Chapter Text
“I’m WHAT!” A thousand thoughts raced through Shang Qinghua’s brain. His heart pounded against his ribcage. Like a hamster drunk on coffee.
Shen Qingqiu flipped his fan shut and tapped it on his chin. “The most eligible human bachelor.” He gave Shang Qinghua a look that was somehow both pitying and condescending. “I only came here to forewarn you. You’re about to be bombarded with marriage proposals.”
The two hid away in Shang Qinghua’s room at the northern ice palace. It was one of the few places that Shang Qinghua considered a haven. It helped that it was the warmest room in the palace. Maybe because the room faced the west?
Of course, being squirreled away did not cushion the news Shen Qingqiu brought.
Shang Qinghua held his head in both of his hands. “How did this happen?” He flopped forward unto the table that sat between him and Shen Qingqiu. “I’m just canon fodder,” he mumbled miserably in the wood.
“It happened because you pried into other people’s business.” Shen Qingqiu opened his fan again and covered the bottom half of his face. Seeing the bewildered look on Shang Qinghua’s face, he continued. “Remember a few weeks ago? You gave Binghe that book?”
“What book?” Shang Qinghua wracked his brain. As his memory was pieced together like a tetris game, his eyes widened. “But that was...that was...”
Nearly two months ago, Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu had gotten into some lovers’ quarrel. Cucumber-bro banned Luo Binghe from the bamboo house they shared. The demon emperor returned to his own palace to throw a fit.
It was all hunky-dory until Luo Binghe came to the northern palace to throw his fits. After the destruction of a third room, enough was enough. His crybaby son was causing too much paperwork. And without his sticky disciple and papapa, Cucumber-bro was irritated and irritable.
Although Shang Qinghua didn’t know what the fight was about, he figured a way to fix it. He was already working on his present for Shen Qingqiu’s next birthday: a recipe book of modern dishes.
While he wrote <<Proud Immortal Demon’s Way>>, Shang Qinghua bought (discreetly!) a few girly magazines (for research!) to help write some of Luo Binghe’s wives (and definitely did not check out the hot guy celebs!). Between the makeup ads and “Does he like you?” quizzes, there was the occasional recipe to win over your man.
Shang Qinghua’s cooking skills were lacking, but he did enjoy researching if modern foods could be made in xianxia worlds. Most of his research proved fruitless until he transmigrated.
As Cucumber-bro was the only other one who understood the joy of modern foods, Shang Qinghua decided to compile a recipe book. Giving it to Luo Binghe to give to Shen Qingqiu made him a little sour. It was his gift idea! But as long as his friend and son were happy, it was fine.
A week after Shang Qinghua gave Luo Binghe the book, at the next demon conference, the demon emperor placed his hands on Shang Qinghua’s shoulders and thanked the An Ding Peak Lord for his insight. Said he would come to him for future advice.
Shang Qinghua did not register much of the conversation. A little too busy not peeing his pants because he feared that his son was going to rip off his head.
But now that he thought about it... The Heavenly Emperor singing his praises and owing him one? In front of everyone? He had preened when Mobei-jun told him he did good. Now though?
“Oh no.” Shang Qinghua ran his fingers through his hair, loosening his bun. “Are you sure, bro?”
Shen Qingqiu nodded solemnly behind his fan. “You missed the last conference. Every demon and their mother was looking for you. As Mobei-jun is Binghe’s right hand, you’re his confidant.”
“No, no, no.” He slumped forward. His face pressed against the cold table. His voice came out muffled. “Did he make the chocolate chip cookies?”
Shen Qingqiu hummed. “They turned out really well. Not sure how Binghe got the chocolate though.”
---
Following the near-cataclysm that almost destroyed both the human and demon realms, every demon tried to win favor with Luo Binghe. Of course, unless that person was his shizun, everyone could go fuck themselves and die as far as Luo Binghe was concerned.
But with Shang Qinghua’s newly acquired position as Luo Binghe’s confidant, all demons looked to the An Ding Peak Lord. Shen Qingqiu’s warning proved true.
Letters and gifts promising courtship poured into the northern palace. Severed monster parts, poisonous plants, terrifying weapons. Nothing Shang Qinghua wanted nor needed.
His work piled up as he spent time rejecting the proposals and returning the gifts. At least the gifts he could return without offending the other party. With the other gifts, he either found a way to dispose of them or re-gift them.
