Work Text:
“Do you have more fun without me?”
Hoseok looks up from the kitchen counter where he’s carefully slicing an apple with a paring knife because even though there is a pandemic, they have new music, which means comeback season, which means diet time.
“What was that, hyung?” Hoseok asks.
“Let me help you with that.” Yoongi goes round the counter to slice another apple. It had been difficult to even get the words out the first time. There’s no way he’s repeating himself. Instead, he says, “I saw the latest Run episode. The one where you and Jin-hyung won the Hanwoo beef set.”
“Oh yeah. Dinner that night was delicious, wasn’t it?”
It’s been ages since any one of them had won food and not shared it so it had been especially funny watching them go so hard on the quiz games, going as far as to phone their parents for answers.
Jimin still brags about how Jungkook’s mother had told him she loves him, unprompted.
“The production crew was so funny. They bought the jumbo ramyeon pack because they knew we’d have to go on a diet soon,” says Hoseok.
Yoongi nods, taking care to slice the apple evenly. “You guys look like you were having a lot of fun. You laughed a lot.”
Hoseok pauses. “Hyung?”
“It’s nice to see you all laughing like that,” Yoongi clarifies.
At the time, their Grammy nomination had just been announced. They all had been antsy. It’d been good to go play nonsense games and not think about the way they might or might not be making history.
“Namjoon really got into it. Even Taehyungie was more off the rails than usual. I was surprised how chaotic they were,” Hoseok says.
“They’re both usually so tired when we film Run.”
“It would have been better if you were there.”
Yoongi slides the apple slices onto a plate and brings it out to the TV area where everyone is watching Taehyung and Jungkook battle it out on Seokjin’s Xbox. Taehyung shifts over on the floor so he’d have room to sit. He shifts over so much he’s practically arm-to-arm with Seokjin who simply continues screaming at Taehyung’s onscreen character. Yoongi leans back against the foot of the sofa, his right shoulder brushing against Jungkook’s knee. Jungkook’s knee twitches and then calms.
Yoongi munches on an apple slice, watches Taehyung’s game character lose its last bit of HP.
Because he’s been busy with post-surgery rehab, he hasn’t been able to join the guys for any of the jobs that had been scheduled late last year. Instead, he watches them religiously as they air. With Run BTS, however, he knows the producers aren’t releasing the episodes in the order they’d been filmed. One week, he’d be there learning tennis with everyone. The next, he’s missing while everyone wins knives from Chef Baek Jong Won. Then, next week, he’s back, acting as umpire for their tennis matches. And the next week, he’s gone again.
It’s this intercut, this out-of-order-ness that makes it plain to see: the guys have much more fun when he’s not around.
The plate is cleared and Jungkook asks if they can have more. Hoseok goes back into the kitchen.
Yoongi has watched those Run episodes a couple of times. It’s not that the guys act differently. More like, they’ve given themselves permission to be sillier. The way they charm Chef Baek with schoolchildren-like behaviour. How they rock out unabashedly to nursery rhymes like they’re the latest hit songs. The mad giggles while they attempt their singles on the harmonica, Jimin and Hoseok slapping the floor in tears.
Maybe they restrain themselves in front of Yoongi because think he finds that level of silliness off-putting. Maybe it’s because they know too well how sharp the cutting edge of his sarcasm can be. Or maybe it’s out of respect that they do this; they don’t want to make him uncomfortable.
Regardless, it doesn’t change the fact they laugh more easily when he isn’t around.
Hoseok places the paring knife above a new apple and brings it down firmly, slicing the apple mercilessly in half with a crisp shwack.
Yeah, Yoongi thinks. It feels just like that.
*
It’s not just anyone. It’s Taehyung.
Against better judgment, Yoongi rewatches those Run BTS episodes. Taehyung is so cheerful in them. He loses his temper cutely when Hoseok steals his answer for the harmonica game. He dances unprompted, puzzling everyone, even the editors who can only annotate his actions with a ‘???’. It’s such a marked difference from the Reverse Avatar episode, in which Taehyung barely speaks and even then, only at Hoseok’s prompting. At first, Yoongi had put it down to Taehyung being tired. But then, Taehyung had clammed up during the Producer episode too.
It’s like barbed wire. Yoongi likes seeing Taehyung cheerful.
“I remember that one,” chortles Namjoon from over Yoongi’s shoulder. On the tablet screen, for no reason at all, Taehyung kisses Seokjin on the cheek in the middle of the traffic light game. “Jin-hyung chased Taehyung around the set to get revenge for his cheek so Taehyung kissed everyone on the cheek. Jimin and Jungkookie had to restrain Hobi just so Taehyung could get at him.”
“That sounds like assault.”
Namjoon chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. “Guess it’s not your kind of thing.”
Namjoon knows he’d been joking. Right? “I’m sure I would have found it funny if I was there.”
