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“Do you think she likes me back?”
Yeji stops folding her laundry to glance at the Ryujin spread out on her bed with her eyebrows raised high on her forehead. “Do you want my honest answer?”
“Ouch.” She scrunches up her nose. Yeji could at least humor her.
“Sorry, Ryujin,” the older chuckles something humorless, shaking her head slightly. “Do I think she loves you? Yes, undoubtedly. But do I think she likes you? In the way you want her to? Mm…”
She doesn’t finish the thought, but Ryujin knows what she means. It doesn’t sting as bad as she thought it would. But it stings nonetheless.
Ryujin has always had a taste for things she could never truly have; things that weren’t necessarily hers to keep. Like how a kid would visit a friend and take home a toy that wasn’t theirs simply because they wanted it more than anything in the world at that moment. And then inevitably had to give it back–crying, screaming, unwilling.
Ryujin craved the unattainable–she called it aiming high, Yeji called it self-sabotage, but that’s neither here nor there–so maybe that would explain why she wanted Chaeryeong so badly, even when she knew she couldn’t have her.
At least, not in the way she wanted her. Ryujin could have her in the light–with friends, at a party where everything is a hazy pink and searing. Where they’d somehow always found themselves gravitating towards each other from opposite sides of the room. And Chaeryeong would be high or drunk or a combination of the two if the way she clung onto anybody within arm’s reach was an indication.
And she would dance. She would dance to any song that came on until she was sweaty and breathless and everyone was breathless just from watching her. Ryujin would join her sometimes, usually when the redhead would beg her in that way she couldn’t resist, spinning around until all she could hear was Chaeryeong’s giddy laugh in her ear.
She could have her then; hold her tightly under the guise of dancing with a friend, lick salt off her collarbone in a crowded kitchen like she’d never done it before in private, she could even kiss her right there in front of everyone–it wasn’t uncommon for Chaeryeong to kiss her friends anyway, especially not when she was this fucked up. There are few things truly worth dying for, but sloppily kissing a warm-blooded, wide-eyed, flushed-from-dancing Chaeryeong easily makes Ryujin’s shortlist.
And Ryujin could have her in tamer places; on their lazy weekends where they’d binge whatever Netflix original Chaeryeong was currently obsessed with and absolutely could not watch without Ryujin.
(“Why not?” “Because, you idiot, it’s just not as fun without your annoying comments.” “Well if they’re so annoying, maybe I should just keep them to myself, huh?” “Oh, don’t be like that.”)
Or in between their classes, on the days where Chaeryeong wanted to have a late lunch with Ryujin. Just the two of us, she would text, and Ryujin, the fool she was, would smile beside herself. They’d spend the short hour and a half bickering over where to eat (“Ryujin, you know this would go a lot smoother if you just told me what you wanted.” “Why don’t you just read my mind with that big brain you’re always bragging about?” “Oh, you got jokes, huh?”) and what to watch as they always did, usually not watching anything at all.
And she could have her in the dark of her own dorm room after sending Yeji down the hall to Jisu’s for the night. She could have Chaeryeong, lips swollen and visibly flushed down to her chest even in the dim lighting as Ryujin kissed a wet line down her neck. She could have her dripping on her fingertips, Ryujin’s name the only thing Chaeryeong’s lips find themselves fit to speak as she falls apart so sweetly for her, time and time again. She could have under her moaning, panting, begging for faster, more, more please. Ryujin could have her any way she wants in the dark, until Chaeryeong is warm and pliant in her bed.
But Ryujin could only really have her for a moment.
Because as soon as all is said and done, Chaeryeong is out the door, an excuse on the tip of her tongue before Ryujin can even catch her breath or the words she’s been dying to say since they started this whole arrangement.
This time, it’s a big project Chaeryeong forgot was due at midnight and that she’ll text Ryujin as soon as she gets back to her dorm. She says all this as she gathers her clothes from the floor, ivory skin shining with sweat and gorgeous, always gorgeous.
Ryujin just nods, knows there’s no use in fighting that. For all she knows, Chaeryeong really does have a big project that she needs to get done. Though the little voice in her head, that sounds strangely like Yeji’s, tells her that there’s another reason Chaeryeong always leaves before the dust settles.