Shang Qinghua was in the middle of writing a rejection letter in his study when Mobei-jun teleported into the room.
“My king!” Shang Qinghua clamored to his feet and bowed. “What does my king need of this servant?”
Mobei-jun’s lips pressed against his teeth as his eyes raked across the piles of letters and boxes. A low growl rumbled through his throat.
Shang Qinghua’s eyes darted from the courting piles to Mobei-jun. “Ah, my king. This one apologizes. I recognize I’m behind on my work. I’ve already finished the high priority items. I just need to go over-”
“Have you accepted?”
“Accepted?” Shang Qinghua tilted his head. “Accepted what?”
“Courtship.” Mobei-jun took a deep breath, puffing out his chest. (Which only loosened the fabric around his king’s lovely chesticles, giving Shang Qinghua a better view.) “Have you accepted a courtship?”
“Oh!” Shang Qinghua waved his hands out in front of him. “No, my king. I don’t plan on accepting any of them.”
Mobei-jun only hummed in response.
Shang Qinghua shifted on his feet. Did Mobei-jun need something? Was he checking on his work? Surely his king didn’t come in here just for courting status updates.
Then a bell dinged in his head. Oh yeah! There was a gift that he wouldn’t be able to return due to its perishable nature. Nor was it a gift he had any use for.
“There is something, my king.” He rummaged through the ‘no-return’ pile of gifts. Luckily, there weren’t too many. Finding what he was looking for, Shang Qinghua plucked a box from the pile. The box fit comfortably between both of his hands.
Mobei-jun quirked a brow. “A courting gift?”
“Yes, my king.” Shang Qinghua made a beeline to the tea table in the middle of the room. He pried the box open and pulled out a black silk bag. “It’s the heart of a blazing tiger hawk.”
Blazing tiger hawks were found in the hottest deserts in the south. The apex flying predator. Of course, a winged tiger on fire did not have much to fear. Except for demon who knew that their hearts increased one’s spiritual power upon consumption. Except...
“It’s poisonous to humans.” Shang Qinghua chuckled. “Poor Lord Di-Neng lives up to his name.”
Mobei-jun huffed through his nose; his subtle way of laughing. The corners of his lips quirked up.
The heat rose in Shang Qinghua’s cheeks. Over the years, since Shang Qinghua nearly yeeted himself out of this world, his relationship with Mobei-jun had vastly improved. They almost could consider each other as friends.
Though if he was honest, Shang Qinghua would prefer a more...intimate relationship with his king. Mobei-jun was always his dream man, more in looks than personality. But after the fleeting yeeting experience, Mobei-jun followed through on no more beatings and tended to be nicer(?) to Shang Qinghua. He wasn’t sure.
Either way, Mobei-jun only got more attractive. Painfully so.
Shang Qinghua chuckled again in a vain effort to cover his blushing. “And if it’s not eaten within a week after the blazing tiger hawk is slain, it will combust. It only has two days left so...”
“You cannot return it.” Mobei-jun took the silk bag and tugged on the drawstring. He pulled out the bright blue heart. Drops of purple blood oozed from the organ. Why the blood had not dried yet was beyond Shang Qinghua.
“My king would have better use of it than me.” Shang Qinghua’s face flushed and he rubbed the back of his neck. “That is-! If my king wants it. N-Not that you need it.”
Mobei-jun snorted. “Very well.”
Shang Qinghua let out a small gasp as Mobei-jun’s teeth sank into the muscle. He hadn’t expected the demon king to eat the heart right here and now! It was too much! The purple blood dripped between Mobei-jun’s light blue lips and down his chin.
Ah, my king! Shang Qinghua balled his fists into his robes. Why must you be so hot!
As Mobei-jun finished the heart on his third bite, Shang Qinghua retrieved the handkerchief tucked away in his robes. He dabbed the blood from his king’s face. “How was it, my king?” To keep himself from being a bumbling idiot, Shang Qinghua kept his eyes focused on task. Don’t look up, don’t look down, don’t look anywhere.
“Qinghua.” Mobei-jun kept still as he spoke. “Would you accept a proposal?”
“Ah...” Shang Qinghua swallowed. His eyes flicked to the piles of courting gifts and letters. “I don’t think so.