“Your rehab takes priority. How is your shoulder today?”
“Good. I’m resting it as much as I’m supposed to. Doing all the exercises.”
Namjoon nods approvingly and leaves for his room.
Yoongi cannot help but dwell on the things Namjoon has left unsaid.
Namjoon rarely lies. He doesn’t like it. So he doesn’t give voice to that which he doesn’t believe. Namjoon hadn’t said that he’d wanted Yoongi there.
Even serious, overthinking Namjoon had looked more light-hearted in these episodes. Throwing his all in the ‘guess the dance’ games. Delivering puns that made Jimin collapse over the table. Even Taehyung…
Yoongi swallows. That’s the catch, isn’t it?
Amongst them, Jimin is the best at hiding how he’s feeling. Even if he’s dog-tired, he will smile and sparkle for the Run cameras. Taehyung has no such defense. What you see is really what you get.
That’s why he’s stuck on Taehyung. Taehyung is the barometer.
Even though Taehyung loses badly in the choreo game, he’s still giggling. Taehyung cracks joke after joke Chef Baek and energetically performs aegyo to earn snacks from Jimin and Jungkook.
Taehyung is happier Yoongi isn’t there.
The evidence is clear from the first watch. Yoongi’s only rewatching because he’s desperate to find signs that prove otherwise. Swallowing, Yoongi locks his tablet and sets it aside.
*
After they finish shooting the MV for Film Out - (“It really is an amazing song, Jungkookie. Hyung cannot wait to see what’s in store for us with your mixtape.”) - Yoongi retreats into his studio and stays there.
This behaviour doesn’t raise any red flags. They are all working on new music for their next EP so everyone is sequestered in their own hidey holes. The only difference being that the other members often visit each other to hang out, banter, give feedback, relax.
Yoongi’s changed the passcode to his studio. When the maknae line knocks on the frosted glass, asking him to meet them at Namjoon’s in ten minutes because they’ve ordered chicken, Yoongi says, “I need to iron out this track. You guys go ahead.”
The third time this happens, Jimin asks quietly, “Is everything okay?”
Trust Jimin to be this perceptive. He’s the one who takes all of Yoongi’s ribbing after all. He has the most experience with Yoongi’s inflections. He’s also Park Jimin. Kind and empathetic to a fault.
“I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast, Jimin-ah. It’s just this song. I won’t be able to focus on anything else until I get it right,” Yoongi replies.
“We’re all here if you need a second ear, okay? Taehyungie’s instincts have gotten really good. I’ll let him know in advance you might come to him.”
Yoongi sinks lower in his chair. Because they love him, they won’t want to exclude him. Because he loves them, he wants them to be free to be silly and happy when they’re together.
The best he can do is stay out of their way and work hard on music that will satisfy both them and ARMY.
Still, it hurts when he hears the raucous laughter from Namjoon’s studio on his way out.
“If Yoongi were here, he would totally scold you for that!” That’s Seokjin’s voice.
Yoongi walks a little quicker out into the flurry of early spring rain.
*
It’s not like he avoids them completely. The nature of their job calls them to be together. It’s alright when they have to shoot promotional material for their sponsors, their music, their etc. etc. Everyone has their game faces on; straddling the line between professionalism and personableness easily as veteran idols.
It’s Run BTS that’s the problem.
They’ve finished shooting episodes for the season ages ago. Long before Yoongi had his epiphany. But because their schedule is relatively free, because they’re not hopping country to country, stadium to stadium, with endless choreo practice and vocal training, the production team decides that they should shoot more episodes in advance.
“ARMY is really engaging with the new Run content,” one producer tells them. “I think it’s because everyone is isolated by the pandemic and watching the seven of you have fun together comforts them.”
“You know me. If it cheers ARMY up, I’m up for it,” says Jungkook.
“Same here,” Hoseok says, even though Yoongi knows Hoseok isn’t the biggest fan the long shoots. The high-concept episodes usually take up a whole day and Hoseok is the quickest to lose patience at the nonsense games because he’s just so bad at them.
Seokjin shrugs. “I’m always happy to win more prizes.”
Namjoon and Jimin makes agreeable noises. Perched on the other end of the sofa, Taehyung’s smile is unenthusiastic.
“Taehyungie?” says Jimin.
Yoongi stands up from the sofa, groaning like the old man they always joke he is. “Actually, my shoulder has been acting up again so I was going to see about a more regular appointment with the physical therapist.”
The producer frowns. “We can work around it.”
“You have to start planning it now, right? I have to consider the PT’s schedule as well. This isn’t ideal but you may have to write those episodes with the possibility that I won’t be in them. Just to be safe.”
“Hyung?” says Jungkook.
Taehyung’s gaze flickers towards Yoongi, the line of his shoulders loosening.
