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“911, What’s your emergency?”
“Hi, my name's Sandra Mansour, I’m a teacher at Silverlake Elementary school. I wanted to see if I could send a welfare check to one of my students?”
“How old is the student, ma’am?”
“She’s 12, her name is Leah Ramirez. She hasn’t come to school since yesterday and her father isn’t answering his phone.”
“Do you have an address, ma’am?”
“Yeah-yeah, it’s 1924 Turner Court, Apart 4F.”
“We’ll send officers out for a welfare check. Please stand by, we will have to ask you a few security questions while I make sure cops are on their way.”
3 hours later…
Eddie could feel Buck’s eyes on him as Eddie was telling him and the rest of the crew of Christopher’s attempt of planting a garden. “The kid is just super hyped about growing his own vegetable and flower garden, I honestly didn’t think there were specific flowers to attract humming bird and butterflies.” Eddie smiled as he showed off the pictures of Christopher planting flower and even a few small trees.
Hen’s grin was wide as she awed at the few pics of Christopher and Buck holding a bunch of succulents. “That is freaking adorable.” She cooed as Chimney chuckled, along with a few other firefighters. “Didn’t know you were Mr. Green thumbs.” Chimney complimented him.
Buck shrugged, but it was Eddie who answered back. “You’re kidding me, between him and Christopher- we can open our own flower shop and nursery. How did you think Christopher found out about which plants to use to attract hummingbirds? Legit, I feel like I’m a Disney princess in my own backyard. It’s pretty awesome.” He joked, causing the crew to laugh again.
The alarms went off, causing everyone to jolt and run to the trucks as Bobby yelled, “Reports of a possible jumper on Terry View building. Let’s go!”
“Any chance to do the maneuver on this one, Cap?” Chimney asked, as he and rest took their place in the truck and peeled off.
Bobby shook his head no, “They’re on the roof. Landlord from the building across from them called it in.”
“Any updates from Athena about the amber alert?” Hen asked, they had all received the alert on their phones about 12 years old Leah Ramirez, who was reported missing by LAPD after her parent admitted they had not seen her since yesterday morning.
The whole crew has seethed at that- what sort of parents didn’t realize their kid was gone?
They had made it about the same time Athena did, accompanied by a civilian- a woman who looked to be in her 30s, dark skin and hair. Her eyes teary as she jumped out along side Athena.
“I have to go up there!” The woman yelled, only to be held back by Athena as another cop car pulled up. “Sandra, I cannot allow you to go up there.”
They all looked up the 12 floor building to see a small body sitting on the edge of the building.
“Jesus.” Chimney sighed, “that’s the girl, isn’t? The one called in on the amber alert?” he asked Athena.
They all turned to her, knowing the answer already as she shook her head slowly. Sandra let out a sob.
“Bobby, Buckeroo. You’re with me.” Athena called out, she turned to the other office who was now by Sandra’s side. “Make sure to keep Ms. Mansour here.” She ordered as she walked towards the building’s door.
Bobby turned to the rest of the crew as Buck followed Athena, his expression flat.
“Get the air mat ready on my count.” Bobby ordered as he quickly followed Athena and Buck.
“Copy that Cap.” The crew answered in unison as they got ready in position.
When they got to the roof, all three couldn’t help but look at each other.
Buck knew it was girl, she looked so small and young just sitting edge of the building, her fingers wrapped loosely around the edge, her black hair blowing back from the gentle wind that was blowing. She looked so run down compared to the picture of her on the amber alert. The Leah in the picture looked somewhat happy and content, the Leah in front of them looked gone and tired. Her purple hoodie and jeans only made her looked younger, which broke Buck’s heart.
Athena walked slowly over to the girl, but before she could say anything the girl spoke first.
“Nothing you say is going to change my mind.” The voice was soft and broken.
Athena was only a few feet away from her, Buck was only a few feet behind her while Bobby was waiting at the roof access door.
“Why is that?” Athena asked gently.
“Because I need to die.” Leah explained so matter of fact that it made Buck winced. “Nobody wants me.”
“Now I know that’s not true.” Athena said cautiously as she stepped closer, only causing Leah to move farther back. Causing Athena, Buck, and Bobby to jump a bit.
“I know it’s true. My parents don’t want me. They don’t care about me.”
She turned to them, “You can go now.” Her affect was flat, Buck could feel his jaw tick as how empty her eyes were and how cold her voice was for someone who was just 12.
“C’mon Leah, we can talk about this.” Athena offered. “We can work through this. You and me.”
Leah shook her head no, “I’m tired, I’m just so tired. I’m done talking, it never helps. Nothing ever gets better.” Her voice was devoid of any emotion, it chilled Buck to the bone at how final she sounded.
Before Leah could make an attempt to let go, Buck called out to her by saying-
“I know what you’re going through.”
Athena looked over at him, Buck could feel Bobby staring back at him. He didn’t realize the words had left his mouth until Leah looked at him. Her face expressionless as she said “Like you would know how I feel.”
Buck didn’t move. “I do though. I-I wasn’t wanted by my parents either.”
Leah looked at him and then at Athena, who’s face betrayed a look of concern for Buck.
“How so?” Leah asked, still not believing him.
“I wasn’t wanted.” Buck stated softly, he took a baby step closer. “They- my parents,” he winced at the word and how soured it tasted now, “They had me because my older brother had leukemia and he needed a blood marrow donor. They couldn’t find a match for him so they made one. They made me.”
