Chapter Text
Kit wasn’t aware of how he got up on the roof of Cirenworth Hall. All he knows is that his father died a year ago today and Jace had come trying to cheer him up but the only person he wanted to be there with him was almost three thousand miles away.
Kit tried to even his breaths that were coming faster than normal. Kit let out an exasperated sound and tugged on his hair. Ty would know what to do. Ty always knew what to do. Kit continued tugging painfully at his hair while trying to remember what Ty had said to do while having a panic attack.
Thinking about Ty just made his breaths come faster. He hadn’t seen Ty in two months, when he left without saying goodbye. It seemed that today was just a bad day. It had started out bad of course, with the knowledge that today was the day he saw his father killed by demons in front of him. Jace had tried talking to him but he had snapped at him and clammed up like he did with everyone he cared about.
When Jace had left Jem had come to sit with him and told him, in his gentle voice, that Jace had only been trying to cheer him up and he shouldn’t have yelled like that. Kit had been angry and sad and miserable and had snapped at Jem and told him he wasn’t Kit’s dad and he didn’t have any right to tell Kit what to do or what not to do. He hadn’t missed the way Jem’s face clouded with hurt before it was quickly masked.
He had run away as soon as he saw Jem’s reaction despite Jem calling after him. Kit had been cruel and he knew it. Why did he have to be such an awful person? Why did he mess everything up?
That’s how he ended up on the roof. He was vaguely aware that he was crying but he didn’t care. He deserved this. He deserved the pain that came with hurting the people he loved. He deserved this for yelling at the only other living relative he had. He deserved this for hurting Jem, his gentle being, the person it was impossible to hurt. His father. He deserved this for his blood father, who he could never impress, who was never there for him. He deserved his father’s hate though, how could he not?
He deserved it most of all for Ty. He deserved the pain, the tears, the agony, for what he did to Ty. He had earned Ty’s trust just to leave him when Ty needed him the most. He deserved it for leaving Ty and for breaking his promise to Livvy about being there for Ty.
He deserved all of this.
He could hear footsteps on the roof and another wave of anxiety washed over him, choking him and stealing his breath. Someone sat down next to him, they didn’t touch him which Kit had to be thankful for. Instead they sat there for a moment before softly reminding Kit to breathe. As soon as he heard the voice he realized it was Jem.
Kit let out another pitiful sob and tensed when Jem put his hand on Kit’s knee. “Kid, son, I need you to breathe with me. Look at me and try to match my breathing okay?” Kit looked at him through blurry eyes. Jem was accentuating his breathing so that Kit could match it.
Kit’s breathing slowed before he was flooded with the words he had said earlier to Jem and his was losing his grip on his breathing again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He repeated breathless. Jem cut his rant off by saying quietly, “Kit calm down. I’m okay, you’re okay. I know your upset but breathe Kit. Breathe.”
It took about ten more minutes but Kit’s breathing eventually slowed until all that was left was the tears streaming down his face and a slight lightheaded feeling. Jem moved closer and put his arm around Kit’s shoulders, pulling him close so Kit could lean into him.
Kit buried his face in Jem’s chest and took a moment to appreciate Jem being there. His father had never been there when he was upset. His father had hugged him once in his entire life and it was after his mother died. He didn’t remember it well. “I’m so sorry Jem. I didn’t mean it. I swear I didn’t mean it.”
He could feel Jem sigh against him and then Jem was running his fingers through his hair. “You know, I used to know someone just like you once.” Jem said and Kit could tell by the nostalgic tone of voice that he was talking about his parabatai, Will Herondale, Kit’s ancestry from many years ago. “He thought that he hurt people, that all he did was hurt people, and he tried to distance himself from everyone who loved him because he thought those he loved got hurt.” Jem rested his chin on Kit’s head as he talked and Kit felt warmth growing in his stomach.
“He pushed people away and was always angry. He loved harder than anyone I have ever met and protected those he loved. He believed himself cursed and when he realized he wasn’t he couldn’t believe it because the people around him did get hurt. It took him a long time to accept that it wasn’t him that was hurting them, but the things around them. Things he had no control over.”
Jem sighed and shook his head. “I don’t think he would have ever actually believed it had it not been for Tessa and I. He was still hard on himself and he still thought that occasionally but he was better because he knew that it wasn’t his fault. The people around him getting hurt was never his fault.”
Jem pulled away from Kit and looked him in the eye. “Kit do you understand what I’m saying?” Kit nodded his eyes burning again but this time it wasn’t sadness. It was happiness.
Who knew, maybe Jem was right, maybe some things just can’t be helped. He knew he had a lot of things that were his fault, but that made him feel a lot lighter knowing he wasn’t to blame for everything.
“Thanks Jem.” Kit said quietly and watched a smile grace Jem’s ageless face. Jem got up and reached a hand out to help Kit up. “Always.”