in your quest.
Ann
🎉 🎉 🎉
Goro
They are asking me what I’d like to engrave.
Ann
Oh I guess it’s usually names or declarations or something like that?
Yusuke
I suggest the date of the wedding.
Goro
Kitagawa-kun, we have talked about this.
There will be no wedding.
This isn’t a marriage proposal.
Yusuke
Ah yes. My apologies, I forget.
The date you met each other should suffice?
Ann
Uuuuh the infinity symbol is pretty nice
Yusuke
How about something that holds special meaning for both of you?
Goro
There is a quote about synthesis, but Akira would find it pretentious and I would never hear the end of it.
Ann
Yikes…
You can’t go wrong with pet names
Yusuke
Tell him the truth in your heart.
The truth. Goro had said it quite a few times before, but it felt weird and cheesy to have it engraved in metal. Yet another source of teasing from his boyfriend.
In the end, the jeweler very patiently waited for Goro to silently freak out as he tried to decide on something that was both meaningful and teasing-free.
“Sir, please note we have a no refund and no return policy on engraved items,” the austere man warned him. It was okay since Goro had no intentions of returning them.
It’d take two weeks for the engraving to be ready, which was risky but was still within the deadline if no delays occurred. He could take the rings to be engraved after gifting them, but knowing himself and Akira, there was no way either of them would be willing to part with them long enough for that. Goro would just have to hope his decision was good enough without consulting Akira first.
On his way out, Goro was feeling so good with himself he was even magnanimous enough to message Yoshizawa with the news, to which she also replied with excited words of approval.
Kurusu Akira’s days as the self-proclaimed Best Gift-Giver in Town were over. Goro was going to crush him with the most affectionate, perfect gift of his life and take over the title from that punk-ass, considerate bitch.
To say he was radiating smugness on his way home was an understatement, as people turned their heads to check out the young man with the bloodthirsty huge grin.
*****
Goro ran up several flights of stairs only to realize he needed to play it cool for the next two weeks, and returning home uncharacteristically out of breath was not a good start to that plan. He recomposed himself before entering their apartment, only to almost lose his cool again when setting eyes on his boyfriend.
From the door, he silently watched as Akira sang softly along with an enka song from the radio (the old man), unaware of his arrival. He looked revoltingly handsome on a ‘kiss the cook’ apron, his dexterous hands cooking with confidence and speed, never losing focus as an appealing smell took over the kitchen.
Goro wanted to eat the lyrics from his lips, wanted to dine on his naked body, to put that ring on his finger and affirm they belonged together.
Tragically, Goro also didn’t want to move and break the spell.
Eventually, though, Akira noticed him by the door, his mouth quick to form a smile, although there was also some sheepishness for being caught so distracted.
“Hey, babe. You’re looking pleased with yourself over there.”
God, he needed to brag about the gift, but if he started, the surprise would be ruined. Instead, he smoothly glided over to Akira and pushed him against the counter, immediately taking his mouth before he could protest.
Akira had probably been tasting the spicy ramen with pork he was making, a certain spice lingered in his mouth. Too soon it was over, with Akira anxiously retreating to turn the stove off before being pulled back against the wall where the counter ended. The brat actually had the nerve to chuckle at Goro’s displeased expression as he stretched his arms behind Goro’s shoulders.
“And what did I do to deserve this greeting?”
“Oh please, like everything has to do with you,” said the man who spent two whole days searching for a piece of jewelry to make him happy. “Get over yourself.”
“Well? Go on then.”
… Goro was a weak little human after all. “I’ll have you know I’ve acquired a birthday present that will make you happy as well as humiliate you as a renowned gift-giver.”
Akira laughed with glee, letting his forehead rest against Goro’s shoulder. “And my birthday present has nothing to do with me?”
“Of course not. It’s all about me and my crushing victory over you.”
That just made things worse but Goro was a bit pleased he could make Akira laugh so freely. “Is this payback for your birthday?”
Goro pinched his side in retaliation. “You had no business giving me that album right after we finished.”
“I completely disagree. It was the perfect time.” Akira’s voice lowered; a hand brushed Goro’s hair behind his ear, eyes traveled around his face, taking in Goro’s eyes and the shape of his nose. “You’re so soft when you come. You made the cutest face-”
Goro’s teeth on his neck finally made this little punk whine and shut the fuck up about Goro’s face when he received his stupid gift last June.
“‘Kechi! ‘Kechi, slow down.”
“No,” he said, slowing down as he planted little kisses up and down his neck. Akira smelled amazing; of the soap Goro bought for them and the gochujang he liked to experiment with in his cooking.
Goro put a stop to the kissing but only so he could look at pretty gray eyes. Akira sighed, content, sagging against him and letting Goro keep him upright.
Not for the first time, Goro thought of the privilege of being in this kitchen with him, receiving Akira’s affections in a way no one else was allowed to.
“Can I have it now?”
“No.”
“Can I have a hint?”
“No.”
“Are you giving it to me before, during, or after the party?”
Goro hummed, considering the best time.
Admittedly, there was a positive side of having an audience to Cool Guy Kurusu looking dazed as he received his finest piece of jewelry yet – the teasing he’d receive from his friends alone was a reward in itself – but on the other hand, one also had to consider certain human reactions that were best kept private. Such as declarations of affection and subsequent making out sections. Probably some nice frottage on Goro’s desk chair. Possibly some fingering of the teasing variety.
It turned out to be dangerous to fantasize about fingering your overwhelmed-by-awesome-present boyfriend while you made out with said boyfriend in the kitchen, Goro learned, as Akira pulled away to study him with his own heated eyes.
… Wait, when had they gone back to kissing?
“What’s gotten into you?” Akira asked out of breath, and Goro finally realized he’d been basically devouring his boyfriend’s mouth for the past few minutes.
“… Nothing. I guess I’m just happy, that’s all.”
As usual, Akira looked at him as if Goro was a tiny kitten in a YouTube video trying to jump out of a box. Goro wanted to punch him with his mouth.
“Shut up, Joker.”
“What! I barely even said anything.”
“I can read it all over your dumb face,” Goro lovingly – goddamnit, why was it so hard to keep that stupid feeling out of his voice – said.
“But thinking isn’t saying….”
With Akira giving him the kicked puppy routine, Goro saw no alternative but to give in or face his boyfriend pretending to be hurt to get cuddles all night. “Just say it then,” Goro commanded, miffed; privately wanting to hear it too.
The most brilliant smile. Akira was a work of art in his arms, all softness and no holding back. “You should stay happy all the time. It suits you.”
Goro shrugged, tried not to blush, and promptly failed as he replied, “It suits you more.”
He got a nice, long kiss on his cheek for that one. Life was good sometimes, Goro decided as he slotted himself into Akira’s arms.
Perhaps it was the intimacy of their embrace or Goro’s obvious state of arousal that made Akira whisper against Goro’s lips, low like someone could hear them, “Is it a toy?”
This time he pinched Akira’s ass, who yelped and tried to protect his behind against the attack. “No, it is not a toy, Joker.”
“Ah, why not?” he whined. “FYI, if you do end up buying me a toy, I want to receive it when we’re alone, thank you.”
Something hot and vulgar swirled inside him at the request. “Now I’ll have to buy a vibrator and gift it to you in front of all your friends.”
That clever mouth smirked; goddamn it, how could one person be so attractive? “Babe, you realize you’d be more embarrassed than me, right?”
He was right, but Goro wasn’t well known to be obstinate by mistake. “Want to test that theory, babe?”
After a heated exchange between maroon and dark gray eyes, Akira decided that no, he did not want to find out how far Akechi Goro was willing to go to win this argument. Instead, they made out some more.
Goro set the table in a good mood while Akira finished up. They ate, talked; Akira hugged him from behind as Goro did the dishes. They watched a dumb anime, Goro answering emails on his phone and Akira live messaging his reactions to an eager Futaba.
They went through their nightly routine. Akira allowed him to tie up his hair so Goro could exfoliate his skin, this time dotingly instead of ‘angrily’ like Akira had accused last time. Goro took the time to rememorize the face he loved with his fingers on the pretense of being thorough.
Finally, they settled under the duvet, Goro with a dull book that would help him sleep and Akira with his cellphone catching up on all the cute photos of Morgana that Futaba had sent him.
When his eyes started blurring the lines and the book was heavy in his hand, Akira turned to him, slotting himself against Goro’s back. He carefully rearranged Goro’s hair so they could share the same pillow.
Life really was something, sometimes.
“Goro,” Akira mouthed against the back of his neck, following up with a kiss.
Goro hummed and hoped they could stay this perfect and never change.
“Goro,” he whispered this time.
A contented sigh before, “Akira…”
Strong arms enveloped him tenderly. Akira’s lips rested behind Goro’s ear.
“What did you get me?”
A quiet moment of tenderness before Goro hit him in the head with the book.
*****
The annoying brat annoyingly annoyed him throughout the week as Goro held fast to his secrets. The ring would lose its impact if Akira found out what it was before the actual gifting.
There was no way in hell Goro was about to lose the opportunity of seeing Kurusu Akira’s jaw hit the floor.
As the days grew closer, it was hard to say which one of them was more eager for Akira’s birthday.
A small blessing was Akira unaware of the involvement of two of his friends in the quest; it was hard to say if Ann and Yusuke could withstand such relentless scrutiny. Another blessing, Goro had discovered, was the fact the ring was not in his possession. Not only because Akira couldn’t “stumble upon it” (Goro pretended not to notice him searching for the object, the fool), but it also kept Goro from looking at it every half an hour.
He wanted to see it again to confirm it was still that beautiful, but even the group with the photo had been deleted, just in case.
With the ring out of reach, Goro tried to both prepare but not overthink his speech. Perhaps something nice and short would suit the situation best, as Goro might just end up embarrassing himself with a long discourse. The present spoke for itself, as was the point.
It spoke of Goro’s devotion and affections, of his eagerness to solidify their relationship further, his willingness for them to take claim of each other in public.
He could envision Akira wearing it everywhere. Goro would probably wear his own ring around his neck due to his gloves, except when they were on dates and Akira whined about them matching.
They’d look cute with matching rings. Everyone would find them obnoxious, which made Goro even more delighted.
T minus two days, Goro doubted every decision he had made in the past year.
24 hours to go, Goro was on Rakuten searching for absolutely anything else that he could gift Akira instead.
On the day itself, Goro woke up with something soft and moist touching his neck. Searching his mind for the date, he only remembered it was a Saturday and decided it was fine to cuddle.
It took sloppy kisses to turn insistent for Goro to take a hint that Akira wanted him to wake up, pronto.
“What,” Goro articulately groaned.
“Oh, did I wake you?” the piece of trash that Goro called a boyfriend whispered with the innocence of Christian children. “Sorry.”
In a mix of irritation and affection, Goro pulled him up so their eyes could meet. Akira looked happy and mischievous, all warm and soft with a bit of crust in the corner of his eye. Goro rubbed it off for him since Goro was a good boyfriend and not trash.
Akira was staring. With anticipation.
It still took Goro’s sluggish mind five more seconds to remember the date.
“Hey. Crow.”
“Yes, Joker.”
His hand was captured before he could pull it away. Akira rested his cheek on the open palm like that was the best use for Goro’s hand. It might as well be. “It’s my birthday today.”
“Is it?”
“Uh-huh. I’m 22 now.”
“That must be nice.”
Akira grinned against his palm. “It is. I’m going to see my friends. We’re watching a movie. My boyfriend will be there, all handsome.”
Goro hummed, closing his eyes. “Have fun.”
“I will. But that’s later. Right now, I’m ready to have my present.”
“Present?”
A soft pillow hit Goro in the face.
“Goroooo. It’s not funny anymore,” Akira whined, pulling the pillow back quickly to avoid retaliation. “It’s my present. Give it.”
“You’re so annoying,” Goro barked. In one smooth move, he pulled Akira flushed on top of him, putting him in a tight grip. “You’ll get it later.”
Akira tried to adjust himself but there was no room to move in Goro’s loving grip of death. “Later when?”
“After.”
“Why?”
Because Goro was still hours away from being ready for it. “Because I said so.”
“Fine,” Akira conceded. Wrapping his legs and arms around Goro, Akira squeezed his limps in a counterattack. “But I want something else now then.”
Goro looked down to see Akira resting his chin on Goro’s chest, looking up at him and blinking rapidly in faux seduction.
“State your terms, creature.”
“I really-” Lips kissed collarbones. “-really-” Hips lined up against hips as Akira delivered the killing blow, whispered just below his ear, “wanna come.”
His boyfriend’s arousal was obvious with only fleece and flannel between them. Goro all at once felt hot and heady, Akira’s too heavy body pushing him down. He had turned the tables in seconds and it made Goro ache.
“You should take it up with that boyfriend of yours,” he whispered back just to be a nuisance.
“Gorooo,” Akira whined like a cat that hadn’t been fed all morning. He rubbed his entire body against Goro, which just drove the comparison home. “I wanna cooome.”
Goro grabbed his ass to keep his hips in place but Akira ended up liking that too much, spreading his legs and wriggling tortuously. Shameless, Akira let out a moan that was both faked right out of a bad porno and intensely genuine.