Leah frowned at that, “At least you saved your brother.” She said hollowly.
Buck shook his head at that, stepping closer. “I couldn’t even do that right.” He answered, his voice sounding tight, “He passed away a few months after the surgery. I just found out about him and why they had me a few months ago.”
A surprise look suddenly came across on Leah, “You just found out?”
Buck shook his head.
Leah looked at him, as though she was appraising him and how honest he was being. “How did you feel?”
Buck bit his lip, “Not great.” He answered honestly, “I thought we could work through it, but they made it clear they didn’t want to. They didn’t want to have me and I couldn’t save the son they wanted.”
Leah nodded, “I found out my dad isn’t my dad.”
Buck was only a few feet away from her now, “What happened?” Buck asked sincerely.
Leah looked down at her lap, Buck was cautious of this- he didn’t want her to notice the air mat being blown up. “He never liked me, no matter what I did or say, he never liked me. I thought he hated me.” Leah started, her voice becoming softer as tears started to fall. “I found out that my mom cheated on him, she had a miscarriage before she pregnant with me.”
Buck could feel his stomach churn- he could see where this was going. He took another step closer.
“She- my mom, she died after I was born. I-my real dad never wanted me and the man I thought was my dad, he didn’t find out till I was four.” Leah sobbed, “No body wants me. What’s the point. ”
“I thought the same way.” Buck told her. “I-I did this too.” He admitted solemnly.
“You’re still here.” Leah noted, her voice cracking a bit. “Why?”
Buck bit hip lower lip, his eyes were burning as he thought back to the times where he would pull stunts to get his parents attention, where he hoped he would die so they could see he existed.
It was tiring.
He just wanted to be loved.
“I found my people.” He smiled to himself, sniffing as he stepped closer to Leah- who could only look at him in disbelief. “I realized my parents were just my parents biologically speaking. They-they didn’t care about me and they proved it time and time again. I think guilt and grief was the only reason they kept me.” He sniffed again, watching as Leah wiped her nose with her sleeve.
“What if I never find my people?” she asked shakily. “I don’t have anyone.” She cried.
“You definitely do. Even if you don’t now, you’ll have them soon. You’ll always have people who care, don’t get me wrong, sometimes they’ll make mistakes and sometimes they’ll leave you- but they come back and sometimes you just get new people.” He stepped closer to her, now only two feet apart.
“I know it hurts, I know you feel like nothing you do is never enough, but it is, for you. That’s what matters- that you’re good enough for yourself.”
Leah cried, “He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. I killed my mom; I ruined his life.”
Buck let the tears fall at that, his fists at his side as pushed the urge to find Leah’s dad and punch him squarely in the jaw. “That’s what he thinks.” Buck stepped closer, “But that’s not true. You didn’t ask to be born, you didn’t ask for this pain, your parents had choices and they made them before you were born. That’s not on you, Leah.”
She looked at him, her name from him breaking her out of her trance for a moment. “We didn’t ask to be born, neither of us should had to fight for our parents to love us.” He told her, knowing his voice was cracking towards the end.
Teary brown eyes met teary blue ones, “He’s never going to love me like I’m his, is he? Neither of them will.” Leah asked somberly.
Buck didn’t want to answer that, “You’re gonna have to love you.”
“What does that even mean?” Leah asked annoyed now.
“It means, that people will come and go in your life, but you have to find something that grounds you. I-I had a long talk with my therapist when I was talking to her about killing myself.”
“You wanted to die too?” Leah asked him, sounding interested.
Buck nodded.
“Recently?”
“Yeah.” He answered quietly. “I- I wasn’t doing well, but she told me that even if everyone who I loved left me, I still had me. I had to be my best friend. I thought it was stupid, I can barely be around myself sometimes cause of these thoughts, right? But she told me that that was the point, I had to be kind to myself.” He was next to her now, “You have to be kind to yourself.”
“I don’t know if I can be.” Leah admitted quietly to him, sounding hurt and confused.
“You need to be.” Buck told her gently.
He could see a sliver of her wrist, a jagged red line against tan skin. “You have to be.” He watched her, her grip on the building still loose.
She closed her eyes and Buck took his chance- grabbing her quickly and pulling her away as she screamed at him to let her jump.
“I just want to die. I just want to die. Let me die!” Leah screamed as Buck just held her tightly in a hug.
“I’ve got you.” He told her, “I’ve got you, Leah.” He repeated as he hugged her tightly, letting her punch his shoulders and cry into his shirt.
He felt someone pull her away and saw that Sandra had grabbed her to hug her. Athena and another cop and Hen were surrounding them now as Leah continued to breakdown in her teacher’s arm.
Buck felt his world return to normal as he walked out and out the roof’s door, ignoring the calls from Bobby and Athena.
Bobby and Athena looked briefly at each other before, both thinking the same thing.
He’s still hurting and I hate Phillip and Margaret Buckley.
Eddie could see the change in mood in Buck, Chim looked worried, and Hen knew something was wrong but had only caught the end of Buck saving Leah when they returned to the station later that evening.
Bobby had tried to approach him after the shift but Buck left wordlessly before he could talk to him.
Athena pulled a shaky Bobby into a tight embrace when they returned home that night, “Give him time.” She told him as Bobby cried silently into her shoulder.
