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“I’m Andrewsexual.”
It was Wednesday, midday, and Neil was once again sitting in the Foxhole Café, just like he did every weekday lunch.
There had been no preamble to Neil’s previous statement, like he had planned for there to be as he waited for Allison to arrive, but instead the sentence had been blurted out as soon as the woman had taken the seat opposite him. Not that Allison seemed too shocked, as though Neil had said something completely outlandish (which in his opinion - he had), but rather judgemental if anything.
As per her signature move, Allison raised a perfect brow. Then she held up a hand, in a dismissive ‘one moment’ gesture, before she removed her coat, pulled her sunglasses atop her head and clasped her hands together on the table, leaning over it and once again raising her eyebrow. “You what?”
“Yeah, so,” Neil shook his head, “Turns out I’m not homophobic.”
“I’ll alert the media,” Allison replied, with a sarcastic drawl.
“I’m not Andrewphobic either.”
“I didn’t realise that was even- whatever, carry on.”
Neil continued, “I figured out that I don’t really mind Andrew kissing other guys if the guy part is singular and the said guy is me. In fact, I rather like it. Therefore, I must be Andrewsexual.”
“Wait, so,” Allison butted in, “You like it? That means you two have kissed right?”
Neil nodded, enthusiastically, “Of course, of course. I kissed him the day after I spoke to you last week when you were being all mysterious, telling me to just ‘think about it’. Turns out thinking did nothing for me until Dan and Matt basically outright told me to imagine kissing Andrew. That was when I realised I was in love with him.”
“They told you?”
Neil nodded, slowly. Carefully. Cautious of the sanctimonious expression that had taken over his friend's features.
“Wow, well if they think they’re winning the bet like that, they’ve got another thing coming!”
“Bet?” Neil scrunched up his nose in distaste.
“Forget about it, babe. So...what? You just went home and kissed Andrew?”
“Yes. Well, no. He kissed me.”
“So…you just went home and he kissed you?”
Neil tilted his head in consideration, “There was more to it than that.”
“You are terrible at telling stories.” Allison pointed out. “Expand on that.”
Neil shrugged, “I guess I just never socialised enough to learn how to whilst growing up, what with all the abuse and then the moving around and the secrecy, and my mother was never a great conversationalist.”
Allison had her eyes closed, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose, “I meant expand on the kissing thing.”
“Oh!” Neil exclaimed, smiling. “So, he had been avoiding me all day because I had obviously been thinking about what the hell you had meant and so I hadn’t really spoken to him. He thought that I was still uncomfortable over the whole Roland thing. Which, I was, but not for the reasons he thought. When he came back super late I just told him that I liked the thought of kissing him. And that I didn’t know what that meant about my sexuality. And then he asked to kiss me. And-”
“You smooched each other's faces off, got it. What has happened since then? That was Thursday right? So it’s been six days since.”
Neil felt the blood rushing to his face, looking out the window to avoid Allison’s smug grin. “I don’t know. It’s been the same. Except now we kiss. A lot. Before we leave for breakfast, if I go back to the dorm in between lessons and he’s there, before we go for dinner, before bed…” He trailed off, the thought bringing an unfamiliar fluttering within his stomach that was too much to handle.
Allison rolled her eyes, “So lots of kissing?”
“So much kissing.” Neil hastily agreed.
“Got it. What else?” She asked, expectantly.
Neil frowned, “What do you mean ‘what else’?”
Allison matched his confusion. “You do more than just kissing right? I don’t expect you to confess your love to him yet but...you are dating now, yeah?”
“Dating,” Neil said, testing it out on his tongue. “What would that entail?”
Allison stared at him as though he had grown another head. “You’re being serious,” She decided.
Neil gestured for her to explain, to which Allison let out a groan.
“Coffee, first. Then-” She flicked her hand in a careless, or exasperated, motion. “-Whatever.”
--
Neil thought back on the conversation at lunch later that day as he walked home from his last class. Of course, the thinking didn't last for long because the walk was only short and as soon as he opened the door to the dorm-
Andrew was right there.
He looked like he had been about to leave, but as soon as Neil stepped inside he seemed to change his mind, discarding his coat to the floor and gesturing for Neil to close the door again. Neil was quick to oblige, before being crowded against the door, Andrew's hand on his cheek with a thumb loose just below his lips.
"Hey," Neil breathed out, tucking his hands behind his back, palms flat against the door.
"Hello," Andrew replied, earning a grin from Neil that Andrew was quick to lean into, muttering a question that Neil answered by pressing into the remaining space.