That maybe it’s because she’s aware of how Ryujin feels. She knows how badly Ryujin wants her to stay, just the night–maybe forever if she’s willing–, and that’s why she’s gone before the full weight of casually sleeping with your best friend really falls down on them. Chaeryeong isn’t stupid, far from it, and anybody with basic comprehension would know how desperately Ryujin craved Chaeryeong just from watching how she acts around the taller girl. So Chaeryeong must know.
In retrospect, Ryujin probably shouldn’t have it this bad for Chaeryeong. She’s seen her literally at her nastiest; like when she puked out the contents of her stomach all over the sidewalk in front of the bar they spent their first post-finals celebration in, crying over something completely indecipherable to the very anxious Lia trying to calm her down. But no matter how nasty she was, Ryujin still wanted to kiss her breathless. She settled on rubbing her back as her friend drank the last bits of Yeji’s water bottle and humming along together to the Ne-Yo song coming from inside the bar.
Chaeryeong sits on the bed for a moment to put her socks back on her feet. A comfortable silence has fallen on the room. It can never get too awkward between the two of them anyway, even after being so intimate with each other. They’re best friends, and have been for a while so everything tends to flow easily between the two. Soon the banter will start, the quick wit that keeps Ryujin coming back for more each time will tumble from their lips and forget all their past uses. Her best friend, Chaeryeong. She wonders briefly if it’s selfish to ask for anything more than that.
“Hey, you okay in there?” Chaeryeong’s teasing voice chips through the other girl’s thoughts. “Are you having an out-of-body experience ‘cause of how good I was?”
Ryujin scoffs, “You wish.”
Chaeryeong chuckles in response, smiles wide and she opens her mouth for a moment, like she’s gonna quip out another smart remark. But then her eyes shift down to where Ryujin goes to gnaw on her lip and she tsks at the girl, taking her thumb to softly pull the pink from her teeth.
“Stop thinking so loudly, Jin. Be nice to yourself.”
Ryujin rolls her eyes though it’s fond, “Shutup.”
Chaeryeong hums as if she considers it, still running the pad of her thumb across the girl’s lip before dropping it suddenly. Ryujin’s head is buzzing.
“You gonna make me?”
Oh man, Chaeryeong is so annoying. Ryujin wants to shove her off the bed right now, that is how annoying she is. And normally Ryujin would, but she’s too sleepy from the night’s activities to even move more than an inch in any direction because yes, Chaeryeong was that good, but she’d never give her the satisfaction of saying it aloud. So she just rolls her eyes again and Chaeryeong snickers in delight.
“You’re insatiable.”
She knows she won this round, Ryujin will let her have that because the satisfaction sits all too pretty on her face.
It sits on Ryujin’s chest like a ton of bricks: Chaeryeong is so pretty. Especially now that the afterglow Ryujin has acquainted herself with sits snugly on Chaeryeong’s skin. Her lips are red and bitten and Ryujin can clearly see the bruises blooming from under the girl’s collar. It makes the neediest parts of Ryujin ache to tell her how damn pretty she looks right now, how there’s a kindness to her beauty that makes all others pale in comparison and it makes Ryujin feel a little fucking insane.
But it feels too real in a moment like this. Her face burns at the mere thought of it, or Chaeryeong’s reaction to it, smug probably and Ryujin wants it, she wants it so badly.
But she can’t have it, she knows that. Instead, she settles for pulling the girl down on top of her. There’s a momentary stiffness to the taller’s shoulders before she allows herself to melt into Ryujin’s body under hers, grinning something borderline sacreligious as she swings a leg over her so she’s sitting on Ryujin’s lap.
The blonde feels her stomach twist itself into knots as she watches Chaeryeong’s every move. It’s ridiculous how gracefully she moves even when she’s not dancing, each action taken like she’s putting on a performance just for Ryujin. Though Ryujin knows she’s not the first to have Chaeryeong like this, and she may not even be the only one to have Chaeryeong like this this month (because anyone who knew Chaeryeong would know she was meant to be seen, in any way, at any capacity), but at the very least, it was Ryujin’s viewing tonight. She could be happy with that. It’s about the little compromises, she thinks.
Their lips find each other in an impossibly slow and languid kiss, the taste sweet on Ryujin’s senses. Chaeryeong leans into the feeling of her tongue in her mouth, a high whine feeding back into the kiss as Ryujin’s hands find themselves cradling the girl’s face.
It’s not what Ryujin intended when she pulled her down to lay with her–she really just wanted to cuddle, but this isn’t so bad either.
Chaeryeong travels further down her jaw, finding a home in Ryujin’s neck. A soft sound slips from her mouth when she feels Chaeryeong press a kiss gently to her collarbone. She can feel her smile at her response and does it again, running her tongue along the skin too before biting down softly.
The whimper that escapes Ryujin is dangerously toeing pitiful, but she doesn’t care as much when Chaeryeong continues to soothe the pain with another kitten lick and seals it with a kiss. That’s going to bruise beautifully by tomorrow, Ryujin will be able to look at it in the mirror later and remember this. She wonders if it’ll hurt.
“I thought you had to go,” Ryujin breathes out after a bit of Chaeryeong marking her neck. Her actions betray her words though, her hands gripping tighter on the younger’s waist tighter as she speaks.
Another kiss is pressed under her jaw, “Is this your way of telling me to go?”
‘No stay, please stay,’ She doesn’t say. Her hands find purchase on Chaeryeong’s waist instead as the taller girl begins to nip at her ear. Ryujin feels dizzy, sickly almost. All prior thoughts and possible responses to whatever Chaeryeong just said to her are now lost to the world. It’s just Chaeryeong’s lips and teeth taking sweet haven in Ryujin’s skin.
“I do. Have to go, that is,” Chaeryeong says, matter of factly, bringing Ryujin closer to Earth, “You’re just becoming increasingly harder to resist.”
She lets her hands roam down Chaeryeong’s back as she swallows the words. Her fingers find themselves pressing into the warm skin under her big soft, woolly cardigan. Chaeryeong arches her back into the touch, unwittingly pushing herself further into Ryujin’s warmth and Ryujin feels sunlight ripping at her seams. It feels good, it feels way too fucking good.
Stupidly, she takes the chance, “Then stay.”
It’s a whisper kissed into the shoulder her cardigan has begun to slip off of, but Chaeryeong hears it just fine. Her heart beats against Ryujin’s chest and it’s unsettling how normal it sounds. She pulls herself from Ryujin’s neck to look straight into the blonde’s eyes, her face softens. Ryujin feels her own heart constrict, shrivel up, and burst right there. Does she really feel nothing for me?
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jin…” Her hand cradles Ryujin’s cheek, thumb slipping into the side of her mouth and pulling it into a half-smile for her, “I have that project, you know?”
Yeah, I do know, she thinks to herself. I know you probably already finished the project days ago because you would never leave anything to the last minute.
Of course, none of this leaves her mouth. She just nods resolutely and fixes her face into a full smile, no teeth, just enough for Chaeryeong to think she’s okay. She swallows the bitter taste in her mouth as she has before, and will undoubtedly do again.
“Next time, okay?”
It’s not exactly what Ryujin wants to hear because she knows the girl is lying through her teeth, but it’s enough to placate her for now. Because even if Ryujin can’t have Chaeryeong the way she wants her, at the very least, she can have this: Chaeryeong kissing her again like she needs it to survive, tugging at her hair the way she knows Ryujin likes, trimmed nails dragging on her neck. And she’ll revel in it too because isn’t this how it always goes anyway? Friends with benefits, that is. One person catches feelings after having sex with the other and they live with their unrequited love for as long as this continues. Until it’s done, and then she’ll move on. Yeah, she’ll move on…
Ryujin thinks she won’t mind being a cliche if Chaeryeong can keep her warm for a little while longer, kiss her as she does for a bit more, touch her like she’s actually in love with her for even just a few hours in the night. Even if she’ll hurt for much longer after.
It has to be half past ten now. Chaeryeong has stopped leaving marks on her neck, but her lips still tickle Ryujin’s skin. Ryujin can feel each slow breath leaving the other’s mouth, slow and unmistakably sleepy. She thinks maybe Chaeryeong has fallen asleep already, she hasn’t moved in at least ten minutes. But that proves to be wishful thinking on her part because, of course, Chaeryeong–ever-diligent, always attentive, purposefully guarded Chaeryeong–wouldn’t just allow herself to forget where she is and why she’s here and why she has to leave.
She would rather Chaeryeong stay the night, but she doesn’t say so as the redhead slips out her door and into the night. Ryujin has learned not to protest when she leaves, doing so would only push her two steps back and one to the right and she doesn’t think she can last that long without Chaeryeong again.
Her phone pings with a message ten minutes later, just as her eyes were getting heavy with sleep.
ryeong-chae: just got home!! sleep tight~