Three weeks later…
Things at the station were fine.
At least that’s what Bobby was hoping for.
But he was still worried about Buck.
While the young firefighter was still attending therapy and apparently was now taking medication for ADHD and depression, his mood had changed.
He was still social, stubborn, and impulsive, but toned down now.
Bobby couldn’t pinpoint what exactly was the catalyst for the change; Buck’s parents, the trauma of the news about Daniel’s existence, the therapy, or the medication.
He could credit Buck a bit and say it was just Buck becoming mature.
But something was still bugging him about how Buck was acting.
He wanted to address it with Buck in a more personal and informal way, but decided against it. Buck was coming to work and appeared to be focused.
That’s what mattered at the end of the day.
(He told himself like it was a freaking mantra.)
Eddie was hovering over him since the suicide call and thankfully, Buck allowed him to hover. Since Albert had moved out of the apartment, Buck was spending more and more time with Eddie and Christopher and despite Buck being resistant in the beginning, Eddie was adamant- it was either Buck would come to the Diaz home or the Diaz boys would come to Buck’s apartment. There was no room for arguments or negotiating on this from Eddie.
Maddie was checking in on him more so now, with her new baby daughter in tow.
Watching Maddie and Chim with their daughter and watching Eddie with Christopher always broke and fixed Buck in a way he didn’t want to explain to anyone except his therapist.
And Bobby, he wanted to tell Bobby. But knew he couldn’t.
He was coming into work and getting the job done. That’s what mattered.
(He bitterly reminded himself when he realized Bobby was withdrawing from him the past few weeks).
Buck was on his phone, going over photos of his niece being held by Christopher.
“Mr. Buckley?”
He could feel his stomach drop, he knew that voice before he even looked up.
“Leah.” He smiled, his eyes immediately becoming teary. He got up and pulled out the chair next to him, gesturing for her to sit down. But she shook her head no.
“What are you doing here?” he asked her gently.
She looked healthy, sad still, but better. Her brown eyes held a bit of sparkle and her small closed lip smile look genuine. She had on a bright yellow overall over a long sleeve white shirt, her black hair loose around her shoulders as she carried a small potted orchid and a gift bag.
“I-I wanted to say thank you, for saving me.” She answered shyly.
Buck smiled matched hers’, “You didn’t have to.” He told her, stepping back as she tried to hand him the plant and bag. “I’m just glad to see you’re okay.”
Leah shrugged, “But I wanted to say thank you.” She shook the bag gently, Buck sighed as he took the bag and plant and set them down on the table.
“How are you doing?”
“Better. I stayed at the psych unit for a few days, the medication they gave me is working okay- I just get tired all the time now though and I’m seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, and I have a social worker now.”
Buck nodded, “That’s a start.”
Leah fidgeted a bit, biting the inside of her cheek briefly before answering, “Yeah, it is.” She looked up at him, “I’ll see how it goes, I like my therapist now- my social worker and I went through two already but this one seems nice.”
He nodded again, relieved to hear she was getting help. “Um-what about your-”
“I’m staying with my teacher now, Ms. Mansour?” Leah laughed, “Well now I’m calling her Sandra since I’m living with her now.” She stuck her hands into the pockets of her overall, “It’s weird.” She admitted as she wrinkled her nose.
Buck laughed at that, “Is she fostering you?” he asked for clarity.
“Yeah.” Leah answered bashfully as she tucked in a lock of her hair behind her ear. “My GAL pushed for Child and Family services to license her quickly.”
She pointed down to the main floor of the station, “She’s talking to your captain now.” Leah told him as Buck looked down to see Sandra talking to Bobby and Hen. The woman looked teary but was smiling at a bashful looking Bobby and a happy and relieved Hen.
“You happy?” Buck asked cautiously.
Leah looked at him for a moment, “Somedays.” She answered timidly, “Somedays I think about killing myself and then I think maybe I can just cut to stop the pain, but then I have to remind myself that I need to my kind to myself.”
Buck huffed out a small laugh.
“My therapist agrees with you by the way, but I think It’s not easy though.” Leah admitted, softly crying.
“It’s not.” Buck agreed, passing her a napkin from the napkin holder that was on the table “I-I still have to remind myself that I’m here for me- no one else. I’m still learning to like me, flaws and all that crap.” He sighed; he took her hand in his. “Just know that your parents missed out on someone really great.”
Leah sniffed and hugged him without warning, “So did yours’.” She mumbled in his stomach.
They both pulled away from each other when Sandra joined them, officially introducing herself to Buck. “I just wanted to thank you so much for saving her.” Sandra hugged him as well, tears in her eyes. “You saved my kid.” She whispered to him before pulling away, her hands wrapped around his. “Thank you so much.”
Buck nodded quietly, not trusting himself to break down in a sob.
Sandra looked between the two, a silent conversation going on for a bit between her and Leah who shrugged after a few quiet moments.
Buck stayed motionless as Sandra set a hand against his cheek, while she probably was only a few years older than Buck she looked at him with the gaze of someone who was a seasoned mom. “She told me what you told her. Just know- you’re always welcome to be our people too.” She told him, her tone honest and determined. “Understand?”
Buck nodded wordlessly, sniffing a bit as she pulled him for a hug.
After a few more teary hugs, they left, waving goodbye to Buck one last time as they made their way out of the station.
Buck walked quickly to the locker room and made it to the toilets just in time to vomit up his breakfast.
