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«Where is Hange?»
Blank faces, everyone is looking away. Where are they? The person who lives rent free in my heart. No more hope is they aren’t around. Why is everyone looking away? Why are they eyes running away from mine. My heart beat so fast it may explode in a minute.
«They named Armin major of the scouts.»
Jean’s voice isn’t louder than a murmur, like a secret he doesn’t want to share. He know what he is saying, he saw it. He knows Hange is going to jump front in an army of titans and he also know I don’t deserve them not telling me goodbye. Oh they know I would have never let them go by themselves. All the blood leaves my face while I try pushing the two men in front of me. Connie has the decency to move behind while Jean doesn’t move a bit. He doesn’t want to go go, it would be suicide, they need me, they need me in the front.
No. No. I won’t get on that fucking flying object without the person that I love. With an angry scream I punch Jean in the face. He looks stunned for a minute and I use this time to run outside the hangar. Levi and them are only a few feet away. The face of the little man is like turned off, cold and closed, he knows already that he won’t be able to change their mind. Somehow I know it as well but I’m going to try no matter what.
«HANGE!»
I see how their shoulders get tense but they don’t turn back. Fine. I’ll get to them then. I start running again, hearing the people behind me screaming my name. They are wearing this stupid cloth again, like it was going to save their live. Cloth that is the reason why they are going straight to death. We can only hear the ugly sound of the fucking titans while I run to them. Levi got the decency to take few step back, giving us some privacy while I reach for their hand, looking deep into their eye. They are trembling.
«Hey.»
Their look is heavy but straight at the same time? Oh no I won’t be able to change their mind. I’ll have to go with them then, I’ll go to war for them. They try smiling softly but it is easy to read death in their only eye. My hand go to land on their cheek and for what I know it’s going to be a short time, they put the spears on the ground. They know. They know they won’t be able to make it back, they will die like they lived, by loving titans. They are beautiful, really wonderful, inside and out and I can sense all the pride in their actions. Hange was able to lead the scout after the death of Erwin, they gave everything for it, losing their smile along the way. Their hug is almost hurtful, knowing it will be the last one they’ll have from me, before going to join the others majors.
«Hey, don’t cry, you are stronger than that. It’s time for me to take my responsibilities.»
Fucking responsibilities, they were always capable to pull them before. My fingers tighten hurtfully around the cloth and I want to tear it down, to make them stay. But they push me away gently, our faces only centimeters away. They stick their forehead to mine , they aren’t crying, not like me. I can sense the freaking tears running down my face.
«Come on now sunshine, hey, it’s okay. We always knew how it was gonna end up. Since the start. We were ready to die for it.»
«But we were so close- so close of having a beautiful life you and I. I-I-I picked a ring for you.» My voice breaks while a violent sob escape myself.
«Really? Levi got mine, I wanted to fall on my knees as soon at that would be over. Wait let me-» They turn themselves, looking at the other man but he already had the ring prepared and gift it to Hange. They fall on their knees in front of me. «Hey sunshine, would you agree to be my partner until death do us part? Yeah because you deserve happiness and death will part us soon-»
My sobs are making much more noise than the titans and I nod vigorously, turning my head to look at Jean, he’s the one who have my ring, my wing-man- but Hange stops me, taking my hand and turning my head so I look at them again. My eyes fall back on their face. Their smile is the most beautiful and the sadder than I ever saw in my all life.
«Nah, keep it, keep the ring, let it live with you. I’ll die knowing how much you love me and that’s what matters.»
«Oh no, I’m not letting you go there by yourself.»
They put the ring on my finger, eye lingering there for a while while I can’t tear my eyes from their face. They laugh sadly, shaking their head.
«We only need one person there, we need you to take care of Eren, you know it sunshine.»
«Fuck no, that won’t do!» I take their cloth, pulling them up and our looks confront themselves with fierce. Well, mine is. Them is just sadness. Their hand goes around my hair for a minute before landing on my cheek.
«That’s not a demand, that’s an order from your major.»
I choke on a sob, shaking my head and I already know our time is over where their look leave mine, looking behind me, Levi still being there. They land a last kiss on my forehead, one on my lips, sharing the tears that are still running down my face in our last hug.
«It’s time to move guys!»
They take a step back, maybe trying not to overwhelmed me, maybe to late for that. They pick the spears on the ground
«That’s my queue dear.»
«No, no, no, no, I’m coming with you.»
A hand circles my wrist, I look back, seeing the corporal looking at the ground. Oh he knows I don’t want to let go. He knows what he needs to do. Give up your dream and die. That’s all Hange needed. I only hear it, hear them and feel the wind while they take off to a certain death.
«I love you!»
I’m going to fall. I’m going to give up, going to die in a matter of seconds? I try pushing him back with a hateful scream but I can only watch them flying away unknowing really the last moment I saw them. They are only a little dot up there where I can see a titan falling down. They got one.
«THEY GOT ONE! WE CAN STILL HELP THEM!»
But nobody answers me. I need a minute to realize Reiner throw me on their shoulder knowing I wouldn’t start running to the freaking plane. Oh no, we are running toward this hydroplane, the others, me, our eyes lost on the closing door. I can’t see them anymore. It’s too late. I can’t see them and I won’t ever bee able to see them anymore. I don’t know if someone throw me on the ground or lay me there, I put my forehead on the porthole, unable to say anything to anyone, only able to see the one I love dying over there. Did they get the ending they deserved?
My breathing cut deep into my troath while I only see the titans outside and I let myself slide. It’s too much.
«Sayonara Hansi, keep an eye on us.»
Armin is screaming next to me, the new scoot major. Lucky him. My eyes are glassy, the blood pump into my ears. The pain is so extreme while been enough. I’m still alive and they are not. It’s a matter of seconds before I run to Levi, fucker sitting there like nothing gets to him, asking the one I loved to keep an eye on us in another life.
«I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH HER! WHY DID YOU-»
He takes it, takes the punch like he deserved it. He takes the next one and the next, and the next until someone reach for me. Someone is screaming my name but I don’t fucking care. I only want to be with them, outside. I fight back, not knowing how long, the rage is strong in me, burning deep inside my chest. Burning everything else until the only thing I have left is this rage.
«They are with the other majors now.»
«That doesn’t make things any better.»
«I know. I know.»
«Like hell you do-»
«Oh but I know.»
I look back at him. Of course he knows. I close my eyes, hoping really hard that I will be able to get rid of the tears that just don’t want to stop.
«Erwin will take good care of them.»
«Until we get back to them.» His voice can’t be higher than a murmur.
«Until we get back to them.»
The fight to fight just runs out of the window. Time isn’t time for sadness right? War is the only thing we need right now and if I want to cry I need to use it to avenge my dead lover. They are somewhere right. Waiting for me to get back to them.
***
Their smile is really an happy one even if it is filled with sadness. They are all here right, all of the ones they loved and lost. In a surge of affection they run to take Erwin in their hard, hiding their face in the crop of their neck. God, they missed him so bad. They need comfort so bad right now. He puts an arm around them, pulling them stronger into their chest.
«Levi will take good care of them»
«Until they get back to us.»
«Until they get back to us.»