Chapter Text
Falling in love with Sasara was the easiest thing.
The first time Rosho stepped to the gathering of young folks aiming to be comedian king at that vocational school, he thought nothing of everybody and else –he’s just there to learn for himself, making people laugh for his own jokes, and he’s prepared to do it solo since the first time. He’s never that good with other person, anyway –actually because he’s sort of uncomfortable being with companion (meaning he’s just shy), but then he started got involved in street fights and people started getting away from him instead because they thought of him as scary, so that’s even better. He didn’t mind being alone, really, so it’s all well.
Like everyone else, of course he thought Sasara was funny. He’s clearly had it in him, but more than the naturally cheery attitude he’s kept showing, Rosho could see through how Sasara’s gears keep turning inside his brain. While he might be not the funniest person around, he knew the best what will be, and his head never stopped thinking about funny things, about clever puns, about what’s interesting about a situation, about what to say… Rather than just fortunately a funny guy, Nurude Sasara was actually sharpening his comedy skills to no end.
So it’s a respect –that’s Rosho’s first impression of him. He took him as a fellow talent, and lowkey a rival, because they’re going to end up in same industry, after all.
But never a partner, really.
It took him a surprise when Sasara asked him to be one, because Rosho thought their style was just completely different. But somehow Sasara made it works… until then it broke by Rosho’s own self-doubt, which lead to his trauma, and now he couldn’t even standing on the stage anymore, but he’s not going to indulge in that. What surprised him again and again next was about how Sasara kept chasing to him even after that–the fact that Sasara wanted to do more than borrowing his skill once for their career, that he wanted to made deeper, stronger connection with Rosho… that he wanted them to be friends.
How he kept urging to aim for something together again with Rosho by convincing him, persuading him, persistent in never letting him go ever again –Sasara really treasured Rosho that much, far lots than Rosho even did for himself most of the time, that he really wondered sometimes why.
Rosho realized he might not really used in being treated as important, indeed. Maybe it took a toll on him, all his childhood time spent by hearing of how he never do well enough and how he can always work harder, to the point he sort of putting a value on himself according to what others think of him. He’s sure he had overcame the most toxic part of it by the time he’s teenager, and even more as he picked up what’s left from his life after the duo broke up, so it’s all fine now. He’s now even thinking about how those feelings are actually valuable, because it made him ready to serve others instead. The world could use less ego to spin around, anyway.
It’s widely considered as foolish by people, he realized, to prioritize doing things for others more than thinking what’s good for his own self, to think that it’s rather him to be one fell in misfortunate than others who’s further in loss of luck, to prefer to be under someone’s shoes than one’s kicking, but Rosho actually think of it as his own wisdom. What’s the good of life anyway, if it’s not to consider what others have received from one’s self?
Then in one perfectly fine evening, about a year after their combi breakup, he realized that he’s in love with Sasara, and his first thought was simply, “Well, that’s expected.” It didn’t surprise him for the first time, and it also didn’t surprise him how he noticed that the feeling was actually growing since years ago after the first time they met in school, and keep growing even after they’re not seeing each other anymore, now stronger as they’re apart.
It also didn’t surprise him about how he’s content with just keeping this feeling to himself forever.
He’s satisfied with simply keep loving Sasara like this, without even knew what the other party will respond to it. Sasara didn’t need to be his partner of life, Sasara didn’t need to ever bond romantically or sexually with him, Sasara didn’t even need to return anything about it –Rosho realized he loved Sasara because he simply do.
(It didn’t stop him from fantasizing how great it’ll feel if Sasara’s lips ever touched his, or his neck, or his chest, or if those long fingers would wrapped themselves around his member and rub, or thrusted inside him to the place where it made him came with just simple nudge to it, though, but well…)
He never thought much about love all this time, not at all, maybe he’s too busy being selfless sometimes, but that time, he realized that it’s love he’s feeling, and it’s his kind of love, the one that meant to full-heartedly gave a single person his entire life affection, his adoration, care and dedication, because for him, that’s how it’s become meaningful and worth-to-keep. If love is dubbed to be a thing that makes the world go around, a harmony that inspire many songs and poems, one to bring happiness to the all walk of lives, then it’s obvious for him that it has to be that pure, and steady, and undemanding, and just there to keep on giving, to grow to be one shading other from harms, to stay to be one who’s always be there in any time, and never ending.
And if he had to choose one person to be given that kind of feeling in his entire one life, of course it has to be Sasara.