“What are you talking about, Yoongi-ah? The show is Run BTS. It’s not BTS if you’re not in it,” complains Seokjin.
“You can do what you did the last time. Add a stand of me or edit me in as a graphic in post-prod. I’m not saying I’m not going to be in this at all, it’s just…” Yoongi pats his shoulder. “I really need to take care of this from now on. I don’t want to go for another surgery ever again. You get it, right?”
“Yeah,” Jimin says hesitantly.
“You know your body best. We can trust you, right?” Namjoon says.
It’s a win-win. Yoongi is not disappearing completely but this gives the others room to breathe without him. It’s his gift to them. This is what he tells himself.
Even though a part of him wants Hoseok to say, “Come on, guys. Without Yoongi-hyung, it’s no fun.”
For Jungkook to insist that he doesn’t want to do another episode without him. For Jimin to joke about how they need their grandpa. Anything. Anything.
Taehyung is smiling properly now. Maybe it’s because Jungkook had whispered a joke to him. Or something.
*
All of them have been said to be the mood-maker of their group at various points of their career. Without a doubt, Yoongi can now say their mood-maker is Taehyung. He had started off cute, if a little strange. A bouncing ball of energy who hadn’t cared if no one else had been on his wavelength. As he’s grown, however, as his artistic sensibilities matured, shoulders broadening out, that stage charisma sharpening into such a weapon that a wink had sent global Twitter into a tizzy, it’d become clear just how alluring Taehyung’s wavelength is.
So Yoongi isn’t surprised when the photographers nudges Taehyung ever so slightly closer to the center of the group, and if Yoongi - Yoongi who by the other members’ admission had not really changed, at least not visually, since their ‘No More Dream’ days - if Yoongi could just scoot a little off to the side, that’d be perfect, thank you.
The photos turn out very well.
*
As Yoongi works on the hook of song #83, he wonders where it’d gone wrong. Or has this simply been the case all along and he’d simply never noticed because it’d always been the seven of them together.
He could’ve sworn there was a time Taehyung grinned freely and did silly things around him. It hasn’t been that long ago that Taehyung was carrying Yoongi piggyback into award shows and carrying Yoongi upside-down for the limbo challenge and carrying Yoongi…
Yoongi pauses the music. Why the hell have there been so many times Taehyung had carried him?
No, wait. It isn’t that strange. Taehyung carries Jimin a lot too. It must be his way of bragging about his height.
Song #83 is a ballad. It’d be great for Taehyung who could inject so much feeling in one syllable, it had once given PDogg goosebumps.
It makes sense for Taehyung to have a voice like that. His face cannot hide anything. It follows that his voice cannot either. Yoongi remembers the first time he’d heard Taehyung’s demo for Blue and Grey. He’d immediately sent Jimin to Taehyung’s room with a bag of snacks from the convenience shop.
Jimin had protested, “He’s fine. He was in a sad place when he wrote it but he’s alright now. Don’t you think I’ve checked myself?”
“Check for me then. But don’t tell him it’s me,” Yoongi had said and Jimin had acquiesced, if a bit huffily.
For such a happy person, Taehyung certainly has written many sad songs. Since he is normally so cheerful, sadness echoes loud and powerfully within him, enough that it hurts like heartbreak in his songs, in his voice as he sings them. Wistful, yearning, hopeful. Achingly beautiful.
Yoongi stares down at the words he’s written, wondering if he emails them over, would Namjoon be able to tell who he’s talking about.
“Wow, hyung, I think this is the most personal you’ve gotten for a love song,” says Jungkook, putting the track on repeat and glancing through the lyrics. He’s munching on carrot sticks and rears back a little. “Are you in love?”
“In this economy?” Yoongi deadpans.
Jungkook chuckles. He’s guileless. That’s why he gets to hear the song. “Is this the song you promised Jin-hyung?”
“I thought maybe Taehyungie…”
“I think this song too depressing for him, I know he’s into indie songs with rain vibes these days but this one ends so sadly.” Jungkook shakes the tablet, a lightbulb moment. “It’s like one of those dramas with an ending that makes you cry because the couple should have been together but they can’t.”
“...are you thinking about Titanic again?”
Jungkook hands back the device, crumples the empty plastic that had held carrot sticks. “You should hear Taehyungie-hyung’s cover of My Heart Will Go On. It’s so good. But even that one is kind of - I don’t know - optimistic? Your song is confident the other person is better off without them. That’s way sadder than ‘Jack, come back!’”
It’s the diet, Yoongi decides. Comeback diets always make Jungkook a little crazy.
“Jungkookie says you have a new song,” Namjoon says almost conversationally the next morning. Yoongi is trapped because he’d just poured the milk on his cereal. He can’t just not eat it. “I was surprised. I thought you were still working on that dance track.”
He means song #65.
