Work Text:
The first lighter that Kaoru gets his hands on he buys at a corner store after midnight. He’s supposed to be getting something for himself, Kojiro and Adam after another night of skating, because neither of them had brought water bottles with them and the vending machine near the park didn’t have the aloe vera drink that Kojiro preferred, and Kaoru had reluctantly offered to be the one to get it for him.
The lighter is pink, the plastic almost see-through, and in the stale light he can see the oil inside when he picks it up. It’s right next to the checkout, and he throws it in with the bottle of aloe vera, a cherry coke and sparkling water. He slips it into his pocket before walking outside, crossing the street to where the street lights don't reach, and where he knows that Kojiro and Adam will be waiting.
He tosses the bottle to Kojiro who snatches it out of the air with no problem and chugs half of it down in one go. Kaoru glares at him in disgust, and all he gets in response is a grin. Ugh.
Adam grabs the cherry coke from his hand, and he tries not to read anything into it- that only after Kaoru had told Adam about how he’d considered the skater name Cherry had Adam seemingly picked up cherry coke as his favorite drink, or how their fingers almost brushed against each other. It wasn’t anything, and yet his chest felt too small for his heartbeat.
“There’s a place I think we should check out.” Adam says after a few moments, pushing himself off the wall he’d been resting against. “A hotel, it’s closed for the season and the pool is drained.”
It’s past midnight, and Kaoru knows he and Kojiro have school in the morning and that it’s incredibly stupid to stay out longer, he also knows that there’s no way in hell either of them will give up the rush of skating in a new place.
He forgets about the lighter in his pocket, focusing instead on catching up to Kojiro and Adam skating ahead of him.
Kaoru only remembers the lighter when he falls into bed right before the sun goes up, still fully dressed, and he feels something dig into his hip bone. He pulls out the lighter and looks at it for a moment and flicks it on. The flame is small, but it’s so close to him that it warms the tip of his thumb.
The next day as soon as he gets home and is safely locked away inside his room he pulls the lighter out from his pocket, lighting up the little flame and just staring at it. The flame moves ever so often when he exhales. Out of curiosity he pulls a stand of hair from his bangs and holds it over the flame.
And oh. Kaoru watches in fascination as the part of his hair not directly over the flame curls away from the heat, and a miniscule cloud of smoke rises in the air.
The lighter becomes a bit of a fixation after that.
Lighting things on fire, Kaoru finds, can be very exhilarating even if the end result is still the same every time- the end result isn’t what’s important. He watches dry leaves be consumed by the flame in a matter of seconds- leaving nothing behind, and how holding plastic over the fire will make it bend and contort until there is a ring of heat eating away at the edges.
But what he loves the most is watching paper burn. He doesn’t know how many pages of his notebook gets sacrificed to this new little hobby of his, but it’s worth it. He’ll sit at his desk right in front of the open window to let out the smell of smoke, and watch how page after page gets reduced to ember in front of him.
The first time he actually uses the lighter for its intended purpose isn’t anything special. Really it isn’t.
Kojiro had texted and said that he’d be late to their usual meetup spot, and Kaoru had promised him that he and Adam would wait around, so that’s what they did.
Being around Adam is inspiring. Every time he’s around Adam he finds out that here are new heights to reach, sharper turns to take, and it makes him push himself further than he’d thought possible. Adam is a goal and a fascination.
Kaoru’s sitting on the railing, biting his lip ring and trying to remain calm and cool. It’s just him and Adam, who’s standing beside him, just far away so that there’s no chance of them touching each other, both close enough for them to be in the same space. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Adam shift and pull out a cigarette from his pocket. He doesn’t know when Adam began to smoke, it’s like most things Adam does, he shows up with a new habit or skate trick and it’ll be a new part of his personality that Kaoru accepts.
“You got something to light that?” He asks, and it feels like the lighter is burning a hole in his pocket, like he should start to smell burnt fabric and skin any moment now. Instead all he feels is Adam’s eyes on him.
“No.” Adam responds, a smirk on his lips. “You offering?”
“Why else would I ask.” He shoots back, and holds up the lighter. The oil is half gone, and he’s already taken to looking at new ones whenever he enters a store, but he’s quite fond of this one.
Adam just laughs at him, leaning in close with one hand cupping the flame against the wind and cigarette already in his mouth.
Kaoru focuses on the fire rather than him. Sees the exact moment it catches on the white paper around Adam’s cigarette, the small dots of orange heat that immediately starts to eat away at it, and how they glow brighter when Adam inhales.
“Thank you, Cherry.”
Kaoru snatches the lighter back to his pocket. That is another thing that doesn’t mean anything, Adam refers to both him and Kojiro their skate names now. It isn’t anything special. “Uh yeah sure. No problem.”
He turns away from Adam and stares ahead until he can see Kojiro skating towards them, and the tension in the air is mercifully gone. Dispersed like smoke.
The first time he burns something that belongs to Kojiro it’s his report card from school. Because it calls his friend ‘average’ or some bullshit like that. Impossible. Like Kojiro could ever be anything less than extraordinary.
He doesn’t say that of course, instead he lights the paper on fire in front of them both, and lays back down on the grass in the park.
“Huh. How long have you owned a lighter four eyes? Planning on taking up smoking like Adam or- hey !” He exclaims when Kaoru punches his shoulder.
“No, you idiot. I just. It’s fun I guess.” He closes his eyes and hears how Kojiro shifts beside him.
“So you burn report cards for fun.” Kojiro’s skeptical and yeah, put like that it doesn’t sound great. Kaoru grimaces and opens his mouth to protest, when Kojiro continues. “Alright, that’s a bit weird but alright.”
“Alright? That’s all you’re going to say?” He opens one eye to look at his friend. Kojiro is laying on his side, head resting on his hand and with a bright sunny grin lighting up his face.
“Yeah it could be worse, it could be your weird robot girlfriend.”
“ Carla is not my girlfriend! ”
When Adam leaves it’s the first time that Kaoru uses gasoline.
He lets himself stew in the anger, hatred, disappointment and heartbreak he feels over Adam leaving, and then heads to the skatepark, taking unnecessary risks and ignoring the burning behind his eyes. Around him the rain is rushing down and he should feel cold, but the lighter in his pocket once again feels like it’s burning against his skin, and it fuels him to keep going until he arrives.
Standing in the middle of the skatepark at night in the pouring rain, the world seems incredibly small and gray.
From inside his jacket he pulls out a bunch of photos, some already destroyed by the rain, and Kaoru takes a moment to stare. So many of them are from the park he’s at right now, pictures of Joe in the middle of a trick with Adam standing on the side face obscured by his hoodie, and all three of them standing side by side, skateboards in hand and looking so incredibly happy . Fuck, he hates all of them.
But most of all he hates the photos that just him and Adam, and how stupid and devoted he looks in each one. Like Adam didn’t leave him behind, like he didn’t even try to get Adam to stay.
Fire can be destructive, and not even damp photographs and rain can stand against burning gasoline.
Kaoru doesn’t move from his spot beside the burning pile on the ground, the fire that keeps going despite all the water and coldness around it, and watches how the fire eats away at everything until there’s just ashes left, and still it keeps burning. It’s the only light around for what feels like miles.
The fire is still burning when Kojiro shows up, but it’s smaller now and Kaoru’s shivering with his arms wrapped around himself, pretending that it’s only the raindrops that are falling down his face.
“It was a real shitty thing he did, just leaving like that.”
Kaoru laughs and it sounds weird and choked up, but it’s genuine. “Adam was a real bitch at the end huh. Motherfucking idiot.”
It feels easier to curse and be angry at Adam than to miss him.
“Did you burn all the pictures of him?” Kojiro asks, kicking a few pebbles into the fire.
“Yes. And the ones where you fuck up your skating since you were too focused on trying to look good for the camera.” That’s a lie. Those photos are safely stored in a white envelope in the back of his closet, only to be brought out in case of nostalgia or blackmail.
“Wow, Cherry Blossom doing something nice for me? Never thought I’d see the day!” Laughing, Kojiro bumps shoulders with him and they remain standing there until there’s almost nothing left of the fire. “Hey do you want to head back? I got ice cream and I think you left your awful mixtape CD at my place.”
“Don’t call my music awful just because you don’t have any taste.” Kaoru glares at Kojiro, but it’s not as heated as it could be. This he knows is Kojiro’s way of making sure that he’s okay, or at least that he will be. “What kind of ice cream is it?”
“Mint I think? It’s something green at least.”
“Absolutely disgusting.” He wrinkles his nose.
“Well you can either stay out here in the rain or…”
“Yeah fine whatever, I’ll come with you. Just give me a moment.” The lighter is in his pocket as always, and he pulls it out and looks at it. It’s not bright enough for him to see how much lighter fluid is left inside, but he doesn’t have to, he knows it’s almost empty. Kaoru hesitates only for a moment before throwing it into the fire, and then turns around to follow Kojiro.
The second lighter he buys in an annoying bright green, made from the same almost see-through plastic. But this one he can refill with lighter fluid. He keeps it for a very long time.
Over the years his fascination with fire doesn’t dwindle, but it takes a backseat to his career and skating. Still, it doesn’t stop him from holding napkins over the candles at Sia la Luce and watching how long they can burn before Kjiro comes stomping over and slaps his hand away while complaining about ‘fire safety’.
Being around Kojiro is different to the rest of the world. He’s stability in a way that nothing else in Kaoru’s life has ever been, nothing had stuck around for quite as long as Kojiro, nor had anybody been willing to get to know him so well, let alone accept him. Kaoru is well aware that he can be stubborn to phrase it mildly, stubbornness is what keeps him going forward- why he’s known as the AI Skater and a master calligrapher, but it’s not a good quality for human interaction.
But despite that Kojiro stuck around, matched his rude comments with something even worse and would help him up whenever he fell off his board. The few instances they would brush against each other felt like explosions on Kaoru’s skin, small wildfires that would keep him awake at night, turning his lighter on and off just staring at the flames and trying very hard to convince himself that this, also, didn’t mean anything to him.