***
Sasara lived a lot by instincts –he thought maybe people who said he’s genius wasn’t too far off, but (1) They’re wrong if they thought it’s just about comedy and (2) He’s not that egomaniac to proudly speaking about it all the time.
He knew he had his own way of pulling and pushing people to make his own path towards what he wants, and he’ll never fail this thing –this ongoing jokes someone gave to him by force, called life.
The one key was truly to set boundaries clear with whoever he met. When two person who gave him birth to this world and supposed to be his first example of what’s the rest of humanity like were constantly on each other’s throats and throwing threats and exchanging insults, he supposed it’s obvious he’ll grow this way. Even, Sasara’s kind of late in life when he realized this, back then in school, he never gave anyone chance to partner with him because he wasn’t entirely comfortable and trusting about share his entire career with another person, more than because he didn’t find them interesting enough.
Human are never kind, he acknowledged it as he saw his own self on the mirror often times. He put on smile, and acted happy all the time, but everybody knew it’s not just those happening inside, and kept being silent about it, still. And he did that to another people too. This entire world, was just the abundance of people pretending to be okay about themselves, okay about others, okay about the whole situation. While there’re cases when people tried to break out from it, Sasara’s smart enough to just riding it all along, and making sure he’s not going to end up being one stepped on at the bottom case of the pile.
But then, there’s Rosho.
Rosho… If Sasara didn’t want to try to be polite, he’ll call him stupid. A biggest one, a type of man Sasara supposed to laugh about, because he’s just trusting everybody too much, he’s too earnest, he’s always too straight and direct about what he feel and what’s right to do, he considered lots of other’s convenience before himself, a total, complete opposite of what Sasara thought will bring you far in life.
Yet, he’s attracted to this fool so deeply.
Because no other person around him was like Rosho –everybody else always had something up behind their sleeves, always doing things to fill their own needs or protect their own pride, and in the end, putting their personal sake on top of everything, but there was Rosho, just too honest and far too kind for his own good.
And Sasara just couldn’t let him be. It’s like finding a rare animal in the middle of wildlife exploration that you want to keep being protected without pushing it to change anything about itself, because even if that foolish animal supposed to do something with his evolution gene quicker to adapt so he can survive, it’s not entirely its fault that the rest of the world was too ugly for such beautiful, heavenly creature as itself.
Maybe that explained all the longing, all the thoughts, all the daydream about Rosho he couldn’t manage to push away by the time they separated. Maybe that explained all the chase and pestering he couldn’t manage to tone down even after they’re no longer a duo. Maybe that explained his needs to partner with Rosho again –whatever they do, he just wanted to do things with him, because other than the whole protective urge Sasara had, he also felt no one could ever made him having so much fun as when he’s with Rosho. The way Rosho’s weirdly-wired brain always able to produce such unpredicted jokes that even took Sasara off his guard, the way most of the time they’re mere blurted out words and blunt, naive actions that he didn’t even deliberately do to be funny but always made Sasara laughed the hardest, the way how he’s the genius one in Sasara’s perception because he’s just one in a million, and isn’t that what being genius was all about? The way Rosho could always keep up with his jokes within second like they shared a same brainwave, the way Rosho always tried to brush off his jokes but was actually smiling, the way Rosho always rejecting first but finally agreed too easily to whatever Sasara was pulling him into because he’s silently enjoying it, the way Rosho’s complaining about Sasara’s spontaneous skit and bad puns, but in the end, Sasara knew Rosho felt the same as him: he’s born to do this with Sasara.
The way Rosho just so earnestly lead his life and keeping his warm heart still full and trusting, even after he got scammed many times, even as he’s being pulled too many inconveniences for his students’ sake, and even when he had to see his dream shattered, he’s now picking up the pieces diligently, and sincerely, and how it always gave Sasara some sort of reassurance that even if the world was turning upside down and changing for the worse part, Rosho would always stayed as himself, and Sasara felt so much comfort in that.
He didn’t know what call this feeling –Sasara felt like he has two separate space in his brain: one was to function splendidly in life, where he figured everything out, where he knew next step to take, where he knew what to expect and had all the plan to tackle that all laid out and clear, and the other was just about Rosho: where Sasara just do things for him because he feel like he want to, where he never even consider what he gained from his doing because if it’s for Rosho, he’ll just do it, no questions and reasons needed, and where he just want to keep him close every time and maybe for the rest of his life, and didn’t want to ask himself further why.
***