Every kiss felt like the first. Well, not the very first, but the second - once they had gained their confidence in the fact that they both had definitely wanted to do this. Yet it was never boring.
Neil would never grow tired of these moments.
Andrew ran his hand, the one that wasn't holding Neil's face, from his shoulder down to his wrist, linking their hands together for a moment before pulling Neil's hand up and letting it go near his own shoulder, a permission Neil immediately recognised. All the time, they were kissing.
Andrew eventually did pull away, but only to move his kisses to Neil's chin, his jawline, his neck, his collarbone, tugging the shirt to the side but not enough to reveal the scars that Andrew knew were there.
Neil moved his head back against the door, giving Andrew more access as he let out heavy breathes of pleasure. It was when one of these skirted too close to something of a moan that Neil looked back forward at Andrew, putting his free hand to Andrew's and guiding his lips back to his own.
After a few more minutes of this, Andrew pulled away, both his hands holding Neil's head as Neil dropped his own from Andrew's shoulder and his hair. The hair in question was evidence enough of a this moment, even if his swollen lips had already settled. The smaller man removed one hand from Neil to straighten it up, his eyes lingering on Neil's lips before meeting his eyes again.
After a moment of staring openly at one another, Andrew broke the tension by letting go of Neil completely, taking a step back and pulling his coat on once again. Neil slid along the door to lean on the wall beside it instead, just as Andrew leaned forward and twisted the handle.
They were back to normal.
"Where are you going?" Neil asked, still out of breath.
Andrew, looking more composed already, pulled the door open. "Meeting Aaron. I'll see you for dinner."
With that he was gone.
--
“Have you not thought to, I don’t know, maybe ask him?” Dan suggested the next day at lunch.
Neil frowned, “Ask him what?”
“What the two of you are.”
That just confused him even further. “What do you mean?”
Dan rolled her eyes, which Matt took as his cue to take over, excitedly throwing an arm around Neil’s shoulder from his seat beside him. It wasn’t rare for Matt to opt for the seat beside Neil rather than the one beside his girlfriend, and Dan never seemed to mind. “Buddy, you’ve gotta ask him what he wants out of your relationship. What it means to him, you know?”
Neil didn’t know.
“Communication is vital within any relationship - romantic, sexual, platonic or whatever,” Dan continued. “It’s how you make sure nobody is going to get hurt in the long run. Otherwise, you could become invested, thinking it’s exclusive, and then...I don’t know, find out he’s been hooking up with other people the whole time!”
Neil’s eyes widened, “You don’t think he’s doing this with other people right?”
“Well, it was just a-”
“Oh no, what if he’s still with Roland?”
Matt frowned, “Roland?”
“The guy that made me homophobic. Well, made me think I was homophobic.” Neil clarified.
“These are the things you should know for sure, Neil.” Dan told him.
“Yes,” Matt agreed. “And this is why communication is key.”
Neil pouted. “Ew.”
--
Andrew was taking an earlier shift that night at Eden’s, covering somebody else’s shift in exchange for the weekend off. Which was fine. Neil didn’t care.
It just meant that he had to eat alone.
He stayed in, making himself pot noodles so he wouldn’t have to even go to the cafeteria. Then he turned on the TV, lay across the sofa and huddled up under at least three blankets, as he began searching for something to watch. This was something he never did. TV always seemed like a meaningless waste of time and so he only ever watched it if Andrew was, or during the times his friends invited him over for movie nights.
It wasn’t very entertaining, which Neil proved himself correct on once again when he found absolutely nothing after fifteen minutes of channel surfing.
Upon the coffee table, his phone buzzed, causing it to slide slightly across the table with the vibration. Neil must have been bored, since he immediately moved an arm from beneath the covers to pick it up, turning it on to view the message.
Andrew: feed yourself
An unprompted text from Andrew was almost as rare as a returned text from Neil. Neil ignored the way the action made him feel by typing out his reply.
Neil: already did ;)
Andrew must have been on a break because his reply was immediate.
Andrew: anything good?
Neil: oh ye
Neil: noodles
Andrew: from a pot
Neil: of course
Andrew: hopeless
Neil’s grin was a definite thing.
Andrew: bored?
A double text from Andrew was beyond rare.
Neil: i turned on the tv and everything
Andrew: im sure i can find a way to entertain you once im home
A mirror wasn’t needed for Neil to know his cheeks had turned the colour of a flame and the heat of a fire.
Andrew: my break is over - dont have any fun without me. bye
Well. With the thoughts Andrew had just supplied his mind with, there was no way Neil was going to be bored now. With a click to the remote, the TV went dark and Neil nudged a hand below the blankets, finding its way gingerly below the waistband of his sweatpants.