…
“Where is he?” Eddie asked, picking up Buck’s abandoned phone that was sitting by the gift bag and plant. Hen and Chim swore softly as they looked across the station the deck of the loft, seeing no Buck from their view point.
“Maybe he went for a walk?” Chim suggested, looking at the two with no confidence at all at his question.
Another firefighter spoke up and told them they never saw Buck leave past the station doors. “He would have past me and Adams.”
Eddie became pale- “I’m going to look for him, can you two check the bunks?”
“Sure, call us if you find him first though.” Hen told him as she pulled Chim after her.
Bobby was right at the top of the steps when Eddie was ready to go down. “Where is he?” Bobby asked, worry lines clear on his face and in voice.
“I don’t know, he has to be around the station. He would have past one of us when were down on the floor if he left to go out.” Eddie told him as they went back down the stairs.
Bobby wiped his faced, “I knew I should have checked in on that kid earlier. I knew something was off.” He said out loud, more to himself than to Eddie.
Eddie looked frustrated, Bobby could tell he was trying to hold back his thoughts, but before he could tell Eddie to just spit it out, Eddie told him “Let’s just find him, okay.”
…
Buck hated this part.
The aftermath of a panic attack.
They were moments in where he had to calm himself down.
Drown out the voices and their ugly comments that made his heart and lungs burn with acidic air.
His head usually felt like it was being cracked open with a hot knife usually after a panic attack subsided but the cold tiles in the shower stall helped his over heated body cool off.
He didn’t care he was full grown man just sitting fully clothed in a empty shower stall. He just didn’t care anymore.
And these were the parts where he hated.
The not caring.
The numbness
And the fucking realization that he was unwanted and disposable.
He knew Maddie, Chim, Hen, Athena, Karen, and Eddie wanted him around.
But they didn’t need him.
He was just there.
They had their own family and would sooner or later not want him around because- what was the point of him outside of work?
He closed his eyes tightly as hot tear ran down his cheeks.
He had to kind to himself.
‘I’m going to the beach,’ he told himself, “There’s that RV retreat thing on AirBnB in Malibu. I can go there for a few days.’ He had looked at pictures of the “eco retreat” so many times he had the pictures memorized now. He could see himself drinking a beer or two on the outdoor “living room” and soaking in the barrel tub on top of the mountain.
“Buck?” Eddie’s voice jolted him violently out of his thoughts. He was so determined to calm down he had drowned out any damn sounds.
He looked up to see an alarmed Eddie and a strained looking Bobby.
“I’m fine.” Buck told them, looking towards the wall, not wanting to look at them since he knew he didn’t fine at all.
“No you’re not.” Eddie told him as he sat down next to him, Bobby followed his lead and sat on Buck’s other side.
While Eddie was right next to Buck, their shoulders pressed together. Bobby had left a considerable amount of room between himself and Buck.
Buck expected that.
“You’re not okay Buck. None of us expect you to be okay.” Eddie told him, his warm hand settling on the back of Buck’s neck.
Buck flinched at that, Eddie’s hand was cool against his warm skin.
It was welcoming but jarring.
“You can talk to us, you know?” Eddie reminded him sincerely, his whole voice and tone soft.
Buck wanted to laugh.
Three years of friendship had caused them to rub off on one another too much.
Buck was becoming quiet, sullen, and withdrawn- determined to figure it out on his own.
Eddie was becoming emotional, forthcoming, and honest- determined to show his feelings unapologetically.
“I don’t want to, I’m just tired of talking about this. I’m tired of crying and I’m really really just tired.” He told them numbly. The tears had stopped but his skin was still blotchy and his eyes were still red. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, not realizing there was a sheen of sweat on his face and chest.
“I’m just don’t to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.’
Bobby was the first to snap his attention to Eddie at that. “Buck?” He asked cautiously. “What does that mean?”
Buck laughed, it sounded hallow and dry. Eddie’s grip around his neck tighten a bit. “Nothing, it means nothing.” He admitted, “I don’t want to die, I don’t have any plans to die. I just- sometimes I wish that I could have never been here, y’know? Never been born I guess? What’s the point of me, my parents didn’t want me. I know Maddie loves me.” He looked at their grief stricken faces. “She’s always been my person, but she’s a mom now and a wife to someone who I know won’t hurt her. She doesn’t need my crap.”
“She’s your sister.” Eddie reminded him, “She’s not going to leave you again Buck.”
Buck nodded, “Wouldn’t blame her if she did though, people leave- I know that, whether on purpose or accident, they leave. I’m okay with that now. I don’t need a constant person, I don’t want one.”
“The word you’re looking for is family, Buck.” Eddie told him, his voice gritty, “That’s who is your constant is, your family. Us.”
Buck shook his head at that, “No, you’re not. We’re not a family, we’re a team. At the end of the day, we’re just a group of firefighters that work together, so let’s just go.” He made an attempt to get up but was pulled down by Eddie, “Buck, c’mon.”
“Let me go man.” Buck groused, trying to push Eddie’s arm away from him as he pushed down against the wall again.
“No, not like this.” Eddie begged him, close to panicky himself now. “Bobby?” he looked across Buck to see the older man only look at them. “Help me out here.”
“Like he cares.” Buck sniffed.
Eddie froze that at, he saw something, they all did. They knew there was something between the two men akin to a father and son relationship.
