Work Text:
Soobin is a calm, rational, and level-headed person.
Those traits were a big factor why he was choosen as the leader of txt, in the first place. People that meet him always say that besides his kind and cheering personality they applaud him for his natural talent to lead, to think first and calculate before he speaks or do something that will be best for everyone.
"I don't know how you do it, hyung." Hueningkai had said quietly after they had gotten home from another show.
"Do what, Ningning?" He raised his brows at the youngest while settling his glass of water on the counter.
The others were either washing up or already dozing off on the sofa, too tired from their schedule.
"Control your emotions and smile all the time. I'm not saying it's fake or anything, it just seems like you don't get tired. Even Yeonjun hyung slips every now and then." Hueningkai said hurriedly not to offend him to which Soobin chuckled at.
"Is this about one of the staffs comment?" He asked in a gentle voice.
"Yeah. It gets me down when I hear stuff like that." the younger averted his gaze at the confession.
Soobin put an arm around the boy. In times like these, he gets reminded of how young and vulnerable they are especially the three youngest.
"Me too. But I learned that the only ones that matter are the people who loves and support you and vice versa. Not those who are set on hating you without even getting to know you." He patted the younger's back.
"Thanks hyung. I wish I was as kind and level headed as you are." The younger smiled brightly.
"You are too don't look down on yourself." He replied and smiled back.
Those weren't the first time he heard that and he takes pride in it. In his years of living he rarely loose his cool, sure sometimes he does but he never burst out in anger or resort to yelling. He knows how to keep a straight face and he knows how to control himself. But he's not cold and can convey his warmth very well.
He likes to think he's always in balance.
That is until he started to notice he kind of always want to hold Yeonjun's hand. His soft and slender hands which perfectly fits in Soobin's own.
At first, they just started it because of fan service. The staff telling them to give something the fans will talk about. Everyone knows it's normal in idol culture. And it's not with just the two of them, they all cling to the other.
It was a bit awkward. Their interactions strained, initially. It's just that Soobin was slow to warm up and it's in Yeonjun's nature to initiate skinship like the kind and warm person that he is. He knows it stemmed from Yeonjun's wish to have a younger brother that he dotes on and takes care of which made him more endearing. And it wasn't like Soobin disliked it but it gets overwhelming for an introvert like him who's not used to displaying affection in public.
As they got to know each other though, he got used to it and was even thankful that the older always takes the first step to get closer and break down his walls without overstepping his boundaries. There were times that he also loses his nerves but had to stay strong in front of the others because he was their leader. He wanted to always cheer them up and he rarely lets them see him discouraged. But even without saying anything, Yeonjun was there reaching out for him. Rubbing his back, pinching his cheeks, playing with his ears, and throwing him air kisses just to distract him from his worries and as if to tell him everything's going to be okay. And everytime he does, it melts Soobins heart and he starts to believe that yes, everything is going to be okay.
Sure, Kai was his closest friend because they go way back and Beomgyu was his dear room mate who he spends nights chatting with when they can't fall asleep and Taehyun was the one he can discuss things with seriously and at the same time play around with. But there was something about his relationship with Yeonjun. There's this almost tangible feeling in the air whenever they lock eyes that thrums under his veins which makes his heart feel electrified but at the same time warmth settles on his skin and calms him down.
It's something that he can't compare to just friendship. The oldest was the shoulder he leans on and the one who sees him at his most vulnerable state. The one to cook him food and tell him dad jokes when he's sad. The one to laugh at his antics (which Yeonjun said he finds cute) but never judge him. The one he bickers with the most but the one he trusts the most.
So really, it shouldn't have been a surpise to find himself wanting to be always near Yeonjun. But it did in fact come as a surprise to Soobin.
And it made him internally panic. He can hear one side of the scales of his emotions tip down drastically.
After pondering on his actions and thoughts for over a week he finally came up with an acceptable conclusion:
Soobin thinks his hands have a life of their own.
It's possible. It has to be. It's the only explanation he has on why he badly wants to hold Yeonjun's hand and keep him close.
Anytime, anywhere, even in front of the cameras.
Even when there's no cameras.
It should have alerted Soobin when the frowning and light warnings from their staff did not even faze him from holding Yeonjun's hand or standing right beside him. Or how the other members share a look and smile teasingly when their at the dorms watching a scary movie and he's just reaching out for Yeonjun's hand even when there's another member in between them.
But like the fool he is, he didn't see it coming and feelings have slowly crept into the defenses of his heart. Feelings that spread through his whole being for every smile Yeonjun gives him. For every laugh. For every teasing. For every touch. For every look of comfort, of worry, of relief, of happiness. For everything that the other does because he finds all of Yeonjun endearing.
Feelings that will complicate their friendship and affect the whole band.
Feelings that he doesn't want to think of right now. He doesn't even have the strength to sort it out as they come home from their busy schedule.
So the next time Yeonjun smiles at him like he holds Soobin's world in his bright crescent eyes, he holds his breath and prays to God that Yeonjun doesn't notice he has Soobin's heart on the palm of his hands, too.
He walked towards him while memorizing all the details of Yeonjun's face, his heart quickening its pace. It's like there's a force always pulling Soobin towards the older and it's something that he can't escape. Like a moon orbiting the earth. Just a little moon with black sea faithful to his whole planet with so much life and flowers blooming for him.
They stood side by side in silence while waiting for their break to finish. Beomgyu was napping at the sofa. Hueningkai and Taehyun were laughing about something, Yeonjun joined their conversation from time to time but never left his side. Soobin doesn't hear them though, there's only white noise in the background and Yeonjun's melodious laugh and giggles. He can't even look away because Yeonjun's the only one he can see.
He can feel the heat of the other's body from how close they were standing, their shoulders bumping. Occassionally their hands brush whenever one of them moves which makes his cheeks heat up.
I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand. It's like a daily mantra at this point.
So, his hands do have a life of their own as he find himself slowly inching his right hand towards Yeonjun's left one. He bump against it a few times before gradually grabbing it and interlacing their fingers. The other doesn't even flinch at it, as if used to holding his hand already. They didn't look at each other but he noticed a small smile settling on Yeonjun's pretty pink lips which Soobin mimicked.
Finally, the shouting in his mind and heart has stopped as Yeonjun's warmth settles again on his skin.
-
You know the reason The Beatles made it so big?...'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porsche...or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful song of the past fifty years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding.
-David Levithan, Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist