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For all his life Benjamin has been acutely aware of how easy he is to fluster.
It’s a secret he keeps close to his chest, despite the fact that it’s not the most interesting secret out there and there are few who would care to learn it at all. It’s not like it’s hard to find out, either; plenty of his friends already have. It really only takes one teasingly flirty comment from anyone at all to send him into a burst of sputters as he tries to explain through his short-circuiting thoughts that he’s been that way his whole life.
The thing is, though, the way his entire mind breaks upon a comment from a friend is nothing compared to the shut-downs he experiences when it’s coming from somebody he’s already thinking of romantically.
But Benjamin doesn’t worry too hard about that. He’s a grounded person; it’s rare that his mind slips into romantics in that way. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s more that he just doesn’t . He can count on his fingers the amount of people he’s found himself developing feelings for, and when he does develop those feelings, he hides his easily flustered attitude from them like it’s the biggest secret in the world. At the end of the day he doesn’t truly care if they find out, but it brings him peace of mind to know that they don’t have that level of playful power over him like they would if they knew.
Benjamin is very aware of himself; he usually knows exactly when his mind starts to drift into daydreams and he’s able to recognise the people he’s daydreaming about , and it definitely helps when they look in his general direction and he feels all his thoughts sputter to a stop. So, in hindsight, he’s not sure why he never noticed the way he’d begin stumbling over his words when this one particular person smiled at him. He’s not sure why he never noticed his face going red when their hand brushed against his own and he wonders why he never thought twice about the daydreams he began to fall into when he was away from them.
Sunlight beams into the kitchen Benjamin currently sits in. He’s sitting on top of a counter and fiddling with the apple in his grasp as he listens to Jasper talk about something . He’s not truly processing what he’s saying, though; his mind is currently replaying the way Quinn had laughed at something Benjamin had said a couple moments ago.
Again, for someone who takes pride in his understanding of himself, Benjamin is honestly quite embarrassed to admit that he’d missed such a crucial detail.
But, at this moment in the kitchen, he hasn’t quite put the puzzle pieces together. So he watches the way Quinn leans against the fridge with his arms crossed and Benjamin remains clueless as to why he feels his heart begin to beat a bit faster.
It’s just the three of them today — Oliver would be here as well but got swept out of town for something Lumbersweats related. They considered inviting the ex-cult but none of them felt particularly up for the havoc that the full group would bring. That’s why it’s only the three of them sitting in Jasper’s kitchen while he bakes something that Benjamin definitely missed the description of. For a moment he thinks he should possibly start paying more attention to what Jasper is doing and saying while he spends time with him, but then Quinn laughs again and Benjamin forgets to tune in to figure out what he was laughing at .
“I don’t know! I need-” Jasper is saying, before he abruptly stops. “Benjamin! What do you think?”
Benjamin blinks himself back to consciousness, panicking a little at his sudden reentrance to this conversation. “Sorry, what do you need? I definitely zoned out somewhere in there.”
“Jasper’s being indecisive again,” Quinn teases — Benjamin ignores the spike of an emotion he can’t quite place when he sees the way Quinn’s eyes narrow and his smile grows as he talks.
“I’m not being… Okay, maybe I’m being indecisive. But if you’d just pick something for me then we’d be able to move on!” Jasper definitely sounds exasperated but he’s smiling in the way that tells everybody that he’s not genuinely upset.
“I already told you, dude: I literally do not care,” Quinn says.
“Is anybody gonna tell me what we’re arguing about here?” Benjamin cuts in before anybody else can speak. Jasper sets two boxes beside him.
“These! Icing! I don’t know which one to do for the cake.”
“You’re making cake?”
“Wow, you really have been zoned out, huh?” Quinn laughs. Benjamin tosses him a look that very clearly tells him to shut up — Quinn raises his hands in surrender and Benjamin has to fight to keep a smile off his face.
“I don’t wanna do anything super elaborate right now,” Jasper continues, completely ignoring their antics, “so I just wanna do one or the other; I have no idea which one to do, though.”
Benjamin examines the boxes quickly. One is vanilla and the other is chocolate — very simple choices, but not necessarily bad ones. While Benjamin finds himself weighing the pros and cons of each one he hears Quinn talk, his voice lined with mischief and faux-innocence.