“I was getting nowhere on that so I’m fiddling around with some other stuff to get unstuck.”
“It doesn’t sound like you were just fiddling around,” says Namjoon.
Yoongi can’t believe Jungkook had snitched on him. To Namjoon.
What happened to guilelessness?
“Our maknae is reading too much into it. I was writing stream-of-consciousness,” says Yoongi.
“You remember our policy, right? No matter what the issue, we need to communicate it to each other openly.”
Yoongi doesn’t like where this is going. “Joon-ah, what is it?”
Namjoon stays silent. He usually does when he’s not sure of an answer, or uncertain of what to say to get it. It’s a good way to get the other party to let something slip. But Yoongi hasn’t known Namjoon ten years for nothing.
“The cereal is soggy enough now. I’m going to eat,” Yoongi says.
*
Seokjin makes kimchi-pizza-tangsuyuk for dinner.
They’re having more cheat days than they normally would on comeback season. Less time on the road means more time in the studio and there’s something about spending the whole day struggling creatively that makes them crave cheese and carbs so Seokjin makes that kim-pi-tang dish they’d learned from the Reverse Avatar episode, while Taehyung orders double portions of jjajangmyeon with egg.
It’s all his favourite dishes tonight so Taehyung has on his megawatt grin as he demarcates on the plate how much of the kim-pi-tang is his.
Hoseok scoops a bowl of noodles for Yoongi. “I heard you’ve submitted five tracks already this week. That’s amazing! I’m still working on the same one from last week. How did you finish five so quickly?”
“Rehab is boring and painful,” Yoongi answers. “I work on the songs in my head to get through them.”
“So you get more brain space to work on your music while we spend all our energy filming Run? Not fair!” Jungkook flings a string of egg garnish at Yoongi.
“Why are you complaining? You enjoy filming those,” says Jimin.
“Because Yoongi-hyung is going to end up with the most credits in our next album again. I want to get better at this too!”
“I’d argue anyway that it’s Taehyungie having the most fun. He’s on the floor more often than me these days,” says Hoseok. “Remember when that water spilled from the tank and -“
“That was your fault!” Taehyung says. “If you hadn’t ‘merry-go-round’ so much, we wouldn’t have gotten the penalty!”
Jimin doubles over, giggling. “Hobi-hyung looked so funny. We should put you in that suit again.”
Yoongi has no idea what they’re talking about but inserting himself to ask about it feels...intrusive.
Thankfully, Namjoon starts a new conversation with him. “So you finished the dance track, huh? How did you end up transitioning from the bridge?”
“I sampled your rap from Jump actually,” Yoongi says. “The only way I could keep the tension was to increase the beat so I took your rap and double-timed it. If it gets chosen, I figure it’d be a good place for Hobi to freestyle.”
Namjoon bounces his head to the imagined beat. “Let me have a listen tomorrow?”
“Hyung, what about that ballad?” Jungkook asks with his mouth full of rice.
Seokjin perks up. “You wrote a ballad? It’s mine, right?”
“It’s so sad, hyung. You would cry singing it,” Jungkook tells Seokjin.
“What is it about? Why is it sad?” asks Hoseok.
“Something about wanting to move further away to preserve the love but - ack! Hyung, what was that for?” Jungkook rubs his neck where Yoongi has karate-chopped him.
“Who told you you can share my unfinished stuff, huh!” Yoongi says.
The rest laugh at Jungkook and Yoongi sighs in relief.
This can work. This can totally work.
*
The cracks are obvious to Yoongi. They have insides jokes he doesn’t understand. They make plans without overtures to include him. Namjoon and Hoseok go thrift-store-hopping. Seokjin, Jungkook and Jimin head out to Bukhansan at dawn for a hike. Taehyung joins them for dinner.
Yoongi returns to an empty dorm and grills some chicken.
This is what happens when you bow out of a group. Even if the group doesn’t know it’s happening, they slowly let you go.
Yoongi rewatches the old KBS clip in which they tell them they love him. It’s not unprompted. They do it because Jimin thinks Yoongi would like to hear it from them. Yoongi does. It doesn’t mean they mean it.
*
Sometimes, he cries in the studio. But that’s because he’s not reacting well to the new antidepressants.
“You should ask for a different prescription then,” says Seokjin. Behind him lounging on the sofa and scrolling through his social media feed, Jungkook nods.
“These things take a while to work. I need to stay on them for a bit longer to be sure,” Yoongi replies.
“Well how much more crying music are you composing while you’re at it?”
“Yah, did you come here just to critique my music?”
“He wants to see why your ballad is too sad for him,” Jungkook provides.
Yoongi crooks his brow. “So it’s a point of professional pride?”
Seokjin shoves Yoongi lightly. “You know how I need to work on injecting more emotion when I sing. Maybe a super sad song if what I need to get there!”