God, he wanted to bring this boy to orgasm. But not yet. Self-restraint was never as hard for him as when he was with Akira. “What makes you think you deserve to come?”
Akira pouted, probably thinking himself adorable, this cute little shit. “It’s literally my special day today.”
“Millions were born on any given day. Don’t flatter yourself.”
Hands squeezed, massaging the round cheeks. Akira half-groaned half-wailed as Goro refused to let him rub himself against him.
Changing tactics, Akira planted a deep, wet kiss on Goro’s cheek. “But I’ve been such a good boyfriend. I make breakfast every day for us,” he reminded Goro, holding Goro’s face in his hand as he covered it with kisses. When Goro’s only reply was a contented sigh, Akira stepped up his game. “And dinner. All your favorite foods, like tonkatsu and gyoza…” he listed, but only got a pleased little moan in reply.
The gleam in Akira’s eyes was the solo hint he was about to bring out the big guns.
Lips brushed just beneath Goro’s ear, a favorite spot of Akira’s, and said, “I suck you off before you leave for work. I let you come deep in my mouth. Don’t you like that? You always come so much.”
A firm kiss, right where he whispered the words.
Goro loved it, loved their sweet little games. He loved Akira.
Trying to keep a steady face, Goro turned his head to give Akira a peck on the lips and said, “Sorry, did you say something?”
Akira groaned loudly; Goro laughed despite his best attempts to remain stoic.
After giving his neck a full-on bite, Akira flipped to the side and out of Goro’s arms. “Fine. I’m gonna do it myself.”
This little shit. Like Goro would let him go anywhere.
Before Akira could leave the bed, Goro hugged him from behind, pulling Akira’s back against his chest. Getting exactly what he wanted – god, he got into Goro’s nerves even when he was giving them both what they liked – Akira wasted no time melting against him and putting a leg over Goro’s, spider-like.
Akira’s neck tasted hot and salty. An arm hugged Goro’s head at an odd angle, which proved to be an effective hold, keeping him in place for more neck kissing. His boyfriend shivered as Goro’s skillful hand played with the skin beneath his waistband.
Akira was perfect; there was no other word. Goro would drown in the smell of his skin, of his exhilarating arousal; the intensity of his feelings would pull his body out to sea.
“Kurusu-kun, you enjoy sucking me off as much as I enjoy your pretty little mouth,” he reminded his boyfriend, adjusting his left arm around Akira’s chest to hold him more comfortably. Akira preferred his left hand for this, but now wasn’t the time to change positions and risk the tables turning again. “Most of the time, you do it for yourself.”
“I’m not-” Akira tried to say but could barely form the words when the hand playing with his waistband decided to caress the inside of his thigh; up and down, and squeeze- “Ah- Not- not denying- anything.”
With his balls being massaged, Akira let himself go, eyes closing and face slacking in bliss. “That’s it, sweetheart,” Goro encouraged his – cute sexy perfect little – boyfriend, taking hold of his hard cock. The shape and feel of it were so familiar but sometimes it still felt surreal to know he could hold Akira’s cock in his hand and love it, and know Akira loved it even more, at least once a week jerked off in the shower thinking of Goro’s hands all over him.
“Goro! Goro- Turn me-,” he pleaded, but Goro shushed him – not unkindly.
“Let’s do you. I’m feeling generous today.”
Akira laughed, a bit out of breath. “Don’t- don’t tell my boyfriend, though.”
Goro wanted to think of a clever come back to have the final say – and it’d be so easy to make a filthy joke, but with Akira moaning now, Goro was done talking.
Hand jobs had become too basic to be intense, so some multitasking was required to keep his kinky boyfriend overwhelmed. He bit down on that – beloved – alluring neck, just enough to make him jump without breaking the skin. The next step: slipping his right hand beneath a pajama shirt, Goro got straight to work on a nipple while Akira thrashed around in his arms, helpless to the onslaught all over his weak points.
Goro jerked him off sideways, mercilessly. His hand did all the things Akira loved; up and down; playing with the tip; a digit brushing against his twitching hole, teasing just right.
Akechi Goro was nothing if not efficient and skilled. Akira honest to god trembled when his orgasm hit him like a wave. Goro was there to catch him, paying close attention not to overdo it, to call him sweetheart, to lay him down reverently afterward and put him back together.
With a happy sigh, Akira stretched on the bed like the satisfied cat he really was. His hand weakly pulled on Goro’s shirt as a request to get him closer. He obliged, lying on his side to observe his boyfriend looking cute and pleased with himself as he came down from riding the crest of the wave.
Goro was about to gift him a ring to show his devotion. This should be the theme of the day – for Akira to feel loved and cherished and to understand Goro was the one to make that happen.
“I lied,” Goro admitted in a mutter, brushing curls away from pretty eyes. “You’re the most special out of everyone born today.”
Dark gray eyes lit up for him. “Really?”
A steady heartbeat under his hand. Kurusu Akira was the most special boy in the world, and Goro was the guy who got to have him, so surely that made him even more special. It made him the luckiest in the world.
“Yes.” Goro kissed his nose because he could. “Everyone else is garbage.”
A burst of laughter filled with glee. Arms around Goro’s shoulder, pulling him down, more enticing than gravity. “Good.”
*****
It took forever for them to leave the apartment midafternoon, with Akira set on getting away with as much as possible today, like long showers, being hand-fed while sitting on Goro’s lap, and foot massages. At the same time, it wasn’t nearly enough time for Goro to calm the fuck down. The ring had been retrieved the previous day, so, by midnight, he’d have no excuse to put this off.
It wasn’t like he wanted to postpone. He just wished his stupid hands would stay steady inside his coat pockets for five seconds.
“Yusuke, look. What do you think?” Akira asked, setting a latte with foam art in front of his friend.
Yusuke scrutinized the bear-shaped design. “Nicely done, Akira. The outline is much clearer this time around.”
Akira beamed, fetching each of their drinks before sliding into the booth beside Goro. Leblanc was as pleasing as ever, all coffee smell and grumpy/loving owner.
Goro was silently happy only Ann and Yusuke had time to join them for a pick-me-up. The two days they’d spent together brought them closer, perhaps; Goro felt their mutual fondness for Akira gave them common ground to walk.
He watched his boyfriend sing the praises of the movie they’d be watching soon – something new from Ghibli, an obsession of his. Goro felt relaxed for once, elbow resting on the backrest, café au lait just perfect since Sakura-san allowed Akira to make their drinks.
Akira smiled at him from behind his mug. “What? What is it?”
Goro shrugged, playing with a spoon. “Nothing. You just look handsome in winter clothes.”
Ann dropped her spoon. Complete silence for five seconds as Akira almost let his coffee spill all over his lap. “Goro, did you just compliment me in public?” He turned to the other two to ask, “Am I dead? Is this heaven?”
As childishly as possible, Goro rubbed his spoon on Akira’s face, smudging foam on his cheek. “I take it back. You look hideous.”
Akira seized his hand, holding it captive on the space between them and not caring at all about the small mess on his face. “No take-backs between us.”
Ann cooed. “You guys look cute together.”
“Yes, your complementary color pallets are very pleasing to the eye,” Yusuke determined, delighting Goro although he didn’t usually like when people commented about them.
“Should we wear matching outfits next time?” Akira suggested with lights in his eyes.
“Oh my god, I’d die to see that,” Ann encouraged, like the agitator she secretly was.
“We would be adorable.”
Goro pulled his hand back and tried to regain composure. “That’s enough from the three of you.”
A cute, scheming smile was sent his way. “So mean today. Guys, Goro bought me a gift but he won’t give it to me.”
“Later. When we’re home.”
“See. Abuse, in broad daylight.”
Ann leaned forward, her colorful bracelets gleaming with the movement. “What do you think it is?”
Oh no. The worst actress in the group knew his secret and was trying to tease. Goro sent her mental vibes of ‘abort! abort!’.
“Apparently it’s the best present to level all presents,” Akira loud-whispered conspiratorially.
Yusuke sagely smiled. “The meaningful gift of the lover.”
This time, Akira blushed slightly, probably regretting having brought it up. Serves him right. “Yusuke, seriously…”
Akira got up to get Ann a new spoon and Goro traded looks with the other two. They both looked pleased, Ann trying to hide a smile and Yusuke radiating pride.
Goro felt a surge of affection that up until now had been reserved to Akira and Akira alone. He had extended this intimate experience to Ann and Yusuke and, because they had accepted, they were now an intrinsic part of his and Akira’s story. Goro felt content with the idea he now was friends with them.
Strangely, he found himself excited to share this with Akira later. Goro making friends and being accepted by Akira’s friends had been a pet project of Akira’s since even before they started dating.
When Akira returned with a spoon, he took pause.
“Ann, is that a new ring?”
Ann raised her hand to show it off. “Oh, this one? Yeah, I bought it the other day when I was out with a friend.”
Goro groaned internally as she briefly looked at him when she said it. But Akira didn’t seem to notice, focused on examining the ring.
“Looks great. For a moment there, I thought someone had proposed,” he teased. She blushed, predictably.
“Ha, can you imagine?” she giggled a little too loudly. “I’d love an engagement ring, though. Just need to find someone who’d give me one.”
Akira took a sip of his coffee. “That’s a nightmare, right there.”
For a moment, Goro thought he misheard, but Ann also held a confused expression.
“What?”
Something shifted in the air; Goro could feel it. He needed to hear the clarification of that statement, but somehow he knew he wouldn’t like what he was about to learn.
Noticing all eyes on him, Akira quickly sputtered, “Oh, not for you, Ann! I meant for me.”
That didn’t seem to clarify anything for her. “Sorry? What’s your nightmare?”
“The ring,” he said.
“The ring,” she repeated blankly.
Akira shrugged. “You know, what it represents.”
“Forgive me; I believe I have lost my way in this conversation,” Yusuke interjected, leaning forward. “Is a wedding ring not an emblem of love through time?”
“I think I’m right with you this time, Yusuke,” Ann confessed, a little unease. “What do you mean, Akira?”
Akira rested his mug on the table. “Well, it’s just that marriage is rooted in patriarchy, isn’t it? Women were basically property passed around.”
That only confused them more. Ann looked at the other two for answers.
“Hmmm, we’re not in that position anymore? Equal rights? In Japan at least,” she suggested, not sounding very sure of herself.
“It’s changed but it’s pretty unequal, don’t you think? Women are still expected to keep the household together and cater to the husband’s needs. Like, they have to raise the children, take care of the house, the husband, and also work. And emotionally too; there’re all sorts of articles these days explaining the emotional toll still imposed on married women and mothers. How is that equality?”
That was probably one of the longer times his friends had heard Akira talk without pause, except for Goro who heard it often. Ann was tense. Yusuke seemed closed off.
Goro felt like he wasn’t even there anymore.
“Surely same-sex marriage subverts those roles?” Yusuke spoke after a moment when they all tried to understand how it all related to Akira’s initial statement.
“Not really. I mean, not according to feminist and Queer theorists, at least. The only thing that would deconstruct marriage is not marrying. Gay marriage is just perpetuating a failed institution,” he concluded, taking a sip of his coffee.
The silence was uncomfortable, to say the bare minimum. Yusuke‘s posture had shifted, like he wanted to argue but held back.
“I don’t think I agree. But I guess I never really stopped to read anything about it,” Ann added that last part uncertainly.
“It’s not like I studied any of it seriously or anything. It’s just my personal view,” Akira reassured her. He shrugged once more. “A ring for me it’s like handcuffs all over again.”
Ann and Yusuke wouldn’t look at Goro – small mercies. Akira finished his coffee looking from one friend to the other.
“Sorry if I made the mood weird, guys.”
Yusuke cleared his throat. “You merely expressed an opinion. I suppose it’s just surprising to see a romantic such as yourself against what is considered the ultimate romantic gesture.”
Ann sipped her drink and didn’t comment further. Akira turned to Goro for help.
“Any theorists on your part?”
Goro shook his head slightly, pretending to be distracted by the outline of a feather he was drawing on the foam of his cup. “I don’t believe I’ve ever given the topic much thought,” he casually commented.
Akira hummed in agreement.
Thankfully, thankfully, perhaps noticing – or perhaps not – the bizarre mood at the table, Sakura-san called Akira to help him serve two customers that had arrived.
Two seconds after he got up, Ann and Yusuke looked at Goro with their souls behind their eyes.
“Please don’t comment,” he asked in a whisper and prayed they would drop it.
“But Goro… I’m so sorry, I had no idea-”
“It’s fine,” he hissed, this time turning to check that Akira had gone to the kitchen. “I don’t care. I wasn’t proposing to him. I just need to find a new present, that’s all. Drop it.”
Ann hugged herself, most likely an unconscious gesture. Yusuke observed him with the unnerving eyes of someone too complex to be figured out.
Goro had no floor; all the excitement of the last two weeks had drained out of him and left him a withered balloon. It was impossible to find another gift so last minute, especially if he didn’t want to draw suspicions that he was hiding a previous gift that had just been compared to handcuffs.
“Shall we head out?” Akira asked when he came back. They all picked up their things at the booth. Goro finished his drink in one gulp, passing the empty cup to Akira.