“And why don’t you want to do anything elaborate? I’m sure Oliver would love something detailed.”
Oliver? When did Oliver become a part of this conversation? How much had Benjamin missed while he was staring blankly at the air?
Jasper doesn’t seem to know the answer to that, either. His face turns bright red and his eyes go wide. “Why do you- why do you think this has to do with Oliver? I’m just making a cake, it has nothing to do with him.”
“Because,” Quinn says carefully, “he’s been gone for two weeks and is coming back tomorrow? And he’s coming over here right when he gets back? There’s nothing wrong with making a cake for your friend to welcome him back, Jasper.”
Jasper is very clearly relieved.
“Now that you mention it, though,” Quinn suddenly continues, “ is there a bigger reason why you wanna make him a cake for tomorrow?”
Jasper is no longer relieved.
Benjamin watches in silence as Quinn chuckles a bit before standing and grabbing one of the boxes. “Jasper, it’s fine. I’m sorry for teasing you; you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” He hands Jasper the box.
“No, I- I do , I think. I just…”
“Not while I’m here?” Benjamin asks.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry-”
“Don’t worry about it, Jasper. Seriously. I promise I get it; it feels weird to talk about someone with their friend sitting right there .” He says it with the friendliest smile he can muster and is relieved when Jasper returns it.
Conversation continues. Benjamin resumes listening to the droning of their voices instead of actually processing their words. He tries to snap himself back to the conversation but loses himself almost immediately again; it’s hard to keep himself present when both of the people in the room with him talk with such an even rhythm and Benjamin’s eyes keep getting drawn to Quinn.
He’s currently standing next to Jasper, helping him with something , but, as always, Benjamin isn’t sure what. There’s an exclamation and laughter and Quinn scrambles away and returns to his spot against the fridge — there’s some kind of powder in his hair now and he’s combing it out with his fingers and he’s smiling in the light of the gradually fading sunlight and Benjamin feels lightheaded.
The next time Benjamin finds himself at all conscious he suddenly startles as Quinn sits next to him on the counter. Quinn laughs and Benjamin sighs, rubbing his eyes, as he notices that Jasper is no longer with them.
“Where’s Jasper?”
“He said there’s something he wants to use for this in the other room or something. I have no idea; I’ve never properly baked in my life.”
Benjamin laughs at that, focusing mostly on how close to him Quinn is sitting. They sit in silence for a few seconds when Quinn speaks up — his voice is as gentle as Benjamin has ever heard it.
“Is something wrong?”
“What?”
“You’ve been really… out of it today. Like, I know you’re always going a little quiet but you’ve been here for two hours and you’ve spent most of it staring at your hands. Are you good?”
Benjamin’s not sure why he’s surprised that Quinn noticed. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. I’m just thinking, I guess.”
“About what?”
Quinn has been looking at him this whole time, and as Benjamin finally turns to do the same, his breath hitches in his throat. His gaze is so soft and full of genuine concern. Through the window Benjamin can see the sun beginning to set and the light still washes over Quinn in a way that frames him perfectly and leaves Benjamin feeling his hand instinctively reach out ever so slightly before he pulls it back to his lap.
About what .
In all honesty, Benjamin isn’t quite sure what he’s spent most of his time here thinking about. He can’t recall the exact topics that crossed his mind in his time listening to the hum of Quinn’s voice.
Quinn .
He was thinking about Quinn.
But why was he thinking about Quinn?
“Benjamin?”
Forcing himself back to the present, Benjamin clears his throat and shrugs, looking back to his lap.
“Nothing in particular, I guess. I don’t really remember.” It’s not completely a lie. “I, uh, have to go right away, by the way.”
“Oh? Where to?”
“I mean, I don’t have to-” He pauses, pursing his lips. “You know that park downtown? The really big wooded one? There’s a spot in there that I like to catch at sundown. It’s really nice, actually — I haven’t been there in a while and figured I’d go tonight.”
Quinn opens his mouth to reply but Benjamin suddenly cuts him off.
“Do you wanna come with?”
He’s not sure why he asked, as he really wasn’t planning on doing it, but he’s happy he did as he watches Quinn burst into a smile and nod in response. Benjamin loves it when Quinn smiles like that.
Jasper returns after a second. Quinn quickly alerts him of the new plan (not asking if he wants to come along, which is a detail that Benjamin notices immediately) and Jasper smiles and quickly says goodbye before getting back to whatever part of the cake-making process he’d stepped away from.
Before long, Quinn’s leaving the kitchen and is calling after Benjamin to follow. Benjamin feels his heart skip a beat but he forces himself to roll his eyes and lazily slide off the counter. Quinn says that he will be the one driving as he doesn’t trust Benjamin at all to not zone out while driving — Benjamin wants to tell him that’s not how it works, that he really only zones out when he’s somewhere where his attention isn’t necessary, but he can’t because Quinn is giving him that smile and Benjamin’s mind has completely blanked.
“I’ve gotta say, though,” Quinn says once they’re in his car, “if you wanna zone out more , I wouldn’t complain. You look quite handsome and mysterious when you’re staring into space like that.”
Benjamin’s thoughts sputter to a stop and that’s when it finally hits him.
He’s really not sure how it took him this long to identify the fluttering in his chest, but that doesn’t matter now — what matters now is that Quinn is smiling as he sings along to the radio and Benjamin can’t quite get himself to look away.
Quinn has always loved Benjamin’s smile.
Even before he found himself tumbling down a hill of butterflies and daydreams he’d always loved Benjamin’s smile. It’s rare and gentle and always feels like you’ve won something — you were funny in just the right way and in return you get to see one of the most beautiful things Quinn has been exposed to in all his memory.
Right now he’s shutting his car door and stretching after a surprisingly short drive to an obscure wooded park that he really hadn’t ever heard of before. He doesn’t doubt that the name had come up in conversation somewhere before, but he doesn’t care at all whether it had or not — Benjamin is stepping away from the car and his eyes are closed as he takes a deep breath and he’s smiling and, even though Quinn has never been absolutely infatuated with nature, he can’t help but smile as well.
“Are you coming?” Benjamin calls back to him. Quinn immediately picks up his pace to follow.
He can tell why Benjamin likes this place at this time. The sun is starting to inch closer to the horizon, casting only slivers of light through the trees, and everything is utterly silent outside of their own footsteps. However, Benjamin is clearly more skilled at traversing a forest floor, and even though they’re on a trail, Quinn finds himself stumbling a few times and grabbing Benjamin’s arm to steady himself. He doesn’t let go for a second too long which is partially purposeful — when he finally removes his hand he glances over at Benjamin and smiles to himself when he sees him trying to subtly hide his blushing face.
Quinn can’t tell if he’s overanalysing this but he so desperately hopes he isn’t.
“I used to come here as a kid,” Benjamin is saying. “It’s nice to just get away from everything, and one time I was here a little too long and found that it’s even nicer when you catch it while the sun sets. It’s not like you’re seeing the sunset, but everything gets quiet and…”
He keeps talking. Quinn listens to every single word of it.
After a couple minutes Quinn begins to hear the faint hum of rushing water. Benjamin does as well and takes a turn off of the beaten path onto a far less obvious trail; he grabs Quinn’s hand to help him step over a fallen tree and Quinn tries to ignore the way his heart rate rises and doesn’t seem to return to normal until they’re standing at the bank of a small creek.
This creek is quiet and gentle and comforting and, as Quinn sits next to Benjamin on the forest floor, he realises that those are the very same traits held by the person who brought him here.
“Do you think I could climb one of these trees?” Quinn suddenly asks, breaking the comfortable silence that had been hovering over them. Benjamin, who until now was sitting with his eyes closed, opens only one to peek at Quinn and poorly hide a smile.
“That’s such a bad idea.”
“You don’t know that.”
Quinn sits with his legs outstretched and arms propping him up from behind his back, while Benjamin sits with one leg out and the other pulled up to his chest. His head is turned to look at Quinn and he scoffs. “I do, though. I fell out of one a few years ago.”
“ Oh ,” Quinn laughs. “There’s a story behind that one.”
Still giving Quinn that sideways glance, Benjamin sighs. “I was a teenager doing teenager things-”
“How specific.”
