Chapter Text
The faux leather-bound journal weighs heavily in Jeongin’s hands. He gently brushes the pads of his fingertips over the cover. It's cold and rigid under his palm.
Nervously, he opens it:
PROPERTY OF
YANG JEONGIN
TIME: 11:09 PM, SATURDAY, SOMETIME IN JUNE.
Wow. I don't know what I thought I was going to accomplish by opening this journal but... yeah, I'm really not sure what to say. I've been trying to put my thoughts into words all fucking day but it's just not happening. I feel blank.
You know, you think I would've prepared myself for this. I thought it was forever, I guess I'm naïve, what do I know? I miss him. I know that. I want him to show up at my window and tell me he's just kidding. I want to see "can i call u?" sitting right underneath the do not disturb on my screen but I know that’s not going to happen. I really ... I don't know. I've never heard him talk with so much finality. I think he meant it. He needs space, time. He needs to "figure himself out" and while I get it – I do – it just hurts. Maybe I'm selfish for making it about how I'm feeling. He needs stability and I want to be that for him but it's hard to be someone's stability when all they do is pull away.
I thought writing this out would be therapeutic but it's not. It just hurts. Now that I'm writing this out it's all so much more real than it was before. He's really gone - not in a literal sense, Jesus, no. I don't know why I'm writing like you're some kind of omnipresent all knowing being but – he's not gone gone, just... gone and I really don't know if or when he's coming back.
He came to me bleach-blond and crying. As if that wasn't jarring enough in and of itself; he was blubbering, telling me how sorry he was for everything, kept muttering about how badly he needed to "find himself", how he needed to "do better", how I deserved better.
I know he has his reasons and I really understand that everything going on with Yiyoung and Sungho has been hard for him. I mean, he's going through a lot. I just wish he understood that if he asked me I would be willing to move mountains for him. If he asked me, I would drink the sea.
Am I crazy? Probably – but I would, I would do anything he asked me to do. I've never met someone like Hyunjin before. I really don't think anyone else like him exists. He's magnetic and I don't think he even realizes it.
I knew things were going to be different with him leaving for school but I guess I didn't fully realize what that meant. I thought we'd still talk regularly, you know? But when I held him in my arms last night, it was different than when he left initially. His hair smelled like chemicals and lavender. Every time I breathe in it still burns my throat. I kissed him and he tasted like salt and peaches. I wonder if he'll still taste that way months from now. I wonder if the next person he kisses will remember that.
I wonder if I did enough.