Goro’s coffee had turned cold and sour; he had taken too long to drink it.
“Kid, don’t forget your present in here,” Sakura-san called from the kitchen and they were left confused about which ‘kid’ he was referring to. Akira turned to Goro, who shook his head.
The older man grabbed something from behind the counter and handed it to Yusuke. It was a rectangle wrapped in colorful present paper.
Akira’s eyes flashed. “Oh, is that for me?”
Yusuke considered the object before answering, “It is. It’s my birthday present for you, Akira. Happy birthday.”
Akira grabbed the offered object but Yusuke didn’t let go for a moment.
“It was commissioned by Akechi-kun. It was his idea. So it’s our joint present, in reality.”
“Goro?” Akira turned to him, and Goro hoped his shock wasn’t showing on his face like he felt it was. With deft fingers, Akira quickly ripped the wrapping and discovered the back part of a solid paper. He turned it over. “Oh…”
It was a drawing framed by a white passe-partout. In it, Leblanc’s counter occupied the entire paper, left to right. Behind it, Sakura-san taught a teenage Akira to make coffee with a kind smile. In front, Futaba played a handheld video game with Morgana on her lap, yawning.
On the opposite side, to the right, Goro sat in his usual seat, his back to the viewer.
In real life, Goro looked at Yusuke over Akira’s shoulder and found the artist looking back at him. It was true that Goro had suggested the idea to Yusuke, and even went as far as covering some of the costs for the materials, but he hadn’t commissioned anything.
Goro had never felt more grateful to another person.
“Would you look at that,” Sakura-san all but exclaimed, a hand touching his goatee self-consciously. “I look ten years younger.”
“I depicted you as I observed you, boss,” Yusuke assured him.
Ann scooted over to see as well. “Ah, Morgana looks adorable.”
“What- Why-” Akira started and stammered, sounding upset, or maybe uncertain. “Yusuke, we can’t see Goro’s face.”
Yusuke took a step back to look towards the counter. “It might not be ideal, but that is the correct perspective, is it not?”
Akira shook his head, raising the drawing to the spot depicted. Everyone stepped back to analyze the angle. “You could have shown his profile, like Futaba’s. Like this, he’s facing away.”
He definitely sounded upset now. Akira was deeply protective of Goro’s status as ‘part of the gangue’ and couldn’t stand when that was put into question – apparently, even by something as innocuous as having Goro depicted with his back turned.
Goro didn’t care. He just wanted to leave.
“I’m looking at you,” Goro finally tells him, making Akira turn his attention to him. “It’s realistic because I often did it with the corner of my eye without facing you. Kitagawa-kun is just that observant.”
They looked taken aback by the confession. Akira lowered the drawing.
“Still-”
“Kid, your friend just gave you a masterpiece. Is that all you got to say?” Sakura-san’s stern voice seemed to shake Akira.
“Ow- I- Yusuke-” Akira looked repentant. He quickly passed the drawing for Ann to hold and hugged Yusuke firmly. “Thank you, Yusuke. It’s really wonderful. I love it.”
Akira turned to Goro, who was pretending to be busy adjusting his scarf around his neck.
“Thank you for commissioning it for me. You were right, it’s the best present.”
He took a step forward but Goro turned towards the door, indicating him ‘no’. Goro most often than not didn’t feel comfortable being hugged in public, especially with people looking, so this shouldn’t raise any alarms for Akira with Goro softening the gesture with a smile.
Akira smiled back, a bit sheepish and unsure but still pleased.
Goro didn’t want to be touched right now. He wanted to disappear.
“Happy birthday, Akira,” he said anyway.
*****
They were standing on a train bound for Roppongi Hills, checking their phones – except Goro, who was pretending to be bored with the commercials playing on the train’s display screen.
It was a talent of his, to partly dissociate. Just enough so his surroundings didn’t feel real but not enough that he would lose a sense of who he was.
Akira said getting a ring was like being handcuffed Don’t think about it.
“Futaba says she’s running late,” Ann informed them.
Akira nodded. “She’s got her ticket on her phone, though.”
Did Akira feel trapped by him Count the checkered shapes on Yusuke’s coat. Don’t dwell. Stop thinking.
“Perhaps next year we should have dinner before the movie,” Yusuke hoped out loud and was left ignored.
Ann snuck a peek at Akira’s phone. “Any news from your co-workers, Akira?”
He showed her the messages. “Two more people confirmed. We reserved a table for ten so it should be fine.”
What if Akira found out Goro bought a ring for him You can do this. The night is shorter than you think. Count the minutes. Stay focused.
Goro put his hand inside his pocket to hide the shaking he could feel starting. Something like an electric shock went up his arm when his fingers touched the small box with the ring.
The ring he couldn’t gift Akira. The ring that was supposed to be the epitome of Goro’s feelings but instead was imprisonment to Akira Don’t think about it, stop
“Actually, everyone…” Goro heard someone say, and was surprised when they turned to regard him. “I’m not feeling so well. I think I might skip the movie.”
“What- Goro-” Akira touched his arm. His face was all worried lines and deep gray eyes. “Are you okay?”
Akira’s eyes were gray. This was Akira. Akira was talking to him. Goro shouldn’t lie to Akira, they had an understanding.
…There was no way he could tell him that inane conversation had scrapped him raw, that Goro himself couldn’t understand why he wanted to fall to his knees and cry; he only knew that’s what he wanted to do.
You’ve always been a liar. Lie, you liar.
“Yes, I’m just feeling a bit sick. Everyone at work had the flu this week, I might have caught it,” Goro’s mouth said for him.
Akira’s hand gripped his arm harder. Goro wanted to push him away but forced his hands to stay in his pockets. “Do you have a fever? Let me take you home.”
Should he have a fever? No, fevers were bad. Akira could potentially cancel his birthday celebration to take him home.
“No, Akira.” Firm voice. Good. This was good. Akechi Goro was calm. This was an Akechi Goro voice. “You have fun with your friends; I’ll be fine. I should get this transfer.”
Akira looked dumbfounded as Goro stepped towards the door that was about to open. Akira turned to the others – for help? – but Ann was fake-examining her shoes; Yusuke solemnly watched the situation unfold.
“Don’t worry, okay?” He said and smiled, and decided that should do the trick.
He was not expecting Akira to step out of the train after him.
“Akira-” Ann called from inside.
“You guys go ahead. I’ll take the next train after I send Goro home.”
Akira barely finished speaking and the doors were already closing. Akira linked his arm with Goro’s, leaving barely any space between them. People walked past, brushing against them, and Goro wished he could teleport from there.
“Why didn’t you say anything all day?” Akira demanded to know and watched him closely for the answer. Had he caught on with the lying? Was he suspicious?
Of course he is, you idiot, his brain helpfully supplied. His boyfriend is this amazing partner who wouldn’t miss his birthday celebration unless he was dying.
Shit.
“I thought it’d go away,” he said with resignation. His face tried to smile, to appear reassuring, but it was too heavy for that. His face felt too heavy. “I didn’t want to worry you. I just think it’s best to get ahead of this before it turns worse during the night. Don’t you think?”
Akira bit his lower lip. Good, this was good. If Akira was selfish, Goro might get worse – he had to let Goro go now.
“Let me make you Okayu,” Akira suggested, and Goro wanted to scream.
“Seriously, go watch your movie. I’ll be fine.”
They went back and forth all the way to the next platform. Akira could definitely feel there was something off going on, but Goro was convincing enough that he couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was if not Goro feeling unwell.
The train took a small eternity of three minutes to turn up. Goro had to agree to follow all sorts of steps upon arriving home to appease Akira, who was still checking him all over by the time Goro stepped into the train.
“Message me as soon as you get home,” he said for the third time.
“You shouldn’t be checking your phone in the theater.”
“Then message soon so I’ll stop looking at my phone.”
For a moment, Goro thought Akira might jump into the train with him until the doors finally closed between them. In no time, the train was already in movement and sending Goro far away from the boy he loved.
Without any pretenses to occupy his mind, he had no excuse but to turn inward and face the anxiety eating away at his organs.
Why was Goro so upset? Akira expressed an opinion that made his gift look bad so now Goro couldn’t give him the gift. So what? Goro wasn’t proposing to him. Goro never had marriage as some sort of life goal. It didn’t change anything between them.
…Except that Akira said it was a nightmare. Wearing a ring that stated he was married to Goro was like being imprisoned all over again. Being with Goro like that would be a prison for him.
With great alarm, Goro realized his eyes were filling up with water against his will. He abruptly turned around and marched to the next subway car, all too aware people were staring as he passed them.
Did he look disheveled? He tried to recompose himself as he took a seat in a less crowded area. Composure was key. He could figure this out when he got home.
It happened two more times before he was finally exiting his station in a brisk walk to the apartment.
Inside was eerily silent, like the apartment itself stood in judgment of Goro’s abandonment of his partner. Goro leaned against the closed door and expected to burst out in tears, but none came. Sitting on the couch, he allowed himself space to cry, only to find yet again that nothing happened.
After 10 minutes, he didn’t see any point to it. He changed into pajamas, removed his makeup in the bathroom, and was about to brush his teeth when his phone vibrated twice.
Akira
Gorooo
Are you home?
Shit, he totally forgot.
Goro
Home, safe and sound.
Go watch your movie!
Akira
Let me know if it gets worse
Goro
Turn off your phone, Kurusu!
Goro waited for more messages but that seemed to be it. Taking the box from his pocket, he opened it on the table and crouched down, getting his eye level the same as the ring’s so they could stare ‘face to face’.
What the fuck is life, huh? Just a few hours ago, Goro had been giddy like a child going to an amusement park for the first time. He couldn’t even remember now what the feeling had been like; it was completely gone from his chest.
The ring was still gorgeous, goddammit. There was something a bit sexy about it in the dim light, something carved from shadow and silence that reminded him of Joker stalking his prey as if he’d been born for it.
The engraving was there, perfectly made in an elegant, cursive font. Frenzied laughter spilled out of him, emptying the air in his lungs to fill the silent apartment. It was fucking hilarious. Goro couldn’t believe he’d asked for this to be engraved on a gift to Akira.
What a joke.
He took it out of the box and tried it on his index finger. He couldn’t feel the engraving by sliding it on and off his finger, needing to run the tip of his nail over it to feel the letters.
Out of some twisted curiosity, he fetched the other one as well and put a ring on each hand on the fourth finger. They truly were a matching set, made to be worn by two people who wanted to be identified as being one half of a set.
The other ring looked good on Goro – sophisticated, cosmopolitan. He wondered if he could keep it, only to suddenly comprehend the situation.
He had to get rid of the rings. Preferably, before Akira found them by chance with whatever annoying ability he still possessed from the Metaverse that allowed him to see clues.
Could he return them? No, they had been engraved. Pawnshop? Quick research showed they’d only be interested in the precious metals to be resold and melted down.
The creature of anxiety was back in Goro’s stomach. The rings destroyed… Surely, he could find a temporary option to buy him time to think before it came to that.
How much time do you need to accept Akira will never want a stupid ring from you?
His fingers quickly typed a message to Ann requesting she take custody of the rings, only to delete the message just as fast, fearing this could backfire. Yusuke was even worse; he’d probably lose it in the messy hole in the wall he called an atelier.
Panic threatened to seize his thoughts.
He needed to backtrack to get his anxiety under control. Look at the facts. Be reasonable.
Fact one – Goro bought a ring as a birthday gift for his boyfriend who enjoyed jewelry.
Fact two – Akira said marriage was a farce, and that he didn’t want a ring that represented marriage.
Fact three – Goro realized his engraved ring could have this interpretation, which would be upsetting to Akira.
Conclusion: Goro needed to dispose of the ring and not mention it to Akira. Case closed. No reason for drama.
Goro could feel himself out of breath as he kneeled to be closer to the floor. He was missing something. Things didn’t add up to the raw agony he was experiencing.
He searched his mind for clues, going through conversations and gestures until he reached the day he contacted Ann and Yusuke. They’d been quick to jump to conclusions, Ann all excitement and awe before Goro realized the misunderstanding. He immediately set things right, explaining his real intentions. Ann didn’t seem to buy it but went along with it. Yusuke had reassured him whatever Goro and Akira wanted to call it was fine. In fact, the artist never seemed to quite register Goro’s explanation, referring to the endeavor as a marriage proposal throughout their search for the ring…
Goro tried to remember the words he told himself when he started. He thought a ring could be an expression of affection and a pledge for them to continue to stay together in the future in even more intimate terms…
Oh.
Oh.
Had Goro been planning to propose to Akira?
Oh my god-
He had been planning to propose to Akira.
This was an engagement ring. Because he wanted to marry Akira.
…
Akira didn’t want to marry him.
Heart thundering in his chest, Akechi Goro finally cried the loss of that little pipe dream as Akira’s unconcerned voice in his head told him just what he thought of Goro wanting to wed him.
It was all so dumb. He felt so stupid jumping around, trying to catch castles in the sky. It was completely unrealistic. To have Akira, and have his love, and have his future. Akira, who had unique perspectives like no one else’s. Akira, whose worst fear was being tied down by anything.