“-and thought it would be a good idea to climb a tree. It wasn’t. One bad branch and I fell; I wasn’t high enough for any actual injuries, but still. Climbing these is an awful idea.”
Quinn laughs. “Oh, that’s so good, dude.”
“Shut up,” Benjamin says through a smile.
“I don’t know how to explain this but you would be the type to fall out of a tree.”
“What does that even mean ?”
Quinn shrugs and Benjamin laughs; this moment feels perfect and Quinn doesn’t ever want to let it go.
Eventually, Benjamin keeps talking. It starts with stories about things he would do at this park and slowly turns into obscure stories that Quinn can’t even grasp the relevance of, but he listens nonetheless — there’s something so incredibly nice about the sound of Benjamin’s voice paired with the murmuring of the water ahead of them.
He’s not that physically expressive when he speaks — all of Benjamin’s expression is found in his face, where his eyebrows furrow and his mouth twists into a frown or a smile depending on what he’s saying. Sometimes he starts to speak with his hands a bit but for the most part they stay propped up on his one raised knee. Something about the way his emotions can always be read simply in his expression fills Quinn with a soft adoration and fondness.
Quinn moves so he now sits right next to Benjamin, and he watches him closely as he rambles about anything and everything, trying hard to keep up with what’s being said.
There’s suddenly silence.
Benjamin has suddenly stopped talking and he lets out an embarrassed, breathy laugh. His face is turning red and Quinn finds himself suppressing the urge to reach out and touch him.
“Sorry,” Benjamin says. He’s smiling in that shy, soft way that only Benjamin can. “I don’t shut up, huh?”
He stops suppressing the urge.
In the fading light of this forest, under the watch of the gentle creek, Quinn kisses Benjamin.
For a moment he worries. He remembers a little too late that you’re really not supposed to just suddenly kiss people in the middle of conversations, but when he feels Benjamin kiss him back all of that worry melts away into the purest possible form of joy and relief.
This moment is perfect. This moment is so utterly perfect .
But Quinn is forced to break it as he pulls away. He’s about to say something, anything , but then Benjamin is putting extra distance between them and is rubbing his eyes. No noises come from him; he just rubs his eyes obsessively for far too many seconds and starts to hide his face against his legs that have once again been propped up to his chest.
The worry returns. “Benjamin?”
He still says nothing.
The worry turns to mild panic, and while Quinn has never been one to overthink, he’s starting to lose himself into thoughts of the worst possible scenario.
“Look, I’m- I’m sorry.” He begins to stand up. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I’ll go and we can pretend this never happened if you want-”
Benjamin suddenly grabs his arm; he’s still hiding his face but he peeks up through his hair as he gently grips Quinn’s wrist.
He’s quiet for a second but Quinn can hear the smile in his voice when he shakes his head and says, “Stay.”
So Quinn stays.
In the increasingly dark forest Quinn sits back down. Benjamin had turned his body towards Quinn and never turned to face the creek again so Quinn sits across from him, finding it surprisingly difficult to keep himself from freaking out.
“Benjamin?” he asks after about a minute of more silence. “Are you okay? Seriously, if you didn’t want me to do that you can tell me and-”
“I’m great,” he suddenly whispers, his smile still audible in his voice and his eyes once again peeking over his knees that he’s hugging so tightly. “I’m so good.”
Quinn is confused for a moment, trying to figure out why Benjamin is reacting like this if that was really what he wanted, and so he hesitantly reaches out and takes Benjamin’s hand in his. Not even a second passes before Benjamin intertwines their fingers and squeezes.
Then the puzzle pieces start to click into place. Quinn’s found himself in a state similar to this before — although not nearly to this extent. The smile and the red face and the broken thoughts bordering on incoherent…
“Benjamin,” Quinn quietly says, leaning forward. “Are you flustered ?”
A head shake in response.
“Don’t lie; you’re flustered! I kissed you and your brain broke .”
“I’m not- I didn’t- my- I’m-” Benjamin takes a deep breath, face once again hidden. “My brain didn’t break .”