Neil closed his eyes and let his memories and imagination take over.
--
Renee swirled her milkshake with the paper straw (which she had brought herself since the café only ever supplied plastic ones), the pink liquid matching some of the tips to her hair. “Is there something on your mind?” She asked. “You seem to be thinking about something awfully deeply.”
Neil drummed his fingers on the table, fixing his eyes to the movement of her hand so that he wouldn’t need to meet her eyes. He shrugged, “Oh, you know.”
When he looked up at her, she was smiling, “Though I wish I could be, I’m unfortunately not psychic.”
“If I had a superpower it would be teleportation,” Neil said, seriously.
“What makes you say that?”
“Well, I managed to teleport to my bed last night from the couch.” Neil looked out the window. “Either that or Andrew carried me. I’m not sure which one I think is more likely.”
“We could bet on it,” Renee replied, mischievously, taking a sip from her drink. “What makes you think that he didn’t carry you?”
“All I know is that I was waiting for him to come home from his shift at the club, I fell asleep bundled up in blankets on the couch, and woke up still bundled up in blankets but now bundled up in blankets on my bed.”
“Bundled up in blankets?”
“Bundled up in blankets,” Neil confirmed.
“I think it is very clear that Andrew took you to bed, Neil.” Renee smiled. “He probably didn’t want to wake you up but knew you wouldn’t sleep well on the sofa.”
“But why?” Neil spluttered.
Renee rolled her eyes, “Because he cares about you.”
Neil shrugged, doubtfully, causing Renee to frown.
“Neil. Hey.” She reached across the table and took his hand. “You don’t think he cares?”
Neil shrugged, “Well, I was talking to Allison, and then Dan and -”
“Let me stop you there,” Renee interrupted, yet somehow politely. “Have you tried talking to Andrew?”
“Who?”
“Neil!”
--
After his lunch with Renee, Neil walked back to his dorm with a lot on his mind. That was the problem with talking to Renee. He had a free period right after and so there was no escape from whatever new thing she decided to plague his thoughts with. Usually to do with his own well-being - those were the worst.
Andrew should be in a lecture right now for something or the other (Neil had tried to memorise his schedule when he found out Andrew knew Neil’s after only being told once, but Neil could have sworn that Andrew lied to him about his classes names sometimes, just to hinder his progress and mess with him.
Contrary to the usual routine, when Neil let himself into their dorm, Andrew was already inside; he was sat on Neil’s bottom bunk, reading a book, not even glancing up as Neil locked the door behind him, dropping his bag.
“Pick it up,” Andrew said, eyes still on the pages.
Neil let out a sigh, picking his back up again and walking over to his desk, dumping it on there. Tired, he stretched his arms over his head and yawned. Afterall, Friday, after lunch with Renee, was usually when he took a nap.
When Neil turned around, Andrew’s eyes were no longer on the book, but instead flicked up to Neil’s face from where they had been on the slip of skin that had shown during Neil’s stretch, as the hem of his shirt had ridden up.
Neil was pleased to find that Andrew blushed at being caught just as much as Neil blushed at being watched.
“You’re on my bed,” Neil observed.
“That I am,” Andrew confirmed, looking back at his book.
“It’s nap time.”
Andrew frowned, “You don’t nap.”
“Yes I do,” Neil told him, moving towards the bed, “Can I get on?”
“It’s your bed.”
Neil shrugged. Andrew was sitting sideways on the bed, back against the wall and legs bent, the book resting on his knees. If he had his legs crosses and his hands were holding Neil rather than the book, it would have been just like when they first kissed.
“Yes,” Andrew glared.
Neil only smiled, not going to apologise for making sure he doesn’t cross any boundaries, and slipped off his shoes, climbing into bed as he was and poking his head out of the covers to watch Andrew, who had lifted up his legs throughout the movement, placing his feet behind Neil’s knees so that the arch of his legs were over Neil’s own.
“Are you tired?” Neil asked.
“No,” Andrew replied, which made sense because Neil knew Andrew had slept a full night for once the night before, since he himself had stayed awake listening to his rested breaths as he himself tried to match his own.
“Can I kiss you?”
“No,” Andrew said again, looking over at Neil. “Nap time for you.”
Neil pouted, but didn’t ask again, instead watching as Andrew looked back at the page. For someone so focused, he still hadn’t turned the page.
The conversation with Allison came back to his mind, along with Dan and Matt, causing Neil to look away from Andrew, focusing his stare on the wall instead, frowning as his mind played back through the conversations.