Akira was a so-called free spirit. Was Goro trying to imprison him with this relationship?
Did he-
Dry heaves. Goro lied down, trying to control his stomach.
Did he not love Goro enough to marry him? Was Goro’s intense regard uncomfortable for Akira? No… right? Akira said he liked his attention. The Akira who spent today clinging to him, demanding more and more of Goro until they were late to meet their friends. And it was like this most days when they didn’t have work.
Every one of his doubts and uncertainties decided to make a comeback on an all-out attack. He couldn’t understand why things he’d resolved over a year ago were suddenly here again. Like… Was being exclusive a form of imprisonment for Akira?
No. He knew this. They had talked about it. They had agreed they were monogamous, that they didn’t want to be with anyone else, that they only wanted each other. This was all said. There were clear boundaries they’d set together. They chose each other every day, not the system. Why would that have changed today?
It hasn’t. When you’re like this, you always think the worst, babe, his head-Akira told him and even brushed Goro’s hair away from his eyes as an extra. How about calming down for a second, before you decide I’m not even real and the universe is a hologram?
Goro swatted the imaginary hand away in annoyance. “Don’t mollycoddle me, Kurusu,” he told the apartment.
Get up from the floor then, Gollum.
He didn’t get up.
…
What about inequality? Was their relationship unbalanced?
They were equals and stood together side by side, of that he was sure, yet Goro couldn’t say if their division of chores and such was balanced. Akira loved to cook while Goro loathed it, preferring to do the dishes. Akira was a bit of a slob while Goro was a proud clean freak who’d rather do the cleaning alone every Wednesday when Akira was out volunteering.
Did that even them out? Should there be a tally between them keeping track of who did what?
In bed, it was even more confusing to conclude. When they made love, they came together in various ways that they both enjoyed, so that part seemed balanced. The question was the other stuff they did, like when Goro sometimes liked to make Akira come just for the sake of giving him pleasure. Goro would refuse reciprocity since he liked the pent-up energy, the hot frustration that would lead to an amazing conclusion in subsequent love-making.
Akira too had his moments like that. Just as Goro was about to leave, that little bastard would push him down on the couch, yank his pants down, and suddenly Goro’s cock would be sheathed by a perfect, eager mouth. During those times, Akira was the one who wanted him to orgasm and then be on his way, since he’d have his own fun later in the shower or with a toy.
Goro tried to understand what it all meant in the terms Akira described. Life, in general, was hard sometimes, and boring sometimes, and tiring sometimes – but not between them.
Between them, there was talking, intimacy, companionship, and affection. The uncertainty of the earlier days of their relationship had been mostly conquered by Akira’s tenacity and Goro’s will, being replaced by an unshakable notion of stability. No small fight or argument could get in their way.
Until now.
Half an hour later, Goro’s breathing was under control but he felt too exhausted to get up. He knew he had to do it soon, though, so he could put himself together before Akira returned.
Akira’s return. To their apartment where they lived together.
Goro tried sitting down on his side first, so he wouldn’t get dizzy. When that proved to work, he leaned on the table for balance. Keeping a clear head, he put both rings in the same box and hid it in his sock drawer for want of a better solution.
Thankfully, he found some of the heavy sleep medication he used to take long ago and popped a few pills in one go to make sure he wouldn’t get stuck in a lethargic state.
Hours later, the bed dipped slightly. A hand touched Goro’s forehead and was drowsily swatted with a complaint of ‘Kurusuuu’.
That didn’t stop a warm form from hugging him from behind.
*****
“What is it?”
“Nothing. I just thought of something funny.”
“What?”
“This song… It was playing when I first took you to Jazz Jin.”
“… I remember.”
“Hm. I thought the lyrics had something to do with me. That perhaps, if I had enough conviction, I could always be sure of my path and stop questioning myself. Isn’t that hilarious?”
“…”
“Like someone could ever get rid of what-ifs as long as they are alive…”
*****
Goro felt like shit that had been run over by a truck – an analogy concocted by Sakamoto that Goro had yet to forget.
He immediately remembered everything as soon as he came to, with no chance to snooze or lie in. Akira wasn’t in the bed with him – Good? Bad?
Goro quickly checked if the box was still in place and the drawer undisturbed. He dragged himself to the bathroom and did every trick he knew to look less shitty, although he decided not to wear makeup, which would raise alarms since it wasn’t a workday.
Akira immediately stopped cooking when Goro entered the kitchen, coming to check on him with the worry of a new mother. Fever? Upset stomach? Runny nose?
“No to all of that, Kurusu,” Goro complained, but let himself be hugged against the door.
“You look tired, though,” Akira meekly pointed out, perhaps expecting Goro to tell him off. “Why do you look ill but have no symptoms?”
It was probably a small overdosage of the medication. But Akira didn’t need to know that.
“I feel exhausted, actually,” he tactically confessed. “I think I’m still recovering.”
That set thing in motion and soon Goro was eating some nice ochazuke while Akira tied his hair back for him, taking his time brushing it. It felt like a usual Sunday, although Goro felt groggy and a bit oversensitive.
“Hey, Kurusu,” he said before thinking. Akira hummed for him to continue, but that was all he had so far.
“What is it?” his boyfriend asked when Goro didn’t offer anything else.
Akira had the sharpest mind Goro had ever encountered. If Goro asked about marriage, he’d realize Goro was ruminating that conversation, would connect his sudden shift in mood to it, and then boom: awkward conversation of doom.
Why have that talk? What for? So Akira could repeat the same speech from yesterday? The message had been loud and clear and stated right in front of Goro. No need to rub salt all over his wounded heart.
“How was dinner?”
Akira then reveled for the next fifteen minutes on all the things people said and did, from Sakamoto trying to hit on a waitress and failing to Makoto drinking alcohol by mistake and laughing loudly all night. Akira’s co-workers also showed up, and that in particular made Goro a bit remorseful since he’d been looking forward to meeting people Akira liked that weren’t connected to their deeply troubled past.
“I’m glad you had fun. Sorry I wasn’t there,” he added guiltily and tried (but failed) not to think it was probably more fun without him there anyway. Futaba most likely sat next to her brother figure without feeling uncomfortable, and Akira most have focused entirely on having fun instead of stealing glances of Goro every so often to make sure he was okay.
Goro’s nose was softly bopped, for his consternation.
“Were you just thinking about how I had more fun without you? Because I have your permission to bop your nose when you do that, as you know.”
Stupid Christmas agreement. “I’d like to renegotiate those terms.”
Akira seemed to think deeply for a moment. “Huuuh… permission denied. Sorry.”
“Kurusu…” he sighed.
“Is there a reason why you’re calling me that this morning?” Sharp eyes stared him down from across the small table. Shit.
“Yes. You’re being annoying like an annoying guy I know named Kurusu,” Goro tried to joke, but his tone came out too cutting and irked. Shit.
“…How am I annoying you?”
“Akira. Surely you can admit it’s nice to go out with your friends without having to check up on me all night,” he explained in his most reasonable tone, which still seemed to astonish Akira, surprisingly. “You think I don’t notice you stealing glances at me? Come now.”
Akira looked stuck between wanting to bop his nose again or flat out punch him – which to them always came out as crushing their lips together. He settled for laughing awkwardly.
“Huh, I look at you because you’re my hot boyfriend, not because I’m worried about you. If you want me to stop looking, be less hot.”
And with that, Akira got up, leaving a flustered Goro to resignify those memories.
“And FYI,” the little shit said from the door since he had all the cards this time and he knew it. “I’d have way more fun with you there than worrying about you being here all by yourself.”
He left, then came back in two seconds.
“Not that that was your fault. You shouldn’t have to put up with anything if you’re feeling unwell. I’m just making a point about things being more fun with you.”
Once more, he stepped out, only to immediately return.
“Again, I’m not upset that you didn’t go. I’m just-”
“Yes, I get it. You can go.”
Akira finally left the kitchen.
*****
The good thing about being ‘sick’ was that Goro didn’t have to make any more excuses to stay in bed all day.
There was nothing he wanted to do anyway. Life was garbage.
In the afternoon, Akira lied down next to him with a handheld console.
“You don’t have to stay with me, you know,” Goro decided to tell him, still a bit guilty. If things hadn’t gone south, they’d probably spend the day making love or trying out Akira’s presents from his friends. He knew for a fact Ann and Makoto had chipped in to buy him a fryer he’d been drooling over. “You should go out with your friends.”
Instead, Akira was here, on an unmade bed, dragged in by some sense of obligation (?).
“Don’t wanna. Too cold,” he said, a bit moody and not looking up from his video game.
Goro watched him play for a while, trying to soothe the wounds in his insides. Akira was still Akira, super cute with his messy hair and soft pajamas. Akira hadn’t changed.
Goro had changed.
He couldn’t shake the notion that something had been stolen from him. It reminded him of when characters on TV had miscarriages, their grief confusing but real as they mourned someone they hadn’t even met.
Turning towards the wall, Goro pretended to go to sleep as a few tears rolled sideways down his face to be swallowed by the pillow. He was afraid of going into another spiral with Akira here, yet he couldn’t keep his thoughts away from the questions that had appeared last night.
If Goro wanted to marry Akira but Akira didn’t want to marry him… what did that mean?
A warm back pressed against his own as Akira lied on his side.
“Just keeping us warm,” Akira explained over the low sound of his video game.
“That’s smart. Efficient,” Goro agreed and knew this was a miffed Akira comforting Goro despite the bad vibes today. He tried to imagine a world where his back was always cold because Akira was no longer there to keep it warm.
Turned out, it was possible to cry a lot without making any sound or movement.
*****
The next day he dragged himself to work feeling worse than before, spending the day with that feeling of having slept too much. During his break, he came up with a strategy to tackle this thing, but soon realized he needed to bounce ideas off a second head.
That second head was usually a mess full of curls, but not this time.
Goro
Ann-chan, good afternoon.
Ann
Goro oh my god!
Are you feeling better?
I mean
You said you were sick but I thought it was because of you know what
Goro sighed.
Goro
I am much better, thank you.
The reason I am contacting you is precisely about this subject.
I was wondering if you would be interested in discussing with me the points that were brought up that day.
Ann
Like I said, I don’t think I know that much about it
Goro
My idea is to research and then talk about our findings.
Ann
That sounds cool
But listen
Shouldn’t you be doing this with Akira
?
Goro
Trust me, that would be good for no one.
She didn’t agree but didn’t push it either. They spent the day collecting and sending links to each other, deciding to talk on Wednesday.
At night, Goro and Akira had their usual cute banter as Akira cooked and Goro set the table. He tried not to touch his boyfriend too much though, so as not to invite any intimacies he wasn’t in the mood for. After doing the dishes, Goro continued his research making it look like it was an assignment from work.
Akira was asleep by the time Goro joined him in bed.
Finally, the holiday that fell on Wednesday came along and Goro got his black V-Strom 650 ready for a ride – his second love. Akira volunteered at the animal shelter on Wednesday, holiday or otherwise, so he didn’t ask to come along and Goro didn’t invite him.
It felt good to ride away from Tokyo, as it usually did, like Goro could take control of his destiny as long as he stayed on his motorcycle. The only thing better was doing it with Akira tightly hugging him from behind, completely uncaring that people would see them. As a matter of fact, that was the one time Goro didn’t care about being touched in public.
Goro tried not to feel his absence on the too-light bike.
By the time Ann called him, Goro was settled on a restaurant with a view of the almost deserted Zaimokuza Beach.
“Just a second… Just a second,” Ann asked, probably getting comfy on her couch. “Okay, done. How do you want to start?”
They went by topic, and Goro found Ann to be a good debater although she was a bit defensive at times. Goro couldn’t blame her. The entire thing made him uncomfortable in ways other topics didn’t. Starting with history, they gradually built up to where they were as a society now. It was weird how it felt like he already knew all of this info even though he hadn’t cared about the topic until his recent ring breakdown.
Views were all over the place, especially on the materials in English that Ann had found. Two mentioned Africa and the immigration crises in Europe, somehow trying to tie it with same-sex marriage being used as a smokescreen to cover up gay asylum seekers being deported – which Goro kind of got but not really. Some of them talked about alternatives to marriage, like domestic partnerships, cohabitation agreements, and so on, which also caused a delay since they had to stop and research if those were lawful in Japan.
Goro hated the clickbait quality of some of these articles. “Why even get married? Polyamory is the future” and “Romantic love is a fraud – have a child with your best friend”. And so on. They annoyed him to no end as they seemed to only present lists of “look, that person did something different; look at that other person and what they did”, followed by interviews with people he didn’t care about.
Two hours of back and forth before Goro concluded some studies were comprehensive, but most of the rest was written by random people with internet access.
He asked the waiter for the check. His coffee was left forgotten – he had only ordered it to have a reason to stay, anyway.
“Ann-chan, my apologies. I fear I might have wasted our time on this.”
“Hm, why do you say that? I think we covered a lot today.”
“Well, I suppose it was a waste of time from the start to ponder about marriage as an institution since the only person I’d ever want to marry is opposed to it.”