Every interaction with Kojiro felt warm and precious, explosive and exhilarating.
Racing against Adam is like fanning the flames of a forest fire. Getting hit by Adam’s board is like standing in the middle of the forest.
The second time Kaoru uses gasoline is five weeks after he snuck out of the hospital, and three days after he could finally remove all the bandages and band-aids from his body. If Kaoru had made a mistake in trusting that Adam could still have been his friend, then Adam made a mistake in taking off his hood all those years ago and showing his real self.
He brings Kojiro with him this time, and the lighter in his pocket seems as heavy as his hand around Kaoru’s.
The plan had been to break into Adam’s disgustingly expensive mansion at night by disabling the security system around the house using Carla, and then locate whichever room Adam kept his skateboard safely stored in. But, as with most things that involve Adam, things didn’t go according to plan.
Instead, when they get the gate open they’re greeted by a man in a suit. He has a freckle under his eye and Adam’s skateboard in his hands. The man doesn’t look particularly surprised to see them, and Kaoru allows himself one moment of pure panic and fear over seeing the board before he steels his shoulders.
Kojiro squeezes his hand once before taking a step forward, an easy smile on his face and eyes sharp. “Good evening.”
The man just nods at him. “I assume you’re here for this.” He says in a complete monotone voice and holds out the board. Kojiro takes it which is good, Kaoru isn’t sure he’d be able to actually tough that thing again. “There’s an empty pool in the backyard, and it seems like the groundskeeper forgot to turn on the motion-sensor spotlights tonight.”
“Got it. We won’t be long.” Kaoru says after a beat. The man nods again, and they both watch as the man turns around and walks back to the house, almost disappearing in the darkness.
“That was certainly odd.” Kojiro opens the gate a bit more and gestures inside, winking. “Ladies first.”
“Oh fuck off you overgrown gorilla.” He spits back, and walks through the gates, head held high. He can hear blood pumping in his ears and his heart feels too small for his chest, but this time he doesn’t ignore it.
The mansion is even bigger up close. Kaoru keeps a close eye on the windows, in case there might be someone on the other side, but there’s no movement inside. Had he been here years earlier, he might have wondered which window was Adam’s, now however, he only feels a deep seated disgust.
They find the pool easily enough, and when he slides down the side of it to get to the bottom, Kaoru can feel the scapes and see the burns from skateboard wheels on the interior. Clearly it’s a place that Adam has skated at and probably holds dear.
Kojiro places the board in the middle of the pool, and on it’s own without Adam to wield it like a weapon it just looks gaudy, polished and kept in tip top condition with no scratches. Completely opposite to how a skateboard should look, even Carla has her dents and marks- boards are supposed to be worn, to show that they’re well used and loved . Looking at the skateboard in front of him, it’s easy to see that Adam lost sight of what skating was about a long time ago.
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t feel any remorse when he pours gasoline over the board, drenching the wood completely, and lights it all on fire.
The heat of the fire hits him like a force, overwhelming and burning against his skin. Yet he stands there and watches how the red heart on the board slowly turns black and gets engulfed in the flames. For a moment, he’s tempted to throw the lighter into the fire, but he’s not the young heartbroken man he once was, so he put it back into his pocket, a comfortable and familiar weight.
“Alright.” He exhales. “Let’s get out of here.”
When they are walking down the street outside and leading away from Adam’s house Kojiro teases him, eyes warm and glowing under the streetlight. “And you’re completely sure you didn’t want to stay and bask in the glory of your revenge a little longer?”
“Hm, no. I had Carla record the whole thing, I’ll save it for later when I’m feeling particularly spiteful.” It’s colder now- a gentle breeze blowing in from the sea, but Kojiro is plenty warm and he takes a step closer, so close that they’re almost touching.
Beside him, Kojiro barks out a laugh.
“Ugh whatever. Just. Thank you for being here tonight.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What are friends for if not to commit arson with.”
“Yes but. You are-” He clenches his fist, exhales. “You mean more than just a friend to me.”
“Kaoru.” Kojiro starts to say, and then stops. He raises a hand to Kaoru’s face, and cups his cheek. His palm is warm, and his thumb strokes over his lips. It feels like a confession. “You must know that you’re so much more than a friend to me too.”
His other hand rests on the back of his neck, fingers tracing the thin strands of hair that isn’t tied with the ponytail. Kaoru can feel his every breath on his lips, and in one move he grabs the front of Kojiro’s shirt and pulls him down- replacing his thumb with his lips.
Kissing Kojiro is an experience like no other. It’s hot and heavy and messy, too much teeth and yet he wants more. For the first time his chest doesn’t feel too small for his heart.
They break apart, and Kaoru can’t help but stare at Kojiro’s face and be mesmerized by the fire in his eyes and the flush on his cheeks. He’s sure that he looks no better. “Let’s head back to the restaurant and continue this there, yeah?”