But it was strained and fragile like hell.
Buck’s face looked stormy now, his eyes dark as his body became stiff. Eddie could see Bobby grind his jaw a bit, his face looking pale and uncertain.
“Buck.” Bobby started, only to be cut off by Buck.
“Three weeks Bobby. You didn’t say anything to me for three weeks.” Buck entire body language read as angry, but his voice came out numb and small.
“I-I was trying to give you space.” Bobby stammered, he felt unattached and too attached to the young man in front of him.
The words were burning to get out.
‘You mean too much to me.’
‘I can’t lose you too.’
‘I can’t see you hurt again.’
‘I don’t want you to get hurt by anyone.’
Bobby had to fight himself from pulling the younger man into a bone crushing hug, nearly everyday since the suicide call. All he wanted to do was pull Buck into a hug and kiss his forehead like he did with his kids.
But Buck wasn’t his son and he wasn’t Buck’s father.
He didn’t want to understand why that fact made him want to vomit.
“Three weeks’ worth of space. Thanks” Buck chuckled sourly; the sound made Bobby’s skin burn- he could feel the bile pushing up his esophagus.
“Buck.” Bobby attempted to touch his arm, but Buck shifted away from him, causing the space that Bobby had created to become wider. “I-I wanted to give you time, I knew you would talk it out with us when you were ready.”
‘I didn’t want to see myself in you.’
‘You’re not my son, but I see so much of myself in you.’
‘it scares me.’
‘I don’t want to talk about losing you because you killed yourself.’
‘I’m scared of losing you.’
Buck sighed, his eyes closed, “Right.” He huffed, not believing any of it. He was attempting to get up again but he got pinned by Eddie.
“You’re not leaving till you believe me. You have us.” Eddie told him, he grabbed the back of Buck’s neck again. “Buck, you have to believe me. I’m not letting you go.”
“Till you get yourself a wife again and maybe more kids, maybe I’ll be the Uncle Buck for a moment but I’m not family Eddie. You guys all have your family and people and I’m okay with not being in any of them. It happens, look at Red.”
“Is that what you think?” Hen asked, appearing with Chimney and the rest of the crew. Hen looked heart broken and Chim just looked agitated. “That we would leave you behind like you don’t mean anything to us?” she asked him as she sat down across from him, Chimney following suit. “Like I just didn’t have you over my house this past weekend and like you just didn’t help talk me and Karen down about Nia almost being taken away from us?”
Buck couldn’t look at her, broken and emotional Hen had away of breaking him.
“You held Izzy just last night and were singing lullabies to her, you helped Maddie cook dinner for me and Albert, you think you don’t matter to any of us?!” Chimney almost yelled, “Buck, we have our moments, you annoy the crap out of us sometimes, but you’re my brother before I even met Maddie even- you’re someone I want in my life.”
The other firefighters sat down around him, some stood still but surrounded the stall.
“You make this place interesting and you have our backs- do you know how many times you saved our asses on those tough calls? I get to go home to my kids because of you Buck.” Nori told him, her jaw set as she watched him fold into himself.
“Buck, you covered my ass more times than I can say. I got to say goodbye to my wife because you were willing to take my late notice shifts, I don’t think my kids will ever forget you coming to the funeral and talking to them like they’re adults and not babies.” Adams told him, his thick and hairy forearms crossed, “You’re needed, kid. By all of us- maybe we don’t act like a family in the traditional sense, but we have each other backs’, that’s what matters.”
“You have us. We’re always going to be here.” Hen promised, moving forward to grab his hand. “So let us be there for you.”
Buck finally looked at them, all of them- the whole crew just gathered around him in the shower stall. Nearly 20 firefighter and paramedics all looking at him, each looking determined and broken.
“What do you need, Buck?” Chimney asked him.
“I-I just want go home.” Buck whimpered. “I can’t be here right now.”
Eddie nodded, “Let’s go home then.” He got up and was already pulling up Buck, who told him, “Eddie, I didn’t mean-”
Paramedic Shara cut him off, “We’re not letting you go out on your own, Buckley.” Her resolute tone held no room to argue, “Diaz, take him home please.”
“I wasn’t going to leave him.” Eddie told them; his hand was wrapped around the back of Buck’s neck- he squeezed gently, letting Buck know he meant it more ways than one. “Let’s go.” He told Buck gently as he led the group out of the shower rooms.
None of them noticed that they had left Bobby behind.
The next day…
Buck was rudely waken up by Eddie at 8:30 in the morning.
“C’mon, you need to get up.” Eddie told him as he pulled off the comforters and sheets away from Buck.
He shivered as the cold air hit his skin, “Eddie, c’mon on man.” Buck groaned as he pulled up the sheets over his head again. He had gone to bed immediately as soon as showered and changed once they stepped into Eddie’s house.
“Not a chance.” Eddie sniped, pulling off the covers again and dropping them down to the floor so that Buck couldn’t grab at them again. “You need to get up, you have company.” Eddie pulled the blinds up in the room, letting the sunlight through and accidently-on-purpose shine directly at Buck’s face, causing the younger man to groan in pain as his vision adjusted to the bright light.
“Who?” he groaned.
Eddie shrugged, “Come find out.” he pulled Buck up, his hands resting on Buck’s shoulders for a moment before dropping them and just following Buck to the living room. Not giving him the chance to change out of his sweats and t-shirt yet.
