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Nick had been putting in the work. He stopped pulling all-nighters at the precinct and he went to therapy as consistently as he could. He did all the tricks. Counting to 10. Deep breaths. Hell he had even started writing in a journal, even if it made him feel pathetic at first.
Staying in New York was a conscious choice, he knew his work at SVU wasn’t done yet. The prospects of his career moving forward were dim, at first. But ever since he started taking care of himself, things seemed more hopeful.
Nick was at the precinct a little later than he wanted to be, but it had been a busy day and he didn’t want to fall behind on paperwork.
“Amaro.”
Nick looked up from his work. Mike was standing over his desk, coat in hand. Nick really had no control over the big smile that spread across his face anytime Dodds walked into the room. He knew he looked stupid, but there was just something about Mike that made him feel warm and safe.
“Thought you were done putting in the late nights.” Mike said, looking at the stack of the paperwork on Nick’s desk.
“I didn’t want it to pile up.” Nick said.
“Let it pile up, just tonight. I could use a drinking buddy.”
Before Nick could respond, a man with blood dripping from his forehead emerged from the hallway, stopping to talk to the desk officer.
“Shit.”
It was Nick’s dad.
Mike shot a quizzical look at Nick and then turned to the injured man who was quickly approaching.
“NICKY! I knew you’d be here. Always working this kid. I tell him to get out more, but he never listens.”
Nick’s eyes shot daggers at his old man. He couldn’t say anything. The rage that was building up inside of him was paralyzing.
Mike looked between the two men trying to put two and two together. He’d never met Nick’s dad, but he heard bits and pieces from the gossiping officers in the precinct.
“Sir why don’t you take a seat in my office and I can try to find someone to take a look at that head injury for you.” Mike offered.
Judging from the look on Nick’s face, Mike knew he had to get that man away from him.
“No I want to talk to my son. Who are you?” The man said, acknowledging Mike for the first time.
“Sergeant Mike Dodds. Do you wanna tell us what happened to your head?” Mike tried again.
“Sergeant eh?” The man looked at Nick. “You let this guy take your job? Come on Nicky, I knew you had no backbone, but even you could beat this guy.”
That was it. Nick was used to his father berating him, but coming after Mike was where he drew the line.
Nick stood up slamming his hands on the desk. “That’s ENOUGH Nicholas.”
“Yeah? What are you gonna do?” Nick’s dad taunted.
“Why don’t we step outside and you can find out.” Nick said, his face an inch away from his father’s.
“Alright that’s enough. Amaro, break room. Now.” Mike spoke with a stern voice, hoping he could diffuse the situation before it got any worse.
“What the hell are you even doing here huh? Who’d you hurt this time? You’re out of your DAMN mind if you think I’m gonna bail you out.” Nick said, ignoring Mike.
“That’s an order, detective.” Mike repeated.
Nick clenched his jaw, but he did what he was told.
“Don’t worry sergeant, if there’s one thing my son’s good at, it’s walking away from family. Just ask his ex-wife and kids.” Nicholas said the last bit louder to make sure Nick heard him even as he walked away.
Nick clenched his fists. 1..2..3...4..5… breath in. Breathe out.
It wasn’t working. The room was spinning and all Nick could think about was how he wanted to hit something, anything. He felt like he was going to explode.
The power his father still had over him. Even after all these years. Nick felt like all the work he’d done had unraveled in a second. All the time and distance in the world couldn’t make how Nick felt about his father go away. The audacity of Nicholas to look him in the eye and act like nothing was wrong. It was infuriating.
He needed to hit something. Nick clenched his fists again and was going to take it out on the vending machine when Mike walked in.
“Nick..” Mike’s voice was soft and gentle, a stark contrast from the stern voice that sent Nick to the break room.
Nick hated it. He hated the way Mike was looking at him. The pity in his eyes. The way he spoke like Nick was made of glass and could break at any moment.
“Where’s Nicholas?” Nick said in a harsh tone.
“He’s with an EMT getting his head checked out. I still have to take his statement.” Mike stepped closer to Nick. “I just wanted to check if you were okay.”
Nick scoffed. “Right. Gotta make sure I keep my lid on. Can’t have any bad press, not while daddy dearest is the chief. Don’t worry about it, sergeant. I wasn’t planning on spilling blood in the precinct.”
A look of hurt flashed across Mike’s face and it gutted Nick. Mike was the last person he wanted to hurt, but Nick felt like he was spiraling.
“That’s not what I’m worried about. I don’t care about any of that stuff Nick! I care about…” Mike trailed off and looked away.
Was Mike about to say he cared about Nick?
An officer interrupted them before Nick could press Mike to finish his sentence.
“Sergeant, Mr. Amaro is ready for you.”
Mike sighed. “I’ll take care of this. I’m clocking you out.” Mike started to leave.