Mobei-jun’s body stiffened. “No?”
Shang Qinghua finished cleaning his king’s face and took a step back. “I mean,” he said as he gestured towards the piles. “They only want me because of my connection to Luo Binghe. It’s foolish, but-” He wrung the bloodied handkerchief in his hands. “I would rather marry someone who actually loves me.”
Mobei-jun hummed. His brow furrowed like he was considering his next words.
Shang Qinghua shrank in his spot. Demons did not have the same concept as love as humans did. Surely his king thought he was an idiot for actually wanting to marry for love.
“It’s not foolish.” Mobei-jun’s voice was soft as he spoke. “This king understands that sentiment.”
Shang Qinghua’s heart skipped a beat. My king! You can’t say such things. His poor gay heart could not take such things from his perfect man!
---
Most of the demons courting Shang Qinghua took the rejections to heart and ceased. They were just trying to shoot their shot and if they were rejected, then oh well. They moved on to the next approach to gaining Luo Binghe’s favor.
However, there was the rare demon who did not accept no as an answer. A quick threat of Mobei-jun or Luo Binghe stopped the persistence. Except for one demon in particular...
Shang Qinghua sighed as the northern palace’s court proceedings pressed on. Mobei-jun sat on his throne, wearing his resting bitch face. The demon speaking was from a simple farming village; requesting aid with a recent drought.
But that demon wasn’t the problem. The problem was the boar demon sitting directly across from Shang Qinghua. A boar demon named Di-Neng. The very same one who sent the blazing tiger hawk’s heart two weeks ago.
The same one who sent the battle axe made from a rare metal nine days ago (which Shang Qinghua returned). And the same one who sent the entire carcass of a purple spotted wolf-bear (a delicacy given to the kitchens to distribute to the servants who were pretty happy about it).
Each time, Shang Qinghua sent a letter rejecting Di-Neng’s courtship. And each time, the boar demon ignored it and continued send another letter, another gift.
Now, in Mobei-jun’s receiving hall, Di-Neng’s eyes bore through Shang Qinghua’s skull. He tried to ignore the demon. Keeping his focus on the matter at hand. Of course, and on his king.
Mobei-jun sat straight up, each hand resting on an armrest. His posture and face pointed towards the demon requesting help, but his eyes flickered between Shang Qinghua and Di-Neng.
The longer the proceedings took, the lower the temperature fell in the court room. That was the usual indicator that Mobei-jun was reaching the end of his patience. Some demons got the hint and rescinded their spot for hearings. Better to wait than risk death.
When the last hearing of the day was over, the demons began filing out of the room. Shang Qinghua kept his head bent, quickly scribbling additional notes. A drought, two land disputes, infighting among a prominent family...
“Lord Shang?” a deep, coarse voice interrupted his thoughts.
A shiver went down Shang Qinghua’s spine. He knew that voice. “Lord Di-Neng.” He wore a neutral face as he looked up at the boar demon.
Di-Neng, true to the animal, was short and husky. Two small tusks protruded from the corners of his mouth. One of his arms was tucked into his cloak of goat fur.
“I wish to speak of our courtship.”
What courtship?! I’ve said no! Our courtship, my ass.
A heavy sigh escaped from Shang Qinghua’s lips. “Lord Di-Neng, I believe I have made my refusal clear.” He no longer cared about being polite. It didn’t do him any favors in this predicament anyway.
“I understand I have been too forward. I wish to apologize.” Di-Neng pulled out his hidden arm. A pot with a flower bud sat in the palm of his hand. “I present this flower as a gift of atonement.”
Shang Qinghua looked at the flower warily. Nothing good came from a flower. He wrote too many fuck-or-die subplots to know that.
“Lord Di-Neng, I don’t think-” Then he glanced around the room. The demons still lingering in the court whispered and stared at the pair. Di-Neng’s persistence wasn’t a well-kept secret. If Shang Qinghua rejected him here, it would cause a scene. Which would only reflect poorly on Mobei-jun.
Shang Qinghua suppressed another sigh. “Very well, Di-Neng. I accept your gift.” He gingerly took the flower pot from Di-Neng.
The flower bud was a shade of baby pink. Its stem and single leaf were purple. The bud slightly drooping. A pretty, yet sad-looking flower.