Argh, did that sound self-pitying? Ann’s hum between a coo and an understanding sigh confirmed that it did. “What did you expect was going to happen, then?”
“I am… not so sure myself. Perhaps I thought I could find something to prove him wrong and change his mind, but that was a bit naive of me. It’s too personal a topic,” he confessed. It felt weird sharing this side of himself with someone other than Akira, but he strangely trusted Ann.
“But let me you ask you this-” Ann was pacing around her kitchen, by the acoustics. “Did you change your mind?”
Goro’s mind. Goro saw himself looking back at Akira as they rode down the coastal side, the wind in his hair and a grin on his lips. Hands holding on to Goro. The ring on his finger-
Goro dug his fingernails into his palms. “I suppose I’ll have to change it, somehow.”
“Goro, you can’t be serious.” She sounded angrier than the comment required, in his opinion. “You know that’s not how it works.”
“It’s the only way it will work. Living every day wanting something I can’t get from him is an unsustainable situation, yet being without him would be the worst fate imaginable; something must give.”
“Goro, just….” Ann sighed. “Shouldn’t you at least talk to him about it? Opinions are not set in stone. It’s one thing to talk about something as a hypothetical; it’s another to have the guy you love actually proposing to you.”
Goro wondered if that’s what normal humans were like. If they all sat down and pretended to be mature adults that were super okay and chill with the outcome of a possibly-life-changing probably-relationship-ending conversation.
He played with the lip of the coffee cup, noticing the reflection of the leafless trees outside on the dark liquid. The image was so vivid. He didn’t know it could be like that with coffee. “Perhaps you’re more mature than I am, Ann. I don’t believe I have what it takes to hear him say it all again… Thank you for your help, regardless.”
“Wait, Goro! Can I just say something else, please? Just something to think about,” she said in a hurry like he’d hang up the call after that – smart, since that was his exact intention. “I think studying is important, and debate is important… It’s just that… When we’re talking about someone’s reality – or, well, the reality between two people, I guess – if your reality doesn’t relate to what you read in five hundred studies, it just won’t matter! Because your reality is not that one; you’re in love, you want to do this, you believe it’ll work out. If that’s what makes sense to you, then that’s it.”
The waiter removed his cup before Goro could take one last look at the reflection in the coffee. Looking up, outside was cloudy and ugly, intensifying the melancholy in his heart.
Ann waited for him to voice his opinion, which caused a moment of contemplation. When he didn’t, she continued, “I don’t think this is something that you can just talk yourself out of. You believe in this, you want this. You owe Akira a conversation about your feelings and about how he made you feel. If he doesn’t like it, that’s his problem, he doesn’t have to like it. And you don’t have to like it either. But it’s like you decided in your head that you guys will break up instantly if you talk about it, which isn’t real. And! And… you guys might even find a solution that works for the both of you, so…”
She… was probably right, wasn’t she?
“Anything else?” he asked and hoped it didn’t sound unkind.
“Hm… No, that’s it… Thanks for listening, I guess.”
It would be hard, but perhaps he should just rip the band-aid off. And he did have an agreement with Akira that they would always talk-
A ring for me it’s like handcuffs all over again.
Something in Goro wanted to explode. Goro had been the one responsible for Akira being handcuffed, one of the times. He had betrayed him. Akira was drugged and beaten up because of him-
“I appreciate you saying that to me,” Goro managed to get out of his mouth before hanging up. He had to leave. Now.
Goro stumbled out of the restaurant towards the beach, crossing a dangerous road far away from the pedestrian crossing almost by distraction. It was too cold for a crowd, so Goro became one of the lonely figures wandering the edges of the ocean, feet dragging, the biting wind like a punishment to his eyes.
Funny thing was, he had once flat out told Akira he didn’t regret his actions; wouldn’t regret them. Akira had shrugged then; this was over two years ago when Goro was trying to find a reason to keep breathing the air of this world and Akira seemed to be bumping into him everywhere. At the time, he hadn’t been the warm, open, and affectionate Akira of today, but someone quiet and deceptively docile, hand in his pockets at all times as his gray eyes tried to read Goro with uncanny sharpness.
Akira had shrugged like it didn’t mean much to him that Goro didn’t regret his betrayal. He then proceeded to ask Goro out, although he barely managed to get the words out, overcome by an uncharacteristic stammer.
Goro remembered thinking, What the hell is wrong with this guy?
He’d refused him that first time, hating the casualness of his invitation, as if Goro was some guy in a bar he’d just met. Goro couldn’t do casual. It was a waste of time. It would break him.
On another occasion, Akira stated regret wouldn’t change who a person was. It didn’t invalidate life decisions; mistakes were just part of the human condition. But he didn’t mind if Goro didn’t regret what he did. For Akira, there was no real point to regret, really, and excessive rumination could lead to mental illness. For him, Goro wouldn’t become a better person because he felt bad; he was becoming a better person because he wanted to.
It all sounded like bullshit, of course, and he very much doubted the families of his victims would agree with any of it. But it was Akira who had said it, and Akira’s opinion mattered the most in the world to Goro.
Should he ask for forgiveness now, knowing it had already been granted? Would that make Akira uncomfortable? Would it change something between them?
Truth was, Ann was right about everything – surprisingly enough. When had she become a relationship expert?
But Goro just couldn’t do it; it was that simple. The answer would break him. Having Akira look at him with pity as he reiterated his ring-handcuff comparison, only to shrug, the way he often did, and go to the kitchen to get dinner started…
Goro got the box out of his pocket. The rings looked out of place on this gray, colorless beach. Goro removed his gloves to feel the cold of the metal and marveled at how such a small object could have changed his life so much.
It didn’t feel right to just throw it out into the sea. It had meant a lot to him in the short amount of time Goro had had it in his possession, after all. It had been a symbol of the future Goro wanted to have with Akira.
Maybe a eulogy. With the speech he had prepared for when he’d gift the ring.
To be honest, Goro didn’t know if he’d have the actual guts to say any of it, had that little conversation not casually happened in Leblanc five minutes before they were due to leave, but now he didn’t have that problem, did he? No one was nearby to hear it.
Goro could say the words and the wind would take them away to sea.
With the ring covered with both hands like a shell, Goro placed his lips close to it and decided to whisper every thought he had while coming up with the speech.
“Akira-” he started, and felt weird to be doing this. He breathed into his hands, warming them up together with the ring before he continued. “Akira… I love you so, so much.
Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for staying with me even when I didn’t want to stay with myself. Meeting you was the single most amazing thing that happened in my life, and now I want to earn my place in your life as well.
You’re the one who lives inside of me and makes my feelings magnificent. I want to be your person as well. I want you to lean on me just like I rely on you every day. I promise to share my dreams and goals, and I promise to support you on yours. We’re greater together than apart; we’re the dream team. Nothing would make me happier than if you accepted this ring as a token of my regard for you.”
He finished saying the words, feeling oddly empty. Were they out of his body now, gone for good?
Goro read the engraving one last time. No more what ifs, the ring told him. The ring was wrong.
*****
“Go out with me, ‘Kechi,” Akira had said to him, moving closer to be heard over the jazz band playing something like velvet. “No more what ifs. Just you and me, doing this thing for keeps.”
Akira’s voice had been firm and fond, unwavering, offering him everything he had ever wanted. “You shouldn’t say things like that; you might regret it,” Goro had said looking at the floor and praying the water gathering in his eyes wouldn’t escape and roll down his face.
“Uh-uh. No take-backs between us.”
Akira had taken Goro’s hands in his, not letting go for the rest of the night.
*****
On the ride back, however, Goro could feel his heart changing. It was the sunset as he rode north back to Tokyo. He had seen it so many times before and always with a warm, hopeful feeling of returning home – either with Akira or to Akira.
In the summer, he would take the open road with Akira without any set place in mind. They would ride on and on, stopping to take photos, to investigate interesting places, to kiss (and also so Akira could empty his ridiculously tiny bladder). They would enjoy their silences, their talks about nothing in particular, the conversations people would have with Akira where they opened up about things they shouldn’t tell a stranger.
Gratitude filled his heart. He was doing this to move on, so he could be with Akira. And by this weekend, things could be good enough again so they could ride together to an onsen, or wherever Akira would like to go. Goro could make things good.
Hell, why wait until the summer? Goro could take him to see the illumination festivals Ann was always talking about, maybe even the popular one in Kanagawa Prefecture. It could be a special date for them to splurge.
…
He realized it, sometimes. That life was a miracle.
It was a goddamn miracle Goro was alive, followed by an even more mystifying miracle of Akira sharing his feelings, and finishing with the perplexing current miracle that had kept their relationship going unopposed and unimpeded.
This would have to do. Whatever Akira offered him, he’d take it without complaint. He’d be whatever Akira wanted him to be, take whatever shape he had to fit the beautiful life they were building together.
It was okay. Akira loved him. It had to be okay.
First things first. Getting home, Goro was learning how to cook.
It was high time it happened. It was quite frankly embarrassing that his uselessness in the kitchen had been left unchecked for so long. His rival was light years ahead of him now! Not to mention all the times Akira had to cook even when busy or tired because Goro couldn’t take care of it.
It would be fun to feed Akira for once. Why not do something to make him happy? Goro wanted Akira to have fun with him, to be his go-to person to de-stress from daily problems, not the other way around. Maybe he would wake Akira up with breakfast on his next birthday (surely he could master this by them?¿?).
He (mostly) had the process under control as he followed a YouTube video to a T, when he noticed Akira watching him from the door.
Not with a smile. Or with a cellphone out, taking photos of a historical moment that would be used to tease him later.
It was a guarded expression he used on strangers whom he was still in the process of figuring out.
“Hey, babe,” Goro greeted in a playful tone, to show him the mood was lively tonight. That expression unnerved him and was quite different from the way Akira had looked this morning when they parted. “Didn’t hear you come in.”
“I just got home,” was the somber reply.
When nothing else was offered, Goro tried to focus on the task at hand and not think about this new thing that had walked into their kitchen now. “It should still take some time if you’d like to shower.”
No reply. Goro thought Akira had left when soft footsteps approached from the door, but instead of arms enveloping him from behind, Goro was surprised to see Akira leaning against the sink. He looked almost shy, hands behind him between his back and the sink, except he was still looking at Goro with that weird intensity.
“Why are you making breadcrumbs?”
“It’s for spicy miso chicken wings with potato salad.” Akira’s eyebrows immediately went up. “Yes, I know. It was listed as an easy recipe. Only death will free me now.”
Akira didn’t laugh at his dark joke, which might be a first. “Any special reason for it?” He asked.
“Just wanted to do something nice. We could open Sakura-san’s sake, if you want to finally try it,” Goro suggested, and was again met with dark eyes searching his face for something.
“That sounds good. I would like that,” Akira finally said, stepping forward towards Goro.
The kiss was tentative in ways it hadn’t been in a long time. Careful, even, with their bodies not quite touching, their only point of contact the surface connection of their lips. It reminded Goro of the first few times they kissed – before they started having dates in Goro’s apartment with Akira sitting on his lap and kissing him however much he wanted – like Akira couldn’t decide if he wanted to enjoy the kiss or focus on making it nice and pretty.
“That was nice,” Goro casually observed, after Akira stepped back. “But how about you try again and actually kiss me this time?”
The challenge was clear. Akira glared at him.
Goro half expected to be shoved against the counter, not for Akira to gently remove the knife from his hand and place it in the sink, all the while keeping his eyes on him. Goro felt his back touch the wall, surprised he hadn’t noticed he was stepping back as Akira advanced.
A steady hand on his chest held him firmly against the wall. Goro couldn’t remember how to breathe as Akira cupped his cheek to tilt his head up, breath barely touching his lips, making Goro shiver all over. His eyes closed without permission; looking at Akira so intense and so close was making him burn. Finally, Akira started a slow, sensuous kiss, tasting Goro’s mouth like a delicacy, a rare luxury that had to be savored exquisitely.
This. This was Joker, bold and determined. This was a kiss that demanded complete surrender and gave back passion in return. His heart thundered under the hand on his chest. By the time it was over, Goro imagined he’d open his eyes to see Joker’s infuriating smirk, but was met with vulnerability and affection instead.
“Was that good enough for you, Crow?” A husky voice asked him.
Goro had to clear his throat. “It was- That was good enough, Joker,” he lamely said, taking the hand from his chest to hold in his own. Was Akira’s hand sweaty? “Did I do something to deserve my mouth being eaten like that?”
Akira blushed a little, looking at his captive hand. It was a cute look on him. “I’m just in a good mood.” He looked up at Goro, something bright in his eyes. “Something interesting happened today.”
“Was it the fact a hundred cats crawled all over you?”
Goro was only joking but Akira was taken aback, noticing the fur stuck on his pants.
It was a pity the mood was over as Akira shook off the cat hair from his clothes into the kitchen bin. “Shower before we eat, please.”
“Wait for me. We can cook together,” his boyfriend – still his boyfriend, always – asked, walking towards the door.
“It’s okay. I want to learn how to do it,” Goro explained.
Akira gave him his kindest, warmest smile. “I know. That’s why I’ll teach you.”
Goro smiled back, delighted at the prospect.
“You can even call me Senpai.”