Quinn smiles, frees his hand from Benjamin’s grasp, and moves himself so he now sits next to him with their shoulders pressed together. “It sure looks like your brain’s broken.”
Narrowing his eyes that are now peeking over his knees, Benjamin lets out a quiet exhale. “This has been happening forever , it’s not just you. Don’t let it go to your ego.” His tone is fond and the sound of it causes Quinn’s smile to soften. “Somebody does or says something and I just completely shut down. It’s even worse when it’s someone who I…” He doesn’t finish the sentence, and he doesn’t need to — Quinn can fill in the blanks.
“That’s adorable,” Quinn says, watching Benjamin’s expression carefully. “You’re adorable.”
Sure enough, Benjamin pulls his legs even tighter to his chest and pushes his face even harder into his legs. Quinn laughs; this now feels validating rather than confusing.
“ Don’t say that ,” Benjamin manages to mutter through incomprehensible stutters. He’s still grinning; Quinn wishes he would look at him so he could see.
“It’s true, though,” he whispers as he sets his chin on Benjamin’s shoulder, smiling into his neck.
“Qu- Quinn ! Quinn, I- You-”
“Hm?”
“I can’t stand you.”
“I kissed you and you stopped being able to talk, I’m pretty sure that says otherwise, Ben.”
They sit like that for a while. Benjamin is still rendered speechless and only manages to speak through stutters, and Quinn’s face begins to hurt from grinning so much. This is decidedly not how Quinn expected this encounter to go but he wouldn’t have it any other way; not when Benjamin’s finally revealed his face again and is resting his chin on his knees with closed eyes and a content smile. Quinn finds himself once again suppressing the urge to reach out to him, although he’s unsure as to why he’s stopping himself.
“Benjamin?”
His eyes open just slightly to be able to peer at Quinn. There’s a fondness in his expression that Quinn doesn’t think he’s ever seen him with. “Yeah?”
Quinn’s grin turns mischievous. “Are you gonna do that every time I kiss you?”
Something about Benjamin’s reactions to Quinn’s comments have started to grow familiar in a way that Quinn finds comforting. Although they’ve only been at this park for a little over an hour or so he can already predict Benjamin’s expression in real time: the wide eyes, followed by the red face, and then the smile that appears just before he rushes to hide himself again. It’s repetitive, yes, but Quinn never smiles any less in reaction.
“It’s usually not this bad,” Benjamin manages to grumble with his voice muffled.
“Not this bad? You must really like me , huh?” Quinn laughs, watching Benjamin tense up and tuck his face away more and more with every word. “Not that you getting like this is a bad thing, or anything; it really is quite cute. Have I ever told you how much I love your smile? Your laugh, too-”
“You’re so cruel ,” Benjamin suddenly interrupts.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Benjamin peeks over his arms again and narrows his eyes at Quinn, although still not truly annoyed. “I can’t believe you’re finding this much joy in my suffering.”
Letting out a quick laugh in response, Quinn’s about to reply with actual words when he keeps talking.
“You’re so cruel. You’re evil,” he’s saying, finally letting go of his legs and sitting back for the first time in a while . His unusually wide smile makes Quinn’s stomach do backflips. “I don’t even know why I tolerate you at all. You’re just- just sitting here ! Purposefully shutting me down for your own benefit and satisfaction! And when I’m actually able to think again you just do it all over again! Me getting like that is not a joke , Quinn Hills, it’s a serious disadvantage and-”
“You’re adorable,” Quinn whispers, watching the blood rush back to Benjamin’s face in the low light.
“What did I just say?”
The trees are growing darker by the minute and normally Quinn would find himself unnerved by the shadows surrounding him everywhere he looks, but he barely notices. He barely notices because Benjamin is smiling and laughing next to him and Quinn’s holding his hand in the darkness and everything about this is still so perfect.
He wants to see that increasingly-familiar stammering version of Benjamin one last time before they leave for the night, though, so once there’s a lull in the conversation Quinn finds himself leaning forward ever-so-slightly.
“Can I kiss you again?” he whispers.
Benjamin’s wide eyes and frantic nodding and swiftly hidden, reddening face gives Quinn as much of an answer as he needs.
And he does.
And Quinn can’t recall a single moment where he’s ever been happier.