“Jungkook-ah, I’m never sharing a piece of new music with you again. You gossip about it to everyone.”
Jungkook straightens, his phone down. “But hyung it’s so good! It really hits you…” Jungkook cups his hands over his stomach.
“It makes you hungry?” Seokjin quips and laughs at his joke.
“Yes, you’re perfect for my apparently super sad ballad,” Yoongi says drily.
“I’ll be good, Yoongi-ah! Let me listen to it.” Seokjin puts on the headphones Yoongi hands him with mock solemnity.
“So how’s the latest filming for Run?” Yoongi asks.
Jungkook’s nose crinkles when he giggles. “It was essentially playing tag in a three-tiered ball pit. Namjoon-hyung pretended to be a crab in the ball ocean while Hobi-hyung was the shrimp.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“You had to be there. When are your PT sessions wrapping up? It feels like we only see you for dinner or here in your studio these days.”
If Yoongi had been there, they wouldn’t have had the chance to play in the ball pit. The producers wouldn’t have included it out of consideration for his shoulder.
“I saw that vlive you did with Hobi-hyung,” Jungkook adds. “You can move your arm freely now, right?”
What he doesn’t say is that Taehyung had been in the vlive as well and he’d looked bored bordering on indifferent. It’s definitely not Hoseok making him feel that way because he’d been perfectly cheerful announcing BangBangCon with Hoseok in the short video later on.
Yoongi still spends time with Hoseok. With Seokjin and Namjoon as well. Because like him, those guys need room to be moody. They don’t mind his sarcasm, his low energy when it’s one-on-one.
It’s the maknae line who’s always huddling together in bundles of volatile energy. As a band, the maknae line makes them exciting. As a group, they bring cheer. As friends, they make Yoongi feel old and irrelevant and in the way. And that is the only way he knows how to relate to them.
He ribs Jimin because he doesn’t know how to take Jimin’s earnestness seriously. He spoils Jungkook like a grandfather because Jungkook’s youth and potential makes him feel protective. He lets Taehyung do whatever he wants because Taehyung will do it regardless.
In return, he’s sure that to them, he’s just the hyung who produces their music.
Fuck. Do they even like him?
Seokjin places the headphones carefully on the table. “It’s near done, isn’t it?”
“Really? Last time I checked it was just a handful of lyrics and snippets. Can I have a listen?” Jungkook asks.
“It is too sad for me,” Seokjin confirms. “But I think it’s too sad for a solo, period.”
“A duet?” Yoongi says. “Taehyungie and Jiminie’s harmony is sounding really good lately.” Namjoon and Jungkook’s as well.
“I’ve never had a sad solo,” Jungkook points out.
“Neither has Hoseok,” Seokjin says.
“If you give Hobi-hyung a sad solo, ARMY will cry,” Jungkook says in all seriousness.
*
Yoongi remembers a time when it feels like Taehyung couldn’t get enough of him, on camera and off. He’d follow Yoongi like a rapping duckling until Yoongi had given his nod of approval. He’d find any excuse to touch him. He’d touch Yoongi’s elbow to get his attention, drape himself over Yoongi’s back when he’s tired, use Yoongi’s lap as a pillow as they wait their turn for the hairstylist.
Yoongi loves it because no matter how close they all are, everyone else is so tentative about touching him.
Jungkook touches him the way a kid brother would; playful slaps, manhandling him in a show of strength.
Jimin always reads his moods before initiating any physical affection because he’s considerate like that but when Yoongi’s moods are bad, Jimin’s hug is exactly the thing he wants and he doesn’t know how to ask for one.
Hoseok and Seokjin prefer what Yoongi calls no-homo touches. Shoulder shoves that denote their platonic bond. Whereas Namjoon is still working on the whole touching and being touched thing. (They don’t talk about how Namjoon lets Jungkook hang from his elbow. Off camera.)
It’s only Taehyung who doesn’t care and all his touches feel intimate. Regardless of the member, Taehyung will hook his chin on their shoulder. He will twine fingers when holding hands. He will stroke their cheeks and burrow himself in their arms. He will beg them for cuddling permissions when he sleeps.
Yoongi is a sucker. So he feels it all the more keenly when Taehyung stops touching him like that. When he retreats to the bro-zone Hoseok and Seokjin have allocated themselves.
All Yoongi can think about is: what did I do?
Where is my cute dongsaeng?
Jungkook still doesn’t shut up about how much he looks up to Namjoon. It’s been a while since Taehyung has said anything about Yoongi’s rap.
Yoongi rewatches the clips to find proof that Taehyung still likes him. But in all of them, whenever Taehyung tells the cameras about missing Yoongi, it’s in a professional capacity.
“BTS is a seven-member group.”
“As you know, Yoongi-hyung is from Daegu as well. He would have wanted to perform here.”