“Athena? May?” he frowned as the two women turned to look at him, both looked apprehensive for a moment before smiling gently at him. “What are you two doing here?”
“We figured we could go on a little drive, hope you don’t mind the early wake up call.” Athena stated apologetically. She was dressed down, jeans and a long red sleeve blouse. She had checked in on him a lot the past three weeks.
“We brought you coffee, it’s in the car.” May pipped up, “Mocha with oat milk.” She smiled. May’s relationship had changed too, she and Buck were okay- not friends or anything, but they liked each other. When Athena had checked in on him a day after the suicide call, May had tagged along. Joking around with Christopher and sitting close by Buck as Athena checked in on him.
“Where are we going?” Bucked asked curiously, neither were really dressed specifically for anything.
“You’ll see.” Athena simply told him, “Go get dressed.”
Buck stood in place for a moment, only looking between Athena and May for a moment before turning to Eddie. “Are you going too?”
Eddie shook his head, “No, but I’ll be here when you get back. Christopher, you and I can go out for lunch or something later if you want.”
Buck nodded, trying not to shiver as Eddie’s fingers dug into back of his scalp. “Go get ready.” Eddie ushered him back down the hallway.
Thirty something minutes later, Buck found himself parked outside a church.
At first he was looking to see where Athena and May were really taking him, following them out without question but paused as they walked up the stairs of the church.
“Why are we here?” he asked incredulously, looking up and taking in the simple stone church.
“We figured it was a good time to talk.” May started, looking at he mom who had walked down to be by Buck’s side again.
“Yeah,” he started off, massaging the back of his neck nervously, “I’ve never been the religious type, Athena. God and I don’t really talk, y’know?”
“I figured you might need to talk, not God unless you wanna give that a shot.” Athena smirked, already knowing the answer.
Buck’s eyes narrowed as he saw the sign in front of the church, it’s name definitely familiar for some reason. “Why are we here?” he asked again, an edge to his voice now.
“Buckeroo.” Athena urged him softly as she grabbed his hand, “Just trust me, okay?”
She pulled him without complaints, with May following behind them up the steps and into the church.
Buck couldn’t remember the last time he ever stood inside a church for a reason unrelated to a funeral or a holiday drive.
They stood behind the pews for a moment, Buck felt uncertain and uncomfortable as he looked around the mostly dim lit church, there were only a few people sitting in the pews.
A dark blond head caught his attention, taking all the air out of his lungs.
“I-I gotta go.” Buck told them bitingly, he felts his skin prickle at the thought of being back in the same room as Bobby now.
He was stopped by two hands on his chest, “Buck, no.” “Stop.” Athena standing in front of him and May besides her now. “Buck, just talk to the man.” Athena asked him.
“Why should I?” Buck snapped, anger and agitation flowing through his veins.
Athena’s eyes clouded a bit, “Because you’re hurting as much as he is, Buck. You two are more alike than Bobby’s willing to admit and it scares him.”
“Oh, he’s realizing he’s as much of as a dumbass as I am?”
The heat made May take a step back, her face crumbling a bit. “Buck.” Her shoulders slump, she had never seen Buck so defeated.
Athena though?
She had seen him like this before.
And Bobby.
Bobby and Buck were more alike and a lot different.
She held her hand against her daughter’s shoulder for a moment, a silent plea.
“Neither one of you are dumbasses, stubborn- for da-” she reeled herself in, realizing where she was. “For sure, but it’s more than that and you know that.” She cupped her hands around Buck’s face when she realized Buck was looking everywhere except her.
“Evan, look at me.” She pleaded gently, she saw Buck chew the inside of cheeks for a moment before looking at her. His eyes watery now and face becoming redder. “You and that man over there are hurting for the same reasons and I know how much you love him and I know you believe he doesn’t care or want to care about you. But you’re so wrong, he loves you. He’s been a mess since the call, he’s been panicking and besides himself, you and him are so much a like and different at the same time that he doesn’t know what to do with it.”
She brushed a tear off from his cheek, knowing she was crying herself. She had to sit and comfort Bobby for the past three weeks- the man was a mess in the privacy of their room.
“But I know you do though.” She brushed another tear before letting him go.
Buck sighed, wiping his nose with his sleeve. He allowed himself to be pulled down by Athena and be kissed on the forehead. “We’re right here, okay?” she promised him as she let go of him.
Buck checked out for a moment, not knowing what he could say to Bobby once he sat down next to him.
“Buck?” Bobby sounded wrecked and he was disheveled, “What are you doing here?”
Buck laid against the stiff pew, clearly uncomfortable with everything. “Was told this was the place to come to talk.” He shifted in his seat again, “How do you even sit in these things?” he asked annoyed, frowning at the pew like they were personally harming him.
“You get used to it, besides, church isn’t about sitting down comfortably.” Bobby informed him, a bit of humorous inflection in his voice now.
“You’re right about that,” he sighed, giving up on ever sitting comfortable. “What do you even do here?” he asked, looking around the almost dreary looking old church.
Bobby looked at him uncertainly, Buck rolled his eyes, “Besides talk to the pastor or priest, whatever they’re called and pray. What’s the point in coming here?” he asked seriously.
“I talk to God, self-reflect.” Bobby confessed after a minute.
“Any responses?” Buck asked dryly, leaning back with arms crossed.
Bobby wanted to let the wall stand.
