Work Text:
Suicide.
JJ’s world was rocked because of it and now it seems as if the universe is taunting her somehow.
The team had just gotten back from a case in Wyoming where the victims’ cause of death had seemed to be suicide, but none of the victims had shown prior suicidal tendencies. If it hadn’t been for the blonde, the team would have never even taken the case. No one had slept in days. Everyone was running on caffeine and little power naps every once in a while. After Spencer noticed a discrepancy in the unsub’s victim preference, the team was able to locate him, effectively saving the life of another student.
The team was on their way back to Virginia, each member lost in their thoughts. Morgan had his headphones on and he seemed to be asleep, but the group of profilers knew better. Spencer seemed to be reading a worn out Russian novel that he’s read a hundred times before. Hotch was sitting with Rossi who was nursing a cup of Scotch, but neither man was talking.
Hotch turned towards Emily who was sitting on the couch with the younger woman. As she looked over at him, he motioned at the blonde with his eyes, silently asking the brunette if JJ was ok. Emily’s eyebrows scrunched together slightly, causing small wrinkles to appear along her forehead and shook her head, indicating that she didn’t know. The unit chief turned away from the two and began talking with Rossi.
The two women were sitting on the couch together, the older of the two was sitting against the arm of the couch while JJ was enveloped in her arms. The blonde let out a soft sigh and laid her head back against Emily’s chest. The brunette’s arms snaked around the younger woman’s torso and she placed a loving kiss atop her girlfriend’s head. “Talk to me Jayje,” Emily softly whispered as she leaned in next to JJ’s ear.
JJ seemed to be in a world of her own. Her crystal blue eyes stared out into nothing, watching as the clouds passed by in the night sky, obviously lost in thought as she didn’t acknowledge that she heard anything. Emily’s hand instinctively reached for the younger woman’s and she rubbed small circles against her knuckles as worry gnawed at her stomach.
Emily squeezed the blonde’s hand lightly, “Jen?” JJ simply closed her eyes and murmured, “I’m fine. I’m fine,” effectively cutting the conversation short. The rest of the flight was silent and only the faint sounds of Morgan’s music and Reid’s constant page turning was heard.
The two women were now back home and in Emily’s condo. Sergio milled around them and never strayed too far from JJ as if knowing that she wasn’t ok. The brunette absentmindedly bent down and scooped up the black cat, setting him on the couch as she watched her girlfriend walk to the bedroom and close the door behind her, causing the worry in Emily’s stomach to grow. Sergio curled up on the couch and turned his head towards the bedroom door, ears perked up and watching it with clear intensity.
The older woman ventured towards the room, pausing at the door as she leaned towards it and listened. After not hearing anything, she cautiously cracked it open and peeked her head in. JJ was sitting on the bed with the heart necklace that Roslyn gave her dangling from her palm. The usually bright blue eyes were now stormy and focused on the charm. The blonde’s lips were parted slightly as she puffed out small breaths as tears began to form.
Emily’s heart shattered at the sight of the woman she loved sitting on the bed looking so broken and vulnerable. She shuffled towards JJ and placed herself on the bed behind her. The younger woman simply closed her hand around the necklace and leaned back, needing contact from the brunette to prove to herself that this was all real.
Emily reached for the blonde’s hand and softly pulled out the necklace that was enclosed. She moved to be able to put it around the younger woman’s neck and leaned down, kissing JJ’s neck lovingly. Knowing that her girlfriend wouldn’t want to talk about it tonight, the older woman slowly began to tug JJ’s shirt over her head and helped her stand so she could help her change into pajamas. Once both women were dressed, Emily crawled into bed and patted the empty space which caused the blonde to jump in after her.
JJ instantly turned towards the brunette, tangling their legs together and wrapping her arms around Emily’s waist tightly as she laid her head against her lover’s chest. Happy with the contact, the older woman laid one hand on JJ’s hip, gripping it softly and her other hand wrapped around the blonde, drawing imaginary circles along her back. The two women felt safe in each other’s arms causing sleep to come somewhat easily to them.
The brunette reached out and when her hands were met by an empty spot, her eyes shot open. She felt the sheets but they were cool to the touch, meaning they’d been empty for a while. Still groggy, the auburn eyes scanned the room but didn’t see a sign of the blonde. She focused on the alarm clock next to the bed. 4:07AM . Missing it the first time, the older woman noticed the light that was shining through from below the bathroom door.