“We wish SUGA-hyung a speedy recovery so we can show you a proper BTS performance.”
When Yoongi returns to the dorm, he sees the group watching clips of old John Cena matches and laughing. Taehyung is cuddling Seokjin’s side. Jungkook is taking pictures of Namjoon napping while Hoseok and Jimin argue over popcorn.
Namjoon had once said seven is the perfect number for a band because it makes them look complete on the stage. One center with three members on either side. For everything else however, an even number is preferable. Everyone can pair off and no one will feel left out. Six is complete enough in a living room.
Hoseok says, “if you want some too we can microwave more popcorn.”
Yoongi shakes his head. “I’m going to go rest.”
Taehyung smiles dopily as he leaves.
*
When Yoongi finishes song #83, the ballad, he submits it for consideration. Bang PD says, “Maybe for your next mixtape. A ballad would be a nice surprise for your fans.”
What Yoongi hears is:
Sing it yourself.
*
So Yoongi does.
*
Because his vocals don’t have the depth the song needs, he decides to incorporate ocean waves into the track. He knows Taehyung and Jimin are making a road trip to Incheon and it’s not that he doesn’t trust them to get the right sounds. He doesn’t even know what the right sound is. He needs to be there. So he packs some recording equipment and Hoseok and apologises as he climbs into the backseat.
“Nonsense, hyung. We’re glad you’re coming with us. It’s been so long since we hung out,” says Jimin.
Taehyung yawns wide, leans his temple against the car window and falls asleep.
Yoongi plays some phone games with Hoseok and asks after his sister. Soon, Hoseok goes down for a nap as well.
“Hey Yoongi-hyung, you’re joining us for the next episode of Run, right?” says Jimin. “The other day I overheard the PDs talking to Namjoon-hyung about the reception of the latest episodes. Our fans are really worried because you have been missing a lot.”
“You sure you don’t mean my antis are celebrating?” says Yoongi.
“Hyung,” says Jimin sternly because he never jokes about stuff like this.
“I am better,” Yoongi confirms.
Jimin smiles. “Good.” When they arrive, Jimin slings an arm around Taehyung’s shoulder and shakes him awake. “Yoongi-hyung is joining us for the next Run!”
“Really?” says Hoseok, beaming because bless him, Hoseok really does enjoy his company.
Yoongi pulls a face. “I’ve been trying to skip as much as I can but I guess this is as far as I can go.”
“It’s going to be so much fun! We should ask the producers to bring the suit just so hyung can do the ‘merry-go-round’ once,” Jimin says.
Taehyung nods listlessly, climbing out of the car.
“Taehyung-ah, you alright?” Yoongi asks.
Taehyung gives him an empty smile. “Of course, hyung.”
The barometer.
The further Taehyung skips from him, the lighter his steps until he is at a distance away and he is laughing with Jimin without a care in the world.
“Hyung, if you want to record the waves you better hurry before the wind goes,” says Hoseok.
Yoongi drags his eyes from Jimin and Taehyung but their ringing laughter follows him all the way down to the shore.
In this group of seven, there is a place for him. But if it’s given only begrudgingly, surely he has enough pride not to cling to it so much.
*
(“It hurts here now,” says Jungkook, putting a fist close to the bottom of his ribs after listening to Yoongi’s ballad. “I’m not sure how to describe it. Hang on, let me get Namjoon-hyung.”
“That’s alright. I trust your ear,” says Yoongi.
“Who is it about? Who’s the ‘love you want to cherish close by but have to keep a distance to maintain’?” There’s a glint in Jungkook’s eyes like he knows.
Yoongi chuckles. “Wanna get some lamb skewers?”)
*
Work continues. New songs, new MVs, new dances, new sponsor campaigns. A new equilibrium reached and then renegotiated. Again. Then, again. As they say, life goes on.
To some degree, Yoongi gets used to being excluded. To some degree, he prefers it like this. He’s always been a loner. So past the initial pain of not being invited, it’s all good.
So he doesn’t understand why the group is intensely debating when they should film the adventure park episode for Run (“An adventure park, hyung! For a whole day!” Jungkook crows while Hoseok looks distinctly green.), because they’re not sure how much his shoulder can take. Taehyung is notably silent and sullen on the matter.
“Just go on ahead,” Yoongi says.
“The free-belay jump and reverse bungee looks okay but I’m not sure about the water slide or that obstacle course,” says Namjoon, swiping across his tablet screen.
Looking over Namjoon’s shoulder, Seokjin says, “Are you kidding me with that? Yoongi’s shoulder will pop right back out.”
Yoongi rolls his eyes. “I’m not saying I can do it. Just go film at the park without me. It’s better that way.”
It’s as if someone had pressed pause on the remote, the way they all just stop.
Seokjin says quietly to Namjoon, “I told you.”