He should have rolled his eyes and quipped alongside Buck.
It would have allowed them to joke and start fresh.
But not really- it wouldn’t be a fresh start. It would have been them just masking a topic and feelings they wanted to avoid.
Bobby really just wanted the wall to keep standing- it meant a clear line between Captain Nash and Firefighter Buckley. But that wall was crumbling and it was hurting the both of them now.
“You’re here, so I guess it worked.” Bobby answered him in such a hush tone that it hurt Buck when he heard it.
“Athena brought me. Not God.” Buck chided, not kind sounding at all.
Bobby expected that though, the wall and barriers- that bitter emotional distance he had relied on since Buck arrived to the station was going to be the death of him now.
He craned his head to see Athena and May still standing at the back of the church, both of them looking anxious and hopeful.
“I know.”
“What am I doing here Bobby?” Buck asked, fully exhausted now, rubbing his forehead as he felt the stabbing headaches return. “What’s the point of us talking if nothing gets fixed? You expect us to be just co-workers but you treat me differently to everyone else and they all know it. I can’t decide if you’re trying to keep me or push me out.”
Bobby looked away from him, “I-I don’t know.”
A silence fell between them for a long moment.
Buck shrugged, “That’s what I thought.” He sighed as he got up only to have Bobby grab onto his arm.
“Bobby,” Buck winced, “let go.” He pleaded to the older man.
“You remind me of them.” Bobby said after a moment, his grip around Buck’s arm never weakening. “That’s what terrifies me, you look so much like them, like how imagine he would look like.”
Buck closed his eyes at hearing that, holding back the litany of swear words he wanted to say. He chewed on his lower lip as he sat down again.
“I-I didn’t want to be attached to anyone.” Bobby started again, “I tried so hard back then and I think I attached myself to you all anyway.”
Buck took a deep breath in and out- he remembered that damn notebook with all the names and tried to figure out the reason. He knew Chimney and Hen knew what happened, but they had refused to tell him. He knew Bobby was abstaining from alcohol and had a drug problem, he also knew his wife and kids were no longer in the picture, most likely dead, but he was unclear on how that happened.
“Why?”
Bobby looked at him for a moment, unsure in his answering. “I-back in Minnesota, there was an accident. The wiring in the building was faulty and wrong, the whole apartment complex went up in flames and I was drunk and high like a kite but somehow managed to live while my family and 145 other people died.”
‘Jesus.’ Buck felt the pain in his heart, no wonder Hen and Chimney refused to tell him. He didn’t want to know how he would have taken the news back then.
“…Bobby.”
“I-I was so convinced that I was responsible for killing them, we lived in that apartment for years and I was a firefighter, was so doped up and drunk that I never did the basics in checking in that the apartment was up to code.”
Buck frowned at that, turning his body to face Body now. “That’s not on you.”
“It might as well have been. I should have died that night. That’s why I came California, I needed a fresh place to start.”
Buck didn’t like that haunting tone one bit. His brow deepened at that, “To start what, Bobby?”
“My penance.” He looked at Buck with hallow eyes, “I save 148 people here and then I could go.”
Buck’s stomach dropped at that, the way it was delivered was too final for his liking. “Back to Minnesota?” he asked hopefully.
Bobby gave him a pointed look.
“You never told me any of this.” Buck felt like he had cold water doused on him, he knew Bobby had a temper that was easily brought up and that he was a religious man.
He just could never imagine that Bobby would want to kill himself.
He didn’t want to imagine the what ifs there.
“I, you didn’t need to know.” Bobby told him, “I didn’t want to tell you.”
Now that angered Buck, he had told Bobby everything and Bobby- while he knew Bobby was trying to make sure there was a line between them, sometimes would treat Buck like a son.
And he wanted that.
Buck was mature and damaged enough to admit he just wanted that from Bobby.
“Why though?” Buck asked, the anger all but gone now, replaced with a broken voice and sullen eyes. “I could have helped.”
Bobby shook his head, “And that’s why Buck. I didn’t want you to help, I didn’t want you to get too close to me.”
“I could have done something!” Buck exclaimed, “You let me help you get sober, remember?”
Bobby made an attempt to grab him by the shoulders but stopped, instead crossing his arms and just simply turning to face Buck.
The aborted move wasn’t missed by Buck at all, “I-I know why you won’t let me get too close to you.” Buck said after a moment of silence, he didn’t even care to stop the tears now as they flowed. “You don’t want to get attached. But you have one hell of a track record in not getting attached and involved Bobby.” He ignored the pointed looks from a few people who heard him say “hell” but he ignored them. “You can’t play boss man one moment and then step up like-like a dad, Bobby. That’s not fair to either of us.”
Bobby sniffed, “I know.”
“Do you?” Buck sounded heart broken and done, “You mean a lot to me, I don’t- I don’t have a father, Bobby, or a mom, not really. I-I know it shouldn’t matter, not now, not when I'm pretty much freaking thirty now, but I can’t help it. I-I just wanted someone to love me, and I know it sounds ridiculously needy and selfish, but I’m tired of being alone and tired of feeling like I don’t matter. You’re the first person to ever look at me and not see a screw up or someone who’s disposable.” He pushed through the tears as Bobby looked straight ahead, “I wanted to be just like you, I wanted to make you proud of me cause I thought you had my back. But…what did I do wrong?” he sobbed.