When he opened his mouth again to talk, the flower bud twitched and raised to meet Shang Qinghua. The petals began to unfurl. The flower was blooming?
“Wha?” As the petals stretched out, the flower head peeked through. It was hot pink in color and shaped like...a heart? Wait! He knew this flower!
Shit!
But before he turned his face and pull away, the flower had completely bloomed and pink pollen puffed directly into his face. The pollen strangely smelled like cotton candy.
Shang Qinghua threw the flower away from him and covered his eyes with hands. “My-!”
Di-Neng grabbed his wrists and tried to pull his hands away. “Look at me, filthy human. Look at me!”
“Stop!” Shang Qinghua pulled back, keeping his eyes shut and covered. “My king!”
“Damn it, look-” A sharp whizzing noise and Di-Neng’s next words were gurgled.
“Qinghua.” Mobei-jun’s voice appeared in front of him. “Did he hurt you?”
Shang Qinghua shook his head. “My king, the flower.” He gestured to where he thought he threw it. “Destroy it. Quickly!”
The sound of ice cracking. He trusted that Mobei-jun did just that.
“Qinghua.” Mobei-jun’s cool hands cradled Shang Qinghua’s wrists. “What happened? This king needs to see.”
“No!” Shang Qinghua pulled away. Instant guilt. “I can’t, my king. I-” His heart pounded in his ears. He needed to calm down. “I can’t tell you here,” he whispered.
Mobei-jun grunted. "Clean this mess!" he barked to someone to Shang Qinghua's left. Then he held unto to Shang Qinghua’s elbow as he guided him through a portal.
Shang Qinghua’s stomach lurched as they portaled somewhere else. After they stepped out of the portal, Mobei-jun released his elbow.
“Tell this king what happened. Do you require a healer?”
Shang Qinghua removed his hands from his face, but kept his eyes clamped shut. “Are we alone? No one can overhear.” Hearing a grunt of confirmation, he continued, “Di-Neng gave me a flower.”
“Courting gift?” Mobei-jun growled in his throat.
“An apology gift. But it was a trick.” The weight of the situation began to settle in Shang Qinghua’s stomach. The heat of tears pricked the corners of his eyes. “The flower. It’s a Love-Binding Blossom. If one inhales its pollen, they’ll fall in love with the first person they see.”
The temperature in the room dropped several degrees, causing goosebumps along Shang Qinghua’s skin. “So he tried to make you look at him.”
Shang Qinghua nodded meekly and then bowed. “This one apologizes, my king.”
“No. Qinghua is not to blame.”
Thank you, my king. He could cry from happiness if the situation wasn’t so dire.
Then Mobei-jun spoke again, “Is there a cure?”
“This one cannot recall. I’ll need to look into it. But...” He swallowed a heavy lump stuck in his throat. “This servant won’t be of much use until I am cured. If I see anyone, I’ll...”
Would Mobei-jun still keep him around if he wasn’t able to work? Shang Qinghua could still do paperwork, but court proceedings, staff maintenance, striking deals with suppliers... Those were harder to do through the written word. What king would keep a useless servant around? What-
A hand patted the top of Shang Qinghua’s head. “This king understands. Texts will be provided for research. Stay here, in your personal quarters, for now. You will take your meals here. Anything else Qinghua needs, call for this king.”
Shang Qinghua held back his tears, only letting out a pitiful sniffle. “Yes, my king.”
“This king will take his leave. An array will be set on the door so only this Mobei-jun can enter.” Mobei-jun moved his hand from Shang Qinghua’s head to his shoulder. “You will be free to open your eyes when you hear a knock on the door.”
“Yes, my king.”
Then Mobei-jun’s hand retreated from him. The sound of a door opening and closing. Another moment passed before a knock.
Shang Qinghua squinted one eye open. Sure enough, he was in his quarters, as Mobei-jun promised.
Mirror! I need a mirror!
A mirror carved from ice and crystal sat near his wardrobe. As he came into view, the first he noticed was the bright pink splotches across his face. Leftover puffs of pollen on his face.
He peered into his reflection, looking directly at his eyes. His once brown eyes had changed into pink! The tell-tale sign of poison from the Love-Binding Blossom.
Shang Qinghua groaned. How was he going to function if he couldn’t look at anyone? Couldn’t look at his king!
He needed to find the cure! And soon!