“What?” Yoongi asks.
“What do you mean it’s better that way?” Jimin says.
Yoongi turns those words in his head, wondering what other possible meaning there could be. “It's dangerous for me because of my shoulder so it’d be too difficult to write me into any interesting activity. Plus, if you’re constantly worrying about me, you won’t get to have a good time.”
“But hyung, we still want you to come. It’s not fun without you,” Hoseok says.
Yoongi can’t help himself. He snorts. Then realises they’re all staring humourlessly at him. “Come on, you don’t have to pretend that’s true.”
“Hyung, do you really think we have more fun without you?” Jungkook demands.
Yoongi shrugs. “I have eyes.”
“We don’t,” says Hoseok.
“You don’t have eyes?” Yoongi teases but not even Seokjin laughs. Yoongi huffs. “I know I can be a mood-killer sometimes. It’s fine.”
Jimin demands, “Tell me what is fine when you’ve been thinking that we don’t want you around.”
“It’s not like I don’t know you love me, Jimin-ah, I do. I just want you to be able to laugh and be silly; the way you somehow can’t be when I’m around.”
It’s embarrassing to recount how he’s learned this. How he’s painfully accepted that they’ve easily found a more light-hearted dynamic when he’s not around. But Namjoon had said ‘communicate’ so Yoongi is fulfilling his end of the deal.
“Hyung,” Hoseok protests but he doesn’t say anything more. Hard to deny something for which there is ample visual proof.
“Hyungie,” Jungkook says slowly, doe eyes wide, “that ballad is about us, isn’t it? At first I thought it was about Taehyungie-hyung, but it’s us, right?”
Namjoon and Seokjin exchange looks.
Hoseok looks confused. “What song?”
And damn Jungkook, that talented parrot; he sings the chorus of Yoongi’s ballad, and damn it, as a producer, Yoongi can’t help but appreciate it for its vocal brilliance. Jungkook’s voice has always been so stable and clear and melodic. Still, Yoongi thinks Taehyung’s voice would suit the song better.
Taehyung who right now looks like he’s been slapped with an ice-cold hand.
“Hyung, is this how you’ve really been feeling about us?” Namjoon asks.
“Even after all those times we’ve insisted that we’re seven?” says Jimin. “To each other, to the label. To ARMY and the music shows and even those who don’t give a damn about us?” Jimin’s voice has grown so loud in his anger, he’s practically roaring.
“Did I say we aren’t seven?” Yoongi snaps. “I’m still here, aren’t I? We’re still doing this together. I just want you guys to have as much fun as possible when you can and if that means it’s without me-”
“Hyung,” Jimin says, no longer loud; it’s worse; there are tears in his voice, “whatever fun you think we might have without you, it’s not worth how it feels right now, knowing you think this way.”
“Yoongi-ah,” says Seokjin in the quiet tone he only uses at home; when not Jin but Seokjin, “I had a feeling you might have been feeling this way. Especially after hearing your song. I didn’t bring it up because I thought I was protecting your privacy. Forgive me.”
To Yoongi’s absolute horror, he hears someone sniff. He turns and Hoseok’s eyes are dangerously wet. “Hoseok-ah,” Yoongi pleads.
“I should’ve noticed something. I’m your best friend,” says Hoseok.
Dumfounded, Yoongi hovers over him. More than anyone, he hates it when Hoseok cries. Hoseok, who, along with Namjoon, is arguably the toughest amongst them.
In the tense silence, the sibilance of Taehyung's words make his whisper all the louder. “Jungkookie, why did you think it was about me?”
“He wanted you to sing it,” says Jungkook. “You know how he is. Like that time he made Jimin-hyung bring you snacks. He’s always super concerned about …” Jungkook snaps to Yoongi with a look of alarm. “Is it actually about Taehyungie-hyung?”
Namjoon sighs at Yoongi, business-like. “Just because Taehyung gets a bit moody when you’re on set doesn’t mean you get to quit Run.”
“Huh?” says Taehyung, sounding a little lost.
“You do a little, Tae-ah,” Jimin says gently.
Taehyung lowers his head guiltily.
“As if any of us can have a good time when Taehyung clearly isn’t,” Yoongi shoots back.
Seokjin gets to his feet. “So what? You’re going to punish yourself just because Taehyung can’t hide it when he has bad moods?”
“I wasn’t having bad moods,” Taehyung protests.
“You were! You were quiet and reserved. Don’t think the rest of us don’t notice how much harder Jimin works to cover for you.”
Taehyung looks at Jimin who averts his gaze.
“Hyung,” Namjoon says to Yoongi, “it’s great you care about Taehyung -”
“Like I said, it’s not just about Taehyung,” Yoongi argues.
“Taehyungie, aren’t you going to say anything?” Hoseok says. “Since we’re talking about this, you should tell Yoongi-hyung honestly why you’re upset.”