Bobby sniffed, “I love you.”
Buck stood still, not believe his ears at all. “What?”
“I love you like you’re my own son. That moment when you were pinned by the firetruck, I-I couldn’t think of anything besides getting you out of there. I couldn’t handle seeing you get hurt because of me, when I saw you vomit up your own damn blood, I just panicked.” He sunk his face into his hands as he recalled seeing Buck just stand there vomit his blood like a scene from a horror movie. “My whole life just flashed past me when you did that.” He groaned, “I already lost two of my children because I couldn’t save them. I didn’t want to lose you too. I just wanted to keep you safe.”
“You could have told me.” Buck said in awe, his vision blurred by tears. He had moved closer to Bobby. ”Bobby, you could have told me the truth.”
“I’m not perfect Buck. I mess up all the time.” Buck flinched at how much venom and heat Bobby said that with.
“I never said you were, I never thought that either.” Buck told him honestly, “It- it just would have saved us a lot of time and heartache.”
“I know- but you’re right- about me stepping up like a dad when it’s convenient, I just, there are moments when I just think- he could have been my son.” Bobby confessed, earning a small broken laugh from Buck.
“You know how I feel, you’ve met my parents.” Buck tried to smile through it.
Bobby’s face twisted at the mere mention of Buck’s parents. “I really hate your parents by the way.” Bobby confessed again. “I hate them. They don’t know what their missing by not being your parents.”
Buck’s laughter came out wet. He was getting really sick of crying, but it was cathartic, and it was the only thing he felt safe doing. “Not missing much, lets be honest there.”
Bobby looked at him finally, studying him for a moment before doing the one thing he had wanted to do since the suicide call.
Buck froze a bit as Bobby hugged him, he felt his body loosen and fall into a hug after a few moments, pulling his arms around Bobby and pulling him closer. “They’re missing a whole lot, Buck.”
Buck nodded into the crook of Bobby’s neck, “I’m sorry about your kids, Bobby.”
“I know.” Bobby said into his shoulder. “They led me to you though, that’s how I want to see it.”
He pulled away from Buck after a few more seconds, but kept his hands on his shoulders. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough or not wanted, that’s never been the case. Not from me or anyone at the station- I-I know you’re not like me, you’re not my son by blood or anything, but I see a lot of myself in you and I don’t want to, I want you to be better than me.”
“That’s a hard feat to reach.”
“Not really.”
Buck shook his head that, “Yeah, really. You’re a great captain, Bobby, and you care despite what you went through. I-If I become better than you that’s saying a lot about how much growth I have to go through.”
That caused the both of them to laugh, “You’ll get there in no time.” Bobby sniffed, “You’re half way there anyway.” He smiled at Buck, this time genuinely. “You’re a great kid, Evan.”
Buck’s eyes widened at that, the choke sob coming out as a small laugh. “Thanks…pops.” He half cried/chuckled, he got pulled into another hug by Bobby when they got up.
“I love you.” Bobby said again.
“I love you too.” Buck said back, sniffing a lot as they pulled apart and wiping his nose again with his shirt. “I’m getting really sick of crying.”
Bobby laughed softly at that as he pulled out a clean Kleenex from his pocket and passed it to Buck. “You know I want you here, I-I don’t want to wake up to find out you’re gone or hear you think that none of us want you. You’re always going to be my family, whether you’re a firefighter or not, I-I don’t want to stop thinking of you as son, if that’s okay with you.”
“More than okay.” Buck assured him, “You-you don’t feel that way, like you want to die, do you?” Buck asked just to be sure.
Bobby shook his head, “Do you?”
Buck nodded his head, “Sometimes, it comes and goes.”
“The next time it comes, let me know, okay?”
Buck nodded, “You too, you know.” Reminding him as they walked back to Athena and May.
“You two okay?” May asked cautiously, Athena looking between them as she noticed the ease in their posture and the air around them lighter than ever.
She smiled; puling May close to her. “I think these two are good, right fellas?”
Buck shook his head yes, while Bobby smiled and told them, “Much better.” He told them both. He clapped his hand together, “Why don’t we pick up Harry and go out for brunch of something, my treat?” Bobby suggested.
“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Athena smiled at the two as she walked up to wrap her other arm around Buck’s waist. “You want to invite Eddie and Christopher then?”
Bobby didn’t miss the faint blush on Buck’s face, “Yeah,” Buck answered slowly, “Sure Christopher would love a stack of chocolate chip pancakes.”
“That sounds so good right about now.” May laughed as they made their way to the car.
Before Athena could slide into the driver’s seat, Bobby held her waist to stop her. “Thank you.” He told her, kissing her softly on the lips.
“You’re welcome.” She whispered back, kissing him back. “You two are so much a like in the best and worst ways, he needs you as much as you need him. Don’t lose him, Bobby.” Athena warned him gently.
He kissed her forehead this time, “I don’t intend to do that ever.” He promised her.
“Good.” She told him, her hands on his chest. “Because between you and me, if I ever see the Buckleys’ again, I’m dragging Buck and Maddie to the courts to have their name legally changed to Nash-Grant.”
Bobby laughed out loud to the half joke/half promise, walking around the car to sit in the passenger seat, he took a moment to look back and see May and Buck laughing over something on Buck’s phone.
He had his family.
He wasn’t intending to ever let go of that now.
And he hoped Buck wouldn’t either.