Akira ran out before the spatula could hit him in the head.
*****
Cooking together was equal parts fun and frustration; Goro had no patience for the finesse and subtleties of fine cooking, using too little or too much of everything, no middle ground. Akira’s technique of ‘feel when it’s time’ was also counterintuitive to Goro, who believed ‘cook for 15 minutes’ meant exactly 15 minutes on the clock.
Way-too-long-a-time later, they were sat with everything looking eatable thanks to Akira’s patience thanks to Goro being so talented at everything. Akira had cleaned up quite nicely, going for some date-night clothing instead of his usual pajamas.
Goro gave him an edited-down version of his day, highlighting the discovery of coffee reflection as a source of amusement, but Akira seemed both attentive to Goro and distracted from his words. When he inquired as to Akira’s day, expecting 200 photos of cats to be shoved his way, Akira surprised him again.
“I met Sumire in Ueno Station today.”
“Oh. By chance?” Goro asked, feeling just a little jealous instead of his usual furnace of jealously.
“She was transferring trains when we sort of bumped into each other,” Akira said, taking a long gulp of his sake. Goro wondered if they should have warmed the sake beforehand, but he didn’t understand enough about alcohol to know for sure. “You didn’t mention you saw her a few weeks ago…”
Something cold and dangerous crept down Goro’s spine, either because Akira was now studying his reaction or for a different reason Goro couldn’t elucidate right now. “Oh, did I not mention that? She spotted me somewhere and we talked for maybe two minutes.”
Akira hummed. Was it good humming? Bad humming?
“How is she?” Goro asked out of politeness since she was still Akira’s friend. As his boyfriend updated him on Yoshizawa’s latest accomplishments, Goro searched his brain for a reason for the uneasiness he was experiencing.
Yoshizawa. About two weeks ago.
Oh no.
Goro tried not to majorly freak out, his brain going on overdrive tying it all together with a comment he hadn’t bothered to correct. Trying to cover up his shock, he drank the sake too quickly and ended up choking like a newbie. Akira patted his back for him dutifully.
“Did she say anything else?” he asked, like Japan’s worst private investigator.
Dark eyes. Dark eyes on him, unblinking, unfaltering.
“She wants to have coffee soon when the tournament is over.”
Goro smiled his most convincing fake smile. “Sure. Let me know when you set a date.”
He went back to eating, ignoring on purpose the heavy gaze from across the table. If Yoshizawa had mentioned anything incriminating, surely Akira would comment? Perhaps he should ask her directly, but the idea made him queasy.
Later, Goro found out cleaning up after having cooked for so long was almost like a punishment. Akira loitered around, uncharacteristically not hugging Goro from behind and being a cute nuisance.
When it was time for bed, Akira was still stealing glances from him, unnerving Goro to no end. In the bathroom, Goro hastily typed a message to Yoshizawa, deciding to lie as the truth was too complex and painful to explain.
Goro
Good evening, Yoshizawa-san. I apologize for the late message. Akira mentioned he saw you today.
You didn’t happen to mention the ring, did you?
I still haven’t gotten around to giving it to him yet.
An hour later and still no indication she’d received the message. That was just his luck that he needed to talk to her just as she was competing in a tournament and would ignore any messages for a few days. He tried to call her; no answer.
Akira’s scrutiny continued as they lied in bed. Goro gave in under the heat he imagined feeling radiating from behind him and turned on his side so they could face each other.
“You’ve been quiet tonight,” he noted as an invitation.
Akira bit his lower lip, a habit he had when nervous, which was a rare sight for Goro these days. It was hard to imagine possibilities outside the scenario he’d already created in his head, and yet trying to confirm said scenario could expose the truth in case Goro was wrong.
“Hey, Akira.” He tried something else. “Would you like to visit Zaimokuza Beach on Sunday?”
He’d almost chosen someplace else. The wind in Zaimokuza carried Goro’s secrets around.
His boyfriend seemed to inhale deeply before answering. “Yes. I would love that.”
*****
Akira continued to be a disconcerting enigma throughout the week. Yoshizawa remained useless, not even reading the message. Goro wondered when this would all be over.
On Sunday afternoon, Akira took a long shower, put on his best clothes, and styled his hair (or at least tried, bless him). Goro felt underdressed and inelegant, even though he knew the wind would ruin any hairdo.
“You are looking slick,” he observed and hoped his voice didn’t sound as dry as his throat felt.
Akira preened, his smirk both cocky and pleased. He was a cute son of a bitch. “It’s how I usually look.”
Goro couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “No, it isn’t,” he managed to say. “Who are you trying to impress? You know I’ve seen you with gum in your hair, right?”
“Gorooo,” Akira whined, following him out the door.
He kissed Akira before they climbed on the motorcycle to acknowledge his effort. For some reason, Akira deepened the kiss unexpectedly, demanding Goro’s surrender to the kiss, which Goro couldn’t resist. When his boyfriend was eventually satisfied yet still kept their bodies flushed together, Goro had to ask.
“Do you… not want to go out anymore?”
That made Akira let go of him instantly. “No! Let’s go. I wanna go to our beach.”
The first part of the ride was slightly… uncomfortable for Goro. Akira didn’t make it easier holding on to him so tightly.
It was still sunny by the time they hit the sand, keeping their boots on. There seemed to be more families walking about this time. A small boy tried making a run for the water only to be caught by his mother in a last-second catch. Seeing that, Akira laughed, turning back to him.
God. His windswept hair. The bright setting sunlight on his smiling face. Akira was still perfect.
Maybe Goro just wasn’t perfect for him anymore.
Perhaps sensing a shift in his mood, Akira walked by his side brushing their shoulders together. When the ocean waves became tinged with orange, everyone stopped to take photos.
Akira spent about five minutes doing the same before Goro lost his thin patience. “Is your obsession with sunset photos over yet? Can you put the phone down and spend time with your boyfriend, please?”
That only got him a knowing smirk and obligatory selfies where Akira looked radiant and Goro looked at him annoyed slash endeared slash in love.
When he was finally happy with the results, he turned to Goro with sunlight in his eyes. “Any particular reason for inviting me out to our special spot, Crow?”
Goro wondered if there were right and wrong answers to that. “Just thought it’d be nice to hang out here before it’s too cold to visit.”
“Cool. Let’s hang out,” Akira agreed, linking their arms together. They ignored occasional glances at them; it was easy to do that when Goro was nervous trying not to freak out with what he was about to say.
“Hey. Akira,” he started when they were at the halfway point. Akira stopped, looking at him with more expectation than Goro was prepared for.
“Yes, Goro?” He said after Goro’s courage eluded him.
You need to get it out. Just do it. “I wanted to talk about something that might make you uncomfortable…”
Akira sucked in a breath. “It’s okay. Go ahead.”
“Do you-” Did speaking always felt this raspy? “Do you remember when I said I didn’t regret the things I did?”
That seemed to give Akira pause. He nodded, though, after a moment.
“Well, I do regret some of it,” Goro admitted, feeling weird that such a strong sentiment could be summarized with such simple words. “And I guess I want to apologize for being an asshole and saying that to you. And apologize for what I did… to you.”
The tenderness was gone from his boyfriend’s face as he crossed his arms. “Why are you doing this now?”
Goro was at a loss here. “Is that not… something you wanted to know?”
Pity and a bit of annoyance showed on Akira’s face. “Oh, Goro, did you think I didn’t know that?” He shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. “Of course I know you regret what you did.”
“You do?” Goro echoed in a daze. “How?”
“We love each other. You band-aid small cuts on my fingers. Of course you regret putting me in a situation where I was hurt,” Akira all but exclaimed, frustrated by the question.
“Are you- Are you being obtuse on purpose?” Goro noticed his tone get louder and more aggressive. He felt powerless to stop it, along with the words that came out next. “‘A situation where you were hurt’… I fucking sold you out. They tortured you.”
A sharply drawn breath. Akira turned around to walk back. “I can’t talk to you when you’re using that tone-”
“Akira, why are downplaying what I did?” Goro pulled him back by the arm. Akira seemed astonished by the action, even though there was barely any force to it. It was rare for their disagreements to involve a physical element. “I knew they were going to do it. Did you know that part?” Akira just stared at him, his breathing a bit heavy, and Goro wondered if he never imagined that possibility. “Won’t you at least acknowledge I betrayed you?”
Akira pulled his arm to himself, putting his hands inside his pockets in a casual way that infuriated Goro beyond any reasonable motive. His gray eyes were burning in the last moments of sunset, almost brown.
“It’s true. They beat me up, pretty badly. Is that what you want to hear?” His voice was heavy with tension and anger, contradicting his slumped posture. “I had nightmares for months. I’m doing much better now; try not to think about it too much,” he shrugged, but it looked aggressive instead of nonchalant. “What are you gonna do now, huh? You gonna drown yourself in the sea? Will that make me feel better, Goro?”
Before he could think them through, words that had caused hurt in the past left his mouth once again. “There’s something wrong with you-”
“Why? Because I refuse to feel bad about the past? I don’t care. I wish it never happened, but it did, and now we all gotta live with it.” Akira was furious and showing it, not even trying to go for his cold and restrained anger. “I killed a god – two gods, actually. My parents still won’t talk to me over a crime I never committed. One of my best friends is a talking cat. And the guy who shot me in the head is now my boyfriend who kisses my forehead every night. That’s life for you.”
Akira kicked the sand, seeming unsure of what to do with his body.
“The one who is uncomfortable here is you. I’m trying to help you move on, Goro, but you gotta let me.”
Goro wanted to laugh hysterically. “You say that but you won’t even let me apologize!”
“Because I forgave you like a hundred years ago!” Akira shouted.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have…”
“Whether I forgive you or not is my decision, not yours. You say you want to apologize, but you don’t. You want to feel bad because you enjoy hurting yourself, or something. Well, I’m not gonna be a part of that,” he said with an arrogant smile, raising his hands in surrender. “I know everything you did. You think I’m going to stop liking you? I fucking love you. So do your worse, Akechi Goro. I’m not gonna change my mind about you.”
Before Goro could take any of that in, he noticed someone approaching in the corner of his eyes – an older man.
Several people nearby stared at them with apprehension.
“No, no! This isn’t a fight,” Akira shouted at them to be heard over the waves.
“We’re just talking,” Goro confirmed, gesticulating.
Akira nodding enthusiastically. “We know each other. It’s okay.”
“No one’s fighting.” Goro raised his own empty hands, echoing Akira’s gesture. He wondered how that conversation sounded out of context, or if anyone had been able to make out the words at all. Akira had deflated, looking a bit embarrassed now. Goro felt too tired to continue. He didn’t have anything else to add. “We should head back.”
“Wait!” It was Akira now who grabbed his arm, almost immediately letting go as he realized people were still stealing glances at them. “That’s not how I wanted our weekend to go. Can’t we just start over?”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Are you serious?”
“I wanted us to have a good day today,” Akira said with his most persuasive tone. “Isn’t there a reason you brought me here?”
Goro couldn’t help but stare. Akira looked agitated, maybe even shy, his hands nervously smoothing out the wrinkles on his shirt, eyes going from the ground up to Goro again, uncertain.
“Do you know?” Goro asked although it was pointless. He knew the answer. “She told you.”
Akira bit his lip, hard. “In Sumi’s defense, she thought it was a done deal-”
“Oh my god-” Was this quicksand? Goro had to grab onto his knees not to fall.
“-And that you had already gone through with it on my birthday.”
Akira at least had the sense to look apologetic as Goro’s face caught on fire.
“What did she say exactly?” He asked, every scenario playing in his head at once.
“Goro, c’mon-”
“No. I need to know.”
“She hugged me to congratulate me…” Akira grimaced, contrite and embarrassed. “…on our engagement. And from there I kind of got what happened.”
He wanted to scream and scream and scream. It came out in the form of an ugly smile. “That must have been such a nightmare for you, right? Someone thinking you were engaged.”
There was a shift in perspective as his feet started taking him away in the direction of the bike. Had he given them this order? He couldn’t think past the agony he was feeling.
“‘Kechi. ‘Kechi, please,” Akira shouted after him, putting himself in his path when Goro didn’t stop walking. “I’m sorry, okay! I’m sorry I expressed myself… like that, that time.”
…
Akira was sorry. For what? For saying what he thought? Goro was the one who wanted something that had never been offered.
“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just leave,” Goro begged him – out loud, in his mind, in his heart – regretting every decision that had led him here.
“It does matter,” Akira pressed on, his face earnest, his tone urgent. “That’s why you haven’t asked yet, right?”
“There’s no ‘yet’, Joker. I’m not about to propose to a guy who compared marriage to prison.” He should stop now. Stop talking.
“That was- I didn’t-” Affliction was a terrible look on Akira but Goro felt a twisted pleasure for making it happen. “I didn’t know you were gonna do that that night. If I knew, I wouldn’t have said those things…”
“Oh, you would have accepted the ring, then? So I wouldn’t feel bad, is that it? I’m a fucking charity case to you after all-”
Devastated. There was no other word for Akira right now. “How can you say that-”
Stop. Don’t say words anymore.
Akira’s hurt felt good.