“Mike.” Nick called after him.
“Go home detective.” Mike left.
____________________________________________
Nick sat on the floor of his apartment. The couch seemed too comfortable for the way he was feeling.
He regretted taking his anger out on Mike.
Nick and Mike got along well enough at first. It did hurt to see someone from outside of the squad being brought in to fill the sergeant position, but Nick had grown to like Mike. And if he was being honest with himself, maybe it was more than just like.
When Nick’s therapist told him to “picture a happy place,” all Nick could ever see when he closed his eyes was Mike. With the house he grew up in and the career he chose, Nick had almost forgotten what it felt like to be safe. But being in a room with Mike was like basking in the sun for the first time after a long winter. Mike was the calm after the storm.
The doorbell interrupted Nick’s thoughts. He wasn’t expecting anyone. With his hand on his gun, Nick checked the peephole.
Mike?
Nick opened the door to find Mike standing in the hallway holding a pizza and a pack of beer.
“Do you always answer the door with your gun?” Mike asked.
Nick took his hand off his gun. “Uh.. no?” Nick shifted uncomfortably. Why was Mike here? Did it have to do with his dad? What did Nicholas do? Was Nick getting fired? Was the pizza and beer a send-off gift? Nick couldn’t think of any other reason for the sergeant to personally show up at his apartment.
“I just uh wanted to make sure you were alright… and I could still use a drinking buddy.” Mike said, holding up the beer.
Mike was here to check up on Nick? Surely this was a work thing. He was here to make sure that Nick stayed in line and didn’t make the NYPD look any worse than they already did. It couldn’t be that Mike actually cared about Nick. Could it?
“Soo…” Mike prompted awkwardly.
Nick realized he had left Mike standing in the doorway. “Oh sorry, come on in.” Nick said, clearing a path for Mike to come in.
“Look about today—“ Nick started before Mike cut him off.
“I didn’t charge Nicholas with anything.” Mike said.
“Oh.” was all Nick managed to say.
“The head thing, it was a bar fight. Some guy broke a bottle over his head because Nicholas was getting a little too friendly with his girlfriend. Nicholas had some bruising on his knuckles, but unless the guy comes in to press charges, there isn’t really anything I could hold him for. I had to let him go.” Mike said.
Nick popped the cap off a beer and sat back down on the floor. “And as always Nicholas is unscathed.”
Nick could feel the anger building up in him again. Of course his father was out at a bar, flirting with other women while his child bride probably waited for him to come home. Why hadn’t the other guy pressed charges? Was it fear? Did his father hurt him so badly, he couldn’t make it to the precinct? He probably thought he was doing that woman a favor.
Nick scoffed. He’d been running scenarios like this in his head since he was a kid. Like on the nights when his mom thought he was asleep, but he could hear her crying in the kitchen. He would try to understand the pain she felt. Try to figure out what Nicholas had done to her this time. He was so young and all he could ever think about was how people could hurt the ones they claimed to love.
Mike sat down next to Nick. The different scenarios kept running through Nick’s head. “I’m not gonna pretend to know or understand your relationship with Nicholas. All I can do is be here.. and listen.”
Mike rested his hand on top of Nick’s. The scenarios stopped spinning in his head.
“If I can’t..” Nick half-surprised himself as he started to speak, but he couldn’t help the words from pouring out. “If I can’t control my anger, how does that make me any different than him.” Nick finally got out.
There it was. His number one fear, out in the open for Mike to see.
“Look Nick, I don’t know your father, but I know you. You’re not just the angry guy with a troubled past. The things that people try to reduce you down to.. that’s not all of who you are. When I look at you I see a guy who took every bad thing life threw at him and tried to turn it into something worthwhile. You’re a good detective, a loving father, and a loyal friend. This thing with Nicholas, it’s not something that goes away overnight. But whatever you need to do, I want you to know that I’ve got your back. We’re in this together.”
A smile crept up on Nick’s face. The way Mike looked at him made him feel like maybe, just maybe, one day Nick would be able to come to terms with the way his childhood had panned out. He was still angry at Nicholas and maybe that would never go away. But for once in his life, that didn’t feel like such a heavy burden. Not when Mike Dodds was here on the floor of his apartment holding his hand.
Nick took his hand out from under Mike’s so he could interlace their fingers.
“I’m glad you’re here.” Nick said.
Mike smiled at him. “Me too.”
“Now let’s dig into this pizza, I’m starving.” He said opening the box.
“You got pineapple?” Nick said, staring at the pizza in disbelief.
“What? It’s the perfect balance of sweet and salty!” Mike said, picking up a slice.
“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Nick said, taking a slice for himself.
Mike smiled at him with his mouth full.
Nick didn’t have to close his eyes to go to his happy place anymore, it was right in front of him.