There is no other way to describe it. Taehyung’s face breaks open. Tears well up and drip down his cheeks full and heavy. He covers his nose and mouth with his hand.
The rest of them stare, stunned.
“It’s okay. Hyung isn’t mad,” Yoongi rushes to say. “Hyung understands. You don’t have to explain. I’m kind of pessimistic and I can be arguesome.”
“Stop. It’s not about that at all,” says Taehyung.
It takes him several moments to calm down enough to speak without sobbing. His face is still contorted, holding back tears. Yoongi hates himself.
“I wasn’t being moody,” says Taehyung. “I was worried. It’s different when we’re promoting our music. That’s the promise we made to ARMY. We had to give the Grammy nomination our best shot. But all the rest… hyungie, your shoulder was already hurting so much. Was it that important to be on Run?”
Yoongi stops short. Oh.
“I was so relieved when you got a surgery date, but then you still kept filming with us. I couldn’t focus at all because I kept thinking how much the games might be hurting your shoulder, or how you should be resting because you’re already spending all your free time on our music.” Taehyung’s tears go plip plip plip onto the back of his hands, balled into fists on his lap. “Like you all say, I cannot hide how I feel but I know all of you were worried about Yoongi-hyung too.”
They all look at their feet instead of at Yoongi.
“I want us to perform on a stage together. For many many more years. Run isn’t that important. We can take care of Run. So please…”
Taehyung. Doesn’t hate him.
The group. Still wants him.
Fuck. They were just worried.
Yoongi sways on his feet, weak with relief. “Guys, I’m so sorry.”
As if a bubble had burst, it feels easier to breathe then. Jungkook reaches out and hugs him from behind. Jimin hugs the both of them from the side, grumbling, “How could you do this to us? We all told you we loved you. On a public network.”
The others are still quiet. Yoongi knows he will have to talk privately to Hoseok. To Seokjin and to Namjoon. They each had thought they’d been in his confidence in some way and he’d broken their trust by withholding this. But they also understand the type of illness he’s living with, the pain it brings his head and heart, no matter what they do. They’ll be okay. By the way Hoseok smiles and Seokjin scoffs and Namjoon shakes his head, Yoongi can tell. They’ll be okay.
Surprising even himself, Yoongi reaches up to stroke Taehyung’s hair. Taehyung looks struck dumb.
“I sometimes forget how big your heart is, Tae-ah,” says Yoongi. The longer Yoongi strokes his head, the more Taehyung’s expression clears. “I’m sorry for making you worry.”
“Uh, hyung,” says Hoseok.
Taehyung’s eyes are sparkling. Bright, boisterous Taehyung with the sharp charisma and the wavelength that no one had understood but now everyone wanted to be on. Yoongi remembers how Taehyung’s grin could contain the joy of a blazing sun. He’d love to see it again.
“Thank you,” says Yoongi. “I do love you.”
That is how he finds himself soundly kissed in front of everyone, with Jungkook and Jimin still hugging him.
*
“Listen,” Yoongi says, a little crazed, “how was I supposed to know? He’s always been a little distant from me!”
In his room, Taehyung hums while choosing his outfit.
“Was it a heat of the moment thing? Jimin-ah, does he go around kissing you as well and I just haven’t noticed?” asks Yoongi.
“You don’t have to answer that,” says Namjoon.
“The van is here,” Jungkook announces loudly.
“Guys, wait!” Yoongi protests.
“You’ll figure it out.” Hoseok winks and ducks out the door.
“Hyung,” Yoongi whines at Seokjin, who laughs (“I’m having way too much fun with this.”) and follows behind Hoseok, leaving Yoongi standing alone by the door when Taehyung finally emerges, looking more suited for a magazine spread than for another day of filming Run BTS.
Taehyung threads their fingers as if they’re going for a date and beams. “Let’s go?”
For a moment Yoongi loses his words. Taehyung really does look his best when he’s happy. How can he be faulted for wanting to make sure Taehyung always looks like that?
“Yeah,” he says. “Let’s.”
*
“Dallyeolla,” says Taehyung.
“Bangtan!” the rest of them shout.
“Could we try that again? This time, Taehyung, could you let go of Yoongi’s hand?” says the director.
A little later on, “Taehyung, could you stand a bit further from Yoongi? We need a clear shot of all of you.”
And, “Taehyung, a little bit further.”
“Go back to rehab!” Seokjin screams at Yoongi. The rest of them groan and laugh in turns. Jimin slaps Taehyung’s shoulder in mock chiding while Hoseok pokes Yoongi in the side, waggling his eyebrows in a way that makes both Jungkook and Namjoon crumple with laughter.
Yoongi bites his lip to stop his smile from growing too wide. His chest feels light. It’s a good day.