“You would do the same to me, what you do to the others. You just say whatever they want to hear and they love you for it. You’d have accepted the ring because that’s what I wanted, even if it was torture for you-”
“I don’t know, okay! I don’t know what I would have done,” Akira almost shouted, body tense, hands in fists. “But I know what I wanna do now. So, won’t you… ask me now?”
This conversation made no sense to Goro anymore. “What for? Nothing’s changed.”
“It has. I changed my mind.” Akira crossed his arms, obstinate. Goro was never going to leave this beach alive. Could he swim home?
“Joker, people don’t just ‘change their minds’ over something this personal, something that has to do with their core values. You’re either lying to yourself or me,” he concluded, feeling cocky about it for only a second before Akira rolled his eyes at him. That was a Goro action, when had Akira started doing it?
“Wow, those are my only two options, huh?”
“Maybe the Phantom Thieves stole your heart?” He tried for humor but Akira didn’t even acknowledge it.
“It’s impossible to you that I might have thought about it and found other points of view?”
Strangely, Goro could hear the words but not understand what they meant when put in that order. He felt like he'd never change his opinion on the matter, so to hear that Akira could change his own viewpoint seemed unimaginable. “Okay. What other ‘points of view’ convinced you that marriage is no longer a fraud and that you can’t wait to do it, all of a sudden?”
Akira let out an exasperated sigh. “Fine. Marriage as an institution was created to control people, or whatever. It’s an invention. But the union between people isn’t. Human beings have been having relationships with each other since we have been human beings. We’re social creatures. Maybe marriage is now a piece of paper, but we do live in a capitalistic, bureaucratic world, a world where you need that piece of paper so you can make some important life decisions with your partner.”
Goro must have honestly lost all capability for speech comprehension. Akira huffed, both frustrated and embarrassed by his lack of reaction.
“Shibuya gives out something called ‘partnership certificates’”, he continued. “They aren’t really marriage certificates since same-sex marriage is not recognized, but they still grant some benefits, like hospital visitation rights and other things. I think it would be great if we had something like that, to ensure our rights… as a couple.”
Finally ending his little speech, Akira looked at him with hesitation, maybe some eagerness too. Goro crossed his arms.
“That sounds extremely boring. Are you mistaking me for someone else?”
“What?” Akira said, and Goro felt like he had kicked a puppy.
A puppy he wanted to kick again.
“Do you think that’s what I want from you, Akira? Some paper saying I can visit you in the hospital? If you were hospitalized, I would fucking dare some piece of trash to try and stop me from seeing you.”
His words laid heavily over them. Goro meant every syllable of them, knew he’d climb the walls to get to Akira’s room window without a second thought. But that was not the point.
“I want your fucking future, Joker. I want to be your husband, and to call you that, and to have everyone accept that,” he screamed, the most honest words out of his mouth in weeks.
Akira stared at him with awe fright panic longing---
Holy fuck, had Goro just used the word ‘husband’ out loud?
“But the government-” Akira started but couldn't finish as Goro huffed in frustration.
“Wow, Joker. The government doesn’t recognize our union? Whatever shall we do now? Could I care less if I tried? That some Shido wanna-be with a peanut-sized dick thinks gays are gross?” He mocked with the most scorn he could muster, not expecting Akira to burst out laughing as Goro measured with his finger what peanut-sized looked like.
With how heartbroken he had looked so far, it was amazing to suddenly see that expression on Akira’s face.
It wouldn’t live long, unfortunately, because Goro couldn’t let this last part torment only him. “It has nothing to do with the legal system recognizing it or not. It’s about us recognizing it. And you made it clear that you don’t.”
Just like that, Akira looked ready to cry. “Goro, how can you say that? I love you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”
The silence was thick between them before Goro said, “Sure. Let’s do that then.”
“Are you-” Akira jumped to the side as a wave touched his boot. They stepped further away from the sea, both surprised how late it had become. “Are you not hearing me? I want the same thing you want.”
Goro could only sigh now that he'd said all the things he’d wanted to say. He felt empty, just like the day he whispered his marriage proposal to the ring on this same beach. “Great then. Let’s go home, it’s getting cold.”
Akira threw his hands in the air. “I wanna marry you too!”
This was so painful. And it would never be over. They would stay here until one of them died. Goro started to walk away, this time with purpose. “Not the way I want it, no.”
Akira seized his arm but Goro kept on walking. “Can you stop pretending the conversation is over, please?”
He turned to Akira, grabbing both his arms and pulling him close. He wanted to shake him, violently, wanted to leave him on this beach and never speak with him again-
“I’m not doing anything, Akira. I just want to go home now,” is what he said instead, and found that was truer than the thoughts in his head.
“I’m just- I just wanna talk-”
“But I don’t want to, okay? I don’t want to talk.”
There was a universe of emotions behind Akira’s eyes.
They silently walked through the almost deserted beach, Goro barely taking notice of the cold and the scenery until they got to the bike.
His boyfriend – not his husband, never his husband – climbed on the bike behind him, holding on but not too closely. It was a blessing that he knew the way home almost on intuition by now because Goro was basically going in whatever direction his bike pointed to.
It was the worst ride they ever had together.
At home, they each went their own way, Goro eating a simple egg sandwich from Lawson in front of his computer, Akira watching his shoujo anime in silence. Perhaps it was an early Christmas miracle, perhaps Akira was just as tired as Goro felt, but he didn’t try to talk again.
When they were both in bed facing the walls, Goro wondered how come it hadn’t occurred to him to sleep on the couch or to ask his boyfriend for some space.
Did he want space, though? He didn’t want to leave him, even though he knew ‘space’ was something that couples did on TV when they fought.
“Can I just say something? I promise I’m not trying to start it again,” Akira quickly said without turning to look at him. Goro didn’t move either, only hummed his consent.
Akira took a long time to answer. “Next time you feel uncomfortable and you want to leave, just say that and I’ll try to respect it, okay? You don’t have to lie about being sick.”
That made him twist his exhausted body around to look at Akira. “You knew I was lying?”
Akira softly sighed, turning towards him as well. “Goro, last time you had the flu you wouldn’t let me get near you on the chance I might catch it. You wanted to stay in a hotel for like a week.”
That made him press his fingers against the bridge of his nose. If a man blushed in the darkness and no one saw, had he really blushed? “I’m sorry I lied to you.”
There was a noise, like a whine that wanted to be a hum but came out as a sigh. Goro felt like that too.
Goro turned back to his wall. “And I’m sorry I said cruel things to hurt you.”
He was almost asleep when Akira whispered, sounding so far away Goro felt as if he was on a different planet, “Goro… What about the ring?”
He had just apologized for lying. He should just tell him what he did, but the truth was once again too painful to say as well as to hear.
“I returned it to the store,” he lied once again and closed his eyes.
*****
Goro didn’t know how to cross the mile-long chasm between them the following week.
A normal person would probably talk about their feelings with their partner. Akechi Goro had never been normal. Kurusu Akira wouldn’t be half as attracted to him otherwise.
On Monday evening, Akira again gravitated around him looking like a kicked puppy that still wanted a cuddle despite the ill-treatment. On Tuesday, Goro texted that he wouldn’t be home for dinner and got a reply reminding him to eat healthy. Goro chose a sandwich with some leaves in it to honor that request.
On Wednesday, Sakamoto demanded Akira’s presence in Kabukicho to quote get drunk and vent and shit unquote. Goro was relieved to do his house cleaning without any interruptions, although he couldn’t truly fall asleep until Akira came back. He suspiciously didn’t smell of alcohol though, which was a hard feat at Shinjuku Golden Gai, even if one didn’t drink.
On Thursday, Goro convinced himself mad. Akira had said he wanted to marry him; what goddamn difference did it make if it was a party, a piece of paper, or a ceremony conducted by the pope of the Catholic Church? They would be pledging to love each other and stay with each other. What was with this need of Goro’s to have things be his way?
(And Akira might be right about guaranteeing their rights.)
On Friday, Goro miserably realized it just was. This was important to him. It wouldn’t stop being important to him, as far as he could see. He’d just have to compromise, even if he wouldn’t be 100% happy – who could, anyway?
He had been, the day he bought the ring-
The important thing was to not break up, he decided on his way home. Because then it would truly be ‘no more what ifs’ for them. His relationship with Akira was too important to be jeopardized by wishful thinking on his part.
Of course, it’s on Friday evening that Goro came home to find the entire apartment was a fire hazard. Possibly 200 hundred candles over every surface impressively lit the way to the table.
He sighed, feeling his face getting warm preemptively – or maybe it was a warm-up for whatever cheesy nonsense Akira was about to pull. “Akiraaa,” he called from the door.
His boyfriend stuck his head out of the kitchen, looking sheepish. “Hey, babe. You’re a bit early today…”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Let me come back when the fire department gets here,” he quipped, not foreseeing Akira’s laughter and his prompt return to his cooking.
He approached the kitchen with caution. It was a war zone in there, with Akira commending the troops to make an intricate dish Goro couldn’t recognize. Underneath his ‘kiss the cook’ apron, he was again using his best clothes, for Goro’s amazement anxiety.
“Hey, Akira, babe…” he started, tentatively. “It’s tonight date night?”
Akira shrugged. “Well, you know, I thought we might do something nice. We still have about 15 minutes if you’d like to shower.”
Goro would not like to shower. Goro would like to know what the hell is really going on in this apartment.
Goro still showered within the time limit.
Akira was waiting for him, appraising with delight Goro’s choice of outfit.
“Akira-”
“No, Goro. We eat first,” Akira decided, pulling back a chair for Goro to sit. “You wouldn’t want my hard work to go to waste, right?”
Manipulative little shit, Goro thought as his face burned without his consent when Akira touched and pressed on his shoulder after pushing the chair forward.
Turned out the complicated dish was ‘just spaghetti’ (“Honeymoon spaghetti, actually,” Akira had said, smirking as Goro choked, the little devil). It was amazing, like everything he did, and Goro couldn’t help but appreciate what a lovely dinner it was with Akira basking in candlelight.
They talked about their day and Goro couldn’t believe how much he had missed doing that. When they were done, Akira got up to fetch dessert, but Goro was at his limit.
“Don’t you want dessert?” Akira asked with his copyrighted dejected tone that always ensured Goro fell in love.
“I do. After you tell me what this is,” he said, tone firm, eyes unwavering. He gestured to the seat Akira just vacated.
Akira crossed his arms, refusing to sit down. “I thought you knew a marriage proposal when you saw one.”
It was the boldness of the statement together with the sight of Akira fidgeting, changing his weight from one leg to the other. It was fucking beautiful. Akira was a son of a bitch and also the love of Goro’s life.
“If this is about the partnership certificate… I think you’re right, we should probably get that,” Goro admitted more easily out loud than to himself. He looked around the room. “There was no need to do all this.”
“Nah. That bullshit certificate can go up in flames.” Goro lifted an eyebrow. This side of Joker was attractive, to say the least. “It’s not legally binding, anyway. Hospitals can ignore it if they want.”
“You did your research,” Goro noted with appreciation. Bold and analytical. Goro liked it a lot.
“Yeah, well…” Akira couldn’t decide if he should preen or blush under heated scrutiny. “Anyways, this is an official marriage proposal, as I was saying-”
“Akira-”
“No, no. Don’t interrupt,” his boyfriend commanded. Hot. “It’s what I just said, but with a twist.”
From a pocket, like a showman, Akira pulled out a familiar jewelry box and laid it on the table. For a moment, Goro was astounded – how could Joker have that, how how how – until he remembered the fate of that box. This had to be a different one.
“Do you know what this is, Akechi Goro?”
“Why, one could surmise it is a small jewelry of some sort, Kurusu-kun,” Goro replied with some glee, getting into the game despite himself.
“Quite right. It’s my engagement ring to you. Well, actually…” he coughed, losing a bit of his bravado as he blushed. “It was a bit on the expensive side, so it’ll also have to be your marriage ring. But it’s good enough, I promise! Also, small side note, we should probably discuss our finances tomorrow-”
“Joker…”
“Yes, okay. Back to it. The twist is…” Akira went back into character, placing a fingertip on top of the black box. “If this is the same ring you got for me, you have to accept to marry me.”
Goro was speechless for about five seconds, to Akira’s clear enjoyment. “What the hell, Akira?”
“Sumi-chan only mentioned you bought the ring in an Omotesando store. Since she’s not picking up the phone-”
“Because of the tournament-” they both said in unison, to Akira’s delighted surprise. Goro rolled his eyes at him.
“I went to every single store in Omotesando-”
“Of course you did-” he groaned.
“And the nearby neighborhoods, until I found the ring that I believe to be the same ring you found.” He tapped on the box and Goro almost grabbed it and threw it out the window out of spite. “When I show you this, Akechi Goro, I want- no, I demand you be honest with me.”
It was the sudden serious tone that got Goro’s anxiety to make a comeback. “Okay…”
“If this is the same ring that you bought, I want you to admit it’s because we’re soulmates.”
Goro scoffed (the alternative was to combust and die). “If it’s the same ring, it just means we have similar taste.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Akira insisted, stubborn and unyielding. “And you know it.”