She got out of bed and walked towards it, hand frozen on the doorknob before slightly pushing it open. The chestnut eyes laid on the blonde who was perched on the edge of the bathtub, staring at the drain and remaining unmoving. Emily padded up to her, gingerly resting her hand on JJ’s shoulder in an attempt to not frighten her. The younger woman stayed silent for a second before she took in a small breath and croaked out, “suicide. Why did he have to kill them through suicide? Ros-”
The brunette knelt next to JJ and enveloped her as the younger woman’s tears finally began to fall, sobs ripped from her throat and racked her body. Emily gently rubbed her back as she whispered sweet nothings into JJ’s hair in an attempt to console her girlfriend. After a few minutes, JJ’s sobs turned into nothing but soft whimpers as she clung onto the older woman like a lifeline.
Emily gathered the blonde into her arms and lifted her off the tub and back into the bedroom where she then placed JJ onto the bed before sliding in next to her. The older woman turned towards her girlfriend and grabbed her hands, kissing each fingertip softly before placing their intertwined fingers in her lap, staring at her and silently questioning if she wanted to talk about it.
JJ’s eyes shut tightly as she took in a shaky breath before she began, “every time we found a new victim, I was reminded of Roslyn. I couldn’t save her Em. I couldn’t save any of them. If I paid more attention to Roslyn, she might’ve still been here. I noticed the signs but didn’t say anything. I was so focused on her that I couldn’t pay attention to the case and if I paid attention to the case I might’ve been able to find the unsub faster and some kids would still be alive. It’s all my fault.”
The younger woman’s head dropped with her chin resting against her chest as tears began making their way back down her face, leaving a trail in their wake. Emily’s eyes gleamed with the love and concern she had for the woman in front of her as she reached out and placed a hand against JJ’s cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. The blonde leaned into the touch as she whispered, “I just feel so helpless right now Em.”
“Oh Jayje. None of this is your fault. You were 11 when Roslyn died, you can’t blame yourself for her choice. I know it sucks. I know that you blame yourself for everything, but she wouldn’t want you to be upset because of it. She was in pain and she thought that was her only way out, but it’s not your fault,” Emily finished off as she leaned in and softly kissed the top of the younger woman’s forehead.
JJ crawled into the brunette’s lap as she wrapped her arms tightly around Emily’s torso, searching for more contact. She laid her head against the older woman’s chest and closed her eyes as she listened to her girlfriend’s heartbeat, letting the sound comfort her. Emily slowly ran her hands through the blonde hair in an attempt to comfort the woman in her arms as she repeated, “it’s not your fault Jen. It’s not your fault.”
The younger woman looked into the brunette’s eyes, searching for validation and the love that she so desperately needed right now and was relieved to find the love that she was looking for shining back at her. JJ opened her mouth to say something else when Emily leaned in and passionately kissed her. The taste of the blonde’s salty tears were still prominent on her lips and the statement froze in JJ’s throat.
The two broke apart as electric blue eyes met chestnut brown ones. Emily placed her palm against JJ’s cheek and used her thumb to wipe away the stray tears as she softly kissed her girlfriend once more before reminding her, “it’s not your fault Jen. It will never be your fault.” The older woman hugged JJ tightly against her chest. The younger woman rested her head in the crook of her girlfriend’s neck before quietly asking, “promise?” Emily pulled back slightly and looked into JJ’s eyes, “I promise.”
“Thank you,” the blonde murmured before leaning in and kissing the older woman passionately in an attempt to show Emily how much she loved her. JJ reached up and tangled her hands in the brunette hair as the two lost themselves in each other. The older of the two placed her hands on JJ’s hips and squeezed tightly as they broke apart. The younger woman wrapped her arms around Emily’s neck and placed a small kiss against the corner of Emily’s lips.
Emily smiled faintly at the woman in her arms, “always. I love you.” The brunette saw JJ’s eyes gleam at the statement. JJ’s face flushed slightly, “I love you too.” The two women remained tangled in each other’s arms as they laid down and pulled the blanket over them. JJ rested her head against Emily’s chest as the older woman ran her hands through the blonde hair. Knowing that they were safe in each other’s arms, the terrors of the world seemed a little less dark and sleep began to overtake them.