He thought back to the last time they had spoken about their relationship - the night they first kissed. Did he tell Andrew that his feelings fell deeper than the touching?
“I like you.”
That was the first thing Neil had told him which surely wasn’t enough to convey exactly how wholey in love with him Neil truly is.
“At first I was worried that I might be homophobic but now I'm thinking that maybe I wouldn't have a problem with you kissing a guy if the guy you were kissing was me..."
Is that the only reason why Andrew kissed him? Because he made it clear that he was attracted to Andrew? Maybe it was just for convenience. Why go out and hook up if Neil is right there, waiting for him? Afterall, Andrew never said himself whether he even liked Neil. He asked Neil about himself and then asked to kiss him. Andrew was probably just attracted to Neil, if that, and the feelings stopped there.
Neil was distracted from this depressing line of thoughts by the man in question moving on the bed. Neil watched as he balanced his book on the ladder to the top bunk, the step holding it open like a bookmark. Then he moved up the bed, slotting himself between Neil and the wall, pulling the covers over himself. “Hello,” Andrew said, monotonous.
It took a second for Neil to catch up with this development, but finally he found some words. “You’re not tired.”
“No, but you are. Unfortunately, you seem to find the wall far too interesting to close your eyes and so it was vital that I hinder your view.”
Neil smiled at that, and Andrew leaned forward, pressing a kiss against his lips before lying back down. “Either go to sleep or talk about what it is that’s bothering you.”
“Can I go for a run?” Neil asked, earning a hand pulling at one of his curls. “Ouch,” He frowned.
Instead of putting his arm back down, Andrew’s fingers followed the curl as it bounced back to his head, burrowing his fingers into the red mess and gently playing with his hair. “Talk.”
Neil huffed, but it quickly turned into a pleased sigh before thinking back to what Renee said.
He needed to stop relying on his friend with this and talk to the person whose opinion actually mattered. “I was talking to my friends and I realised that erm. I’m not really sure what we’re doing.”
Andrew’s hand stilled, and his eyes moved from Neil’s hair to his eyes.
“I like it! I like what we’re doing!” Neil clarified, which eased the tension in Andrew’s shoulders. “I just mean that...I’m not sure whether we both want the same thing out of this, because we haven’t talked about it. I don’t know what you want.”
Andrew didn’t reply, but he didn’t look away either.
Neil rephrased his words into a question, “What do you want, Andrew?”
“I don’t want anything,” Andrew replied, which was expected.
“I’ll tell you what I want,” Neil suggested. “I like kissing you, a lot. And I enjoy looking at you. I’ve never understood what it was like to be attracted to somebody until you. If the kissing is all you want, I’m okay with that. I don’t need anything more. But I do want it, if it’s possible. More, I mean."
Andrew’s hand moved down to Neil’s neck, the tips of his fingers still in his hair and his thumb gliding across his adam’s apple in gentle caresses. It was rather distracting. “And what is more?”
Neil swallowed, and Andrew’s eyes moved down to track the movement. “This, right here. Holding you, when you allow it. Supporting you. Holding your hand, maybe.” He could feel his cheeks flushing red and knew from Andrew’s gaze moving to that area that it was obvious.
Andrew met his eyes and continued Neil’s list. “Going on breakfast dates. Dinner dates. Holding you when you have nightmares. Carrying you to bed when you fall asleep.” Andrew moved his free hand from under their pillows to take Neil’s hand in his own. “It’s all already there.”
Neil frowned.
“Dumbass,” Andrew rolled his eyes. “We already had all of that. This isn’t going from nothing to just kisses. We already had everything else. We’re just adding the kisses to the collection.”
“Wait-”
“Listen to me; I won’t say it again.” Andrew spoke. “I hate you, you know that right?”
Neil nodded.
“Do you know why?”
“I can take a few guesses,” Neil grinned, tiredly, earning a glare from Andrew that didn’t hold as much heat as usual.
“I hate you because somehow, against all odds and in spite of me - I adore you.”
Neil froze, eyebrows shooting up and his eyes widening.
“Shut up.”
“You like me?”
“It was obvious, Neil.” Andrew told him. “You’re just an oblivious dumbass.” When Neil went to speak again, Andrew placed a hand firmly over his mouth. “A dumbass who needs to go to sleep, because if he doesn’t and he falls asleep on the sofa tonight, I will not be carrying him to bed.”
It was Neil’s turn to roll his eyes this time, which he did, before closing them. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep. Not with Andrews arms around him and his hand in his hair.
“Goodnight, Andrew,” Neil muttered.
“Good afternoon, stupid,” was the muttered reply.