He wanted to go up to the roof and scream at Tokyo. Yet, he couldn’t. He had to see inside the box now. “You drive a hard deal, Joker. I wonder what the other side of that is. What happens if the ring is not the same?”
He shrugged. “Then I try something else to convince you tomorrow-”
Goro laughed without mirth. “Come now. Surely you can see how unbalanced your bet is. If positive, winner takes all. If negative, winner gets to play again the next day without any consequences.”
“Very well. What do you suggest, Crow?”
That we never talk of marriage again came to mind, but never left his lips.
“What are your intentions with this?”
Akira sighed heavily. “I told you. To marry you.”
“And you won’t stop?”
“…Not unless you really don’t want to.” Akira moved around restlessly. “But you said you wanted to. Did that change?”
Goro finished the rest of his water. When he leaned forward to take the box, Akira covered Goro’s hand with his.
“I’m not really gonna make you do it. I just said that for the flair,” Akira told him quietly, all of the glamour gone.
“No, I know,” he reassured Akira.
“But I would like to be considered seriously.” And with a heated exchange of looks, Akira allowed him to take the box.
Goro didn’t waste a second before opening it. He hummed, taking in the sight as he felt Akira stand paralyzed on the other side of the table.
How peculiar.
“No, I’m sorry,” he said to be an asshole and watch as Akira’s face fell, only to add, “This is the ring I bought for myself. The one I bought for you was its match.”
“Oh screw you, Akechi,” Akira yelled, bending forward and holding on to the chair in front of him for balance. “That was an asshole thing to do!”
“I’m just trying to keep things interesting for you as well.” Goro smiled like a wolf. He took the ring out – perfect size for him, no engraving.
“That still counts, though.”
“Does it?” he asked, putting the ring neatly back inside the box. “We never stipulated on the conditions for the matching pair.”
“But I would have bought both rings if I had the money!” Akira whined. “You just make more money than me. This isn’t fair.”
Goro’s wolf smile turned fond without his permission – goddamnit. He got up and petted his flustered boyfriend on the shoulder.
“Come. Let’s take a breather.”
He went to the balcony – thankfully, it wasn’t too cold that evening. Goro took his usual lounge chair on the left, reclining, and gestured for Akira to join him. The oh-so-great showman sat on the second lounge chair turned to him, clearly not here to sit back and take it easy.
Not so far away, Tokyo Tower looked particularly appealing in red and gold colors. Akira wasn’t enjoying the view, though, staring at him like that.
“Did you like that other ring?” Goro finally asked.
“Yeah. It’s amazing, ‘Kechi.” Akira leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He rubbed his hands together to ward off the cold. “But I thought you’d buy this one since it’s more your style.”
Goro took that beloved hand into his. “It was a present for you. It should have your style.”
It felt nice. Akira still had this expecting face, though, like Goro could hand him the answers of the universe.
“I don’t believe you've changed your mind, as you claim,” he confessed. It was an annoying comment to make, but it was true for him nonetheless.
“I know.” Akira sighed, playing with Goro’s fingers by caressing them one by one like a massage. “Do you remember when I gave you the album?”
“Huh. I wouldn’t forget.” The album. Their most personal item. The object Goro would save in a fire.
“It was like… you said you didn’t blame me for forgetting your birthday, but you refused to celebrate it another day. You were so different with me. I was desperate to find a way to make it right between us, but it was like you wouldn’t let me, like you wanted to have a wall separating us,” Akira confessed, agitated and eager. “And then, I got you the album, and you actually, honest-to-god forgave me and I was so relieved. I couldn’t believe I actually found a solution for my epic screw-up.”
Hearing about what had been a transformative event for him told through Akira’s eyes was truly fascinating. “But?” he asked. “What’s the ‘but’ in this little story?”
“I still couldn’t forgive myself,” Akira easily admitted. “I constantly thought about it, about how I convinced you to celebrate your birthday after you hadn’t done it since you were five years old; how I got you so excited and nervous for it-”
“I was hardly nervous…”
“-And I imagined your face, you sitting there in our restaurant realizing I wasn’t going to show up…” An intense kiss on his hand. Akira pressed Goro’s knuckles against his forehead, like the thought alone still made him hurt. “It just broke my fucking heart, ‘Kechi. To know I did that to you, and that I was part of the long list of people in your life that let you down…
Because that’s the thing with you, Goro. People lied to you your entire life, so you don’t trust words; you’re all about the actions. I can tell you every day how happy I am that you were born on this planet, but when I stood you up on the day of your birth, that negated everything I could say. So I had to prove it to you-”
“Oh, you idiot-” Goro wanted to facepalm, hard. “Is that why you celebrated my birthday every day for a month?”
“You wouldn’t have believed me otherwise-”
Goro couldn’t stay lying down for this. He sat back. “Okay. Don’t tell me what I am or am not; that really fucking annoys me. Second, do you know why I forgave you, dummy? It wasn’t because of some photo album or because you made me cake every day until I threatened to strangle you if you didn’t stop.”
Akira meekly answered, “…No?”
“It was what you said when you gave me the album.” He sighed, preparing himself to repeat the cheesiness from hell that made his heart soft. “That every year on my birthday we’d look at it together and I’d see how many new photos there were, because we’d have spent the last 365 days together and you’d make sure to take photos of our happy moments, and there would be a lot of them since you’d make sure of it.”
Watery eyes begged him for a hug. Goro was in an indecisive state between puking and cuddling him. God, he hated/loved what that all did to him.
“You could never be on that list, Akira, especially if your worst crime against me was to stand me up once,” he said, considering if he should list his sufferings and deciding it would only upset Akira. “I don’t care that you make mistakes. Because I know it’s never on purpose and that you’ll make up for them with your overblown, thoughtful gestures… My problem…
My problem is that you sat there, right in front of me, and talked about how getting a wedding ring would be like a prison sentence. After the two years we’ve spent together, all the conversations we’ve had, after all our promises, and you were basically either telling me that marriage with me was a life sentence, or that you thought of yourself as single and getting proposed by this hypothetical new boyfriend was the sentence. Frankly, I don’t know which one is worse.”
There. It was done, he had said it all. It was awful and he felt excessively vulnerable, yet the emptiness that had followed previous confessions didn’t happen.
Akira looked alarmed, finally taking in the hurt his callous words had caused. “I promise, I don’t think of myself as single. The opposite. I think about us all the time, every day.”
Goro took his hand back to properly massage his temples. “When I get asked about children, marriage – or anything to do with romance or life, really – I always think of you, because you’re the one I envision in my future. Why would you think of a hypothetical new person unless you didn’t see me in your future?”
Akira genuinely gulped, awe in his eyes. “What did you answer…. about the children?”
Was it too late to jump out of the balcony? There was no hope with this boy. “Really? You want to start on that now?”
“Goro… Goro.” Akira reached for his hand again only to think better of it and place his slightly trembling hands on his knees. “I don’t know why I said it like that in front of you and why it never occurred to me I was being hurtful. I can one hundred percent assure you that I didn’t have you in mind when I said it, which I know doesn’t make it better since I should have you in mind… If I’m going to analyze it right here on the spot, I’d say that I never really updated my stance on marriage since I was a teen. I think I was still talking from that point of view?
Those things I said are articles I half-read on Tumblr when I was 16 and I’ve never bothered to actually update my opinion or to even finish reading them, really. They’re just things that made sense to me at the time and sort of became my opinion by default. So when friends asked stuff like ‘Would you ever move to Europe? Would you travel to Mars? Would you ever get married?’, this was my clever little reply to that last one.”
This… this was interesting. As was his nature, Joker had again given him an unconventional perspective his fixated mind hadn’t been able to see. Which raised the question… If Goro had talked to Akira instead of drowning in his own defeatist sorrow, would he have discovered this sooner?
Goro wanted to hide his face. He would also have to call Ann tomorrow.
“Crow,” Akira said to get his attention back. Could he see the change he elicited in Goro? It was probably written all over his face. “When Sumire congratulated me on my ‘engagement’, it was something else. It was like I never even heard of marriage but I was already mad that I wasn’t in it yet. And then you wouldn’t fucking… propose, and I knew it had to do with me saying those things, but I didn’t know how to fix it because you don’t believe words. Most of the time…” he added, to avoid another round of examples to the contrary. “That ring is all I could think about since I heard of it.”
Was Goro crying in the middle of a conversation? Surely not, that was an Akira thing. Akira, who was once more looking at him like Goro was a tiny kitten in a stupid YouTube video.
“Akira-” he said, had to clear his throat, had to push his boyfriend – his fiancé, possibly – away so he could finish what he had to say before they hugged and never parted again. “Akira. You can’t take it back later- I won’t let you-”
He smiled broadly, half-Joker, half-Akira, all Goro’s. “No take-backs.”
Goro still had to rest his forehead on his knees to calm down as Akira for once impatiently waited for him to be functional again.
“How do you want this?” he asked, turning his head to look at Akira from his safe space.
“Oh, I want a big, fat party, and I want us to look amazing, for people to actually weep when they look at us and know they can’t have us.”
Goro burst out laughing, joined by an Akira who said it all with a vengeance like this was payback against a society that didn’t acknowledge them. Not everyone knew of this side of him, that was so much like Goro with a bit of a dark sense of humor and irreverent remarks.
Akira sat next to him; reassuring touches helping Goro unravel from his cocoon and lean back on the lounge chair. His almost-definitely fiancé continued, “And I don’t care if same-sex marriage is legal or not-”
“It isn’t-”
“I don’t care. There’s this temple in Saitama that has ceremonies for gay couples-”
“Yes! Saimyoji Temple,” Goro interjected, instantly remembering the photos he saw online.
“Y- yeah,” Akira stuttered as they realized they did the same research. Goro liked an Akira that did research. “And huh… And I want to tell everybody that you’re my husband. I literally want every human being I meet to know you’re mine.”
Goro’s smile was bigger than his face. Was it possible for the human body to contain this much happiness? Surely he would explode. “Are you mine as well, or is it one-sided?”
“Goro,” Akira whispered to him. “I have been yours for longer than I can tell you.”
Fucking beautiful. This was his boy right here. He extended his hand for Akira to shake. “I accept then.”
After a firm handshake, Joker smirked, smug and happy beyond socially acceptable levels. “You have to accept. You lost the bet.”
“That’s debatable and you know it.”
Without acknowledging this last comment, Akira lay down next to him, warm limbs wrapping around him like a sexy clingy octopus. His fiancé – yhrsyhnrunsb – apparently had no more intentions of talking tonight, if all the kissing and rubbing and soft moaning was any indication, but Goro still had one last thing to do so they could start this engagement – holy fucking god – right.
“Just one more thing,” Goro decided to say, Akira not even stopping the kisses to his face to hear him out. “I lied. I didn’t return the ring… I buried it.”
That got him paying attention. “What! Gorooo!” Akira lightly swatted his arm. Goro decided to take it without retaliation as an engagement present to him.
“It was engraved! They have a non-return policy. I planned to throw it in the ocean so you wouldn’t find it but I couldn’t do it, in the end.” He pulled Akira closer again, trying to make the ‘tiny kitten’ face for once to see if it helped his case.
Apparently, it did, with Akira kissing the tip of his nose.“No more lying.”
“In my defense… You’re the one consciously marrying a known liar, so that’s on you, really.”
Akira straddled him, swatting his shoulder this time. “Excuse me, sir. Are you trying to blame me for your misbehavior?”
Hot. Hot demanding Akira. Goro tried to restart the kissing, all sorts of scenarios playing in his head with his cute as fuck fiancé straddling him, but of course, Akira couldn’t let it go now.
“Well! Where is it?”
*****
And that was how Akechi Goro found himself in Zaimokuza Beach at 2 in the morning digging a hole by a rock with Akira holding their phones’ flashlights, instead of being home commemorating their engagement by making Akira come repeatedly and hard.
Two failed attempts and one excruciating chat with the local guards later, he found the familiar black box. Overjoyed – both by the ring and for the fact he could return the new ring in the morning, the cheap little shit – Akira made him repeat his embarrassing speech, made him get on one knee to put the ring on his finger, made Goro stand still while Akira got on one knee to do the same.
It was cold as hell but Akira wouldn’t let him feel the chill for long, hugging him and kissing him and making him carry him in his arms as he shouted to the ocean that he was marrying Akechi Goro. Goro was only super in love mildly mortified.
The ride back home was their best so far.
*****
Checking her messages after the tournament, Sumire would find, for her confusion, 25 messages from Akira-senpai panicking over the address of a jewelry store and exactly two messages from Akechi-senpai. One asked if she had told Akira-senpai about the ring (oh what had she done!), and the other was a photo of the two of them on a beach smiling genuinely at the camera and showing off matching rings.
*****
Bonus moment of Yusuke bringing them his engagement present: a new version of the drawing, but this time with adult Akira serving him coffee as Goro openly looked at him with adoration.
“Oh my god! This is the best thing ever!”
“Why, god, why…”
“Baby! Baby, look at you. You look so happy.”
“You look happier than me,” Goro said petulantly.
Akira was absolutely all smiles, no holding back. “I do. Because I’m looking at you.”
“Argh, Akira-”